No One Can Grow In The Shade!

February 19, 2011 By 4 Comments

“YOU HAVE GOT TO DISCOVER YOU, WHAT YOU DO, AND TRUST IT!”    BARBARA STREISAND

With divorce comes a vast variety of emotions.  Unbeknownst to many of us, our lives have been shaken to it’s core and we are totally unprepared for the challenges that come along with the big  bad enemy we call  D-I-V-O-R-C-E!  To be quite honest, it sucks!  However, as we all know, after every rain shower, there is a rainbow.  The same holds true for life after divorce.  Problem is, we tend to hide from life after divorce.  We tend to decide that we can no longer shine.  We tend to accept what our temporary emotions are telling us and instead of making lemonade out of lemons, we stay stuck.  

TMF Readers, can we talk?  Albeit, divorce and remarriage both have many pitfalls.  If you go to any library in your community you will find many books on the subject.  However, no one book can prepare you for the injury you feel when divorce happens.  With that, today, I want to give you a few tips on learning how to nurture your emotional and personal growth after divorce.  As the title of this post reads, No One Can Grow In the Shade!  What do I mean by this you might ask?  Well, it’s simple.  Staying stuck holds you down.  It keeps you in the dark and forces you to keep assigning blame to yourself instead of truly evaluating the whole big picture.  It keeps you from accepting what has happened and it keeps you from moving on.  It keeps you from discovering the new person that you are and what personal gifts you have been blessed with.

Here are some tips for you to use in your journey:

  • Reflect — but do not dwell.  During my divorce, I kept a journal.  Write down your feelings and leave them there.  Capture what you think went wrong and learn from it.  Using a journal to express yourself keeps you from making the huge mistake of being over-emotional around your children, etc.   It is a form of release. 
  • Rebuild. Divorce can literally suck the life out of you — IF YOU ALLOW IT TO.  Find things you enjoy (i.e., hobbies, personal time, vacations, etc.) and focus on yourself.  In order to rebuild your life, you have to have inner strength and a main component of inner strength is taking care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally.  Find what you like to do and DO IT!  Take time for the pleasures in life that give you peace. 
  • Eliminate and reduce stress/anxiety.  This may be hard to swallow, but you are divorced.  Yes, it’s over but your life is not.  Worrying about what could have been or what should have been done or what you could have done differently isn’t going to change the fact that you are divorced.  Take time to meditate on you.  Get a massage, hit the gym, find a space in your house that is all yours and relax.  Reduce your stress by writing down your feelings and then decide to move on.   Part of your learning process means you don’t have to make the same mistakes again — that in itself will lessen your anxiety.
  • Fight your fears.  After divorce, people are so afraid to be alone that they, at times, jump from the frying pan to the fryer.  Patience is key.  Being alone doesn’t have to be the big ”fear” everyone makes it out to be.  It is important to have time to redefine yourself.  It is important to have time to rediscover what it is about you that makes you happy.  It is important to reflect on how you can grow from this situation.  You cannot do all of these very important things while at the same time jumping into a new relationship.  It doesn’t and won’t work.  Being alone and giving yourself your own undivided attention will build your self-esteem and self-worth.

TMF Readers, you cannot grow in the shade!  In order to be truly happy, we have to be able to acknowledge and find that WE, as individuals, can fulfill our own needs.  Hence, we can move on with our lives and become a better partner in our future relationships.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Noncustodial Mom and Founder of CFAA Speaks Out

November 30, 2010 By 1 Comment

The next guest in our interview series with dynamic women is a non-custodial mom, competitive fitness athlete, survivor of domestic violence AND my cousin (I’m so proud that I get to say that), Nichole Cruz. Before I share her insight on fitness, motherhood, divorce and moving on, let me share what I have learned from her. No matter what she has struggled with she is not bitter; she’s better because of it. She has learned to channel any negative feelings she has as a result of her circumstances through fitness, accept her reality and try to make the best of it. Check out our interview below and enjoy!

ncruzKela: You are a divorced mom of 3; is it difficult to balance dating, work and motherhood?

 Nichole:  When the children were younger, being a divorced mother and juggling day to day tasks was quite challenging and exhausting.  After my divorce I maintained working hours that were conducive to motherhood 8 to 5pm and even starting my own business to create my own hours.  I also incorporated my children into my workout routine; taking them to a local track and bringing along soccer balls and bikes so they can exercise while I ran.  In terms of dating, it was always important for me to keep my social life separate from my role as a mother.  I dated when the children were spending their time with their father.  It’s never easy dividing your time, however putting each role into their respective levels of importance is key. 

 Kela: Divorce is difficult for most, as we all know. How has fitness empowered you, not only physically but emotionally and mentally?

 Nichole:  I am a survivor of domestic violence.  I began my transformation a tad bit backwards, from the outside in.  After my third child, I returned to the gym with a friend of mine and began to gain physical strength and transforming my body.  As the physical changes emerged, the emotional and mental changes followed.  I began to rediscover my outer and inner strength which in turn, empowered me to leave the marriage, as a stay-at-home Mom, with no money – only my children and a minivan to my name.  One’s sense of self and self-confidence comes from FEELING good on the inside.  I began mine from the outside: I felt confident looking in the mirror which transformed my inner being.  The Phoenix tattoo on my back was a symbol of rebirth – of going through hell and emerging stronger and more powerful than before.

 Kela: How difficult is it being a non-custodial mom? What are some things that you did to cope once the custody decision was made? How did you help your children cope?

 Nichole: Traditionally, women were awarded custodial custody of the children post divorce, which was initially what happened in my case.  As the children grew, my ex-husband and I amended the original parenting agreement several times and most recently via a custody battle, my children’s father was awarded custodial parenting time.  Although it was not by choice, I had to determine how I was going to maintain my relationship with my children as they were accustomed to.  Because they are teenagers, it is a little easier to cope with the decision although it is still unsettling.  They all have cell phones, so I will either text or call them daily.  I ensure that I am involved with their education by keeping in contact with their teachers, keeping up with their grades and attending their sporting and school functions.  I try to stay involved in every aspect of their lives so that where they sleep doesn’t limit their contact with me or mine with them.   I also make sure that my parenting time with them is quality time, reconnecting and enjoying each other’s company, yet getting down to business and still being “Mom.”

 Kela: What advice do you have for other divorced moms? Non-Custodial moms?

 Nichole: My advice to other divorced Mom’s would be to make sure you stand up for what you want in terms of your children.  Your voice is extremely important and deserves to be heard.  As a non-custodial Mom, you may have to fight harder in order for your wants for your children to be heard and valued.  Don’t allow anyone to make you feel lesser than a mother because the legal system dictated the percentage of time you are allowed with your children.  Make sure the children know that you love them and are always accessible to them regardless of where they reside.

womanexercise Kela: Okay, let’s talk fitness. Give me 4 easy, but beneficial exercises a mom can do from the comfort of her own home?

 Nichole: This is my passion!  There are so many things you can do at home to stay in shape!  Body weight exercises are perfect to tone your muscles without going to a gym.  The following is a sample circuit which incorporates cardio and weight bearing exercises to get that metabolism stoked!

 60 seconds jumping jacks/running in place

60 seconds squats – thighs parallel to the ground

60 seconds push ups – if it gets tough, drop to your knees but KEEP MOVING

60 seconds crunches/sit ups (10 crunches, 10 situps – rotate for 60 seconds)

60 second rest

Repeat circuit 5 times – you will have completed 25 minutes of a muscle toning, total body workout! 

 Kela: How important is physical fitness for those who lead stressful lives?

Nichole: Physical fitness is not only important for the average individual, but more so for those who have stressful lives.  Exercise can cause release of chemicals called endorphins into your blood stream. These give you a feeling of happiness and positively affect your overall sense of well-being. Physically, exercise improves your cardiovascular functions by strengthening and enlarging the heart, causing greater elasticity of the blood vessels, increasing oxygen throughout your body, and lowering your blood levels of fats such as cholesterol and triglycerides. All of this, of course, means less chance of developing heart conditions, strokes, or high blood pressure. Mentally, exercise provides an outlet for negative emotions such as frustration, anger, and irritability, thereby promoting a more positive mood and outlook. Exercise improves mood by producing positive biochemical changes in the body and brain. Regular exercise reduces the amount of adrenal hormones your body releases in response to stress.  Beyond the stress, it’s important to model a healthy lifestyle for your children.  Our children are becoming more sedentary as our society increases technology.  Being fit increases the likelihood that your children an even your grandchildren adopt a healthy lifestyle and opt for healthy choices. 

ncruztn1 I am a 38 year young mother of three, a Personal Trainer as well as a Competitive Fitness Athlete.  I have been competing in Figure Competitions for approximately 4 years and most recently placed 5th in a local competition.  I have developed an association: CFAA -Competitive Fitness Athletes Association, to promote, develop and cultivate the competitive fitness athlete of color.  To learn more about the sport and about CFAA please email me:  cfathletes@gmail.com.  The website is soon to follow.

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Single Moms: Bloom Where You Are Planted!

July 21, 2010 By 2 Comments

kissToday, I was inspired by a young, 20-something single-mom who happens to be a close family friend.  She shared with me some of her recent struggles and her story was so reminiscent of my 20-year old single mother days that I had to put my thoughts down for all the single mothers out there who are struggling everyday; those who are also gifted with life experiences that today seem hard, but will one day be looked at as just one part of an amazing journey.

My advice is simple ladies:  Bloom where you are planted!

I spent essentially 15 years being a single mother in between the birth of my 3 children, a marriage and then being widowed.  During that time there were struggles, challenges and difficult conditions.  After lots of stress and struggle, I came to the realization that I could choose to still live an abundant life. It became empowering to know that I could put my energies toward the things and people who are most important to me instead focusing on or giving my power away to those struggles.  I wasn’t going to let them get the best of me.  And, single moms, trust me, I went through some stuff that could have easily wiped me out as a young woman and as a parent.

After a while, it took acceptance in order to appreciate that I could be just as successful in my personal and private life as a single mother as any married woman with children could.  The first lesson I had to learn was that of balance.  Life’s demands can make a person go crazy, add in single parenthood and you could, at times, feel like you have molotov cocktail on your hands.  Let’s be real.  Your day starts by getting up at the crack of dawn to get the kids fed and ready for daycare or school; you go to work all day and deal with crap there, only to come home and work another 8 hours handling everything on your own.  Add in attending school functions, the stress of being the sole provider, spending quality time with your children and all else that comes with running a household, which often times means robbing Peter to pay Paul.  Yes, married mothers go through some of these same struggles, but it is when you know that you do not have anyone else to fall back on that those mole hills feel like they are turning into huge mountains for you to climb.

However, with maturity comes acceptance and with acceptance comes growth.  Single mothers, the most important thing you can do to maintain your growth is to nurture yourself.  What do I mean above when I say, “Bloom Where Your Planted?”  I mean, find your strengths, accept your weaknesses and then grow.  The first step is to figure out what makes you happy in your own personal life.  Not in the life you lead with your children, but what makes you personally happy as an individual.  An example can be going back to school, indulging yourself in a specific hobby, focusing on your spiritual side.  Second, don’t be so hard on yourself.   Any decisions you have made that may not have totally been in your best interest at the time, you can use as learning tools.  We only learn to grow through making mistakes.  Third, be open for development.  Find a way to work in that extra class (i.e., online training, etc.) to advance yourself.  I worked for 2 years on my paralegal degree through correspondence training.  With all that was on my plate, it was the only option at the time.  When my boys went to bed, I went to school in my little apartment.  Read self-help books (they worked wonders for me).  Get involved in your church.  Find ways, outside of the stresses of work and home life to feel good about yourself.  Fourth, if you need help, don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for it.  We all need help once in a while.  Another point I would like to stress is this:  DO NOT get stuck in dead-end relationships.  Always keep your power in your own control.  Never give your power to another person and then rely on them for your happiness.  Form your personal relationships on your own terms, not someone else’s.  It is not until you are in a good, stable and secure place with yourself that you are able to accept a good man into your life.  When we are insecure and unstable, we tend to settle for less.  Never settle for less.

Being able to bloom where you are planted means when you get weak, think about where you are today versus where you were 6 months or a year ago.  Being able to love ourselves and accept our situations for what they are right now allows us to succeed where we are.  It creates the path for our futures which in turn directs our steps toward moving on from the typical stereotypes that come along with single motherhood.  Taking time to reflect on the positive attributes of your life once in a while will do you good.  At the same time, reflecting, but not dwelling, on the negative will allow you to basically compare yourself to the only person you should compare yourself to and that is YOU.   Most importantly, loving and accepting yourself for who you are to yourself and your children and being proud of where you have come is very important.  There are no limits for your future as long as you are open and willing to grasp opportunities.

Lastly ladies, if you don’t take anything from this article, remember that you are not defined by what others think of you.  We find definition in our compassion and unconditional love for our children and our own self-acceptance, self-worth, compassion and love for ourselves.  So, surround yourself with uplifting people who truly care about you and your children’s well-being.

KUDOS to all you single moms out there doing what others think is impossible! Keep on blooming!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Single Parent by Choice

May 1, 2010 By 1 Comment

momandgirlThere has been a growing trend over the past few years and that is single parenting by choice.   A recent morning program featuring two women discussing the subject of “choosing single motherhood” sparked my interest.  According to the US Census Bureau, almost one-third of the children in the United States are being raised in single parent households and the demographics of single parents are usually women in their mid to late 30′s who have at least a four year college education.

During the program, two women were on discussing how much healthier they thought it was to be raised by a single mom because in their opinion, the child had a say in most of the major decision making that took place in the household and therefore, felt happier and more well-rounded because of it.  That part of the conversation I did not agree with.  In my opinion, children, whether they are in a single parent home or in a two parent, traditional home, need not to be making parental decisions period, end of story.  They are children.  They should not have to worry about parental duties as children.

Due to the high divorce rate, a good portion of these women, in the absence of a healthy relationship, have decided to branch out and have children, without partnership.   Although alone, they feel that rather than being in a relationship they are not happy with and having children, they see being a loving, healthy single parent as a viable option.

With that being said, I can see where a woman might choose this option, however, this subject begs the question, “is it really fair for a child not to have two parents?  Considering the dilemma regarding absent fathers as it is in the United States, is it really healthy to promote single parenthood with the assumption that the father of the  child will have no involvement from the beginning?  Doesn’t every child deserve to have the satisfaction of having two parents?  I know that every day, children are abandoned by an absent parent (whether that be a mother or a father), and every day, a woman is forced into single motherhood, but is it actually fair to CHOOSE this route?

TMF readers, I would love to hear your opinions and thoughts on this subject.  Being a single parent in the past for many years myself, I know how hard that was for me.  As I have discussed in prior posts, it was during that time in my life that I was able to truly define myself as an individual and as a mother.  However, if it had been my CHOICE, I wouldn’t have had it that way.  It was hard to raise my children without a father.  Children need their fathers.  As a mother of boys, I  could do my best to teach them how to be men, but as a woman, it was a challenge.

Although I respect these women’s position and opinion, I personally feel that choosing to be a single mother is not always in the best interest of the children involved.

I’d love to hear your opinion.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Jumping Those Single Parent Hurdles

April 24, 2010 By 1 Comment

daughterrmotherLearning to date.  Finding happiness again.  Facing new challenges alone.  All three of these issues are relevant in the lives of a single parent.  Throw in the issue of dating and there is a great possibility that you may find yourself overwhelmed.

I was a single parent for many years before getting married and 3 months later becoming widowed.  I was then a single parent again for the next 6 years before marrying my current husband.  I will tell you that being a single mother was one of the hardest experiences I have ever faced, but it was also one of the most rewarding.   It was during those years that I found myself.   It was during those trials and turbulent times that I found that I had a deep inner strength that I didn’t know I had.  It was during that time that I became aware of what I truly was capable of.  Many single parents, I am sure, have felt or feel now the way I did.  There may be many of you right now reading this post who feel as if your journey is just beginning and you are re-learning who you really are.  With that, I wanted to share with you some of the challenges you may face but also give you some solutions as you go through them:

Learn to re-train your individuality outside of parenthood

One of the mistakes we make as single parents is allowing the act of “parenting” to consume or rule our whole lives.  Most single parents, including myself, have in the past or are currently making this mistake.  For the record, to me, this is the single most difficult hurdle to overcome.  It is ingrained in our minds and  in our upbringings to put our children before ourselves.  If we don’t, we are considered “neglectful.”  However, I learned a long time ago that not taking care of my own physical and emotional well-being, FIRST, made it almost impossible to properly take care of or attend to my children’s needs.  It is crucial to pay attention to our needs as parents but also to our needs as individuals.

Becoming dependent on your children for your own happiness

Unfortunately, during times of our own crisis as parents, we tend to reverse our roles as parents and turn to our children completely for our happiness.  Our children naturally bring us happiness but forcing our problems and issues upon them and making them feel responsible for making us happy is not just unfair to them but also not in their best interest.

Everyone needs to take a mental health day, including parents.  Don’t feel guilty about having a babysitter come in for the day (if it is feasible to your budget) so that you can enjoy a little of your own therapy time.  Whether that therapy be getting a manicure and pedicure, shopping for the day, or just a trip to the park to read a good book, it is very important to find what makes us happy and create our own blueprints in our lives.  In order to make our children happy, we have to be individually happy as well.

Preconceived notions

Most people assume that single parents need to be multi-taskers all of the time.  Well, I disagree.  Sometimes, we need to be single-taskers.   There will be times when you can’t “be all and do all” for everyone.  This does not make you an inadequate or bad parent.  It makes you human.   Research has also shown that multi-tasking can actually be counter-productive.  It doesn’t allow you to really focus properly on what you are trying to accomplish.   Take each day, one day at a time, and do your best.

Being a single parent is tough.  Sometimes, it can even be cruel.  However if you remember to follow your own blueprints, your journey will be filled with some of the greatest memories and rewards you can imagine.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Life After Divorce

February 12, 2010 By 4 Comments

divorcedmomThere is no easy answer to divorce.  Every family that experiences divorce experiences pain, grief, anger, fear, guilt and especially feelings of sheer sadness.

If you have suddenly been confronted with single parenthood as a result of a divorce, it is a crucial time for you to realize that you must accept change as best you can and move toward revitalization of you and your children’s lives.  However, that is always easier said than done.  An important factor to look for and to seek out during this crucial time is a good support system.  An example can be your church pastor or group, a private professional counselor trained to handle these issues, a good friend or even members of your own family.  You will need help getting acclimated to your new position and, at times, this can be relatively hard to handle alone while you are going through all the emotional changes divorce can bring.

Another important factor to apply is positivity.  Being positive will help during challenging times.  Again, you might say, “easier said than done.”  I agree.  However, focusing on the negative aspects of your situation gets you where?  Exactly….. absolutely no where!  Not to mention, constant negativity makes a child’s transition in divorce ten times as hard to trudge through.  First, they have to deal with what some have compared to a “death” blow to their entire existence with their parents divorcing so in fact, negativity (i.e., involving them in grown folks business or disparagement of your ex-spouse, etc.) during this time only causes them further pain.

If you are in a new remarriage and trying to reinvent and reinvigorate your family, it is so important to communicate with your children about the changes taking place in their lives.  Children are smart and know when things have gone awry in their lives.  They are still in a very fragile acceptance mode with a new remarriage and need stability and lots of care.  Predictability fosters security for children.  Not allowing their whole life to change because of your divorce is crucial.  Keep some sense of normalcy.  Keep them in the same activities, if you can.  Communicate with them about their feelings and the changes taking place around them.  By doing so, you are teaching them how to handle adversity and protecting and preparing them for further changes that may arise in the future.  We often think that if we alter our children’s reality that we are saving them from hurt and pain.  As I said above, children are very intuitive human beings. Not only that, but “protecting” them from reality is not properly preparing them for life.

As I mentioned above, the main component and most integral part of reinvigorating your family is support.  Co-parenting first and supporting your children together will help them accept the changes being made in a “positive” way.  As we often state here at Today’s Modern Family, there are never “ex-parents” only “ex-spouses.”  Another key component is committing to co-parenting with your ex-spouse on a healthy level so as to not interrupt your child’s relationship with the other parent.  In other words, the drama between the two of you shouldn’t have to be your child’s drama nor should he/she have to carry that load on their shoulders.  They want to love both parents and have the right to do so.  Again, this is where being positive plays a major role.  In other words, being good co-parents makes the road your children will have to travel a little less bumpy.

stepfamIf you are living in a new step-family or are about to embark on the path of step-parenthood, keep in mind that your expectations must be in line with the reality of your new position and situation.  The children involved do not have to fall in love with you right away and probably won’t.  On the other hand, the same holds true for you and you are not a bad step-parent if you don’t love your step-child right away.  That relationship will build over time.  If you are a bio-parent, allow your child the opportunity to learn about his/her step-parent on their own terms.  Do not compete.  Do not force your opinions on your children.  Doing so,  will allow you to open the door for your children to make his/her own choices and form their own individual opinions.  That is what you would teach them otherwise if you were still married and in your nuclear family and what you would want in return from your ex-spouse, correct?  Your choices will have a direct effect on the positive or negative energy that your child brings into their new found life as a stepchild.

Children need to feel that they are a part of each of their parents and that means their parents’ families.  Accepting that your own feelings and views about your ex-spouse  or his/her new partner are just that…YOUR feelings and views.  Not forcing them and making them issues for your children only benefit them.  It allows them the freedom of expressing their own feelings and emotions, and allows them to feel validated.

By nurturing not only your children but yourself as well, during this time, you will be setting a clear example of what it means to effectively co-parent and to reinvent and reinvigorate your new life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Advice for Single Divorced Moms

January 29, 2010 By 1 Comment

Single Divorced Mom and Actress, Nia Long

As a stepmother, I realize that we have very difficult positions in our stepfamilies. Many have been thoroughly discussed and explained right here on this blog. However, as a former single mother, I understand how difficult this position can be as well.

It is easy to lose yourself while going through a divorce or breakup while trying to raise a child simultaneously. As I’ve stated in earlier posts, the divorced mom has to keep going regardless. Finding the time to grieve the loss of a life she once knew and figuring out a way to move forward is a challenging task for the single divorced mom because she is often times the custodial parent.  She is responsible for the daily tasks involving the children and can’t stop for long periods of time to cry, scream and/or just collect herself. As a result, her emotions are often all over the place and she clings to what she feels like she has some control over – HER CHILDREN.  For a minute, let’s put ourselves in her shoes. Ex-husband gets more free time to grieve, to figure out his next move and to date. I realize that he’s a parent too, but let’s be honest; an every other weekend dad pales in comparison to the job of a full-time mom. On top of that, he has the nerve to demand when, where and for how long he can see children who she is primarily responsible for AND, don’t let him get a girlfriend or a wife, who is now on the other end putting in her demands as well. The nerve of these people trying to step in and tell her how to raise children that she’s had to give up her life and sacrifice so much for. Dad is clearly out having a life, while her time is limited because she has the kids most of the time.

I bet she’s thinking, “The nerve of these people.” “They should show me a little more respect as the woman who primarily cares for these children, instead of acting like my opinion doesn’t even count!” I certainly know that’s I initially felt this way as a single mother. It truly did feel like my ex and his wife were ganging up on me instead of working with me to raise our son.

As you can imagine I was initially really upset because the situation felt extremely unfair to me. But, then I started to look at the situation from a different point of view. I realized that my ex asking for more time to spend with our son could actually work to my benefit, duh! All along I had been complaining that while he got to run off and live his life, I was the one who had to sacrifice to be the full-time parent. Well giving him more uninterrupted time would give me more time! I’d be a fool to challenge that just because of my ego. As a result, I decided that he could have him whenever he wanted and our son could visit with him whenever and for how ever long he wanted to. I would not stand in their way because by doing so, I was standing in my way as well.

In a interview with Clutch Magazine, actress and divorced single mother, Nia Long said that she looks forward to her “Nia Time.” She went on to say that part of maintaining her peace of mind is making sure she carves out those moments for herself; moments to workout, take mini vacations or spend time with her girlfriends.  By doing so, she is able to return to her mommy duties refreshed and recharged, ready to do it all over again! She also encouraged single mothers to ask and accept help and expressed that her ex-husband is very involved in their 9 year old son’s life.

It’s important for the single divorced mom to get out there and get her groove back. I want to encourage you all to let go a little and allow your ex-husband to spend more time with his kids. It doesn’t mean that you’ve lost or will lose anything. Your babies will ALWAYS be your babies, no matter how wonderful stepmom is, she’ll never be able to replace you. Find comfort in knowing that and use this time to get out there and regain your independence. Take a mini vacation, do something that you’ve always wanted to do, flirt a little, laugh a lot and finally realize that more time for dad means more time for you! It is possible to still be a divorced mom without losing yourself.

So to all my modern day divorced mommies, the next time the kids are away, (don’t worry they are in good hands) promise me that you will play. Put on a little black dress, call up a girlfriend and get out there and get your groove back. Remember, you are more than just a mom or an ex-wife, you are a beautiful woman who deserves to feel like that every moment you get. It doesn’t make you a bad parent. It will actually make you a better one!

Grace and Peace,

Kela

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Single Parenting Can Be Challenging and Triumphant

December 8, 2009 By Leave a Comment

“More than half of the children in the US will live, for some time, in a single-parent household.”
Dr. Benjamin Spock


In today’s society, living in a two parent home is like being on the endangered species list.  As Dr. Spock said, more than half of all the children in the United States live or have lived in a single-parent household.  I remember growing up being raised by my single-mother in the late 70′s and early 80′s and I thought I was the “only one” at times.  All of my classmates’ parents were married.  I was also a single mother for years so I have walked in the same shoes some of you readers are walking in right now.  It’s not an easy road to travel.   However, for all the pitfalls that can be experienced during single parenthood, there are many success stories and triumphs as well.  One of the triumphs that I personally experienced as a single mother was that I found out that I am a very strong person.  I found out that I could handle a lot more than I initially thought I could.  I became very self-reliant and less co-dependent on others.  Many times, I discovered that I had more strength than I ever gave myself credit for.  Looking back now, I think, those times were tough, but we made it.  I accepted the challenges and I grew through them.

One of the main struggles single parents deal with is financial stability.  This can be one of the most difficult.  What I found is that during times like these, you have quickly learn to be resourceful.   You have to learn to be the provider for your children, the carpenter, the electrician, the cook, the banker, the auto mechanic, the grocer and mom or dad all at the same time because you can’t afford to pay anyone to do anything extra.  A lot of the times, some single parents do all of these things on one income and don’t get any child support.  Talk about stress.

Through all of the challenges that single parenthood can bring, you can be successful, no matter the stigma of society.  Although, obviously, a two-parent home is divine and was the original plan, life doesn’t always work out the way we plan.  You can have success being a single parent and I have seen many very inspiring children become extremely intelligent, responsible and well rounded adults who were raised by a single mother or father.  Those children learned to be independent.  They learned early on that learning to deal with strife is part of life’s learning process and it’s how you get through those challenges that make the difference.  They learned to take responsibility for their actions and solve their problems through self-reliance.

If you are a new single parent, here are a few tips that you might find helpful:

1.  Take care of yourself.  Talk to other single parents.  When times are tough, it is easy to get caught up in all of the problems.  You become stressed out and my philosophy on this is “when mama or daddy ain’t happy, nobody’s happy!”  Take time to refresh yourself once in a while.  Even if that means you have to enlist your parents or siblings to watch the children and you have a day to yourself in your own apartment.  Give yourself that time.

2.  Be a good example. Make sure your values always exemplify how you want your children to see you and what you want them to grow up to teach their children.

3.  Do not alienate the other parent.  This never works.  It actually has the opposite effect in the long run.  Make sure you keep your personal feelings for your ex or your children’s father or mother out of your decision making regarding your children’s relationship with him/her.

4.  Make a budget and stick to it.  This is the most stressful situation for a single parent.  Make a budget (go online – there are plenty of them for free) and stick to it.  This is imperative and will reduce your stress.

5.  Avoid negative labels.  Keep your head up.  Do not allow the stigma that society places on you change who you are.  You are strong, you will get through this time in life.

None of the above tips are always easy to stick by, but you will be glad you did.  Simply put, being a single-parent is hard but despite problems, you can achieve a closeness with your children that will never be broken.  During the process, you might get a little grayer (hair that is) but you will definitely come out of the situation a wiser and stronger person for it.  I know I did.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

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Divorce and Single Fatherhood

May 28, 2009 By 1 Comment

Picture having 3 rambunctious little boys, ages 5, 6, and 8, while dealing with diabetes and in a less than thriving economy. Some would take bets on whether the extreme exhaustion or diabetes (aggrivated by stress) would take you out, but neither has taken 32 year old Carl Torrence out just yet. He awakens every morning to the pitter patter of six little feet, complicated schedules, cooking, cleaning and the overall joys and perils of fatherhood. He’s a regular modern day Mr. Mom – only there’s no Mrs. Carl is a single father who has been raising his boys since they were only 1, 3 and 5.

Carl has been separated from his wife for almost 4 years and divorced for a little over a year. Initially, the boys stayed with their mother but a month after the separation his oldest son started acting out.

“My oldest son started acting out. She couldn’t handle it so she sent him to live with me. Two months later, the other boys came to live with me, too. She often times would say that she didn’t want to be a mom.”

Because Torrence grew up in a broken home himself and was raised by his father, he always knew that if he and his ex-wife ever separated or divorced he would want his children.

“I was raised by my father and I used to tell my ex-wife that if something happens between us, they would live with me.”

However, Torrence decided to leave his very young children with their mother initially because he didn’t want them to suffer and he didn’t think he could properly care for his children at the time. Not to mention that he never saw his mother when he was younger and didn’t want the same for his children.

Carl admits that he had a really tough time taking care of his boys.  He was selling real estate in a terrible market and he couldn’t afford day care for his 1 and 3 year old. He lost his job, his house and had to obtain government assistance just to feed them. He moved them to a fixer uper that didn’t even have heat, nor did they have beds. Some nights they slept in a tent in the living room and he told them they were camping so they wouldn’t know the reality of their situation. He didn’t know what or how he was going to do it some days, but he knew he was happy that they were all together.

When I asked Carl why he just didn’t get a divorce at that time and then make her pay child support, he said that he was afraid of losing his kids.

“This is a woman’s state and I thought they would demand that I return my kids to my ex-wife, even though she didn’t want them in the first place. Most women are vindictive. When they get mad there is no telling what they’re going to do and I didn’t want to lose my kids.”

Because my husband is currently experiencing parental alienation (usually women are the alienators), I was curious to learn whether or not Carl has ever felt as if he’s alienated his children from their mother and he responded with an emphatic NO! He also said that he never says anything negative to her or about her to his kids.

“I never pushed her away. My boys love their mom, but right now they need her to be something she’s just not, and I do all I can to create that person in their minds. I told my ex-wife that the door remains open for her to come back into their life and they will be accessible to her as long as they needed her.”

When asked about dating, Torrence admitted that he would like to date, but said the woman will have to be VERY special if she plans to interact with his boys. He doesn’t want his sons around any old type of woman.

“I don’t want to just date any kind of woman, he said. She must be goal-oriented, not married and love kids. These boys require a lot and I need to know that she can handle what she signs up for.”

From soccer practice to grocery shopping and from cooking to cleaning, Carl is redefining fatherhood; proving that some men love their children just as much as women do and instead of running away from their responsibilities, they are running to them!

“My job as their father is to prepare them for life; for the things that I know are coming and for the things that I don’t know are coming. I will do all I can to be the best parent I can be to make sure that they grow up being well-rounded young men.”

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Loneliness – A Reality of Being Newly Divorced

April 30, 2009 By 2 Comments

It almost seems like every day as a single parent you are dating your kids.A wonderful evening is dinner with your children with an hour episode of Hannah Montana, ICarly, and Josh and Drake.You end the evening with a charming but gentle story about a person who has nothing and in less than 40 pages ends up gaining the whole world.You teach faith to your children as you amiably pray with them and agree with God that they will grow up to be that person that gains the whole world, just like the characters in the book.You kiss them on the forehead and remind them that you love them. You turn and exit the room realizing that you don’t have anyone to tuck you in, kiss you on the forehead and pray with you.What used to be a warm bed is now filled with pillows that mimic the fact that you are alone.

You exit your child’s room pissed off because this is not what you dreamed about. This is not what your parents prayed about for you.Instead of having gained the world, this story has ended horribly.You find yourself looking at your collection of children books and what used to make you happy as a child makes you irritated.You say to yourself that all of these childhood stories are lies.If you are a man you might begin to think that there is no such thing as a Cinderella but a gold-digger instead.And what does seven men living with Snow White make her – a ‘hoe’?If you are a woman you might wonder if your Kent is really Kermit the frog and if your Prince Charming just got out of jail and is without a job. All of a sudden a little person that wears a dark outfitand looks just like you, sits above your left shoulder and reminds you that your ex -spouse left a bottle of tequila that you bought 10 years ago on your honeymoon. You were going to open it on your anniversary, but hell he or she is gone. You take a moment to reflect on your past relationship then you open the bottle and take a few shots, not really drunk but tipsy, you find the courage to pick up the phone and call your ex just to say, thank you for nothing, laughing as you hang up the phone.The morning comes and you find yourself with a headache and the reality that you are starting over again.They are gone and you are left picking up the pieces.

Loneliness is a reality of being divorced.What used to be so common is now so uncommon.You want to cry but ever y time you try to deal with your emotions you can’t because you have to do something for your children.Let’s not forget the haunting sounds of family that are missing.It feels like your house is filled with ghosts.You look in the direction they once played or slept only to find they aren’t there anymore. Your parents call you everyday just to make sure you have not tried to kill yourself.You will not watch romantic movies because it too much to handle.You hate to see couples and you feel like the universe has robbed you of your dignity.You hate running into people who knew you and your spouse, because they always ask how the other person is doing.Over and over again you have to say that we are going through a divorce.What really makes you mad is when they say those magic words, “I am so sorry.”You have this 30 second dream where you kick the ass of every person who should have told you that your marriage was going to end one day.When you come back to reality they are still talking, you find an excuse to end the conversation, instead of saying, “Could you please shut the hell up, before I kick your ass!”

Even though it seems that your world is ending, your life is just beginning.I have learned that regardless of the circumstance the sun will rise again. What appear to be your darkest days are the days where you display tremendous amounts of strength.The reality is that you are not dating your kids you are putting your kids first while trying to find a balance.It takes time to learn how to be the responsible parent while learning how to reconfigure your life.Instead of trying to find love, spend time trying to find you.Explore the things that you always dreamed of doing. Take a dance class, meet new people, explore the world though the eyes of a new opportunity instead of through the eyes of a broken marriage.Remember, you are not alone; millions of people have gone through a divorce.Even me, I am a new inductee into the blended family crew.

Antonio Love is a recently divorced father who is currently raising his daughter. He is also the author of Talking What Ya Want and Divorce, Who Needs Furniture Anyway. For more information on Antonio Love and his movement, please visit www.antoniolove.com.

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