Reader’s Question…How do I fix my relationship with my ex-spouse?

Hello,

I have two challenges that I could use some help with….
I have been divorced since May ‘08. My ex is presently in Mexico getting remarried. They called tonight to leave a message for our 7 year old daughter. After her message, their phone line did not cut off and the machine taped several minutes of them bad mouthing me and making comparative and hurtful statements. (These were all perspectives on me, our relationship and the break-up that I had never heard before.) When we split, my ex had been more compassionate and insightful about our relationship and seemed to view it within a holistic context in which we each shared responsibility in both its success and “failure”. We are already relating poorly and now I really feel like I cannot trust him (them). How can we move out of this when our perspectives are so radically different?

The second challenge is in our child custody arrangement (and relates to the first challenge as well). My ex is an ER doc. He argued that he cannot commit to a regular schedule as his shifts are inconsistent. He also has never felt strongly about maintaining a relationship with our daughter- feeling like he couldn’t do it because of his work- and, that the adoption was my idea and he didn’t really want to do it. He couldn’t quite admit this in court so he did agree to average 10 days a month with her. When he is with her, he seems to enjoy his time and she enjoys being with him. What’s happened is that he gets looser and looser with following through. (Doesn’t let us know his schedule until the last minute, doesn’t follow through with his agreements, schedules trips without coordinating as agreed…) When confronted, he rebels. His words and actions don’t match. Out of frustration, I said I was ready to go back to court to establish a consistent schedule so that we would all know what to expect and could plan our lives. He reacted by stating he would argue for physical custody (which I now have) and would stop paying child support. So, its all or nothing. How can I work with this while maintaining some boundaries for our daughter and myself?

BTW, these entanglements are similar to ones I had hoped to divorce myself from in the marriage. I really thought that the divorce decree would provide more structure and I would have more autonomy. Ironically, I still feel controlled.

My Response:

Thanks for visiting BFSO!

First off, let me assure you that I can identify with how you feel as I have been where you are. I’m sorry that you are experiencing the same pain.

I can understand you being a little, well maybe even a lot, upset by the comments you overheard your ex and his new wife saying. It’s always hurtful to hear someone saying things that aren’t so nice about us. That being said, I’m an avid believer in truly accepting your reality. The reality is that even though you may not have heard these things before doesn’t mean that your ex never felt this way. It only means that he was ‘kind’ enough not to say it to your face. If you’re really honest with yourself, I’m certain that you’ve said some not so nice things about him, too. After all, you said that you two were already relating poorly, so don’t be too quick to blame this one phone call (that you weren’t even supposed to hear) on your inability to trust him at this point. That phone call has nothing to do with the child and if you have any chance at co-parenting effectively, you must learn to separate the two. I tell all of my divorced parents to be conscious of “I” versus “our child” statements. If all of the statements out of your mouth are…”I was hurt when you…,” “I didn’t like it when you…,” “It makes me sad when you…,” then how you’re feeling probably has more to do with you than with your child. Your perspective on how your relationship ended bears no relevance in how you move forward to raise your daughter. One has nothing to do with the other and you must adopt this mentality if you want a chance at co-parenting effectively in the future.

That being said, this next issue is definitely about your daughter. Children definitely benefit from consistent meaningful contact with both parents. I can certainly understand, however, his work schedule, as an ER doctor generally isn’t a 9 to 5 profession. What was your husband’s work schedule like before the divorce? Did he consistently spend quality time with your daughter when you were married? If not, it isn’t realistic to think that he would change when you divorce. I’m certainly not condoning his behavior. I’m simply trying to get you to accept your reality. When we truly accept our reality we know how to move forward. But if you have a false sense of reality, your expectations will likely far exceed what they should.

I was in your position at one point, too. My ex was and honestly, still is (from a physical and emotional standpoint), very inconsistent. He is an overseas basketball player and he too blames his actions on his work schedule. I used to fight, but now I just don’t anymore. The court order, fighting, or trying to civilly communicate hasn’t changed him and never will. I realized that he has to make that decision all on his own and hope that our son is here to receive him when and if that happens.

Sherri, there really is no easy answer to setting boundaries for you and your daughter. Yes, the divorce decree is SUPPOSED to provide more structure but that only happens when both parents mutually agree to put their child’s interest above their own. It simply doesn’t work, if you both aren’t on the same page. And, there is ALWAYS compromise involved when trying to get on the same page. You can’t expect him to meet you where you are and he can’t expect the same of you. You BOTH are going to have to make some concessions in order for you to communicate effectively enough to co-parent! Also, be advised that it hasn’t even been a year and it’s going to take some time to move past the hurt and to a peaceful existence. Often times, when we are stewing over hurt feelings we don’t focus on what’s right because we don’t want to. It’s a natural human reaction to being hurt and pissed off. Allow you both to have some time to move past it instead of assuming that you are automatically going to be the loving happy divorced parents who co-parent their child perfectly. Trust me, it takes time to get to that point, if you even arrive at that point at all. It’s all about accepting your reality.

So, my suggestion would be to try to COMMUNICATE with instead of CONFRONTING your ex-husband. When you confront someone it automatically puts them on the defensive. Remember, you’re not interested in being right or attacking him. Your main goal is to communicate, with an intent to understand, so that you can begin to co-parent your daughter in a manner that is most beneficial to her. You set the tone for how things are to going operate from this point on.

I hope I’ve helped, Sherri. Please feel free to shoot me an email at kela@blendedfamilysoapopera.com, or respond to this message, if you need clarification on any of my points.

Warmly,

*Kela*

Team Family…by Tiya Sumter

Three Strategies Needed to Win

When a blended family is created sometimes wounds, baggage and a fear of not getting it right may come along with that. Being a product of a blended family, I placed certain expectations on my dad (he remarried). If he couldn’t get it right with my mom, he’d better show me (in this other relationship) why he chose to my step-mother instead. What I learned from that experience (it’s been 30+ years now) is that in order to make it work, we have to make sure everyone is taken care of, that everyone feels equally loved. It helps when the family spends quality time together developing bonds and coming to the realization that they are al on the same team. Here are some great ways to build up that team, we’ll call “Team Family.”

1. Family Mission Statement includes the goals and plans you have for your family. Each member must contribute. It is critical that everyone feels included and confident that their thoughts, feelings and opinions matter. Also included are the roles and importance that each member holds in the family and what you want your family to represent. A peaceful home, one filled with joy and fun, happiness and plenty of love are all wonderful goals to aim for. Whatever your primary goal is as a family, each member’s actions should reflect that mission. It is okay to refer back to the statement from time to time as a reminder of what the family said was important. After you amicably create your mission statement, it’s time to start planning. The plans for your family should encompass the vacations and activities you want to enjoy together. A fair way to plan is to alternate, have children pick the vacation one year and the parents, the next year.
2. Family Fun Nights Making family night a ritual in your home is a must. Family night can include games, cooking contests, living room sleepovers, dance contests, movie watch and review nights and much more. Just taking the time, turning off the television and computer to just talk is extremely effective for building a strong team. Be open and think outside the box when planning your family fun night. One more great option for a blended family is the get to know you game. Asking general questions, such as who’s afraid of spiders or whose favorite color is green is a great way to see how well the family knows one another. Have each family member anonymously put down a few random facts about themselves, place them in a hat and allow each member to pull one out and guess which person it is. This works well with families that have older children.
3. Always Consider The Team. Working together is what keeps the team strong. Always communicate with one another on how you can make your family better. Let the children speak up and share what they can contribute to the success of the family with the parents sharing the same. Ask yourself what you can personally do to add (that joy, peace and happiness…refer to your mission statement) to your family. Remember, actions do speak louder than words. Show true team family spirit and teamwork with every action. Each family member’s energy and positive attitude are necessary to “Team Family.” When you are on the same team, working and planning together will definitely help you reach your ultimate goal…”Winning.”

Tiya Sumter is a Certified Life and Relationship coach and owner of Life Editing. Her belief is that all of our lives tell a story and it is up to us which story our lives will tell. Her methods involve teaching her clients how to recognize what’s not working in their lives and/or relationships and removing those negative thoughts and behaviors that frequently block us from living the lives that we want. It’s about creating a life story that reads exactly how it would read, if you wrote it yourself. To learn more about Tiya and her practice please visit www.lifeediting.com.

Advice from Relationship Coach…Lacee Jacobs!!

Diane,

I want to acknowledge your courage, your pain and the overall challenges that you have needed to endure to raise your son. I know that if  I had been in you shoes, I may not have done anything differently. Before moving towards offering the help you’ve requested, I want you to know that I have compassion for your journey.

My intent is to offer you support that could end your suffering. Many times in relationships, we choose suffering without knowing that we are making a choice. it is usually an unconscious choice that is accompanied by payoffs and hefty prices.

Let me give you an example of what I mean by this based on your experience.

Your Potential Payoffs:

• Being Right About Your Son’s Father – We love to be right. We choose being right over being in a relationship every day.
• Feeling protected – If you stay bitter, you may never have to be hurt again by this man. If you truly forgive him, you may be thinking to yourself “who knows what he could do this time around?” The big walls we construct for people gives us some false sense of safety.
• Attention/Sympathy – This one is always a hard pill to swallow. It requires us to be really honest with ourselves. The truth is if feels good to have someone show us attention. The best way to find out if this is true is to ask yourself how many times you’ve told this story about your son’s father over the years. Notice your motivation for telling the story.
• Enrollment- sometimes we are just looking for someone to side with us. We feel like if we can get people on our side then it won’t hurt as much.
• Playing Small – In a speech by Nelson Mandela, written by Marianne Williamson, he said that our greatest fear is that we are “powerful beyond measure.” Notice your choice of words, “it’s eating away at me (1st paragraph) and “My son doesn’t understand the things that his dad took away from me during those years of abuse. He took everything from me. My self-esteem, my self-worth, my pride and he placed fear in my heart.” It feels like you have given your power away. Who would you be in the world if you took all of your power back? When you share your story again, reframe your words and replace “he took from me” with “I gave him” and see if you notice anything differently. Changing our language alone can start to empower us. I hope you begin to see that you are powerful enough to rewrite your story.

Your Potential Prices:

• A stronger relationship with your son
• A stronger relationship between your son and his father
• A working relationship between your son’s father and you that models forgiveness
• Greater success in your life. It takes tons of energy to keep this in place.
• Your self-esteem
• Peace
• Harmony

I do not know if any of the statements I have made are true. I invite you to write down what you believe are the payoffs and prices for you. Once you have completed your list, ask yourself if you are willing to continue to the pay the prices in order to receive the payoffs. If you are no longer willing to pay the prices, make a list of what you need to do or who you need to become to have your prices become your payoffs.

Example:

I choose to be forgiving in order to create a working relationship with my son’s father.

I will bring a heart of peace and encourage a relationship between my son and his father.

I will only tell my story when it will be used as a tool for making a positive different in someone else’s life or I am seeking support for my own personal development and growth.

I will release the past so that my family may have peace and harmony.

I pray that his exercise will have you moving towards a greater sense of awareness and unconditional love for yourself and others.

Thank you for allowing me to contribute.

Lacee Jacobs

Certified Relationship Systems Practitioner

www.myinspiredinsights.com

Reader’s Question for the Advisory Board

BFSO is consulting the Advisory Board once again. This time we need to help a reader figure out what she should do. Below is her scenario and my response. We know the best advice comes from those who are living or have lived it. Please respond with open minds and sincere hearts.
Reader’s Question:

I’m a Mom and my ex-husband (in which we’re both remarried) have 50/50 custody. However, we live in different towns and my kids go to school in his hometown.

My problem is that my exes new wife is my children’s primary caregiver. She is currently housesitting for her mother, in which her and my children are staying there, but my ex husband is staying at their house. This is strange to me because my exes wife’s mothers home is in the same town as my exes home. My ex said that he’s getting a lot of work done while they’re gone.

I work from home and want my kids to live with me and go to school in my home town. My ex will not give them up. he says that their home is there and that their school is there. Although I agree that stability in the same school is important, my kids aren’t being taken care of by him. They’re being taken care of by their stepmom. (who is very nice by the way).

Should I take this to court since obviously my ex isn’t the one primarily taking care of them and I have the circumstances and great desire to have them with me?

What’s your thought?

My Response:

Hi Jakki! Thanks so much for stopping by.

I am sorry that you’re in this position. It’s tough when you’re really trying to make decisions based on what’s best for your children. I am sure that your decision to allow your children to remain in your ex’s hometown was based on just that [doing what's best for them]. However, being cared for, primarily, whenever possible, by both of their biological parents is equally important. My questions to you would be: 1) How many days of the week do you get to see them as you stated that you share custody? 2) How many times a week does your ex actually have them since his wife is caring for them outside of their home? 3) Is there a reason why your children live with your ex in the first place?

All of those questions would definitely influence whether or not I would take my ex to court. But, just from the information you’ve provided above, if my children weren’t being primarily cared for by me or my ex, then something would definitely have to change. While I’m sure that your ex’s wife is a great person (after all, she’s caring for your children), I don’t think it’s fair to you, to her or to your children to have her primarily care for them; especially when neither you, nor your husband share a residence with them.

Here are a couple of options to consider:

1. Take your ex to court for physical custody as it’s almost impossible to have joint physical custody when you both reside in different hometowns. I’m not sure how old your children are, but they will adjust to a new school. If one is a senior in high school, then it might be best to allow him to finish out the year in his current school. Other than that, kids move all of the time, and they adjust.

2. You mentioned that you worked from home, so how possible would it be for you to move to the town where your children reside? This way, they could live with you, stay in their school, but still have unlimited access to their father.

I hope I’ve helped in some way, Jakki. I’ll repost this scenario so that readers will have a chance to respond as well.

Grace and Peace,

*Kela*

Help! I Need the BFSO Advisory Board

BFSO readers, I need your opinion.   I have been opining this subject for a while now.  Actually, it is eating away at me because I have always tried really hard to not let what an ex does or doesn’t do or something he says or doesn’t say to me bother me.   My 19 year old son, L’s, father lives in California.  We were married for 5 years.   During that time, as I have written before, he was very physically abusive to me in front of my two older boys.  My oldest son was not his biological child.

Last May, when my son graduated high school, my ex and I got into a huge argument, over the phone over his car insurance payment.   The only thing I ask him to do is pay his car insurance $72.00 a month and that has only been since he was 17.  So, the first 17 years, he never paid a dime of support or helped me in anyway.  He didn’t work when we were married.  Anyway, at the time of our argument, he said to me “Diane, our son is 19.  I don’t have to have anything else to do with you.  I don’t have to talk to you, I can talk to L from now on.”   That really made me think.  How do you say that to the mother of your child?  If it weren’t for me, he wouldn’t have his only son, his namesake.

Well, he’s right.  He doesn’t.  But, that really hurt me.  I raised this boy on my own, got the crap beat out of me by this man, and now he just writes me off  because our son is 19.  I think what bothers me more is that my son WANTS a relationship with him.   For some reason, I feel a little bit betrayed by my son.   I was the one struggling, making $15,000 a year, eating oatmeal at night so the boys could eat what little meat I could afford to buy.  I was the one crying at night wondering how I was gonna pay the daycare that next week, buy groceries and have enough money to last me to the next paycheck.

I never asked for child support from him, not a dime.  We divorced when my son was 4.  I was so afraid of him that I didn’t want him to have any reason to come around us.  The court ordered supervised visitation, with no overnights and that he seek batterers treatment counseling, etc.   The court did order child support, but I stipulated that he didn’t have to pay it and I moved away.  My question is….why would my son want a relationship with him when he has done NOTHING  for him, ever?  Needless to say, from the time my son was 8 through now, 19, my son has seen him a total of 4 times.  Now that he is 19, my ex tries to have a father-son relationship with him, calls him on his cell, talks about the Lakers; which is both of their favorite team.   My son acts like they are the best of friends and it makes me almost physically sick because he has no idea the pain this man has caused me.   Just the raising of this man’s voice still scares me to this day.   My son doesn’t see that pain.  My son doesn’t understand the things his dad took away from me during those years of abuse.  He took everything from me.  My self-esteem, my self-worth, my pride and he placed fear in my heart.   Why does he want to  have anything to do with him?  I know I am being selfish.  My son deserves a relationship with his father….but he is a horrible father.   I have forgiven my ex, but I haven’t forgotten and I guess, I didn’t expect my son to forget either.

It bothers the heck out of me.   HELP!!!!!

Diane

What Should I Do? I need my BFSO Advisory Board!

I have an issue that I’d like to reach out to the BFSO Advisory Board (that’s you readers, by the way) for advice on. It’s about my ex and his relationship with our son. Most of you know, by reading the blog, that my ex is an overseas basketball player and has been since I was pregnant with our son. As such, he’s been living out of the country ever since our son was born and he’s now 11. As a result, they pretty much don’t have a meaningful relationship. My ex wants to change that and so do I, but we clash on how to do so. He is only in the states about 8 weeks, maybe a little more on occasion, out of the entire year and has been since I was pregnant. Therefore, my son has never had the opportunity to develop a meaningful bond with him. It took my son a long while before he actually wanted to go over to their house, without being forced.  Over the past few years, however, it has gotten better; especially since his wife and son stay behind while he goes to Spain to play basketball. It has allowed my son to spend more time in his second home, with his second mom and little brother. Now, he loves to spend as much time with them [his second mom and brother] as he can, and I certainly don’t mind. As a matter of fact, my husband and I are both very happy that he asks to go over every weekend, holiday or whenever he has a break from school. It confirms that his second mom really makes him feel at home when he’s there.  I thank God for that…what a relief! The problems occur when my ex returns for his 8 week visit. My son almost instantly withdraws and doesn’t want to go over.  Last summer, he even said, “I’ll just wait until dad leaves before I go over there again.” When I asked him why he said that he just didn’t feel comfortable when his dad was there. He said that he’d like for him (his dad) to get to know him better.

Let me explain…my son is a highly intelligent, straight A student. He started booting up the computer (on his own) and playing educational games at age 18 months, putting together 100 piece puzzles before age 2 and reading, fluently, by age 3. He’s our brainiac who loves anything having to do with science. Some of our conversations are even over my head! Additionally, he’s the sweetest, most kind-hearted, compassionate, wise individual (not kid, but person) that you’d ever meet. Most people (his teachers, friends’ parents, etc) literally compare him to Ghandi. His bio-dad, on the other hand, is a jock. He’s the professional basketball player, who like most (I don’t mean to stereotype, but it’s true) are self-absorbed individuals, who think that world starts and stops around their schedule because they play basketball. Are you starting to see how the two completely clash??

With that said, I can really tell, especially since my ex is getting older and finally growing up, that he desires a more meaningful relationship with our son. But, he wants our son to do so on his terms. He thinks that by forcing him to stay the entire summer (the 8 weeks that he’s here) that their relationship will automatically improve. I told him that forcing him would potentially do more harm than good. By the time my son gets over the shock of being forced to stay in an environment that he’s not comfortable in, it’s time for the ex to skip town again, for a year, and they get to do it all over again the next summer. I explained to him that forcing him to be with him will not do any good until he decides to stay put for more than 8 weeks in the summer. Additionally, being a parent is much more than just having him in the house with you. You have to spend time with him and even do things that he wants to do at times.  And, because you’ve never had an opportunity to bond, alone time is essential as well.  My ex just doesn’t get it at this point. I will say, however, that I can really tell that he’s making a concerted effort to understand where I’m coming from. I’m so happy that although we don’t agree on everything or even always understand each other’s points of view, we both talk about it like adults and then attempt to work out an optimal solution. And, at the end of the day, we both really want what’s best for our son. What a blessing to have finally arrived at this point!

My question for the BFSO Advisory Board is, should I force my son to stay the 8 weeks in the summer, if he doesn’t want to? Legally, I am not obligated to do so because the judge ordered that he give 60 days notice prior to arriving in the states, which he has never done because he said that he just can’t. However, I’m always flexible with the parenting time schedule and allow my son to see his dad and/or second mom as much as he wants. My thoughts are that if dad were doing everything that he was supposed to do, we wouldn’t have to force him. I’ve told him to call regularly, not just from time to time. Use email to communicate with him on a regular basis. I even suggested a webcam for more frequent contact. But, he’s acted on none of my suggestions. Why should I be flexible and bend over backwards to achieve this goal [my son spending more time with him], and why should my son be forced to be uncomfortable, if dad can’t hold up his end of the bargain? Whether it be because he can’t or isn’t willing? What do you readers think?

Why is it ALWAYS about the moms?

I had a long conversation with a reader, Amy, a few weeks ago. Some of you might remember her as the outspoken ex-wife who wasn’t too happy about my Wives Wars article and didn’t hesitate to let me know. However, through our written dialogue, she raised a very good question – “Why does it seem like it [the blended family] is always about mom and step-mom raising the kids while dad just kicks back and watches?” Although I referenced a similar notion in that article [“If we can get the women to act like adults (usually men will follow suit), then we’re more than half way there”]. I never deeply pondered Amy’s question until she brought it to my attention.

Because so much of the breakdown in communication occurs between the wives, I think it’s necessary to examine potential reasons why this happens.

There has been tons of research on the topic of how women and men communicate differently. Women tend to lead with their emotions, and men would rather lead with facts and logic (so they say). When it comes to women and their children, they are born with a protective instinct that can be compared to a mama bear and her cubs. Often times this instinct is based on an emotional response to the situation instead of being based fact and logic. As such, when the second wife enters the picture, many ex-wives react to their inability to control the situation, and when one loses control, fear sets in. When fear sets in, anything having to do with logic and fact goes out the window. All that woman is concerned about is protecting her children from someone that she doesn’t know. And, don’t expect her to trust her ex-husband’s judgment because in her eyes, he doesn’t use good judgment. This is called the mama bear syndrome.

I can relate to the mama bear syndrome as I experienced it myself when my ex suddenly remarried. Although my ex had only known his current wife for a very short time before they married, and my ex spent most of the year out the country; thereby he lacked the experience in raising our child. I still don’t know if my initial reaction [feeling a bit threatened by her presence] would’ve been any different. To me, his current wife symbolized the end of my son’s family. His parents would never be back together again, and consciously or unconsciously, that’s what every child wants at some point in their lives. Not to mention that now my ex would now be primarily taking advice from her, about MY child; a child that she didn’t even know. Although I wanted my life with my ex to change (that’s why we broke up in the first place), I didn’t want my son’s world, as he knew it, to drastically change. As a result, I will honestly admit that I didn’t give her much of a chance in the beginning. But, I had to take a step back, check myself and realize that (1) it wasn’t about me (2) this is the woman that he chose and the ring indicated that she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon (3) it doesn’t matter how sudden their marriage was, maybe she could be a positive integral part of our son’s life (4) I was pre-judging her, instead of getting to know her for myself.

The next reason that the wives seem to keep the war going is what I like to call emotional baggage. Usually this is something that many ex-wives have so much trouble letting go of. Emotional baggage consists of those irrational thoughts such as; she [second wife] is going to replace me; my children may like being with their father more than me; now my ex won’t listen to me anymore, etc. Notice all of those me statements? You can’t have all of those me statements, but still think that it’s about your children. Don’t weigh down our plane [blended family] with your emotional baggage. Check it before getting on the plane. And, this is not Southwest, Northwest or American Airlines, you check more than one bag. Now, just because you can’t bring your emotional baggage on the plane doesn’t mean that you can not or should not deal with that baggage. You can deal with it in your own way, but not in a way that affects everybody else on the plane.

Ex-wives aren’t totally responsible for the breakdown in communication between the ex and second wife. Second wives and divorced dads also add to the conflict. Step-moms have a tendency to over do it in the beginning. Yes, it is possible to over do it. We get caught up in being the best step-mom that we can be. We get caught up in fixing “it,” because in our eyes it must be broken, that’s why the divorce occurred in the first place. As such, we also have the tendency to butt in when it’s not our right or business to do so. Step-moms need to step back and let the biological parents lead. Our job is to be there as support. Our opinions are certainly relevant and valuable, but at the end of the day, bio mom and bio dad need to be communicating the decisions that are made for their child. I always say that if (in most cases – when) we go to court, the step-parent isn’t going to be allowed to speak for his or her spouse. So, don’t start off allowing the step-parents interfere to the extent that it keeps you from civilly communicating with your ex-spouse.

My ex’s wife was guilty of this is the beginning, and it didn’t help our relationship. Every time we discussed an issue of visitation, child support or any other matter that I should have been discussing with him, I was discussing it with her. This made me resent her even more. After all, I shouldn’t have had to discuss such matters with his new wife, who had only been on the scene for a hot minute. Well, it doesn’t matter if she had been on the scene for several years. Certain matters should be handled by the biological parents. In her defense, however, I could tell that she was only trying to help, but it didn’t. Like I said, when we ended up in court, we [the biological parents] were expected to communicate our issues to the Judge and each other. She wasn’t even allowed in the court room. Therefore, I shouldn’t have been expected to discuss those issues with her outside of the courtroom.

One of the final reasons that second and ex wives can’t seem to get along is because divorced dad is all over the place. I realize that dad is automatically placed in what seems like an impossible position in the blended family. His ex-wife will often feel that his loyalty should be to her because she is the mother of his children. But, his current wife will feel that his loyalty should be to her because she is his wife. As a result, many divorced/remarried dads seem to “side with” whoever he’s talking to at that time. He’s easily led, sets no boundaries for his ex-wife and lacks control of his family. My advice to these dads is to man up. It shouldn’t be that difficult to know what to do. Your second marriage vows should be no different than your first. Your loyalty should always be to your wife! Your only responsibility is to remain an active parent in your children’s lives and treat your former wife with respect and civility. It doesn’t mean that you have to do whatever your ex-wife says. Set boundaries. She should not be allowed to wreak havoc on your marriage just because she can’t get a grip on the dissolution of her marriage and family. You are the head of your household (the one your wife lives in), so act like it. Instead of giving in to your ex-wife’s every whim, thereby making your current wife lose trust and faith in your relationship, take the appropriate measures to remain an active parent in your children’s lives. Remember, just because you married your current wife second doesn’t mean that those vows should be any less important than the first. By that same token, remember that just because you divorced your first wife doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t be treated with respect. She shouldn’t be told to “get a life” just because she expresses concern for her children. Trust me, you want the mother of your children to love her children with every ounce of her being.  Just because you get married a second time doesn’t mean that she all of sudden doesn’t know what to do with HER children or that she shouldn’t continue to express concern for them. She’s glad that you’re happy, but her opinion as it relates to HER children, still counts!! They are still her babies, and if you got married ten times, that wouldn’t change – remember that!

As I listen to, speak with and lend advice to other blended family members, if they only retain one thing that I say it would be this: “If one looks deep enough into their problem, he will recognize himself as both part of the problem and part of the solution.” If I have learned nothing else, I have learned that the blame of blended family issues can not be placed solely on one person within the blended family. We ALL add to the breakdown in communication and in many cases, the demise of our blended families. The problem is that we want one person to take responsibility for it. But, we all have to hold ourselves accountable and be responsible for the mistakes that we make within this family structure. If we all focus on ourselves (I know, it sounds selfish) instead of each other, then our hearts and minds will be more free to focus on our children.

So Unfair – comments from another reader

I have heard many complaints, over the years, from divorced dads regarding unfair child support payments! It is something that my husband and I have struggled with, too.  It is an issue that can be the death of the blended family.  Sometimes divorced parents will continually make this issue about them, and it’s easy to do so because your finances is something that shouldn’t be taken lightly. But, it’s not about what your ex doesn’t need; it’s about what your child needs. If parents always consider the best interest of their child, then there shouldn’t be a problem. So, divorced dads don’t be stingy with your money by not paying child support or paying less than what your child deserves. You are not hurting your ex; you are hurting your child. And, divorced moms, don’t try to empty your ex’s bank account. Remember, that your child still has to have visitation with his father, and he has to have a house and money to take care of his child during visitation. You are not hurting your ex; you are only hurting your child. With that said, read the following comments from one of my readers and my response to her.

sad step mom Says:
August 25, 2008 at 5:51 pm e

I agree that both parents should support the child. I don’t agree that only the non-custodial parent should be doing so. What do you do when a custodial parent lies about daycare, education expenses, dance classes and so on just to get more money because she is financially irresponsible. The court doesn’t even require proof of such things. But we don’t get to even know the name of the dance studio or the daycare. She even tried to get her ex mother in law to tell the court that she paid her weekly for daycare. Thankfully the Ex MIL said she would not lie in court. We pay a huge amount of money and have no say in the childs life. We are lucky to see the child 6 days a month. She has had numerouse contempt charges based on all of this but we still can’t get joint custody.

 My Response

Thanks so much for your comments! They are always greatly appreciated.

Let me start by addressing what I perceive to be issue number 1: most of the financial burden falling on the non-custodial parent. I whole-heartedly agree that the child DESERVES to be financially, emotionally, and physically supported by both parents. But, that does not necessarily mean that the support will be totally equal. In regards to child support, it is set up so that the child continues the same lifestyle that he would have lived if his parents stayed together. Just because you get a divorce or split from the mother or father of your child doesn’t mean that you are any less responsible for caring for that child. As such, if the non-custodial parent can afford to pay more (without breaking his bank, of course), then he will likely do so. The child support system, in most states, considers both of custodial and non-custodial parent’s income when setting up child support. I know it can sometimes feel unfair, especially when the non-custodial parent isn’t allowed to be as involved as he would like to be (trust me, I know firsthand). But, don’t misplace your anger; sometimes excess emotional baggage can cause us to do this. Meaning, if we are really really mad at the ex-wife/baby’s mama (justified or not), then any and everything she does or we have to do as a result, is wrong. Is your husband really the only one financially supporting the child?? Unless he is paying for her mortgage or rent (shelter for his child), her car payment (transportation to get his child back and forth), food expenses (his child has to eat), health insurance (health care for his child) etc., then he is definitely not the ONLY one supporting the child. I’m certain that it takes a whole lot more than what your husband is paying in child support expenses to raise a child. I don’t doubt that his monthly child support payments help out a great deal, but that’s what he’s supposed to do; whether he sees the child or not. One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. You can’t punish (withhold child support) the child because of something that his or her mom is doing.

In regards to issue number two- your husband not being able to see his child. I completely understand where you are coming from. It’s a hard pill to swallow to know that you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing, but you aren’t allowed to be actively involved in your child’s life. It’s unfortunate, but this part of the system is not set up to produce favorable results for the father, who is often times the non-custodial parent. As I explained in one of my posts, Judges seemingly have tunnel vision when it comes to these family law issues. They assume that all dads are deadbeat dads and the moms are helpless hard workers who only want what’s best for the child. When the truth of the matter is that many dads just get tired (or run out of money) of fighting. It’s extremely taxing on the dad and the child. Not to mention, that there are many moms who could care less about the best interest of their child; they are more interested in just sticking it to the ex. I’ve worked and am still diligently working hard to change this. They have to start viewing these cases on an individual, instead of a generalized basis!

With that said, your husband certainly has a right to be informed and involved in his child’s life. I would suggest getting a good attorney to set up a visitation schedule that is in the best interest of the child.

Dialogue Promotes Change

I am one who firmly believes that dialogue, positive or negative, promotes change. If I want to resolve an issue, then it is important, to me, to find out what’s on that other person’s mind. I want to know why he or she has made the decisions that they’ve made. I want to know how that other person is feeling. I want to know how we can try to understand each other to resolve our issues. It may not lead to achieving consensus, but it certainly can shed some light on what that other person is thinking.

I recently had the opportunity to put my theory (dialogue promotes change) to the test. I posted my Wives War article on my Charly Magazine blog (www.thecharlymag.wordpress.com) and it gave me the opportunity to have a conversation with an ex-wife. She wasn’t too happy about the content of that article. She felt as if it gave ex-wives a bad name and she let me know. What started off as a tongue lashing between her (representing the ex-wives) and I (representing the second wives) ended up as what I’ll call a “change experience.” She began to listen to me and I to her and it sparked a bit of understanding on both of our parts. It also raised many questions that I hadn’t even thought of.

I posted some of our conversation below. As you read these very real thoughts and opinions regarding blended families, try to figure out who you might identify with. Perhaps you understand both of our positions.

A conversation between an ex and a second wife!

Amy Says:
August 11, 2008 at 2:56 pm e

I always enjoy reading perspectives, but I hate the bouncing back and forth of control. It seems we can find a justification for our actions around ever corner and it changes with every new perspective. Come on, I am all for step-parents, but when it comes down to it and the decisions need to be made….Step-up or step-aside! I am a pretty open minded woman, I divorced my husband, NOT my kids. She married my husband, NOT my kids. Kids are an extra bonus, but they are not and never will be her children. IF she is lucky and treats them with respect and kindness, they will love her and she will be a welcome adult in their life, but that is it.

WE all have to work out something that works so the kids can have the best chance at growing up well adjusted, but that does not mean that the ex-wive should just step aside and let step-mom take over or that step-moms should be treated with kid gloves. We are adults here. I keep hearing how we, as Bio parents, made the choice to divorce so we should just take responsibility for our choice, well ya know what, step-parents CHOSE to marry a man with children and all the mayhem that comes with hit. Child like or not, it is reality. I am the mom, I was here before, during, and I will be here after, I am not going away, and if you want life to be okay then WE need to work things out, not just ME or YOU… WE. If she wants to be included, fine and great, but it is a voice, NOT the final say. If she wants to argue her point well then get ready for a brawl. STEP. Step-up or step-aside

Amy

blendingin Says:
August 11, 2008 at 7:19 pm e

Hi Amy,

While I completely respect your opinion as it is something that I have heard before from ex-wives, I must say that I don’t totally agree. It seems to me that you are assuming that (like most other ex-wives that I know) that stepmothers are trying to replace you when this is not the case at all. I wish that more of you would stop viewing us as some sort of threat instead of viewing us as an added bonus. No matter what you choose to think; we are the ones taking care of YOUR children when they are in OUR home. By default, this makes us automatically included in most decisions. Not to mention that we are married to your ex-husbands!! Don’t you expect your husband to include you in all of the decisions that either affect your household or will affect you?? Well, it is no different with stepmoms and second wives. We don’t expect you to step aside, believe me, we know that we are going to have to deal with you for the rest of our lives. It is a decision that we made prior to marrying our wonderful husbands. I just wish those dealings could be a little more pleasant. Just like you aren’t going anywhere, we aren’t either!! Just like we better get used to you, you better get used to us! Do you see how it works both ways??

And for you to say that YOUR children will never be her children is unfortunate; because you are automatically cheating your children out of the love that us step parents can give. We are just as much their parental figures as you are. Visit http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com and read some of my posts that were submitted by step children! These children think of their step parents as PARENTS and nothing less. Please don’t cheat your children out this opportunity because of something that you may be feeling. YOU MUST SEPARATE THE TWO! Often times when we try to speak for our children, we turn out to be totally wrong. Allow them to speak for themselves!

We are fully aware that you divorced your husband and not your children. But, when you make that decision, you must know that there is an enormous possibility that your ex will remarry; when he does, you must make room for someone else. She is his wife and expects that same out of him that you did when you were married to him. Just try to put yourself in her shoes. If you are really interested in EVERYBODY WORKING TOGETHER, then the first step is to rid yourself of this childlike mentality that keeps you believing that everything is about you – it’s not! It is and should continually be about the children. It’s disheartening to always hear ex-wives talk about how it’s all about the children, yet all of your complaints regarding second wives are about how they make YOU, NOT YOUR CHILDREN, feel!

Final thought – most of us have stepped up. We make a choice to love and care for your children. Instead of continually trying to degrade us, try actually working with the step mom in your life so that you can raise healthy, well-adjusted children.

Amy Says:
August 12, 2008 at 1:17 am e

Our son loves his step-mom, I would never ever get in the way of that. I just get sick of hearing it one way or the other. It has got to be BOTH, not mom or step-mom alone. To be honest in my case after seeing dad move 2 or 3 woman in and out of his home, it was a GOD send when this last woman decided to stay. It takes time though to realize that it is forever. In our case it had a lot more to do with DADs immaturity that poor step-mom just happen to walk in to a volitile relationship. I don’t even know if it was her “choice” Dad didn’t even know her on and off for a year while dating other woman and got her pregnant and moved her in within 3 weeks and married her a month later. Sorry if I don’t see that as permenant! It is going to take time.

I guess I look at it as any TEAM. If I were the Starter and go to person on the team and some freshman popped in all cocky and started trying to push her weight around and exert her authority, I would have a problem. now if this freshman came in and quietly introduced herself and then performed well for the team, I would have little problem, as it is for the bettermeant of the team, but I’ll be damned if I would just role over for some kid that is all talk.

Each situation is different. In ours it started out rough, but through MY patience and understanding of her position, things are calming down. I was put down like you wouldn’t believe, by both my ExH and her; for absolutely no reason other than wanting to know who this woman was who was moved into our son’s life. Our son was crying to come home all the time, how the hell was I supposed to know she was okay, and then she started in on me. Oh I was furious!

Like I said with the annalogy, if she had come in with an air of cooperation and allowed time to take it’s course I would have been fine, I was thrilled a the thought of the line of women in and out ending! But she pushed herself in and I did not respect that! Believe me, i would rather have a woman in that houselhold! At least I have some peace of mind!

So before you go generalizing about my thoughts, please Know my situation. I just sat through two wonderful performances of our child, with MY parents… where were Dad and Stepmom?

And as far as how our child feels, he is a happy go lucky well adjusted kid. He loves his dad and I have encouraged his relationships with both dad and step-mom and his new little brother and will continue to do so.

I work with her as much as she will allow me to. She is included in everything. Just because I state an opion does not mean I do not do what is right. Talk is talk. Doing what is right is a whole other story. I walk the walk every day.

So don’t get on some high horse acting like all ex-wives are the evil vilans and you might want to switch the name son your own post, as if it were from me, and rethink who is childish. I think I could agree we both are, but I am definiately not alone here.

Amy

blendingin Says:
August 12, 2008 at 1:58 am e

Hi Amy,

I certainly didn’t mean to generalize, but I when it comes situations such as this (blended family) it kind of becomes personal. Like you don’t know mine, I don’t know your situation. I can only go off of personal experience. In my experience, I was and am continually beat down as a second wife and step mom. My husband and I have known each other since I was 14 years old. We dated for nearly 3 years prior to getting married, and we’ve been married for 4 years. In my case, it certainly wasn’t a sudden marriage that caught her by surprise. But like you mentioned in your first comment, she automatically thougth that I was trying to replace or even nix her altogether. I was just trying to convey to you that this often times isn’t the case with step moms. The days of the “evil stepmother” have withered away. Just because we desire and deserve to build a relationship with our husbands and children (including stepchildren) that are independent of you, doesn’t mean that we don’t recognize your presence and position in all of our lives.

Let me also say that I am also an ex (I have a child with someone who I spent 6 years with), so I completely understand (to a certain extent) the position of some ex-wives. It’s painful because you have to view apart of your child’s life from a distance. You have to allow him to have his time with the other side of his family, without you. It’s difficult because you are used to and always thought that you’d share every thing and every moment with this child; but not you have to let go a little earlier than you thought. And you have to trust these other people with your child. I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE HOW HARD THIS CAN BE! But, it is something that must be done. When I realized this, stepped back and allowed my son to develop a relationship with his stepmother, I was overjoyed with the outcome. I would never tell her that he will never be HER child, especially if she’s willing to take that position in his life. I nearly cried when he came home for the first time, professing his love for his new mom. I breathed a sigh of relief because I knew he was okay over there. I didn’t accuse her of trying to take my place.

Having said all that, Amy, I completely understand where you’re coming from, too. Mainly because my situation with my ex and his new wife didn’t start off that way. Like your ex, he only knew her for a short time (3 months) before they got pregnant and married! My son also called crying to come home on several occasions and I went to pick my baby up – EVERY TIME! Like you, the new wife and my ex tried to accuse me of probably the same thing that they accused you of. But it didn’t matter because my main objective was protecting my son, and at the time, I didn’t feel like it was their main objective. Needless to say, we didn’t start working together as parents until I felt that they both had his best interest at heart, and not before. I felt as if this was my responsibility as his parent.

And so, I am not on some high horse at all, Amy. I don’t think I am being or have been childish at all. My article is a reaction based on my experience. This is MY personal testimony (just as your story is yours). If it doesn’t apply to you, then so be it. But like me, I know plenty of step mothers who can relate to my testimony.

I’m glad that your child is happy and well-adjusted, and I hope that you continue to put your feelings (no matter how justified) aside in order to work with your exH and his wife.

Amy Says:
August 12, 2008 at 1:44 pm e

okay, so you are not child like at all I apologize for my rant. Thank you for sharing your story.

I do want to let you know, that I am also trying hard to change the role of blended families… where and when it is safe to do so.

Do you think that the whole mom/step-mom debate takes responsibility away from dad? Sometimes it seems as if it is all about mom and step-mom and we end up raising the child, while dad kicks back and watches.

Honestly I think my own beef with “step-mom” comes from the father’s rights and shared parenting initiatives. As much as I agree all parents being involved can be a wonderful thing, I have seen a lot of hurt come from these initiatives. Almost the reverse. It seems like we are turning the tables… It seems that right now, there is little about the benefit of moms, but here is so much literature on how important dads and step-partents are in the kids lives.

I am just wondering if I am alone in seeing the trend. It always seems like the best way to change things is through action, by simply being a good mom/dad/step-parent/etc and giving each realtionship time.

I believe in empowerment as long as it is not power over. I don’t believe anyone has an advantage on parenting, but I do belive that a child has the right to have a permanent schedule that will not have to be taken back in to court every other year to change. If it is working, why change it?

Anyway, thanks for the responses, I have a lot to think about.

Amy

blendingin Says:
August 12, 2008 at 2:38 pm e

You know what, Amy, I completely agree with you. Little emphasis is placed on what dad needs to be doing; which is why I try my best to draw attention to these issues as well through my personal blog – http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com. I am on both sides of the fence, and believe me, I have PLENTY of issues with my ex and his approach to parenting.

I’m not so sure I agree, however, that giving each relationship time works – it hasn’t for me. I have been with my husband for 7 years and his ex is still bitter about something. When I initially came into this relationship, I tried to take a backseat, but it was hard to do so. Especially since I was the primary caregiver for HER (continually reminds me of this) child when he was in my home. My husband was at work all of the time. When I took a back seat, I was seen as being cold and insensitive. But, when I tried to take a more active role, I was trying to replace her – I couldn’t win and still can’t. She only wants my husband to be involved with her and her son, but I am his wife; and I am not going anywhere. I am more than just an adult figure in her child’s life. I AM THE ONE WHO TAKES CARE OF HIM WHEN HE’S WITH US. I feed him; I am chaffeur; I am nurse; I am a confidant; I tuck him in when he’s sick. Overall, I am the same mother to him that I am to my biological child. Give respect where respect is due. I am not trying to take over. I am simply running my household.

By that same token, as an ex, I know that I have certain rights as my child’s mother. As I stated in my previous comment, it is my responsibility to be involved (to a certain extent) in my son’s life, even when he is with his bio dad. However, I still continue to try and remain mindful and understanding of my son’s stepmom’s position, too.

It truly is a difficult situation, but I think the first step towards change is open, honest dialogue. It is so important to avoid assumptions and really try to understand where the other person (ex wife, second wife, divorced dad and children) is coming from.

Thanks so much, Amy, for sharing your thoughts, opinions and story with me. It has been nice chatting with you. Let’s keep this dialogue going – DIALOGUE PROMOTES CHANGE!!

Kela

The New Wife – Reader’s Question

I also like to post my readers’ questions every now and then just to give you insight regarding everyone else’s blended family issues. I am truly not alone! Blended families are now more common than so called “traditional” families, and we experience many, many issues. Check out my reader’s issue and let me know what you think.

 Reader’s Question:

This is a GREAT article…

I am having a HUGE issue in my new marriage… My wife has been taking a more and more aggressive tact with my kids (7-year old twins, she has an 11-year old daughter).. It’s leading to major weekly conflict as it has gotten to the point where she only interacts with them in a disciplinary manner and not even a caring matter.It has gotten to the point this week where I said I don’t thin I can be with someone who cant at least be civil to my children and have asked her NUMEROUS times now to let me discipline my kids since her method is so harsh. We did see some of this before we married but It seems to be getting worse.Her idea of “fixing” the problem is to simply stop having the contact level we do now as a blended family. So when we have the kids, I do my thing with my kids and she does her thing with her daughter. In my view this is nothing more than AVOIDING the issue rather than trying to address it.

 Any thoughts??? HELP

My Response:

Hi,

First off, thanks so much for reading my blog as well as taking the time to leave a comment. I appreciate that because it is one of the primary reasons that I write on my blog.

Now on to your question…I completely understand your current situation because I was in a similar situation at the beginning of my marriage. I think often times we as parents are too consumed with our feelings that we forget to think about the children that exist within the blended family. When I married my husband, we had two boys (mine and his), both the same age and equipped with their own set of issues; mainly due to divorce and our new family. Because I spent the majority of time with the boys, I thought I just needed to get them under control. I didn’t care how they felt. I just wanted them to do as I said so that my house wasn’t a complete zoo, all of the time. In doing so, however, I will admitt that I made the problem worse. I had to realize that the world these children had known had completely changed. As such, there was going to be an adjustment period. So, I, as the adult, had to put my own feelings aside to try and help MY children through this. Simply put, I had to be more understanding and sympathetic to my children’s feelings and needs. In addition to that, my husband and I were having the same issues. What helped us to get through it was (I know you’ve heard this before) COMMUNICATION. Through my husband’s eyes I was only interacting with his son in a disciplinary manner. But, to me, there was always an issue that needed discipline, and I couldn’t just let his son do whatever he wanted to because he was hurting. I didn’t want to only interact with him in this manner. And, it didn’t help that he (my husband) was always attacking (that’s the way I felt) me when it came to the issue.

Usually, there is a deeper issue that causes these types of issues to manifest within the blended family. Many times it’s our insecurities that cause us to avoid looking at the entire picture. We are always quick to assume that the other parent isn’t being fair due to a non-biological connection. It’s that innate, protective instinct that we have as parents. It not only takes time for blended family children to trust us as adults, but it takes an equal amount of time for us to trust each other, especially when it comes to our respective children.

Having said that, I would encourage you to speak to your wife about her feelings before you give up. By that same token, make sure you convey your feelings as well. Once you’ve figured out the core issues, try creating that co-parenting policy that I talked about in the post. Remember, that you must create a household that works cohesively, from this point on. You are husband and wife, and although you had your respective children with other people, these are your children together. And, those children will need and depend on all of their parents to raise them. You must work together to solve issues of discipline.

I hope that I’ve helped in some way. Be sure to check back in with me to let me know how things are going. Hang in there. Believe it or not, it can get better.

Sincerely,

 Kela Price

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