Terrible Couple — Amazing Co-Parents?

We all know the statistics.  Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce and more than 60% of all remarriages do the same.  We all assume our marriages start off on the right foot then over time, for whatever reason, the issues consume us and eventually sink our marriages.  Further, most couples end up in divorce court because they wait until it is too late to get the help they need in order to save it.  The feelings of resentment creep in and the couple becomes detached from one another. Unfortunately, during this time, the silent partners in the relationship, the children, suffer the most.  With that being said, there still is hope.  I know many divorced couples that are able to put their pe rsonal feelings and resentments aside for the betterment of their children and have become amazing co-parents.

When talking to my clients who are experiencing co-parent issues, the first piece of advice I like to give them is that they need to look at their situation through the eyes and perspective of their children.  Children look to their parents for their stability and support both physically and emotionally.  If you two are a mess, they will be more than a mess.  You can be great co-parents as long as you develop a good business relationship aside from your divorce.  That seems odd for most people to hear.  A business relationship?  Yes, raising healthy and stable children is meticulous.  Remember, your past marriage and your current parenting take different skill sets.  Therefore, after divorce, your feelings about your marriage need to be put aside.  Like in business, in healthy and effective co-parenting, there has to be strong commitment.  Most of you will say, ”well that’s easy….they’re my children, of course I will be committed.”  Well, I am here to tell you that when divorce is fresh, new and you are still hurting, a lot of times, that commitment to healthy co-parenting is the last thing on some folks’ mind.  I find it amazing that when a couple is married they agree on how they are going to parent their children ”together” but when divorce creeps in, they ultimately decide that must change and their parenting has to become a battle.  Seriously TMF readers, I have seen it on many occasions and most parents are in denial about it.  I’ll give you the following examples of same:

• Ignoring phone calls or messages when the child is in your custody.
• Common courtesy calls no longer exist (i.e., when the child is sick in your custody, you don’t inform the other parent).
• Disparagement of the other parent occurs when the children are present.
• Notice is not given about parent/teacher conferences or events until the last minute and the other parent is not able to attend or is not notified at all.
• Use your children to relay messages to the other parent.
• Discipline that one parent instituted is disregarded when the child is in your possession.

Friends, there is no rule that states that after divorce you can’t get along with your ex spouse, especially in order to co-parent your children.  Being able to co-parent effectively lessens the chance that your children will be caught in the cross-fire because of unresolved issues.  This is where I say your co-parenting relationship has to become a business relationship.  The children you created together deserve to watch you and learn and have stability.  If parents are able to realize that it’s okay to see past their own feelings in order to accomplish this for their children, they will be on their way to becoming amazing co-parents.  Remember, you  both have things to teach your children and you have to “love” your children more than you “hate or dislike” each other during the process.  Here are a few tips to get you on your way:

• Back one another up on decisions.  If your ex has disciplined your child and your weekend or Spring break has come up, stick with the instituted discipline.  If you falter on this issue, your children will always know they can play two ends to the middle.
• Major decisions regarding your children should always be made by both parents.
• Respect, respect, respect.  DEMAND IT for both parents.
• Communication is critical.
• Our children’s feelings come first before ours.
• Don’t sweat the small stuff.  You and your ex are different.  Neither of you may not always understand the others reasoning for things.  Try not to sweat the small stuff.  Most of the time, it’s not worth an argument.
• No parent-playing allowed.  Children are good at getting one parent or the other to “side” with them.  Communication is key with this issue.  Parents have to talk.  All children play their parents from time-to-time and when they are teens, it usually gets worse.  Your children should know that you trust the parenting skills of the other parent at all times.  This alleviates this issue 90% of the time.
• Keep the grown up issues between the two grown ups.  Speaking in an ill manner in front of your children will only create insecure children.  Don’t disparage.  It’s not worth the damage it causes.  Remember, your children are part of the other parent just as they are a part of you.  When you disparage, they take that as an insult to them, whether they show it or not.  They love both of you.
• Encourage each other.  Yes, not only is it possible, it is healthy for your children.  When the both of you are trying hard to co-parent effectively, appreciate one anothers efforts.

TMF readers, your children are watching you.  I cannot stress this enough.  Keeping your focus on your children after divorce sometimes means you have to be the bigger person when conflict arises.  By being able to co-parent effectively, you are not just showing your children that their mental, physical and emotional health means the world to you but you are teaching them how to handle conflict themselves which will serve them well in the future.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

I Have Cancer? The Journey of a New Mother and Her Mesothelioma Diagnosis

This article was first published by Heather Von St. James. To follow her journey and read more insightful articles, check out her blog here.

August 4th, 2005, 3:00 a.m. I sat up to get out of bed to walk around after a couple of hours of fitful sleep. We had already gone to the hospital earlier that day thinking THIS IS IT! SHE IS ON HER WAY!! Sadly, my contractions stopped once we got there and we were sent back home. As I stood up from the bed that night, all of the sudden, I felt a “pop” and a “whoosh”! My water broke! This was it! I yelled out to my husband, Cameron to hurry because our baby was coming.

Once we finally arrived at the hospital things began to move quickly. They checked me to make sure everything was okay and to make sure Lily was in the right position for delivery. Unfortunately, it was determined that she was frank breech. Delivering a baby who is a frank breech is extremely dangerous, not only for the child, but for the mother as well. Due to this, I was immediately scheduled to have cesarean section. I remember saying in my happy, but drugged up stupor that I was glad because now I knew our baby would have a nice round head. This is how I think when I hear bad news. I have to remember that things could be much worse. I always find the bright side no matter what the situation may be! Lily Rose came into the world at 5:18 a.m. Out she came squawking like crazy, letting us know that she was here, and, dammit we would know it.

Lily was pink, chubby, and yes, her head was round. They let Cameron hold her, while I stroked her little, downy head. After I saw and touched my baby for the first time they took her to the nursery, in order to finish my surgery. Everything went wonderfully. I was the proud parent to a beautiful baby girl. I healed well from the c-section, Lily took to nursing like a pro, and 4 days later we were sent home. At the time I was told I was a little anemic, but to eat some protein and all would be well. I had no idea that anemia was one symptom to my fate.

The first few weeks of parenthood flew by. I was getting used to having a baby around the house. I healed from surgery and was left to figuring out all the snaps of baby clothes in the middle of the night. All things considered, I was learning and living like any other new parent. However, I did this with even less sleep than most new moms. I spent many nights sleeping in the recliner with Lily, both of us falling asleep as I nursed her. I was exhausted, but what new parent isn’t? Before I knew it maternity leave was up and I had to go back to work.

I worked full-time behind the chair of the salon I was partial owner of and managed. Most people get 12 weeks off for maternity leave. However, not in my industry, I took 4 weeks off, yes only 4. I had a full book of clients waiting for me and although I only worked part time the first month, it was still challenging.

The great thing about working and breast-feeding was I started losing weight. Not only was I losing weight, I was shedding the baby pounds fast. Actually, I was dropping a couple of pounds a week. I was not a small girl when I got pregnant; I am 5’10″ and weighed 225 pounds when I delivered Lily. During my pregnancy I only gained 5 pounds. Looking back I should have known that that was not normal!

At any rate, the doctor chalked up my weight loss to healthy eating. My doctor was not concerned, so naturally neither was I. My weight continued to literally fall off over the next few weeks, but instead of feeling better, I felt progressively worse. I had no energy, I was short of breath, and I had a low grade fever every night. In addition to these symptoms I was rather pale. I just continued to blame all of this on being a new mom.

Read the entire article here.

They’re Back….Easing Back Into the School Year!

Making the transition back into the new school year after a long, lazy summer isn’t always easy.  Oprah.com had some great tips that I couldn’t pass up so I wanted to share them with our readers.  The following tips will make you and your child’s transition much easier:

1. Reconnect with Old Friends:  In the midst of summer camps and family vacations, it’s not unusual for kids to lose touch with their school friends. A couple of weeks before the new year starts, try to arrange a play date or two with these friends (maybe even some new classmates, if you know who will be in your child’s class). Feeling connected to their school friends can help alleviate some social concerns that your children might have about the new year.
2. Create a New School Year Tradition.  Believe it or not, creating an annual end-of-summer tradition can actually help kids feel excited about the new school year. Try hosting a last-night-of-summer barbecue, a neighborhood talent show or an intimate family game night.
3. Start an Achievement Tree.  This quick summer art project will serve an important purpose all year long! Draw a tree with numerous brown branches on poster board, and create a handful of “leaves” on strips of green paper. Each time your child accomplishes something she’s proud of—such as a successful day at band practice or a solution to a tricky geometry problem—she can record it on a leaf and tape it to the tree. By the end of the school year, she will have created a full, lush tree!
4. Talk to Your Kids About Their Worries.  Each child has her own source of back-to-school butterflies. While one child might be most worried about fitting in and making friends, another might be anxious about taking on the challenges of a new grade. Find out exactly what your child is nervous about and don’t dismiss her concerns by saying something like, “Don’t worry” and “You’ll be fine.” Instead, help her think through how she can overcome what’s worrying her, and make sure she knows that you, her teacher and the school counselor will be there to help.
5. Prepare for Good Mornings.  A few days before the first day of school, start talking with your kids about what their morning routines will look like. Young kids may have fun drawing pictures of each step of their morning schedules, while older students can benefit from creating “responsibility charts” that will help them sail smoothly through their daily routines. Also, practicing things like laying out clothes and packing lunches a day or two beforehand can help make the first early morning a smooth one.
6. Reset Your Body Clocks.  Many families enjoy relaxed bedtimes and sleeping in during the summer, so it’s unrealistic to expect your kids to immediately adapt to early morning wake-up calls. At least a week before school starts, go back to your school year bedtime and wake-up time. This can help you avoid having a groggy, cranky or confused child on the first day of class.
7. Create a Launch Pad.  To smooth out mornings, create a “launch pad” (out of blue painter’s tape) near the front door. As part of your bedtime routine, have kids put everything they need for the next day in the launch pad—packed backpacks, the right shoes, appropriate foul-weather gear, etc. When it’s time to leave, just have kids empty out the launch pad and hit the road!
8. Set Up for Safety.  Whether they’re walking, riding their bikes, being driven or taking the bus, take time to talk to your children about how they will get to and from school this year. Practice the trip a few times before the first day to make sure they’re prepared for safe travels.
9. Put on a Happy Face!  Parents experience their own set of emotions when the summer ends. You may feel sad about your children getting older, anxious about their new class or worried about how they’re reacting to the new year. To the best of your ability, try to exude confidence and good feelings when talking to your child about school or saying goodbye on the first day. Seeing Mom upset can put a damper on a child’s first-day enthusiasm.
10. Make the First Day a Great Day.  Spend time thinking through the first day from beginning to end. Make sure your children have all the supplies they need, and try to encourage them to eat good breakfasts (which may not be easy if there are too many butterflies in their tummies!). Arrive early to school to give your child a chance to remember where everything is and to see their new classroom. When it’s time to leave, don’t linger. Just look your children in the eyes, give them big hugs and send them on their way to a great school year!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

This article can be read in its entirety at www.oprah.com

Are You Co-Dependent on Your Kids?

There are situations in life where it becomes inevitable that as parents we make mistakes.  One of the mistakes I made as a young, widowed mother was relying entirely too much on my oldest son during our time of grief.  Granted, I had a lot going on at the time, including pregnancy,  but I admit, I let my focus go as a parent.  I allowed my emotions at the time to control my actions.  Those emotions took many forms and needless to say, I relied too much on my son for my own happiness which in turn blurred the line between dependence and independence for him as he got older and co-dependence for me.

During and after divorce, many times both parents are so emotionally hung up on trying to re-evaluate their own lives that they feel it is okay to involve their children in every single aspect of their beings.  For example, some parents guilty parent so exceedingly that they actually allow their children to become “spouse-like.”  What do I mean by that you might ask?  They base all of their decisions around what their children think, they ask their children for advice, they lean on their children for sympathy, they communicate with their children as if they are their best friends.  Parents allow their own happiness to rely totally on the happiness of their children.  When this occurs, this is a complete no-win situation for your child. 

When going through our own emotions as parents, it is extremely important to show our children that even though circumstances happen in life that cause heartache, pain, grief or disappointment, that their presence in our lives alone makes us happy.  Therefore, we are not unintentionally making them feel responsible to “fix” things for us.  If we don’t make that clear, they will inevitably feel responsible for our happiness.  They will feel that it is their responsibility to be our listening ear and that it is normal for them to fill the “void” that you are missing.  Remember, your children are just that, your children….not your surrogate mate.

TMF Readers, if you don’t remember anything at all about us here at Today’s Modern Family, remember that what we write about, we have almost always lived through.  I felt the need to write this post on my heart because during the time that I was personally experiencing this type of dependence, I was really not doing what was in my childrens’ best interest.  In order for me to stop being a codependent parent, I had to get a life for myself. 

Your life does not have to revolve around your children.  Value yourself enough to give yourself your own time to do some of the things that make you happy and what makes you relax and renew.  Find time to pursue your dreams and goals.  Even after something as hard as divorce is to get through, being able to focus on the bigger picture and what might lie ahead for you if you are willing to put in the work to forge ahead will be of great benefit to you.  Make time for yourself. 

Instead of teaching your children the art of codependency, teach them that it’s okay to have strengths and weaknesses.  It’s okay to learn from your mistakes and to deal with them on your own for the greater good.  Life is full of negatives.  Don’t worry them with your problems and your circumstances.  If you want to do anything for your children, turn your codependency into freedom for them.  Let them make their own choices about their absent parent without your feelings being at stake.  They need your security, they look to you for their protection.  They can’t protect us nor should they carry that burden.  

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

4 Tips for Transitioning Through the Identity Shift Being a New Parent Brings

Who I thought myself to be all changed the moment I first held my 5 pound, 13 ounce baby in my arms and felt the warmth of her skin against mine. In those first few moments no longer was I a compilation of all the labels I had previously given myself. Now, I was simply “A Mother”—and in my eyes, being a mother was the only label that mattered.

 As one day merged with the next, my newfound sense of joy, unconditional love, and enormous inner strength that came with motherhood also brought to me a healthy dose of discomfort and disruption to my everyday life and fundamental core of identity.

 Instead of being the confident and assured mother that I had imagined, I found myself wallowing in self-doubt and obscurity more than I wanted to admit.

 In those first few months I wondered what had happened to those early days of bliss when everything made so much sense? Mostly, I wondered when my world would return to normal.

 But it never did…

 Now, 10 months into mommy-hood I am still adjusting to life as a new mom and life as the primary caregiver to my rambunctious daughter, Jaida. However, one of the things I’ve learned is that transitioning means more than just learning to function with sleep deprivation or exhaustion.

It means completely opening myself up to the tremendous amount of growth that lies before me.

 By quickly adapting to a whole new sense of self, personal identity, expectations, and new relationships—as well as passions—I’m able to thrive (in my own sense of the word) in this new world. And to me, that’s what being a “modern mama” is all about.

 Here are 4 things I’ve learned to help me stay in harmony with myself and the world around me:

 1. Define For Yourself What Being a “Good Parent” Means

So many of us struggle with answering this question and quite frankly, I still do… On a daily basis… And even more so when I am out with other people.

 Raising children is a huge responsibility. We all want what’s best for our kids, but what’s good for one child may not work for another. A huge example of this is the common debate over how long a child should be allowed to breast-feed, and how long they should remain in diapers. For many of my mama friends, being in diapers until 3 (or so) is perfectly fine, while breast-feeding until the same age is “just wrong.”

 I hold different opinions on the matter, but ultimately what it comes down to is individually determining for ourselves what is best for our children while at the same time refraining from unfairly judging others for making different decisions.

 2. Create a Plan that Allows for Flexibility

Being a good parent requires a healthy dose of both planning and allowing. Even though things seldom go as planned, having one—even a crude one—sure helps move things along.

 The allowing part is there to simply give ourselves permission to be okay when life intervenes (as is always does) and rearranges our plans. What’s most important is allowing ourselves, and our ability to meet our own expectations, to be a work in progress.

 3. Make the Best Use of Your Time

Doing so changes on a daily basis for me. When my daughter was younger, making the best use of my time meant sleeping when she slept. Now that she’s a bit older and her sleeping patterns have changed, I now make good use of my time in an assortment of different ways: like connecting with friends on Facebook, catching up on emails, eating a meal, writing, reading eBooks, and staying on top of household chores.

 As a side note, one of the things I have quickly come to the realization of is that no matter how much cooking, cleaning, laundry, organizing, (insert task here) I get done, there will always at least 10 other things I could have done instead.

 It’s a never-ending cycle. Therefore, my advice is to do your best. You know what needs your immediate attention, what can wait until later, and what can just keep waiting. The most important thing to remember here while your going through your transition is to… (read next tip

 4. Give Yourself Time to Recharge

As much as I believe in providing my child with love, encouragement, and togetherness through routines, I also know the power in taking time as a parent to recharge. As wonderful as it sounds, it isn’t always an easy task for me to hand Jaida off to my husband when he gets home from work because sometimes I feel downright guilty doing so.

 However, my husband and I established early on that the best way for us to survive parenthood and keep up with our individual passions was to team-up while encouraging and supporting each other.

 So, when my husband gets home from work, I support him by watching Jaida while he goes to the gym. After his workout and shower, he supports me by taking over caring for our daughter.  This gives me an hour or so (before it’s time to start preparing her for bed) to focus on my passions—like writing for my blog, catching up on reading, and sometimes taking a little nap—while allowing my husband to spend one-on-one quality time with our daughter.

 Of course things don’t always go as planned, but at least one has been set into place for when they do.

 Tips to Grow By

Embracing the simple fact that life will never (ever) be the same as it once was is what parenthood is all about. By surrendering old ways of thinking and creating new patterns of action, we are better equipped to take on the responsibilities being new parents brings.

About Aisha Quinece:

“How am I making the world a better place?” is a question I ask myself almost on a daily basis. As a wife, mother, designer, writer, and teacher, actively enriching the lives of others is a responsibility that I take seriously. Supplying you with practical ways to “Create Your Life” is what my blog, www.AishaQuinece.com, is all about. So, check it out, visit me on Facebook, follow me Twitter, and get started creating your life today!

Love the ladies at The Glow

Ok, I found a new love and it combines 3 of my passions; beautiful photographs, telling a story and celebrating modern mamahood! I’m officially in love with www.theglow.com.

In their own words, The Glow is a glimpse into the world of inspiring and fashionable moms. There you’ll find their styling ideas, go-to gear, multitasking secrets, and enviable decor.

What I love about these jet-setting moms (which is what, in my opinion, makes them modern mamas) is witnessing the sweet moments they share with their kids in these beautiful photographs taken by Kelly Stuart of http://www.kellystuartphoto.com/. They are candid about their experiences with motherhood; from sleepless nights to finding balance between being a wife and mother while not losing themselves. Check out a few of the photos below and be sure to visit http://www.theglow.com/.

It IS possible to be wife, mother/stepmother AND not lose yourself in the process! It is the essence of modern mamahood – take notes!

"Take naps whenever you can, drink enough water and accept that you look tired" (and that's not necessarily a bad thing). ~Ana Lerario-Geller and daugther Luna

When you have a kid, at the end of the day, you want that little special feeling for yourself. The bed represents that for me." Meredith Kahn and daughter Grayson

"Because I started my own company, I said to myself, there are things I’m going to be able to do that I wasn’t able to do before, like picking up the kids at school and bringing them home. But I feel a tremendous amount of guilt." Jenne Lombardo and sons, Bowie and Valentine

Step-Parenting Teens

Stepparenting teens…..need I say more?

Readers, unfortunately, the reality is that adolescence is one of the most stressful times in the life of a teen.  While our teenagers can be sweet, charming, daunting and joyful, trudging through the adolescent years with your stepchild can prove to be like a grudge match between David and Goliath.  Although teens have many postitive attributes, they experience a myriad of mood swings due to hormone changes which causes them to turn on you at a moments notice, times of lethargy due to their ambivalent view of the world and the mere fact alone that they think they know everything is an understatement!   With all that being said, it isn’t a surprise that statistics prove that many remarriages fail due to the stress factors that teenagers bring, and spouses allow, into the marital relationship.

All of the above can cause any bio parent to feel as if they are at the end of their rope when dealing with adolscents.  Factor in the stepparent dynamic and you have all the makings of a full blown war on your hands.  As stepparents, we need to recognize that rebellion is a part of every teenand ever teen, whether they are in a stepfamily environment or not, will experience same.  Stepparents need also be aware that just because the “step” is equated with their family, it doesn’t mean that their stepchildren are unlike any other teen.  Stepparents, at times, tend to spend more time focusing on what is “wrong” with their stepchild instead of accepting that some of their issues may just be the mere fact that they are “teens.”  Step-teens do not want adversarial relationships with their stepparents anymore than the stepparents do. 

When I married my husband, my older two boys were 15 and 16.  One was very rebellious and reactive to every situation.  My husband had a hard time adjusting as did as my son.  I tried to explain to my husband that some of the issues were just due to “teen drama” but inevitably there was strain.  Teens need to feel that they can be free to think and to be individuals.  The teen years is where our children become self-reliant and when they are trying to establish their own identities.  Unfortunately, because of their immaturity, this is projected as reeling against your authority.  Granted, sometimes they are just being unruly and at times disrespectful (which should obviously be handled appropriately)  but it is good to keep in mind that our kids nowadays have a lot going on.  Peer pressure is irrevocable.  They feel as if they have to keep up with the ”Kardashian’s,” let alone being raised in the social network generation, their communication skills have gone awry.

Another important factor to weigh in on regarding parenting stepchildren who are teens is the fact that they would just plain rather forget about the custody issues and parental battles and issues between the grown-ups and spend time with their friends.  With that being said, having a relationship wth their stepparent is definitiely not the first thing on their minds.  Actually, distance between you and your stepteen may grow during this period more than any other time.  Don’t hold it against them.  Most likey, you do matter to them…they just don’t want to show you right now.   Showing feelings is not a high priority on a teen’s list of things to accomplish.  Parental love is crucial during this period in their lives and that parental love needs to come from all sides of the coin which includes stepparents.  Keep in mind that the stepfamily life is hard for a teen.  They are insecure about love (why shouldn’t they be…their parents divorced),their position in the family, loss of their first family and at the same time, they have to compete with you for their parents attention as well.

A few tips that may help you trudge through this time are as follows:

1. Expectations.  Set clear, concise and age-appropriate expectations.  Teens are not mind-readers.  Being in the blended environment is confusing itself, shifting from home to home is also hard.  Let them know what you expect ahead of time.  Be aware that rules and expectations should always be open to change.  As children and teens grow, adjustments should be made accordingly.  Teens need positive and caring discipline.  Albeit there will be challenges with your expressing and their accepting your authority but is crucial that the stepparent and their respective spouse set these boundaries.  Remember, it’s easier for the stepteen to lash out at the stepparent as opposed to their bio parent.  In my opinion, a lot of the time, that is their way of coping with their feelings.
2. Problem Solving.  Focus on the solutions and not always so much on the problems.  Teens have short attention spans.  Working together to solve problems with them will help them navigate and allow them to feel comfortable talking and communicating with you.  Talk about differences and how you can use your differences in positive ways.
3. Your Role.  All stepparents need to define their roles, especially with teens.  The wife/husband role is an obvious one.  However, with a sensitive teen, it will help if you and your spouse explain to your stepteen that you are not a stumbling block for them but rather a direct extension of their absent parent and that you care about them in all aspects of their life.  It’s a tough balance but in my opinion worth the extra effort.
4. Acceptance:  Stepfamilies are inherently different from nuclear/bio families.  There will be clashes from time to time due to different personalities, different value systems, etc.  It’s OK!  Once families comprehend and accept that it’s okay to be different, they can move on to a more cohesive unit.
5. Attention.  Stepparents, I cannot reinforce the matter of “attention” enough.  Even if we feel shut out at times because we are not the bio parent, it is very important for you, as the adult, to take the lead and reach out to your stepchild(ren)/teen.   Taking your time to develop a relationship is important but so is making progress.  Once in a while, offer to spend some alone time with your stepteen (a movie, shopping or a sporting event).  Remember, even if you are rejected, children remember effort. 
6. Family Meetings.  Setting up a monthly family meeting will do wonders for your struggling situation.  Take the opportunity at these meetings to have regular communication.  Listen to your stepteen and your children and allow their opinions to matter.    Ultimately, all people, but especially teens, want to know that their voices are being heard.  Let them get their frustrations and gripes out.  Then, find ways to effectively deal with them.

TMF Readers, remember, stepparents can play a very special role in the lives of their stepchildren/teens.  How you define your relationship will take careful consideration of feelings, love, love and more love, and most importantly…. time!  Do not have unrealistic expectations and remember, as time moves on, your role will become more evident.  Do your best to spend quality one on one time and let them get to know you as a person.  Take it slow and remember TMF Readers, you are only the wicked stepparent if you allow yourself to be. 

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Mommyhood…Teenage Style

“It’s not all honey and roses.  You have to give up all your free time, and you have to be the best mom you can be.” Markai Durham (Cast Member of Sixteen & Pregnant)

According to statistics (U.S. Teenage Pregnancies, Births and Abortions: National and State Trends and Trends by Race and Ethnicity, 2010), each year, almost 750,000 women living in the United States between the ages of 15-19 become pregnant and a staggering two-thirds of all teen pregnancies occur between the ages of 18 and 19 years of age.   

Let’s face it, the subject of teenage pregnancy has in the last 5 years has become a huge payoff for cable television with the likes of shows like Sixteen and Pregnant and with Bristol Palin’s acceptance of her advocacy position to the tune of over $200,000 a year, teen pregnancy can seem, to a young girl, a pretty lucrative business.  However, although I personally feel that the above-mentioned examples have many positive effects with regard to showing teen moms exactly how life’s struggles with a baby can either make us or break us, at the same time, I am a little disenchanted with glorifying the same because the fact remains that there are a lot of young, impressionable teens whose immaturity may lead them down that superficial path too soon.

Speaking on this subject isn’t particularly hard for me as I was one of the statistics mentioned above.  By 19, I myself was pregnant.  By 21, I had 2 children who were 17 months apart and life for me was no longer a walk in the park.  It was the biggest challenge I ever faced.

Albeit a teen moms usually end up with full responsibility for the baby, however, teen pregnancy also can be hard on teen fathers. Unfortunatley, more often than not, the pregnancy strains relationships not only with the teen mom, but also with parents on both sides of the fence.  Teen fathers are more likely to quit school which leads to their employment skills wavering as well. The financial responsibility that lies on fathers is also a huge challenge to most teen dads and often is the deterrent that keeps them from being a completely involved father.

There is a young girl (18) in my neighborhood that is pregnant and whom has been my neighbor since she was 5.  Her mother is drug addicted and lost custody of her.  Her father has passed away.  Her decision was to keep her child.  I have shared my experiences with her in hopes that she will  learn all she can and I am doing my best to help her, but in doing so, my thoughts have turned to how we can all pitch in to help prevent young girls like her from getting pregnant in the first place.

In my opinion one of the most important things parents and the community as a whole can do to prevent teen pregnancy is to be involved in their teen’s lives. Talk, talk, talk. Spend time with your teen every day. Talk to your teen and not only tell them that you are there for them, but show it in your actions. Get interested in what your teen is interested in and if they have no interests, help them find some. Be active as a family and show your unconditional love. Be an active participant in what they love to do. Involve yourself. Ask plenty of questions and make sure that your teen knows that you are the person they can come to and confide in. Make sure they know there is a safe zone in your home, free of judgments, but where they can talk to you about any and everything.  I can’t tell you how important it is to a pregnant teen to have a safe zone for communication with a parent.  I wish I had this when I went through my experience. 

If your teen tells  you she is pregnant, here are a few tips in order to help get both of you through a very emotional time. 

• First and foremost, set up a doctor appointment for your teen to not only verify their suspicion, but to get them the prenatal care they need.
• Have a conversation about the choices your teen has in this situation.  Be welcome to discuss your feelings, but don’t force your opinions on her.  It won’t work and will only backfire on you in the long run.  Allowing her to make her own decision affords her the opportunity to tale ownership in  her choices and to take responsibility for her actions.
• Support her and her decision after it has been made.
• If you and your teen butt heads and you feel like you need help, ask for it.  There is no shame in counseling or for asking for help.
• Prepare your teen.  Education is key.  The more she learns ahead of the birth, the better off she will be. There is a wealth of information on the web, in the libraries, at your doctor’s offices and county pregnancy clinics. 

In closing, let me just say that this very sensitive topic is not only emotionally draining but physically draining as well on both you and your teen.  As parents, we tend to take on a lot of guilt and blame ourselves for the decisions our children make.  All of us have been guilty of this from time to time.   From a personal perspective, I knew perfectly well the risk of unprotected sex as do most teens.  Most teens, unlike my neighbor, come from good homes and don’t have the additional challenges like drug addiction in their daily lives.  Most have supportive parents.  Most teens, like myself at the time, know right from wrong, they just happen to make a bad choice.  Parents, be involved and give your teen an open door policy to communicate with you without fear of judgment, but with love, knowledge and open arms. 

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Single Parent Crisis

Take 1:  It is my opinion, and I am sure it is that of many others, that children are entitled to a good home.  Unfortunately, a two-parent family is never a guarantee.  Never has been, never will. 

Take 2:  Statistics show that 90% of all single parents in America are women.  That’s approximately 10.4 million women.  Unfortunately, statistics also show that most of these women are living under the poverty level, struggling not only with day-to-day living, but also with the day-in and day-out challenges that single-parenting provides.  Being a single parent is difficult.  Not only do single parents experience the challenges mentioned above, they deal with the fear of being alone, abandonment, resentment and, most importantly, the anxiety of wondering what will happen to their children should they not be, for reasons beyond their control, able to care for them.

Besides all of the above, single parents have the additional stress factor of  doing their best to fill every role as a single parent.  Is it impossible?  Well, the answer to that is clear.  Yes.  Single parents can do their best to fill in the gaps as best as they can for the absent parent, and most of the time they do a very noteworthy job, but it is literally impossible per say to be a mother and try to fill a man’s shoes in the life of your children.  Just as it is almost impossible for a man to fill a woman’s shoes.  I can tell you from personal experience that for years I believed that I could be the “be all and do all” for my two older boys (during my single parent days), I was adamant that they didn’t need their fathers (due to their non-involvement at the time) and I would scream to the world that I was “daddy” as well as “mommy.”  However, as my boys grew into teenagers, it hit me like a ton of bricks.   I realized how wrong I was.  Being a father is just not in my dna make-up.  I could teach them all I knew about what I “thought”  or “expected” a man to be, but I couldn’t teach them how to be a man or really even ”understand” all that they were going through.  I could and did certainly do my best, but it became very clear that I certainly could not fill those shoes.  It was a hard pill for me to swallow.   Children need both parents for totally different reasons besides just parental nurturing and love.  They need both parents because that’s the way God planned it.  Unfortunately, in today’s world, we have to make do with what we have. 

On another note, unfortunately, single-parenthood is a vicious circle in our country.   In a study conducted by Bumpass and McLanahan about daughters and single mothers, the statistics may surprise you.  Daughters of single mothers have a:

• 53% chance of marrying while teenagers;
• 111% chance of having babies while they are teens;
• 164% chance of having babies out of wedlock; and
• 92% chance of having marital problems.

Source:  Parenting Tips

In conclusion, raising children on your own is more than hard and more than a challenge.  However, it can be done successfully with  intuitive, well-rounded children who grow and become successful, adults.   Is a two-parent family a better option?  Probably.  However, we don’t live in Wonderland where everything is perfect and where everything works out the way we plan it in the beginning.  In some cases, a two-parent family is also not indicative of what most consider a good home.   Actually, some two-parent homes are completely counter-productive of what a child needs due to constant conflict and sometimes verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

With that being said, it is my opinion that if we have to be single parents, we should be able to and should encourage healthy co-parent relationships so that our children can grow, learn and be nurtured by both parents.  So that one parent doesn’t have to fill the shoes of the other.  However, I live in reality and I know that some parents just do not want to be parents, let alone co-parent.  To that end, single parents, keep your head up.  Keep encouraging your children to grow.  Your children will be better because they have you. 

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Struck by Living Top Ten for Raising Teens – Julie K. Hersh

Recently I saw “Race to Nowhere” a great documentary about the stress kids face in school. I liked the film, although I wanted a “take away” from the film that provided a list of things I might do to reduce stress with my teens. I came up with this list – as always this is not a comprehensive list. I’d love to see ideas from readers about things they do to keep their teens mentally healthy.

 Increase Communication: Try to have dinner together at least three evenings a week. Engage conversation by telling teens about your day and asking them to talk about theirs. Talk about things that are important to them (friends, sports, music, art) not just the academic grill (how did you do on that test? Have you done your homework? How could you get such a bad grade??)

Advise your own children, but live your own life: Teens often do not have the experience, maturity or prefrontal cortex development to understand when they are overloading themselves. Advise them to them look at their time, abilities and help them plan realistically (e.g., 4 AP classes might not be a good idea at the same time s/he is starring in a show).

 On the other hand, try not to live vicariously through your children. It’s great to experience (again), the joy of life with children, but when a child becomes the tool to do the things parent never did (e.g, star of a sports team, be “popular” or star of the school play); the parent feeds his or her own ego and is not nurturing the child. Had an interesting example of this with my son. When he was nine years old, I got calls from a long list of select soccer coaches. They cajoled me (he’s so good!), threatened me (if he doesn’t play select he will never fulfill his potential) and played to my ego (he has enough talent to be a college player – he obviously has your athletic build). My son said – “Mom – I want to play with my friends. Plus I want to play other sports.” I let him do what he wanted. My gut feel was the friendships he would develop through a less competitive team were more important than building creating the next soccer star. This was a tough choice because I had already invested hundreds of hours in his soccer (coached his early teams, hired special coaches, drove him everywhere). I had to step back, and think long term for my child. Coaches want to fill a team for a year or three years tops. You are trying to build a child into adulthood. Keep that goal in mind.

Praise is good, Over praise leads to unrealistic expectations and a hollow win: Kids need to be able to achieve and have their work mean something. When we give a trophy for participating and not winning – we are creating future monsters of expectation and entitlement. A person has to work to win. It is okay to lose, as long a strong effort took place. But kids need to experience losing early and frequently. Failure teaches resilience.

Model life learning: When was the last time your child saw you read a book, newspaper, go to a scientific event or arts event? How can we expect our children to be curious if we aren’t? Do you love your job? Do you talk about the positive things at work at home?

Model good self care: Do you take care of yourself? Get enough sleep? Eat healthfully? Do things you love? Engage healthy discussions with your spouse or significant other in front of your kids? OR Are you the doormat for your family’s and community’s needs? Kids learn more from actions than from words. If you show them how to protect yourself, there’s a better chance they will model that behavior.

Say “NO” or limit school activities that destroy family vacations: I’m still working on this one! My 16 year-old child cut out a week of Christmas vacation because of Varsity soccer. He did not see his 85 year-old grandmother or cousins who he only sees once a year. Was this worth it? No. Will he get a soccer scholarship or be a professional soccer player? Probably not. If family is important – we need to put family first.

Provide a venue for connection with nature and exploration. When I was a kid in suburban VA, I’d explore in the woods, by myself, with friends and fighting the bullies in the neighborhood (I was an adept dirt clod fighter). I formed much of who I am in those explorations. One of my biggest regrets about living Dallas is the lack of exploratory time my kids have. I drive them everywhere, and their time is scheduled. So our family has made an effort to go places on vacation where our kids can have more freedom. Go to a small town where kids can walk or ride a bike to a store by themselves. Go to a national forest and let them do a hike by themselves (with instruction, of course). Give them opportunities to take risks, get lost and recover.

Encourage interaction with positive family members or friends outside your child’s age group. As a parent, sometimes our relationship with teens is hostile. Sometimes a grandparent, an aunt or uncle or a reliable family friend or “cool” but good older teen is better at providing comfort or perspective. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. When children are only exposed to kids in their age group, they get stuck in the landmines of that age group. Someone who has survived the age your child faces might provide better insight on how to handle the situation.

Get out of the house and turn off electronics. Get your kids to go outside – create a pick up basketball or baseball game. Encourage them to get some exercise and face to face interaction with other kids, without direct adult supervision. Brain development is enhanced by exercise and games that require coordination. Exercise also relieves stress.

Let your kids have space, but hold them accountable.  We tell our kids they have plenty of freedom until they screw up, but if they do, the screws tighten. Kids need some freedom figure out who they are. Set boundaries clearly and punishments that fit the crime swiftly. A child in a cage can’t be a creative thinker. A child without consequences learns to be corrupt at an early age. Freedom and accountability is a tough balance, but perhaps the most important one we can strive for as parents.

Recommended Reading:

Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain: John Ratey

Distracted: The Erosion of Attention and the Coming Dark Age:  Maggie Jackson

Mindset: Carol Dweck

Blessings of a Skinned Knee: Wendy Mogel

Struck by Living: From Depression to Hope: Julie K Hersh (not about teens)

For more information on Julie K Hersh and Struck by Living, please check out our website: www.struckbyliving.com

Revision 3 – 2/1/11

Recently awarded the Mental Health America Ruth Altschuler Community Advocate Prism Award and selected as one of the 2010 Distinguished Women by Northwood University, Julie Hersh is an outspoken advocate for mental health. “Despite medical advances,” Julie says, “too many people die by suicide because they are afraid to seek help.” Julie’s goal is to provide a living example that mental illness is a manageable disease. Her Struck by Living blog is featured on the Psychology Today website. Julie is also a guest blogger on the Menninger Clinic “Say No to Stigma” website.

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