Single Moms: Bloom Where You Are Planted!

Today, I was inspired by a young, 20-something single-mom who happens to be a close family friend.  She shared with me some of her recent struggles and her story was so reminiscent of my 20-year old single mother days that I had to put my thoughts down for all the single mothers out there who are struggling everyday; those who are also gifted with life experiences that today seem hard, but will one day be looked at as just one part of an amazing journey.

My advice is simple ladies:  Bloom where you are planted!

I spent essentially 15 years being a single mother in between the birth of my 3 children, a marriage and then being widowed.  During that time there were struggles, challenges and difficult conditions.  After lots of stress and struggle, I came to the realization that I could choose to still live an abundant life. It became empowering to know that I could put my energies toward the things and people who are most important to me instead focusing on or giving my power away to those struggles.  I wasn’t going to let them get the best of me.  And, single moms, trust me, I went through some stuff that could have easily wiped me out as a young woman and as a parent.

After a while, it took acceptance in order to appreciate that I could be just as successful in my personal and private life as a single mother as any married woman with children could.  The first lesson I had to learn was that of balance.  Life’s demands can make a person go crazy, add in single parenthood and you could, at times, feel like you have molotov cocktail on your hands.  Let’s be real.  Your day starts by getting up at the crack of dawn to get the kids fed and ready for daycare or school; you go to work all day and deal with crap there, only to come home and work another 8 hours handling everything on your own.  Add in attending school functions, the stress of being the sole provider, spending quality time with your children and all else that comes with running a household, which often times means robbing Peter to pay Paul.  Yes, married mothers go through some of these same struggles, but it is when you know that you do not have anyone else to fall back on that those mole hills feel like they are turning into huge mountains for you to climb.

However, with maturity comes acceptance and with acceptance comes growth.  Single mothers, the most important thing you can do to maintain your growth is to nurture yourself.  What do I mean above when I say, “Bloom Where Your Planted?”  I mean, find your strengths, accept your weaknesses and then grow.  The first step is to figure out what makes you happy in your own personal life.  Not in the life you lead with your children, but what makes you personally happy as an individual.  An example can be going back to school, indulging yourself in a specific hobby, focusing on your spiritual side.  Second, don’t be so hard on yourself.   Any decisions you have made that may not have totally been in your best interest at the time, you can use as learning tools.  We only learn to grow through making mistakes.  Third, be open for development.  Find a way to work in that extra class (i.e., online training, etc.) to advance yourself.  I worked for 2 years on my paralegal degree through correspondence training.  With all that was on my plate, it was the only option at the time.  When my boys went to bed, I went to school in my little apartment.  Read self-help books (they worked wonders for me).  Get involved in your church.  Find ways, outside of the stresses of work and home life to feel good about yourself.  Fourth, if you need help, don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for it.  We all need help once in a while.  Another point I would like to stress is this:  DO NOT get stuck in dead-end relationships.  Always keep your power in your own control.  Never give your power to another person and then rely on them for your happiness.  Form your personal relationships on your own terms, not someone else’s.  It is not until you are in a good, stable and secure place with yourself that you are able to accept a good man into your life.  When we are insecure and unstable, we tend to settle for less.  Never settle for less.

Being able to bloom where you are planted means when you get weak, think about where you are today versus where you were 6 months or a year ago.  Being able to love ourselves and accept our situations for what they are right now allows us to succeed where we are.  It creates the path for our futures which in turn directs our steps toward moving on from the typical stereotypes that come along with single motherhood.  Taking time to reflect on the positive attributes of your life once in a while will do you good.  At the same time, reflecting, but not dwelling, on the negative will allow you to basically compare yourself to the only person you should compare yourself to and that is YOU.   Most importantly, loving and accepting yourself for who you are to yourself and your children and being proud of where you have come is very important.  There are no limits for your future as long as you are open and willing to grasp opportunities.

Lastly ladies, if you don’t take anything from this article, remember that you are not defined by what others think of you.  We find definition in our compassion and unconditional love for our children and our own self-acceptance, self-worth, compassion and love for ourselves.  So, surround yourself with uplifting people who truly care about you and your children’s well-being.

KUDOS to all you single moms out there doing what others think is impossible! Keep on blooming!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Challenge or Opportunity?

Handling challenges of stepfamily life can be daunting.  Defining our roles as step-parents, the expectations we have of our stepchildren, competing for our spouses attention and loyalty conflicts are just a few of the challenges that we face being a part of a blended family.   All of the preceding issues can be looked at as a challenge, but what I like to teach my clients is that issues such as these, once completely understood, can be viewed as opportunities as well.

In the United States alone, between 75 and 85% of all divorced couples remarry and a third of all children in the  United States alone will spend part of their lives in a stepfamily.   With these stunning statistics at our fingertips, as members of the blended family, it is important to be aware that by fostering challenges and problems instead of fostering positive relationship building, having open discussions with our children and stepchildren and reinforcing realistic expectations, we are promoting instead of preventing the disconnect that often occurs within the stepfamily.  Most of the time, this disconnect occurs out of pure unrealistic expectations and non-understanding of the dynamics that accompanies the stepfamily environment.

Finding good, practical answers is not always easy because even stepfamilies that have been together for years, who are pretty much equipped with experience and knowledge under their belts, at times wrestle with issues.  However, as I have said in the past, it is how we mutually decide to handle these challenges by not allowing them to define our happiness within our units nor our success as a stepfamily.  Issues are going to arise.  Embrace them and fix it if you can.  If it is something that just can’t be agreed upon — well, agree to disagree, respect one another’s opinion, and move past it.  This small effort is allowing opportunity to rise above challenge.

Another very important tip in this process is always putting your marriage or remarriage first on your list of priorities.  Absolutely no marriage survives if the life partners in that marriage are in discord with one another.  For example, if you and your partner constantly disagree and struggle over the issue of discipline, or one or the other is insecure in your relationship because the kids are tearing you apart, and finally, a whopper of a discord is when one partner or the other lets guilt about a previous marital breakdown affect his or her parenting.  Your marriage has to be the center of your beings as a couple.  You cannot be insecure about your relationship and expect your stepchildren or children to be secure.  By taking this particular challenge by the horns and making sure you put your marriage first, you are exercising the opportunity to teach your children what a sound, stable and secure marriage is and should be.  They will know, in an instant, when two parents back each other unequivocally, through thick and thin, that there is no room for division on their part.  In essence, they will seek this type of marriage out in their own personal lives as well.

Choosing to transform our challenges into opportunities not only usually resolves, or helps to resolve, the conflict at hand, but it alleviates unnecessary struggles and it engages our behaviors toward the positive in other aspects of our lives as well.  Our children become more confident because evaluating conflict and the resolutions thereto, teaches them to look toward resolve instead of teaching them to stew upon negative emotions and things that they cannot change.  For example, if your husband’s ex hates your guts and you know you are being bad-mouthed in front of your stepchildren, don’t turn around and instigate the same behaviors in your home.  Simply use grace and confidence to handle that situation.  For example, if your stepchild says..”My mommy hates you!”  Simply, state something like…”I am so sorry that your mom feels that way about me because I don’t feel that way about her and maybe one day her perspective will change.”  Instead of,… “So frickin what your crazy mother hates me!  I hate her too.”  Do you see how just that simple response has the ability to change your stepchild’s response and/or idea of how that situation is viewed?  Not only does it teach them how to handle conflict, it teaches them humility.

Listen, I know better than anyone that the challenges the stepfamily life can bring is never just “black and white.”  Shades of grey are all over and in between, and most parents and stepparents are unprepared for the confusing and painful emotions that arise from time-to-time. However, by putting your relationship first and developing ways to make opportunities for bonding, teaching and loving instead of absorbing conflict, struggle and strife is one step in the right direction.  It is vitally important that our children have positive role models in their lives and it starts at home.  Whether they have two homes or one, in order for our children to be happy, we have to define our roles as parents and stepparents and allow them to learn and expect realistic expectations even when it comes down to a bit of conflict.

Let’s carve through the conflict to allow opportunity to evolve.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships

In any relationship, whether it be romantically involved (i.e., spousal or significant other, everyday friendships, sibling and often times even parental), conflict is inevitable.  What we don’t realize is that it is not the conflict in itself that is the problem, but rather simply, how we  decide to handle the conflict that either tears us apart or brings us closer together.

Research has shown that hanging on to ambivalent relationships (romantic or otherwise) in our lives where they are supportive and positive one minute and non-supportive/negative the next causes us more stress than a regular old negative relationship.  We bounce back and forth in these relationships never really knowing where we stand with the other person.  Research has also shown that this is also extremely physically unhealthy.

What does an ambivalent relationship or friendship look like one might ask?  For example, in some remarriages/stepfamilies, couples experience what I call the “weakest link” syndrome due to the stresses and strains such as conflict with an ex-spouse or stepchild, emotional/physical neglect and/or abuse and often times finances.  The stress level gets so high at times that one person feels as if they are constantly walking on eggshells.

The fact of the matter is that the world we live in today is full of unhealthy relationships.  We see them on on television, we hear about them on the news and bopp our heads to the tunes our music provides us about painful break-ups and conflict.  We also experience it first hand in our relationships with our friends and family.  Another example of a toxic relationship  can be that of an adult child that has grown up with a neglectful parent.  Whether that parent was neglectful due to the disease of physical abuse, drugs/alcohol or just simply walked away, there comes a time that we have to decide to accept these relationships for what they are not for what we imagine they can be.  We have to embrace the conflict we feel inside in order to accept that we can and need to let go of these relationships, especially when the outcome leads to our own positive well-being and health for that matter.

Another example of conflict and unhealthy relationships is that of ex-spouses that have not moved past the pain (a lot of the times due to not having closure, i.e., one spouse walked away suddenly, etc.) that they experienced during their previous relationship or their troubled marriage.  They want to disconnect, but hang on to emotions.  This is extremely harmful not just to the one behaving this way, but if the non-participating ex-spouse is remarried, it turns into major conflict for the remarriage, hence the “weakest link” syndrome kicks in.

Deciding to let go of  or exit an unhealthy relationship is hard.  In the alternative, a lot of people decide to just stay “stuck.”  In my opinion and through my experience, I have learned that what you need and want to accomplish in this one life that we get,  is much too short and precious to waste on people who do not feel or want the same things that you do.  Sometimes, those people are our friends, parents, spouses and siblings and when we need to let go of an unhealthy relationship, there is going to be pain.  However, it is wise and empowering to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and allow yourself to take inventory of the roles people have played in your life.  Obviously, I am not promoting cutting good people out of your life, but simply eliminating the stress and by doing so, sometimes we have to eliminate the folks that cause that stress.  Can people change?  Of course.   Can relationships that may be defunct at this moment end up flourishing? Absolutely.  I am a big proponent of change.  Two people, whether they are spouses, friends or family members, do not have to always agree  and obviously will not always share the same values, desires and goals in life, but if the stress from one of these relationships becomes detrimental to your happiness, being able to focus and becoming aware of your own goals and desires may require ending that stressful relationship.  Here are a few examples of questions you might ask yourself and thoughts you might consider:

• Acknowledge your own mistakes in the relationship.
• Does this person’s influence or feelings flip/flop back and forth from positive to negative at a moment’s notice continually and does it stress you out?
• Do you feel as if you walk on eggshells around this person?
• Are you being physically or emotionally abused?
• Are you being financially stifled to the point that you are afraid to speak up?
• Are you stuck in a dead-end relationship?
• Are you always available for your friends but they are never available for you?
• Does your parent make you feel guilty for their past parental actions or non-actions?
• Do you feel you need to re-evaluate the direction your relationship is taking?

When we set clear intentions in our relationships, we clear the path for our own progress and true happiness.  In learning this, we are putting a voice to the emotional part of inner-beings and again, accomplishing true happiness.

Peace &  Blessings,
Di

#1 Rule: Love Each Other First

New York Times Best Selling Author” Ayelet Waldman said it best….”I love my husband more than I love my children” in a prior essay she wrote about marriage and children.   She was also “booed” on the Oprah show for her remarks.  After reading her prior essay and listening to Ms. Waldman on the radio program, Fresh Air, I can’t wait to go out and get my copy of ”Bad Mother.”‘

With that, her essay point begged a post on the subject of the first rule for every marriage and especially blended family, spouses must love one another first and must put each other first, before the children and especially ex-spouses, in their lives.  In America, and I am certain in other countries as well, we have been trained so differently, especially if you are a single mother. We are taught that once we have children, they come first, at times, even before ourselves.  All we know is our children.  All we want to do is take care of them first and foremost.  Not only is this philosophy wrong and detrimental to our emotional health and well-being, but to our marriages as well.  In order for our marriages to survive and in order for us to create a healthy, happy home life for all of us, we have to align with our spouses and have a bond that is stronger than that of the bond with our children.  This is a daunting task to say the least because like Ms. Waldman being “booed” on Oprah, society just can’t always wrap their minds around the idea that if your marriage is unbreakable and your husband/wife is first in your life, not only will your overall family life be better, but your children will be happier, well-rounded and emotionally well.

Of course, I, like most parents, can understand the fear behind the idea of putting your spouse ahead of your children because up until about 3 years ago, if you asked me if I would not have put any man before my children, even their fathers, I would have said “No” unequivocally.  However, 3 years ago, my marriage wasn’t at all like it is today.  The Bible tells us to cling to our spouses but some of us still cling to everyone but our spouses.  The very day that I made the decision to always put my husband before my children, grown or not, my marriage changed for the better.  Not only is this rule good for you, your spouse and your marriage, there is an incredible lesson being taught to your children.  Your children learn that there is no room for division.  They learn what it means to have unity and security.  Moreover, when they are older, they will be more likely to enjoy healthy, happy marriages themselves.  It has been proven time and time again that if your marriage is not strong, your children will be able to feel and sense it which in turn makes them insecure.  Being on the same page and putting your spouse first teaches your children that they cannot dismantle the family hierarchy but rather fortify their role in the family as well, thereby avoiding confusion.

In my opinion, Ms. Waldman has it on point.  The luckiest thing that has ever happened to me is meeting my husband.  It is a remarkable feeling to know that he and I always have one another’s back, that we stand united together in not just our decisions, but in the wholeness of our marriage.  Although our children may not like it at times, they know they cannot drive wedges between us nor can they play one of us against the other.  These are life lessons that they take into adulthood and into their own marriages.  By my husband and I always putting one another first and taking care of our marriage first, we are making sure our needs as a couple are being met.  For example, when you board an airplane, what is the first thing that happens?  The flight attendants teach you how to use the oxygen masks first as parents, and then give them to your children, correct?   That is because if you are not stable, they won’t be stable.  The same applies in your marriage and family life.  If you as parents aren’t stable, there is no way you can provide a stable environment for your children.  The most important part of that stability is loving your husband or wife first and putting your marriage before your children.

Say yes to your marriage and remember the number one rule:  Love each other first.

Peace & Blessings.
Di

Work-at-Home Moms

Whether you are a mom in a modern or biological/nuclear family, whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a work-at-home mom, you have a tough balancing act to perform.  Balancing work life and family life separately is a daunting task, but for work-at-home moms  (and I personally know a few great women who make working at home a part of their daily lives) who walk a fine line daily in order to balance work and family life.  Let’s face it, us traditional working mothers are often times envious of the proverbial “stay-at-home” mom and we talk about how work-at-home moms have the best of both worlds and how it is so easy.  Granted, they do have the best of both worlds, but at a price.  Believe me, I have seen it first hand and quite honestly, although staying with my children and having the flexibility to work from home would be great, I’m not sure I could be as well organized as these women are.

Being a work-at-home mom is tough.  Trying to juggle day-to-day work activities and changing pampers at the same time isn’t always a conducive way to get things done.  However, these courageous moms find a way.  I have watched women conduct conference calls, take notes, schedule meetings,  nurse a baby, send a spreadsheet via email and put the baby down for a nap all in one afternoon.

Remember the “price” I spoke about above?  Albeit unfairly, most work-at-home moms will experience challenging pressures while walking that tightrope.  At times, husbands will take for granted the special skills their wives possess and at other times will confuse working at home with staying at home.   This especially holds true if maybe a wife was once a full-time working mom and stepped out on faith to become an entrepreneur.  During tough economic or stressful times, these women may be made to feel as if their contribution to the family has waned, which in turn causes resentment in both husband and wife. This is just one example of the ”price” some work-at-home moms pay to have the best of both worlds.  Another example is the pressures of finding balance of mixing work with family life.  Most of these women are up at the crack of dawn and don’t lie down until the wee hours of the morning in order to get work done just to start over again the next day.  Let’s not forget that nothing stops that toddler or infant from waking up in the middle of your conference call, the dishes still have to get done, the laundry folded and dinner prepared.  Granted, at the end of the day, some will say that these women “signed up” for their jobs so they should just handle the pressures that come along with it and be grateful that they can stay home with their children and make money at the same time.  Yes, they signed up for their jobs, but they also work their behinds off and deserve support from their family members and friends but especially from their spouses.

Research shows that in the past 10 years, there are more women entreprenuers (a lot of which are work-at-home moms) than ever before and the numbers are continuing to grow.  Women want to and can do both!  So, TMF husbands who have the blessing of having work-at-home wives, throw your support behind the great women you have in your lives.  I challenge you to walk that tightrope for one day and step in your wives shoes.  I can promise you will be simply amazed at their talents.  These women deserve kudos!  They are doing it all and their efforts should not go unnoticed.

Today’s Modern Family says “hats off” to all of you work-at-home moms who are doing it all.  Especially those who also balance the blended family as well.  Keep up the good work!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Blended Families Aren’t Perfect and That’s Okay!

We all know that nuclear families aren’t perfect so why would the blended family be any different?  We all have our roles to play and we all have a responsibility to execute the duties that come along with our roles in order to allow our families to flourish.

In retrospect, boy oh boy, there have been times when the functions of my own blended family have been less than perfect, but that is fine with me!  I realized a long time ago, like with anything in life, no matter how hard you try or how hard you work, at times, things will go wrong.  Changes sneak up on us and while we are sitting around contemplating and worrying about them constantly, before we know it, new changes are taking effect and the old ones have been forgotten about.   I decided that instead of doing a lot of extra contemplating and worrying, I would accept the changes and work to make my blended family more cohesive.  In essence, put action to work and leave intermittent worries and contemplations where they belong and that is at the bottom of the stack of problems that may or may not be something to worry about, especially if it is not in direct relation to your household.

As members of the blended family, we need to focus on what unites us instead of what divides us.  For example, when a problem or an issue arises within your blended family, instead of focusing completely on what is negative about it, do your best to find something positive to focus on.  If you are having a problem with your spouse, co-parent, stepparent or your stepchild, think about what that person actually brings to your life, or that of your blended family member, instead of focusing completely on their faults or on what you personally don’t like about them.  By doing this, there will be less focus on the negative and the simple problem at hand will become less important.  Remember, each person in the blended family adds something special to the unit.  We have to take time to explore those special qualities and know that it’s okay to be where we are.

Appreciating and recognizing every person’s role in the blended family and that they are going to make mistakes will allow their mishaps or habits to become more tolerable (as long as the habits are not unhealthy physically or emotionally), especially if the alternative is at the expense of your relationship.   In going through blended family struggles from time-to-time, learning to accept the impermanence and imperfections within same have allowed me cherish the good attributes, accept the not so lovely ones and deeply embody the lessons that I learn through my journey.  Too many times, especially in blended families, people live in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction because they refuse to just simply accept that there are going to be times when life throws them a curve ball and imperfections in their blended families are inevitably going to surface.  At times, we even decide throw away good relationships because we think that if our blended family isn’t perfect or everyone doesn’t “like us” then it won’t work.  Don’t settle for less than you deserve in your blended family.  Strive for cohesiveness in a positive way.  It is possible to live cohesively with imperfections.

Lastly TMF readers, it’s OK to be where you are.  It’s okay for our relationships to have imperfections.  Those imperfections mold us into what we become down the road in our marriages and in our relationships with our children and stepchildren.  They teach us how to become better spouses, parents, co-parents, stepparents and stepchildren.  They teach us how to love better.  Don’t pine for what you don’t have, instead, focus on what you do have.  This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work to change the issues that may arise or work to improve, but rather, find balance and acceptance.  Remember….”and this too shall pass!”

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Helicopter Parenting and Neurotic Kids

Today, I read a fabulous article on MSNBC.  I am reposting it for your reading pleasure as it is not only interesting, but got my wheels turning about free-range parenting.   When I was growing up, when kids went off to college, it was not just for an educational experience, but more so a life experience.  Nowadays, parents don’t allow their children to grow and learn because of their over-protectiveness.  It has actually become a fault.  I know we live in different times now and the world has changed, but we have to allow our children to become independent because without independence they cannot flourish as adults.  It all starts before the age of 5.  Enjoy!

Helicopter Parents have Neurotic Kids
By:  Rachel Rettner

Overly protective parents might be leaving a lasting impact on their child’s personality, and not in a good way, a new study finds.

The results show having so-called “helicopter parents” was associated with being dependent, neurotic and less open, a slew of personality traits that are generally thought of as undesirable.

The study, which surveyed college freshman, is one of the first to try to define exactly what helicopter parenting is, and measure it. The term was originally coined by college admissions personnel when they started to notice a change in parents of prospective students - parents would call the admissions office and try to intervene in a process that had previously just been between the student and the college, said study researcher Neil Montgomery, a psychologist at Keene State College in New Hampshire.

While the findings are only preliminary, and more studies are needed to back up the results, they suggest this type of over-parenting might lead to children who are ultimately not ready to leave the nest.

“I think what the helicopter parents did is they decided, ‘OK we know what good parenting looks like, we’re just going to ratchet it up to a new level, and our kids are going to be even better,’” Montgomery said. “The problem is, when they ratcheted it up, they went too far, and in fact, caused an expansion of childhood or adolescence.”

Hovering parents, neurotic children
Montgomery and his colleagues surveyed about 300 freshmen with a questionnaire the researchers specifically designed to assess helicopter parenting. They focused on college students, because college is a “crisis point” in the relationship between the helicopter parent and the child, Montgomery said. At this stage, the parents no longer have control over their child’s life and can’t keep track of them like in the past.

Participants had to rate their level of agreement with statements such as, “My parents have contacted a school official on my behalf to solve problems for me,” “On my college move-in day, my parents stayed the night in town to make sure I was adjusted,” and “If two days go by without contact, my parents would contact me.”

About 10 percent of the participants had helicopter parents. The rate was higher in girls than in boys, with 13 percent of the females being helicoptered compared with just 5 percent of males. And it was mainly mothers doing the hovering, Montgomery said.

Students with helicopter parents tended to be less open to new ideas and actions, as well as more vulnerable, anxious and self-consciousness, among other factors, compared with their counterparts with more distant parents.

“We have a person who is dependent, who is vulnerable, who is self-conscious, who is anxious, who is impulsive, not open to new actions or ideas; is that going to make a successful college student?” Montgomery said. “No, not exactly, it’s really a horrible story at the end of the day.”

On the other hand, in non-helicoptered students who were given responsibility and not constantly monitored by their parents - so-called “free rangers” - the effects were reversed, Montgomery said.

Future outlook
Montgomery notes that the findings only show an association, and not a direct cause-effect link, meaning all children with helicopter parents don’t necessarily turn out this way. However, he thinks the research should encourage parents to think about what they are doing as they raise their children, and be aware that there is such a thing as over-parenting.

He hopes the work leads to more research in the area, including large studies on different populations of children, such as high-school and middle-school students. Future studies will hopefully bring about a clearer picture of helicopter parenting, Montgomery said.

“People keep talking about it like everyone knows what it is,” Montgomery said. “And it’s not clear that anyone really knows what it is, other than the people they know personally who are doing these things.”

The results were presented May 29 at the Association of Psychological Science Convention in Boston.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The Power of Influence

Most often, the subject title of this post would be taken as negative in the minds of  most.  However, I wanted to talk a bit about the positive ways that we as partners can influence one another in our relationships.

Solid relationships aren’t about beating our respective flaws out of one another, but about accepting them in one another, changing the framework of our attitudes and our approach to how we handle situations as they arise.  For example, as women, and being the emotional creatures that we are, we assume that men have no emotions.  Instead of automatically assuming that our husbands/partners or significant others don’t understand our feelings or concerns, and decide to bump heads at every possible corner with him/her, we can change our approach and instead decide to be the channel for loving on an emotional basis.  Men need just as much emotional love as women do.  By being the channel for that love, we are speaking his language.  He doesn’t always know how to show his emotions, because boys aren’t raised up, most of the time, to show them.  Therefore, by being the channel to for love, our influence in that part of our relationship will speak volumes to our spouses.  Change the framework.  Reframe your ideas and opinions.

Don’t focus on faults.  Instead, show your spouse that his/her faults are just endearing idiosyncrasies that you may not always like, but that you have grown to accept as a part of being imperfect, as we all are.  By doing this, we are influencing our spouse to do the same when some of our own faults or endearing idiosyncrasies suddenly decide to show up.

Let’s face it, the truth is that in marriage, it is literally impossible for two people to live together for any length of time and there not be times where they hurt one another.  It has often been said that all too often our lives get in the way of our living and loving fully.  By changing our approaches and reframing our problems on our individual end, we influence our marriages for the good.  That good turns into reciprocity.  As we are taught when we are little, “treat others as you wish to be treated.”  It comes full circle because when you give good, you get good.

Happy marriages are based upon truly deep friendships, mutual respect and mutual deposits by both spouses.  Having positive thoughts and exuding positive behaviors will, in turn, supercede negative feelings by our spouses.  It is very persuasive when we are able to overcome negativity with positivity.

So TMF readers. . . .influence, influence, influence your spouse with positivity.  Reframe your approach and attitudes and I promise, it will return to you two-fold.  Remember, love is patient, kind and long-suffering.  But, most importantly, it accepts many imperfections.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

It’s Nothing Personal!

In the past, I have been told these words but it wasn’t until experiencing a small blended family crisis of my own last year did I really and truly find out how powerful those words can be, how powerful the meaning of them truly is and how I could apply them in several aspects of my life.   I found, through that experience, that my life, is better understood when I resolve myself to not take issues or situations too personally.  Life is easier this way for me.  Moreover, life is entirely too short for allowing myself to make issues “about me” instead of applying them to their rightful owners.  Now, does this mean we cannot be helpful at all regarding issues within our blended families should we be asked for help?  Absolutely not.  However, what I am saying is sticking our noses in other folks business and taking on their problems is not healthy for us period.  History tells us that stepmoms tend to try to carry the cross for everyone in the blended family, especially for our husbands when issues arise within the blended family, and it is not good for our mental, physical or emotional health and well-being.  This philosophy holds true for our work environments and also within our own households with our own children as well.  And, to be perfectly honest, once I jumped on the bandwagon, there was no stopping me.  I applied this rule within my life with my grown children as well.  I don’t take it personal.  Their issues are theirs and theirs to deal with.  I can give advice and if they decide not to take it, well then they deal with the ramifications. Not me.  With that being said, my stress level has become next to nil.

Historically, stepmothers have always felt the need to be the “be all and do all” or the “fixer of many things” not realizing that some of those stresses and issues just aren’t ours to deal with and sometimes our involvement, especially when unsolicited, can be downright irritating.  We skew the understanding of our roles. What stepmothers need to understand is that just because you are a stepmother and wife doesn’t mean that you have to own your husband’s problems or issues.  Should you be there for him?  Yes.  Should he be able to lean on you for understanding? Absolutely.  Should you take over and handle issues for him that he is perfectly capable of dealing with and should be handling himself?  Absolutely Not!  And, furthermore, if he doesn’t ask you for your help or if he happens NOT lean on you and prefers to handle an issue directly with his ex wife about his children, IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL!  Having these very unrealistic expectations of yourself and your role will cause more confusion.

So, stepmoms or soon-to-be stepmoms, stop trying to micro-manage every aspect of the lives of those around you and take that energy and time to work on yourself.  Whether that be by spending some quality “me” time with yourself at the spa or, like I try to do once or twice a year, rent a hotel room for a night and enjoy the quiet, relaxing time  alone.  Your children, your husband and the pressures of life will be there upon your return.  Take time to re-evaluate and re-invigorate  your role and yourself.

If you’re doing all you can at your job and your efforts go under-appreciated, don’t take it personally and bring it home with you after work.  If your stepchildren are having a hard time accepting you, do what you are supposed to do as a step-parent and don’t take it personal.  If your spouse’s ex has an issue with you, assign that problem back to it’s rightful owner and don’t take it personal!   Release that stress.

Remember, being the “be all and do all” won’t make your step-children love you more or make you feel more appreciated, it will only run you down.  Taking care of ourselves, our families and being who we are within our blended families is enough.   All the rest comes with time and is gravy!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Dads’ Summer Visitation

With Summer quickly approaching, a lot of non-custodial parents (who are usually dads) are about to embark on yet another Summer visitation.  With that being said, having a productive Summer visitation with your children should be on every dad’s wish list.  Most people see Summer visitation as images of beaches, amusement parks, going to bed late and getting up even later.   However, while our children deserve to have fun during the Summer, it should also be a productive time for them as well.  While our children undoubtedly are expectant of a fun Summer visitation, dads need to be careful not to “over do” or for a lack of better words, fall into the trap of the “disneyland dad” syndrome.  Summer visitation is a very important bonding time with your children, which should be fairly uninterrupted by the custodial parent, but also time that should be balanced by productiveness.

Being able to spend extra quality time with your children and making lasting memories with them will take them through the rest of their lives.  With that,  creating a positive experience during this time can be challenging without good preparation.  As such, preparation should also include your children.  Making plans ahead of time with your children’s involvement can be a fun activity.  For example, making weekly phone calls and perhaps exchanging emails to discuss updates and new plans.  By doing this you also strengthen the communication between yourself and  your children as well.  By making them a part of the planning, they will feel that their voices are being heard and their ideas considered as well.

Remember, by using your extended time well with your children, you will be making lasting memories that will pay great dividends in the future.  As parents, the most precious gift we can give our children is that of our time.  Your personal investment in spending time with your children is worth much more than any gift you can buy them.

Here are a few planning tips for you dads who might struggle with planning for your Summer visitations:

• Turn off the TV and you and your children sit down together and make your Summer activity “Wish List.”
• Plan a Summer road trip.  Whether it be a day trip or a weekend trip, explore new ground.
• Institute the “Summer Book Club.”  Read with your children.  Check out books at the library or purchase them and have family discussions about same.  This is a great, fun way to incorporate the much needed reading time over the Summer.
• Hit your local museums for the day.  Another way to incorporate education.
• Organize a family reunion.  Take the extra time to allow your children to visit your extended family.
• Volunteer.  There are lot of opportunities for people of all ages to volunteer.  Volunteering teaches humility, self-respect, respect for others, and most importantly, builds character in our children.  Teaching children to give of themselves is a life-long lesson that they will pass on for years to come.
• Check out fun Summer day camps.  All children benefit from social interaction outside of school.

Lastly, keep in mind, especially if there is a large geographical difference between your home and the custodial parents home, that Summer visitation can be an emotional time for children.  Helping them to prepare ahead of time helps to calm their anxieties.  Allowing your children to have somewhat frequent contact with the custodial parent gives them a sense of security and helps to calm their nerves about becoming homesick.  However, its also important that custodial parents remember how important it is for their children to have that uninterrupted quality/bonding time with the non-custodial parent as it makes for extremely well-rounded children who are filled with self-esteem because they are encouraged to have healthy relationships with both of their parents.

May your Summer visitation be productive, filled with lasting memories and full of fun times!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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