Finding Your Passion: Life is Not a Dress Rehearsal!

The Amazing Paula Deen

Have you ever thought about what would happen if you could end up living your dreams and fulfilling your true passion in life?  Finding your individual purpose in life is really about searching for what gives you meaning.  Sure, our children, family and spouses give us an exemplified meaning, but often times, as individuals, we find ourselves not being in tune with our true beings, with who we really are.  We feel like a part of our very existence hasn’t come to fruition or full-circle.  With that being said, I ask you readers…”What are you waiting for?”

One of the biggest reasons people do not step out and explore their passion in life is out of fear of failure of the unknown.   My answer to that is this:  “Expect nothing and look forward to everything!” Allowing fear to shut you down will force you to leave behind your true passions.  Step out on faith!  Do not allow yourself to continue to make excuses for not following your dream in life.  There will never be enough time or you will never have enough money if you wait on these things to arrive on your doorstep.

One inspirational story that always reacquaints me with my own personal passion is that of Food Network star Paula Deen.  Paula is one of my silent heroes.  After being newly divorced after a 20 something year marriage, she started her own small business at the age of 40.  She had no money in the bank, $200 her ex-husband handed her and at that point she decided to put her talents to work.  She enlisted her resources (her sons and their girlfriends and her love of cooking) and the rest is history.  She became a full-blown success.  Oh, and did I mention that she also had full-blown agoraphobia to overcome as well during all of this?  What an example of following life’s passion and making it a dream come true despite your fears!

The most important part of finding your passion and living life to the fullest is the path and journey the search takes you on.  As my good friend, author and life coach, Doreen Rainey, often says…”Life is not a dress rehearsal.”  Find good people who support you.  No one person wants to live their passion alone.  Sharing your passion and the journey will take you toward endless possibilities.  What about the unknown you ask?  Let’s face it, every person lives with a little fear in life.  It’s perfectly normal.  The answer is how we move past those fears, accept them for what they are and decide  not to spend excess time stagnating the process by allowing those fears to paralyze us. It is then that we can successfully achieve our life’s passion.

If you knew your life could be transformed would you go for it?  When you find your life passion, what some would think of as work, to you, is the best investment you will ever make.  Your staying up late, working through your lunch hours, getting up extra early in the morning to work on things and devoting numerous leisure hours to your dream and realizing your achievement is no longer a possibility but a probability, is when you will find a unique fulfillment like no other.  Your dress rehearsal has become, “Lights, Camera and ACTION.”

Remember, if you never put in the effort to find your true passion and you allow fear to disseminate your imagination, you will not only stagnate your dreams, but also your life.   Curtain closed.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

2010 Mind and Body Tune Up for Mom!

Leaving all of the stresses of 2009 in 2009 won’t be easy, but by committing yourself to a mind and body tune up in 2010, you will serve yourself well.

If you are like many, the stresses of everyday life can leave you feeling not only stressed but exhausted mentally and physically, all of which can leave not just you, but your modern family members feeling completely out of sync with you as well. As parents, whether bio or step, we often put our own health, well-being and self-care aside to take care of others. Women are especially guilty of putting themselves last on the list of being cared for.

Although I love to offer you readers my own helpful hints from time to time, the tips I read in the January 2010 issue of People Extra were some of the best I have seen. Each one of them gave me personally something to think about in my own life and I wanted to share the same with our readers:

10 Little Life Balancers:

1. Get into nature. Head for a hiking trail or a local park. Walk along a beach or along a river. Nature has healing powers.
   
2. Connect with a friend. We all need them for support, advice and laughs. Meet for coffee, catch a movie, or just call and catch up.
   
3. Connect with an animal. “Pet therapy” lifts the spirits and takes your mind off yourself for a while.
   
4. Center yourself. Anytime, anywhere: put your attention on your breath in one spot and leave it there. You’ll feel calmer and more grounded.
   
5. Sweat it out. When you’re tense, a vigorous workout is a great way to blow off steam (check with your doctor before starting an exercise regimen).
   
6. Say NO. It’s OK if you don’t do everything all of the time.
   
7. Say YES. If someone offers to help, let them.
   
8. Express yourself. Write in a journal or make art. Unleash the creative force within you.
   
9. Do something spontaneous. Shake up the routine. Take a drive in a new direction – or be a tourist in your own hometown.
   
10. Have a drink. And make it water! Water is an essential nutrient for the body.

A couple of little extra honorable mentions in the article discussed something a girlfriend and I just discussed today. Take a trip to a new place you’ve never been before. It doesn’t have to be exotic or expensive. Or, find a nook or cranny in your home that you can designate as “your space.” We all deserve a place that we can retreat to in private. Make it your own. One little extra tip I would like to share with you is a little gift my husband gives me once or twice a year. That is the gift of a nice hotel room all to myself for a night. I check in at noon and don’t check out until noon the next day. I take all my books, my hobby items and I curl up alone and watch television and have my own time to myself. As a mother. step-mom and career woman, at times, I spread myself very thin. This little treat is very special and helps me to reinvent, listen and re-center myself. I challenge you readers to try some of the above tips to reinvigorate and give yourself a mind and body tune-up for 2010 – I know I will be trying all of them!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Out with the Old and In with the New – YOU!

2009 has seen its better days-or not! Thank goodness we can look forward to 2010, a clean slate, a new beginning, and a new you.

It sounds cliché but the start of a new year truly is a new start. There are millions of New Year’s resolutions being made as we speak. Unfortunately, 95% of those will not make it to June or will not be followed through upon. How can we make this year different? How can we keep our resolutions and help our lives as well as improve our families?

There is a wonderful article written by Lesley Alderman for the January 2010 issue of REAL SIMPLE magazine titled “Nine Secrets of Motivated People.” Here are her nine points for a better you for 2010 as well as my own interpretations of her list:

1. When you make a plan, anticipate bumps. Peter Gollwitzer, professor of psychology at New York University says that people who plan for obstacles are more likely to stick with projects than those who don’t. When you are aware of all of the “what if’s” of a project then you can come up with ways to work through them should they occur. This way you have a plan to stay on task.

2. Channel that little engine that could – really. A person’s drive is often based on what she believes about her abilities, not on how objectively talented she is according to research by Albert Bandura, a professor of psychology at Stanford. You must first believe in yourself before anyone else will believe in you. Push yourself and love the person you are.

3. Don’t let your goals run wild. This means that you should set expectations and goals for yourself in order to achieve what you set out to do in life. At the same time keep them in perspective. If you have 100 pounds to lose don’t expect to lose all 100 in a month or even two. Set mini goals for yourself and make sure to reward yourself when you attain that next step.

4. Go public with it. Don’t keep your goals or resolutions to yourself. Tell a close friend or family member so you have a support system. Things go much smoother and much easier when you have support and some accountability to what you want to achieve.

5. Lean on a support crew when you’re struggling. Enlist people in your life who you feel want you to succeed and will keep you motivated. Choose people who may have seen you fail in the past and who know how much success means to you, says Edward L. Deci, professor of psychology at University of Rochester.

6. Make yourself a priority. Lesley Alderman states that you will derail your progress if you sacrifice yourself for others in order to please them. Only you can take care of you and only you know what you need. That’s a lot of you’s and it may feel selfish but we must take care of ourselves before we are capable of taking care of anyone else.

7. Challenge yourself and change things up. This especially applies to anyone trying to lose weight or striving for a healthy lifestyle. Doing the same exercise routine can become monotonous or eating the same thing for lunch everyday becomes so boring. As time goes on you will eventually get frustrated and throw that salad or treadmill out the window. Do yourself a favor and research fun ways to exercise and look up new recipes online to spice things up. This way you’re always learning and that helps build new excitement around your new life.

8. Keep on learning. To refuel your efforts, focus on enjoying the process of getting to the goal, rather than just eyeing the finish line, says Lesley Alderman. Take pride in researching or going back to school to reach a new career goal. Take classes or go to events for the things you are passionate about just for fun. You will enjoy learning about things you love even if it isn’t about making a career out of it. It’s all about expanding your mind and your life and learning something new never gets dull.

9. Remember the deeper meaning. Edward L. Deci says it best when he says “You’re more likely to realize a goal when it has true personal significance to you” Enough said.

The more information and support you are armed with the better equipped you are to face the world and also stay true to who you are.

Forgiveness is for You!

“Forgiveness is for the forgiver…not the person you are forgiving!”

I had an interesting conversation with my husband last night about the subject of forgiveness.  The subject was brought up due to a question my husband had posed to me about my ex-husband, with whom I share a 20 year old son, and why I would care about remaining in contact with him after our somewhat tumultuous past relationship.   My simple answer to him….Forgiveness.

You have to know that my husband was raised to be a very unemotional man.  My husband was adopted at 3 months old.  His adoptive father left the family, or should I say, was off and on with his family for several years.  Therefore,  much of my husband’s skepticisim about forgiveness comes from what he learned early on from his adoptive father’s  perception about family, due to his obvious lack thereof.  During our discussion, I pointed  out to my husband that he is now a grown man and his dad is getting older. I asked my husband why he continues to hold resentment instead of forgiving his dad and moving on to maybe what could possibly now turn into a productive relationship.  His answer was simple…”He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.”

As he was speaking, I was looking in my husband’s eyes and I could see pain.  I proceeded to tell  him that by forgiving, the forgiveness is not for his dad but for him.  Forgiveness clears the path toward resolve.  It makes peace.  To forgive is to free yourself.   I went on to explain that I chose, a long time ago, to free myself from a lot of emotional pain that my prior marriage caused me and my two older children because no matter what happened between us, at the end of the day, he and I share a son and we are his parents and we will co-parent, together, until our feet leave this earth.     Forgiving was not only necessary for me, but liberating.

People grow and they change.  My ex is a totally different man now who is remarried with other children and step-children.  He has become a wonderful father, step-father, husband and provider.  I accepted that the young 20-year old man that he was at the time  just could not be that husband, father and provider to me and my sons when we were married.   Was it fair to me?  Unequivocally, no.  Was I hurt?  Absolutely!  But I forgave him to free myself.  It didn’t happen overnight — as a matter of fact — it took years but once I decided, I was released!   Oh,  and during that process, I found out that I was no angel either and that he forgave me for a few things as well (smile).   Needlesstosay, I encouraged my husband to do the same with his dad.

Life is too short not to live in peace!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The People Pleaser: Part I

Can you not stand the thought of upsetting others? Or, maybe you are like me and you put everyone elses’ needs and wants before your own? If any of these statements describe you, you may be guilty of being a “people pleaser.” Granted, just being a busy parent and spouse, one can easily fall into the trap of as I have often been called the “be all, do all and go to person” for everything. Being a people pleaser has been something that I have personally struggled with in the past. I am the immediate “go to” person at work as well as at home. Recently, I came to the conclusion that I cannot and will not “be all and do all” to and for everyone in my life whether that be to my children, my husband, my boss or my friends. I have many friends that fall into this same category. I watch them bend over backwards, like me, to help everyone and get little to no time for themselves and when they do seem to find a little time, they feel guilty….just like me. My problem lies in the fact that I have a hard time saying the simple word “no” to anyone, any favor, any task asked of me. I felt like it was more important to please and impress that person or family member and endure the pressure and sometimes the stress that it brings along with it just to seek their approval. At times, I even found myself making excuses to myself for my people pleasing ways. Hence, my recent conclusion to “just say no to people pleasing!”

I have determined that the approval I may have thought I needed was really only my issue. I need not anyone’s approval. I have also determined that when my children are grown or when I am no longer here, how many miles I drove them to soccer practices or to games or how many times I stressed about buying them the latest and greatest clothes or toys or given them my last $5.00 until payday for little extras that they really could have gone without will not be remembered by them at all. What they will remember is the time I shared with each of them, my caretaking of them when they were sick, my unconditional love for them; not my people-pleasing because I didn’t want them to be upset with me and they definitely will not remember all of the times I gave into their excessive wants. My boss will appreciate me for my hard work and tenacity not for my accumulating 150 hours of paid time off because I never call in sick when I need to out of fear of displeasing anyone. You get the point? I do not have to be a martyr.

In my research on this subject I found out that people pleasers are really just fearful of rejection. Some feel that if they don’t put everyone else ahead of themselves or their needs, they will end up alone. They are afraid of setting boundaries out of the fear of disappointment. Something that I found out during my research really hit a note with me personally and that is people pleasers usually were raised in environments wherein their needs and feelings were pushed aside and not considered. Bingo! Boy there is so much truth to that statement. A lot of children of divorce end up being people pleasers in some aspect or another. They have been pulled in between their parents and often find themselves having to take sides. They didn’t have a choice in the decision of their parents to divorce, and after the divorce, their feelings often get pushed aside because their parents can’t find time to step off the battlefield long enough to see that their children need their attention.  In turn, they end up trying to please both parents all of the time and this behavior continues and carries over into their adult lives.

The following are some tips that I found very helpful:

1. Focus on your own best interest instead of avoiding conflict;

2. Do something for yourself;

3. Learn how to say no;

4. Learn when it is appropriate for you to take responsibility for an action and when it is someone elses’ issue. Do not bear burdens that aren’t yours to bear.

You are important. Your self-worth is not based on how much you do for other people. Learning to say no is not easy for a people pleaser, but having an assertive attitude without being aggressive is the key. Wanting to please everyone all of the time is stressful and even hurtful to our physical well-beings as well. Remember, there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself first and then you will be more able to effectively and lovingly take care of the others in your life.

Peace and blessings,
Di

Love who you are and EMPOWER your self-esteem

“Change is the Law of Life.  Those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.

John F. Kennedy

Definition of Self:  Yourself.

Definition of Esteem:  A fancy word for thinking that someone or something is important.

Self-esteem is a basic human need.  It is an essential contribution to the life process.  So, let’s face it, change, even within ourselves is hard, especially when our self-esteem is damaged.  Self-esteem is a topic being discussed on almost every self-help website, on numerous talk shows and in discussion forums of the like and is a subject of importance.  Most issues that damage a person’s self-esteem are due to their personal life experiences and actually can fluctuate on a daily basis.  Some examples may include how a husband or boyfriend may treat you, down to how your employer or friend may treat you.  Even within the blended family, having a bout of “hard times” can have a huge impact on your self-esteem.

Research has shown that low self-esteem is one of the main contributing factors in depression in young teens, girls and boys alike.  99% of the time, our childhood experiences shape our self-esteem.  In children, the experience of divorce can play a major role in low self-esteem.  Another factor in good or low self-esteem in children is how they are treated by their teachers, coaches, parents and peers.   Everyone knows someone that has had a teacher or coach or member of their immediate family say something to them that has always stuck with them; not knowing that one statement can affect their self-worth for the rest of their lives.

Self-esteem is not just a concept of our personality but an essential main ingredient to our own self-worth.  In order for it to grow and flourish, we have to have balance in our lives.   Part of maintaining that balance is change.  Whether that means changing our daily routines or changing the way we think altogether.  Having a healthy life and self-esteem is based on our ability to accurately know ourselves.   Part of knowing ourselves is also being able to accept who we are and to value ourselves regardless of our flaws.   Accepting who we are and changing that way of thinking in turn allows a person to value their worth without conditions or reservations.

Changing the way you think will challenge the negative messages that those with low self-esteem deal with.  Here are some suggestions:

1.  Be reassuring with yourself (i.e., instead of criticizing your project say “I’m proud of myself for working that hard and I really like it”) or (instead of being sore about a bad grade on a test, think “Ok, I didn’t do well this time, but I will study harder next time to make a better grade.”)

2.  Be objective!

3.  Challenge unrealistic situations.  Don’t assume.

4.  Practice Self-Nurturing

(a)  Get enough sleep
(b)  Exercise
(c)  Eat healthy

5.  Remind yourself of  your strengths and do not focus so much on your weaknesses.

6.  Forgive yourself.

7.  Ask your husband, wife or friend to remind you that they love you.

8.  Ask for lots of hugs.

9.  Believe in yourself.

“Believe it until you can achieve it!”   You deserve the best, treat yourself that way and you will believe in yourself.

Life happens around us so fast that we forget to nurture ourselves.  It’s almost as if we live transparent lives.  Don’t forget to take time to live, build and change because after all, as President Kennedy so eloquently stated, Change is the Law of Life.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Stress Management – Get a Grip on the Things that Give You Grief!

Long day…….THAT’S AN UNDERSTATEMENT!

Worked, ran 50 errands, taxied my son to and from soccer practice, cooked, cleaned, ran back to the grocery store for the bag I forgot…..day in and day out, the same old routine.  Life can be hectic and overwhelming and can even attribute to an unhealthy physical well-being.

There is a lot you can do to relieve stress if you allow, prepare and train yourself to give yourself the well deserved “ME” time.

Here are a few ideas I read in last months Family Circle magazine, incorporated with a few of my own, to help alleviate some of the stress:

1. Meditate — When thoughts are racing out-of-control, imagine a clock ticking through the minutes and remind yourself “and this too shall pass!”
2. Adopt a space everyday (I do 30 minutes) on your calendar for “ME” time, whether you soak in a bathtub, take a walk, curl up on your bed with a warm blanket and a book, that time is all yours.
3. Do not say “yes” to every party or event or to everything and everyone in your life.  If it does not enrich your life, you should have no problem turning it down.
4. Give yourself “pep talks.”  Repeat self-affirming phrases.  When something is getting me down, for example, I often refer to religious phrases like, “Victory is Mine.”  Make your affirmations a part of your daily routine.
5. Exercise!!!  I walk, or try to, everyday at lunch.  Exercise relieves tension.
6. Do a good deed for someone.  This is the best way to feel good and heal when you are over-stressed.  It allows you to focus on something other than your daily stresses.  Examples can be sending an e-card, dropping off a donation, call a friend to see how they are doing or drop a line to a relative.

Try these tips….just 30 minutes….it will work wonders!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Healthy Inner Living Part II: Befriending Yourself

“Where Am I when I need ME the MOST?………..Mugs Holifield”

There were so many good chapters in Sue Patton Thoele’s book, “The Courage to be a Step-Mom” that I had to share some more of her knowledge with our BFSO readers.

In reading this book, I realized through her writings that for women, true friendship is not something we just “want or desire” it is something we absolutely “need” and is necessary for our own healthy well-being.  Our girlfriends build us up when we are down, they catch us when we fall, they stand beside us and support our dreams, our needs and even our “silliness” as Ms. Thoele says.  They celebrate with us, mourn with us during times of grief and a lot of the times help to anchor us as women.

Ms. Thoele posed the following question in her book that had me really doing a lot of my own soul searching and exploring:  We have our “friends” but are we the same friend to ourselves? As she did, I ask you BFSO readers the following:

1. Are you encouraging rather than critical?
2. Do you matter-of-factly accept your mistakes as opportunities to learn valuable lessons from?
3. Are you gentle and kind to yourself?
4. Do you surround yourself with like-minded people?
5. Do you honor yourself for who and what you are?

These are just a few, but ask yourself these questions.  If your answers are in the affirmative, then you are being a true friend to yourself.  One of the most important things you can do is to be your OWN FRIEND FIRST – LOVE YOURSELF – and, then, and only then, will loving others be so much more rewarding for you.

In her book she also talks about “filling up our reservoirs.”  In our daily lives, if we do not “fill up” we run the risk of draining ourselves emotionally and physically.   I can relate as  my calendar is so packed at times, I feel like pulling my hair out — TIME TO TAKE  ME TIME!   Learn that YOU ARE NOT INDESPENSIBLE! You will be surprised at how well your children, your husbands and your family members can do without you for a day, an evening, or even a weekend!  You will have nothing left for anyone if you do not tend to your own needs and take care of yourself.  DO NOT LOSE YOUR SELF-IDENTITY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS!

Lastly, being good to ourselves sets an awesome example for our children.  It teaches them to take care of themselves as well as teaching them self-confidence, self-esteem and SELF-WORTH!  As I previously stated, after reading this chapter, I re-read it again.  I have often allowed myself to become overwhelmed as a mother, wife, legal assistant to my boss…..the list goes on.  Most of us women/mothers have been guilty.  Stay strong and balanced.  The most important message we can send to our children is that it’s OKAY to VALUE  YOURSELF!   Stay strong ladies and gentlemen (this goes for you too!)

Peace and Blessings,
Di

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