Divorce After 50 is On the Rise

January 19, 2010 By 10 Comments

couplebedfightAARP (American Association of Retired Persons) conducted a study regarding divorce after the age of 50. Elizabeth Enright wrote an article delving into this study which was featured in AARP magazine for July/August of 2004. She writes “Divorce over 50 is on the rise. Women do the walking. Men don’t see it coming.”

Many individuals stay in a marriage for the children. They wait until the kids are grown then they make their move. Elizabeth Enright states that women often recognize the danger signs of a problem marriage earlier than men do. She goes on to say that one is more likely to leave a marriage earlier in proceeding marriages if they have been through a divorce before. In the AARP study 66 percent of women initiated the divorce after the age of 50 as opposed to 44 percent of men. This study also found that the men stayed in an unhappy marriage for the kids and the women stayed because of financial worry.

58 percent of men stayed for the kids whereas only 37 percent of women stayed for the kids. This isn’t a knock on the women by any means. These numbers reveal a very hard unwritten truth among men: “Why do men worry more about the children than women do? Because women take for granted that they’ll stay close to the kids. Most experts agree that men of all ages have more to lose in a divorce, especially when it comes to children. According to our survey, 42 percent of the men said that their worst fears after the divorce involved their children, with most of these men worrying they’d lose contact with their kids. In comparison, only 15 percent of women had these fears. “For men, it’s a well-founded fear,” says Vetrano, who lectures on elder divorce law nationally. “Men lose their children a lot.”
All of this brings up an interesting perspective that, at 34 with three kids under the age of 18, I hadn’t thought of prior to reading this article. I am fascinated by these statistics and would love to know how you, our readers, feel about this topic. What are your feelings on this personally? Do you have first hand experience (man or woman) with a divorce after the age of 50? Did you stay just for you kids? If so or if not, then why? Please share your views as we would love to expound on this growing epidemic as proven from the article above. To view this article in its entirety CLICK HERE.

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Teach Your Children to be Independent Not Co-Dependent

January 6, 2010 By 2 Comments

“Foster independence among your children. Encourage them to cook,
clean, and contribute.” — Brian Tracy

momgirldishwashingParenting is never easy. If it were then every single person in this world would be a parent. There is no owner’s manual (unfortunately) to parenting so we often learn as we go – and that’s alright! No one is perfect and our kids should see that as well.

The quote above was so good I just had to share. Some think that the more “things” we give our kids and the more we let them have their way and the more we do things for them the better they’ll be to take on the world. But we are actually hindering their development by doing so. Lessons are always learned on the other side of a mistake. Some mistakes are worse than others but all teach a lesson. If we never let our children learn things on their own then the only thing they will know is how to be co-dependent.

Now we all want better for our children than we had it. We strive to make a better life for them and give them the things we never had. There is nothing wrong with wanting more for ourselves and our families. We just need to be careful how much importance we place on the ideology of having more things means you’re successful in life. Things are an outward way of showing success or insecurity. Some feel that they have to “keep up with the Jones’” to feel important and in doing just that they go into more debt just to put on a show. That’s not what we want to teach our children.

By having your children cook, clean, and contribute as the author of the quote above states, you are encouraging a good work ethic and also diminishing the sense of entitlement a lot of children seem to have these days. Everyone has to work for something. Whether it is a new car, a new pair of shoes, or even getting your home repaired. Children should require no less. They should know how it feels to accomplish a goal and THEN receive the reward. Not getting the reward for just being a kid (Sometimes that’s good too though – in moderation).

Having chores or having your children participate in making dinner is a great way to integrate good morals in your kids. Eating together is another way to form bonds as a family. Letting your kids have a voice is great and that encourages self esteem and self worth in your children. There is a difference in letting your kids have a voice and respecting that and letting them get their way – YOU are still the parent.

Obviously there are child labor laws for a reason so don’t take this and run with it – but there are many positive aspects in having your children become contributing members of your household. If your kids are small then let them help unload the dishwasher or let them add ingredients while baking. If your kids are tweens, let them begin to watch younger siblings in small increments of time or give them a specific part of the house that they are in charge of keeping clean. If your kids are teenagers or older, have them mow the grass or shovel the driveway in the winter, and a part-time job is also a great way to prepare them and give them a taste of the real world.

Parenting is trial and error. We all hope that the trials outweigh the errors, but like I said no one is perfect. Try and keep balance in your home between work, family time, school, and social events. The more your kids feel a part of something the better your family will run.

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Out with the Old and In with the New – YOU!

December 30, 2009 By Leave a Comment

womanbluesky2009 has seen its better days-or not! Thank goodness we can look forward to 2010, a clean slate, a new beginning, and a new you.

It sounds cliché but the start of a new year truly is a new start. There are millions of New Year’s resolutions being made as we speak. Unfortunately, 95% of those will not make it to June or will not be followed through upon. How can we make this year different? How can we keep our resolutions and help our lives as well as improve our families?

There is a wonderful article written by Lesley Alderman for the January 2010 issue of REAL SIMPLE magazine titled “Nine Secrets of Motivated People.” Here are her nine points for a better you for 2010 as well as my own interpretations of her list:

1. When you make a plan, anticipate bumps. Peter Gollwitzer, professor of psychology at New York University says that people who plan for obstacles are more likely to stick with projects than those who don’t. When you are aware of all of the “what if’s” of a project then you can come up with ways to work through them should they occur. This way you have a plan to stay on task.

2. Channel that little engine that could – really. A person’s drive is often based on what she believes about her abilities, not on how objectively talented she is according to research by Albert Bandura, a professor of psychology at Stanford. You must first believe in yourself before anyone else will believe in you. Push yourself and love the person you are.

3. Don’t let your goals run wild. This means that you should set expectations and goals for yourself in order to achieve what you set out to do in life. At the same time keep them in perspective. If you have 100 pounds to lose don’t expect to lose all 100 in a month or even two. Set mini goals for yourself and make sure to reward yourself when you attain that next step.

4. Go public with it. Don’t keep your goals or resolutions to yourself. Tell a close friend or family member so you have a support system. Things go much smoother and much easier when you have support and some accountability to what you want to achieve.

5. Lean on a support crew when you’re struggling. Enlist people in your life who you feel want you to succeed and will keep you motivated. Choose people who may have seen you fail in the past and who know how much success means to you, says Edward L. Deci, professor of psychology at University of Rochester.

6. Make yourself a priority. Lesley Alderman states that you will derail your progress if you sacrifice yourself for others in order to please them. Only you can take care of you and only you know what you need. That’s a lot of you’s and it may feel selfish but we must take care of ourselves before we are capable of taking care of anyone else.

7. Challenge yourself and change things up. This especially applies to anyone trying to lose weight or striving for a healthy lifestyle. Doing the same exercise routine can become monotonous or eating the same thing for lunch everyday becomes so boring. As time goes on you will eventually get frustrated and throw that salad or treadmill out the window. Do yourself a favor and research fun ways to exercise and look up new recipes online to spice things up. This way you’re always learning and that helps build new excitement around your new life.

8. Keep on learning. To refuel your efforts, focus on enjoying the process of getting to the goal, rather than just eyeing the finish line, says Lesley Alderman. Take pride in researching or going back to school to reach a new career goal. Take classes or go to events for the things you are passionate about just for fun. You will enjoy learning about things you love even if it isn’t about making a career out of it. It’s all about expanding your mind and your life and learning something new never gets dull.

9. Remember the deeper meaning. Edward L. Deci says it best when he says “You’re more likely to realize a goal when it has true personal significance to you” Enough said.

The more information and support you are armed with the better equipped you are to face the world and also stay true to who you are.

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Mother or Monster-in-law

December 20, 2009 By 3 Comments

motherinlawAhhhh, yes, the Mother-In-Law. To some this title brings up a negative connotation. To others it brings up very positive feelings. Unlike your own parents, who you are stuck with whether you like them or not, you sort of have a choice, per say, when it comes to your Mother-In-Law.

Overbearing, nosy, controlling, set in her ways, rude, etc. are just some words I have heard many describe their Mother-In-Laws. Unfortunately, people have a very hard time accepting their spouses’ mother into their family and vice versa. You think when you find “the one” and get married that it is all happy times from there on out. It should be but there are so many factors that go into a marriage and into getting along with your Mother-In-Law.

We all choose our partners, so in a way we are choosing their families as well. There are parts of us (good or bad) that do reflect the people who raised us. As the choosing partner we have the choice to accept or decline the relationship based on many factors – one being how our potential partner interacts with their own family and what type of relationship they have with them. My mother always used to say to me that you can tell a lot about a man from how he treats his mother. This was a very useful tool throughout my dating years and I even escaped a few bums because of it.

I happen to be one of the lucky ones. I actually not only LIKE my Mother-In-Law but I truly love her. It has now been 11 years that I have been around, and 6 years that I’ve been married to her son. Our families are completely different and my husband and I were raised completely different as well. Yet, I am very close to my Mother-In-Law and I’ve learned a lot from her. Do I agree with her all the time? No. And she doesn’t always agree with me, but we still love each other.

There are some FACTS that you will always have to contend with in regards to your Mother-In-Law and they are as follows:
• She will always be the mother of your spouse
• She isn’t going anywhere
• If you have children she will always be their grandmother with rights
• She is your elder and should be treated in that manner

Some FACTS that your Mother-In-Law needs to know about you and your family:
• Her child married YOU and YOU are now in charge of your home and your children.
• There are boundaries that need to be set as in any relationship.
• You don’t have to disclose every single teeny tiny thing with her no matter how much she believes she is entitled.

There are many relationships between spouses and their In-Laws which are strained. The most important virtue to try and instill is mutual respect. You don’t always have to like what your Mother-In-Law does and she doesn’t have to like what you do or how you raise your children. BUT, you do have to agree to disagree and give one another mutual respect. Of course all situations are completely unique, and mutual respect only goes so far. If one or both parties feel that their families are in jeopardy due to negative feelings or negative actions from either party then professional help should be sought.

In most cases stepping back and analyzing why we feel a certain way and getting our words and thoughts together THEN having an adult discussion with that person usually helps to dissipate negativity and clear the air. It also assists in setting those boundaries which are so very important within your family.

Just remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

The mother-in-law in the modern family can be especially difficult to deal with for a variety of reasons.  Do you feel she likes the ex more than you? Does she come to your house bearing gifts for her biological grandchildren and not her step grandchildren? These are just some of the complaints that many voice.  What about you, BFSO readers? How well do you get along with your mother or monster-in-law? Drop a comment in the comment section.

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Recession proof your marriage

September 29, 2009 By 1 Comment

moneyhouseAs we all know money/financial strain is one of the chief reasons for divorce. We also know that the statistic for divorce of first marriages is 50% BUT the statistic for divorce of second marriages is a whopping 70%! So throwing the money card into a second marriage could be a recipe for disaster – unless you are aware of what is happening.

Our country is experiencing a recession whether they want to formally label it that or not. Families are struggling everyday to save their homes, their jobs, and their sanity. When you are married you feel you are “in this together” or “till death do us part” right? Yes, it should be that way but there are days when we all have hit that wall and just don’t know where to go from there.

It is tough because money issues aren’t something that can just go away overnight. Especially now that we find ourselves in the same circumstance as many people these days – we aren’t alone but it sure can feel that way. You have to be on the same page when it comes to finances with your spouse and sometimes that is way easier said than done. Putting a plan into action regarding how to save your home quickly or how to pay for your child’s lunch when one or both of you may have lost your job is extremely stressful on everyone in the family.

It is a fact that we are all different people. With that come different ideals, morals, values, and visions. Prior to marriage we all had a certain way we managed our own finances and for most of us we got comfortable with it and it worked for us. Hopefully you have found that person who balances you out or who has similar thoughts, actions, and financial management skills as you do. If not, it is all about compromise. That’s what everyone tells us anyway. It is hard in the beginning because we are set in our ways. Sometimes we can see the other person’s side and it may become a much needed change. In other situations you both may be so similar and neither one of you has any money management genes in your make up. Either way, in this time in history, we all have to be conscious of how we utilize our hard earned money and be conscious of how our spouses feel about money too.

Here are just a few ways to “Recession Proof your marriage”:

• Keep an open line of communication going about finances. This is not a fun conversation to have but the more you talk about it the more you can work together to fix something before a problem arises. That way it doesn’t seem as if the bulk of the financial strain lies within one of you – it affects BOTH of you so you BOTH need to talk about it!

• Honesty IS the best policy. We’ve all done it – hide a pair of new shoes in the trunk of our car waiting until the right time to run them into our closet before we’re spotted. This was a hard one for me but I had to stop doing that. It wasn’t helping our finances if I was sabotaging all of our hard work we put into getting a budget together as a married couple. By not telling the “whole truth” about how much those shoes really were or about even buying the shoes then we aren’t fully into doing what is best for the family as a whole. (Side note: my husband now knows I have a shoe addiction and we working on my issues – instead of buying 4 pairs at a time maybe 2 would be alright or God forbid – only one pair! Baby steps!)

• Online Banking and Online Bank Statements. This is usually a feature that your bank offers for free. If so please take it. This is one of the best things you can do to manage your money. Your account is available to you 24/7 and if you have an issue you can find it there in front of you in black and white. They even have an option to export your data into a spreadsheet. This way it makes it easier to discuss your finances in an intelligent way. Online bill pay is another great way to really stay on top of what is coming in and going out.

• Work Together. You don’t necessarily have to have all of your money in one account. Finances are a very sticky and personal topic for people – especially married couples. It varies from couple to couple. You just need to know what your family needs and where you are going to get the money to cover the need. Again, be honest and know that the more you work together the harder it will be to have anything outside work against you. Two heads are ALWAYS better than one.

• Remember the Golden Rule. We are all going to argue. That is normal. As a matter of fact if you don’t argue there may be an issue. Money brings out the best and worst in people and that means your spouse as well. By doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, you are letting your spouse know that financial strain is just another test of your marriage and of your will. Try and keep a level head when discussing finances as this discussion has a tendency to get out of control very quickly. If you can remember that you want to be treated and respected in a certain manner then you can bet your spouse is feeling the very same way.

• Take two steps back to take one step forward. No one wants to hear this but with the times we are living in any step forward is a feat. Maybe you don’t need the 300 channel cable package and the 100 channel package saving you $50 a month will do. Maybe you don’t need 12,000 minutes on your cell phone family plan and the 3000 minute package and talking after 7pm and on weekends saving you $100 a month will do. These are just two small examples of compromises you can make. I’m not saying just “get rid” of cable or your cell phone – I’m saying there are always ways to cut back. Sometimes cutting back now will put you in a better position later.

Communication, budgeting, and listening skills are huge components in getting through a recession with your marriage AND your sanity intact – we’re ALL in this together!

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I’m a WIFE

September 5, 2009 By 6 Comments

After reviewing our interview with Dr. Wednesday Martin I realized how tired I get of having to re-live my past over and over again. Of course the best thing I’ve ever done in my life has been having my oldest daughter who came out of my past. I don’t regret anything I went through because I have her. But living in a blended family can have its breaking points.

I am obviously divorced for a reason and I have moved on to have a very healthy happy marriage with my husband. Yes I am a part of a blended family but that doesn’t mean I have to live in my past. Writing for the Blended Family Soap opera has been a very cathartic experience for me and one which I enjoy so very much. As a matter of fact, it has blessed my life in more ways than I could imagine. When I write about issues I have within my own blended family they are geared toward my ex-husband; the issues we had to bring us to our divorce and the issues we currently face trying to raise our daughter.

The more I read and wrote the more upset I was getting because I kept having to live those past experiences and go through all of that again. It has helped me to overcome some issues and has helped me to help others – BUT I don’t want/have to live there.

I am a wife to a wonderful man and a mother to 3 amazing daughters now. I was blessed to meet my husband and have 2 more children with such an amazing man. This is my focus in my life now; my husband and my girls. Yes, living in a blended family means that we all co-parent together and try and be on the same page. At the same time, however, I don’t live over at my ex-husband’s house and he doesn’t live at mine. There has to be some space there. As much as I loved his family and my ex-mother- in-law who passed away – all of that is my past. It is HIS job to make sure my daughter has all of that now from his side, and of course his wife’s job as well because that is their family- not mine any longer.

I can’t nurture my own marriage and raise my girls as someone’s ex wife. And using the term current wife/husband just sounds like I’m some stop along the way for my husband or him for me. Titles, titles, titles! I know they have their place, but sometimes they can do more harm than good.
Was I previously married and did I have a child with that man? – Yes, we were married for a tad over a year and together for 5. I just feel that my life now is worth writing about as well.

I live in a blended family and my husband has been a part of my oldest daughter’s life for over 10.5 years now.  My husband is also a great father to our 2 biological girls and a great father figure to my oldest daughter.  He gets the everyday duties with her, like homework, making her clean her room, making sure she’s eaten, and picks her up from volleyball practice. Though my oldest daughter has her biological father in her life, it is nice to have a male role model to live with day in and day out. This is my life now. It all works, we all work, and we are blessed for that.

So I’m taking all of my titles and throwing them out the window because in order to make my blended family work I need to live in the present – not the past!

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Saying “I Love You”

July 14, 2009 By 2 Comments

couplelovesmallThe three words “I love you” can be the easiest words to speak for some and the most difficult for others. These words are thrown around so easily at times and not enough in some situations. I’m a “glass is half full” type of person (some may even say unrealistic) so I believe that most things (if not all) can be solved or on the way to being solved with love. With that being said, it’s easier said than done, of course.

Growing up, my mom and dad, even though they were divorced, never got off the phone with me, or put me to bed, or went to the grocery store without telling me they loved me. In turn I do the exact same (maybe to the point of embarrassment) with my daughters. Actions speak louder than words and I believe that. But there is nothing like hearing someone tell you that they love you and truly mean it. This means that someone is there for you, in some cases will give up their own life for you. They will take care and be there for you no matter what, and always take responsibility when they are wrong. That’s love.

From another perspective, my husband didn’t grow up in a lovey dovey everyone hugging everyone all the time type of home. The words “I love you” weren’t spoken but they were known. He and I talk about this quite often because in the beginning of our relationship I felt that I HAD to hear him tell me he loved me in order to be validated. He did love me and the more I felt I wasn’t hearing it enough, the more frustrated HE became because he was doing the very best he could. We were just raised differently and neither one of us were right or wrong. In his home actions truly speak louder than words; that is what they lived by and I love my mother and father-in-law for that. My sister-in-law sent me a text message today saying “Love is action. It speaks louder than words. A person would know even before you told them.” It really made me think.

My husband and I work because we balance each other. I have learned from him and he from me. I am secure and now know that my need to be “validated” constantly was a false sense of security for myself that I had to grow out of. Looking back there were several times those three little words were spoken to me with meaningless nonsense behind it – but it was said so I thought it was real.

My husband shows me he loves me in many ways that I recognize now that I wasn’t aware of when we were dating. He took his gestures as letting me know he loved me but I just took them as things he was doing. Now I know the love behind them and I appreciate the gestures AND him much much more.

I still tell him “I love you” everyday and every time we get off the phone. He says it back and will sometimes tell me first. This is many years in the making and makes me feel really good when I hear it even though I already know he loves me.

These three words carry over into my friendships as well. I do tell my close girlfriends that I love them because I do. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be a complete person. They have helped me so much in my life, and I want them to know that I truly care and am grateful for them. That’s just me and how I was raised and that’s how I express my feelings. Life is just so short and over the past few weeks the realization that we as humans really are not invincible has truly become clear. So no matter how you do it, let the people you love know it – through your gestures or by simply saying “I love you”.

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Saturday, June 27th is National HIV/Aids Testing Day

June 27, 2009 By Leave a Comment

aidsrallytn1June is National HIV/Aids Awareness month. Saturday, June 27th is National HIV/Aids Testing Day. This disease is still spreading rampantly. It has not “gone away”! It hasn’t been at the forefront of the media as in the past so some people think that this isn’t a problem anymore. That is pure ignorance. It is a huge epidemic and one that is ENTIRELY PREVENTABLE!!! With education and support this is a disease that can be controlled and not spread but it takes hard work to get the word out and to get people the education they need to protect themselves and the ones they love.

This starts at home. Many of the lessons we teach our children begin at home and this should be a main priority on your list. HIV/Aids does not discriminate. It is not just a gay man’s disease, it is not for “dirty” people or druggies, it is not something from third world countries. It happens to ALL kinds of people and it continues to grow at a rapid rate daily.

I happen to have an extremely open mind when it comes to many things in my home. My children are NOT allowed to use the word retarded , use any kind of gay or racial slurs, or make derogatory remarks regarding someone’s religion or culture. Everyone is equal in our home. Period. The world is made up of all kinds of people and to deny that is absurd. I also talk to my children openly and honestly about sex, HIV/Aids, and racial issues. As a parent these are hard conversations to have but are necessary ones. The “sex talk” and the HIV/Aids go hand in hand because it is a reality we live with every day. We have to teach our children to protect themselves through abstinence or safe sex – whatever works in your home discuss it.

Last night I attended a documentary screening called “Let Us Not Forget” and it dealt with people here in Indiana who are living everyday HIV positive. There were all genders, races, and cultures represented. There were mothers and fathers, brothers, sisters, and children infected with this disease. They have lost family, friends, and support all around them. They have been the outcasts at every event or disregarded in their own towns and homes. Some even contracted this disease prior to anyone really understanding what it truly is and had no support at all in the medical field as well with the rest of the population of the world.

Prevention is KEY! Saturday, June 27th around the country there will be hundreds of sites conducting FREE HIV/Aids screenings. I know it’s scary. Some people think that since there is no real “cure” yet then why even find out your status? YOU MUST. It can be controlled and you can live a normal life being HIV positive. But you have to take that first step and get tested. It’s painless and it doesn’t take much time out of your day. And it won’t take money out of your pocket.

aidstesting

I am proud to know my status. I will even go with someone to get tested if they need a friend or need a ride or I will try and find you one in your city. It is that important! Do it for yourself and the ones you love and for the ones who love you! Ignorance is NOT bliss!

BFSO is a proud supporter of National HIV/Aids Testing Day and encourages all of its readers to GO GET TESTED! For a full list of FREE HIV/Aids Testing Sites here in Indianapolis, Indiana go to www.aestheticdesignstyle.com .

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Dads and Daughters – The Greatest Love Story

June 1, 2009 By 2 Comments

“The latest statistics claim roughly 60% of marriages end in divorce. Second or third marriages have only about 20% of couples remaining happily married. A full eighty percent of repeat marriages end in divorce. Over one million children watch their parents divorce each year, and half of the babies born this year will suffer through the divorce of their parents before they turn 18. While divorce is often necessary, there is no denying rising divorce rates signal societal issues.” According to http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_M._Robbins

There it is cut and dry. A divorce happens, you figure out which parent should have the children, then you work out what the visitation schedule means for each parent’s place of employment, you breeze over “rules” for each household to make sure you are at least in the ballpark with discipline, and then you go on with your lives. When you were married, two became one and now one is turning back into two – but this time there may be 3 or 4 to think about if you brought children into the equation.

fatherdcomputerI am the product of divorce along with much of the population of our world these days. My mother had custody of me and I saw my dad every other weekend for the first few years after the divorce. Then my mom got a job in one state and my dad got a job in another – my every other weekends became once a month if we were lucky. My mother IS MY ROCK!! Could not live in this world without her and I don’t even want to think about trying to. I love her so much and know how much she struggled trying to raise me on her own with not a whole lot of money coming in from the other side. (McDonald’s used to be our big splurge with the spare change she had saved up for a month.)

My dad lived in a big city, in a really cool apartment (well, I thought it was), and we would always shop. Now I’ve said this before my mother HATES to shop so I thought she just never wanted to take me shopping – not realizing that money really doesn’t grow on trees – as much as I had hoped it did. We always ate out when I was with him and, yes, it was the “fun” house. I was still young enough not to realize that my mom may have really wanted to do all of those things with me but just couldn’t.

As I grew up I began to realize that the relationship I have with my mom is completely different than the one I have with my dad – neither is right or wrong – just different. BUT I NEEDED BOTH. Even though they didn’t live in the same household – let alone the same state – they both helped me form the woman I am today.

Now that I have three girls the relationship I see them developing with their father is something I am in awe of from the outside looking in. Yes, I am with them the majority of the time but when my oldest goes to her dad’s house or my youngest two are sitting by the door waiting for their dad to get home from work; I realize there are just some things that cannot duplicate what a father does for his daughter.

fddogs

Your father (good or bad) forms a woman’s very first impression of the opposite sex. He is our first true love. He is the one we yearn to impress and make proud (whether we want to admit it or not). He gives or takes away a young woman’s self esteem. He molds us from a young age. Being physically present or absent has a HUGE impact on the way a woman lives her life. Consciously or unconsciously women do find men who have similar traits to their fathers. It’s weird. I didn’t think I did that but looking back now, my ex-husband AND my current husband BOTH have things about them that remind me of my dad. Did I think of it at the time – no – but now I see it. Don’t get me wrong I love my daddy but he and I have had our ups and downs over the years as well. Even during those times there are things I have learned from him (good and bad) that my mother couldn’t have taught me. Not her fault – she’s just not a man.

fatherdaughterwedding

I hear many women talk about not being able to have successful relationships with men in their adult years due to the relationship they have with their dads – or lack there of. This is a very viable argument. Girls need their fathers if they live in the same home or not. Maybe it is a father “figure” but all girls need a positive role model of the male species to show them how to be loved and how to love themselves and how to retain their own self worth. Of course our mothers do that from day one of our lives. But the impact it has coming from a father is on another level.

So for everyone reading this please be conscious of the relationships you form and help form for your children. Kids are so much more intelligent than we give them credit for sometimes. Don’t keep your children or daughters from their fathers for petty or personal reasons (unless your child is in danger in their care of course). The relationship you have with your ex has NOTHING to do with the relationship your children have with them. They are completely separate and should be respected. Young women need their fathers or their father figures in their lives in order for them to become that whole person. It has taken me years to realize this by the way. Five years ago this post would have looked much different. I’m glad I have delved deep within me to find the person I am and that is because of my beautiful mother AND father.

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The Great Mother’s Day Debate

May 3, 2009 By 2 Comments

I’m sure this debate has been going on century after century but it has been brought up again this year. Should husbands get their wives Mother’s Day presents?  To me, that’s a no brainer – uh, yes!  Combine 36 hours of labor, three daughters, and too many to count stretch marks later I think I deserve at least a card.  But, here’s where the debate comes in.  I’m not my husband’s mother so it is Mother’s Day right?  He should be giving presents to his mom and not me right?  I have heard this argument from both sides. As I have found, even some mothers (of boys!!!) think that of course their sons need to spend Mother’s Day with their own mothers.  Of course this does vary by age and marital status. Some wives would be irate that their husbands would neglect them to spend the day with their mother.  Mothers want to spend the day with their children since they wouldn’t have a special day if it weren’t for them!!  Whew! It wears me out thinking about it. Then you throw in step-mothers, grandmothers, Aunts and then you really have a debacle!  Here are some tips on how to handle what should be a very nice day for ALL mothers:

1. Guys, no your wife is NOT your mother BUT a card or a nice note to acknowledge that she is the mother of your kids would be appreciated. Have a celebration in the morning with the whole family with a nice breakfast.
2. After you celebrate your wife as the mother of your kids and your kids have had a chance to honor her as well, then get dressed and go to each other’s respective mothers homes. If distance is a factor, make sure you call in the morning and let your kids talk to grandma too. Mothers and grandmothers like to know you are thinking of them on this day especially if you aren’t in the same town or state. Picking up the phone first thing will really make them happy and that way they know they are still on the top of your list.
3. Calling all mothers . . . if your child has a step-mother no matter what your relationship is with her please make sure your child calls or sees her this day as well!! It is not a threat to you to have your child have a good and loving relationship with their step-mother. In fact you should want to encourage that as your child is in her care when they visit your ex! Just a little inside tip!
4. Spend the afternoon or evening with your mothers who are in town. You can have a cookout or just a slice of cake. But this way the entire family gets to be with mom and grandma. And if you are really adventureous, invite your child’s step-mom too. If your child is close with both sides of their family why make them choose? You all can come together for an afternoon of food, celebration, and fun. You wouldn’t even have to have a big formal thing.  Just invite your ex and his wife over for a little while so your kids can enjoy everyone at once.  Now I know that won’t work in every family and some of you are saying “is she nuts?” BUT if you can stand it for just a little while it is beneficial for your kids.

So, this Mother’s Day let’s not sit around and debate. Just jump in and celebrate whatever way makes you and your family happy!!!!

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