No One Can Grow In The Shade!

“YOU HAVE GOT TO DISCOVER YOU, WHAT YOU DO, AND TRUST IT!”    BARBARA STREISAND

With divorce comes a vast variety of emotions.  Unbeknownst to many of us, our lives have been shaken to it’s core and we are totally unprepared for the challenges that come along with the big  bad enemy we call  D-I-V-O-R-C-E!  To be quite honest, it sucks!  However, as we all know, after every rain shower, there is a rainbow.  The same holds true for life after divorce.  Problem is, we tend to hide from life after divorce.  We tend to decide that we can no longer shine.  We tend to accept what our temporary emotions are telling us and instead of making lemonade out of lemons, we stay stuck.  

TMF Readers, can we talk?  Albeit, divorce and remarriage both have many pitfalls.  If you go to any library in your community you will find many books on the subject.  However, no one book can prepare you for the injury you feel when divorce happens.  With that, today, I want to give you a few tips on learning how to nurture your emotional and personal growth after divorce.  As the title of this post reads, No One Can Grow In the Shade!  What do I mean by this you might ask?  Well, it’s simple.  Staying stuck holds you down.  It keeps you in the dark and forces you to keep assigning blame to yourself instead of truly evaluating the whole big picture.  It keeps you from accepting what has happened and it keeps you from moving on.  It keeps you from discovering the new person that you are and what personal gifts you have been blessed with.

Here are some tips for you to use in your journey:

• Reflect — but do not dwell.  During my divorce, I kept a journal.  Write down your feelings and leave them there.  Capture what you think went wrong and learn from it.  Using a journal to express yourself keeps you from making the huge mistake of being over-emotional around your children, etc.   It is a form of release. 
• Rebuild. Divorce can literally suck the life out of you — IF YOU ALLOW IT TO.  Find things you enjoy (i.e., hobbies, personal time, vacations, etc.) and focus on yourself.  In order to rebuild your life, you have to have inner strength and a main component of inner strength is taking care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally.  Find what you like to do and DO IT!  Take time for the pleasures in life that give you peace. 
• Eliminate and reduce stress/anxiety.  This may be hard to swallow, but you are divorced.  Yes, it’s over but your life is not.  Worrying about what could have been or what should have been done or what you could have done differently isn’t going to change the fact that you are divorced.  Take time to meditate on you.  Get a massage, hit the gym, find a space in your house that is all yours and relax.  Reduce your stress by writing down your feelings and then decide to move on.   Part of your learning process means you don’t have to make the same mistakes again — that in itself will lessen your anxiety.
• Fight your fears.  After divorce, people are so afraid to be alone that they, at times, jump from the frying pan to the fryer.  Patience is key.  Being alone doesn’t have to be the big ”fear” everyone makes it out to be.  It is important to have time to redefine yourself.  It is important to have time to rediscover what it is about you that makes you happy.  It is important to reflect on how you can grow from this situation.  You cannot do all of these very important things while at the same time jumping into a new relationship.  It doesn’t and won’t work.  Being alone and giving yourself your own undivided attention will build your self-esteem and self-worth.

TMF Readers, you cannot grow in the shade!  In order to be truly happy, we have to be able to acknowledge and find that WE, as individuals, can fulfill our own needs.  Hence, we can move on with our lives and become a better partner in our future relationships.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Stepparent Standards

Being a stepmom has been one of my greatest accomplishments.  It has also been one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever undertaken.  I say this not because I have a terrible stepkid that presses my nerves everytime she is with us, as a matter of fact, it’s exactly the opposite.  I have a fabulous stepdaughter with whom I feel I share a great bond.  Are there times when I know she doesn’t like what I have to say about a particular subject?  Sure.  Are there times where I am sure she has a slight attitude with me?  Probably.  However, for the most part, my life with my stepdaughter is great.  She is one of the most important people in my life.  She is my only daughter and I enjoy the time I share with her.  At the same time, however, my “stepmom” life has had it’s ups and downs mainly due to the fact that I had to retrain my brain on my standards by accepting and learning from my mistakes, and understanding my role. 

Think about this, approximately half of all Americans live in a step-family.  Therefore, every single day there are stepparents out there, just like you and me, who are undauntedly taking on the task of step-parenthood and this job is one of the most difficult jobs there is.  One of the main mistakes parents make when step-parenting is that they feel as if they have to be the “be all and do all” for their stepchildren.  We feel we have to stop everything just to accommodate everyone, including our own children, our spouse, the exes or the family pet for that matter, all of which usually goes unappreciated.  If you are guilty of this as I once was, STOP!  Know this, everyone ends up resenting the martyr.  Martyrs make people feel guilty and when guilt arises in any relationship, resentment builds.  Having this attitude is an unrealistic expectation that you are setting for yourself and essentially for those around you.

Another unrealistic expectation that some stepparents have is that their stepchild is going to, or should automatically like or love them; they will surely want to call you “mom” or “dad”  and that all of you will be one big happy, loving family.  This idea is totally unrealistic.  Eventually you might get there, but it takes understanding, effort, hard work, consistency, and most importantly, time.   Remember readers, stepchildren experience a wide variety of conflict when a divorce creeps into their lives.  They don’t need extra baggage.

Another issue I have seen with stepparents is they want so badly to be a “friend or confidant” with their stepchild that they go way too far.  For example, they turn the clock back and try to relate as if they were the same age, they withhold information from the child’s parents, they want to be on their level in order to gain acceptance.  You are a parent and it is your job to do just that — help to parent your stepchildren along with your husband and/or wife.  I tell my clients all of the time, a child has a child’s place and so does a parent. 

Lastly, I would like to impress upon you readers, and I know you have heard it all before, however it is worth rementioning.  Never, ever ever bad-mouth the ex in front of the children.  For example, don’t stand at the front door and mimic your husband/wife’s ex.  Don’t use pet names for him/her in front of the children and never fight with your husband or wife about the ex in front of the children.  This only adds fuel to an already grieving child.  Private feelings about the ex should only be discussed in just that — private with your spouse.  What this eventually causes with the child is resentment and coarse feelings for you and for your spouse.  This even holds true when your stepchild is badmouthing his or her parent and/or other stepparent.  Do not fall into the trap of agreeing with them.  If your stepchild brings you a valid concern, take it to his/her parent. 

As I always like to state, children live what they learn.  If they see us handling our situations with anger, back and forth drama, they will do just that.  Do not become a stepparent that expects gratitude, things will not always be “peachy keen,” but at the same time, remember, you are the grown-up and we need to handle our standards in that fashion. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

High Conflict Divorce Affects Everyone

The majority of the well-meaning advice that is offered to stepfamilies on the internet, by therapists, friends of the stepfamily and so on, is almost always directed toward the majority of stepfamilies that are not experiencing a high conflict divorce with an ex-spouse. And the reason I say the majority of stepfamilies that are not experiencing a high conflict divorce, is because dealing with a disgruntled ex-spouse and a high conflict divorce affects everyone; your spouse, your kids, your spouse’s kids and any kids you share together! When dealing with a narcissitic and/or abusive or troubled ex-spouse, absolutely no one is off limits to them. So as you can imagine, if you are the step parent in this type of stepfamily, hearing advice like; view your spouse’s ex-spouse as a person and experience the world through his or her eyes; try not to take it personally; remember you’re all working toward the same goal; or don’t get angry because it’s about the kids, it can literally tend to drive you up a wall.

The fact of the matter is that stepfamilies that deal with high conflict divorces don’t argue over things like showing up late for visitation pick up or whether or not to invite your spouse to the parent teacher conference. Instead, they argue over parental alienation - when one parent goes months or years without seeing his or her child; or, stalking the new spouse because the ex-spouse is completely obsessed with him or her. Furthermore, some exes are and have been abusive and although the marriage is over, still act this way when co-parenting with their former spouse and step parents. For people who have to co-parent with these types of individuals it would be difficult to look past all this and try to see them as human and reach out to them.

As a result, it’s pretty difficult for the people, including step parents, on the receiving end to hear things like; it’s inappropriate to get angry or maybe it would help if you just reached out to your husband or wife’s ex-spouse.  When in fact, it’s okay, therapeutic even, to get angry and no amount of “reaching out” is going to help an ex-spouse who is hell bent on being bitter and angry, due to their own issues. Don’t beat yourself up for losing it sometimes. I understand that while you knew you were marrying a man/woman with children, you certainly didn’t bargain for dealing with and being directly affected by their “wicked exes”. Below are some tips to help you preserve what little sanity you may have left.

1. Don’t beat yourself up for losing it (by losing it, I mean gettting frustrated, overwhelmed, or occasionally telling your spouse or their ex-spouse where they can shove it) sometimes. Just like everyone else will suggest about the ex-spouse you’re dealing with, you are only human.
2. Let it out if you need to. Don’t hold all of your emotions in. If you’re angry, sad, hurt, frustrated…call a supportive friend, tell your spouse, or call a therapist who has experienced with stepfamily issues.
3. Write! Writing is so therapeutic, even when it’s just for your eyes only. Get a journal and  start journaling how you feel on a regular basis. This will help to deter those explosive moments that erupt due to internalizing everything.
4. Start a blog. It’s a virtual way of journaling your journey (even if the posts are kept private) and you can meet tons of supportive people in similiar situations.
5. Be sure to get in tons of “me” time. Take a walk by yourself. Have dinner with a friend once per month or curl up with a good book from time to time.
6. Doesn’t it bother you[step parents] when you are affected by one or both of the parent’s irresponsible actions regarding their children and when you react, they want to spew the line – “It’s about the kids?”  ”It’s about the kids” is a line the kids’ parents need to pay close attention to as well, and if they have trouble keeping this in mind 100% of the time, it’s fair to assume that it might be a little bit difficult for you, too. So again, don’t beat yourself up for losing it sometimes!

Disclaimer: All of the examples mentioned in this post don’t necessarily reflect events that have happened in my life and they may not pertain to you. I wrote the post in response to the many step parents and ex-spouses that I’ve spoken with over the years who have experienced these types of issues. If they don’t pertain to you, consider yourself blessed (maybe your issues don’t seem that deep now), but do know that they do pertain to someone.

Former Basketball Wife, Tami Roman, Speaks Candidly About Life After Divorce

 When I first approached the newest cast member of VH1′s second season of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman, about doing an interview on Today’s Modern Family, I must say I wasn’t surprised by her humble response. “I would be honored to do an interview for you,” she said. By that one simple statement, I knew that Tami Roman was a very different person than what has been projected in the media and by what we see on the edited reality show. Tami is an extremely down to earth, very real chick who was eager and gracious enough to speak candidly with me about her journey from the Real World reality show to marriage to high profile professional basketball player, Kenny Anderson, to single mother on welfare and to finding love again.

Newest Star of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman

Marriage to and Divorce from Professional Basketball Player

When Tami met, fell in love with and eventually married Kenny Anderson, she thought it would be forever.  She got everything she had been hoping for when she was younger; a beautiful home, financial stability and a husband. She expressed how she soon began to lose sight of reality as her privileged lifestyle came with a certain status that she felt was now her norm. Although Tami seemingly had everything she had been hoping for since she was a child, she wasn’t prepared for what she didn’t get from her husband; respect, love, honor, integrity and commitment.

 Eventually, Kenny had multiple affairs that ultimately led to the demise of the marriage. But because she too came from a broken home and was raised without a father; she didn’t want that for Lyric and Jazz, the beautiful daughters that she shares with Kenny. As a result, she accepted the infidelity for as long as she did because of them.

After the divorce Tami expressed that things got really bad between her and Kenny and Tami admitted to not always making the best decisions regarding her daughters and their relationship with their father. She openly expressed that she did not know how to co-parent and feels as if her daughters suffered because of it.

“By the time Kenny and I got divorced, it was really, really bad. We couldn’t have a conversation for two minutes without yelling at each other, cursing each other or hanging up the phone,” she said.

Because Kenny has been so adamant about Tami keeping the girls away from him and has given that as his reason for lack of involvement; I asked Tami if she intentionally or maybe even subconsciously kept him away from the kids.

“Again, by the time we divorced it [our communication with each other] was really bad. Now we had to try to co-parent and make arrangements for my daughters, who were only 6 and 4 at the time, to see their dad. Kenny wanted me to put my 6 and 4 year old on a plane by themselves and fly them to wherever he was, and I wasn’t okay with that. So, in his mind, I was keeping the kids away from him. In my mind, I was just being a mother and looking out for my children. And so, we could never come to a happy medium,” Tami explained.

Moving forward Tami expressed how she wanted her daughters and Kenny to continue to develop some type of relationship. Although she’s grateful that they have began to do so, she is realistic and knows that it will take baby steps to eventually get to her desired outcome, and that is that Lyric and Jazz will truly know their father as a person and not just in name only.

The Downfall

During the first couple of episodes of Basketball Wives, Tami candidly spoke about going from wife of a professional basketball player to single mother on welfare. During our interview she went on to explain that although she did sign a prenuptial agreement prior to marrying Kenny, that basically said, “what you came with is what you’re leaving with,” that agreement did not apply to their daughters. Kenny did pay a large monthly sum of money for Lyric and Jazz post divorce, for a period of time.  However, she admitted that she did not make good financial decisions because she was trying to maintain the lifestyle that she had when she was married to their father; not understanding that the reality was that she was no longer married to their father. Tami described how she let a lot of people take control of her life and in turn, wasn’t making proper maternal decisions for her daughters.

“People would say things like, ‘you can’t live in that house, you need this house,’ or ‘your kids don’t need to be shopping at Target.’ And I allowed all of that to alter my perception of my real reality and that was that I was divorced and a single mother.”

 Tami tried to maintain a lifestyle that she admits she didn’t necessarily need and looked up one day and the funds were depleted. Roman holds herself accountable for her financial crisis and insists that she does not blame Kenny for it. She explained that if she had managed her finances the way she should have before Kenny stopped paying child support, there would not have been a downfall, but she didn’t and takes sole responsibility for it.

Basketball Wives

Tami expressed that she was actually approached by VH1 for the first season of Basketball Wives but turned it down because she had worked for 10 years trying to distance herself from the whole reality television genre. She had actually re-entered into corporate America as a financial analyst and would have rather done that than another reality show. However, as she prayed about her journey and what God wanted her to learn from it, she decided that it would be a great opportunity to be a living testimony. She explained how it took her moving through her storm to realize that Kenny was not to blame for everything that has happened to her, but she had to be accountable for her mistakes after their marriage. As a result, she thought that she could perhaps educate others who have experienced or are experiencing similar circumstances.

“I needed for men to see what happens when you’re not emotionally there for your children. I needed for women to see that when you’re in a situation and making money, it’s not about pushing the Louis Vuitton; it’s about investing and making the right choices for the future instead of solely living in that moment,” said Tami.

What’s Next for Tami

Currently, Tami Roman is definitely in love again and explained how the adversity that she has faced, has actually made her better for her current partner. When I asked about her current beau, I could hear the glow in Tami’s face which made the picture much more vivid. She and independent film maker, which she wishes to remain anonymous, have been going strong for 3 years now and are happy with the family they have created. Although they haven’t solidified any wedding plans just yet, they have talked about it.

“I am so in love and it’s definitely a beautiful place to be. After you have gone through something that’s not right, you can definitely recognize when it is right. Because we’ve both been married before, we didn’t think we needed to get married to validate our our love for each other, initially. However, as we have progressed in our relationship, we have talked about it,” said Roman.

Tami is still acting as well and jokingly said that Tyler Perry needs to hurry up and give her a call for a role in his next film. She is also working on a book about her life, which she hopes will give people an inside view as to who the real Tami is. In addition to all of that, Tami still finds time to give back and is working with a charity called Project Girl; a troop of spoken word artists who range from age 13 to 18, and go around to schools to mentor young girls through spoken word.

From publicly talking about her abortion on the Real World over 10 years ago, to candidly airing her co-parenting issues with ex-husband, Kenny Anderson, on VH1′s second season of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman displays an authenticity and vulnerability that makes her relatable, human and definitely someone you’d want to hang out with. She definitely makes the top of our superchick list!

Please be sure to catch Tami on the second season of Basketball Wives, Sundays at 8/7 Central on VH1.

Kick the Barnacle Syndrome to the Curb This Holiday Season

This is a repost by author, stepmom and all around awesome superchick, Wednesday Martin.

Many of you asked me to elaborate on the topic of “Barnacle Syndrome,” which I touched on briefly in a recent article for StepMom Magazine. Barnacle Syndrome may be especially acute during the holiday season, so here goes.

If you’re feeling like you just got “tacked on” to your husband’s life–that it’s all about the way he and his kids do it, that you have lost your connections to your traditions, your family, your strength your identity, your self–and are experiencing it especially over the holiday season, here’s what’s likely going on…and what you can do:

1. Feeling like a Barnacle means there is an imbalance of power in your marriage or partnership with a man with kids. Stepfamily and gender researcher Jamie Kelem Keshet writes about how women with stepchildren are more likely to be married to men who are older and more established; to move into his place “because it’s easier for the kids” or because it’s bigger; to move away from their families of origin/relocate to be with their husbands (who sometimes move to be closer to their kids); and, if they are themselves childless, to feel special pressure to take on a “maternal” role with his kids. I’m personally a poster-child for Barnacle Syndrome. When we married, my husband was seven years older, much more established, living with his adolescent daughter. I was younger, single, more mobile. I lived hundreds and hundreds of miles from my family of origin, was less established in my career, had no kids of my own. And so it only made sense for me to sell my car and most of my stuff and move in with him. And become a mother-like figure to his daughter. Right?

Holy inequalities, Batman, what a recipe for potential disaster! I remember looking around “our” house one day and realizing my contribution was a couple of throw pillows and a lamp. Meanwhile, my husband’s daughter already had a perfectly good mother and didn’t need another one, thank you very much. She was also an adolescent and like all healthy adolescents, felt the need to separate and differentiate far more acutely than the desire to have another quasi-parental figure in her life. My feeling of losing myself and my past and my very identity, and feeling overwhelmed by a role I didn’t even understand, came to a head as our first Christmas together approached, and my husband informed me that his plan for Christmas day was to spend it driving six hours round-trip to pick up his daughters from their mother’s place, “Since that’s what I’ve always done.” Cue tape of confused, frustrated wife and stepmother going postal (my husband, to his credit, listened to me and realized this was not an auspicious way to begin our annual Christmas tradition as a couple. He opened up his mind, and we made a plan that worked for both of us, and for our marriage).

Feeling and being “tacked on” like a barnacle to your husband’s previous life is common–but it’s not a normal, inevitable, or natural state of affairs. It’s a sign that you and your partner need to reset the balance, and get to a place where you feel like and are true partners, equals in the household and the relationship.

2. If you’re feeling like a barnacle or outsider, make a priority to change that, and do it stat, since power imbalances create resentment. In fact, you might say that the road to divorce is paved with power imbalances! Whether it’s an unequal distribution of household work, a sense that his kids have more say than you do in the family, or a feeling that you are living in a “haunted house” since you moved into his place, Barnacle Syndrome is a sign that you and your spouse have work to do. It’s not the end of the world. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. Once you give this feeling of imbalance and being on the outside a name, you are in a much better position to address it!

3. You might need help from a professional when dealing with the charged topic of feeling like a barnacle or outsider in your own home. Until you and your partner get there, though, there is plenty you can do. Let your partner know–without a trace of anger or resentment in your voice (I know, it’s hard, but let’s be strategic here!)–that you want this holiday to feel balanced, festive, and comfortable for everyone. To that end, let him know you’d like to have your own family, your own friends, anyone who helps you feel supported and understood, around a lot this holiday season. Avoid situations where it’s just you, him, and his kids. Not only because you will feel better, but because the research shows that often, when stepparents, parents, and step/kids all come together without others around, it activates everyone’s anxiety about being an outsider. His kids of all ages will likely feel relieved if your friends and family are there to make things a little more interesting, and cut down on the sense that you’re all trying to feel like a “real family,” whatever that means. With that pressure off, you might find that his kids are open to some one-on-one time with you (stepfamily members also bond well one-on-one).

4. In addition to bulwarking yourself with supportive friends and family during the holiday time, consider doing less. If his kids are in a loyalty bind, the less you do on their behalf, the less they will have to feel indebted to and ambivalent about you. Rather than being a martyr who bends over backwards to cook all their favorite foods, for example, set the bar at being welcoming and appropriately open to interactions with them, based on their cues. It can make the difference between feeling depleted and drained and enjoying the holiday.

5. Finally, remember to get out. We’re so stuck in the “first family head” when we think about what’s best for stepfamilies. Guess what? Experts agree that stepmothers especially need time away from their husbands and stepkids when they’re around. It helps us rejuvenate and reset, and prevents stepmaternal burnout. In addition, you will seem like less of a “Dad hog” if you let the kids of any age have alone time with their father while you’re out doing something you really enjoy.

Wednesday Martin is the author of the highly recommended and surprisingly honest book, Stepmonster. In it, she tells the truth about being a stepmom, backed by solid research and personal experiences. Wednesday Martin has worked as writer and social researcher in New York City for almost two decades. She has been a stepmother for nine years and lives in New York City with her husband and their two sons. Please visit www.wednesdaymartin.com to learn more.

Settling the Score!

When struggling with issues that involve members of your blended family, you will be presented with opportune moments to ”clear the air” and ”settle” things that have caused confusion and misunderstanding.  However, for a lot of us, instead of trying to avoid conflict, we have to be right all of the time in order to save face.

Most of us feel like we should be able to handle whatever life throws at us and we beat ourselves up when we don’t accomplish that goal.  When issues arise, we feel that in order to hide our inability to solve the problem, we decide to take the approach that we are right and the other person has to be wrong. As a result, we leave ourselves no room for negotiation or even to hear what the other person thinks or feels.  That, in turn, causes resentment with the other party and leaves your relationship scarred.  When resentment builds in any relationship, settling the score and our own thoughtlessness means more to us than our families being healthy, strong and fully thriving.

The truth is, when feeling like we need to settle the score instead of promoting the opposite, we need to realize that blended family problems can be taxing and stressful.  We all lose our way from time to time.  We all harbor feelings at times that have the potential to build resentment and make us feel like we need to settle the score; whether that be with our stepchildren or the ex-husband or ex-wife.   When this happens, we need to be able to look at another perspective.  Here are a few tips that might help:

• Guide yourself toward focusing on solutions not problems.
• Gain perspective on the current situation and don’t pull in old issues.
• See possibilities while at the same time not ruling out change.
• Look for positive ways to deal with negative feelings.
• Tap into your strengths as an individual, parent and step-parent to turn negative situation into positive solutions.

Remember, through divorce, blended families eventually evolve.  Families are forever even though they change.  When challenges arise, how you handle those changes is what makes the difference between finding solutions or settling the score.  Make it your mantra to focus only on what you can change about you as opposed to what you think someone else should change about themselves.  Lastly,  if you don’t get anything out of this post, think about this:  “the quality of your blended family experience doesn’t have to be overshadowed by negativity.“  You may feel like your issues are unchartered territory, but you can successfully navigate through without making score settling  your main priority.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Step-Mom’s Guide To A Stress-Free Holiday Season

Never fear….Holiday stress and anxiety is here! As the holidays quickly approach, some of you stepmoms may be feeling  stress not just over the usual holiday cooking and baking rituals, shopping, gift-giving, etc., but also over issues that usually come along within the blended family during the holidays. Coordinating schedules, decorating, colliding traditions, step-sibling rivalry and separation anxiety that some children feel having to be away from one bio parent or the other during the holidays can make an already stressful season even more stressful.  At times, this can cause stress within your direct unit because your spouse may also get bent around the axle in dealing with these same issues.

During the holidays some of you may feel like crawling into a hole because of the chaos even though it is supposed to be the happiest time of the year.  Stepmoms especially have to remember to try to adopt stress-free holiday strategies not just to avoid that stress and chaos, but to enjoy this special time with family.  Here are a few stress buster ideas for you step-moms:

Create Your Own Traditions and Keep Some Old One’s Too.  As we know as stepmothers, we are often looked past during special occasions.  Sometimes we even feel like we are outsiders at certain family events.  I say, create your own traditions.  Make your own memories.  Trying to live up to all of the old traditions your step kids may have had before you were in the picture will only make you feel more lonely and uncomfortable.  However, totally eliminating them altogether is equivalent to throwing out all that is familiar to your step-children.

You Won’t Please Everyone.  This is an impossible task and not worth the effort during the holidays or any other time.  Trying to do this will only stack the stress higher.

Create a Checklist.  Pre-planning is essential in order to stay sane during the holiday season, especially if you are charged with hosting one of the important events such as Christmas Eve dinner.  Creating and using your checklist will alleviate stress and allow you to be more accommodating.  I do know from the clients I have personally coached, that the one real stress factor on children during the holidays is where they will spend Christmas.  Encourage your spouse to pre-plan ahead with his ex-spouse.  Encouragement, however, doesn’t mean taking on that particular issue yourself.  Let the bio-parents work it out.

Have Realistic Expectations.  If you are a new to the blended family, I’ll be honest, there will be disappointments during the holidays.  However, the unexpected also brings the expected as well,  happiness, joy and cheer.  Accept that things won’t be perfect and don’t overdo yourself.  This in and of itself will lessen your load and allow you to strive for grace and will alleviate stress.

Every woman who has the grand opportunity to be a stepmother knows that being a stepmom is not for the faint of heart, can be one of the most challenging opportunities you will face and can be an even harder job than being a mother.  However, for me, it has been one of the best things that has ever happened in my life and has been and will continue to be a journey that I would gladly do over again.  The holidays can be a huge adjustment for us stepmoms, but we can do it with grace, joy and a little eggnog!

Have a Happy Holiday Season,
Di

The Only Child

Thirteen years ago I had a beautiful baby boy! His father and I were overjoyed. He was perfect; so perfect that I decided that I didn’t want or need anymore children. I was perfectly fine with him being my only child. I had a rough pregnancy and his father worked out of the country for most of the year. Children, if you are a full-time parent, require 100% of your time and one was all I could take. Even when the relationship with his dad didn’t work out, I still vowed that my son would be the only child. People would always say things like, “Won’t you want one with your husband when you get married?” Or, they would wonder what would happen to my son when his parents died. Who would be his support system? Who would he visit during the holidays, etc.?  I have to admit that those last questions got to me. The one future thing I was definitely worried about was him being alone! I wanted him to have brothers and sisters, but I just didn’t want to be the one to have them. 

When his dad got married and was expecting a child soon after, I was happy for my son. Finally, after 5 years of being an only child, he would be a big brother. It took some time for him to get used to the idea, but 8 years later, they both adore each other. I could finally have some peace with this now because I knew that my son and his brother would always be there for each other; I would make sure of it by supporting and encouraging their relationship whole heartedly. There’s nothing like a bond between brothers and I was so happy that my son would finally experience it.

It turns out that my son’s younger brother wouldn’t be the only addition to the family. Last year, his stepmother informed us that she was expecting a baby girl and gave birth to her in November. My son was elated! It’s so cute to see how he speaks of his only sister. Already, he is so protective and talks about the things he is going to do with her when he starts driving. This little girl is definitely going to get the blues from her two older brothers when she gets older. LOL!

And we’re still not done folks because last September, after vowing to never have another, not trying to and being told by doctors that I probably wouldn’t get pregnant again, my husband and I were surprised to hear that we too were expecting. I gave birth to my son’s youngest sibling, a beautiful baby boy, in March of this year. The six months of bedrest, including hospital bedrest, constant vomitting and fatigue, was all worth the daily opportunity that I get to see my two boys interact. My oldest is so gentle, loving and caring with his baby brother, and my baby boy absolutely adores his older brother. His face lights up every time he walks in the room or hears his voice. It is the cutest thing.

Today, I am no longer worried about either one of my sons when their parents leave this Earth because I know that they will always have each other. Not only that, they will also have my oldest son’s brother and sister. My son often talks about the things that all of them will do together in the future. He loves being an older brother. It’s the reason why I encourage and support sibling relationships in the stepfamily. A wonderful aunt, close cousin or a bestfriend cannot compare to a relationship that, if nurtured and supported, you can have with your sibling.  And so, my oldest son went from being the only child to the oldest of 4, and I couldn’t be happier – for him.

How important is it for you to support and encourage the sibling relationships in your stepfamily?

From the Frying Pan to the Fryer!

There is no way around it.  The divorce rate for remarriages is 60 percent, compared to 50 percent for first marriages.  The majority of which fall apart within two or three years of the wedding, leaving an estimated half-million children to cope with yet another split-up.  Those statistics simply take my breath away.  Even with these stunning statistics people still seem to think that building a stepfamily is just as easy, or should be anyway, as building a nuclear family.

Unfortunately, in new stepfamilies, many folks are in denial about the fact that stepfamilies just don’t and can’t work like a nuclear family.  When problems arise, they decide to ignore them and go on as if those issues don’t exist; doing their best to avoid potential pitfalls that they feel will put strain on their remarriages.  Why is this?  Let’s face it, most couples remarry before they are emotionally ready.  Some do it out of what I call the “rebound effect,” and others simply don’t want to be alone after divorce.  Instead of giving themselves an ample amount of time after their divorce to heal mentally, physically (because divorce can take a physical toll) and emotionally, they choose to jump right from the frying pan and into the fire!

One saying that I love to refer to with my clients when we are discussing stepfamily issues they are and/or have been experiencing is this…”the best time to work out issues that you are experiencing is BEFORE you say I DO, not AFTER.”  I say this because most issues within a stepfamily don’t just magically decide to present themselves after the wedding ceremony.  More than likely, they are present before, during and after the couple says “I Do.”

Each spouse coming into a remarriage, and the children as well, are going to have different perspectives on how their roles should be perceived and how they should work going into it.  As such, each individual is also going to have their own separate expectations as well.  All of which can collide and cause chaos within the unit if not properly discussed and resolved ahead of time.  Granted, you aren’t going to discuss every potential family issue that may arise but the obvious issues can be discussed and quite frankly should be.  For example:  discipline, structure, rules, respect, etc.  Pre-marital counseling or coaching with an experienced stepfamily coach also can help a great deal in understanding the different dynamics that go into a stepfamily and also allows you to prepare yourself with the necessary skill set that it takes to have a satisfying stepfamily experience.

Remember, remarriages can be great marriages.  However, with all of the complexities involved it can become hard to avoid the pitfalls that couples experience due to the stress of forging new relationships within the unit (i.e., stepchildren, ex-spouses, etc.).  It actually can become overwhelming because we, as humans, tend to not learn from our prior mistakes and we repeat them.  If we choose to first heal from the past, examine and unpack our “baggage” and take the lessons that we learned from our prior marriage and turn them into stepping stones for a new, healthy and meaningful relationship, we can then no longer worry about jumping from the frying pan to the fryer!

Lastly readers, it is a proven statistic that in remarriages that it sometimes takes more than 7 years for a stepfamily to really meld together.  So, your real honeymoon period may not start for a long time.  It is very hard to balance the needs and feelings of everyone at the same time, but I promise you, when you get to that honeymoon period, it will be well worth the wait!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Reframing and Redirecting Our Emotions

If you are new to the uprising blended family phenomenon, what may seem like a colossal event really may just be a common blended family problem that can be combated with a little time, understanding and effort by all parties involved.   As we all know, marriage is tough.  Remarriage is even harder.  Stir in a couple kids from one or both sides and you have a whole new set of dynamics.  However, just like the art of baking, if you get your measurements down to science, you can come out with a great pastry.  The same holds true with the blended family.  As soon as you learn to (a) put your marriage first, (2) reframe and redirect your emotions and your reactions to certain situations, and (3) decide commit to not allowing discord to seep into your marriage, your blended family then becomes strong and life-giving. 

How do you start?  In my experience, it began with the choices I was making.  When you choose to look at your situation from a view of discord and discontent, then you will get just that — discord and discontent.   Choosing to reframe my discord with commitment in the face of a desire to run away when a problem arose was the first step.  Remember, the picture you are facing is still the same, you are just “choosing” to reframe the way you look at it.  It also helps to be understanding.  Everyone craves to be understood within the unit. 

For example, say your stepson or stepdaughter is jealous of the time you get to spend with his/her dad or mom and has vocalized that to you on many occasions.  You have tried everything to make him/her understand that you are not trying to steal his or her parent.  Instead of working overtime to prove to a child, or teenager for that matter, that their parent matters to you, reframe it it for for yourself.  Get to a place where you don’t expect that to annoy you anymore.  Stop fighting that fight.  Let your step-child know, unequivocally, that you are there for them if they need you, but you are not going to concentrate on those types of negative situations.  Consistently find the good in the situation and express the same.   By doing this, you are setting the example of redirecting emotions in a positive direction.  Your stepchildren will eventually follow suit. 

Let’s be honest, I know that feelings and emotions sometimes can get the better of us.  But, if we acknowledge the importance of maintaining healthy relationships with our blended family members, everyone involved will be more eager to do the same.  Accepting that sometimes we may simply be over dramatising an issue or situation will help us release, reframe and redirect our emotions to a better place.  All of which benefits the blended family as a whole.  Here are a few tips to help:

• Form new reactions to issues.  Analyze what upsets you the most about a particular situation and determine a better more desirable reaction to use the next time.
• Try using relaxation techniques. 
• Let go of your anger.  Remember, misdirected anger can actually make the situation worse.  Make sure before you approach a situation that you are clear about what you are really upset about.
• Don’t fall into a “default” mode of sensitive emotion when you are just tired, not feeling well, etc.   At times, we can allow our previous “moods” to affect how we handle a current issue.
• Get in touch with your emotions.  For example, if I happen to wake up very edgy or anxious about something, I feel precarious all day.  I have to hit rewind and start over.  Remember, emotions can lead you down the wrong path when issues arise.  REFRAME!

TMF Readers, don’t get in an emotional rut with your blended family common problems.  Visualize positive futures for yourself and your blended family.  Use your power of choice to make choices that will lead you toward living your ”happily ever after.“

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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