10 Tips to Succeed at Second Chance Marriages as well as First

CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement!  This is a wonderfully joyous time in your life and I share your excitement with you.   Second Chance Marriages attribute to the increase of blended families.  Equipped with more wisdom and experience about what marriage is and what it requires, Second Chance Marriages prove to be sweet success stories.  I’ve created this complimentary report for you, “10 Tips to Succeed at a Second Chance Marriage as Well as a First,” as a keepsake reminder of several key ingredients needed for a continued blissful life together.  The contents are priceless.  As a Life Celebrations Designer, and owner of Sheer Elegant Events, a Full-Service Wedding and Event Planner, I am also a Second Chance Bride.  Here, I share with you tips to apply in your marriage that will give you great leverage for a successful Second Chance Marriage.  These tips are equally essential to First Time Married Couples.

1. Continue what you’ve started. When you decide to take a vacation, you plan your trip in a detailed fashion.  You have a vision of all the sites you’d like to see, and of all the things you’d like to do.  So, plan the type of relationship you want to have!  Do now what it takes to have what you want in your marriage now and later — success and longevity.  Plant the seeds.  Cultivate them.  Many people forget that they have a voice and a choice in everything that they do!  That means that you can choose to have a successful marriage and write your own blueprint for it.  Then follow it, live it, for real.  For example, generally speaking, a man appreciates when his wife continues to be the woman he married.  His love stretches far and wide into eternity, when she continues to display all of the loving qualities that captured his heart, mind and soul.  A woman, likewise, appreciates it, when her husband consistently continues to do the loving things he did to win over her affections.  This helps her to continue to see him in a way that allows her to keep respecting and honoring him.  So if what you have to work with works for you, keeping working it!  Continue what you start.  It is imperative that you do not get so comfortable with one another that you begin to forget to honor one another, to consider the other’s feelings and concerns, to grow in your professions, spirituality, and in love.  Learn one another.  Know one another better than anyone else does.  Love one another in a way that no one but God can love you more.  Because in the end, people and things, including your children, will all be gone one day, and all you’ll have is each other until the end.

2. Be On One Accord. Keep each other first. Matrimony is a holy sacrament between a man and a woman, and it is blessed by God.  Therefore, everything must be done in decency and in order.  When the two of you are on one accord, that is to say, two individuals with respective gifts and talents, becoming one in your core beliefs and value systems, you become a united front.  You are one machine whose variable parts work in concert together.  Keep one another tuned up with regular maintenance, like each one taking care of the other’s heart, emotions, and dreams, and each of you working together for the common good of both of you.  Never forsake one another, and never put anyone but God before one another.

3. Blended Families. Blended families consist of both Second Chance and First Time Married Couples with children, making at least one parent a stepparent.  Unless you are empty nesters, a lot of your married life and time will be devoted to raising and supporting your children.  There are five sub-key points to consider that are relative to blended families, and they are very important.

• Setting Expectations. Agree on and clarify what your family expectations are. The value of being on one accord, is that it shows the unity and peace in your relationship. Approach any concerns with one mindset and one voice, with one set of rules and regulations, with one set of plans and expectations, and with one love. This means you both will be in agreement on how to manage important issues. Speak lovingly, yet candidly with your children (in an age appropriate way) concerning the new changes in your life that will now affect their lives. Explain what they can expect and what will be expected of them. It may take several discussions over time for everyone to reasonably adjust. It may not, depending on the ages of the children, and any possible negative influences from the other parents aka the “ex.” It is very important that they see you two as a united front, and that when one gives an answer to the best of their ability, they speak for both of you. You must trust each other and one another’s judgment. Never disagree in front of the children, because this shows dissention and lack of unity, something that they will potentially use to manipulate both of you (as children do sometimes). It can cause a crucial breakdown in communication and in your relationship. Support one another and be preventive rather than be divided and prescriptive.
• Be Realistic. As the stepparent, be careful not to become overzealous with expectations that the children will accept you and your marriage to their biological parent. Some children struggle with jealousy [about you stealing their attention and time from their parent], resentment [of your marriage which has crushed their hope for their parents' reconciliation], or disloyalty [remaining formal and distant so they won't compromise their loyalty to the other (angry) parent]. Make sure that you are able to accept and deal with whatever the outcome, and that you will be able to sincerely love them regardless, and without bias. It is important that the love and understanding from both of you is equal for all of the children.
• Unpack Your Baggage. Identify and address all negative influences of your “ex” that could potentially impact your relationship and/or your relationship with your children. Each of you should deal with and resolve (head on) any unresolved issues with the “ex” in your life, so that you maintain uncompromised peace and stability in your marriage. Keep it classy and peaceful if at all possible, because children live what they learn. When you two consistently show love and respect for one another, and others, against all odds, your children will respond to that love and respect, making the transition easier.
• Set Structure. You must set family structure. Be clear about what is and is not acceptable. Acknowledge and reward compliance. Correct noncompliance.
• Set Rules. Agree on what the rules are, and how you plan to raise, educate, correct and discipline your children. Ideally, between the four parents, all should cooperate and agree on one best practice for achieving these goals. Focus on the objective: the welfare and benefit of the children and your marriage. Suggest win-win solutions.

4. Strength Is the Secret to Success.  The strength of Second Chance Marriages, or any marriage, is a God centered married life that is regularly nurtured.  Worship together (meditate, or practice whatever centers your life, respectfully), as you do everything else together.  Pray for one another, never prey on one another.

5. Command Respect.  As a stepparent, always respect the other parent’s role and position in their children’s lives.  Do not try to compete for the affections of the children.  Do not intentionally be offensive to the other parent in any way.   To deal with any negative feelings, journal the things that are negatively affecting you, and discuss them with your spouse.  Command your respect by first giving respect.

6. Money Matters.  Mature newlyweds may be more concerned with health care, retirement, their children’s trusts, wills, and pensions.  Both, the mature and young newlyweds, alike, may each have different money views and values that will require compromise and negotiation.  Prenuptial agreements protect preexisting financial securities, and family interests.  Although it is common, not everyone uses them.  A working partnership is a must to manage finances.  Full disclosure is essential, and so is the need for couples to find and to apply solutions to any problems.

7. What’s in a Name. Sometimes children, younger or older, welcome a remarriage for their parent.  In this case, the adjustments are smoother sooner. Allow them to warm up to you and settle into giving you the title of respect and endearment that is natural and comfortable for them.  They may call you mom or dad, stepmom or stepdad, or simply Mr. or Mrs. (fill in your name).  The most important thing is that you are now family.  Love, honor, accept, protect, encourage, nurture, and enjoy them.  The new parent should do their best to always address them with peace, love, and joy, and to try not to take everything personal.  Sometimes there may be disagreements.  All families experience them sometimes.  Do not make a mountain out of a molehill!  Be quick to apologize and forgive, and continue to love.  At those awkward times when there is nothing good to say, say nothing!  Love like there is no “step” in front of stepparent.  Just love with the heart of a mom or dad, and they will receive it and return the love like they are your children.  After all, they are.

8. Mind Your Manners.  Do not take your wife or husband for granted.  Remember to be courteous and kind.  Just like you were taught, “thank you” and “please” still mean a lot and go a long way.  Always consider, protect and support your spouse in all aspects as you would yourself.  Maintain faithfulness, integrity and respect for one another in words, thoughts and in deeds.

9. Your Way Is Not The Only Way.  You were not always one team.  You come from different backgrounds, were raised differently, and have different ways of doing things.  Adjusting to living together, and accepting one another’s habits can be challenging at times, to say the least.  You do not have to say everything that you think.  Everything does not have to be done your way.  Sometimes sacrifice and compromise will be required.  To lessen or to avoid complaints, insults or arguments, change your focus and your mindset.  Remember all the attributes that you love about your spouse.  “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” - Philippians 4:9.   Then compromise on different ways to do things.  It is always good to know more than one route to any destination, and more than one way to accomplish any task.  Use your differences to strengthen your personal weaknesses or to enhance and compliment your strengths.

Mind Your Business.  What goes on in your marriage, stays in your marriage!  Be very careful about the information you share about your spouse, and to whom you share it.  Most people won’t let you forget any negative information you share and are just looking for drama.  Whenever needed, talk to people who are successful in their marriage.  Preferably, the husband should talk to another husband or male friend, not to his female co-worker.  Similarly, the wife should talk to another wife or female friend, not to her male childhood friend.  Basically, if you don’t want to hear about it again, mind your business by either keeping it to yourself, or ensuring that you tell someone who can keep it in good confidence, and who will give you wise counsel and encouragement about your situation.  As much as possible, communicate with one another about everything.  Become one another’s best friend.

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This post was written by guest blogger, Wanda Williamson, wife, stepmom, wedding planner (who specializes in second chance wedding celebrations) and owner of  Sheer Elegant Events.

Express Yourself Through Music

I love music! It is clearly one of the most powerful tools for expression. There’s just something about a great song that has the ability to touch my soul. It touches it in a way that makes me truly feel and relate to what the artist is trying to express. Some of my favorite artists are Rascal Flats, Bonnie Rait, Alicia Keys, Sam Cooke, Amel Larrieux, Michael Jackson and countless others.

Rascal Flats song, What Hurts the Most, reminds me that I never want to be in a position of regret with my husband. I never want to allow the drama to infiltrate our marriage in such a way that I neglect to say the things that I’ve wanted to say and that I know he needs to hear. Below is the course.

What hurts the most is being so close; having so much to say, but watching you walk away. And never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do.

And Michael Jackson’s, Lady in my Life, is a song that reminds me of how I want to continue loving my husband.

Baby through the years even when we’re old and gray I will love you more each day cause you will always be the lady (man) in my life.

Whether that emotion is pain, happiness, love or lust, music is a great form of communication. It allows couples to express themselves when they are at a loss for words and need to apologize for something. It also another great exercise for couples to use as yet another way to remind the other of their love for him or her. You can play the song that you first kissed to, the song that you first danced to at your wedding, or the song that just reminds you of how you feel for your spouse. All are great ways to remind your spouse just how much he or she means to you, are bound to bring back some sweet memories and even help create some new ones.

Additionally, music has the ability to allow couples who have lost the connection to reconnect or to strengthen an existing connection. As a matter of fact, a homework assignment that I give to my clients who are either stuck in the drama and need to be reminded to focus on them, or who just need to express the inexpressible, is a music exercise. They are instructed to choose a song that explains how they feel about their mate. Then they play the song for him or her and explain why they chose it. Couples often times get very emotional during this exercise because music evokes emotion in such a way that the person you’re expressing yourself to truly understands. If both parties are committed to the exercise, it is an excellent way to build couple strength.

So play your favorite love song for your hubby or wife. Get him or her in the mood with the Isley Brother’s song, In Between the Sheets, or let him or her know that You’ll Love Him Like You’ll Never See Him Again, by Alicia Keys. No matter what the reason or just for no reason at all, go and express yourself.

Love Stories: Is Marriage Necessary?

One of our favorite writers and fellow stepmom, author of Stepmonster, Wednesday Martin, wrote an insightful article on Psychology Today about the necessity of marriage. This article provoked some stimulating conversation between my husband and I and we’d love to hear what you think regarding the question -  Is Marriage Necessary? Check out the article below and let us know what you think.

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, some recent, highly-publicized non-fiction debuts are sure to get you in the mood for romance. Staying True, by Jenny Sanford, chronicles the very public breakdown of her marriage to South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, who wasn’t hiking on the Appalachian Trail after all. Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb (the subtitle of which–the Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, says it all) accuses you of being too picky and urges you to snap up that guy who’s an 8 rather than waiting for the 10. And The Politician, Andrew Young’s new, explosive tell-all about John Edwards, details his infidelity and exposes, for our lurid delectation, the operatic fights and the second family he started while his wife was struggling with cancer.

Granted, these books don’t describe the experiences of most of us. Hopefully our relationships are not all colored by messianic narcissism, bigamy, and profound cynicism about pairing off “before it’s too late.”Bottom of Form

But in their own dramatic and overblown ways, these books speak a quieter, less dramatic truth: marriage isn’t what we think it is, and it isn’t easy. Plenty of marriages aren’t doing well. While divorce rates for first marriages have settled from a high in the 1980s of around 50% to 43% according to the most recent Census, 43% is no cause for dancing in the streets. Especially when you consider that in remarriages with children, divorce rates divorce rates may be as high as 72%, according to E. Mavis Hetherington, the respected psychologist, family researcher, and author of the lauded 30-year Virginia Longitudinal Study.

Why? Much ink has been spilled and much breath has been spent and many workshop fees have been forked over in the interest of what’s wrong with marriages, and how to improve them, to make them more satisfying, equitable, sexually exciting, emotionally healthy, nurturing, and harmonious. Saving marriages is a multi-million dollar industry, and we know from first-hand experience, many of us, that it can work. Marriages, some of them, can be saved.

But Marriage probably cannot.

While marital and couples therapists tell us how to save our marriages, sociology, anthropology, and human behavioral ecology suggest that it isn’t so much married couples as Marriage itself, the institution, that’s in trouble. The problem with marriages is really the fundamental problem with Marriage: marriages are falling apart in large part because Marriage is no longer necessary. At least, not in the way it once was.

Sociologists and historians of marriage tell us that marriage was originally a business transaction of sorts, rather than an undertaking hinging on the attraction and love between two individuals. Historically in western culture, people from wealthy families were directed to marry in order to create bonds, alliances, and mutual obligations with other powerful families-or even between nations, in the case of royals. For the lower classes, marriage was a question of creating a labor force to run a farm or small business. Households were production-centered economies in which men’s and women’s labor were complementary, and kids they had together or brought together from previous unions (maternal mortality rates were high until the late 19^th century) pitched in. Marriage was necessary. And remarriage with children after the death of a spouse-a common occurrence until relatively recently-was considered the most civic-minded thing a man or woman could do. The household and by extension all of society depended on it, after all.

But by the early 20^th century, marriage historian Stephanie Coontz points out, with the notions of the individual, liberty, and equality well-established by the Enlightenment and French and American revolutions, and the subsequent rise of the love match, marriage had become a different animal entirely. Marriage morphed from institutional, in the famous formulation of sociologist Ernest Burgess, to companionate and now, something more individualistic. Marriage is now expected to nurture, satisfy and support the members of the couple in a dizzyingly comprehensive variety of ways-emotionally, sexually, psychologically.

Click here to read the rest of this story.

Infidelity is No Longer Taboo

It’s all over the newspapers, ragmags and television.   The child of John Edwards’  mistress is his daughter.   Tiger Woods and his 14 “other women.”  We can’t seem to escape the subject of infidelity in today’s marriages.

If you have experienced infidelity in your personal relationship or marriage, you’re not alone.  Infidelity is one of the leading reasons for divorce, broken homes, domestic violence and disrupted children.

I recently read a fabulous book entitled “Why Men Cheat” written by Paul Blanchard.  In his book, the statistics concerning men in particular are stunning.  Most surveys taken put male infidelity at a figure above 60% with some studies showing that rate close to 75%.  These same statistics show that although women cheat as well, they are at least twice as faithful as their male counterparts.  Another stunning statistic is the rate among gay males.  It has been estimated that over 90% of gay males in long-term relationships cheat on their partners.

Although the after effects of infidelity often leads to divorce, some partners/spouses are able to muddle their way through to an end result of a stronger marital bond.  However, there are those instances where a partner or spouse learns to accept this type of behavior and the unfaithfulness continues.

According to Mr. Blanchard, only one out of every four men actually leave their wives for the other woman.  This is not surprising to me.  Most men do not cheat on their wives because they don’t love them.  It is usually because they are missing something emotionally.   Most people believe “men will be men” and that they will cheat because of their animalistic ways, but that is not true.  I have talked to several men who have experienced infidelity and almost all of them said they loved their wives but that she couldn’t connect with them emotionally.  This is definitely not a valid excuse, in my opinion;  however, it is something that women need to be made more aware of.  Mr. Blanchard goes on to say that the biggest myth believed by many is the idea that if a man is happily married, he will not cheat.  Wrong again!

As Mr. Blanchard so eloquently states, “love is not a rational feeling.  Sometimes it leads to pure happiness and other times it leads to pain.  It is such a powerful emotion that it changes lives and perspectives.”  My take from that is his reasoning for the above.  People make irrational mistakes that lead to pain in marriages and relationships in general.  It’s what we learn from those mistakes that matter in the end.  Unfortunately, we have to learn that divorce may be the consequence, and fortunately for some, that mistake may lead to a stronger relationship if the right help is asserted.

The institute of marriage has been attacked by infidelity.  Marriage has become less of a commitment and divorce has become an all too easy option.  When we commit to our marriages and take our precious vows, we are supposed to be bound to our trust and to our loyalty to our unions.  As has been often stated, marriage is hard work! Although the path through infidelity is a hard one to take, I believe that one can find restoration and healing through a renewed commitment to yourself and to your marriage as well as  through communication and open counseling.

Let me put out my disclaimer to you readers that by all means, I am not encouraging anyone to stay in an unhealthy marriage.  However, marriage is extremely personal to each individual and where immediately heading to divorce court might be good for one couple, it may not be the answer for the next.

My question would be…”What is your marriage worth to you?”   TMF readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this very touchy subject.  I welcome your thoughts and opinions.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Negative Influences on Your Marriage

Ask yourself this question…”Do you allow outside friends, family members or even ex-partners/spouses influence your marriage or relationship?  At times during any relationship, we all have weak moments where we allow drama to dictate the trials in our lives. Unfortunately, during those same times, outside influences will always try to wedge themselves between our relationships with, at times, shady advice and cloudy guidance.

In some relationships, one of the biggest problems with outside influences can be a person’s own family.  Usually our parents and family feel that because they believe they always have our best interests at heart, they get the right to have an all access pass into our lives.  Often times, they push themselves too far into our personal relationships with our mates and with our children, even to the extent of trying to raise our children.  They want a say in every situation and every decision.  I have even heard of family members who have actually advised their loved one that it’s time to end their relationship or marriage.

With all that being said, however, one might ask where does the real fault lie in this situation?  My answer is simple.  If you allow these outside influences to be the deal breaker in your relationship then you, as an individual, are completely at fault.  If you personally allow an outside influence to become the demise of your relationship and you know for example that this particular person has their own personal issues and storms going on in their lives and further, you even know that they don’t really know what’s best for your family, then you have to personally take ownership for the stress this causes in your relationship.

One tip I like to give is to pay attention to the advice you get and who you get it from.  Always ask yourself…”Is the person from whom I am seeking advice telling me the truth, or simply what I want to hear?”  Also, just because a couple or person has been married for 25 years or in a steady relationship for a long period of time, doesn’t mean they are truly happy.  For example, do not allow your parents’ relationship to be an indicator as to how you should handle your marriage, children or relationship.  If someone really is committed to helping you, they wont enable you just because they love you.  They will let you handle your own personal problems and relationship.

Here are some tips to keep outside influences out of your relationships:

• Instead of communicating about your problems with others, rely on each other and communicate together.
• Only take advice from couples or people you personally know have a strong, successful relationship.  Or, in the alternative, seek a private counselor or pastor.
• Compromise until you find a solution.  Try to find a happy medium when conflicts arise.  It can’t always be your way or the highway.
• Surround yourselves with positive influences.
• Distance yourself from negative influences which cause conflict in your partnership.
• Understand your union.  There will always be challenging times in any relationship.  Communicating concerns, respecting and honoring your differences will allow you and your partner or spouse to understand one another, completely.

The most important people in your relationship are you and your partner.  Eliminating negative outside influences will not only rid you of unnecessary stress, it will strengthen the bond within your relationship by leaps and bounds.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Overwhelmed and Disconnected in a Tough Economy

Today, trying to cultivate a balance between home and work life can be severely stressful. The effects of being overwhelmed and stressed can directly affect the relationship you have with your husband or wife, leaving both of you feeling disconnected. Of course, with the hard economic times currently affecting not just the United States, but every country in the world at this time, these feelings of disconnection become even more extreme with the added pressures of money stress.

The majority of women in the daily workforce in this country are overwhelmed, overworked and extremely disconnected, especially with themselves. They leave their homes to work 8 hours or more daily, come back home to shuffle the children to and from their activities, cook, clean, help with homework, etc., only to start all over again the next day. With this, they leave themselves little or no time for themselves or their spouses. “Exhausted and overwhelmed,” can’t fully explain what some women and men are dealing with during these hard times and I have to admit, I’ve been there, done that myself.

Unfortunately, overwork has also been proven to exacerbate our ongoing health conditions both mentally, physically and emotionally as well. Overwork has been linked to anxiety, depression and many other chronic stress-related disorders. It causes physical pain as well.

Of course, behind all of this is the disconnection with your spouse that can be directly related to this “overworked” syndrome. You give your all to your job during the day, you come home to another 4-6 hours of domestic work including caring for your children and your spouse gets the rest of you. What’s left of you that is – which at times, for your spouse, can seem like and feel like nothing. Women aren’t the only ones affected by being overworked. Due to our challenging economic times today, husbands are working two jobs and sometimes three job and overtime just to make ends meet; finding themselves also becoming disconnected with their wives and family. However, trying to reassess our situations is not easy when there are bills that need to be paid. Finding ways to balance our lives and putting our priorities in order is crucial. Here are a few ways you can achieve balance in order to avoid becoming disconnected:

• Don’t overschedule yourself. If the children’s activities are becoming too much for you to handle, limit each child to one activity outside of the home per week.
• Take some scheduled “time-out” space just for yourself.  Even if it means heading to the nearest Starbucks for an hour or two of reading or to the nearest public library for some quiet time.  Taking care of yourself, first, is crucial to your individual happiness.
• Romance your spouse. You don’t have to go out of the home to do this. Send the children to a babysitter or relative’s house for a couple of hours and have your own special time. Cook a simple dinner, eat together, spend quality time together.
• Work as a team. Do not allow outside influences and stresses to pull you apart. Daily stresses can put enormous pressure on your relationship with your spouse, pick your battles and let go of pettiness.
• Communicate daily. Make a special effort to have good conversation with your spouse.
• Eat meals together. Absorb one another’s wisdom. Showing keen interest in one another and your daily routines will bring you closer
• Laugh together as much as you can. Laughter is good for the soul and for your marriage.

And most importantly,

• PRAY TOGETHER. As the old saying goes. A family that prays together, stays together!

Sustaining a connection with your spouse should be the rule instead of the exception during tough times.  Obtaining this takes a commitment to be individually connected to ourselves, happy and healthy emotionally, physically and mentally as well. The end result will be that the both of you will be collectively committed to one another no matter what the future beholds you.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Relationship Communication 101

In all aspects of a relationship, whether that be in your marriage, your relationships with your children, your friends and even at your place of employment, there has to be a certain level of communication in order to avoid conflict and to sustain healthy relationships.  Simply put, without communication, there is no real relationship.

With that being said, communicating isn’t always that simple, even among people who may have lots in common and share the same views.  This is because to err is human and we all make mistakes.  There are several mistakes that people make when communicating, which in turn can cause a great conversation to get ugly rather quickly:

1.  Aggressive communication to impress outsiders.  Frequently, people will make the mistake of trying to get their point across by trying to over-talk the other party and making the contents of their communication known to all those around in order to convince people to take sides.

2.  Misinterpretation.  You take every thing your spouse is trying to say to you and misinterpret it.  For example, your spouse initiates a conversation about good discipline within your modern family and you twist it by thinking he is attacking your personal parenting skills.  You then let him have it and both of you are frustrated and upset.

3.  Communicating but not hearing.  You don’t like, and have no interest in the subject in which your spouse or loved one is trying to communicate with you about so you purposely put them on “mute-mode.”  At that point, you aren’t paying any real attention to the conversation at all.  End result — no communication at all.

Some helpful tips to alleviate these problems with communication include:

• Attentive listening.  Paying active attention to the conversation and showing real interest shows great respect for the person you are communicating with.  It is very satisfying for a spouse to know that they are being not only listened to, but heard as well.  True listening allows you to feel and understand your spouse or loved one’s needs and feelings.
• Use non-accusatory language. When addressing problems or issues between you and your loved one, begin the conversation by removing the world “You.”  The word “you” when used in conflicting conversation, can be taken as  accusatory at times.  Instead, start with “I feel” or “We.”   Remember, a statement about your personal feelings is hard to challenge and therefore allows for less of a defensive reaction from the other communicator.
• Patience. Lastly, When you are angry, misguided or have misinterpreted something with your spouse or loved one, sometimes it is best to leave certain things unsaid for that moment.  When things cool down and you, your spouse and/or loved one is more approachable, then you can revisit that concern.  But, for the time being, let it go.

Good communication is one of the keys to building any successful relationship whether that relationship be at home with modern family, at school with your friends and teachers or in your marriage as well.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Do you constantly seek approval outside of your marriage?

Isn’t it funny how married people in general seek approval from anyone and everyone who is OUTSIDE of their marriage? We want mom to approve of and agree with all of our parenting choices. We want ex-spouses, even, to approve of our new spouse. If we have kids, we seek their approval as well. Some might even seek the approval of friends. But, often times, the last person we seek approval from is our SPOUSE. Instead, we expect and automatically assume that he or she will be just fine with all of our choices, thereby taking him or her for granted.

There are more than a few passages in the bible that give explanation regarding the institution of marriage.  Genesis 2:23-24 says, “The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called “woman,” for she was taken out of man.’ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

Matthew 19:6 says, “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Ephesians 5:25-31 says, “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”

I didn’t detect anything about ex-spouses, in-laws, parents or friends in any of those statements. A husband and wife are supposed to cling to each other, love each other as they would love themselves and fully support each other in their union. There is no room for anyone else in a marriage.

So many times, I’ve heard husbands say that they just don’t want to upset their EX-wives; children who say that their mothers’ approval of their marriage, their parenting styles and their spouses are like unbearable thorns in their side because they work so hard to gain what they feel they’ll never get - her approval, and even wives who work extra hard to gain the approval of their spouse’s ex-spouse. What I rarely hear or witness any of them doing is considering their spouse’s feelings, thoughts or opinions when it comes to the matter that seek approval on. Well, at least not until I bring it up.

With the divorce rate steadily climbing, it’s no secret that married couples are doing something wrong, and the main problem that I see is couples automatically starting off viewing their marriage as something that is temporary instead of permanent. It is true that your mother will always be your mother; your ex-spouse will always be the parent of your child and your sibling will always be your sibling. However, the same is true of your spouse and you should view him or  her with the same permanency that you do the others.

Now this doesn’t mean that you will never take anybody else’s opinions or feelings into consideration because you will. But, you should work to please your spouse while considering the others, and not the other way around. Your marriage is not a presidential election in which everyone gets a vote. It is about two people and the only people who know what’s going on inside of it are the two people in it. As such, you are the only two people who get a vote.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK! You have to first start with two like-minded people and those two people must be fully committed to putting in work; committed to making each other happy, committed to supporting each other and committed to presenting a united front when circumstances or people aim to tear you apart. Just remember that while your mother will always be your mother; your sibling will always be your sibling; and your ex-spouse will be always be your co-parenting partner, your spouse will always be your life partner.

“The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must
be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.” ~Frank Pittman

Living Together Before Marriage

Would you buy a car before taking it on a test drive or before doing your research only then to find out that it had been on the recall list?  Some people feel the same way about marriage.  They want to test the waters before taking the dive!  In the United States alone, 4.85 million couples live together.  In today’s society, most people agree with living together before marriage and they have great reasons for their argument.  For example, some of the reasons people decide to cohabitate may include financial convenience, fear of commitment and for discernment.  For example, one party might have grown up as a child of divorce and therefore may feel that they want to “test the waters” before taking the plunge — they want to evaluate their realtionship first.   

However, for all of those 4.85 million couples living together, there are some people who feel the exact opposite. Back in 1987 when I was pregnant with my first son (being unmarried at the time and thinking about moving in with my son’s father), my mother said to me…”Ain’t no one shacking up in my house.”  When I asked for her explanation, she said “why buy the cow if the milk is free.”  People of the baby boom generation pretty much were raised to believe that living together before marriage was unacceptable.  Often times, people who wanted to cohabitate before marriage found it hard to find someone to rent them an apartment.  It was considered taboo.  Sometimes you went through a very long courtship, you got engaged for a few years and then you got married.

Some researchers tend to agree along those lines.  Those researchers believe the idea of cohabitation before marriage is a bad idea.  That it actually increases your chances of divorce after marriage.  One reason suggested is because living together before marriage may decrease the level of commitment that a partner has to his/her spouse once they are married and has even led to a higher risk of marital infidelity.  It has also been suggested that cohabitation for financial reasons such as saving money separately turns into a disaster after marriage because financial problems are at the top of the priority list of reasons for divorce.

So, to answer the question above, yes, it obviously makes sense to drive the car before you buy it but the parallel to that is to show regard for the sanctity of marriage, you have to know what or who you really want in life first and then take time to grow your relationship.  This step is often overlooked by people who rush into living together first.

BFSO readers, I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject.  Feel free to jump right in on this conversation.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Why Did I Get Married?

Marriage is HARD work and love alone is  not enough. It requires nurturing, attention, patience, loyalty, understanding and trust, among other things. Remarriages with children are even more difficult, due to the external forces (ex-spouses, children and emotional baggage) that often times make it difficult for couples to make their marriages a priority. But, it really isn’t that difficult at all and it’s crucial to make your remarriage, just as you would your first marriage, priority number one! Why? Because if your marriage fails, your blended family fails and your kids have to experience a second divorce. It’s as simple as this - families can’t and won’t blend if the marriage isn’t the first to blend. If the ex-spouses get along great, but your marriage is headed for divorce, then it is highly likely that you’ve put too much energy into your divorce and not enough into marriage.

I’ve talked to many wives who have stated that they feel unsupported by their husbands. They feel as if what his ex-wife says holds more weight than what she, his wife, says. They feel as if their husbands walk on eggshells around the ex-wife, but have no problem stating their opposing view to them, their wives. Simply put, they feel as if the fear of them (husbands) not seeing their children, forces them to be more of a partner to their ex-wives than their wives.

Then I talk to the husbands who say that they feel they HAVE to do everything their ex-wives say because they just want to see their children. They are not trying to neglect their marriages and often believe that they make their marriages a priority simply because they are still married. Many believe that their wives need to be more understanding of their situations and realize that it’s nothing personal, they just want to see their kids.

The advice that I offer to these men is this: Marriage is extremely personal! Your wife wants to feel valued as your partner; the co-captain of the team in which you are the captain. Not as a bench member on a team in which you and your ex-wife are the captains. How much sense does it make for you to always think about not upsetting your ex-wife, for whatever reason, when your wife is constantly upset? Expecting your wife to just always understand and put her feelings aside is taking her for granted. Your wife shouldn’t be solely responsible for understanding your situation (divorce). It is your ex-wife who needs to understand and respect your marriage. Simply put, your marriage comes first because blended families don’t fail, (re) marriages do!

The question is how do you fix it? How do these couples begin to repair their marriages so that they don’t end up in divorce battle number 2? What I recommend is something that my husband and I do quite often and it has helped to strengthen our marriage immensely. I tell them to sit in front of each other at least once per month and ask this question - Why did I get married? Then tell each other the reasons why they chose to marry the other. This gently forces couples to bring back all of those happy feelings that led up to them marrying in the first place. It puts the focus on them instead of the drama.  It allows them to look into each other’s eyes and remind each other of why they fell in love in the first place. Often times couples allow the drama of ex-spouses and the obstacles of blending a family to consume them, and their marriages are an after thought. This simple exercise allows couples to constantly remind each other of why they love them, and it allows them as individuals to remember why the other should be valued as his or her life partner.

Below are some other tips to help you pave your way to a better marriage.

1. Communication. Communication is essential in any relationship. From discipline to money matters, constant communication is key in order to make sure you remain on the same page.
2. Find a way to deal with your issues. If you’re too upset to talk about your issues face-to-face, use a problem box. Write down your problem and place it in what you and your spouse know to be the problem box. This way you can communicate your problem without having to actually verbalize it, and your partner can digest it without your eyes glaring at him or her. When things cool down, address the problem, face-to-face.
3. Remember to make decisions that affect your household TOGETHER. No, your spouse shouldn’t be expected to sit down with you and your ex-spouse to discuss things like choosing a school, doctors or dentists. But, issues such as visitation schedules and discipline in the household should be discussed with your wife.
4. Your spouse is your life partner.Remember that while your ex-spouse is your co-parenting partner, your spouse is your life partner!
5. Treat the relationship like you are the best of friends.Remember that your spouse is the person that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with and you should treat the relationship like you are  the best of friends. Just being life partners and making decisons together gets redundant in a very short period of time. Building a marriage with a strong foundation of friendship will last a lifetime. Do fun things together, laugh together and be goofy with each other. You’ll begin to notice your relationship becoming stronger and more loving after doing so.

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