Jason Mesnick and Molly Melaney Wed

The first divorced father of the hit reality show, The Bachelor, married contestant, Molly Melaney in a rainy California ceremony on Saturday.

You might remember Jason as the bachelor who caused a lot of chaos when he initially gave his final rose to contestant Melissa Rycroft (who has since found love herself) in the season finale of The Bachelor last spring, but then changed broke off his engagement on national television to pursue Melaney instead.

Jason’s young son Tyler (Ty) was part of the ceremony as well. He ran down the aisle a minute before Molly did, and Jason said that he had a talk with him. Thirty seconds later, his blushing bride appeared on the stairs and Jason started crying.

Catch their big day on an ABC Broadcast which airs Monday night at 8 pm. The first ever Bachelor couple to wed and on national television.

We wish this modern family the best of luck!

Friendship is a Secret Weapon

I read this post about friendship on author of Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin’s blog, and decided to share this valuable information about friendship with Today’s Modern Family readers. Be sure to check out her blog by clicking on her name.

By Guest Blogger, Wednesday Martin

Do you have a Valentine’s Day hangover? Have you read a million articles and heard a million news reports about marriage and love and crazy proposal schemes and so on over the last days and weeks? Couples and romance are big news-and big business. With so much recent emphasis on the couple bond, romance, love, sex, and so on during the build-up to Valentine’s Day, some other very important relationships may not have gotten their due.

I’m talking about you and your friends. Why you need them, what they do for you, why you literally can’t live (or can’t live as well) without them.

I am honored to find myself a finalist for a “Books for a Better Life” award along with Jeffrey Zazlow. You know him-he co-authored The Final Lecture with Randy Pausch, and more recently wrote The Girls from Ames, a chronicle of the lives and friendships of 11 women from Ames, Iowa over the course of 40 years.

Zazlow found that, in spite of the fact that the women moved apart and lived in eight different states, their friendships sustained them in critical and remarkable ways. One woman lost a child to leukemia. Another battled breast cancer. The women dealt with transitions like divorce, job loss and the stresses of caring for their kids and their parents. Over and over, they supported one another with phone calls, gifts, and emails, extending and benefiting from the tangible and intangible rewards of friendship.

What does science have to say about social support and emotional and physical well-being? You might be surprised. Last spring a New York Times article summarized some pretty incredible research about what friendship can do for us, concluding that friendship is a, if not the, key ingredient in the brew of a healthy life.

A 2004 Ohio State University study looked at the effects of the stress hormone cortisol on lone hamsters versus those paired with a furry friend. Researchers found that skin wounds healed nearly twice as fast in the befriended hamsters. These animals also produced less of the stress hormone cortisol than unpaired hamsters. Here’s something else: if the researchers deliberately stressed the hamsters by putting them in a confined area, those hamsters who had company in the stressful situation produced less cortisol than the ones confined alone. And presence of another hamster increased the hamsters’ oxytocin levels. That’s a feel-good, happy type hormone that is also produced when you nurse a baby or fall madly in love. The study’s lead author concludes, “Stress delays wound healing in humans and other animals, and social contact helps counteract this delay.” That’s right, friendship helps us heal.

Another study of 3,000 nurses found that those without friends were four times as likely to die as those with ten or more friends. And here’s something amazing: the women didn’t have to see or even be in touch with those friends for the friendship to have a protective effect. And just last year Harvard University researchers found that a good network of friends could promote brain health and improve memory function as we age.

Social support is good for guys, too. A Swedish study found that only smoking was a greater predictor of having a hard attack than was not having friends. That’s right, not having friends can be almost as bad for your health as smoking. And as for smoking alone-okay, I’ll stop!

As to your mental health, it seems friendships give us a leg up and a positive attitude, a sense that we Can Do (what woman partnered with someone with kids couldn’t use that?) One of my favorites is the slope slant study. College students were asked to stand at the bottom of a slope and describe its steepness. Those who stood with friends rated the slope as less steep, and the longer they’d been friends with the person they stood with, the less steep they rated it. Climb every mountain -with your best pal.

What does all this mean for women with stepchildren? I don’t think I need to spell it out for you. In a stressful situation your best bet may well be to find some supportive friends, and then hang on like hell. Get out-a good goal might be once a week-away from your home, your partner, and his or her kids if they’re in residence, and have a good time. One of my readers has a regular get-together with friends who have martinis and touch up their color or get haircuts (Okay, maybe the combination of gin and scissors makes me a little nervous, but that’s just me. And we know that even a bad haircut pales in comparison to bad physical and mental health brought on or exacerbated by social isolation!)

You could try a rotating movie night, bowling, whatever works to keep you feeling connected to your pals. Izzy Rose of Stepmother’s Milk is a big proponent of Girl’s Night Out-check out her website for suggestions.

Yes, your spouse is a great person. But research shows that couples who don’t make the extra effort can become isolated in their marriages-marooned together in essence (Gerstel and Sarkisian, “Marriage Reduces Social Ties,” paper for the Council on Contemporary Families, 2007). This can be especially maladaptive for stepcouples, since they may experience aggravating fractures and differences in opinion in their parnterships for the first several years and even longer. Getting out with friends can be a great release and rejuvenator for them, a way to step away from their differences, connect with friends, and feel supported in fundamental and, it turns out, life-altering, if not life-saving, ways.

That’s right. It turns out that friends are the new glass of red wine. Or the new dark chocolate. Or the new green tea. So indulge in friendship, without guilt.

Live Happy iPhone App

Sonja Lyubomirsky, professor of psychology at UC Riverside and author of the book “The How of Happiness,” has teamed up with Signal Patterns, developers of psychology-based Web and mobile applications, to create the new “Live Happy” iPhone application.

This application is the first of its’ kind and will guide users through a set of daily activities to boost short and long-term happiness, including:

• Goal setting/evaluating/tracking
• Expressing gratitude directly
• Keeping a gratitude journal
• Replaying happy days
• Keeping a savoring photo album
• Envisioning your best possible self
• Nurturing relationships
• Remembering acts of kindness

Prompts in the application will also allow users to measure their happiness on a regular basis, and will help identify which happiness strategies are right for them.

The application builds on traditional happiness programs that previously had been only found in books. With the iPhone’s capabilities to e-mail and text message, write notes, and take photos, the “Live Happy” app provides a comprehensive program that engages users on an interactive platform whenever and wherever they go.

I am so excited about this application as many stepfamily members CHOOSE to get stuck by dwelling on their negative pasts instead of moving forward. Lyubomirsky’s research suggests that happiness is a choice and this new app is a perfect way to get people to make a deliberate effort to choose happiness.

The app is available on the Apple App Store for the iPhone and the iPod Touch. A free version, which supports a limited number of activities, is also available for download. The paid version includes unlimited activities and the “Ask Sonja” feature that allows people to send questions to Lyubomirsky.

Lyubomirsky has extensively studied and written about the psychology of enduring emotions - specifically, happiness and depression. She explores how exceptionally happy people view themselves and their worlds, and how that enables them to stay upbeat and, most important, how less happy individuals can learn such happiness-enhancing habits.

This story was first published here.

Divorce After 50 is On the Rise

AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) conducted a study regarding divorce after the age of 50. Elizabeth Enright wrote an article delving into this study which was featured in AARP magazine for July/August of 2004. She writes “Divorce over 50 is on the rise. Women do the walking. Men don’t see it coming.”

Many individuals stay in a marriage for the children. They wait until the kids are grown then they make their move. Elizabeth Enright states that women often recognize the danger signs of a problem marriage earlier than men do. She goes on to say that one is more likely to leave a marriage earlier in proceeding marriages if they have been through a divorce before. In the AARP study 66 percent of women initiated the divorce after the age of 50 as opposed to 44 percent of men. This study also found that the men stayed in an unhappy marriage for the kids and the women stayed because of financial worry.

58 percent of men stayed for the kids whereas only 37 percent of women stayed for the kids. This isn’t a knock on the women by any means. These numbers reveal a very hard unwritten truth among men: “Why do men worry more about the children than women do? Because women take for granted that they’ll stay close to the kids. Most experts agree that men of all ages have more to lose in a divorce, especially when it comes to children. According to our survey, 42 percent of the men said that their worst fears after the divorce involved their children, with most of these men worrying they’d lose contact with their kids. In comparison, only 15 percent of women had these fears. “For men, it’s a well-founded fear,” says Vetrano, who lectures on elder divorce law nationally. “Men lose their children a lot.”
All of this brings up an interesting perspective that, at 34 with three kids under the age of 18, I hadn’t thought of prior to reading this article. I am fascinated by these statistics and would love to know how you, our readers, feel about this topic. What are your feelings on this personally? Do you have first hand experience (man or woman) with a divorce after the age of 50? Did you stay just for you kids? If so or if not, then why? Please share your views as we would love to expound on this growing epidemic as proven from the article above. To view this article in its entirety CLICK HERE.

Families in Haiti Need Our Help!

An earthquake centered near the impoverished Haitian capital of Port-au-Prince caused the collapse of several buildings and an unknown number of fatalities Tuesday. The quake measured 7.0 on the Richter scale and at least 1.8 million people live within the area where the earthquake had its highest intensity. Among the many people injured included children and families, and we cannot sit by and watch them continue to suffer. They are in desperate need of our help!

The homes and lives of these survivors have been completely destroyed and has forced residents to sleep in the streets.  Many of these same residents are also awaiting health care as some sit with two broken legs and others lay wounded after being trapped in rubble.

The American people immediately stepped up to help by texting and calling in donations to the several relief funds that have been established in honor of Haiti. Specifically, superstar musician Wyclef Jean, and native of Haiti, raised over $400,000 on the first day by requesting that supporters text donations. But it’s going to take much more than that to rebuild the lives and families of Haiti, and we here at Blended Family Soap Opera are requesting your help.  Below are ways that you can help families in Haiti by making donations to the relief funds provided.

Cell phone users can help by texting the word “Haiti” to 45678 through a system set up by the Mobile Giving Foundation, a group that enables charities to collect money by text messages. By texting the word “Haiti” you donate $5 and the amount will be charged directly to your cell phone bill. Additionally, Wyclef Jean’s Yele Foundation has also made it possible for you to text $5 donations by texting the word “Yele” to 501501. You can also visit www.Yele.org to donate through his web site.  Below are other ways in which you can help.

1.     Action Against Hunger, 877-777-1420

2.     Agape Flights, 941-584-8078

3.     American Red Cross, 800-733-2767

4.     American Jewish World Service, 212-792-2900

5.     AmeriCares, 800-486-4357

6.     Beyond Borders, 866-424-8403

7.     CARE, 800-521-2273

8.     CarmaFoundation

9.     Catholic Relief Services, 800-736-3467

10.  Childcare Worldwide, 800-553-2328

11.  Concern Worldwide, 212-557-8000

12.  Cross International, 800-391-8545

13.  Direct Relief International, 805-964-4767

14.  Doctors Without Borders, 888-392-0392

15.  Feed My Starving Children, 763-504-2919

16.  Food for the Poor, 800-427-9104

17.  Friends of WFP, 866-929-1694

18.  Friends of the Orphans, 312-386-7499

19.  Haiti Children, 877-424-8454

20.  Haiti Foundation Against Poverty

21.   Haiti Marycare, 203-675-4770

22.   Haiti Health Foundation, 860-886-4357

23.   Hope for Haiti, 239-434-7183

24.   International Medical Corps, 800-481-4462

25.   International Rescue Committee, 877-733-8433

26.   International Relief Teams, 619-284-7979

27.  Lutheran World Relief, 800-597-5972

28.  Medical Teams International, 800-959-4325

29.  Meds and Foods for Kids, 314-420-1634

30.  Mennonite Central Committee, 888-563-4676

31.  Mercy Corps, 888-256-1900

32.  Operation Blessing, 800-730-2537

33.  Operation USA, 800-678-7255

34.  Oxfam, 800-776-9326

35.  Partners in Health, 617-432-5298

36.  Rural Haiti Project, 347-405-5552

37.   The Salvation Army, 800-725-2769

38.   Samaritan’s Purse, 828-262-1980

39.  Save the Children, 800-728-3843

40.  UN Central Emergency Response Fund

41.  UNICEF, 800-367-5437

42.  World Concern, 800-755-5022

43.  World Hope International, 888-466-4673

44.  World Relief, 800-535-5433

45.  World Vision, 888-511-6548

Our hearts go out to the victims of this terrible tragedy and we will continue to keep them in our prayers.

Negotiating in Your Modern Family

People routinely bargain and negotiate with one another.  Each person will take their position, argue their points and try to make concessions thereafter in order to negotiate or bargain for a productive outcome to fit their needs.  This analogy holds true for today’s modern family as well.  In particular, bio parents negotiate with one another regarding issues of custody and visitation and often children of divorce use bargaining to effectuate their wants and needs between their parents as well.

As we all know, bargaining can of course also be a useful tool.  However, it can at times work against us and become inefficient when dealing with modern family issues.  For example, instead of following the court order regarding visitation (i.e., during holidays and school breaks), one parent or the other often re-negotiates the original agreement with the expectation that it will please everyone, only to be disappointed when the outcome goes awry.   In this case, bargaining and negotiating the court order probably did more harm than good.  As such, to avoid these type of issues, following the established court order is the best way to go.

Another example of ineffective bargaining is bargaining over positions in your modern family.  For example, your wife has made an arrangement with her ex-husband and hasn’t consulted you.  You state your position that you should be involved in every decision regardless of whether the outcome affects you personally or not when in fact, if the the outcome doesn’t involve you, it really isn’t necessary that the issue be discussed with you.  However, this type of positional bargaining will always become a battle.  Your husband won’t give in and you won’t either and now you have an all out war on your hands.  Each task after that becomes conflicted because you both don’t want to change your positions.  After which, the result ends in resentment and the original concern that got you there in the first place often get lost in space.  Positional bargaining in your marriage can be detrimental for the mere fact that we are  humans and we have strong emotions.  Often, however, we allow our emotions to take over our perception of the actual issue or problem we are faced with.  This particularly holds true for members of today’s modern family.  If we decide to attack the problem instead of the person, we have effectively taken the “bargaining position” out of the problem and we can then effectively negotiate.  As long as we are not owning problems that aren’t ours to own. 

Lesson:  Bargain or negotiate only over things that you can control within your family.

Furthermore, we have to keep in mind that negotiating in a bio/nuclear family is totally different than negotiating or bargaining in a modern/step family. In a bio/nuclear family, there are two adults with whom to negotiate and consider, and that’s the two biological parents. In a modern/step family there are at least three and sometimes four or more adults with whom to negotiate and consider, which often times makes negotiating way more difficult.   The paradigm that I like to describe this with is it would be like playing chess with the rules of checkers.  Communicating issues, concerns and options with the members of your modern family is fantastic and healthy, but knowing when the bargaining tactic is not useful helps as well.

One of the best books I have ever read on this issue is titled “Getting to Yes - Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In” by Roger Fisher and William Ury.  I read this book years ago when I was having issues with my ex.  The book says, and I quote, “how you see the world depends on where you sit.”  That is the most powerful statement in the book.  The authors go on to say that each person in conflict usually can only see their side of a problem and also only see the faults of the other, however, it is the ability to see the situation as the other person sees it (whether it is your husband or wife, ex-spouses, children or step-children), as difficult as that may may be, is one of the most important values and skills you can ever possess.

Helping a child cope with a parent’s death

The most difficult life changing event for any child is the loss of a parent.  During this time of loss, it is difficult to know exactly what your child is feeling because so many emotions are taking their toll on the entire family.   Unfortunately, I have had an up close and personal view of this situation.  I had to help my own children cope with the loss of their father.  At the time, my children were 10 and 9.

Trying to explain death is never easy, but is one that is especially hard to explain to children.  Children have a very literal view of the world.  My children saw death as being something that happened to ”old” people and their dad was young.  Although at 10 and 9, they knew that someone could die or pass away, and they understood what a funeral was, they didn’t seem to understand the finality of it, and had a hard time coming to terms with that.  This is very common amongst children under 13.  However, a teenager may view this experience on a whole different level.  Teenagers understand that eventually everyone dies.  In dealing with their pain, they may have bouts of anger, depression and constant worry.   In some cases, teenagers develop fears about their own individual mortality and the mortality of their surviving parent and siblings, even becoming extremely anxious about it.  My son went through this experience far into his teenage years.  All of these issues are very natural for a child/teenager who is dealing with the death of a parent.

I wanted to share some of the ways I helped my children to cope with their fathers death with you readers.  I know it is a touchy subject, but one that I feel is extremely important.  Here are a few helpful items that I used and a few that I researched as well, all of which are very helpful:

1.  Be honest with your children about their feelings.   If they are in their room screaming and crying — let them.   If they are angry for a while — understand them and allow them to express it.  The worst thing that can happen to them has become a reality.  They have to be able to express themselves in order to move on.   Remind them that they will not be judged for their emotions.

2.  Get them good grief counseling.  This is one of the most important things you can do for your child.  I learned so much from my childrens’ grief counselor about the way their minds were handling this pain and what I could expect that they would be going through in the near future.  It helped me to be a more prepared parent and allowed me to help them more than I could have on my own.

3.  Keep them grounded. Try to keep their lives moving as they were before.  Get them back on their same schedules with activities as soon as you can.  Obviously, a very important part of their life has changed, but keeping some of their normal activities the same will help them carry on and will give them back a little normalcy that they are used to.  Do not isolate them.

4.  Patience.  Very important.  Have plenty of it.  Remember, a child’s parent is their safety net.  When mom or dad  is taken away from them suddenly, they can feel like their life is crashing around them.  Be honest with them and reinforce to them that you love them and that the family will get through this together.  Reinforce to them that it will take time, but you have all of the time in the world for them.

5.  Memories.  When the time is right, allow them to have special mementos (i.e., for a teen maybe their parents drivers license), a watch, pictures, or a special piece of jewelry.  This is a way to allow your children to keep their parent close.  Allow them to do volunteer work in honor of their parent.

6.  Share your spiritual beliefs. Sharing your families spiritual beliefs and explaining the meanings to them will help ease their pain.

Mourning the loss of a parent is a life-long process, one that does not come easy.   As some have already experienced and as others can only imagine, the pain never goes away completely.  By being understanding, giving them space and time to heal and having patience with them, they will learn to come through it, I promise.

If you are a parent who’s lost a spouse or your child is dealing with the loss of a parent and would like more private help on this issue, please feel free to email me at diane@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.  I would be more than willing to share my experience and offer my help.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Top 25 New Year’s Resolutions Every Stepfamily Should Make

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Stepmother Should Make:

1. I will carve out 30 minutes a day just for me. Whether it’s taking a walk, reading a book, relaxing in a bubble bath or watching my favorite television show, I will make sure to make some “ME” time.
2. I will resolve not to make EVERYBODY IN THE STEPFAMILY’S problems my own by focusing on “fixing” something that I didn’t break in the first place.
3. I will not force the issue of being one big happy family and instead, allow my relationship with my stepchildren to naturally evolve (whether that takes 2 years or 10 years).
4. I will support my husband and offer advice when and if necessary, but ultimately allow him to handle issues with his ex-wife and trust that he will make decisions that are best for our marriage and family.
5. I will not blame the ex-wife for issues that MY HUSBAND can control. For example, if he goes over to fix her kitchen sink, I won’t be upset with her for asking. I’ll be upset with HIM for going.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Divorced Mom Should Make:

1. I will NOT make my issues with the divorce, my ex-husband’s remarriage and/or his wife, my childrens’ issues.
2. I will reclaim and embrace my sense of independence.
3. I will carve out 30 minutes a day just for me. Whether it’s taking a walk, reading a book, relaxing in a bubble bath or watching my favorite television show, I will make sure to make some “ME” time.
4. I will not intrude upon or attempt to control my ex-husband’s household just because my children go over for visitation.
5. I will encourage and support my childrens’ relationships with their father, stepmother and any half or step-siblings that they have.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Remarried Dad Should Make:

1. I will demand the same positive behavior from my children that I did prior to the divorce and not overcompensate out of guilt. No more permissive parenting!
2. I will honor and protect my marriage and not allow any issues that I encounter with my ex-wife to wreak havoc on my marriage.
3. I will realize that I don’t have to share every little thing with my ex-wife just because we share children together. She does not get an all access pass into my life just because we share a child, no matter how she tries to convince me otherwise.
4. I will nurture my marriage instead of nurturing my divorce.
5. I will never take my wife for granted and make every effort to understand her position in our family.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Divorced Parents Should Make:

1. We will work to communicate effectively in order to co-parent our children.
2. We realize that divorce means that although we are co-parenting partners, we are no longer life partners, and it’s completely okay for us to lead totally separate lives.
3. We will emotionally disengage ourselves from the divorce and each other, and allow our intellect, not our emotions to dictate what’s best for our children.
4. Whenever possible, we will work to be on the same page regarding discipline and other areas in which we need to present a unified front for our children.
5. We will not work tirelessly to alter our childrens’ reality and instead, move past the divorce so that our children can do the same.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Remarried Couple Should Make:

1. We will carve out at least one night per month that is just for us. Whether it is sitting at home watching our favorite movie, going out for dinner and a movie or just sitting by the fire and talking, we will make sure that we have date night.
2. We will not allow our respective emotional baggage and the drama of our divorces to consume every aspect of our marriage.
3. We will realize that maintaining our present marriage is much more important that “fixing” our divorces.
4. We will make decisions that affect our household together and realize that neither one of our ex-spouses get a vote on certain matters.
5. We will develop a co-parenting policy for our household and work to present a unified front to any children that reside there, be it part-time or full-time.

Overall, stepfamilies should use the new year to start fresh and focus on moving forward instead of constantly looking back. Remember, to learn from your past, but don’t live in it and then move on! It is what’s healthy for everyone, including your children.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

(Step)Parenting Lessons

It has been said that everything we learn and experience is a lesson from which we ultimately profit. One might ask, how can one learn from a painful experience such as separation or divorce? At times, even a spouse’s remarriage can prove itself painful for an ex-spouse.

Learning from our lessons can seem an impossible task but not so, if one can learn to let go of control. There are numerous things that we feel we must control. For example, a custodial parent may feel the need to control every aspect of the relationship that their child shares with the non-custodial parent. They pad you down, to not just the hour, but every extra minute that you may spend with your child outside of your normal visitation time. Instead of embracing the idea of your child benefiting from the extra time, they scoff at the idea, not just with words at times, but also with attitudes that your child ends up the recipient of. That parent feels that if they release any bit of control, the relationship they share with their child will disseminate or slip away. In my opinion, that view is quite the contrary. The more you release control and rid yourself of those issues, the more you will gain out of your own relationship with your child. Hanging on for dear life to control issues only causes detriment to you and your child(ren). When you find yourself clinging to issues about what you think is in the best interest of your child, you are really only hanging on to what you think is in your own best interest. You are not thinking about your child at all. The issue is with you! Let go of the control.

Lesson that can be learned from this experience is: your child will become a more productive, kind, well-rounded adult by having both of his/her parents fully involved with his/her life and will never have a reason to resent you in the long run.

Our lessons and experiences teach us that life can be so much easier when we decide to give up unrealistic control, views and ideas. One of the major mistakes that step-parents make is holding on to unrealistic expectations about the relationships they may or may not end up sharing with their step-child(ren). For example, as a step-parent, you cannot expect that you are going to share the same relationship with your step-child(ren) that you share with your own children. You are a step-parent, not their parent. Another example of a step-parent issue is going overboard during visitation , trying very hard to make sure that you are giving your step-child(ren) everything that they want all of the time because you think that will bring you closer to them. This is an unrealistic idea. What is realistic is if you show them comfort and love all of the time, and listen to them when they feel the need to confide in you. Remember, the best adventures in your step-parenting experience begin with simple things like, trust, hope, family and love. Let go of the control. By doing so, you will never regret the love you accept or give to your step-child.

The lesson one can take from this experience: is that you will gain an enormous gift from the unwavering love from a child that you may not have given birth to or helped create, but a relationship that gives you more happiness than you know, and one that you will cherish and continue profit from for the rest of your life.

In today’s modern family, another unrealistic expectation (which is a form of control) is feeling like you have to be the “fixer” of everything and everyone. The title “people pleaser” is an understatement. You are not perfect, therefore, you cannot fix everything and everyone, and trying to do that all the time is really your own way of trying to control everyone. Accept that nothing and no relationship is ever going to be perfect, whether that relationship be with your husband, wife, ex-spouse, divorced mom, step-child(ren), step-parent and even with your own child(ren).

Choosing to let go of control helps us to grow our souls. Being in touch with our own expectations and realizations allows us to not only profit ourselves, but allows us to give more of ourselves to the other important people in our lives.

Di

Top Quotes of 2009 from BFSO writers and friends

We here at Blended Family Soap Opera are excited about the upcoming year! We look forward to providing more information, products and services to many modern families. From stepfamilies to single parent homes and from households with same sex parents to grandparents raising grandchildren, we aim to reach a wider range of modern families in the months to come.

That being said, we have immensely enjoyed the past year and a half and are so blessed to have received the support we have received thus far. From readers to guest bloggers, we want you to know that we have learned from each and everyone of you, too! As a matter of fact, we have included some memorable quotes from not only our BFSO writers, but from readers and guest bloggers as well. Check them out below and know that we look forward to continuing our connection with you in 2010.

Top Quotes of 2009

1. “What you call yourselves and how people refer to you as a family greatly impacts your children, who are constantly trying to figure out where and how they fit into your modern family.” ~Kela Price
2. “Divorce can leave children feeling like defectors.” ~Diane Greene
3. “Divorce is war and unfortunately, some parents live in constant entanglements with their ex-spouses and they shift aside the issues that post-divorce can leave on the shoulders of their children.”  ~Diane Greene
4. “Divorce is a journey that the children involved do not ask to take. They are forced along for a ride where the results are dictated by the road their parents decide to travel.” ~Diane Greene
5. “Although stepfamilies rarely make as smooth transition as the Bradys, it is possible to successfully blend a family. It depends on how and when you start and what you put in the blender.” ~Kela Price
6. “Think of it as an important business project; you don’t always love the person that you’re working with, but you work together to get the project done. Co-parents need to adopt this same business model when co-parenting their children.” ~Kela Price
7. “There is this double standard by which we suspect stepmothers of being wicked and selfish, yet expect them to be utterly selfless and loving to kids who are not their own, kids who are often hostile and rejecting for many years in spite of a stepmother’s best efforts and intentions.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
8. “I prefer the term “wife” to “current wife” or “new wife.” It’s more accurate and less loaded, I think. There’s a wife and an ex-wife (or partner and ex-partner). Period.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
9. “Stepmothers need to put their own adjustment and self-care first, rather than siphoning energy away from that to “fix” something that you didn’t break yourself.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
10. “Put your own happiness, your own mental health and your marriage or partnership first and without guilt.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
11. “In my view, no one in this country should be able to practice family therapy without undertaking training and certification by a body such as the National Stepfamily Resource Center.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
12. “We have created a blended family culture centered around only one perspective and clearly, it’s not working.” ~Kela Price
13. “It’s important for wives and ex-wives to realize that you don’t have to be the arch rival or the best friend with the each other. There is a middle ground and often times, that’s the safest position to be in.” ~Kela Price
14. “It sickens me to believe that long ago, the women before us were able to collaboratively strive for success in the arenas of political activism and social justice. When they told us we couldn’t vote, we banned together. We also banned together to demand our respect amongst our male counterparts in corporate America. Yet, when it comes to what should be most important to us, our families, we just can’t seem to work together, or just refrain from trying to tear each other completely apart.” ~Kela Price
15. “Dealing with a failed relationship is like grieving a life you once knew, but will never have again, and that’s hard to deal with.” ~Kela Price
16. “The control efforts are part of the battle that some divorced parents need to avoid, including the subtle ones. Subtle suggestions that we are upset, dissatisfied with, or angry at the other parent… such as huffing at the mention of their name, going silent in a conversation that includes mention of them, snide gestures or facial expressions, subtle sarcasm then quick insincere apology, or allowing kids to “over hear” conversations between adults about the other parent with whom we are at odds are not overt badmouthing. They are far sneakier than that, but equally damaging.” ~Chaz,  Reader and Blogger,
17. “The role of best friend is truly an evolving relationship where two people choose to remain close because of the foundation of trust they have created. The current spouse/ex spouse relationship is not a choice, but it has been forced upon both parties with conflicting views and strong feelings of the person in the middle (ex husband/current husband).”  ~Jenny, reader
18. “Making sure the kids suffer the least amount of damage possible and that includes their stability in both households (chores and creating and/or maintaining relationships with all parents) truly takes ALL parents. It also decreases the children’s chances of using any “divide and conquer” strategies against their parents. When parents present a unified front, that child has boundaries and more importantly, he or she realizes that EVERYONE is working together for their best interest.” ~Kela Price
19. “As I’ve learned firsthand, a divorce decree (or any court order) is only as good as the people who have to abide by it. Unfortunately, threatening to take someone “back to court” isn’t much of a threat at all, and often ends up costing you more money (legal fees) and the judge simply telling the person to do what they are refusing to do in the first place with no other repercussions, but by then you’re months removed from the breach in the first place.” ~ Unheeded Prophetess, reader, attorney and blogger
20. “Divorce is hard. It’s difficult to close a chapter in a book that you thought you’d be writing forever, but it can be just as exciting and rewarding to write a whole new book.” ~Kela Price
21. “Check your emotional baggage before you board the plane [blended family]. This is not Southwest Airlines so you can check more than one bag. Now just because you can’t bring it on the plane doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t deal with it. You just have to deal with it in a way that doesn’t affect everyone else on the plane.” ~Kela Price
22. “After expectations comes acceptance.” ~Kela Price
23. “Life is too short not to live in peace.” ~Diane Greene
24. “The root cause of people pleasing is fear of rejection, and this fear can create a very damaging pattern of behavior in our lives. Setting healthy boundaries is learning when to say NO. Self-care, even for the stepmother, is not a wicked thing.” ~Kela Price
25. “It’s so important to offer good advice to stepmothers if we are ever to truly help stepfamilies flourish.” ~Kela Price
26. “Stepmothers, I urge you to take your power back. Your husband’s divorce was not your fault and it isn’t your responsibility to fix. You can be understanding and supportive without being everyone’s punching bag.” ~Kela Price
27. “Part of knowing ourselves is also being able to accept who we are and to value ourselves regardless of our flaws. Accepting who we are allows us to value our worth without conditions or reservations.” ~Diane Greene
28. “I do not like the title of counselor. I’d much rather be viewed as a friend who is willing to be an open book regarding her journey so that you can learn while on yours.” ~Kela Price
29. “The most important thing a remarried couple can do is intently listen and try to understand their spouse’s perception of reality.” ~Kela Price
30. “Don’t Stew! Good rarely comes of dwelling on problems.” ~Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness
31. “Fathers must be supported and encouraged in the family instead of being in continuous opposition with the mother and/or the legal system.” ~Kela Price
32. “Having a controlling, angry ex-spouse can make co-parenting seem like an extreme sport.” ~Kela Price
33. “Don’t blame yourself. Ending a marriage because your spouse comes out of the closet is one instance where you cannot be held at fault. Take whatever comfort you can in that.” ~Carol Schwanda, reader and blogger
34. “Blended families don’t fail, remarriages do.” ~Kela Price
35. “One of the most beneficial results of self-care is an increased ability to love others which allows us to care for ourselves more gently and completely.” ~Sue Patton Thoele, author of The Courage to be a Stepmom
36. “Children live what they learn.” ~Diane Greene
37. “Don’t marry someone who you can’t see yourself being divorced from.” ~Kela Price
38. “Mediation is no place to deal with hurt feelings. The purpose of the legal system, including the mediation process, is to provide resolution to true legal disputes, not to avenge wrongdoing, seek validation, or keep the other party in a person’s life (as dysfunctional as that involvement is).” ~Unheeded Prophetess, blogger, reader and attorney
39. “Is it more important and beneficial to show your kids what a healthy marriage or divorce looks like?” ~Kela Price
40. “In a society where 50% of first marriages and 67% of second marriages end in divorce, more time needs to be spent on nurturing our marriages as opposed to nurturing our divorces.” ~Kela Price
41. “To me, the difference between a good marriage and a great marriage is conviction.” ~Diane Greene
42. “The key to effective co-parenting is establishing realistic expectations and healthy boundaries, and to go slow and allow the relationships to organically evolve instead of forcing the issue of everyone being one big happy family.” ~Kela Price
43. “Creating traditions in the blended family promote unity and a sense of belonging.” ~Diane Greene
44. “Often times the adults want to use the children as excuses for pushing their way in, due to their own hidden agendas. Please be realistic and honest about your own agendas that have absolutely nothing to do with the child. You know that the child never benefits from having his whole family together, if they are constantly at each others’ throats.” ~Kela Price
45. “There is simply nothing like a fellow journeyer who has or is traveling the same road. All the kings horses and all the kings men could not help the compulsive behavior of alcoholics, yet when 2 drunks got together and began helping one another back in 1935, AA was born and spread throughout the world.” ~Chaz, reader and blogger

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