BFSO Loves The Newest Seattle Seahawk, Aaron Curry!

On Saturday I watched the NFL draft with my number one draft pick – my husband. We actually DVR’d it because we were gone when it came on. My baby surprised me with a movie (we saw Obsessed and it was FANTASTIC!), and afterwards we enjoyed sushi, strawberries dipped in chocolate, wine actually it was sparkling grape juice because we don’t drink, the most delicious cheesecake and the house to ourselves for several hours. It was wonderful!!!

At any rate, I actually enjoyed watching the draft; not only because I get to spend some time with my husband, doing something that he enjoys more than life itself, but because I love hearing the stories behind the players. Like many of the previous drafts, this year’s draft featured many players who come from single parent and blended homes and homes without fathers. I was amazed when I heard what these young men had overcome, their positive attitudes despite their circumstances and their caring hearts. One of my favorites this year is the newest Seattle Seahawk, Aaron Curry.

Born April 6, 1986 in Fayetteville, North Carolina, Curry was drafted fourth overall by the Seattle Seahawks as a linebacker. After watching the tears in his eyes while he gave a hug to his little friend, lukemia patient, Bryson Merriweather, I could tell that this was a very special day for both of them. Immediately, I fell in love with Mr. Curry!

Curry had known Bryson for a mere 10 days, but it looked like they were long-time friends. When Curry found out that he was going to the draft, he called St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital in Memphis to see if any of the kids might want to accompany him and Bryson’s story captured his heart.

The 12 year old was at football practice one afternoon and was having trouble breathing. His mother took him to the doctor thinking it was asthma, but the doctor informed her that it was lukemia. She said that football actually saved his life.

Aaron Curry with 12 year old lukemia patient, Bryson Merriweather

Because Curry grew up in a rough area of Fayetteville, North Carolina and had minimal contact with his father – his father is former Detroit Lions, Reggie Pinkney, he felt the same way about football.

“It kept me off the streets, allowed me to get a great education, and always gave me a place to cope with my frustrations,” Curry said.  “Without football, there was no way I was going to be able to manage some of the things that I went through.”

A likely match, Bryson and Curry flew to New York on Wednesday. They enjoyed a private tour of the Empire State Building, lunch at ESPN Zone, video games and of course, the draft on Saturday. It was the first time in New York City for both Curry and Bryson and clearly a time in their lives that neither would forget.

Curry was raised with his two older brothers by his mother, Chris Curry. He has had a minimal relationship with his father, former Detroit Lions and Baltimore Colts defensive back, Reggie Pinkney. And it looks like Ms. Chris Curry did an EXCELLENT job with this young man despite minimal contact with his father.

Aaron Curry's father, Reggie Pinkney

WE LOVE AARON CURRY! His heart, positive attitude, and strength should be not only admired, but celebrated. Often times athletes get a bad wrap, but Aaron Curry proves that SOME are really caring, compassionate citizens of this world who desire to give back.  BFSO salutes Aaron Curry!

Divorce – Who Needs Furniture?

An excerpt from the book, Divorce, Who Needs Furniture Anyway?

I never would have thought it could happen to me. I have spent endless days evaluating the things that has brought me to this moment of truth. I am going through a divorce. I am single again. What was a ten year investment has crashed like the economy and I find myself handed a pink slip reminding me that I am no longer needed for my services. I am beyond crying I am shell shocked, as I look at her boxes as they fill a home that was designed for us. I flip channels on the TV because I can only assume that this is a romantic movie and somehow the love and romance will soon spark and somehow it will be fixed. Needless to say that time never came as I still get caught in ignoring the world around me as it is packed away. I sit and sip wine as if you were still sitting here. Only to remind myself that it was only my imagination, that you have never sat next to me. Feeling disgusted that i am caught dreaming about a dream. Dreaming of a world by which two people are in love with the thought of being in love. That we both live in a world of us and and everything else is just in it. That time never arrived as the movers have pulled up to the house. I was naive to the warning signs. That this marriage was long over, I guess when communication was like having a business meeting and sex was like an appointment, that just might be a sign that the relationship is over. However, I loved as If I was blind. While the movers start loading the truck.

We sit and talk for the last time, civil like friends. Reflect on the good times you wish me the best and I tell you I hope you find the happiness you could not find in me. Then we both agree that our little girl would stay with me and we will raise her together. Then Bobby the mover asked are you about ready. You nod with a yes. We hug for the last time. I walk you to the door I wave as you get into your car and drive away. As I locked the door, an epiphany in my heart arose that I was locking a door to season of my life that was over. That my life at this point would forever be different. The way I look at my life, love, and relationships will forever be changed.

I cry because I feel free to love again, but I am nervous about starting over again. Optimistic about the new life that I will design for me and my child, nevertheless scared of failure. Wanting to date but stuck with 1993 pick up lines. I have a swag that is unbelievable but I will not play games. Wanting to get my groove on but I am stuck reading bedtime stories and watching Hannah Montana. Refuse to parent from a cell phone as I try to start my life over again. Have to get my hustle on but the daycare close at 5:30 and bedtime is at 8. My parents say I doing a good job, I said that this is all their fault. That they cursed me, that all they have ever taught me was how to be married, I don’t know how to be single. I would have never thought that this would be apart of my journey. Who would have ever thought that Love would have to learn how to love again . What the hell, who needs furniture anyway. She left me with a TV and the Nintendo Wii.

Antonio Love is a recently divorced father who is currently raising his daughter. He is also the author of Talking What Ya Want and Divorce, Who Needs Furniture Anyway. For more information on Antonio Love and his movement, please visit www.antoniolove.com.

An Ex-Wife Wants to Smack Other Ex-Wives!

I was perusing my blog favorites this morning and ran across a very interesting and insightful post, written by one of my favorite ex-wives on Adventures in Divorce. She exudes what I’ve been talking about all along on this blog; that it’s okay to have certain feelings of jealousy and ego, as an ex-wife, when your ex moves on, but you can’t act on those feelings by using your children as pawns. It’s just plain wrong! At any rate, read her post below, entitled, ‘Please be a Little Selfish. I’m sure you’ll find it insightful as well.

If you’re going to be selfish and self centered, do it the way I do it….. I love my kids, but I love my “me time” as well. Ok, I’m being facetious and extreme here with the “selfish and self centered” characterization, but really….. I feel like it’s a win-win when my kids are off spending time with their dad and with each other (remember, Daughter primarily lives with me and Son lives with him, so they’re not together all the time anymore). They get to spend good, NECESSARY quality time with their father and each other, and I get a regularly scheduled (and sometimes bonus) break and I know that they are with someone who loves them and cares for them just as much as I do. I can do the things that I want and need to do for myself (I keep a standing nail appointment every other Saturday), I can travel, I don’t have to worry about cooking square meals, I can sleep as long as I want, I don’t have to chauffeur anyone around all day, and I don’t have to entertain anyone or find someone else to entertain them.

Right now my kids are spending the first half of their spring break with their dad, and I thoroughly enjoyed only having to get myself ready this morning and I’m looking forward to a nap after work and not hearing anyone whine about eating veggie burgers (again!) and a cup of yogurt for dinner. This weekend I’m going to Washington DC with my kids, my beau, and we’re picking up his son (who lives 3 hours away) on the way and he’s going, too. I was a little worried (we both were, actually) that his mother wouldn’t let him go because it’s not his dad’s weekend and because he would be going with me (she’d expressed some attitude about me before, but nothing major), but surprisingly she said yes. But please…. let someone offer me an extra free weekend of babysitting, I’d be all over it.

(I suspect the decision hinged on the fact that she’s been busy finishing up her Master’s program and needs him out of her hair anyway…. or maybe because now she’s boo’d up too, which seems to have upped her cooperation level considerably…. but whatever, I’m looking forward to our Brady Bunch Dating trip.)

Sometimes I worry that I’m a little too un-mom-like for not taking pleasure in being such a martyr to my children by being at their beck and call 25/8, and actually enjoying some time to myself every once in awhile……..or perhaps I’m just finding the positive aspect of an unavoidable situation (i.e. the kids can no longer be with both of us at the same time). I tell my Ex that he can take the kids whenever he’d like. I may miss them, but I know they’ll be back and I know they’re well taken care of. And I know how crucial it is for fathers to be involved in their children’s lives. There are enough deadbeat and lackluster dads out there that we as women don’t need to discourage the ones who are good, responsible and loving fathers.

So ladies, next time you have that itchy creepy jealousy feeling that makes you want to “show him a thing or two” and not let him see his child…. please, for your child’s sake, be a little “selfish”.

Divorce, Dating and Kids

For many newly divorced, single parents, dating can be literally mortifying! Some may have not even dated in years because they were married. Some don’t know how to date. Some don’t have times to date. Not only is finding enough time to date an issue, but introducing your new mate to your child(ren) can be a bigger issue.  How and when do I introduce my children are common questions that divorced/single parents have.

When my ex and I decided to go our separate ways I was admittedly fearful of dating. My ex and I were together for nearly 6 years; which means I hadn’t dated in that long. Not to mention that I was finishing up my bachelor’s degree, working, my father was terminally ill and I was raising a little boy, alone (my ex is an overseas basketball player). So as you can imagine, dating was literally the furthest thing from my mind. Sure I enjoyed nice dinners from time to time with gentlemen, but I was not interested in seriously dating anyone. Additionally, I decided that I wasn’t going to bring multiple men in and out of my son’s life so I told myself that I wasn’t going to introduce anyone to my son unless it was serious. However, after my first ‘serious’ (I decided to give dating a try after I obtained my degree) relationship didn’t work out I had a new realization. I realized that not every level of dating necessitated including my son. As such, I concluded that seriously dating didn’t mean that we spent a lot of time together, we were enamored with each other or that we were even exclusive. Instead, seriously dating meant that we were not only committed, but talking about our future together; meaning marriage, parenting, children, etc. After that, I only had one other man that I was dating around my son and I married him.

Once you’ve decided that you are in a serious committed relationship, you’ll want to have meaningful dialogue about your new mate with your children. Although it’s important to affirm your unconditional love and commitment to your children, you don’t need their approval to involve your serious beau or belle in their life. Remember, you’re just initiating a light-hearted conversation about it. If you make it too serious, then they’ll take it too seriously and begin to have fear of how things will change once the new beau or belle enters the family.

In my case, I just asked my son, who was 4 at the time, if he would like to meet mommy’s new friend. I told him that we would all do something really fun together and get to know each other better. I allowed him to choose the activity and emphasized that we would all just enjoy getting to know each other. He asked some general questions such as; is he nice and will he play with me? Overall, he didn’t seem hesitant about meeting him and never questioned my love for him. That being said, I realize that this scenario will play out a little differently with older children. As such, you will likely have to have more meaningful dialogue with them. I would begin by emphasizing your love and support of your children individually and then your family as a whole. Then ask the children questions about what they would like for your family. What are they looking for in someone that you might bring into the family? This will help them feel included in your relationship that is important to you. It helps them feel less like an outsider in your new life.

Dating after divorce can be scary, but it is possible to find love a second time around. You just have to remember that accepting parent dating relationships is sometimes a slow process for children. But, if you carefully order your steps, they will begin to see that including another person in your family is about expanding your family; not dividing it.

Divorce Parties by Kela Price

I was watching the Tyra Banks show the other day and her topic was divorce parties. Various women were talking about how they were celebrating their divorces however; when they all shared their stories individually, you could see the pain in their eyes as tears rolled down their faces. I could tell that they were trying to convince themselves to celebrate their new found singlehood, but really didn’t feel much like celebrating at all.

Divorce is a very difficult and scary thing to deal with. It can literally turn EVERYONE’S  world upside down. And although there is and should be a brief grieving period, one shouldn’t dwell on what could’ve, should’ve or might have been. It prevents EVERYONE from moving on; your ex, your children and YOU! Yet, so many women have trouble with truly moving on after a divorce.

So I pondered this concept of divorce parties for several days prior to writing this post. I wanted to be absolutely certain as to how I felt about the concept; making sure that I don’t promote the idea of divorce as a solution to all marital problems because it is not. If your husband leaves the toilet seat up, calls you a bad cook or even dislikes your mother, these are not reasons to even contemplate a divorce. But, if there are issues that you just can’t move past, such as an affair, then sometimes moving on is the best option for everyone.

When the choice is made (sometimes it’s made for you) and after you’ve had that brief grieving period, it’s time to look toward the future. This is where the concept of divorce parites come into play. At this point, there’s no more dwelling on how your ex-husband failed you, how you failed your ex-husband or how you both failed the children. What’s done is done and now it’s time to move forward. First, take some “me” time. Time to rediscover who you are; not you the wife or you the mother, but you the individual. Fall in love with her, get your confidence back and embrace the new you. Embrace all of the potential that your future holds instead of dwelling on the past. Second, figure out what’s next. What are you going to do with your life? If your husband was the breadwinner, then you might contemplate going back to school or finding a new career path. Third, use your past in a positive way from this point on. Instead of dwelling on the negative, use it to propel you forward. Learn from the positive AND the negative; his mistakes AND yours. That experience, believe it or not, will play a huge role in the person that you will become.

I got to the point where I actually thanked (not literally) my ex for all of our shared experiences because they shaped who I am today. I learned what to do and what not to do. I learned what I would tolerate and what I just couldn’t. One of my favorite artist is Brandy because there is a song on her Afrodisiac album called ‘Who I Am’ (a song about her own “break up”) that sums up how I feel and the point I am trying to make. The course is as follows:

“Thank you for all the tears, all the stress. You’re the best. I feel blessed. I’m a better woman now. Look how I smile, all you did was help the next man. This experience made me who I am.”

So for me, divorce parties symbolize a celebration. It means celebrating new beginnings, the new you, being grateful for your past and embracing your future. Adopting this way of thinking decreases one’s chances of holding grudges, being bitter and taking it out on everyone in the blended family. It allows you to embrace what’s to come instead of dwelling on what should’ve been and enables the entire family to move on.

« Previous Page