Destination: New Life!

April 10, 2013 By

couple splitIt’s no secret that divorce, whether you know you are headed for it or not, can take the wind out of your sails. Not only is it hard navigating through the many changes that divorce brings to our lives, it is also hard to get used to flying solo.

With that being said, I wanted to give my newly divorced readers some strategies on surviving through this period of time in order to help you begin to rebuild your life.

You Are Enough

The title above says it all!  Your divorce doesn’t have to change who you are as a person.  When we hear those nasty words…”I want a divorce,” the first thing our minds default to is “there must something wrong with me.“  It is perfectly normal to feel rejected and to want to analyze the situation to acknowledge what role you may have played but what you have to remember is that your spouses decisions do not have to define you and they should not dictate your self worth, and sometimes, it’s okay just to accept that things don’t always turn out the way we plan it.  Life throws us curve balls  but blaming yourself doesn’t change anything.   Your feelings of rejection can be used as motivation to move on and to redefine yourself.

Seek Out a Valued Support System

With divorce comes grief.  It comes and goes in stages just as if you were experiencing a death of a spouse.  Allow yourself plenty of time to go through this process and also lean on the shoulders of those you trust who are willing to support you through it.  There’s nothing like the shoulder of a good girlfriend or the lap of your mother when you need a good cry.  Seeking out a private therapist is also always a good option.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Dating after divorce has its own set of challenges.  If you have children, dating after divorce should be a slow and thoughtful process.  All of us desire to be in loving, committed relationships but those desires, at times, can lead us to rush.  Why do we rush you might ask?  We rush because we believe that if we immediately put our dating hats on, it will take the pain away that we are currently experiencing.  We go into these new relationships full steam ahead without considering what is truly best for us and our children. Dating for the right reasons is key and slow and steady always pays off.  Take your time to reinvent yourself.  Take your time to find yourself as an individual.

Reinventing Yourself

Now is the time to take charge of your life.  You’ve gone through it and now it is time to get to it! A celebration is in order and you deserve a reinvention.  Here are a few tips to get you started:

  • Accept that your life has changed and take 100% responsibility for your new life.
  • If your finances and time allow, take an educational course that you have always been interested in.
  • Find a craft that you enjoy and begin creating!
  • Make a standing date with your girlfriends.
  • Join a book club.
  • Start a journal listing your long and short term goals.

TMF Readers, facing anything that causes pain, stress and difficulty and not withdrawing from the world is called “COURAGE!”  There is nothing more courageous than getting through something as stressful as a divorce, but to that end, your new life begins.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

 

Share
Filed Under: Love and Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Love Is Not a Ball and Chain

February 15, 2013 By Leave a Comment

These days, why are we so bound by what society expects a traditional marriage to be?  Why do we get so consumed by the “fairytale” that is spun on by the media and television that we think it’s unnatural to want our own individuality outside of our relationship? Then, when we naturally vary from the traditional path, we are viewed as “selfish and not caring.” Unfortunately, more often than not, we allow that pressure to affect good qualities we share with one another.

For example, let’s just say that you and your spouse like to take a separate trip every now and again with a good girlfriend and your husband has no problem with it.  However, you might have a couple girlfriends who think that is absolutely insane and they let you know it. They would never let their husbands go on a “guys-only” trip without them so why should they?  Or, you parents might think that this type of agreement is only setting your marriage up for trouble.  Phooey!  TMF Readers, love is not a ball and chain.  Because we have a marriage certificate in our hands doesn’t mean that our marriage defines our whole existence as an individual.  Yes, we are spouses but we are also parents, friends, daughters and sons, siblings and most importantly individuals.  Now, I am not suggesting by any means that we put our marriages on the back-burner for any of the above, it must be our most important relationship, but we can still find the balance between being an individual and being married.  Suffocating our marriages is just as unhealthy as not prioritizing it.  Never allowing your spouse a little freedom to explore their individuality can stifle your relationship in more ways than one.  Remember the old saying…”absence makes the heart grow fonder?”  Totally true. 

“It’s not a lack of love but a lack of friendship that usually ends up making your marriage feel like you are carrying a ball and chain.”

You might ask what is the key to understanding that it’s okay to have individuality in your marriage?  The answer is simple.  Friendship and trust.  When you have an undivided trusting friendship with your spouse, you are unconditionally open to accepting him or her, their ideas, their dreams and yes, even their need for space at times whether that space be emotional, working, creative, fun, etc. That space could be just as simple as an every day walk alone or going to the gym.  Just simple “me” time.  Let’s be real here, all people yearn for time for themselves.  It’s just reality.  More than likely, you and your spouse encouraged this before marriage, but after marriage all that same reasoning goes out the door with the trash!  More often than not, we each still possess all of the qualities we always had, we have just chosen to view it differently because we have the title of wife or husband.  If your spouse was a free-spirit before you married him or her, why would you want them to be someone new to you after marriage?  Part of the challenge is that we must constantly take ourselves back to that state of “When Harry Met Sally” and remember why we fell in love.  We have to refocus on the fact that if we cannot change our spouse’s basic character.  Why would we want to?  It’s what makes them who they are.  It’s what attracted you to them in the beginning.  It’s what makes you want to love them even more.  Listen, accepting and encouraging your own individuality in your marriage is perfectly normal and okay.  It doesn’t diminish your love and asking for a little space every now and then doesn’t mean you are not committed to your spouse and to your relationship.

Benefits to having space:

  • Time for reconnection and self-reflection.
  • Time to clear your thoughts and hear yourself think.
  • Time to energize your inner batteries.
  • Time to truly appreciate and “miss” your spouse.

TMF Readers, don’t stunt your relationship growth based on another person’s belief system.  Just like your marriage needs alone time, without the children, at times, your marriage also needs individuality.  It’s that separate individuality that brings your marriage full-circle.  Accepting, wanting and, yes, even needing space from your marriage is okay and it doesn’t mean that it is drowning.  Don’t wait on expressing your individuality until it’s too late and you get stuck dragging that ball and chain.  Communicating with your life partner and being honest goes a long way and will only bring the two of you closer together and make your bond stronger.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Share
Filed Under: Love and Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

TMF’s Guide to a Simple Valentine’s Day

February 12, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Ah, February 14th, the day we celebrate love, romance, school crushes and all points in between.  If you are a hopeless romantic or if you simply believe Valentines Day is overrated, you can’t help but want to make Valentines Day special for that someone special in your life.  Through all of the stresses that the past holidays can bring to couples and our pocketbooks, Valentines Day reminds us of why we fell in love with our spouse.  It resolves us to continue to improve and to strategize on how to protect our marriages and relationships.  With that being said, below are a few tips to making your Valentines Day simple, without a lot of money, yet special at the same time.

Gifts for Her

  • Leave a sweet love note on her pillow
  • Write her a love letter.
  • Cook a nice homemade candle light dinner and serve it picnic style in your living room.  Scatter a few balloons and flower petals for a romantic ambiance.
  • Make a CD of her favorite love songs and leave it on the seat of her car with a card.
  • Get the kids involved and let them pick out an inexpensive gift certificate for Mom or Stepmom.

Gifts for Him

  • Create a photo collage of you and your kids for your husband’s office.
  • Find him a new, inexpensive gadget (can’t go wrong here – men love gadgets).
  • Pick him up a pair of tickets to the game (if it’s in the budget).
  • Order him a new sports channel through your cable company.
  • Cook him a home-cooked meal.
  • Plan an alone movie night fully equipped with chocolates, strawberries and wine.

TMF Readers, we all know that expressing our love for our partners is fundamental every single day of the year, but it is nice to have a single day that is set aside for us to honor the love we share for our spouse.  Remember, it’s the thought that counts.  Often, it’s the gifts that cost the least that impress the most.

Make your love day special!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Share
Filed Under: Love and Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Bonding Through Conflict

January 26, 2013 By

During conflict, does your marriage feel like its slipping farther and farther away from where you first began or do you and your spouse find ways to draw closer through same?  Generally, when we are in the midst of conflict in our marriage, we turn on auto-pilot, we shut down and default to only negative communication.  Our marital bonding goes out the window because our bad habits and negative words deliver fatal blows to our relationship.  What is surprising about this to me is that couples do not realize that the same bonds we built in the very beginning of our relationship are the same bonds that we need to maintain in order to get through conflict during marriage.

It’s really easy to forget how and what drew us together as a couples in the beginning of our relationship.  All too easily, after marriage and during conflict we forget to remind ourselves of those reasons and about why we first fell in love.  We allow our relationships to fall victim to the strain and stress.  Needless to say, we don’t “intentionally” strategize on how we can make our marriage stronger.  We think that because we have a piece of paper signed by a state official that we are safe from the effects that conflict can have on our unions.  We believe that having that piece of paper is like having an insurance policy that guarantees its success.  Unfortunately, the only insurance policy that couples need to invest in is the bond they create.  If that bond is not nurtured over time, conflict will certainly drain that policy of all of it’s investments.

How do you bond through conflict instead of allowing it to tear your marriage apart you might ask?  First, facing conflict instead of brushing your issues under the rug is the first and foremost thing you need to do.  For the sake of peace, some partners decide “not to sweat the small stuff.”  To an extent, that statement is true.  On the other hand, over time, if you take issue with a few small things that your spouse is doing or not doing, instead of putting up with something you don’t agree with for the sake of not sweating it, you will be able to open up to your spouse about what is bothering you.  Holding in and avoiding the conflict will weaken your bond.  People assume that the love they have will always carry them through but ‘love” is never enough.  Love will not allow you to overcome the conflict if you are constantly avoiding the issues.  The little things that we ignore for the sake of avoiding conflict is what eventually builds resentment and doesn’t prepare you to handle the bigger issues once they occur.  Brushing issues under the rug only allows you to pull them back out during the next argument.  By being open to positive communication, you build trust, which in turn builds your bond during that conflict.  Second, do not assume anything.  Assumptions are the termites of marriage.  Assumptions will eat away at your bond. Instead of assuming, use positive words to express your insecurities.

A few tips to help you bond through conflict are:

  • Adjust your differences.  At times, what attracted us to our partners (i.e., your husband is very outgoing – you are a home body) is what causes conflict later in marriage.  Accept that you may have to meet your spouse in the middle.  Find the agreement within the argument and work your way outward from there instead of shutting down and assuming you have no room for adjustment.
  • Be positive about your marriage.  Do not speak negatively about your marriage to outsiders.  All couples argue, fuss and fight sometimes.  Anyone who tells you differently is either telling half-truths or they are living in a fantasy world.  There is no perfect marriage, but shaming your marriage or disrespecting it by speaking negatively about it will only make your view of same worse.
  • Nurture through the conflict.  Always make your marriage your priority and not the conflict at hand.  Manage your disagreements and if you are conflicted, always approach the conflict as a team and commit to working together to get through same no matter what.
  • Humor each other.  Whenever possible, use humor and silliness to lighten your differences.  It works wonders.  You will find that most little things are not so bad after all and humor allows you to reframe the problem in a different light. You can still get your point across, but you are not hurting your spouse in the process.
  • Keep the problem in perspective.  Don’t bring other issues into the particular argument at hand.  Most issues are not as big of a problem as they initially seem.  Leave your pride at the door and come ready to resolve, resolve, resolve.
  •  Focus on solutions instead of problems.  Acknowledge the issues and move to solutions.  When we are in conflict, we spend way too much time playing the “blame” game.  Do not waste all of your energy on redefining the problems and get to fixing it.

Logically speaking, TMF Readers, successful people don’t focus on their failures.  They focus on their goals and how they are going to move forward even if they temporarily fall down.  Use each and every conflict as a learning opportunity and find forgiveness.  Build positivity, pay attention and nurture your marriage and I promise you that your bonds will be built strong enough to stand up to any conflict that comes your way.  Always view your marriage as whole and permanent and not temporary.

Lastly, remember, you and your spouse took the vow “till death do you part” not “until the next argument.”

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

 

Share
Filed Under: Love and Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Marital Stress + The Holidays = Disaster!

November 21, 2012 By

For stepfamilies, just the mere thought of the “holidays” can propound feelings of uneasiness, anxiety and depression.  Not only is this the most “argued” time of the year but the most stressful for stepparents as well.  For stepparents with children of their own, feelings of guilt that they feel like they must work their plans around their stepchildren’s schedules, buying extra presents for purposes of equality and making the holiday flow fairly in general so that their spouse is not stressed makes for some seriously resentful holiday pressure.  Let us not forget that this is also the most stressful time of the year for children of divorce.  Tensions and emotions run high because children feel torn and divided during this time and oftentimes it is hard for them to navigate because their feelings of guilt overwhelm them.  It is important that parents and stepparents are cognizant of same and are communicative with their children during this time.

Common disagreements during the holidays can be avoided if properly handled.  Here are a few tips to effectively navigate the holidays with your spouse:

1. Set monetary limits. Make a list and stick to it.

2. Be realistic about gift giving.  Remember, you should never feel pressure to make things equal.  The simple reality is that in step situations, things will never be equal and that includes holiday gift giving.

3.  It is always best to default to the court order during the holidays, especially if what once worked for you and your ex-spouse no longer holds the same value.  If there is no court order, I would suggest that one be put in place.  It alleviates all the unnecessary drama that occurs during the holiday season.

4.  Be flexible.  I cannot stress enough how important it is to have flexibility in your positions during the holidays.  Remember, every year will hold something new for you, your children, your stepfamily and your current and ex-spouse.  Everyone needs to be open to making concessions.

5.  Spend alone time with your spouse.  Major problems can be avoided at anytime during your marriage but especially when tensions are high during the holidays when you take time to spend quality time with your spouse. This allows for rejuvenation.

TMF Readers, don’t allow holiday pressure to ruin your quality time with your families.  In stepfamilies, the dynamics are constantly changing.  In fact, change is the law of life in stepfamilies.  Make new traditions with your unique family, don’t sweat the small stuff and lastly, you don’t have to “over-invest.”  Take the holidays one at a time and build your links and bonds with one another.  Always remember, stepfamilies are built over time and just because it’s the holidays and the “happiest time of the year” doesn’t mean you have to fast-forward full speed ahead.  Slow it down, make your own traditions, pay attention to your marriage and have a stress-free holiday season!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Share
Filed Under: Love and Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Fireproof Your (Re)Marriage!

September 4, 2012 By

Has the fire in your (re)marriage burnt out or headed in that direction?  Let’s face it, the statistics are staggering.  According the to latest survey taken by the U.S. Census Bureau, the divorce rates in the United States for first marriages is currently between 40-50% with the median length of marriage being 11 years.  For remarriages, that number increases dramatically to between 67-75%.  What’s even more stunning is one-half of all remarriages end in divorce after just three years.  Whew…now as disconcerting as those figures are, this is why we here at Today’s Modern Family do what we do.  We are dedicated to helping remarried couples avoid some of the pitfalls that unfortunately naturally accompany remarriage.

In preparing for this post, I took a small poll from several people that I know that live in blended families and I asked them what each of them thought was the top issue that causes problems within the remarriage.  Drum roll please…..expectations and integrating parenting styles was the number one issue.  The second most popular issue was the problem with putting the remarriage first before the children.  With that being said, I would say, in my professional opinion, the latter is the most important issue that has to be resolved in order to have a successful remarriage.  When the remarriage is put first in the lives of the life partners, it’s much easier to incorporate things like parenting styles, expectations and discipline.  It is widely known that if you allow your remarriage to become a prisoner to negative influences, it will tear your marriage apart.  Unfortunately, at times, those negative influences can be our children.  Now, I understand that some of those reading this post will be sent off the roof with that statement and say to yourselves…”what in the hell is this lady talking about?”  But, what you have to remember is that marriage is the foundation of family, not your children.  If the foundation of your marriage cracks, everything else cracks with it.  Of course, I have to put the caveat in here that I am not speaking about any situation that involves abuse in any manner, I am generally speaking about what would otherwise be normal circumstances involving the stepfamily environment and you or your spouse’s children driving a constant wedge between you (other stressors can take many forms).   When this happens, it causes one or the other partner in the marriage to feel controlled, restricted, belittled, disrespected and deprived, with deprived being the most important word.  In every successful remarriage that I have dealt with, when the feelings, opinions and heart of each spouse is put on the top of their partners priority list, the marriage exudes confidence, love, respect and trust.  When remarriage lacks priority, it is essentially deprived.  When the remarriage is deprived, the trickle-down effect begins and the whole blended family heads on a path of disaster.

If you are wondering about the title of this post “Fireproof  Your (Re)Marriage,” yes, you are correct.  I obtained the idea for this post from the movie Fireproof Your Marriage starring Kirk Cameron.  I was so incredibly moved by the movie that I began to ask myself the question, how can I apply this to remarriage.  Well, the answers to that was the same premise that Kela and I have been teaching our clients for years.  You have to treat your remarriage as if it is a first marriage.  In a first marriage, 9 times out of 10, parents stand united with one another by nature.  This does not occur naturally in stepfamilies.

One of my favorite sayings is that a garden that is not watered produces no harvest.  A flower that is not watered withers and dies.  A remarriage that is not put first on the priority list ends up deprived and suffocated.  Debunk the myth that focusing on your marriage means you are neglecting  your children.  Your children will not just be more well-rounded if you make your remarriage a priority, they will benefit greatly from it.  They learn what it means to be committed, to have trust and respect in a relationship and they actually see what love really looks like.

Fireproofing your remarriage begins with priority!  Make your remarriage your first priority and I promise you all else will fall in it’s proper place.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

 

Share
Filed Under: Love and Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Art of Compromise

June 26, 2012 By

Is your spouse the kind of person that loves to hear him/herself talk?  Does it always seem like the end to an argument proves to be at your expense because there is never compromise?  I am of the opinion that compromise is the single most important tool that all couples should have in their remarriage toolbox.

Partners in remarriage often struggle in the area of compromise because they are under the false impression going into same that “first comes love – then comes remarriage – then comes happily ever after,” hence they forget that you are not just blending your families, you are merging your values.  It is very hard to merge values without compromise. Think about it, when you blend families, unfair burdens are placed on stepparents and stepkids from the very beginning.  Everyone is expected to get along, birthparents assume you are going to love your stepkids and that your stepkids are going to love you and there you have the first of many misunderstandings wherein you will need to be able to apply your abilities to compromise.

The first step to positive compromise is healthy communication.  Life partners often forget when going through tough times that communication begins and ends with “both” the sender and the receiver.  Just as it takes two to tango in an argument, it takes two to compromise, hear one another and fix it.  When we are not applying compromise to our positions during conversational communication, the receiver never truly understands the message you are trying to send.  Kela and I have said over and over and it is worth repeating now, every human being desires to be heard.  They want to know that their opinion matters.  Emphatic listening to your spouse will take you far in being able to effectively compromise.  Keeping an open mind and being open to hearing their side of the conflict matters greatly.  It is selfish to shut out your spouses thoughts and feelings just because you want to only get your point across.  It never works.

It’s no secret, couples who compromise thrive.  The essence of marriage is the ability to achieve an unbreakable bond and closeness that cannot compare to anything else.  If you desire this type of unbreakable bond, compromise is not just needed, it is essential.  Here are a few tips to get you started:

  • Appreciate that both you and your spouse have been raised differently.  You are not going to always find that you agree on the same things (i.e., parenting styles, finance situations, emotional needs, etc.)
  • Respect each other’s views and opinions.
  • Kick “pride” to the curb!  Marriage is not a contest and compromise should not be looked upon as weakness.  It is actually one of the strongest tools you have in your (re)marriage toolbox.
  • Give and take.  Marriage is not unilateral and does not thrive with only one person doing all of the taking and the other doing all of the giving.  You have to always have your spouses best interests in mind and at heart.
  • Take a keen interest in your spouses feelings.  This will help you when  you have to apply compromise.  Know their values so you can effectively merge yours into his/hers.
  • Be aware and work hard to come to mutual understandings.  By doing this, you are teaching each other to be conscious of what your relationship means to one another.
  • Pay attention to your language and your tone.  I cannot stress enough the importance of “hearing yourself.”  How we say things really matters.  It is tough when you are going through stress to be mindful of this but it really does matter.  Remember, your message never gets across if your approach stinks.
  • Always examine the pros and the cons of the situation before approaching your spouse.  This way, you are not heading into your communication with just negative cards in your pocket.

I will leave you with this one final thought.  In the beginning of every relationship, each person always puts their best foot forward.  Your passionate stage is in full effect and we are always on our best behavior.  We want these feelings to last forever and will do whatever it takes.  A lot of times, after marriage, we tend to forget that the timbers in our fires need to continually be tended to in order to keep the fire burning.  Learning the art of compromise allows this closeness to continue and allows both you and your partner to meet one another’s needs together as a couple.  At the end of the day, it will always return to you balance and joy if you apply it effectively.  Care about your spouses heart and always attempt to apply compromise when faced with tough situations.  It will be well worth your effort.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Share
Filed Under: Love and Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Emotional Betrayal

March 26, 2012 By

One of the main questions I get when I am meeting with clients that are having marital problems due to the stresses and strains of the stepfamily life and remarriage itself, is how can I keep my spouse from withdrawing from me?  Unfortunately, there have been times when I have met with clients that allowed the stresses and strains to consume their remarriage to the point that they are emotionally disengaged with one another.  They both were purposely becoming more preoccupied with themselves and ignoring their marriages, spending less time together and definitely not interested in intimacy, with their spouses that is.  I have even had clients that have fallen into the trap of having emotional affairs with other people outside of their marriages.  Spouses guilty of this type of betrayal justify same by focusing on the fact that “no sexual contact” had been made and that the other person is only a “platonic friend,” but what they don’t realize is that actually, emotional affairs , 99% of the time lead to physical affairs.  This is dangerous territory for any marriage to say the least, but when there is already the dynamics of step involved, this territory becomes even more dangerous. 

Let’s talk about how couples become emotionally disengaged with one another.   Here are a few examples:

  • Communication is limited.
  • One or both spouses are too lenient on issues pertaining to boundaries, standards and expectations in the household.
  • Quality time between spouses is limited.
  • Matters of discipline regarding stepchildren cannot be agreed upon.
  • Expectations are unrealistic.
  • Stepchildren are non-accepting of stepmom or stepdad and causing issues.The marriage doesn’t feel like a partnership but rather one or both partners’ feels like a criminal or scapegoat in their own home.

When all or some of these factors are present in an already stressful situation, it is my opinion that as human beings we become more vulnerable to making mistakes and to falling into the trap of relying on someone else outside of our marriage to provide emotional support.  That emotional support may seem harmless at first because one might be thinking that they just need to “get stress off their chest” so they lean on someone of the opposite sex to get their “viewpoint” or something of the like.  As time passes, they come to find out that they are not just reaching for another point of view, but rather they are beginning to invest more of their emotions than they expected in this person.  Those emotions eventually turn into companionship and an emotional affair/betrayal has been formed.  Unfortunately, your “guilt-free” feelings become damaging to your marriage.

Protecting your marriage is the number one thing we preach here at Today’s Modern Family.  If your marriage isn’t healthy, your family will not be healthy.  If you marriage isn’t strong, your co-parenting skills will be weak at best.  If your remarriage isn’t bonded and you and your spouse are not on one accord, your family foundation will crumble.    Here are some tips to avoid the pitfalls of emotional betrayal.

  • Work together to have a marriage based on trust, friendship and love.
  • Spend quality and quantity time together. Take time out for your marriage.  It takes sacrifice to make any remarriage work but acknowledging that parenting is only one part of your life together.  Take time for each other.  This is one area you do not want to sacrifice.
  • Support one another’s goals and dreams.  Get involved and show that you care.  Nothing is more uplifting than to know that your partner shares your dreams and supports your quest for same.  Keep in mind that support is a two-way street.  Don’t just depend on your spouse to step up and understand everything right way.  Invite his/her participation as well.  Share your vision.
  • Don’t sweep existing issues under the rug or pretend there isn’t things you need to work on.   Talk, talk, talk!  Communication is key to understanding and to being heard.
  • Touch one another frequently.  Small hugs, love pats and romantic kisses throughout the day leads to bond building.
  • Combine your strengths.  In every remarriage and in every nuclear marriage, where one might be weak, the other might be strong.  Complement one another.  Help one another.
  • Compromise, compromise, compromise.  This is one of the main components I stress in all of my coaching sessions.  Without compromise, you will not effectively be able to coparent nor will your remarriage stand the test of time. Compromise is one of the tools in your remarriage toolbox that you cannot go without.
  • Fidelity in your marriage is crucial.  When you took your vows, you promised to forsake all others in order to protect your union.  Don’t lean on others outside of your marriage for things that you should be getting from your spouse.  If you are feeling uneasy in this area, communicate your feelings to your spouse and seek professional coaching. 

TMF Readers, don’t be one of those couples that I end up meeting with that have a list of “things” they wish they had talked about or compromised on.  Put your marriage first and foremost on your “to do” list if you feel like there are issues arising.  As your relationship grows, it is important to always put in the work it needs so that your love becomes not just a simple “want.”  It goes deeper than that.  Your love your relationship becomes a “need” and a “longing.”  With that bond and commitment, there is absolutely no room for emotional betrayals and no room for division. 

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Share
Filed Under: Love and Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Falling “Out” of Love After Your Remarriage

January 25, 2012 By

Over 75% of remarriages now end in divorce.  That is a stunning fact. Let’s face it, the pressures associated with being in a blended family can lead even the strongest couples down the wrong path.  How about you?  Are you feeling gloomy about your remarriage?  Do you feel like you are falling “out” of love with your spouse?

Clients ask me questions related to the above all of the time.   The fact remains that you don’t just fall “out” of love by chance.  Not focusing on solutions to problems as they arise causes friction, which if ignored causes tremors, which if still ignored causes earthquakes. It’s a simple trickle-down effect.  Instead of addressing feelings and concerns like loss of power in the relationship, feelings of inadequacy and rejection in the family, they decide that unequivocally they must have picked the wrong person and they are no longer in love with their spouse when in actuality their love is strong, but one or both parties have allowed the issues to take over their marriage.

Another reason blended family spouses have such trouble is because of their expectations having not been met.  High expectations that their families are going to turn into the “Brady Bunch” the day the marriage license is signed is a recipe for disaster.  Mix in a little disrespect from their stepchild here and there or the ex-wife calling for something menial, then “there goes the marriage!”  Learning to deal with these issues on the forefront (i.e., pre-marital blended family counseling) can help rectify these situations before they occur or at least help you to not make mountains out of molehills.

In the beginning of any good relationship, chemistry with your significant other is usually going hog-wild.  Well, as we all know too well, chemistry never lasts forever.  Chemistry contributes to the relationship but it doesn’t make your relationship last.  Love sustains it and keeps it going.  Being in love means making a commitment to work through whatever needs to be worked on. Being in love means putting your (re)marriage first and supporting it and each other.  It means spending time on it and not pushing it aside for anyone or anything and that includes your children together and apart, work and friends.  Unfortunately, all too often, this is the hardest task of them all.  Finding time to spend together is relatively a key ingredient to a successful, long-lasting relationship.

All successful (re)marriages have common denominators.  Trust, honesty, love, support and forgiveness.  If you are feeling having the falling “out” of love blues, ask yourselves these questions:

  1. What is the cause for my feelings?  Assess the situation as a whole.  Take some time to really scour your thoughts.  Is something else causing you to feel this way (i.e., stress, anxiety, depression, work stress, friend stress, etc.)
  2. Do my feelings on the subject change from day-to-day?
  3. Are the blended family issues that aren’t being resolved adding to my feelings?

As human beings we are geared to focus more on the negative attributes of any situation.  After you have had the chance to ask yourself the above questions, take stock in the following tips to help you get through answering them:

  1. Make a list of all the good things you fell in love with about your spouse and write out your love story.  Just putting those thoughts on paper and reading them will help you tremendously.  Encourage your spouse to do the same and read them together.
  2. Look into a couples retreat.  This is a great way to spend time together while at the same time getting some much needed education.
  3. Enlist the help of a certified stepfamily coach to work up a Co-Parenting Plan that helps your family navigate.  It’s OK to ask or help.  Call me, I would love to help!
  4. Stop focusing so much on the problems and give your attention to the solutions.
  5. Don’t temporarily bandage the issues by sweeping them under the rug and pretending they are fixed.  I promise you, they will arise as more than a scratched surface but a full-blown injury.
  6. Your friends don’t know the value of your relationship.  Keep your relationship between you and your spouse.
  7. Talk, talk, talk!  Communication is key!  Keep talking to your spouse.  Let them know they matter to you and what they have to say, whether you agree or not, matters to you.
  8. Limit your expectations.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.  The Brady Bunch had great writers narrating the story of their lives.  Blended families and remarriage is tough to conquer but think of your commitments and actions as small investments toward your eventual success.
  9. Have compassion.  Honor your spouses difference in opinion.  You can disagree with while at the same time still honoring it with understanding.  Compassion in the blended family and in remarriage will take you a long way.
  10. Support your spouse unconditionally.  Again, you don’t have to agree on every issue, but support their decisions and let them know you will not judge them.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Share
Filed Under: Love and Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Choice Plays A Vital Role In Our Relationships

January 4, 2012 By Leave a Comment

In my coaching practice, I come across clients all of the time that are in conflict and need help with their blended family issues.  Most of the time, their frustrations simply come from the choices that they are deciding to make or not to make which end up causing most of the hardship in their relationships.  For example, in remarriage, the biggest problem I come across with my clients is the issue of discipline.  9 times out of 10 the clients cannot agree, and they refuse to agree to disagree on this issue.   Resentment builds in one or both parties, the issue continues to be swept under the rug and by choosing to not to get on the same page, they are ultimately making a choice that may end up ruining or eventually ending their marriage.

Let’s talk about why choice plays such an important role in our relationships.  We have to understand that as life partners we always have a choice in how we live in our relationships.  With that, we may not always like our choices but part of being life partners is knowing that as we make these unavoidable choices we open certain other possibilities and we close the door on others.  For example, if we make the choice to allow our children or stepchildren to run the household, disrespect our spouse and never come to an agreement on the rules and what behaviors will and will not be tolerated in our household, then we close the door to trust and communication with our spouse.  We have to choose to handle these situations not just to ensure that our relationships stay sound but to help our children as well.

I once read that choice follows awareness.  Teaching our children this is so important.  The most effective way to teach them this is by example.  Every time we make a choice for our families as a couple, whether good or bad, it will produce a consequence.  When we hold that we choose what happens in our relationships it is only then that we take full ownership over them.

TMF Readers, remember, marriage is a marathon not a sprint.  In our relationships and through our family issues, when you find yourself not seeing the difference between your choices and you are finding it easy to make your spouse “wrong” instead of holding yourself to the fact that you made a choice too,  your relationship will suffer.  Realizing that our individual choices play a role as well in our issues is key.  Take time to communicate to your spouse the choices you two are making individually and as a couple which affect your relationship.  Having this awareness will give you power and you will avoid taking the easy way out but will make room for more open communication and togetherness.

Peace & Blessings,

Diane

Share
Filed Under: Love and Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
«Older Posts