It’s All About YOU!

Like many women, I have often wondered what it really means to take care of myself.  Two months after my 20th birthday, I became a mom.  It felt like, for so many years, that my life was defined by motherhood.  I fully engaged myself in being a mom.  My world revolved around my boys instead of my world revolving around what made me happy, content and joyful.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mother and I wouldn’t change that for anything the world could offer me, but it took a long time to realize that being  a mother was only one part of who I was.

Like many women, we tend to sit and fester in our worries, our thoughts, our perceptions of what our lives “should” be like.  We fight what is right and that is the mere fact that if we are not healthy both mentally, physically and emotionally, we cannot and will not be able to effectively be all we can be to our children, spouses and family.  Each day, as we lose ourselves more in everyone elses’ lives, we lose a bit of who we are.  We validate our feelings by thinking that it is only right to put everyone before ourselves and we continue to “stuff away” our feelings and emotions and we all know that when the volcano erupts, there is no where left to hide!  When we make the choice to neglect ourselves, we forget to shuffle the deck and the only cards that are left in our hand are that of stress, pain, depression, anxiety and sorrow.

Over the past few years, I have really made an effort to discover what it really means to love myself unconditionally.  I am taking stock in creating and decorating a fresh canvas that I call ME!  For example, in 2008, I joined Today’s Modern Family and I was able to use this as a vehicle for expressing my thoughts and sharing them with others in hopes that I might be able to reach one person through my experiences.  You readers have returned my investment ten fold!  Another example is I decided that I need time to myself.  If it means I pick my own little space in my small house to hang a sign and say DO NOT DISTURB, then that’s what I do.  It’s in this alone time that I listen to myself.  I use this time to write, to read, to embrace myself and, most importantly, to slow down and acknowledge the changes that are taking place in my life and/or evaluate what changes need to take place in my life.

When we make it “all about us”and reconnect with ourselves for a little while, we suddenly are able to view our situations differently.  This allows us to reframe and redirect our emotions and ultimately our situations.  It’s the same picture, you just  make the choice to view it differently which in turn gives you a chance to change the outcome.  Evaluation is really key.  We don’t evaluate enough because we are so geared to reacting first.  Taking our own time allows for evaluation.  Whether our situations be about ourselves and our spouses, our work situation, etc., we discover that we find more courage to handle them.

Here are a few tips on making it “all about you:”

• Find a special space in your house that you can make off-limits to everyone else.  Use it!
• Pray or meditate.
• Travel.  Escape somewhere you’ve never been. Plan a trip for yourself or you and your spouse alone.
• Lean into your fears.  Don’t temporarily bandage them.  If you need some help, seek it.  Anxiety, depression and worry can be overwhelming and its OK to seek help.
• Pamper yourself once a month.  It’s crucial.  Get a mani/pedi or a new hairdo.  It’s so worth it.
• Find a hobby that makes you happy.
• Exercise and eat healthier.
• Speak up for yourself.  Don’t let resentment build in your relationships.  Your spouse or significant other cannot read your mind.  Speak up!
• Stay on track with what is important to you.
• Seek support.
• Get plenty of sleep.
• Lead by example.  Remember, your children are watching you.  If you teach them that taking care of yourself doesn’t matter, they won’t do it for themselves either.

TMF Readers remember this…just like your car can’t run on fumes, neither can you.  If your gas gauge is always registering empty and you don’t take time to fill your tank, where will you and your life end up?  Stranded!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

The Friends/Family Balance

This article was first published by Cynthia Hanson of Life and Beauty Weekly

The Beatles got it right: You can get by with a little help from your friends. Trouble is it’s tough to get their support if you don’t see them! So what to do when you haven’t had a girls’ night out in ages or your job leaves you feeling like you don’t have energy for your loved ones? Make a plan to get your life in a balance that includes both friends and family.

“Research shows that maintaining friendships increases longevity and boosts the immune system,” says Andrea Bonior, a licensed clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C., and author of The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing, Losing and Keeping up With Your Friends. “But it’s hard for many women to prioritize friendships because they don’t seem as crucial as our families, jobs and responsibilities.” Follow this stress-less plan to strike a better balance and stay connected with all the important people in your life.

1. Don’t settle for Facebook newsfeeds.

“Me” time is vital to self-care — and self-care is crucial to staying in balance and having the energy you need for your family. “Give yourself permission to talk on the phone with a friend or do something fun together — even if you have to plan it four weeks in advance,” says Bonior. “You may feel like you keep up with friends over Facebook, but you’re not getting the same emotional connection when you’re clicking and commenting on links. You need more sustained, face-to-face contact or voice contact.”

2. Keep family time separate.

Does your friend always call when you’re getting your preschooler ready for bed? Or when you and your husband are trying to relax after dinner? Solution: Be assertive and set boundaries.

“It’s OK to screen your calls and tell friends that your evenings are family time,” says Joyce Marter, a psychotherapist and owner of Urban Balance LLC, a multisite counseling practice in Chicago. Let friends know when you’re free to dish — perhaps on your lunch hour or before you leave work. That way you won’t miss their latest news or your game of Monopoly with the kids.

3. Set a standing date.

It’s hard to coordinate a meet-up with a friend when your kids’ activities keep you hopping and chores keep you busy on weekends. Choose a day and time that fit your lifestyles and workloads — perhaps coffee at 3 p.m. on Wednesday, or brunch on the third Sunday of every month. Then stick to it, just as you would stick to a spinning class.

“Standing dates are also a good way to get a group of three or four friends together,” says Bonior. “It gets drilled into your brain that it’s something you want to do and should do.” Plus, by having it on your calendar, you’ll avoid all the back-and-forth “When are you free?” texts.

4. Be flexible.

Not big on breakfast, but 8:00 a.m. is the only time your friend is free? Take one for the team and nibble a bagel anyway. What counts is getting together — and it’s a guaranteed mood-booster. “When you connect and laugh with a friend, you know you’re not alone in dealing with life’s challenges,” says Marter.

5. Think small.

Back in the day, you lingered together over martinis and escaped to luxury spas. But those gal-pal outings aren’t realistic right now when you’re busy with family matters. So settle for close encounters of the quick kind. It’s better to squeeze in 45-minute lunch dates between client meetings than to have no F2F time at all!

Be Attitudes for Living a Happy Life

“Hap­pi­ness is a spir­i­tual path. The more you learn about true hap­pi­ness, the more you dis­cover the truth of who you are, what is impor­tant, and what your life is for.” — Robert Holden, Author of Be Happy!

Hap­pi­ness used to be one of those top­ics that not only I shied away from, but also believed that it just wasn’t going to be a part of my jour­ney. Thank­fully those self-fulfilling days of despair are over and I now know that happiness—just like any­thing else in life—is a mal­leable state of mind that can be learned.

Although some of us are born into the world smil­ing, oth­ers like myself have had to learn (and unlearn) cer­tain tech­niques and habits so that hap­pi­ness can be a part of our nat­ural lives. As I under­stand more about my Self and dis­cover who I really am I also rec­og­nize that hap­pi­ness is mine for the choosing.

Below are a few of the atti­tudes and habits I’ve cul­ti­vated over the years that I believe are key to liv­ing a happy life.

Be Authen­tic

Being authen­tic is about being who we really are with oth­ers. Authen­tic­ity is what helps us live life to our fullest poten­tial. It is also an essen­tial ingre­di­ent to find­ing hap­pi­ness within ourselves.

Liv­ing an authen­tic life ulti­mately opens us up to being in har­mony with our true Self so that we can ulti­mately dis­cover who we really are. And, the more true you are to your­self, the hap­pier you will be.

Be Know­ing

Knowl­edge doesn’t have to always resem­ble books and infor­ma­tion. How­ever, when it comes to being happy, know­ing what makes you smile and light up is extremely important.

For me, being cre­ative, spend­ing qual­ity time with close loved ones, and shar­ing what I’m learn­ing with oth­ers makes me happy. What makes you happy could be some­thing entirely different.

Ulti­mately it’s about find­ing the joy within your­self. Accord­ing to hap­pi­ness expert Dr. Robert Holden, direc­tor of The Hap­pi­ness Project, you feel the hap­pi­est when you begin to know who you truly are. “The rea­son why we’re so inter­ested in hap­pi­ness is because we want to have an expe­ri­ence of our true self.”

Be Grate­ful

“We tend to for­get that hap­pi­ness doesn’t come as a result of get­ting some­thing we don’t have, but rather of rec­og­niz­ing and appre­ci­at­ing what we do have.”— Fred­er­ick Keonig, Co-inventor of the Print­ing Press

As sim­ple as it sounds, grat­i­tude breeds happiness.

Peo­ple who have an atti­tude of grat­i­tude lead hap­pier and health­ier lives than those who don’t because grat­i­tude forces us to over­come what psy­chol­o­gists call the “neg­a­tiv­ity bias”—the ten­dency to dwell on prob­lems, annoy­ances, and life’s lit­tle injustices.

By focussing on the good parts of life—the things that we are thank­ful for—we are con­di­tion­ing our­selves to fos­ter­ing a pos­i­tive atti­tude and a healthy sense of well-being which is what hap­pi­ness is all about.

Be Com­pas­sion­ate

Any­time I think about hap­pi­ness or com­pas­sion the first thought that comes to mind is the Dalai Lama.

Hav­ing had the chance to be taught by him while I was in Wis­con­sin a few years back and hear him speak on the impor­tance of prac­tic­ing com­pas­sion with our­selves and oth­ers, I was pro­foundly changed by the expe­ri­ence and have become more com­pas­sion­ate as a result. As the Dalai Lama teaches:

“The great­est degree of inner tran­quil­ity comes from the devel­op­ment of love and com­pas­sion. The more we care for the hap­pi­ness of oth­ers, the greater is our own sense of well-being.” — Ten­zin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama

It is true that by car­ing for the well-being of oth­ers, you auto­mat­i­cally increase your own level of happiness.

Be For­giv­ing

“To for­give is the high­est, most beau­ti­ful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and hap­pi­ness.” — Robert Muller, World Peace and Hap­pi­ness Guru

While the tools, tech­niques, and “be atti­tudes” for hap­pi­ness are valu­able, the most impor­tant of these is for­give­ness. Con­tin­u­ally being in a state of prac­tic­ing for­give­ness allows you to move past resent­ment, hate, fear, and inad­e­quacy while step­ping into the mind-frame of love.

Happy peo­ple learn from their expe­ri­ences, pains, dis­ap­point­ments, and are able to fully expe­ri­ence all the joy life has to offer.

For­give­ness may not be an easy task—in fact, it’s one of the most dif­fi­cult ones to practice—nonetheless, it is a sim­ple one and one worth mastering.

Tips to Grow By

Hap­pi­ness isn’t a reward, it’s part of the jour­ney and it is com­pletely attain­able. Sci­en­tists and psy­chol­o­gists have even dis­cov­ered that our brains have a cer­tain level of plas­tic­ity which allow them to be com­pletely trans­formable and capa­ble of change if we so choose.

How­ever, choos­ing to be happy is more that just a choice, it’s a con­scious deci­sion that only you can make for your­self. By being authen­tic, grate­ful, for­giv­ing, and focus­ing on the pos­i­tive things in life, you will be lead to greater hap­pi­ness.

And as Abra­ham Lin­coln once said, “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” So, make up your mind to be happy and start liv­ing a hap­pier life today.

About Aisha Quinece

“How am I making the world a better place?” is a question I ask myself almost on a daily basis. As a wife, mother, designer, writer, and teacher, actively enriching the lives of others is a responsibility that I take seriously. Supplying you with practical ways to “Create Your Life” is what my blog, www.AishaQuinece.com, is all about. So, check it out, visit me on Facebook, follow me Twitter, and get started creating your life today!

Incorporating Healthy Lifestyle Changes

Does any of this sound familiar?  The alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m., you get up, get the kids up and ready for school, lunches prepared, throw in a load of laundry, off to work for 8 hours, pick the kids up, take them to practices, back home, prepare dinner, help with homework, get the kids ready for bed, straighten up the house…..and finally you sit down near to 11 p.m. or so and you think….”I have to do this all over again tomorrow!”

Whew!  Talk about stress!  Although, for men and women alike, we knowingly sign up for all that comes along with the day-to-day lives of our children, our bosses, running our own businesses, our spouses and our family lives in general.  Unfortunately, we don’t always fully get the big picture of what it actually does to our mental, emotional and physical well-being when we don’t allow ourselves to be balanced in same.  At times, we feel like our lives are on high speed fast-forward but because we are so stressed out, we emotionally feel like we are swimming through it in slow-motion and it becomes extremely overwhelming.  For me, at times, I feel like I am swimming in a sea of responsibilities that I just have to admit I can’t handle all at once.  It’s during these crucial times that we all forget to take care of the most important person and that is ourselves!

We all know that raising a family can be rewarding and demanding during normal times in our lives, but throw in the mix some emotional stress due to circumstances beyond our control (i.e., the economy, job loss, a new baby, etc.) and the situation can turn ugly really quickly.  According to a study conducted by the American Psychological Association, 73 percent of parents report family responsbilities as a significant source of stress.   Think about those statistics.  If 73 percent of us are stressed, I can imagine some of our stress eventually trickles down to the little people we are doing all of this for and that is our children.  Let’s go even further TMF Readers, as I always preach, children live what they learn. If your children see you as constantly worried and full of anxiety, they will think that type of behavior is normal and will follow in that same direction.  If your children experience constant chaos in your life then they will gravitate toward constant chaos in their own.  It’s not that they make the conscientious decision to do so, it is just that they will model what they have been taught, including how to effectively or non-effectively handle their stress as adults.  Changing your behaviors in order to incorporate a healthy changes into your life will be a tough task for sure but an absolute necessary one; not just for your own health, but for that of your children as well.

Here are a few tips that go a long way in helping you make lasting changes:

• Renegotiate your priorities.  If you exhibit a balanced lifestyle, your children will as well.  Evaluate what you need to cut back on in your life whether that be for a while or permanently.  For example, does your child participate in more than one extra-curricular activity?  Are you finding yourself running around town for 3 hours after work from place to place?  Set a limit, especially if you have more than one child.  Do you work from home while at the same time taking care of the children and find that you are putting too many projects on your plate at one time?  Set a limit and start eliminating what causes you stress.
• Find your own space.  Altering your environment can help you to be more comfortable and will allow you to give you a space that is all yours.  I don’t care if its a corner in your bedroom or in your basement.  Make it your own and your “peace zone.”  Some might be surprised by this, but my car is my peace zone.  I go to my car on my lunch breaks, frequently on the weekend, I might take a drive with the radio off so I can hear myself think.  I live in a house with 3 boys and a husband.  No further explanation needed. 
• Focus on yourself.  There is a direct correlation between stress and our physical health.  Recognizing this is key.  Once recognized, take steps to focus on taking care of yourself.  Get enough sleep.  I have been told by every doctor I have ever come across that sleep is our body’s natural way of healing itself.  Take time to relax and to focus on what makes you happy.  Turn to hobby that brings you joy and doesn’t make you feel like you are doing a job.  Hobbies are wonderful ways to escape. 
• Talk with your children about stress.  Listen actively to your children.  When they are confiding in you, stop what ever you are doing and listen.  Help them to deal with feelings and emotions that revolve around stress in order to help them find a solution.
• Set realistic short term goals.  Don’t overwhelm yourself with trying to fix everything at once.  Be realistic in your changes.  Understand that changes don’t take place overnight and that we don’t want “quick-fixes,” we want long-term success so taking your time and taking it one step at a time is the answer.
• Manage yourself.  As I say to some of my clients, don’t take the easy way out.  Truly look at yourself and the situation and be able to identify when you need extra help.  Not effectively managing yourself, your physical needs, your reactions to situations, etc. is counterproductive to balance.  Consider exercising more, getting more sleep (as discussed above), think things through thoroughly before committing yourself to a project or activity.  Realize that you do not need to be all and do all for everyone else all of the time, especially because you don’t want to say “no.”  Sometimes, the most healthy thing you can do for yourself is say NO, with kindness of course.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  Everyone needs help at some point in their lives.  Accept that it is okay to call on your spouse, on a friend or on family to help you.  This is the only way you can improve your ability to stay strong.   Secondly, there is also nothing wrong with talking to a professional about it as well.  We don’t have all the answers all of the time. 

TMF Readers, remember, our children watch us.  Most often, they will also follow our lead in how we deal with stress, anger and even how we solve our problems.  Through our examples, we can give them strategies and life lessons by modeling behaviors that are realistic, attainable, positive and healthy. 

In conclusion ladies and gentlemen, remember, our lives aren’t perfect and we are not going to be perfect either.  We can set all of the expectations of ourselves that we want but at the end of the day, if we don’t find balance and aren’t able to put everything in its proper prospective and make time for what’s really important, we are only doing ourselves a huge disservice both emotionally, mentally and physically.  At this point, we are no good to anyone and especially not to our spouses or the little ones in our lives that are most important to us.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

THIS IS WHO I AM!

There are two primary choices in life:

1.  To accept conditions as they exist; or

2.  Accept the responsibility for changing them!

This holds true in our marriages, our co-parenting responsibilities and most importantly, our personal lives.  Learning how to let go, moving on and rising to the occasion of what’s really important is key to being released and truly happy.

For years, I have to admit that I was such the people pleaser that I constantly worried about what people thought about me.  I constantly felt I had to conquer all problems that one might ask me to help them with. I had to be the best wife, mom, stepmom and friend that walked the planet earth and I wanted everyone to know it.  I wanted to be appreciated and liked by everyone.  I wanted to be appreciated and liked by my children all the time.  I wanted to be accepted and liked by my stepdaughter and her mother so that they would know that I was committed to my stepdaughter and to my family.  I wanted to be the “fixer of all things” for my husband so I would go overboard with my friendship with my husband’s ex wife so that I could “fix” everything and be responsible for his issues that involved his daughter and ex-wife so that our family could work cohesively all the time — or so I thought.   Through all of this however, I wasn’t being myself.  No matter how much I tried to hide the big elephant in the room, I couldn’t – because the big elephant was ME! 

What I was doing was not only unhealthy for me emotionally but also I was putting undue pressure on others in my life to fill the need that they always had to make me happy.  As you can see, I have used the word “I” so many times above because “I” was making it all about “me.”  Life isn’t always happy.  Parenting and co-parenting isn’t always cohesive.  Kids and parents aren’t always going to get along, wives and ex-wives aren’t always going to like one another all of the time, dads and step-dads might not always see eye-to-eye.  I am not perfect and once I realized I didn’t have to be perfect in order for people to appreciate me, a huge weight and monkey was lifted off of my back.  I don’t need approval from anyone but myself!  I realized that I am who I am because God made me to be a beautiful, loving, caring, kind and yes, an imperfect  individual person.   Accepting the fact that I don’t have the responsibility to make everyone happy all of the time, opened the door for my relationships to get better.   The realization that my children will be fine if I am not pleasing them all the time, that my husband can ”fix” his own issues, that my stepdaughter will know I love her and that I don’t need everyone’s approval was liberating.  The fact that I didn’t have to go overboard with my friendship with my husband’s ex (not to mention the fact that it put her, at times, in an awkward position) just to prove to her that I love and am committed to my stepdaughter and our blended family was essential to my, my husband’s ex-wife and our blended family’s emotional health.

The mere fact that I am no longer worried about what people think about me, how they feel about me or what they say about me, whether they are my friends, my colleagues and even my family was absolutely life changing.  With acceptance comes change and it is our own individual responsibility to make ourselves completely happy in our lives.  No one person can make us well-rounded and happy if we are not happy first with ourselves. 

That being said TMF Readers, my new mantra, love me or hate me….THIS IS WHO I AM!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Bust Up the Junk and Declutter Your Life In 2011

Modern family members whether you are a single, same sex, step or bio parent and everyone in between, 2011 is your year to bust up the clutter in your life.  Clutter makes its way into our lives in forms ranging from petty issues with the ex, the stress of being a single parent, too much work and not enough play, ignoring your own self-comfort and mental well-being and just plain drama! 

2011 is your year Readers to bust and declutter.  In order to truly be happy, we need to have peace.  In order to have peace, we have to commit to removing what stresses us out and causes us to clutter our lives not just with “things” but also with the junk drama, the junk friendships, the junk relationships, the junk period. 

Lather, Rinse, Repeat!

We’ve all heard the phrase Lather, Rinse, Repeat!  This is going to be my mantra for the new year.  When I feel myself being stressed out I am going to use that phrase to help get me back on track.  When it comes to people in my life, whether that be at work or in my personal life, if it stresses me out, I am going to Lather, Rinse and Repeat by washing that stress right out of my life.  How you might ask?  Here are a few tips:

1. Take time for yourself!  This years No. 1 priority.  YOU!  Take a day off work and allocate that day all to yourself.  Go buy some good fruit, healthy snacks, a few not so healthy snacks if you like, and veg out!  One of my favorite things to do is to rent a hotel room for a night all to myself.  I don’t skimp either.  I get a nice room, with hot tub, a pool and I live it up.
2. Let go of unhealthy relationships!  If you are in a relationship that constantly stresses you out or one that you realize you are the only person putting anything into the relationship then my advice is to get rid of it!
3. Incorporate something entirely new.  I recently discovered Yoga.  I always have heard rave reviews about yoga from friends and co-workers, so I tried a session.  It is not just a great way to exercise, but also to release your mind of unnecessary junk.
4. Keep a journal.  I have always loved to express my thoughts on paper.  I was given a beautiful journal for Christmas and I plan on putting it to good use in 2011.  Journals give you a way to express your inner most thoughts, cares, joys and sorrows while at the same time giving you an outlet for healing.
5. Do unto others.  Doing something nice makes us stronger human beings.  When you do unto others, you do unto yourself as well.  You give yourself the gift of personal power to bless others.  The end result…blessings return to you.
6. Channel your inner rebel.  When your willpower is wearing you down, do something you wouldn’t normally do.  Shop until you drop for the day, invite your good girl or boyfriends out and hit a good restaurant or maybe even the jazz club for the evening.  Have some good fun!

What we are really doing by de-junking, busting and decluttering our lives is making room for the real blessings we deserve.  There is a great quote from the poet Rumi which says “Let the beauty we love be what we do.“  This is a simple principal and a reminder that we do not have to hold on to extra drama and stress in our lives.  Let the beauty we love be what we do.  It’s just that simple.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Are You an Anger Junkie?

I was watching the MoNique Show the other night; one of the rare occasions when I’m actually awake (it comes on at 11pm) and happened to catch it. In her opening comedic monologue she talked about being an “Anger Junkie.” Now of course she put her comedic spin on the term and had me cracking up, but as I pondered on the term I realized that there was a lot of truth to her jokes. 

We all get angry of course and I think getting angry can sometimes be beneficial. If you supress your feelings for too long and then release the anger, your anger explodes in a way that leaves you with the feeling of regret. Simply put, bottled up anger affects your judgement.  Acknowleding your anger and dealing with it before you explode increases your chances for controlled anger. The bottled up anger turns into habitual anger (you’re just mad all the time – sometimes without jusitification) and this is what leads to becoming an anger junkie.

Often times when we talk to a remarried couple, husband will say something like, “She’s just mad all the time and I don’t know why,” or “She just nags me and the kids all the time.” I say to myself – yep, she’s an anger junkie. Because stepmoms are taught to keep it bottled in due to the  fear of being labeled as wicked, that anger seeps out over a period of time in different forms (habitual anger).

According to Dr. Steven Stosny, a therapist who treats people for anger and relationship problems, problem anger is habitual — habits run on automatic pilot, processed in the brain much faster than conscious awareness. You are never aware of most of your resentment or anger; by the time you know you’re resentful or angry, it’s already in an advanced state. He further explains how  the jolt of energy you get at any level of anger works like an amphetamine or “speed.” Anger junkies use this jolt of energy frequently in response to an emotional need. For example, they only feel confident when they’re angry, or anger is a response to their anxiety or they use it to enforce a sense of entitlement. These anger junkies who act like bullies. They are hurt so they go overboard to make sure you hurt as well. They feel less confident about themselves, so they put you down to feel more confident. They get upset because you disagree with their opinions and as a result, “making you pay” consumes them.

Is there treatment for ange junkies? Dr. Stosny says that effective treatment for problem anger cannot merely reduce the emotional feelings or arousal of anger; it must restore a state of self-value that is more stable than whatever lowered it, which will replace the habit of blaming with a motivation to improve. And it has to do it fast.

Are you an anger junkie? Take the anger junkie test below to find out.

I use anger or resentment: 

• For energy or motivation (can’t get going or keep going without some degree of anger)
•  For pain-relief (it hurts when not angry) 
• For confidence (only feel cer­tain when angry)
• To ease anxiety  
• To avoid depression 
• To enforce a sense of entitlement   
• To punish or inhibit honest disagreement with opinions 
• More than once a day, and when you expe­ri­ence anger, it lasts for more than a few minutes 

Ways To Be A Happier Mom

Whether you are a mom, a stepmom with or without your own children, being happy is not just a necessity, but crucial.  Some of us tend to create impressions that we are truly happy to satisfy the emotional well-being of our children and husbands but fooling ourselves at the same time.

As I have written in prior posts, I feel that the number one reason we dont allow ourselves to be happy is because we have conjured up this notion that we are not allowed to nurture ourselves.  We refuse to “let go” of being the “be all and do all” for everyone except ourselves.  This is really a crime to our mental and emotional well-beings.  Key words…”being all and doing all” for ourselves, FIRST, doesn’t limt our happiness.

When we are only happy within limits, we are accomplishing nothing except giving ourselves self-satisfaction in exchange for a ruinous path.  By doing this, we cannot submit our grievances to our partners if we are not prepared to change this bad habit at the same time.  By limiting your own personal happiness, later in life, you will be remorseful for not paying attention to yourself.

Throughout my 20′s and 30′s, I lived this way myself, mostly unhappy and neglected;  not because I couldn’t be happy, but because I chose to put everyone ahead of me!  Because I was a single mom for most of those years, I didn’t think I had the time, nor did I feel it was proper to put myself before my children.  Boy, was I wrong!   As I have stated before, it’s like when you first board the airplane;  the stewardess teaches you to always put the oxygen mask on yourself before your children.  Why, because if you aren’t healthy and able-bodied how can you help anyone else?  The same goes for taking care of ourselves as single parents, moms and stepmoms.   It wasn’t until recently, in  my early 40′s did I really begin to see those effects and how by incorporating a few simple changes I could make my life better.  It really was an epiphany to me.  Now, I yearn each day to see what other ways I can find to incorporate more happiness.  By doing this, I have become a way better mother and stepmother.

Here are a few simple tips for nurturing that you can apply in your life as well:

• Take time to focus on your personal spiritual growth.
• Splurge on yourself once in a while — you work hard — you deserve it!
• Take 1 hour a day to yourself and focus on YOU!
• Surround yourself with good people who are uplifting.
• Take time for friendships.
• Take a class or focus on a hobby that brings you joy.

Another important value of finding happiness is “weeding out your obstacles.”  Keep in mind that just as weeds can take over a garden or a flower bed, they can take over your thoughts, perceptions and attitudes to the detriment of your own well-being.  Even healthy plants, if they aren’t cultivated properly, get sick.  As women, we run ourselves down at the drop of a hat; even dropping everything at a moments notice when our children, step-children or husbands need something.  Often times, it becomes overwhelming and feels like you are fighting against a never-ending current, all of which makes us uneven and out of balance.

Moving our obstacles out of the way of our true happiness allows us to take a stand for what is crucial to preserve…and that is living not just happily but abundantly.  Our children and step-children will grow up and move on and we need to have our own happiness.  As I stated in the preamble of this post, this not only applies to moms, but equally importantly to step-moms.  There is a preconceived notion that it’s okay for moms to need a break from the monotony of every day life and motherhood, but if a stepmom expresses such, she is being weak, unloving and mean.  What husbands and ex-wives forget is that a stepmom deals with the same, if not more, issues and stresses any other parent in the blended family.  Think about it, she has her own children, her stepchildren, constantly changing routines to fit everyone, and most of the time, she is overlooked in the appreciation department.  Even still, she also deserves to find happiness and to take time for herself as well. 

So get on board ladies!!  Don’t be afraid to move and weed out those obstacles!  I promise you, you will be a better person and mother for it!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Take a Mental Vacation to Avoid Stress

Last week I had the best vacation in Italy! I visited the cafes and museums, had a fabulous time at a few fashion shows and enjoyed the company of an old friend that I had not seen since high school. We decided to reconnect in Italy because we both have always wanted to go there. On our first night there we dined at Centrale, a beautiful, hip, chic restaurant/lounge in Venice. The food was amazing! I had a succulent parmesean farfalle pasta with chicken and mushrooms that was to die for…yummy! My friend had the spaghetti carbonara and a glass of white wine.  Afterward, we decided to return to our hotel in order to rest up for the festivities on the following day. Okay, people, I didn’t literally go to Italy last week, but I did take a mental vacation there, and it was almost as nice as the real thing.

Mental vacations are like retreating to that quiet, relaxing place that your yoga instructor tells you to go to when you are doing the final relaxation pose at the end of every class.  They are fun, free and can take you anywhere your imagination allows you to go. Mental vacations are a nice way for moms/stepmoms, working women and just about anyone to escape from the norm. I usually take my mental vacations during my “me” time in a relaxing bath with soft music playing. For those 3o minutes I am not mom, wife, business woman or counselor, and I don’t worry about the challenges of stepmamahood or motherhood. I allow myself to mentally escape to a place where I get to choose who goes along for the ride.

Next week, I think my business partner and very dear friend, Diane and I, will take a relaxing trip with our husbands to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. We could all use a couples only vacation right about now. If anyone else wants to join us, please let me know. The plane tickets, hotels, food, and activities are all FREE!

What about you, readers? Describe your ultimate mental vacation in the comments section below and win a brand new Sirius Sportster 5 XM Satellite Radio!

Make The Decision To Be Happy

What makes you happy?  For me, I could come up with a hundred different reasons with some being emotional, physical and of course some just being pure natural reasons.  However, one that stands out above the rest is my love of cooking.  Nothing brings me more joy than to throw a big dutch oven on the stove top, throw together ingredients that I have been thinking would match together well and seeing what I can come up with to please my husband, three boys and grandson.  And, once in a while, I like to surprise a girlfriend unexpectedly and  bring a great dish over for her and her family to enjoy as well.  Cooking makes my heart smile.

Now, I am sure you expected me to say my husband, my children, my job, etc. etc.  Of course, my family plays  one of the most important roles in my happiness, but I have learned a great lesson over the years and that is by making room for my pleasurable feelings, hobbies and passions, I allow very valuable experiences in my life.   I came across my love for cooking through a tragic time in my life when I had suddenly and unexpectedly became widowed.  My husband used to do all of the cooking for my boys and I.  I couldn’t boil water properly and almost burnt the apartment down a few times.  During those times of despair I found that cooking was therapeutic for me and lo and behold, after watching several cooking shows and reading lots of cookbooks, I found one of my true passions.  Cooking gave me that release, a reason to think about something other than that pain I was experiencing and it was soothing.  That same year, 9 months after starting, I hosted my first Thanksgiving Dinner and I cooked every single item on the menu.  It was a huge hit.  Some folks love to shop, watch old movies or spend time with a good book.  It makes me happy to cook.  Now, as I stated above, this isn’t the only thing that makes me personally happy.  But as individuals, we have to take time to find little things, just for ourselves, that make us happy and that give us time to focus on being happy.  I cannot stress it enough.  These experiences will carry us through our lives and it teaches our children to do the same.

Being happy is a decision…just that simple.   Making the decision to be happy is all it takes.  Celebrity life coach, and one of my favorite people to listen to for inspiration, Anthony Robbins, says it best..“if you don’t have a plan for pleasure, you will have pain.” In other words, if you do not incorporate the things that make you happy into your life, you will have an end result of pain.   What makes you happy and your inner peace is one big spinning circle.  Finding that inner-peace whether that is through spending time alone with yourself, shopping for a great new pair of shoes, cooking, reading or just watching a movie is a true part of making the decision to be happy.  As Mr. Robbins so eloquently states, “Life was never meant to be a struggle.”  So, if we choose to be happy, we have unlocked the mystery to finding inner-peace.

Here are a few tips to help you along in your journey:

• Just as you allow yourself to feel sad and depressed, you can allow yourself to be joyful, grateful and happy.
• Take control of your emotions and guide them in the direction toward happiness.
• Choose happiness.  Don’t give your choice away to others or frivolous situations.  Do not OWN other people’s issues.
• Love yourself first.
• Smile.  Smiling is contagious and there is always a reason to do so.  Do it everyday.
• Indulge yourself in what you enjoy.
• Listen to music that you love.
• Dance like no one is watching!
• Take time for yourself.  Pay attention to your breathing, your posture, etc.  It makes a huge difference in how you feel.
• LAUGH A LOT, LAUGH LOUDLY AND LAUGH OFTEN.  Laughter is good for the soul.

Right now, a beautiful song comes to mind…..”Don’t Worry..BE HAPPY!”

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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