The Friends/Family Balance

This article was first published by Cynthia Hanson of Life and Beauty Weekly

The Beatles got it right: You can get by with a little help from your friends. Trouble is it’s tough to get their support if you don’t see them! So what to do when you haven’t had a girls’ night out in ages or your job leaves you feeling like you don’t have energy for your loved ones? Make a plan to get your life in a balance that includes both friends and family.

“Research shows that maintaining friendships increases longevity and boosts the immune system,” says Andrea Bonior, a licensed clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C., and author of The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing, Losing and Keeping up With Your Friends. “But it’s hard for many women to prioritize friendships because they don’t seem as crucial as our families, jobs and responsibilities.” Follow this stress-less plan to strike a better balance and stay connected with all the important people in your life.

1. Don’t settle for Facebook newsfeeds.

“Me” time is vital to self-care — and self-care is crucial to staying in balance and having the energy you need for your family. “Give yourself permission to talk on the phone with a friend or do something fun together — even if you have to plan it four weeks in advance,” says Bonior. “You may feel like you keep up with friends over Facebook, but you’re not getting the same emotional connection when you’re clicking and commenting on links. You need more sustained, face-to-face contact or voice contact.”

2. Keep family time separate.

Does your friend always call when you’re getting your preschooler ready for bed? Or when you and your husband are trying to relax after dinner? Solution: Be assertive and set boundaries.

“It’s OK to screen your calls and tell friends that your evenings are family time,” says Joyce Marter, a psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance LLC, a multisite counseling practice in Chicago. Let friends know when you’re free to dish — perhaps on your lunch hour or before you leave work. That way you won’t miss their latest news or your game of Monopoly with the kids.

3. Set a standing date.

It’s hard to coordinate a meet-up with a friend when your kids’ activities keep you hopping and chores keep you busy on weekends. Choose a day and time that fit your lifestyles and workloads — perhaps coffee at 3 p.m. on Wednesday, or brunch on the third Sunday of every month. Then stick to it, just as you would stick to a spinning class.

“Standing dates are also a good way to get a group of three or four friends together,” says Bonior. “It gets drilled into your brain that it’s something you want to do and should do.” Plus, by having it on your calendar, you’ll avoid all the back-and-forth “When are you free?” texts.

4. Be flexible.

Not big on breakfast, but 8:00 a.m. is the only time your friend is free? Take one for the team and nibble a bagel anyway. What counts is getting together — and it’s a guaranteed mood-booster. “When you connect and laugh with a friend, you know you’re not alone in dealing with life’s challenges,” says Marter.

5. Think small.

Back in the day, you lingered together over martinis and escaped to luxury spas. But those gal-pal outings aren’t realistic right now when you’re busy with family matters. So settle for close encounters of the quick kind. It’s better to squeeze in 45-minute lunch dates between client meetings than to have no F2F time at all!

I Have Cancer? The Journey of a New Mother and Her Mesothelioma Diagnosis

This article was first published by Heather Von St. James. To follow her journey and read more insightful articles, check out her blog here.

August 4th, 2005, 3:00 a.m. I sat up to get out of bed to walk around after a couple of hours of fitful sleep. We had already gone to the hospital earlier that day thinking THIS IS IT! SHE IS ON HER WAY!! Sadly, my contractions stopped once we got there and we were sent back home. As I stood up from the bed that night, all of the sudden, I felt a “pop” and a “whoosh”! My water broke! This was it! I yelled out to my husband, Cameron to hurry because our baby was coming.

Once we finally arrived at the hospital things began to move quickly. They checked me to make sure everything was okay and to make sure Lily was in the right position for delivery. Unfortunately, it was determined that she was frank breech. Delivering a baby who is a frank breech is extremely dangerous, not only for the child, but for the mother as well. Due to this, I was immediately scheduled to have cesarean section. I remember saying in my happy, but drugged up stupor that I was glad because now I knew our baby would have a nice round head. This is how I think when I hear bad news. I have to remember that things could be much worse. I always find the bright side no matter what the situation may be! Lily Rose came into the world at 5:18 a.m. Out she came squawking like crazy, letting us know that she was here, and, dammit we would know it.

Lily was pink, chubby, and yes, her head was round. They let Cameron hold her, while I stroked her little, downy head. After I saw and touched my baby for the first time they took her to the nursery, in order to finish my surgery. Everything went wonderfully. I was the proud parent to a beautiful baby girl. I healed well from the c-section, Lily took to nursing like a pro, and 4 days later we were sent home. At the time I was told I was a little anemic, but to eat some protein and all would be well. I had no idea that anemia was one symptom to my fate.

The first few weeks of parenthood flew by. I was getting used to having a baby around the house. I healed from surgery and was left to figuring out all the snaps of baby clothes in the middle of the night. All things considered, I was learning and living like any other new parent. However, I did this with even less sleep than most new moms. I spent many nights sleeping in the recliner with Lily, both of us falling asleep as I nursed her. I was exhausted, but what new parent isn’t? Before I knew it maternity leave was up and I had to go back to work.

I worked full-time behind the chair of the salon I was partial owner of and managed. Most people get 12 weeks off for maternity leave. However, not in my industry, I took 4 weeks off, yes only 4. I had a full book of clients waiting for me and although I only worked part time the first month, it was still challenging.

The great thing about working and breast-feeding was I started losing weight. Not only was I losing weight, I was shedding the baby pounds fast. Actually, I was dropping a couple of pounds a week. I was not a small girl when I got pregnant; I am 5’10″ and weighed 225 pounds when I delivered Lily. During my pregnancy I only gained 5 pounds. Looking back I should have known that that was not normal!

At any rate, the doctor chalked up my weight loss to healthy eating. My doctor was not concerned, so naturally neither was I. My weight continued to literally fall off over the next few weeks, but instead of feeling better, I felt progressively worse. I had no energy, I was short of breath, and I had a low grade fever every night. In addition to these symptoms I was rather pale. I just continued to blame all of this on being a new mom.

Read the entire article here.

May The Flirt Be With You!

And may your nearest redeemer for frequent flirter miles not be a 3 ft tall, grammatically challenged know-it-all. Although, this little green ladies’ man seems to know his way around a flirt…and a skirt. Once again, men are left scratching their heads as the whole concept of “size matters” is shot to hell by this image of a seemingly studly Yoda regaling women with tales starring the forceful magic of his “light saber.” Tales so heroic, so sexually charged, they send women’s clothing plunging to a crumpled heap on the ground in a desperate plea of surrender. Or so says Photoshop.

Captivating I am. Seduce you I will.

Every Jedi knows the art of flirting is a mix of conversation, body language, and physical touch…and may just be our most vital form of communication. It’s the foreplay to our foreplay, so to say.

We flirt because it’s a necessary road to reproduction junction. It could be that the flirtee is just too hot to be denied our charms. And it could be that it’s just fun. Scientists say that flirting doesn’t necessarily mean attraction. That, hot or not, we’re evolutionarily programmed to be sexually alert, on our toes, and prepared for passionate throes. Married, single, or “it’s complicated” …our primitive libidos are in constant battle with modern monogamy. So, even if we’re off the market, we flirt with potential buyers to humor our libidos…and our egos. Met with success, or shaming mess, we flirt to advertise our assets…and remind ourselves we’ve still got it. When we flirt, we display our creativity, our humor, and our intelligence…flaunting our stellar skills for withstanding whatever poo pies life may throw our way (selling ourselves as the optimal life partner). But aside from our dung dodging skills, we spread our peacock feathers…display our bountiful (surgically custom) cleavage, our Baby Got Back bums, our Fabio-lously spray tanned flexing pecs, our firm afterglow-inducing light sabers. Saying, without saying, “I got that good hit! Don’t you want to bag me?”

We flirt. We bag. We ensure the survival of our genetic genius. And we settle into family life. We now have children to raise, mortgages to pay, bosses to mock, and spontaneity to block. Burdened by an endlessly overwhelming list of chores and responsibilities that would make even the most devoted Family Guy pimp out his wife for a break, we don’t take time to maintain flirting fluency with our main squeeze. The romance dies. We’re merely roommates…without benefits…tending to chores. Making it from one day to the next. We get comfortable in the notion that our spouse isn’t going anywhere. And realize…neither are we. We’re in a rut.

It’s then that we realize that somewhere along the way, we’ve become biologically washed up. With no sex life and no sex appeal, we’re no longer relevant to the circle of life. We begin to feel unwanted and depressed. We start to miss the flirt, the chase…the thrill of sexual possibilities. Ironically, both spouses will come face to face with his/her own feeling of sexual loss. However, neither will attempt to fill this void for the other. Usually because we’re both too busy trying to maintain every other relationship in the daily grind…forgetting that a happy sweetie promises a different grind altogether. We go out of our way to please other people. Bosses, friends, co-workers. Why? Because we know that our bosses, our friends, or our co-workers can, and will, walk out on us at any time. We don’t take these relationships for granted. So we see the value in the work needed to maintain them. But our spouses…we take them for granted. We don’t work on the marital relationship because it’s the one place we think we can afford to get lazy and fall asleep on the job.

Divorce…and remarriage…statistics beg to differ.

The cold hard truth is…what we take for granted, someone just around the corner is all too eager to appreciate.

Whatever the cost to our social or family life, we’re drawn to flirty appreciation like an oompa loompa to shoe lifts. It boosts our egos, stimulates our sex drives, and spices up our lives. We need to flirt to feel special…to feel connected. We need it emotionally and sexually. So, if no one is flirting with us at home, we begin to feel stagnant. We grow bored with our marriage AND ourselves. And we’re all the more receptive to outside flirts.

Marriage is monotonous…on a good day. If we want to keep it fresh and romantic, we can’t put away our dazzling peacock plumage just because we’re too lazy to strut it. We need to continue displaying our assets. Otherwise, life clouds our memory. And we both forget why we fell in love in the first place. The flirt, the tease, the challenge, the FUN…this is what keeps our spouse true and still believing in “I do.”

Why flirting with the one that matters…matters?

* It’s adult play. We never outgrow our need for play. Make your spouse your toy.

* It boosts both egos. Flirting gives us a sense of power. Whether we’re the hunter or the prey, we all enjoy a good chase. It validates our sexual worth.

* It’s the language of love…promising the continual emotional connection we seek so ruthlessly.

* It reminds our spouse that we’re still very much attracted to them…translation: “I don’t take you for granted!”

* It’s healthy for children to witness our playful love. It provides them a sense of security and models a healthy, loving relationship.

* It will eventually lead to sex. Filthy, dirty sex…somewhere.

Teasing Tactics:

* Be witty and challenging.

* Tackle a chore your sweetie usually takes care of.

* Wear flirty clothes…or no clothes.

* Snuggle…give back rubs or massages.

* Engage in sexy, suggestive banter. Remember, the brain is our most sexual organ.

* Compliment. Flattery will get you everywhere.

* Send romantic/sexy texts or emails…either as yourself…or the sultry stranger who’s been lusting from afar.

* Create a special hand signal (sign language) for a romantic/sexy message just between the two of you.

It’s our nature to follow the flirt. When it comes to your sweetie, turn up your tease…

Lead the way.

Chick Hughes is a wife of 15 years, mother of 2, and lover of psychology. She holds a B.S. in Psychology and offers insight, advice, and humor on relationships, sex, and family. She has extensive experience with children, but now stays home with her own children, Patrick (9) and Anna (3), who both delight and challenge her daily. You can visit her website at http://www.chickhughes.comto read more of her work. Or you can visit her fan page on Facebook, Chick Hughes, where you can participate in discussions relating to her current topic.

The 72 Hour Design Challenge

Who has a space they have absolutely no idea what to do with? How’s that living room looking? Bedroom need a little TLC? Bathroom kindof drab? What about your kitchen? Could it use a facelift? Whatever your design dilemma is let’s tackle it together!

Here’s how it works…subscribe to my blog at www.yourcolorvision.wordpress.com  (if you haven’t already), email me (click on TV to your top right) clear pictures of the space and what your design style is i.e. modern, traditional, rustic etc and I’ll respond within 72 hours with a design solution!

C’mon this will be fun! If you want to see an example, check out the ideas I came up with for my friend Jimmy’s Place below.

You have nothing to lose. Ready…Set…Send me those pics!

Be COLORful!

RHOBH Russell Armstrong Commits Suicide!

I am so very sad to be reporting the tragic death of Real Housewives of Beverly Hill’s Taylor Armstrong’s husband, Russell Armstrong. He was found dead at a friend’s house on Monday night after apparently hanging himself. He did not leave a note, but there have been rumors  that his strained marriage to Taylor and financial downfall may have had something to do with him taking his own life. Russell’s ex-wife, Barbara Fredrickson, with whom he shares a 14 year old son, blames Taylor for his death.

“She drove him into financial stress and it just ruined him. Now Aiden [their 14 year old son] must continue his life without his father,” said Fredrickson.

As of today, Taylor had  not revealed the devistating news to the 5 year old daughter that she shared with Russell. The TMF family sends prayers and hugs to Taylor, Kennedy, Barbara, Aiden and any other relative or friend who has been affected by this tragic loss. May God be with you during your time of mourning and need.

All Moms Need Self-Care

The last 16 months have been a whirlwind for me and my family. The addition of our little miracle baby has been welcomed but so chaotic and full of changes. Before Bam Bam (that’s what we call him), my husband and I were raising a 13 year old who was self-sufficient. He could make his own food, iron and pick out his own clothes, and carried his IPod Touch around like it was a cochlear implant. Motherhood and parenthood for that matter was very different.

I have always been an advocate of mothers and stepmothers taking time to indulge in a bit of self-care. It is so important to not completely devote yourself to being a mother or a stepmother in order to be a good mother or stepmother. I’ve received angry emails from readers stating that I was wrong for telling stepmothers to assign ownership of certain responsibilities to their rightful owners and use that down time for themselves. I told them that it is completely okay, natural and healthy to tell their spouse that they will not be responsible for their stepchildren every single time they come to visit. Instead, I told them to use that time to take a nap, have a girl’s night, get a hobby or do all of the above. This advice is especially true for the stepmothers who have kids of their own and can never seem to get a moment of down time.

Well, for the past 16 months this has never been more true and apparent to me. A woman cannot soley focus on her children and/or stepchildren and husband without: 1) losing a huge piece of herself and/or 2) going insane. She needs time to de-stress, regroup and recharge in order to be a good mom/stepmom and wife. There’s just no way around it and women should not feel guilty for demanding to recharge her batteries. During the first year of my son’s life as I operated on maybe two hours worth of sleep, little food and no energy, my husband, friends, family, pastor and other new or renewed moms would tell me to take time for myself. They almost begged me to step away from my sweet little angel so that I could recharge. Because he was a preemie and is still experiencing health issues as a result, I didn’t want to leave him with ANYONE. But, this meant that I was with him all of the time and it just wasn’t healthy for either of us.  Thank God for my wonderful husband who took time off of work to not only take care of us but to remind me what I have been advocating for the past several years – “me” time! When I wouldn’t budge, he started arranging girl’s night outs for me. He called a few of my friends, made reservations at one of my favorite restaurants, made reservations at a spa for all of us and paid for everything. Once he did that a few times, it became a habit and now I look forward to spending time away from my angel. I have even revisited my love of photography and  look forward to the moments I get to use that creative outlet. I need it in order to be the best mommy I can be to my children and you moms/stepmoms need it too. So take a little time to indulge in regular self-care and do so without guilt. Your entire family will be better as a result.

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony Split

After 7 years of marriage, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have decided to call it quits. We are really upset by this because they seemed so solid. Our prayer is that they are able to work it out amicably for the sake of their beautiful twins, Max and Emme.

Lopez and Anthony released the following joint statement regarding their spit:

“We have decided to end our marriage. This was a very difficult decision. We have come to an amicable conclusion on all matters. It is a painful time for all involved, and we appreciate the respect of our privacy at this time.”

Jennifer and Marc, you and your family are in our prayers. As business partners and co-parents we hope that this situation remains an amicable one.

Love the ladies at The Glow

Ok, I found a new love and it combines 3 of my passions; beautiful photographs, telling a story and celebrating modern mamahood! I’m officially in love with www.theglow.com.

In their own words, The Glow is a glimpse into the world of inspiring and fashionable moms. There you’ll find their styling ideas, go-to gear, multitasking secrets, and enviable decor.

What I love about these jet-setting moms (which is what, in my opinion, makes them modern mamas) is witnessing the sweet moments they share with their kids in these beautiful photographs taken by Kelly Stuart of http://www.kellystuartphoto.com/. They are candid about their experiences with motherhood; from sleepless nights to finding balance between being a wife and mother while not losing themselves. Check out a few of the photos below and be sure to visit http://www.theglow.com/.

It IS possible to be wife, mother/stepmother AND not lose yourself in the process! It is the essence of modern mamahood – take notes!

"Take naps whenever you can, drink enough water and accept that you look tired" (and that's not necessarily a bad thing). ~Ana Lerario-Geller and daugther Luna

When you have a kid, at the end of the day, you want that little special feeling for yourself. The bed represents that for me." Meredith Kahn and daughter Grayson

"Because I started my own company, I said to myself, there are things I’m going to be able to do that I wasn’t able to do before, like picking up the kids at school and bringing them home. But I feel a tremendous amount of guilt." Jenne Lombardo and sons, Bowie and Valentine

Living Your Best Life!

Hello There Everyone! I took a hiatus from writing for a few months because managing my business, being a wife and mother to a 14 year old and 14 month old was beginning to take its toll on me. I needed some serious down time; time to reflect; time to think; time to just be.  During that time I made a lot of decisions; one being the transformation of content on Today’s Modern Family. While a small part of the content will be focused on the struggles that modern famillies face, a large part will be geared toward looking at the brighter side of things. We’re going to talk more about self-care, good food, style, general parenting, home decor, love and topics that focus on living your best life.

While I was in church this past Sunday, my pastor said something that really hit home. He said that too many of us are spending the majority of our time fighting SOMEONE instead of fighting for SOMETHING. We get way to involved in the mess instead of enjoying the little miracles that we are blessed with every single day. And we spend way too much time trying to change to people who constantly deplete us emotionally, mentally and physically instead of the ones who add to our lives.  Yes we have to acknowledge and sometimes address certain issues in our lives, but it doesn’t mean we have spend the majority of our time focused on them. Living your best life doesn’t mean constantly dwelling on your problems; it actually means living your best life and that’s what we plan to continually emphasize here on Today’s Modern Family.

Happy Living,

~Kela

Six Things in the Remarried Co-Parent’s Survival Toolbox

Co-Parenting Plan

The first thing the remarried co-parent should have is a detailed, mutually agreed upon, co-parenting plan. He or she should have one within their household and with their former spouse. Remarried couples and divorced co-parents need to stop making it up as they go along and talk about it, prior to divorce or remarriage. Talk about how to handle discipline, visitation, phone calls, birthday parties, etc. because when you are suddenly confronted with these decisions and emotions are high, those emotions usually dictate your decision making. As such, you end up making a decision based on how you feel instead of what’s best for everyone.

Family Mission Statement

 Arm yourself with a good family mission statement, which all the members of your household are active participants in creating. Remember that especially because this family wasn’t organically made, some effort will need to go into building and maintaining it. Talk about how you want to connect as a family and make every member feel included in this process.

Stepfamily Coach

 Be sure to have a good stepfamily coach/counselor on speed dial as it’s not always helpful to listen to those well-meaning family members and friends. Talking to someone who is experienced and knowledgeable on the issues that you will undoubtedly face will be helpful as you navigate through your remarried co-parenting journey.

Drama Free Date Night

Drama free date night, at least once per month, is a must! Stay connected to your spouse; remember that he or she is your biggest support system.

No Judgment Zone Problem/Solution Box

 No judgment zone problem/solution box is a simple box that is placed in your house for everyone, including the children, to freely drop their concerns in to be addressed. Overall, everyone in the stepfamily just wants to be appreciated and respected and heard! One of the biggest problems that I have discovered with stepfamilies is that they don’t communicate, unless they are fighting about an issue. The stepmom does what she thinks is expected of her. The divorced dad is often the man caught in the middle as he tries to please both women (ex-wife and wife), and the kids feel like they have absolutely no say in what’s happening. Stepmoms don’t hold it in; voice your concerns. Divorced dads, tell your wives how you feel. Kids, we know this isn’t easy for you and we want you to know that we acknowledge how you feel. A problem/solution box gives everyone a voice and shows that you are working to find a solution that mostly works for everyone. More importantly, it allows the children to feel a part of the unit instead of feeling caught in the middle. It also shows them that the success of the family is also dependent upon their active participation.

Realistic Expectations

It is important to have realistic expectations when entering into a stepfamily. Remember, that stepfamilies do not and cannot operate as first families do and it will take time and a conscious effort to build and maintain your modern family. Relationships take time and effort to build, but not force. Establishing realistics expectations in the beginning will minimize hurt feelings and chaos.

Next Page »