Stepparenting: From Challenge to Success

As I always say, marriage is tough but remarriage is tougher….well, let’s face it then, parenting is hard but stepparenting is probably one of the toughest challenges you will ever face in your lifetime.

There are no prerequisite courses you can take to prepare for your journey and there are no instruction manuals that come along with it, however, there are some steps that you can take in order to help you through it.  Regardless of all horror stories you hear and all of the stereotypical fairy tales about stepparents, you can have  successful relationships in your stepfamily life.

As parents of our biological children, it is my belief that we do our best in bringing them up, we trust our instincts and do what we think is best for them.  As stepparents, we tend to second guess our instincts at times.  Of course most of us want to do what is best for our stepchildren but we tend to second guess in order to avoid confrontation instead of just being ourselves.  If you are struggling, I offer you some of the following tips to help you navigate to a successful relationships within your stepfamily unit.

1.  Protect Your Marriage.  The number one tip I can give you is to decide and make a choice that your marriage will always come first.  If the ex-wife calls your phone regularly in the middle of the night to discuss the problems with her plumbing or she just wants to talk – NIP IT IN THE BUD!  There is an obvious reason you are in a stepfamily and that means you are divorced!  Your new family is based on your new union….protect it!

2.  Communicate.  Allow your children and stepchildren to tell you how they feel without judgment.   Encourage frequent communication and allowing them to have alone time with you and your spouse is very important.  Everyone, even children, want to know that their opinions matter to you.  They want to know that you hear them and that you are open to listening to them.

3.  Empathy.  One of the single most important tips I can give you is to have empathy for the position your stepchildren are in.  All stepfamilies are created out of a loss; keep that in mind when you have rough patches.  Empathy goes a long way.

4.  Maintain Normal Boundaries.  A lot of stepparents get confused in this area.  They feel that they have to overcompensate in order or their stepchild to like or approve of them.  You should always maintain the normal boundaries of an adult/child relationship.  For example, do not try to become your stepchild’s best friend.  You are an extension of their parent not a best friend.  A supporter and ally would be a great description of a stepparent.

1. 5.  Realistic Expectations.  One of the hardest subjects I have to put across to my coaching clients is that of having realistic expectations.  Parents assume that when they bring a child into a new marriage or relationship that their spouse will immediately fall in love they way they are with their child.  This is a totally unrealistic expectation.  Relationships are built through time and patience.  As I said above, all step relationships exist out of a loss.  That is a hard pill to swallow for a child that has just has his/her world turned upside down.  Don’t rush your relationship.  Build trust.  Do your best to create good experiences and you will build a meaningful relationship.

Lastly, remember that children are the passengers on this flight we call a “stepfamily” and sometimes they will feel like they are literally out of their own airspace.  They were the innocent bystanders through your divorce.  As I stated above, empathy plays a huge role in how we help them to effectively deal with their emotions, feelings and ultimately, their happiness.   Tap into their world, be conscious of their feelings and let them know you are there for them unconditionally.

Stepparents, remember this….your stepchildren may never give you what you want or need in return for your love and sacrifice for them.  Most of the time it’s not until they are an adult that they truly appreciate the role you play in their lives but I would encourage you to be patient, stay flexible, be willing to compromise and accept that your blended family life will never be perfect.  It can however succeed with all of the above.

Peace & Blessings,

Diane

All Moms Need Self-Care

The last 16 months have been a whirlwind for me and my family. The addition of our little miracle baby has been welcomed but so chaotic and full of changes. Before Bam Bam (that’s what we call him), my husband and I were raising a 13 year old who was self-sufficient. He could make his own food, iron and pick out his own clothes, and carried his IPod Touch around like it was a cochlear implant. Motherhood and parenthood for that matter was very different.

I have always been an advocate of mothers and stepmothers taking time to indulge in a bit of self-care. It is so important to not completely devote yourself to being a mother or a stepmother in order to be a good mother or stepmother. I’ve received angry emails from readers stating that I was wrong for telling stepmothers to assign ownership of certain responsibilities to their rightful owners and use that down time for themselves. I told them that it is completely okay, natural and healthy to tell their spouse that they will not be responsible for their stepchildren every single time they come to visit. Instead, I told them to use that time to take a nap, have a girl’s night, get a hobby or do all of the above. This advice is especially true for the stepmothers who have kids of their own and can never seem to get a moment of down time.

Well, for the past 16 months this has never been more true and apparent to me. A woman cannot soley focus on her children and/or stepchildren and husband without: 1) losing a huge piece of herself and/or 2) going insane. She needs time to de-stress, regroup and recharge in order to be a good mom/stepmom and wife. There’s just no way around it and women should not feel guilty for demanding to recharge her batteries. During the first year of my son’s life as I operated on maybe two hours worth of sleep, little food and no energy, my husband, friends, family, pastor and other new or renewed moms would tell me to take time for myself. They almost begged me to step away from my sweet little angel so that I could recharge. Because he was a preemie and is still experiencing health issues as a result, I didn’t want to leave him with ANYONE. But, this meant that I was with him all of the time and it just wasn’t healthy for either of us.  Thank God for my wonderful husband who took time off of work to not only take care of us but to remind me what I have been advocating for the past several years – “me” time! When I wouldn’t budge, he started arranging girl’s night outs for me. He called a few of my friends, made reservations at one of my favorite restaurants, made reservations at a spa for all of us and paid for everything. Once he did that a few times, it became a habit and now I look forward to spending time away from my angel. I have even revisited my love of photography and  look forward to the moments I get to use that creative outlet. I need it in order to be the best mommy I can be to my children and you moms/stepmoms need it too. So take a little time to indulge in regular self-care and do so without guilt. Your entire family will be better as a result.

THE BLENDED FAMILY SURVIVAL GUIDE!

TMF Readers, one of the best books I’ve read this year is Brandi Mitchell’s The Blended Family Survival Guide.  Brandi is not just a mom, wife and stepmom, but she has had a fabulous career in the film and television industry and is now the author of this “go-to” guide for blended families.

Brandi, let me begin by thanking you for taking the time to allow Today’s Modern Family to spend a little time with you, for sharing this extra special book and for allowing me to pick your brain about the very important issues that blended families face every day.

Diane:  I have so many questions for you Brandi, I guess I would start by asking you how you ended up on your blended family journey and what inspired you to author this fabulous guide for blended families?

Brandi: Thanks for having me Diane and for the support. You know you always picture your perfect mate, and the life you want. And I’d have to say, that my husband was (and still is) perfect for me. But along with finding Mr. Right, I also inherited two handsome little boys, and two different mothers… so let’s just say that when I said “I Do, I said I do to them all!” and it’s been almost 15 years. I wrote the book because it has been my life’s experience! I have always been a part of a blended family. Growing up I had 2 sets of stepfamilies, and my brother and I share the same Dad, so I have seen it all! I felt there was a need for a realistic and transparent manual to help the more than 75 million people who are experiencing living life blended. It is affecting us all, and I wanted to provide a well-lived and researched guide to help people navigate through the journey, because let’s face it, it can be very challenging.

 Diane:  In my line of work, I find a lot of people have a hard time balancing relationships within the blended family (i.e., with the ex-wife, ex-husband, baby mama, baby daddy, etc.).  Your book touches a bit on this subject.  What advice can you give our readers on defining those relationships and having realistic expectations of same? 

 Brandi:  Every one’s situation is so different, so the results will vary tremendously. I think the common thread that almost always leads to peace, is respect. Where there is no respect, peace is sometimes difficult. The respect crosses so many lanes; respect of your child and their feelings, respect in the way you choose to handle difficult situations, respect even for yourself and how you represent your family. In terms of having realistic expectations, realize that some things you may not have control of because you have outside influences that are apart of your families day to day life. You can, however, control the way in which you react to the cards you are dealt. As far as Baby Mama Drama goes, I wish it didn’t exist, right along with bigotry, homelessness, and misguided youth. In the book I talk about the differences in a single parent and a baby mama, and that the two are not equal. The trait that separates the two titles is the way in which the person handles their relationship and dealings with the child’s other parent and their attitude. I think that the “drama” factor of it all hurts and scars children for life, sabotages relationships, and stunts the growth of the person who is administering the drama.

 Diane:  One of my favorite chapters in the book is the first chapter which is about choices.  Choices in the blended family are, in my opinion, one of the most important things that we need to take into consideration before leaping into the blended family life.  Why did you begin with there?

 Brandi: I felt that a variety of people would be reading this book and would be at all different points in their personal lives and relationships. Many people go through life reacting to what happens instead of actively taking responsibility for the outcome of their lives. I started with choices for several reasons, one being that for people who may be reading the book and haven’t had children yet, I wanted them to really understand that they have the ability to choose what life will look like for them. I also wanted people to understand that every time they choose to have a sexual relationship with someone, they actually are choosing to potentially become a parent, and, that person they are “choosing at that moment, may actually become a fabric of their lives. I also knew that a lot of parents are in a space where they may not fully understand the magnitude of decisions they make especially when it comes to parenting, and I wanted to open the conversation up by bringing some sobriety to the reader.

 Diane:  This guide touches on subjects from A to Z.  One of the particularly penetrating and effective subjects, in my opinion, is where you touch on a child’s personal feelings about the importance of visitation.  I get contacted regularly from our readers, who are non-custodial parents, whose visitation is either being sabotaged or constantly interrupted by the custodial parent.  What advice can you give custodial parents, from your personal experience as a child of divorce on the importance of this very touchy issue?

 Brandi:  Well for me, my visitation with my father helped to really shape the woman I am. My visits were very much quality and not quantity, I always tell my sons that I wish I had the kind of time and consistency they have with their Dad! My mother had plenty of very legitimate reasons for saying no to my visits with my Dad from inconsistency, to lack of provision, to me seeing some things on those trips that she didn’t approve of a little girl experiencing. Despite the negatives, she felt I needed that time with my father. So I really encourage visitation between the child and non-custodial parent, so as often as they attempt to see their child, they should be allowed (within reason). My father died young, and now I really understand why the time I spent with him was so concentrated. I am forever grateful for my mother for being unselfish and forgiving.

 Diane:  In the guide, you touch a bit on custodial parents not dwelling on the absence of the other parent so much to the children but instead to focus and concentrate on their strengths and to expect happiness.  I felt this was one of the most important statements in the book.  Explain to all of our single parents out there why you feel this is so important?

 Brandi: As a single parent, one of the greatest things you can do to develop a stable and secure child is to focus not on the negatives, but on what your child HAS: a loving, concerned, caring father/mother for starters. Focus on giving your child all that you can as a parent. Children tend to naturally want to meet our expectations, so if you expect yours be happy and successful they will work to towards that expectation! The reality is children do survive without a parent with the help of other nurturing family members and love from you.

Diane:  In the book you share with us your personal story being raised in a divorced environment and how being raised by a single mom shaped you in positive ways and also how very important your visitation with your dad was and how his way of life also shaped you in many positive ways.  What was the most important lesson you took from your experience that helped you in your own blended family as an adult?

 Brandi:  My mother always believed in being fair, and she is very considerate. So because I saw how she responded to my brother, and always spoke positively, that’s the behavior I naturally adapted in my own blended family. I try to make sure I never say anything that I would be embarrassed to repeat. I guess to sum it all up, it would be to be a person of integrity, and treat people like you would want to be treated.

 Diane:  I ask all of my interviewee’s this question because I feel it is so important.  What is your notion of family? 

 Brandi:  A group of people formed through bloodline or special relationships that love each other and have common threads.

 Diane:  Living the blended family life can be stressful on a remarriage.  How important is it to nurture your blended family marriage?

 Brandi:  It is extremely necessary to nurture your marriage period, but becomes even more difficult in a blended family. There are so many opportunities for division. You are dealing with your past in a relationship that is a part of your future, and you have all of these outside nuances that you have no control of. That’s why I especially recommend very sound pre-marital counseling prior to marriage, because if you start off on the right team, and knowing what to expect, you have a better chance to stay working together instead of apart. Not to mention the fact that nurturing your love for each other and enjoying life together will require constant discovery and rediscovery of who your mate is, and that only comes through concentrated time spent.

 Brandi, I just want to say Thank You for this very special book.  I keep it in my briefcase and it is used daily in my own blended family life.  I have learned an awful lot from you through the 253 pages of this book I now call my “Blended Family Bible!”  Thank you for allowing Today’s Modern Family into your world and please come by and share with us anytime. 

Brandi:  No thank you, it was my pleasure!

To obtain your copy of this fabulous book go to www.theblendedfamilysurvivalguide.com today!

Shaping Loyalties = Sabatoging Trust

As Dr. Jeanette Lofas so eloquently uses as her tag line on her website, “Often stepfamilies don’t blend, they collide!”   At times, the word “collide” can feel like an understatement to a blended family struggling with loyalty conflicts.  Loyalty is often an emotional response to a particular situation that may be occurring with someone we love (i.e, our parents or children, etc.).  It’s a natural response….we show up for those we love….right?  Unfortunately, for children living in blended families, the issue of loyalty is a very difficult one.  Even more unfortunate is when parents and even some stepparents try to shape their children’s loyalties toward the other parent.   Divorce is one of the most traumatic experiences a child will face in their lives — often equated to a death.  It often has the ability to shape how they view their future adult lives if they are not given the right tools to use in order to trudge through same.  They have to learn to trust all over again.  Yes, parents, when we divorce, our children lose trust in us.  They feel betrayed by the two people they look to for their security and for their sense of self.  It is painful to feel betrayed and to feel as if you are betraying your children. 

When I meet with newly formed stepfamilies, one of the main issues I see is that step and bio parents tend to fall into the trap of trying to shape their children’s loyalties.  Most of the time, this happens when one parent remarries and the bio parent begins to get insecure.  Of course, becoming insecure about our relationships with our children are perfectly normal, we all have insecurities from time to time, but how we deal with these insecurities is what is crucial.  It is also very common for these same insecurities to creep up in our children manifesting themselves against their stepparents or new significant other in their parents’ lives.  Children often feel that if they are “perceived” as loving their stepparent, they are being disloyal to their biological parent.  Unfortunately, too many times, I have personally seen bio parents that reinforce this idea instead of debunking it for the sake of their children’s emotional and mental health.  They would rather, actually rather, see their children go through drama and chaos only to disrupt the lives of their exes.  It’s a shame on so many different levels.  Instead of being committed to having a healthy divorce for their children, they decide to create an “us” against “them” attitude and coerse their children to have hatred for their stepparent and sometimes even for their biological parent as well.  Unfortunately, what these parents don’t realize during all of this is that they are actually sabotaging their own childrens’ trust in them.  Children eventually mature and grow and they figure things out for themselves.  They figure out our insecurities.  They get it.

Thankfully, there are some steps that you can take in order to wade your way through these trying times:

• Your child needs clear rules, boundaries and structure.  Remain committed to your household rules. 
• Do not side with your children against a stepparent.  Talk with your ex spouse about issues that arise and handle them from there. 
• Do not put your children in the middle of your battles.  This goes for with your ex spouse or with your new spouse.  Children do not need to be privy to every issue you and your (ex)spouse are dealing with.
• Encourage the relationship your child has with his/her other parent.
• Do not use your child as a messenger between his/her parents.
• Don’t ask your children to “keep secrets” from the other parent.
• Don’t question your children about their visitation.
• If it is feasible, have the parents and stepparents sit down and discuss expectations surrounding rules and parenting roles, etc.  Obviously, this is not going to work for every stepfamily, but if it is feasible, it can help children to know that they will be supported by all parents and will also stand together as a united front. 

TMF Readers, I know I don’t have to tell you this, but this subject begs the reminder that your children are a part of both of you and your ex spouse.  When children feel as if they are put in the middle and have to choose between their parents, they feel insecure, guilty, pressured and ultimately rejected.  Those feelings manifest themselves in all kinds of ways which can cause not just drama in your home, but in their lives which leave scars that sometimes take years to heal.   Managing these issues as effectively as you can will help you to alleviate stress and will also allow the stepparent to be another caring adult in your children’s lives to become more trusted, involved and connected.  By leading the example, not only will your child gain more trust for you as his/her parent the lesson they learn thereby will enhance their life experience and allow them to flourish.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Step-Sibling Rivalry

“Parents often underestimate the extent  and the importance of the changes that children go through when they integrate into a new stepfamily.”

As parents and co-parents, the number one goal for our blended families is usually to make sure that our children are able to cohesively adapt to their newfound families.  Unfortunately, we often underestimate the feelings of grief and loss that our children feel and if there are other children within the family that are also being blended in and these childen end up becoming territorial and often times, that means war — not just for the children but also for the parents involved!

Traditional families and stepfamilies alike have the problem of sibling rivalry, however, one major difference is that when a remarriage occurs, one set of children usually has to adapt to a different home, a whole new set of rules and the order of their lives has been turned upside down.  For the children that currently live in the home, they usually have it a bit easier considering they don’t have to change homes, but rather they most likely have the experience of their birth order becoming askewed.  For example, a youngest child may no longer be the baby of the family and the oldest child may find they he/she has older siblings now.

Another cause of sibiling rivalry is often us.  Parents themselves often tend to show favortism toward their own children.   Although most parents try their best and think they are being fair, at times, they really arent.  It’s a hard pill to swallow, but  for children dealing with this situation, it can be very emotionally distressing.   One way of alleviating this issue is to deal with the relationship you and your stepchild share.   Make sure your stepchild knows that you care for them as much as you care for your biological children.  This will help to allieveate some of their emotional stress.   Sibling rivalry is fairly common and can be addressed relatively easy and it is important to do so.  Here are a few ways to help you address some of the sensitive issues that come along with step-sibling rivalry:

• Use the children’s conflicts to teach them to recognize their emotions.
• Never lose sight of your goals as a parent which means you are responsbile for training them for relationships, character, etc.
• Don’t let any of the children wear your down.
• Use the particular rivalry to teach them that you as the parents are in control.
• Don’t rush to solve every problem for them — let them work things out on their own.  This teaches them to own their responsibility.
• Teach them to forgive.
• Reset your expectations.  Conflict is going to happen. 
• Teach them tolerance.  Make sure all children in the household know that their opinions matter and they are free to express them in healthy ways.
• Teach them respective communication.

Step-siblings usually fight with each other because they lack the social skills to work things out. They’re naturally self-centreed, so they don’t empathize with one another.  We have to teach them how to negotiate and to give and take.  TMF Readers, remember, our children did not ask to be thrust into a blended/step family.  It is our responsbility to make sure they have the right tools to navigate successfully.  If we don’t, we may well end up with a disaster on our hands.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Finding Value In Your Blended Family

 ”Our family hit some bumpy roads on this path of life.  It took us a while to get where we are today…I’m sure glad we all took the effort to walk together” Christy Borgeld, Founder of National Stepfamily Day

Bringing two families together with different values and of which are still dealing with feelings of loss is no walk in the park.  To many, the problems that come along with the blended/step family prove to be too much and unfortunately these such examples definitely do not have the makings for prime time television as did the Brady Bunch back in the 70′s. 

Currently, in the United States, the blended family has become some what of the norm.  As divorce rates continue to rise, blended families become more common.  In fact, blended families seem to be the way of the future.  Research has shown that it is estimated that soon there will be more children in stepfamily situations than living with both of their biological parents.

With that, in my opinion, finding value in your stepfamily is essential.  Albeit I know the task at hand can be one of the most challenging you might ever face, think about all of the factors that have to be weighed in the process.  As we all know, children do not ask for divorce or remarriage for that matter.  Usually, they are thrust into this situation, unbeknownst to them, and they just have to learn to live with it and deal with their extreme sense of loss.  I actually just had a long conversation with a very important person in my life, a woman who used to be my very own step-sister during my adolescent years, and she confided in me that one day, all of a sudden, they were just told that her and her two siblings were going on a road trip to a birthday party and they ended up thousands of miles away from their bio father and thrust into a live-in situation and eventual stepfamily.  I, being on the other end of that family, knew that my parents were getting divorced.  I cannot even imagine the feeling of that situation she was in.  With that being said, the losses that all members of the blended family face during these times can be a major contributing factor to the stresses that ensue afterward.  Mix in the ex-spouses and all the financial strain and you have a recipe for disaster.  Hence, anyone would have a hard time finding value in their respective blended families. 

However, being in a blended family has lots of rewards.  Being able to find the value in your blended family is very important.  Here are a few ways to get you started looking in the right direction:

• Pay attention to the communication skills being used within your family.  Being able to resolve conflict as it arises is essential.  Do your best to have wholesome, genuine communication.  Only focusing on negative communication is counter productive.
• Make sure you always put your marriage first.  Remember, at the end of the day, the kids will be grown and gone, it will be just you and your spouse.  
• Build on your differences and use them to make your family stronger. Each individual in the family may be different but will also bring something special to your unit.
• Remember, first families have an automatic bond, take time to connect with your stepchildren.
• Recognize that your stepchildren will feel closer to their mom or dad at different times in their developmental years.  This can be stressful to the bio parent and you are going to feel the need to step in.  However, recognize that you can’t fix this for anyone.  This is something that has to work itself out. 

Lastly, it is not an easy feat to build value and to find value in your blended family. However, if you are willing to make sacrifices now to have a strong, happy blended family, you will reap great reward in the long run.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

The Blended Family Survival Guide – Part I

“Brandi Mitchell just gets it!” 

TMF Readers, I have had the honor and pleasure of reading Brandi Mitchell’s “The Blended Family Survival Guide” and to simply put it, not only was I impressed with her work but I was enamored with her uncanny ability to use her own personal experience as a stepping stone to help others who may be in the midst of their own blended family firestorm.  The Blended Family Survival Guide is not just a guide for all of us blended family members offering tips, tools, advice, legal research, etc., but packs a serious powerhouse punch to the issues all blended families face.  I encourage all of you readers to go directly to Brandi’s site www.theblendedfamilysurvivalguide.com to get  your copy of this amazing book!  I promise, you won’t be disappointed.  Below is a snippet of what you will get from this fabulous book! 

“When Prince Charming found me, glass slipper in hand, we vowed our love to each other for eternity, as he whisked me off to Blendedville to live happily ever after. What I didnt expect, on the way to my not-so-new castle, was that we would pick up two, little adorable travelers that would go on the journey with us! Oh, and by the way, did I mention that my carriage had to stop to pick up my little travelers at two different houses? Now, a young princess in my new blended world, I had no map or compass to guide me through the blended journey, nor had I realized the true effect my ready-made family would have on my own marriage and future children.”

Stay tuned readers for Part II of this post where I will be interviewing the fabulous Ms. Brandi Mitchell herself!  You will not want to miss this one!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Six Things in the Remarried Co-Parent’s Survival Toolbox

Co-Parenting Plan

The first thing the remarried co-parent should have is a detailed, mutually agreed upon, co-parenting plan. He or she should have one within their household and with their former spouse. Remarried couples and divorced co-parents need to stop making it up as they go along and talk about it, prior to divorce or remarriage. Talk about how to handle discipline, visitation, phone calls, birthday parties, etc. because when you are suddenly confronted with these decisions and emotions are high, those emotions usually dictate your decision making. As such, you end up making a decision based on how you feel instead of what’s best for everyone.

Family Mission Statement

 Arm yourself with a good family mission statement, which all the members of your household are active participants in creating. Remember that especially because this family wasn’t organically made, some effort will need to go into building and maintaining it. Talk about how you want to connect as a family and make every member feel included in this process.

Stepfamily Coach

 Be sure to have a good stepfamily coach/counselor on speed dial as it’s not always helpful to listen to those well-meaning family members and friends. Talking to someone who is experienced and knowledgeable on the issues that you will undoubtedly face will be helpful as you navigate through your remarried co-parenting journey.

Drama Free Date Night

Drama free date night, at least once per month, is a must! Stay connected to your spouse; remember that he or she is your biggest support system.

No Judgment Zone Problem/Solution Box

 No judgment zone problem/solution box is a simple box that is placed in your house for everyone, including the children, to freely drop their concerns in to be addressed. Overall, everyone in the stepfamily just wants to be appreciated and respected and heard! One of the biggest problems that I have discovered with stepfamilies is that they don’t communicate, unless they are fighting about an issue. The stepmom does what she thinks is expected of her. The divorced dad is often the man caught in the middle as he tries to please both women (ex-wife and wife), and the kids feel like they have absolutely no say in what’s happening. Stepmoms don’t hold it in; voice your concerns. Divorced dads, tell your wives how you feel. Kids, we know this isn’t easy for you and we want you to know that we acknowledge how you feel. A problem/solution box gives everyone a voice and shows that you are working to find a solution that mostly works for everyone. More importantly, it allows the children to feel a part of the unit instead of feeling caught in the middle. It also shows them that the success of the family is also dependent upon their active participation.

Realistic Expectations

It is important to have realistic expectations when entering into a stepfamily. Remember, that stepfamilies do not and cannot operate as first families do and it will take time and a conscious effort to build and maintain your modern family. Relationships take time and effort to build, but not force. Establishing realistics expectations in the beginning will minimize hurt feelings and chaos.

Brady Bunch Syndrome

As we repeat over and over on Today’s Modern Family, the statistics are stunning.  65% of all remarriages end in divorce.  The big question everyone always has for me is why?  People think that just because they were married before, they will be able to apply themselves better the second time around.  The same mistakes won’t be made, they have all their old problems and issues worked out and they will make it work this time.  However, the dynamics of a remarriage are totally different than those of a first marriage.  Factor in you are blending in adults and children from totally different backgrounds, rules, ways of life, etc., and you can have a disaster on your hands before you know it.  I know that this might sound like I am being rather negative.  Quite the contrary.  There are several positive aspects to remarriage, too many to count actually, but at the same time, people who jump right into remarriage after divorce or death per say have this unrealistic idea that their new-found family will run just as smoothly as Carol and Mike Brady ran theirs, except they are forgetting one main component.  Carol and Mike Brady were made up characters that had all of the answers ahead of time because they read from a script!  Unfortunatley for those of us living our daily lives in real blended families,  life isn’t as easy as tuning into old episodes of the Brady Bunch.  Moreover, the Brady Bunch not only steered families into unrealistic expectations of real stepfamily life, it did a disservice to all of us.

In Mala Burt’s 8 Step Progeram for Successful Family Living she notes the following common myths that plague stepfamilies:

1.  Love Occurs Instantly Between the Child and Stepparent

An expectation exists that because you love your partner, you will naturally love his or her children and they will instantly love you. This expectation often sets up a family for failure as partners then question what is wrong with them. The answer is nothing is wrong with you. Relationships take time and there are many positive steps you can take to develop it.

2.  Stepmothers Are Wicked

Many fairy tales tell us so. This negative concept may make stepmothers very self-conscious about their step parenting. It can cause confusion about our roles. Stepfamily research tells us that stepmothers have the most difficult role in the stepfamily.

3.  Children Adjust to Divorce and Remarriage More Easily If Biological Fathers or Mothers Withdraw

Children will always have two biological parents and will have an easier adjustment if they have access to both. They need to see them and think well of them. This is important for their emotional health; except in those instances of parental abuse or neglect.

Peace & Blessings.
Diane

No One Can Grow In The Shade!

“YOU HAVE GOT TO DISCOVER YOU, WHAT YOU DO, AND TRUST IT!”    BARBARA STREISAND

With divorce comes a vast variety of emotions.  Unbeknownst to many of us, our lives have been shaken to it’s core and we are totally unprepared for the challenges that come along with the big  bad enemy we call  D-I-V-O-R-C-E!  To be quite honest, it sucks!  However, as we all know, after every rain shower, there is a rainbow.  The same holds true for life after divorce.  Problem is, we tend to hide from life after divorce.  We tend to decide that we can no longer shine.  We tend to accept what our temporary emotions are telling us and instead of making lemonade out of lemons, we stay stuck.  

TMF Readers, can we talk?  Albeit, divorce and remarriage both have many pitfalls.  If you go to any library in your community you will find many books on the subject.  However, no one book can prepare you for the injury you feel when divorce happens.  With that, today, I want to give you a few tips on learning how to nurture your emotional and personal growth after divorce.  As the title of this post reads, No One Can Grow In the Shade!  What do I mean by this you might ask?  Well, it’s simple.  Staying stuck holds you down.  It keeps you in the dark and forces you to keep assigning blame to yourself instead of truly evaluating the whole big picture.  It keeps you from accepting what has happened and it keeps you from moving on.  It keeps you from discovering the new person that you are and what personal gifts you have been blessed with.

Here are some tips for you to use in your journey:

• Reflect — but do not dwell.  During my divorce, I kept a journal.  Write down your feelings and leave them there.  Capture what you think went wrong and learn from it.  Using a journal to express yourself keeps you from making the huge mistake of being over-emotional around your children, etc.   It is a form of release. 
• Rebuild. Divorce can literally suck the life out of you — IF YOU ALLOW IT TO.  Find things you enjoy (i.e., hobbies, personal time, vacations, etc.) and focus on yourself.  In order to rebuild your life, you have to have inner strength and a main component of inner strength is taking care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally.  Find what you like to do and DO IT!  Take time for the pleasures in life that give you peace. 
• Eliminate and reduce stress/anxiety.  This may be hard to swallow, but you are divorced.  Yes, it’s over but your life is not.  Worrying about what could have been or what should have been done or what you could have done differently isn’t going to change the fact that you are divorced.  Take time to meditate on you.  Get a massage, hit the gym, find a space in your house that is all yours and relax.  Reduce your stress by writing down your feelings and then decide to move on.   Part of your learning process means you don’t have to make the same mistakes again — that in itself will lessen your anxiety.
• Fight your fears.  After divorce, people are so afraid to be alone that they, at times, jump from the frying pan to the fryer.  Patience is key.  Being alone doesn’t have to be the big ”fear” everyone makes it out to be.  It is important to have time to redefine yourself.  It is important to have time to rediscover what it is about you that makes you happy.  It is important to reflect on how you can grow from this situation.  You cannot do all of these very important things while at the same time jumping into a new relationship.  It doesn’t and won’t work.  Being alone and giving yourself your own undivided attention will build your self-esteem and self-worth.

TMF Readers, you cannot grow in the shade!  In order to be truly happy, we have to be able to acknowledge and find that WE, as individuals, can fulfill our own needs.  Hence, we can move on with our lives and become a better partner in our future relationships.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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