Falling “Out” of Love After Your Remarriage

Over 75% of remarriages now end in divorce.  That is a stunning fact. Let’s face it, the pressures associated with being in a blended family can lead even the strongest couples down the wrong path.  How about you?  Are you feeling gloomy about your remarriage?  Do you feel like you are falling “out” of love with your spouse?

Clients ask me questions related to the above all of the time.   The fact remains that you don’t just fall “out” of love by chance.  Not focusing on solutions to problems as they arise causes friction, which if ignored causes tremors, which if still ignored causes earthquakes. It’s a simple trickle-down effect.  Instead of addressing feelings and concerns like loss of power in the relationship, feelings of inadequacy and rejection in the family, they decide that unequivocally they must have picked the wrong person and they are no longer in love with their spouse when in actuality their love is strong, but one or both parties have allowed the issues to take over their marriage.

Another reason blended family spouses have such trouble is because of their expectations having not been met.  High expectations that their families are going to turn into the “Brady Bunch” the day the marriage license is signed is a recipe for disaster.  Mix in a little disrespect from their stepchild here and there or the ex-wife calling for something menial, then “there goes the marriage!”  Learning to deal with these issues on the forefront (i.e., pre-marital blended family counseling) can help rectify these situations before they occur or at least help you to not make mountains out of molehills.

In the beginning of any good relationship, chemistry with your significant other is usually going hog-wild.  Well, as we all know too well, chemistry never lasts forever.  Chemistry contributes to the relationship but it doesn’t make your relationship last.  Love sustains it and keeps it going.  Being in love means making a commitment to work through whatever needs to be worked on. Being in love means putting your (re)marriage first and supporting it and each other.  It means spending time on it and not pushing it aside for anyone or anything and that includes your children together and apart, work and friends.  Unfortunately, all too often, this is the hardest task of them all.  Finding time to spend together is relatively a key ingredient to a successful, long-lasting relationship.

All successful (re)marriages have common denominators.  Trust, honesty, love, support and forgiveness.  If you are feeling having the falling “out” of love blues, ask yourselves these questions:

1. What is the cause for my feelings?  Assess the situation as a whole.  Take some time to really scour your thoughts.  Is something else causing you to feel this way (i.e., stress, anxiety, depression, work stress, friend stress, etc.)
2. Do my feelings on the subject change from day-to-day?
3. Are the blended family issues that aren’t being resolved adding to my feelings?

As human beings we are geared to focus more on the negative attributes of any situation.  After you have had the chance to ask yourself the above questions, take stock in the following tips to help you get through answering them:

1. Make a list of all the good things you fell in love with about your spouse and write out your love story.  Just putting those thoughts on paper and reading them will help you tremendously.  Encourage your spouse to do the same and read them together.
2. Look into a couples retreat.  This is a great way to spend time together while at the same time getting some much needed education.
3. Enlist the help of a certified stepfamily coach to work up a Co-Parenting Plan that helps your family navigate.  It’s OK to ask or help.  Call me, I would love to help!
4. Stop focusing so much on the problems and give your attention to the solutions.
5. Don’t temporarily bandage the issues by sweeping them under the rug and pretending they are fixed.  I promise you, they will arise as more than a scratched surface but a full-blown injury.
6. Your friends don’t know the value of your relationship.  Keep your relationship between you and your spouse.
7. Talk, talk, talk!  Communication is key!  Keep talking to your spouse.  Let them know they matter to you and what they have to say, whether you agree or not, matters to you.
8. Limit your expectations.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.  The Brady Bunch had great writers narrating the story of their lives.  Blended families and remarriage is tough to conquer but think of your commitments and actions as small investments toward your eventual success.
9. Have compassion.  Honor your spouses difference in opinion.  You can disagree with while at the same time still honoring it with understanding.  Compassion in the blended family and in remarriage will take you a long way.
10. Support your spouse unconditionally.  Again, you don’t have to agree on every issue, but support their decisions and let them know you will not judge them.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

How Choice Plays A Vital Role In Our Relationships

In my coaching practice, I come across clients all of the time that are in conflict and need help with their blended family issues.  Most of the time, their frustrations simply come from the choices that they are deciding to make or not to make which end up causing most of the hardship in their relationships.  For example, in remarriage, the biggest problem I come across with my clients is the issue of discipline.  9 times out of 10 the clients cannot agree, and they refuse to agree to disagree on this issue.   Resentment builds in one or both parties, the issue continues to be swept under the rug and by choosing to not to get on the same page, they are ultimately making a choice that may end up ruining or eventually ending their marriage.

Let’s talk about why choice plays such an important role in our relationships.  We have to understand that as life partners we always have a choice in how we live in our relationships.  With that, we may not always like our choices but part of being life partners is knowing that as we make these unavoidable choices we open certain other possibilities and we close the door on others.  For example, if we make the choice to allow our children or stepchildren to run the household, disrespect our spouse and never come to an agreement on the rules and what behaviors will and will not be tolerated in our household, then we close the door to trust and communication with our spouse.  We have to choose to handle these situations not just to ensure that our relationships stay sound but to help our children as well.

I once read that choice follows awareness.  Teaching our children this is so important.  The most effective way to teach them this is by example.  Every time we make a choice for our families as a couple, whether good or bad, it will produce a consequence.  When we hold that we choose what happens in our relationships it is only then that we take full ownership over them.

TMF Readers, remember, marriage is a marathon not a sprint.  In our relationships and through our family issues, when you find yourself not seeing the difference between your choices and you are finding it easy to make your spouse “wrong” instead of holding yourself to the fact that you made a choice too,  your relationship will suffer.  Realizing that our individual choices play a role as well in our issues is key.  Take time to communicate to your spouse the choices you two are making individually and as a couple which affect your relationship.  Having this awareness will give you power and you will avoid taking the easy way out but will make room for more open communication and togetherness.

Peace & Blessings,

Diane

May The Flirt Be With You!

And may your nearest redeemer for frequent flirter miles not be a 3 ft tall, grammatically challenged know-it-all. Although, this little green ladies’ man seems to know his way around a flirt…and a skirt. Once again, men are left scratching their heads as the whole concept of “size matters” is shot to hell by this image of a seemingly studly Yoda regaling women with tales starring the forceful magic of his “light saber.” Tales so heroic, so sexually charged, they send women’s clothing plunging to a crumpled heap on the ground in a desperate plea of surrender. Or so says Photoshop.

Captivating I am. Seduce you I will.

Every Jedi knows the art of flirting is a mix of conversation, body language, and physical touch…and may just be our most vital form of communication. It’s the foreplay to our foreplay, so to say.

We flirt because it’s a necessary road to reproduction junction. It could be that the flirtee is just too hot to be denied our charms. And it could be that it’s just fun. Scientists say that flirting doesn’t necessarily mean attraction. That, hot or not, we’re evolutionarily programmed to be sexually alert, on our toes, and prepared for passionate throes. Married, single, or “it’s complicated” …our primitive libidos are in constant battle with modern monogamy. So, even if we’re off the market, we flirt with potential buyers to humor our libidos…and our egos. Met with success, or shaming mess, we flirt to advertise our assets…and remind ourselves we’ve still got it. When we flirt, we display our creativity, our humor, and our intelligence…flaunting our stellar skills for withstanding whatever poo pies life may throw our way (selling ourselves as the optimal life partner). But aside from our dung dodging skills, we spread our peacock feathers…display our bountiful (surgically custom) cleavage, our Baby Got Back bums, our Fabio-lously spray tanned flexing pecs, our firm afterglow-inducing light sabers. Saying, without saying, “I got that good hit! Don’t you want to bag me?”

We flirt. We bag. We ensure the survival of our genetic genius. And we settle into family life. We now have children to raise, mortgages to pay, bosses to mock, and spontaneity to block. Burdened by an endlessly overwhelming list of chores and responsibilities that would make even the most devoted Family Guy pimp out his wife for a break, we don’t take time to maintain flirting fluency with our main squeeze. The romance dies. We’re merely roommates…without benefits…tending to chores. Making it from one day to the next. We get comfortable in the notion that our spouse isn’t going anywhere. And realize…neither are we. We’re in a rut.

It’s then that we realize that somewhere along the way, we’ve become biologically washed up. With no sex life and no sex appeal, we’re no longer relevant to the circle of life. We begin to feel unwanted and depressed. We start to miss the flirt, the chase…the thrill of sexual possibilities. Ironically, both spouses will come face to face with his/her own feeling of sexual loss. However, neither will attempt to fill this void for the other. Usually because we’re both too busy trying to maintain every other relationship in the daily grind…forgetting that a happy sweetie promises a different grind altogether. We go out of our way to please other people. Bosses, friends, co-workers. Why? Because we know that our bosses, our friends, or our co-workers can, and will, walk out on us at any time. We don’t take these relationships for granted. So we see the value in the work needed to maintain them. But our spouses…we take them for granted. We don’t work on the marital relationship because it’s the one place we think we can afford to get lazy and fall asleep on the job.

Divorce…and remarriage…statistics beg to differ.

The cold hard truth is…what we take for granted, someone just around the corner is all too eager to appreciate.

Whatever the cost to our social or family life, we’re drawn to flirty appreciation like an oompa loompa to shoe lifts. It boosts our egos, stimulates our sex drives, and spices up our lives. We need to flirt to feel special…to feel connected. We need it emotionally and sexually. So, if no one is flirting with us at home, we begin to feel stagnant. We grow bored with our marriage AND ourselves. And we’re all the more receptive to outside flirts.

Marriage is monotonous…on a good day. If we want to keep it fresh and romantic, we can’t put away our dazzling peacock plumage just because we’re too lazy to strut it. We need to continue displaying our assets. Otherwise, life clouds our memory. And we both forget why we fell in love in the first place. The flirt, the tease, the challenge, the FUN…this is what keeps our spouse true and still believing in “I do.”

Why flirting with the one that matters…matters?

* It’s adult play. We never outgrow our need for play. Make your spouse your toy.

* It boosts both egos. Flirting gives us a sense of power. Whether we’re the hunter or the prey, we all enjoy a good chase. It validates our sexual worth.

* It’s the language of love…promising the continual emotional connection we seek so ruthlessly.

* It reminds our spouse that we’re still very much attracted to them…translation: “I don’t take you for granted!”

* It’s healthy for children to witness our playful love. It provides them a sense of security and models a healthy, loving relationship.

* It will eventually lead to sex. Filthy, dirty sex…somewhere.

Teasing Tactics:

* Be witty and challenging.

* Tackle a chore your sweetie usually takes care of.

* Wear flirty clothes…or no clothes.

* Snuggle…give back rubs or massages.

* Engage in sexy, suggestive banter. Remember, the brain is our most sexual organ.

* Compliment. Flattery will get you everywhere.

* Send romantic/sexy texts or emails…either as yourself…or the sultry stranger who’s been lusting from afar.

* Create a special hand signal (sign language) for a romantic/sexy message just between the two of you.

It’s our nature to follow the flirt. When it comes to your sweetie, turn up your tease…

Lead the way.

Chick Hughes is a wife of 15 years, mother of 2, and lover of psychology. She holds a B.S. in Psychology and offers insight, advice, and humor on relationships, sex, and family. She has extensive experience with children, but now stays home with her own children, Patrick (9) and Anna (3), who both delight and challenge her daily. You can visit her website at http://www.chickhughes.comto read more of her work. Or you can visit her fan page on Facebook, Chick Hughes, where you can participate in discussions relating to her current topic.

Are You Nurturing or Sinking Your Marriage?

If a flower isn’t watered it eventually dies….Right?

The answer to the above question isn’t rocket science.  Think about it.  We nurture our children, we nurture our jobs in order to keep them, we nurture our parents when they need us, we even nurture our friendships etc. etc.  The list goes on and on.  However, when it comes to our most important relationship, the one we share with our life partners, we tend to take for granted that it will always be okay.  We tell ourselves that we will make time for him/her tomorrow.  Well, more often than not, tomorrow becomes the next day and the next day becomes next week and so on.  When your relationship becomes stale, you are flabbergasted and cant figure out why it is sinking. 

A relationship as sacred as that in which we share with our spouse absolutely needs to be nurtured.   Your marriage nor your feelings have to fall into the trap of complacency.  In fact, being aware of some of the bad habits that you might be displaying can keep you from going down that path.  Some of those habits might include:

• Focusing only on the negative aspects and not the positive.
• Not paying attention to your spouse.
• Nitpicking.
• Bickering.
•  Using language that doesn’t reflect your togetherness (i.e., the way you talk about the good and bad times).

Granted, there are a lot of stress factors going on in these days and times in our lives which can lead us to focus more on whats negative in our personal relationships but for every negative, you should be able to find 5 positives about your spouse that will remind you of why you chose to spend your life with that person.   In the words of Kela Price, “marriage is hard, remarriage is even harder.”  Keeping your marriage alive and healthy will be a test to your strength as a couple but is essential.  As I discussed above, the arch nemesis of marriage is complacency.  We cannot just think that just because we have made a commitment to one another that we don’t have to work hard at it to keep it alive.  Only you and your spouse can ensure that your relationship will stay exciting.  Only you and your spouse can make sure that your marriage stays afloat and only you and your spouse can nurture your love.

The number one necessity in succeeding at nurturing your marriage is romance.  No matter how secure you think you are in your relationship, if you are not romancing your partner, your marriage is not secure.  The following are some tips to help you along the way:

• Talk, Talk, Talk!  Maintaining open communication is your lifeline.  Communication is key to building a solid bond and allows you to discuss your feelings, concerns, hopes and desires.  You won’t know your spouse if you don’t communicate.
• Show Your Interest.  If you don’t like sports, fake it till you make it!  If football season is crucial to your husband, do your best to show interest with him.  If you just cant stomach watching a whole game, buy him a couple tickets to enjoy with a friend!  If your wife loves the nail salon and you hate it, surprise her with a gift card from her local place.  These “little things” mean a lot. 
• No Bickering.  Pick your battles.  Ask yourself, is this really worth it?  If it is something that really bothers you, then obviously you need to talk about it with your spouse.  However, if it is just something that you want to nit pick about, pick your battles because their could be a war over the horizon.
• Appreciation.  Everyone needs to know that they matter.  Every human being desires to be appreciated.  Men and women alike.  Let your spouse know how much they mean to you.
• Quality Time.  Take time to have quality, alone time with your partner.  Cut the lights out, light the candles after the kids have gone to bed, turn the music on and slow dance!  Take a long walk in the park and don’t discuss any problems, only focus on your spouse.  Institute a regular date night.  Once per week would be ideal but at least twice a month.  Get away for the weekend alone.  Renewing your energy with your spouse is key to keeping it alive and fresh.
• Recreate Your First Date.  Remember that anxious feeling you had when you first met?  Get that feeling back again and go to the same place you were on your first date!  It works wonders.
• Leave Eachother Love Notes.  Text messages are great for leaving quick notes, but a good old-fashioned handwritten note is even better.  Lay it on your wife’s pillowcase or in her car, she wont be able to wait to see you that night. 
• Get Steamy in your Sex Life.  Need I say more?  Be creative, try new things.  Spice it up!  Use your imagination!
• Say “I Love You” Often.  Those simple three words are like music to your spouses ears!  Say them often. 

TMF Readers, remember, its usually the smallest tokens of affection that lead to happiness in your marriage.  It doesn’t take any money to tune into you and your partners feelings and needs.  I know when my needs are not being met, I get irritable and cranky with myself and the people I love.  Our marital ships become unstable when we are not “tuning in, paying attention and nurturing” marriages.  Don’t let your ship sink!  Nurture your vessel.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Does Marriage Equal Love?

Have you ever heard someone say that marriage and love have nothing in common?  I recently overheard a conversation where that statement was made and I began to explore my own thoughts, the thoughts of some of my friends, and researched the topic.  I felt compelled to write this post in order to help our readers to motivate their marriage because I, undeniably, am a sucker for a fairy tale marriage. 

Some have said that marriage and love have nothing in common because they are actually at opposite ends of the spectrum.  Granted, some marriages are as a result of love but what about true love?  Is love really a result of the marriage itself or do you fall  in love after marriage?  I read somewhere once that marriage is actually an “insurance pact” and that it’s return on the investment are insignificantly small.

 I have to disagree.   Marriage and it’s return are 100-fold, and in my opinion, is much more than all of the above statements.  It’s me and my husband’s confidence in one another’s protection and passion, our bond and intense craving of each other, our vision, goals and ever so important, our friendship.  It’s mastering our grace together, our ability to teach our children what the “bond” of marriage means and having humility.

Of course, I am not living on cloud 9.  I know that the divorce rate in the United States and abroad is skyrocketing  and I am certainly aware that some marriages without love last years and years, but forging a solid marriage takes commitment.  Websters dictionary describes the word commitment as “together to bind, as by a promise; to make a pledge.  Marriage is hard work, and I believe, if love had nothing in common with marriage, this pledge in itself would be impossible.

I will even admit that my marriage takes a little extra work being I live in a blended family. We have been married for nearly 7 years, together off and on for 10 and we still struggle from time to time. It is my belief that every marriage experiences personal hurts, personality differences and challenges. But it is the extra effort that we put into it that breeds into our love and allows us to work through any issues that may arise. We focus on one anothers needs above our own. We talk, talk, talk. We view our marriage as long-term, always, even through the differences of opinion, through the pain when we are faced with a disagreement. We constantly remind ourselves of where we have been and the growth that has taken place in our marriage. Most importantly readers, we adjust our expectations of one another. No marriage is perfect, certainly not mine, but if we are committed to our spouses and our families, we make adjustments.

So, in answer to the question relative to this post…”Does marriage equal love?”  Marriage and love go hand-in-hand as long as there are two people who view their relationship as whole and who are willing to make the commitment because love isn’t enough.  You have to have commitment and all that it entails.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Drama Free Date Night

It is no surprise that with all the stress of family life, we as couples don’t take enough time out to nuture our marriages and relationships.  In order to grow together as a couple, we have to be able to enjoy one another’s company and we cannot do that with all the distractions that come along with our day-to-day lives.  Of course, our children are important to us but our marriages have to be more important.  That seems odd to think about for most people, but as husbands and wives, we have to accept that in order to be any good to our children as a couple, our marriages and remarriages have to be the first priority.  These times we share alone together not only allow us to grow, but they allow us to rekindle the reason why we fell in love in the first place.

We cannot let the spark die in our (re)marriages.  There is more to it than just “going out” and having time alone.  It’s about sharing your love and creating understanding and feeling the true companionship between the two of you.  For example, remember when you couldn’t wait for a date night with your mate before you got married?  Well, unfortunatley, when we get married, at times we fall into the trap of thinking that all of that has to end because we have a ring on our finger and a piece of paper confirming our status.  Having anticipation for one another doesn’t have to be lost in married life.  If money is an issue, even on a limited budget, you can have a fabulous drama-free date night with your spouse.  The lesson here is that as (re)married couples, we need to continue to courting one another as we did in the beginning in order to seize our marriages and make them all the more fulfilling.

Here are a few ideas to help you along the way:

1. No kids allowed!  No excuses.  Make an arrangement with a babysitter, and older sibling, a friend or a grandparent.
2. Catch a  movie or a matinee together. 
3. Go shopping together!  Your lady will love this one!
4. Get away for a  night to a hotel just the two of you. 
5. Set a dinner date night twice a month.  (This can be either at home — after the kids go to bed or out to a restaurant – which would be my preference.

If you are financially strained, here are a few fun options:

1. Have a date night at home.  Try to arrange the kids to be elsewhere and order pizza and a movie and have at it!
2. Go for a drive.  My husband and I do this all the time. This may not seem like a date, but being this is semi-free (with the exception of gas), you may be able to splurge for a cheap hotel room for a few hours!  Who says married couples can’t be a bit naughty from time to time.
3. Begin a project together.  This is another great one that I love.  Say you have been talking about painting that room for a year.  Well, get rid of the kiddos for the evening, buy that gallon of paint and the two of you get at it.  It’s not just something you can make romantic, but it is also improving on something the two of you share, your home.
4. Cook together.  Decide upon what your menu should be and cook together.  Nothing is more romantic to me than sharing the kitchen and having your husband nuzzle up to your neck while you are both “trying” to concentrate on the menu at hand.
5. Read a book together, look at old photos, etc.  You can even watch your favorite television programs together or play a board game after the children go to sleep.
6. Wash the car.  This is very romantic if you make it that way!  Fun fun!
7. Take a long walk together as often as you can.
8. Put the music on and dance, dance, dance! 
9. Go to an old fashioned drive-in movie. 
10. Plan out your goals together. 

Remember, having a drama free date night is your way of keeping your romance and marriage alive.  Don’t be afraid to show your passion for one another.  It doesn’t take a lot of money, just a commitment to one another.  This commitment is what your children see and learn from.  It is what teaches them what to expect from a healthy marriage.   Reach back to when you first began together, a whole lot of money wasn’t needed to have a fun, romantic and special time together.  As Keith Sweat so eloquently sang…”Make it Last Forever!”

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Listening is an Act of Love

Every marriage and remarriage suffers and struggles to find and learn how to communicate effectively.  Most of us hear our spouses but the question that begs a true answer is this….”Do we truly listen to our spouse?”  Are we really, truly listening to them?  Honestly, every couple that I have ever met with struggles in this area.  We all do.  The reason behind this failure is because we are all a work in progress.  Our marriages and remarriages are constantly evolving and changing.  It’s hard to be on our toes at all times but did you know that listening to our spouses is really one of the most important acts of love?

Sharing what is in our hearts with our spouses is so important.  It’s extra easy to share all of our day-to-day frustrations and what is on the top of our minds, but truly sitting down and sharing what is important to us as spouses seems to be something that we don’t do enough as life partners.  For example, one of the biggest issues I see with couples I meet with is that when they are communicating, one partner might reject the “feelings” of their spouse instead of truly listening and hearing them out.  When this occurs, what your spouse takes from this is that you are basically rejecting them and judging them based on their “feelings.”  Feelings in communication are neither right or wrong.  What you do with your feelings is what creates those right or wrong situations.  There are many advantages to mastering the art of listening in your relationship.  Here are a few advantages:

• You will achieve a deeper intimacy with your spouse;
• You will learn the difference between thoughts and emotions and how to respectively deal with both;
• You will learn to accept that feelings come and go and change quickly;
• You will learn not to make decisions based on feelings;
• You gain trust , acceptance, honesty and acceptance from your partner.

Finding the right words is also a very important tool to have in your communication toolbox.  Use words to describe your feelings so that you don’t leave your partner guessing what you are going through.  For example:

• Abandoned, accepted, alive, aone, aloof, appreciative, attacked, bad, belittled, bitter, closed,  cheated, cheerful, concerned, contempt, controlled, deceived, defensive, doubtful….etc.

While giving you the right words to say, I would be remiss if I didn’t give you the words not to say.  Here are a few examples:

• WHATEVER.  This is the worst word you can use to effectuate communication.  What you are saying to your spouse when you use the word “whatever” is that you don’t care at all what your spouse is saying.  Essentially, you are saying “you are not important enough to me for me to listen to you.”
• I DON’T CARE.  This is self-explanatory and just plain rude.  And, if you truly feel this way, you shouldn’t be married or in a relationship where you are required to have communication.
• DUMB.  Using the word “dumb” is awful.  Basically, you are negating everything your partner is saying by using such a degenerative word.

Talking about your feelings to your partner will improve your overall communication by leaps and bounds.  Marriage is not a guessing game.  Finding the right words and using as many of them as possible to paint a picture for your spouse allows them to see things more clearly and to understand with more clarity exactly how you are feeling.  Remember, the purpose of exploring your partners feelings is to help you to better understand him/her, not to change how they feel.  Accepting how they feel, agreeing to disagree instead of manipulating them to feel as you do only strengthens what you are building.  Listening to one another intently builds trust and longevity.  It is extremely important to remember that in good marriages, both partners continually negotiate and re-negotiate.  Truly listening helps you to accept your partner for who they are and helps you to identify when you need to get on the path of renegotiation.  It helps you to appreciate the person you fell in love with and is a true act of love.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Laughter: An Important Key To Your Relationship!

“Laughter gives us distance.  It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on….Bob Newhart”

Isn’t there just something extra special and charming about a man or woman who can make you laugh.  My husband is definitely that man for me.  It’s one of the best traits he has.  Being able to laugh in your relationship adds a completely different and important dimension to your relationship.  It adds to your marriage and gives it that extra zing which comes in handy when tensions arise.

Milton Berle once said that “laughter is an instant vacation.”  Think about that statement and how it relates to our marriages and remarriages.  If we are able to remember that in the instance of an argument we can find something to laugh about then we literally “get away” from the stress and drama of what might be causing our tension.  Laughter is more than an efficient tool to have in our (re)marriage tool box, it is essential to the health and emotional state of same.

Laughter is play and good marriages are playful.  Couples who can laugh at themselves and together are actually much stronger when situations arise between them.  However, keep in mind it is important to have balance when it comes to laughter and joking.  There are lots of ways to bring healthy humor and laughter into your marriage.  Of course it’s important to remember that sometimes humor can hurt if it isn’t used properly so here are a few tips to guide you along the way:

• Be more aware of humorous moments together
• Be playful together; playing brings on laughter
• Reflect back on the funny situations that have happened in the past with you and your partner
• Keep your humor clean when it comes to your spouse.  Don’t offend.
• Your humor should never be at your spouse’s expense (i.e., joking about weight and/or how they look in general.  That is hurtful.

My husband is not just my life partner, but my lover, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend and my security blanket.  If I have a bad day at work or with a friend, he always has a reason to make me laugh out of the situation.  He has an uncanny ability to make me smile even if I don’t feel like it — I really think it’s because he loves to see my big dimples when I smile (only because he tells me that all the time).  I guess I could have married a stuffy-shirted serious man but I don’t think I would have had near as much fun as I have with my husband. 

Life can be as funny as we make it out to be.  Look for laughter in your daily experiences and share them with your spouse and/or significant other.  Humor in our relationships builds trust and mutual respect.  Take it from me, the benefits are enormous.  Let’s get to more laughter TMF Readers.  Your relationship is worth it!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

RECIPE FOR LOVE

“Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.”  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

A little bit of me and a whole lot of you.  Add a dash of starlight and a dozen roses, too.  Then let it rise for a hundred years or two.  It doesn’t need sugar ’cause it’s already sweet.  It doesn’t need an oven ’cause it’s got a lot of heat.  Just add a dash of kisses to make it all complete, and that’s the recipe for making love.  

The truth in Harry Connick, Jr. words to his song “A Recipe for Love” stated above says it all.  Allowing yourself to receive love is just as important as giving love.  More importantly, another important ingredient to the Recipe for Love is to believe in your love which is profound to any marriage.  Of course, there will be times when conflict rears its ugly head but it is how you deal with those conflicts that matter the most.   For example, it is super important to remember that you love your spouse so this simple or maybe not so simple argument will not break you.  Be mindful at all times that you can work through anything together.  Trust in your love.  Show your commitment to your partner by making sure he or she knows that breaking up or leaving is not an option.  Share your goals so that you stay on the same page and understand one another’s direction.

Keep your love alive, vibrant and healthy by showing appreciation for your spouse and reminding yourself why you fell in love.  Do something every single day to show your appreciation for your spouse.  This does not mean you have to send flowers, etc. every day, but simple gestures such as leave each other text messages or notes on the pillow, passionate hugs and soft kisses work too.  These small love gestures remind us of how important we are to each other.

Remember TMF readers, the smallest things you do will leave the biggest impression on your marriage, remarriage and relationships.  It is truly one of the biggest components in the recipe of love.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

10 Tips for Building a Strong (Re)Marriage

It amazes me at how many couples take marriage for granted, especially the couples who enter the marriage with challenges, such as kids and ex-spouses. For some reason, most are convinced that love some how conquers all and once it gets difficult, it must mean that you just don’t love each other anymore. Perhaps it’s the reason that our divorce rate in America is so high and the divorce rate for second marriages is even higher. Listen closely because I am about to let you in on a little secret. Are you ready? Marriage is hard and remarriage is even harder. Both take continuous effort on both participants’ parts to build a strong union. Below are ten tips to help  you build a strong (re)marriage.

Learn to Forgive

This is probably one of, if not the most important tip to maintaining a successful marriage. Forgiveness is essential to truly moving past any hurt that your spouse may have caused you. The truth is people hurt people all the time, be it intentionally or unintentionally; and because marriage involves two people, it is no different. Therefore, if you decide to stay married after the hurtful behavior then you have to make a decision to forgive and let it go. There is no room in your marriage for holding grudges.

Do Things Together

A strong union requires that the two people actually spend time together and like it. Spend time with your spouse doing or learning about something that you enjoy doing together. Take a dance class together, or buy a cookbook and prepare a different dish together every month. Do things that require team work, touching and communicating but are fun as well. Learning something new together helps to build memories as a couple and strengthens your bond.

Relive Old Memories

When you’re stuck in a rut it’s hard to remember the good times, but doing so can often times bring you out of that rut. Every now and then, bring up an old funny story that involves you both. Talk about your honeymoon or your first kiss or the first time one of you did something silly in front of the other. These serve as little reminders that the person you fell in love with and married is still in there somewhere.

Talk – A LOT

When you ask your spouse how his or her day was, act like you really want to know the answer. By that same token, when you tell your spouse about your day, avoid the “it was good” answers. Instead briefly let each other into your respective worlds while you were away from each other. Tell that funny story about a co-worker. Talk about something interesting you heard or the news. Describe something cute that the baby did. Engaging in friendly conversation (not about bills or problems) is  way of maintaining your connection.

Be Kind and Generous

This one seems kind of funny to mention, huh? Well, you’d be surprised at how many couples show kindness to people outside of their marriage, such as co-workers, soccer coaches or the Walmart cashier, but take their spouses for granted. Be kind, thoughtful and generous to each other. If you get a bottle of water out of the refrigerator, take one to your spouse too, without him or her asking. On your way home from work, pick up your spouse’s favorite candy bar or magazine – just because. Cherish and treat each other like the king and queen that you both are.

Focus on What You Like About Each Other

I often hear from couples that they each only notice and point out each other’s mistakes. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like having my mistakes constantly thrown up in my face. If all you do is remind your spouse of their mistakes and wrongdoings, they’ll begin to question why you even want to be with him or her in the first place. Instead, focus on what each of you do that you like and make it a point to verbalize that you to your spouse.

Laugh Together

The old saying, “laughter is the best medicine” is so true. Be silly and goofy with and around each other. The couple who can laugh together and actually be friends, holds the key to longevity.

Stick Together

In a (re)marriage, there is no room for divided loyalties! If your marriage is under attack by an ex-spouse, in-law or even your respective children, stick together during these stressful times. Decide how you’re going to handle the situation and then present a united front. During stressful times remember that you are both on the same team so stick together.

Learn to Say I’m Sorry

You’d be surprised at how impactful those three little words are. As a matter of fact sometimes the words, “I am sorry” are more meaningful and powerful than “I love you.” If you had a bad day and you know you just berated your spouse for no reason, make it a point to apologize. Admitting when you are wrong shows humility and can help to build trust in your relationship.

Write it Down

It is essential that you remain on the same page (or at least in the same book) with your spouse on all issues, especially those involving the kids. Discuss rules and consequences for the kids, including bedtimes, homework times, computer and video time and allowance and write it down. Writing it down and placing it in an area that is visible to you both helps to keep you on the same page.

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