Three Generations of Successful Blended Families

Having and being brought up myself in my own blended family has made me realize that the only reason my family is successful is because of my parents and grandparents.

Growing up I never had a clue I was part of a blended family. While my parents were married until I was six years old, both sets of my grandparents were divorced and remarried. There was not a distinction between my grandparents I was born to or my “step grandparents” – they were just Grandma Martha and Grandpa Bud.

Looking back now I see that my parents unconsciously set me up for success to lead my daughters and to have a beneficial relationship with my husband. Though my parents ended up divorced as did I with my first marriage, the second time around has proven to be a charm. I feel better equipped from my past experiences and with what I learned from watching my parents and grandparents interact with each other or resolve conflicts between each other. I have also learned from their mistakes or downfalls and have tried not to repeat them in my own family or relationships.

My mother never spoke badly of my father or vice versa. If there was something I had an issue with between either parent, I figured it out for myself. One didn’t influence my opinion of the other. I formed my own opinions from my own experiences with each of my parents. I feel that’s how it should be. Unfortunately it’s not that way in most blended families. Putting your children in the middle of your own differences with your ex is not only detrimental to that relationship but detrimental to the relationship you have or will have with your children. Kids are very perceptive and we don’t give them enough credit sometimes. If there is an issue of one parent not doing what they say they will or not showing up for things, don’t dwell on it for your kids. It hurts, it hurts you to watch your children go through that AND it hurts your kids to be the ones going through it. The only thing you can do is be strong, be positive, be encouraging, and move on – for your kids. They will come to their own conclusions later or not. You don’t have to say a word about the other parent.

My father’s mother and step-father both lived in the same town as my father’s dad and step-mother. They didn’t “hang out” all the time but I would say they were all friends. Sometimes you just realize that you don’t HATE your ex; it’s just that you were not fit for each other. Seeing who my grandparents ended up marrying and who my own parents ended up marrying I see they finally found their soul mates; even if it was the second time around. When my dad’s step-father (he always called him dad) passed away, my dad’s real father and step-mother were there for my grandma to help and do whatever she needed. In return when my dad’s real father passed away, my dad’s mom was there to help my grandmother with whatever she needed or just be there to support her. Things weren’t always perfect over the years but for the most part my four grandparents on my father’s side always came together for what was best for our family – period.

Same on my mother’s side. My maternal grandmother and grandfather both married wonderful people who balanced them out and were a much better fit then they were for each other.

I feel pretty lucky to have grown up in a “blended” family. People used to call it a “broken” home or family, but I truly now know from the bottom of my heart that we weren’t broken – just in need of a little tweaking!

Date Night – Revised

My husband and I have three beautiful daughters whom we love with all of our hearts. They are 11, 4, and 2. We also love each other very much as well. Sometimes we leave our relationship out of the equation because the duties of everyday life call and we put ourselves last. Which, as parents, that’s what we signed up for. We have come up with ways to still have “date night” with each other but we don’t have to spend a lot or even leave the house sometimes.

We also had to re-visit what “date night” meant to us. It now takes on a different connotation since we have daughters. We used to go out to dinner and a movie or to concerts or just be out. Now, we don’t get babysitters that often and when we do it is usually for something big like our anniversary or something. We have to “save” our babysitting nights like gold these days.

In the meantime we’ve come up with a few ideas on how to still be with each other AND be at home with our kids.

• Movie night – after the girls go to bed, we get to watch a grown-up movie. We also hide our favorite ice cream and eat it together. Sounds mean, but you need to have something just for the two of you.
• Candlelight dinner – we get the girls dinner out – some place they like to eat like McDonald’s or Wendy’s or something. Then after everyone’s asleep we will enjoy a late night dinner together just the two of us. As you see most things have to happen once bed time has been established. That’s why having a bed time for your children is not only healthy for them, but it is imperative for you as a couple as well!
• Sports Sunday – this is a nap time event. I love sports as much as my husband so Sunday’s are our day to watch them together. Once everyone is down for a nap or cleaning their rooms, we just sit on the couch together and watch a good game of football or basketball. We can be together and talk without interruption and that is our time.
• Lunch time rendezvous – Yes, sometimes my husband and I even make a point to spend our lunch hours together. If we can come home on our lunch then that is a plus. If not, we try and meet each other out for lunch. The kids are taken care of at daycare or at school and no extra money comes out of our pocket AND we can catch up with each other and spend quality time together. Even an hour is important to have alone to share things in your marriage. Showing your children how important your own marriage is will allow them an example of how they should let their own significant other treat them in the future.

• Date for everyone – many times we include our entire family. You have to carve out special time with your family as well. You can’t let the everyday chores, school, homework, soccer, etc. get in the way of family time. We sit down every night together for dinner. Every meal for that matter because it is important we know what is going on with our girls. At dinner we talk about everything that has happened that day or that week and we can re-connect with each other. We also allot time on the weekends to venture out and have one family activity that doesn’t cost a lot or is free that we all can do together. Those are our family date days.

These are just a few ways we keep our relationship up and running. You just need to think “outside the box” when it comes to getting your time in. Though it is a must. If you have a strong relationship with your spouse then that trickles down to a strong household. Make it fun! It shouldn’t be a chore to be with your spouse. Think of fun and innovative ways to squeeze it all in. It’s kind of a fun venture once you try it.

Postpartum Depression and the Blended Family

I know you are thinking “what does postpartum depression have to do with the blended family”?  A lot I have found out.  When I sat down to write, this subject weighed on me heavily and I wanted to explore it a bit more in hopes others may have a better understanding about this situation and realize that they are not alone in this.  Actually sharing this is hard for me but at the same time it helps to face it and writing about it helps me realize that I have come out of it with the support of my family. 

I was 21 when my oldest daughter was born and I never felt anything abnormal after having her.  I was 28 when I had my second daughter and things started spiraling out of control after that.  I had no idea what was happening and I didn’t know how to stop it.  I had gained so much weight with my pregnancy and that wasn’t helping things either.  I was depressed, tired, moody, and never wanted to do anything.  I never felt ill feelings toward my girls; it was more internal than anything.  I just didn’t want to leave the house and wanted to be with my kids and husband and that was it. 

I saw my doctor and she tried several different prescriptions for me and nothing really seemed to work that well.  I wasn’t losing the weight as fast as I had with my first daughter (7 years older didn’t help either) and my blood pressure was up, too.  It seemed like it was one thing after another. 

Looking back over four years I see how my own issues contributed to loss of relationships with friends, loss of projects in my professional life, and arguments that never should have happened, due to low self esteem and depression.  I also feel so guilty because I am not the same person I was with my first daughter as I am with my second daughter.  I feel like I was doing my little one a disservice by being depressed all the time.  I also feel like I haven’t left the house in four years.  Not until my third pregnancy did I realize that these feelings were not my fault.  Though it wasn’t my fault, it still affected every aspect of my life, including the whole family dynamic of my blended family. 

I had a different doctor with my third daughter and I told him how scared I was to be pregnant again because of all I went through with the depression with my second daughter.  He said that we would take care of that as soon as I gave birth and I didn’t need to worry.  He also said how glad he was that I told him so I could get the help I needed.  So, I had my third daughter and that day he gave me a small estrogen patch to help me get “back into balance”.  Catching this at the beginning was a life saving experience for me.  I followed up with free counseling at the hospital which was just wonderful.  I didn’t feel like an outcast or like I didn’t belong.  They truly helped me realize that women go through this every day, with every pregnancy and that IT WAS OKAY for me to have these feelings.  It is also okay to know that my mind and body would be back to normal, too. 

An Ex-Wife’s Perspective

Where do I begin, with how bad I feel for the women out there who have this family drama in their lives? As women, we need to stick together and build each other up or no one else will. Men are wonderful companions, but there is nothing like the true friendship of another woman. We understand where each other is coming from and our feelings come from a place of sincerity and love. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband but there are just some instances when my girlfriend can give me a better perspective on the situation.

In my case, my best friend is my daughter’s step-mother. Yes, that means my ex-husband’s wife! I have been blessed to have this woman in my life and in the life of my daughter. There comes a time in your life when you have to realize, as hard as it is, that it is not always about YOU. It is about your children. My ex-husband and I had been divorced for about 5 years before I got re-married and he did as well. He and I have had our differences (obviously because we are divorced), but in the end it all comes down to what is best for our daughter. I do have to say our choices of spouses fit us both much better and make each of our homes better for her.

The friendship I have with my daughter’s step-mother is unusual and we get plenty of questions and looks and confusion abounds. “How can you be friends with someone who is married to your ex?” is an obvious one. My answer is that it is easy to be her friend. She is such a wonderful person, who would want to miss out on an opportunity to have friendship and support in their lives just because of who they are married to? Another answer to that question is that I have no romantic or emotional feelings for my ex-husband. Most of the problems women have in these types of scenarios is that they are in some way still attached or want to be with their ex. Some will never admit it but it comes out one way or another. And, one way it does rear its ugly head is in the form of jealousy. That is why some women are unable to be friends or even have a civil conversation with the other woman involved, be it a girlfriend or second wife.

I remember trying to find a minister or pastor to marry my current husband and I. I belonged to a church but he didn’t and he didn’t agree with my pastor and so on. So I was on the hunt for someone to marry us. I had an appointment at this one church to speak with the pastor. Little did I know they had a policy that you had to have counseling before they would begin to speak with you about getting married—counseling for those who had been divorced that is. So, I sat and listened and answered all of the Pastor’s questions politely while thinking to myself the whole time, “what does this have to do with me getting married a second time?” At the end of the session he says to me “I believe from all you have told me that you are completely over your ex-husband. I would be happy to be a part of your ceremony this time around”. Again I was thinking what is going on? Of course I was over my ex-husband. I love my husband now more than ever. My point to this story is that sometimes it takes another perspective for you to realize the truth about yourself. Your truth may come to be different than mine. You may find you have unresolved feelings for your ex and that is why you feel bitterness, resentment, anger, etc. for him and for his new wife or girlfriend. Just food for thought.

At any rate, I truly don’t know what I would do without her in my life. The positives far outweigh the negatives (if any) in our friendship. How nice it is for me to never worry about my daughter when she is over at her dad’s? I know if she can’t be with me, that my best friend is there to take care of her. There was a time when my ex-husband wasn’t married and if he had my daughter for the weekend, I did not sleep—at all—until my baby came home Sunday night. Not only does my best friend love my daughter I share with my ex-husband but she loves all three of my girls. They both do! My two little ones go over to their house and play and they baby sit for my husband and I. Again, I trust them both with my most precious gifts—my girls. My girls love them too and they only see the positive side of our situation. They don’t yet understand divorce and that my oldest daughter has a different dad. They look at it as my oldest has two dads and two moms—how great is that?

Soccer games, parent/teacher conferences, school plays, graduations, etc. get crowded with all of us, but I believe that people who think we are strange, don’t understand how much we are helping our kids. On Father’s Day we have made it a tradition that we all spend it together so no one has to choose between anyone. My daughter loves and adores her father and my husband has never tried to take his place. She is one to not want to hurt anyone’s feelings and my husband has loved her like his own from day one. Mother’s Day, we split too. No one is threatened, no one is jealous because we all are secure and confident in ourselves, our children, and our situation. My husband and my ex-husband play basketball and X-box together, too.

On top of this, my best friend has three boys she bravely raised on her own before she met her husband. Her youngest son never knew his biological father and my ex-husband has raised him as his own and we respect him for stepping up to take that role seriously. I love all of her boys too. We share birthdays, holidays, school events, births, deaths, etc. all together. How can that ever be a bad or weird thing? The more support and love you have in your life the richer your life will be.

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