It’s All About YOU!

Like many women, I have often wondered what it really means to take care of myself.  Two months after my 20th birthday, I became a mom.  It felt like, for so many years, that my life was defined by motherhood.  I fully engaged myself in being a mom.  My world revolved around my boys instead of my world revolving around what made me happy, content and joyful.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mother and I wouldn’t change that for anything the world could offer me, but it took a long time to realize that being  a mother was only one part of who I was.

Like many women, we tend to sit and fester in our worries, our thoughts, our perceptions of what our lives “should” be like.  We fight what is right and that is the mere fact that if we are not healthy both mentally, physically and emotionally, we cannot and will not be able to effectively be all we can be to our children, spouses and family.  Each day, as we lose ourselves more in everyone elses’ lives, we lose a bit of who we are.  We validate our feelings by thinking that it is only right to put everyone before ourselves and we continue to “stuff away” our feelings and emotions and we all know that when the volcano erupts, there is no where left to hide!  When we make the choice to neglect ourselves, we forget to shuffle the deck and the only cards that are left in our hand are that of stress, pain, depression, anxiety and sorrow.

Over the past few years, I have really made an effort to discover what it really means to love myself unconditionally.  I am taking stock in creating and decorating a fresh canvas that I call ME!  For example, in 2008, I joined Today’s Modern Family and I was able to use this as a vehicle for expressing my thoughts and sharing them with others in hopes that I might be able to reach one person through my experiences.  You readers have returned my investment ten fold!  Another example is I decided that I need time to myself.  If it means I pick my own little space in my small house to hang a sign and say DO NOT DISTURB, then that’s what I do.  It’s in this alone time that I listen to myself.  I use this time to write, to read, to embrace myself and, most importantly, to slow down and acknowledge the changes that are taking place in my life and/or evaluate what changes need to take place in my life.

When we make it “all about us”and reconnect with ourselves for a little while, we suddenly are able to view our situations differently.  This allows us to reframe and redirect our emotions and ultimately our situations.  It’s the same picture, you just  make the choice to view it differently which in turn gives you a chance to change the outcome.  Evaluation is really key.  We don’t evaluate enough because we are so geared to reacting first.  Taking our own time allows for evaluation.  Whether our situations be about ourselves and our spouses, our work situation, etc., we discover that we find more courage to handle them.

Here are a few tips on making it “all about you:”

• Find a special space in your house that you can make off-limits to everyone else.  Use it!
• Pray or meditate.
• Travel.  Escape somewhere you’ve never been. Plan a trip for yourself or you and your spouse alone.
• Lean into your fears.  Don’t temporarily bandage them.  If you need some help, seek it.  Anxiety, depression and worry can be overwhelming and its OK to seek help.
• Pamper yourself once a month.  It’s crucial.  Get a mani/pedi or a new hairdo.  It’s so worth it.
• Find a hobby that makes you happy.
• Exercise and eat healthier.
• Speak up for yourself.  Don’t let resentment build in your relationships.  Your spouse or significant other cannot read your mind.  Speak up!
• Stay on track with what is important to you.
• Seek support.
• Get plenty of sleep.
• Lead by example.  Remember, your children are watching you.  If you teach them that taking care of yourself doesn’t matter, they won’t do it for themselves either.

TMF Readers remember this…just like your car can’t run on fumes, neither can you.  If your gas gauge is always registering empty and you don’t take time to fill your tank, where will you and your life end up?  Stranded!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Begin 2012 In Style!

Let’s start the New Year off right when it comes to preparing you to be “on trend” with your style. Color is always important but it is even more important to wear what looks best on you (always trumps a trend – always!) but it is also good to know what is going on around you when it comes to trends and how to adapt them to fit you and your own personal style.

PANTONE (here comes the legal jargon directly quoted from their web site) is the world-renowned authority on color and provider of color systems and leading technology for the selection and accurate communication of color across a variety of industries. The PANTONE® name is known worldwide as the standard language for color communication from designer to manufacturer to retailer to customer. They have chosen “the it” color of 2012 – drum roll please . . . 17-1463 Tangerine Tango!!! For most, this means a subsidiary of orange. For the fashion community we wait with baited breath like we are waiting to hear the award for best picture at the Oscars each and every year – then cheer with glee when it is finally revealed. After that the race is on to find things in our own closets (and those close to us) that are in this hot new shade. If none prevail then it’s a shopping we must go.

I know you are thinking “oh goodness I don’t look good in anything orange”. I did too! What I did cheerfully find was that I did like this Tangerine Tango color and that I didn’t look half bad in it either. There are so many ways to incorporate this latest “it” color into your wardrobe without having to wear it from head to toe. Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize!

1.   Skinny belt – the perfect way to add a splash of color to the LBD (Little Black Dress) or to any neutral without going overboard. Plus a skinny belt is “in” right now in itself.

2.   Statement Jewelry.  Adding statement jewelry in the latest color to spruce up any outfit and, again, look like you have known for days what the hottest color of the year is.

3.   Scarves.  There are endless ways to wear scarves – which leads me to my next point. Find a scarf with the color incorporated in it and pair it (in your hair, around your waist, in a feminine bow around your neck) with a white T, jeans, and a hot hot shoe. Or find a scarf that is entirely one color and add it around the strap of your handbag for a “pop” of color with any ensemble.

4.   Shoes.  My very favorite piece of fashion fame is the shoe. Oh how I adore shoes —but I must digress. Grab a shoe with the “it” color in it or go bold and get a shoe that IS the “it” color and use it to jazz up a monochromatic look – all black, all white, all grey, all beige, – you get the point. My preference is a 6” platform but flats are a great way to stay comfy and in style at the same time.

5.   Handbags.  Don’t forget the clutch! Pick up an adorable clutch handbag and you will find out fast that not only are you so chic but you don’t need as much in your purse as you thought – new year new outlook.

6.   Cosmetics.  Go crazy and try this shade in a new lip gloss or lip stick. Make-Up is one of the greatest accessories and it comes off if you don’t like it – no harm no foul right?

Fashion and personal style is all about having fun above all. Remember to go with what feels right and what makes you happy. You are the one who has to wear it and you want items that make you feel amazing every time you put them on.

Julia Rutland
Aesthetic Design Style House

Julia Rutland is the Founder and Owner of Aesthetic Design Style House located in Indianapolis, Indiana.  For more information about Julia, her company and the services she has to offer, please visit her website at: www.aestheticdesignstyle.com.

Happy New Year – 2012!

TMF Readers, Kela and I want to thank you for being such loyal readers throughout the past year and most importantly, we want to wish you and your families all of the peace, joy and goodwill that your hearts desire.  May your New Year be the best year yet for you and it is our hope that you will continue to come to our site and enjoy what is upon our hearts to share with each and every one of you.  Kela and I have had a tremendous year filled with our share of mishaps but the joy certainly outweighed the bad and we are better women, mothers, sibilings, parents, step-parents and spouses for it.

In the coming year, we are hoping to give you more.  Kela is diligently working on the fabulous Joyful Mind Project and you readers will be absolutely amazed.  Kela and I will continue to keep Todays Modern Family your “go to” place for advice and great articles on the sensitive issues facing blended families today.

As 2011 closes, both Kela and I want to thank our readers for their continued support.   In closing, as Edith Lovejoy Pierce once quoted….”We will open the book.  Its pages are blank.  We are going to put words on them ourselves.  The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”

Peace & Blessings for a Wonderful New Year!

Diane and Kela

Simplifying the Holidays-Part II

Is there anything simple about the holidays?  For most of us, the holidays provide us with some of our most precious memories but along with that also some very stressful moments.  With that being said, I wanted to talk about stress, shortcuts and finally relief so that you can do exactly what you want this season and that is make those memories and simplify, simplify, simplify!

Let’s talk about some shortcuts that will lead us to that ever important relief.   One thing that really begins my stress is right after Thanksgiving, I am thinking about my Christmas card list.

Shortcut:  E-Cards.  Sending e-cards is an easy alternative to the stress of getting a holiday picture, writing out cards and not to mention the expense of mailing same.  Sending e-cards may not be as personal as some may like, but it is definitely less stressful and, in my opinion, that is reason enough to use this shortcut.  In fact, during this economic downturn, I am noticing more and more folks are using e-cards, including many businesses.

Another thing to take into consideration during the holidays is remembering not to do too much.  Moderation is the key word.  Try not to overdo your schedule.  Don’t pack too much into your day.

Shortcut:  To Do List.  Too much of a good thing, whether it be the holidays or not, is not too good for you.  Drafting a “to-do list” and sticking to it will help you navigate your priorities during the season.   Incorporating the “to-do” list will relieve you from the feeling stressed and instead leave you feeling like you accomplished exactly what you set out to do.

As we all know, the holidays can become very commercialized.  The holiday season is meant to bring togetherness and love and sometimes we tend to forget how important it is not to focus on just what we “receive or give” but to remember why we are really celebrating.  Don’t overspend.  The price tag isn’t important.  What is important is how we create our memories.

Shortcut:  Set a Spending Limit.  This year, we decided to set and stick to a spending limit.  Obviously, your limit is entirely up to your individual financial situation.  Another great shortcut in this area is to give out homemade gifts.  I, myself, do this every year.  I change the recipients each year but for me, it feels extra-special to do something personal for someone.

Believe it or not, due to incorporating these shortcuts, I am pretty much done with all of my Christmas shopping and it’s not even Thanksgiving.  Granted, this took a lot of organization on my part this year, but instead of stressing all the way into the month of December, I wanted to make sure I was ahead of the game so that I could enjoy a stress-free season.

I hope that all of you will incorporate these stress relievers so that you can get outside, enjoy the season and all that it includes.  Get to the real fun and that is making memories with your children, decorating, baking and loving the holidays!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Simplifying The Holidays-Part I

The holiday season is my favorite time of the year.  However, trying to organize can be an uphill battle.  This year, I have decided to post a series called Simplifying the Holidays with this post being Part I.   Today, shopping has been heavy on my mind — well, it’s always on my mind, but holiday shopping is different.  As I was perusing one my very favorite websites www.mymerrychristmas.com, I came across a fabulous blog post by B. Francis Morlan on the subject of Black Friday where she gives 5 very good reasons why us saavy shoppers should avoid it.  I was amazed!  Yes, TMF Readers, in the past, I have been part of the thousands that hit the stores as early as 3:00 a.m. waiting in line for a good deal on the day after Thanksgiving.  However, after reading these five tips, I may just decide to forego this year and get my highly underrated sleep in!  I hope you enjoy the article as much as I did. 

To the savvy shopper we advise: stop. Sleep in. Forget about the so-called big deals.

Here are five reasons to avoid Black Friday:

1. The Big Deals Aren’t That Big a Deal – A 36-inch flat screen television for $300 might see like a mighty tempting deal. So too that $200 laptop. The deals even might seem crazy enough to cause you to camp out on concrete for 24-hours or more in sub-zero weather. Don’t buy into it. A cheap laptop is just that – cheap. Chances are it won’t last until next Thanksgiving. And if you’re going to make a purchase for a major appliance chances are you’ll find a better deal on what you really want in October, especially in electronics. That is when merchants want to really clear the shelves to make room for holiday merchandise.

2. Biggest Bait-n-Switch Day of the Year – Every ad is going to say “limited to quantities on hand”. Often, especially for the more attractively priced stuff, those quantities are very limited. 50 laptops for a line of 1000 people are not going to last long. Retailers love getting people in with a low price – and then showing them alternatives after selling out on the hot stuff within minutes. With crowds anxious for a deal the percentages are in their favor that a shopper looking for a bargain – any bargain – in the competitive rush of early morning shopping is going to drop money on something they didn’t intend to buy.

3. Great Price, No Rain Checks – For many retailers standing in that line in the near-winter weather means nothing. Yes, they’ve got great prices advertised. But once they are out they are out – and unlike ordinary everyday sales Black Friday sales offer no guarantee, no overstock and no rain checks.

4. Better Deals Online – Start shopping online the Monday before Thanksgiving. Online retailers want to cash in on Black Friday too and they work a lot harder during Thanksgiving week to get your attention and your money. Amazon in particular has refined the art of getting folks to stay in their jammies to shop – at all hours, too. And there’s no shoving online.

5. Holiday Return Policies Kick In – just as the deals on Black Friday are an exception so too are the holiday return policies. Some retailers will only let you return product at the sale price – regardless of whether or not you have a receipt. Others are charging now a “re-stocking fee”. Investigate the return policy before you spend – by law they have to post it.

The best way to avoid Black Friday is to do your shopping well in advance of the holiday shopping season. The deals are exceptional from just before Labor Day to Halloween. Retailers are clearing out early year models and marking down to drive sales traffic. They have to. Mid-September to mid-November is one of the weakest shopping periods of the year. And there are deals aplenty.

Black Friday is festive event, sure enough, and for many just spending time with family and friends amongst the chaos is fun in and of itself. And if that’s your thing, great – just leave the wallet and especially the credit cards at home.

Personal Reflections for a Joyful Mind

With the holidays fast approaching, I, like many of you readers, end up doing a lot of self-reflection of not just the past year that flew by, but about what I want to do differently next year, what I want to change about myself and remembering those special people that have gone from us too soon.

As I have stated many times, by the time I was 31, I was widowed with 3 children.  I had lost my husband, older brother and grandfather all within a two year period.  Of course, that was over 12 years ago now, but in my reflections, I have come realize how far I have actually come in my life since that stressful time.  I am writing this post with The Joyful Mind Project on my heart with hopes to maybe spark some of you readers who may also be reflecting in your own way.  Maybe you suffer from anxiety as I did after my experiences, maybe you suffer from depression or maybe you just are overworked and overwhelmed and you feel like your world is crashing around you.  In my experience, getting through and getting to the point of reflection came first by way of acceptance.  Just plain and simply accepting life as it is.  Going thru this process can be nothing less than devastating but it is reality.

Accepting life right where you are, all of the bad, the ugly and the good is essential.  It’s really about deciding to “surrender” what you “think” your life is or should be at that moment and choosing to accept and change.  It has been written that…..”Life is not the way it’s supposed to be.  It is the way it is.  The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”   The way we cope.  What a powerful statement.  Of course, the way we each individually cope is always going to be different, but for me, it took a good long time.  I had a catch phrase that I told myself often and it was this…”If you can cope, you have hope.”  Cliche, I know but it worked for me.

Once you begin to accept that you are right where you are supposed to be at this moment, your whole perspective will begin to change.  You will decide at that moment to devise a different relationship with the problem at hand.  I tell my coaching clients all of the time that if they focus only on what is wrong with their blended family then that will be their reality because at that point, they aren’t “choosing” to fix the problem.  Their words have not become impeccable.  They haven’t gotten to acceptance yet.  Accept there is a problem, get help and do your best to fix it.  See the problem differently instead of letting it debilitate you.

TMF Readers, when you are going thru acceptance, remember to not allow your emotions to consume you.  You never have to follow or obey your emotions.  You can choose to manage them.  Don’t give all of your power away to your emotions because it is then that they can take over your life.

It is very empowering to accept that where you are right now doesn’t have to be your whole life.  Your perspective can change as long as you don’t allow yourself to continually focus on the “wrong” and focus on what you can change to make it “right.”  Choice is a powerful tool.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Diane’s Easy & Scrumptious Pumpkin Pie

TMF Readers, with the holidays quickly approaching, I wanted to give you a few really quick recipes that will make your life in the kitchen so much easier. 

One of my great childhood memories is that of a good piece of pumpkin pie.  Needless to say, I have been indulging already by getting a jump start on my baking.  Below is my fool-proof pumpkin pie recipe.  It is lovely, quick and yummy.  Enjoy!

Ingredients:

1 frozen pie shell (or you can make your own crust if you dare venture)
1 – 16 oz can of pureed pumpkin
1 – 14 oz can of sweet & condensed milk
(you can also use evaporated milk plus 1 cup of sugar if you don’t want to use sweet & condensed milk, but I like my pie more luscious)
2 eggs
1 teaspoon of pumpkin pie spice (or, you can substitute with 1/4 teaspoon of ground cloves, 1/2 teaspoon of nutmeg, 1/2 teaspoon of ginger and 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon).

Directions:

Preheat oven to 425 degrees.  Beat eggs, add pumpkin, sweet & condensed milk and spices and beat until smooth.  Pour batter into pie shell and bake at 425 degrees for 15 minutes.  Reduce the heat down to 350 degrees and cook for an additional 35-40 minutes.  Allow to completely cool on a baking rack and serve with whipped cream. 

Happy Holidays!

The Friends/Family Balance

This article was first published by Cynthia Hanson of Life and Beauty Weekly

The Beatles got it right: You can get by with a little help from your friends. Trouble is it’s tough to get their support if you don’t see them! So what to do when you haven’t had a girls’ night out in ages or your job leaves you feeling like you don’t have energy for your loved ones? Make a plan to get your life in a balance that includes both friends and family.

“Research shows that maintaining friendships increases longevity and boosts the immune system,” says Andrea Bonior, a licensed clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C., and author of The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing, Losing and Keeping up With Your Friends. “But it’s hard for many women to prioritize friendships because they don’t seem as crucial as our families, jobs and responsibilities.” Follow this stress-less plan to strike a better balance and stay connected with all the important people in your life.

1. Don’t settle for Facebook newsfeeds.

“Me” time is vital to self-care — and self-care is crucial to staying in balance and having the energy you need for your family. “Give yourself permission to talk on the phone with a friend or do something fun together — even if you have to plan it four weeks in advance,” says Bonior. “You may feel like you keep up with friends over Facebook, but you’re not getting the same emotional connection when you’re clicking and commenting on links. You need more sustained, face-to-face contact or voice contact.”

2. Keep family time separate.

Does your friend always call when you’re getting your preschooler ready for bed? Or when you and your husband are trying to relax after dinner? Solution: Be assertive and set boundaries.

“It’s OK to screen your calls and tell friends that your evenings are family time,” says Joyce Marter, a psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance LLC, a multisite counseling practice in Chicago. Let friends know when you’re free to dish — perhaps on your lunch hour or before you leave work. That way you won’t miss their latest news or your game of Monopoly with the kids.

3. Set a standing date.

It’s hard to coordinate a meet-up with a friend when your kids’ activities keep you hopping and chores keep you busy on weekends. Choose a day and time that fit your lifestyles and workloads — perhaps coffee at 3 p.m. on Wednesday, or brunch on the third Sunday of every month. Then stick to it, just as you would stick to a spinning class.

“Standing dates are also a good way to get a group of three or four friends together,” says Bonior. “It gets drilled into your brain that it’s something you want to do and should do.” Plus, by having it on your calendar, you’ll avoid all the back-and-forth “When are you free?” texts.

4. Be flexible.

Not big on breakfast, but 8:00 a.m. is the only time your friend is free? Take one for the team and nibble a bagel anyway. What counts is getting together — and it’s a guaranteed mood-booster. “When you connect and laugh with a friend, you know you’re not alone in dealing with life’s challenges,” says Marter.

5. Think small.

Back in the day, you lingered together over martinis and escaped to luxury spas. But those gal-pal outings aren’t realistic right now when you’re busy with family matters. So settle for close encounters of the quick kind. It’s better to squeeze in 45-minute lunch dates between client meetings than to have no F2F time at all!

Cosigners…or….True Friends?

The old saying goes like this….”A friend in need is a friend indeed.”  For a long time, I always thought that the meaning of true friendship was (1) someone who stands by your side no matter what, (2) someone who hurts when you hurt and (3) someone that tells you exactly what you want to hear when you need to hear it.

Well, in my more mature years, I have come to know that numbers 1 and 2 above are absolutely correct, but number 3 is more than a half truth.  As friends, especially as women, we need true friends and true friends are not what Kela and I call co-signers.  For example, there have been many times that I have needed advice and thought I was absolutely in the right in my thinking, in my feelings, my actions and my reactions.  Albeit, I may be one of the luckiest women in the world to have a friend like Kela that will not just tell me the truth, she will downright tell me when I am in the wrong.  Many times, I have had to be put in check and yes, it is hard to hear constructive criticism and it was far from what I really wanted to hear at the time, but was absolutely needed in order to move forward and in order to progress personally and professionally.  With these lessons, Kela has made me a better friend to her and to others.

Ladies, we need each other.  There are just things that our husbands don’t understand and our kids shouldn’t be privy to.  There are times when we need a good listening ear of a girlfriend.  However, that listening ear needs to be level for our own well-being.  As friends, we need to be comfortable in our skin to tell one another the whole truth and nothing but the truth without feeling the need to cosign.  Cosigning is not healthy for either party.  In fact, it accomplishes nothing but short term gratification and the end result usually backfires on you.

TMF Readers, true friends see you from the inside out.  They are by your side when we are not at our best.  A true friend stands by you even when you take a stance on something they might not think will work because they believe in your ideas.  They let you make your own mistakes so you can personally learn the lesson without them having to say “I told you so.”  A true friend loves you for who you are, not what you can do for them.  They stand beside you, they work with you.  A true friend knows all of the good about you and all of the not so good but could care less.

A true friend never cosigns for the simple reason of making you feel better, they give you the truth and leave their opinions aside because they know that their opinion may be biased toward you.

True friends are difficult to find, hard to leave and impossible to forget and I am truly blessed to have you Kela.  Thank you for allowing me to ride along on this journey with you.  Thank you for believing in my ability as a coach and as your friend.  I only hope that one day I can help you as much as you have helped me to be a better person.

Diane

Autumn – The Time for Harvest

“Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.” ~George Eliot

The above quote describes the way I feel about Autumn precisely.  If I could live in a perfect world it would be Autumn all year long.  During the time that Fall is marking the transition between summer into winter, my mind immediately takes me to the comfort of warm stews, crockpot slow cooking, crisp weather and walks in the park with crunchy leaves under my feet.  It takes me to the roads that travel the little country towns outside of my city and nestling in my own imagination what life was like in my grandparents generation during this time of year.  It’s about sitting at my son’s outdoor soccer games wrapped up in my blanket with my hot chocolate in one hand and cheering him on with the other.  Needless to say, Autumn is my favorite time of the year.  I am not sure why this season is so relevant for me to reminisce about my growing up, etc., but it really is a feel-good season for me.

As I mentioned above, a big part of my joy during this time of year is my love for cooking.  With that, in this post, I wanted to share with our readers one of my favorite Autumn/Fall recipes.  I hope you try it and enjoy!  Feel free to swing back to me and let me know how it worked for you.

Diane’s Smoked Sausage & Cabbage Stew

Ingredients:

1 head of green cabbage
6  potatoes peeled and quartered
1 small onion
2 packages smoked sausage
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1 tablespoon of margarine or butter
1-1/2 cup water
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon pepper

Dice or slice sausage in quarter inch pieces and place  in a pot.  Cover with water and add garlic, salt and pepper.  Simmer on medium heat until cooked through.  Remove sausage and set to side.  Keep water in the pot and set to the side.  Cut up cabbage and potatoes and add to water along with margarine or butter.  Place sausage back on top and cover until cabbage and potatoes are fork tender.  Serves 4.

Enjoy!

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