Today’s Modern Family’s Top 10 Mom Must-Haves

Star of Bethenny Getting Married, Bethenny (Frankel) Hoppy and actress, Jessica Alba both admit to a night nanny being a must have. Modern momma, actress and star of hit reality show, Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, Tori Spelling swears by the Orbit stroller. Star of the movie, “The Kids Are Alright,” Julianne Moore says that traveling with mozerella cheese sticks and crackers for her two kids is a must have and modern momma and actress, Nia Long says that having her “Nia” time is a must!

But whether or not you’re a celebrity, most days modern mommas are juggling so many things that it feels like they have a celebrity’s schedule. If you’re a modern single momma who’s having to do it all, you probably can’t or should I say, shouldn’t, live without your “me” time. If you’re a modern stepmomma, raising someone else’s kids, a glass of wine may top your must have list. If you’re a modern working momma, a routine is probably essential for you.

We checked with some Today’s Modern Family modern momma readers and friends to see what their mom must haves were and compiled a list of the top ten. Because we are advocates of our modern mommas taking good care of themselves and we know must haves don’t have to be specifically for the kid, we encouraged our readers and friends to list something that they personally need to get them through mommyhood. Are any of your must haves on the list? If not, add them in the comment section.

As a new mom (again) to a 4 month old cutie pie and mom to a 13 year old, I must agree with number 1 on the list; ten minute power naps. Delina Hill-Brooker, co-author of Revealing and Healing, says that there’s nothing like a 10 minute power nap to quickly rejuvenate yourself. Another one of our modern mommas said that a glass of Berringer White Zifindale does the trick for her. McDonald’s Ice Coffee is another one of our modern mommas drink of choice. She said that it’s a definite mom must have.

Spicy Wifey co-founder and celebrity make-up artist, Quin says that she can’t live without her Jaime Earl Organic Skin Care line!

Many of our modern mommas confessed to not getting enough of paper plates. The less dishes they have to do the better and I must agree!

Studies do show that exercise releases endorphins that make you happy and a few of our  mommas can’t live without that gym time.

As a mom and stepmom, with kids coming and going like ping pong balls, a rountine was essential especially when my son and stepson were very young. Modern single momma of 5, Chamar Folson couldn’t agree more. A rountine tops her list of mom must haves.

 ”As a mother of 5 children, the most important thing for me is a concrete evening schedule. Children thrive on structure and it helps keep them well rounded when they get older,” explained Folson.

Author of bestseller, Mircales of my Mistakes, and divorced modern momma of 5, T.Smith, swears by Godiva’s dark chocolate maccroons - yummy. 

Several of our mommas must have  daily meditation or spiritual time with God. Modern momma, Jina Helms said that she worships God daily through song on her way to work and on her way home, and won’t go a day without it.

“It’s my woosah moment and keeps me prepared for all of my jobs; mom, wife and employee,” said Jina.

design by Tiffany Kendall of Glass House Coutoure

CEO and lead designer of Glass House Coutoure and modern single momma, Tiffany Kendall, said that she can’t live without removable wall decals. She says they are a must have for moms because they can easily personalize their kid’s room with them.

As a working mother, I can definitely relate to more than a few of the above. I can’t function without a daily dose of “Kela” time, those 10 minute power naps are a great “pick me up” and paper plates save me time on doing the dishes. What about you? Tell us what you just can’t live without.

Baby Names Inspired by Hit Movie Twilight

Bella and Edward

Okay, I shamefully admit that I am a huge fan of the Twilight movies.  Yep, you read correctly, I am an over 30 year old wife and working mother of a 13 year old (who can’t stand Twilight, by the way) and 4 month old and stepmother to an almost 14 year old, and I love Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse. I also like the books, by stay at home mom, Stephenie Meyer, that started the whole phenomenon.Well apparently there are a whole lot of Twilight mommy fans out there because many are choosing to name their babies after the characters.

According to the Social Security Administration these character names are fast climbing the charts of the most popular baby names in the U.S. Names like Isabella (the full name of Kristen Stewart’s Bella character) replaced Emma as the most popular baby name for girls in 2009. Among the boys, Jacob (the werewolf played by Taylor Lautner) retained its 11-year-run at the top of boys list. Additionally, we are seeing more and more Jaspers, Emmetts and Alices pop up in 2009 and 2010. And they didn’t forget about Edward (the leading vampire played by Robert Pattinson). The name Edward posted only a modest rise of 11 spots on the list to reach No. 137, says the SSA, but Cullen (his last name) was the fastest rising name among boys, soaring 297 places to land at No. 485.

As a new mom, again, as my first time was 13 years ago, I know how exciting and overwhelming it can be to choose the perfect name. Although I opted not to go for a Twilight inspired name for my baby boy, I think choosing such a name is very modern and see nothing wrong with moms getting inspiration from movies, books, soap operas or the Bible. Just remember that choosing the perfect name need not be so pressure filled as so many moms literally stress themselves out over choosing the perfect name.  Have fun with it, go with what inspires you and not everyone else and don’t rush. It’s perfectly okay to choose a name, once he or she is born, that fits your baby’s personality perfectly.

For a little help, check out Baby Names World or Baby Name Stats or watch your favorite movie and get inspired!

Good luck to all my modern day pregnant mommies out there!

Teaching Kids to Deal With Disappointment

I subscribe to the Daily Babble newsletter and this week the very first article immediately caught my attention.  Teaching Kids About Disappointment was the title of the article; written by Harlyn Aizley, author of Confessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological Lesbian Mothers Tell All. The subtitle to this article was Why Are We So Afraid To Tell Children That Life’s Not Fair?

Harlyn’s article was about five year olds being disappointed at a birthday party, but it was the grander message that I found really thought provoking. Afterward, I pondered on the very question that she raised in her article; why the hell are we so afraid to tell our children that life sometimes isn’t fair?

As an ex and a stepmom I am well aware that life hasn’t always seemed fair for our children. The families, as they knew them, dissolved right before their very eyes. My son’s father lives out of the country for ten months of every year, which means he doesn’t get to see him very often.  He and my stepson are only 3 months apart and went from being only children, with the attention all on them, to having to share the attention with the other and with us. When my husband and I got together, they were barely 4 years old and I can totally see how life seemed unfair to them then and even now. After all, dad isn’t always able to be at school plays or basketball games because one (my ex) lives out of the country and my stepson’s dad (my husband) doesn’t live in state with him. However, from day one, I have been an advocate of empowering my son to accept change and define happiness or “normal” for himself. It is the reason that my ex and I have never attempted to alter my son’s reality. Dad is in Spain because that’s where his job is and mom lives in the states. I wasn’t going to move to Spain so that he could be closer to him. We don’t vacation together for his benefit (not knocking those who do, by the way) and we live our lives separately because we are no longer together.  Instead of altering my son’s reality I was successful in getting him to embrace this change and then define his new normal. I told him that yes dad works out of the country and you don’t get to see him very often, but that just means when you do see him it will be that much more rewarding. Instead of encouraging him to be angry about sharing me with two other people, I told him that he would now have a best buddy, whom he had a lot in common with, to create special memories with. Additionally, he would have a full time father figure to do things with that mom is no good at, like playing baseball or Yu-Gi Oh. Over time, he began to see my point and now, his modern family is normal to him and he’s very happy with it!

That being said, I never encouraged my son to suppress his feelings. I acknowledged his angry, hurt, sad, and confused feelings. I told him that he was absolutely justified in feeling the way that he did; however, I have never allowed him to use his circumstances as a crutch. Life sometimes sucks is what I told him, but you have to make the best out of whatever cards you are dealt. This is the way things are now and they are never going to be the way they were, so how do we move forward with what we have?

His life over the past 10 years has afforded him some life long lessons that he will take with him when he becomes an adult. The truth is, is that life isn’t always fair and nobody is going to twist and bend like a pretzel to make sure you are never disappointed. Life is full of disappointments! Additionally, you have to learn to move forward and choose to be happy instead of angry or victimized. Giving into that anger is what permanently scars you; not the disappointments themselves. It has also taught him that he is in charge of his happiness; not his dads, his moms, his siblings or anyone else. Finally, it has encouraged him to accept and embrace change because although it’s uncertain, it doesn’t mean that it won’t be worth it.

I realize that what I’m saying is easier said than done, believe me I do. As a mom who always wants to protect her cubs, there have been times when I have wanted to give my son whatever he wants just so that he doesn’t have to feel pain, hurt or disappointment. But then I realized that doing so means that he will never be equipped to handle the real world and all the real life challenges that it brings.  Allowing our children to appropriately deal with and accept disappointment teaches them to live in this world and not some world that is designed specifically for them.

Helicopter Parenting and Neurotic Kids

Today, I read a fabulous article on MSNBC.  I am reposting it for your reading pleasure as it is not only interesting, but got my wheels turning about free-range parenting.   When I was growing up, when kids went off to college, it was not just for an educational experience, but more so a life experience.  Nowadays, parents don’t allow their children to grow and learn because of their over-protectiveness.  It has actually become a fault.  I know we live in different times now and the world has changed, but we have to allow our children to become independent because without independence they cannot flourish as adults.  It all starts before the age of 5.  Enjoy!

Helicopter Parents have Neurotic Kids
By:  Rachel Rettner

Overly protective parents might be leaving a lasting impact on their child’s personality, and not in a good way, a new study finds.

The results show having so-called “helicopter parents” was associated with being dependent, neurotic and less open, a slew of personality traits that are generally thought of as undesirable.

The study, which surveyed college freshman, is one of the first to try to define exactly what helicopter parenting is, and measure it. The term was originally coined by college admissions personnel when they started to notice a change in parents of prospective students - parents would call the admissions office and try to intervene in a process that had previously just been between the student and the college, said study researcher Neil Montgomery, a psychologist at Keene State College in New Hampshire.

While the findings are only preliminary, and more studies are needed to back up the results, they suggest this type of over-parenting might lead to children who are ultimately not ready to leave the nest.

“I think what the helicopter parents did is they decided, ‘OK we know what good parenting looks like, we’re just going to ratchet it up to a new level, and our kids are going to be even better,’” Montgomery said. “The problem is, when they ratcheted it up, they went too far, and in fact, caused an expansion of childhood or adolescence.”

Hovering parents, neurotic children
Montgomery and his colleagues surveyed about 300 freshmen with a questionnaire the researchers specifically designed to assess helicopter parenting. They focused on college students, because college is a “crisis point” in the relationship between the helicopter parent and the child, Montgomery said. At this stage, the parents no longer have control over their child’s life and can’t keep track of them like in the past.

Participants had to rate their level of agreement with statements such as, “My parents have contacted a school official on my behalf to solve problems for me,” “On my college move-in day, my parents stayed the night in town to make sure I was adjusted,” and “If two days go by without contact, my parents would contact me.”

About 10 percent of the participants had helicopter parents. The rate was higher in girls than in boys, with 13 percent of the females being helicoptered compared with just 5 percent of males. And it was mainly mothers doing the hovering, Montgomery said.

Students with helicopter parents tended to be less open to new ideas and actions, as well as more vulnerable, anxious and self-consciousness, among other factors, compared with their counterparts with more distant parents.

“We have a person who is dependent, who is vulnerable, who is self-conscious, who is anxious, who is impulsive, not open to new actions or ideas; is that going to make a successful college student?” Montgomery said. “No, not exactly, it’s really a horrible story at the end of the day.”

On the other hand, in non-helicoptered students who were given responsibility and not constantly monitored by their parents - so-called “free rangers” - the effects were reversed, Montgomery said.

Future outlook
Montgomery notes that the findings only show an association, and not a direct cause-effect link, meaning all children with helicopter parents don’t necessarily turn out this way. However, he thinks the research should encourage parents to think about what they are doing as they raise their children, and be aware that there is such a thing as over-parenting.

He hopes the work leads to more research in the area, including large studies on different populations of children, such as high-school and middle-school students. Future studies will hopefully bring about a clearer picture of helicopter parenting, Montgomery said.

“People keep talking about it like everyone knows what it is,” Montgomery said. “And it’s not clear that anyone really knows what it is, other than the people they know personally who are doing these things.”

The results were presented May 29 at the Association of Psychological Science Convention in Boston.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The Overcompensating Divorced Parent

There’s no doubt about it; divorce is a difficult thing for all involved parties to deal with. Divorced parents agonize over the guilty feelings and anxiety regarding their children post divorce. They feel guilt because they’ve hurt them and become anxious about whether or not their children will love or like them anymore. This is especially true for the non-custodial parent who does not get to see his children as often as he did prior to the divorce. As a result, many non-custodial parents overcompensate by doing at least one (usually all) of the following:

1. They turn into the “funhouse” or “disneyland” parent; making every visitation the biggest party of the year. They shower them with expensive gifts, dinners and whatever else they want. There is no sense of normalcy during these visits.
2. They spend the rest of their lives apologizing for the divorce and using the divorce as an excuse for their children’s bad behavior. For example, a divorced parent might say, “She just called you a bitch because she’s hurt as a result of the divorce,” (even though the divorce happened 8 years prior).
3. Numbers 2 and 3 usually go hand in hand. Parents may let their children do whatever they want with few rules and little to no consequences. While they make excuses for their bad behavior they allow them to avoid consequences simultaneously.

Parents must realize that their children will encounter many difficult situations, trials and tribulations throughout their life time and it’s important that through it all, we raise children who grow up and contribute to the world in some way instead of believing that the world owes them something.

When divorced parents overcompensate due to guilt, it may satisfy them in the short-term, but there are long-term consequences as a result. These children don’t just grow up and learn; they become products of the world that you alter for them. If they learn and are allowed to manipulate everyone and use the divorce as excuse, then they become the manipulative adult who manipulates and blames everyone for his or her shortcomings. For example, if you spend your child’s whole live giving him or her a bunch of excuses for their behavior, they will do the same as they get older. Instead of being accountable for his or her actions it becomes everyone else’s fault. I got a bad grade because the teacher didn’t like me. I didn’t do well in the baseball game because the ref didn’t like me. I don’t have any friends because everyone hates me. All the while these type of kids never ever stop to think that it could be them!

As parents, it is our instinct to protect our children from all hurt and pain. As the mother of a five week old, I know how intense this feeling is from the very beginning of their life. You just want your kids to be happy all the time, but the reality is that experiences can evoke happiness, sadness, pain, anger and all kinds of emotions. It is best to teach our children to deal with these emotions properly instead of protecting them from something that is inevitable - pain. Instead of creating unlikeable adults, let your children grow and learn from their painful situations as they will undoubtedly experience many more throughout their lifetime. Remember, your children depend on you to remain their parent and never reverse that role out of guilt.

Summer’s Coming…Are you Ready?

If you’re like me, the winter season, although I love it, can feel like it drags on forever.  Spring hits and we are itching for Summer days.  However, for parents with young children, Summer can be stressful.  School is out and it’s time to find a good Summer camp.  This Summer, my little boy will go away to an overnight camp for the first time for a whole week.  I would be remiss to say that I am not terrified, but I am.  My son, however, is elated.  It’s a major sports camp so for him, it is heaven on earth.

While doing my research on out-of-state camps, I came across a great article written by Barbara Rowley of Parenting Magazine entitled “How to Pick the Right Summer Camp for Your Kid.”  In her article, Ms. Rowley discusses the struggles parents face in deciding to send their children off to camp.  For example, “why does camp really matter anyway?”  According to camp officials, camp, they say, let’s children roam and play in a way they rarely do in their own neighborhoods and it takes them away from computers, video games and swaps them for conversation, fun and games in a natural setting.

Bingo!  The above statements ring so true.  Children nowadays are stuck in the house.  They are less social, over-weight and totally under-exercised.  All of this is as a result of our ever changing, high-tech world.  Now, do I think that we should go totally back to the days before computers?  Absolutely not!  However, there should be a healthy balance.  For us parents who played outside until the street lights came on, went off to camp every Summer for 2 or 3 weeks and experienced the joys of swimming in the lake, hiked small mountain sides, made smores and had sing-alongs, our kids don’t know what they are missing!

If you are thinking about sending your little one off this Summer, whether that be for a day or overnight Summer camp, here are a few tips from Ms. Rowley’s article to help you navigate through the process:

• Do your homework.  When choosing a day camp, it’s smart to talk to camp directors before making any decision.
• Check the history of the camp.  There are great new camps, but older camps who have operated for decades does mean something.
• What is their philosophy?  Does it focus on sports?  Arts? Leadership?  How is this philosophy integrated into its programs?
• An emphasis on creating community.  Good camps think about how they place kids together to create the most inclusive experience for all.  Another hallmark of community:  A scholarship program.
• A well-trained staff.  In adequate numbers for a low campers-to-staffers ratio (about 10 to 1 for kids ages 8 to 14).  The staff should be background-checked, too, with references, an interview, and a criminal records search.
• An element of choice.  Your child will feel more independent if he can choose some activities.

Peg Smith, Chief Executive Officer of the American Camp Association says that day camp is a good starting point for children.  She says, “Kids learn about being part of a community and to cope with temporary separation.  They’re not only a good transitional step for kids but also for parents, who often need to learn these same separation skills.”  Personally, I totally agree.  We parents, [myself included] get too attached to our little ones and we don’t always allow them to learn how to separate from us and become independent.  As Ms. Rowley’s fabulous article reminds us, camps are a great, safe way to take those steps.   Not only do children come home more independent, but they come home with a life time of memories and skills.

I’ll be taking my first step with my young one in July…Wish me luck!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Depression and Children of Divorce

The most important element to happiness for a child is the need to feel safe and loved.  During divorce, if parents aren’t careful, children can feel just the opposite.  They become stressed, worried and fearful.  This in turn causes depression.  One of the most important discussions you can have with your children about what is going to happen in the future is where they stand relative to your divorce.  Granted, some might not feel that they should involve children in grown folks business, but it is very important, as long as children are old enough to process what you are telling them, to have a productive discussion about the changes that are about to take place in their lives.  Verbally reassuring them that they are loved by both parents is not enough; you have to address their reasons for their stresses and worries.

Another important factor to consider is your non-verbal actions as parents.  How you present and carry yourself speaks volumes to your children.  Remember, actions speak louder than words, so do not make it tougher for your children during these critical times by disparaging your ex or removing yourself emotionally from your children (whether intentional or not).  This type of behavior only intensifies the burdens and feelings of loss that children of divorce carry.  Children are just that, children.  They do not need to carry your “extra” baggage.

A certain amount of sadness that children experience during divorce is normal; however, extreme and continuing sadness that is coupled with helplessness is not.  This may be a sign of depression.  Unfortunately, statistics prove that divorce is one of the leading causes of depression in children and teens.  Studies show that the rate of serious depression in children — up 2% a generation ago to 23% in children up to age 20 (www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com) not all related to divorce, but still a wake-up call for parents.  The following are warning signs that your children might experiencing depression:

• Sleep problems
• Poor concentration
• Declining grades
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Self-injury
• Change in eating habits
• Anxiety

The following are some tips to help help make your child’s lives easier during this stressful time:

• Minimize major changes, such as changing schools or relocating out of state after your divorce.  Do your best to keep some sense of normalcy in your children’s daily life.
• Be consistent with discipline.  Do not allow your children to use the divorce as a crutch for bad behavior.
• Be open to answering questions, listen to your children and be available to them at all times.
• Do not limit your child’s access to his/her other parent for your own personal vengance.  Your child deserves and has the right to love and spend time with both parents.
• Do not expect or rely on your child to help you through your recovery process.  You are the adult and they are the children.  It is unfair to rely on them for this kind of support.

Bottom line, children of divorce feel pain.  There is no way around it.  However, one of the main reasons for this pain is the mere fact that their relationships with their parents (especially the absent/non-custodial parent) is constantly being  redefined.  They don’t have the same security they once had and feelings are always being tested.  One of the most important gifts you can give them and of which, in turn, lesson you can teach them is that of stability and structure.  With being able to put your differences and feelings for your ex spouse aside from their parenting relationship with your child and thereby continuing to allow them to maintain a relationship with both parents, you can help your children allieviate some of their fears, worries and anxieties which will less likely result in their suffering from depression during this tough time in their life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The information contained in this article written by Diane Greene is not and does not constitute medical advice in any way, it is only an opinion based on personal research on the issue of depression in children of divorce.

Favorite Child…Is It Ok or Betrayal?

The subject is taboo.  It’s unheard of for a parent to admit that he or she has a favorite child.  However, research says otherwise.  A recent research survey conducted by Netmums, one of the UK’s most popular websites, indicates that one out of every six mothers has a favorite child.  In this study, over 1000 mothers were surveyed and 16% admitted that they had a favorite child.

I am sure some of you readers have felt at times like you had more in common with one of your children over the other.  At times, I have wondered how I had 3 boys that were so entirely different from one another.  I understand that differences are what makes each of your children unique and individual, but on the other hand, those same differences are also what makes them more likable, easier to love, etc. due to the fact that one child may constantly cause disruptions and stress and the other may not.  In that case,  it would be normal to have feelings of favoritism.

Albeit hard to admit,  I think the studies performed so far are wrong.  Because there is so much shame in having these feelings,  I am sure there are plenty more mothers that feel this way, but just can’t bring themselves to admit it, due to the suppression of their feelings. Once again, it’s a taboo subject, especially for a mother.  On the other hand, it’s more acceptable for fathers to have these feelings about their children. For example, a father may prefer to spend more time with his son because of common interest, as opposed to having a tea party or attending a beauty pageant with his daughter.

Dr. Ellen Weber-Libby, a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C. states, in her very interesting article entitled “Do Parents Have Favorite Children?”, that having these feelings are very normal and exist in every family.   She goes on to discuss the fact that no two children are identical which makes it impossible for any two children to be treated the same.

Some would say that favoring one child over the other is cruel.  Dr. Weber-Libby states, “Favoritism becomes cruel when consistently the same child is singled out for preferential treatment awarded because of parental bias. This child may be one of many or an only child. What is important is that the rewards experienced by the child reflect parental need to emotionally indulge the child and not the child’s behavior.” With that, Dr. Weber-Libby goes on to state, “When parents hold favorite children accountable to the same standards as other children, then the presence of cruelty is unlikely.”

We here at Today’s Modern Family are of the belief that healthy dialogue and discussion promotes change.  Being armed with this information, I wanted to conduct my own survey of our Today’s Modern Family readers.  Tell me, do you have a favorite child?  If so, do you suppress your feelings regarding the issue?  Or, are you of the opinion that having a favorite child is cruel and unusual?  I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on the matter.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Stepchildren and Discipline

A lot has been said about the stepchild/step-parent relationship.  A lot of advice has been given about making this relationship work and what the actual role of the step-parent really means.  However, when it comes to the subject of discipline and step-parenting, the biological parents, at times, swing the pendulum so far to either the left or the right that their spouse (the step-parent) has no idea where they actually stand.  This family dynamic can often times be the deal breaker in a marriage.  Granted, once you marry someone with children, it is not written in your job description that you must become a full-time parent and walk straight into the role of disciplinarian to your step-child.  However, when two families combine sometimes rules and boundaries collide. It can be hard for the new parent to fit right into the rules of the family, they may not know if the teenager can borrow their credit card (http://mozo.com.au/) or how much pocket money they should get.   For those biological parents who do not agree (or can’t get past their own control issues) I ask you this?  Is the school principal going to wait to call the police if your child has set fire to the building?  Will your child’s grandmother wait until you arrive to set your child straight in the event they have smart-mouthed her or broken the rules?  Albeit, my first example might be on the extreme end of the spectrum, you cannot take “adult control” out of the hands of the adult in charge of your child.  They must obey and respect the rules and boundaries of each household and the step-parent in their life (whether it’s your spouse or your ex-spouse’s partner)  – period.   In helping dissect this issue, ask yourself this question…”If you were still married to your ex-spouse, would you allow your child to disrespect him or her and get away with it or denigrate your ex-spouse for disciplining your child?”  Your answer is probably “no.”  Then, the same rule should hold true for your current spouse (obviously if there isn’t any unhealthy or abusive discipline going on).

Every individual has a different approach to life and their surroundings.  Unfortunately, for children of divorce, this is can bring major chaos into their lives, and step-parenting can become very complicated.  With that, the child must comply and get accustomed to different disciplinary approaches within each household but they must also know that the rules apply, all of the time, to everyone.  This is where a good co-parenting plan can make all the difference.  With this plan methodically laid out, each individual in the household knows what is expected of them and what the rules are.

As step-parents, yes, we have the responsibility to earn the trust and respect of our step-children.  That is a bond that takes time.  Part of building a solid, healthy relationship is not just being a “disneyland parent” or the “giver of many things” but being focused on having a positive and successful relationship with that child and this includes structure and healthy discipline.  Of course, step-parenting discipline should be backed up by the biological parents.  Children need to know that their step-parents are an extension of their parents and they are not just using this as their own authority but that of their parents in their absence.

Granted, no one agrees all of the time about discipline; however, by talking often and being fair, you can make the transition for your stepchildren smoother.  Here are some tips for you to follow:

1.  Make sure to keep to the same rules as often as you can.
2.  Biological parents must explain to their children that the step-parent can also remind them of rules AND enforce the consequences when those rules are broken .
3.  All children (whether bio or step) in the family must abide by the same rules.
4.  Create a co-parenting plan and have a family discussion about acceptable behavior in your home and the rules and responsibilities are of each individual.
5.  Never argue with your spouse about your child’s behavior in front of them.  Always discuss it behind closed doors.  This confuses and misconstrues the issues for children.

Keep an open mind and keep the lines of communication open with them.  Be honest with your children (all of them, including your stepchildren).  Let them know your expectations of them.   Lastly and most importantly, always and consistently be fair.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Lack of Discipline Leads to Spoiled Children

Lack of consistent discipline is increasingly becoming a major problem among families today. This new generation of parents is convinced that discipline means that we are abusing or unreasonably punishing our children. When in actuality lack of discipline is a form of abuse. Discipline, which comes from the root word disciple, means to teach and to guide, and when we guide our children toward positive behavior, we help them develop a healthy attitude toward life.

From my experience, stepfamilies have some of the most difficult challenges with discipline due to the complicated dynamics of the family. Often times, dad and stepmom aren’t on the same page; dad and ex-wife aren’t on the same page and mom and stepdad aren’t on the same page. All this leads to a lack of consistent discipline. Not to mention that divorced parents often make many excuses for their child’s negative behavior along the way. “She’s just hurt because of our divorce,” or “He’s just having a hard time dealing with our newly formed family.” As such, they become overly lenient and tend to overcompensate out of guilt from the divorce.  Additionally, they tend to make them feel like the whole world owes them something because their parents divorced and everything revolves around solely them and their hurt feelings.

Now, in no way am I suggesting that we shouldn’t sympathize with these children. BUT, parents should demand the same positive behavior from the children as they did prior to the divorce, or it can lead to an adult child who uses their childhood divorce as an excuse for negative behavior. And negative behavior as adult equals consequences that are far more severe than those of a child. It’s important to teach our children that while they may be hurting and we completely understand, there are still basic rules of life and consequences if those rules are broken.

Overall, lack of discipline leads to spoiled children; whether those children are part of a bi-nuclear or intact family, and absence of discipline during a child’s formative years leads to difficult challenges for them as children and adults. It truly sets up patterns that can last a lifetime. Remember that these children will eventually leave your little world and go out into the real word where their behavior will not be tolerated and it will leave them confused. For example, when little Cindy goes to school and is put in time out for slapping Billy in the face, she might say, “What do you mean I can’t slap Billy when I don’t get what I want; that’s what I do to mommy?” Or, your teen may feel it is his right to act out at school and not suffer the consequences because his parents are divorced. Remember, that children will live what they learn. They don’t go out into the real world and just know all of sudden. It is our job as parents to teach them through discipline and guidance.

Are you raising a spoiled child? Sherry Rauh, from WebMD listed 10 ways to raise a spoiled child and 6 of them are below. How many apply to you?

Making Your Child the Center of the World

Making your child’s wishes the top priority in every circumstance teaches her that the world revolves around her. This could prevent her from learning to consider other people’s needs and desires, says Susan Buttross, MD, chief of the Division of Child Development and Behavior Pediatrics at the University of Mississippi Medical Center. ” Children need to understand give and take, ” she tells WebMD. “When take is the only function they know, they tend to be frustrated.”

Accidentally Rewarding Negative Behavior

Harvey Karp, MD creator of The Happiest Toddler on the Block DVD and book, says that many parents make the mistake of simultaneously ignoring the positive and rewarding the negative. If you only notice your kids when they whine and cry, you send the message that tantrums and tears are the best way to get your attention.

Failing to put Clear Limits on Your Child’s Behavior

If you don’t set and enforce guidelines for good behavior, Buttross says, you’re likely to raise a child who is rude, uncooperative, and disrespectful. Karp adds that young kids are uncivilized by nature and part of our jobs as parents is to teach social virtues, such as patience and respect.

Not Enforcing Rules Consistently

While some parents fail to set limits, others set “mushy or inconsistent” ones, Karp says. This occurs when you tell your kids not to do something in a very passive way, but allow them to do it anyway. Examples of this may be allowing your toddler to play with food on some days, but not on others or allowing your teen to be rude and disrespectful to her stepparent on some days because you feel as if they are just hurting due to the divorce.

Not Holding Your Child Accountable

Refusing to hold your child accountable when he does something wrong sends the message that he never makes a mistake, Buttross says. This teaches your child to blame others whenever problems arise. Instead, teach your child the importance of taking responsibility for his own actions and then use firm boundaries to make sure he does so. Constantly making excuses for a child’s negative behavior teaches them to do the exact same thing when they become adults.

Giving in to Temper Tantrums

Relenting when your child throws a temper tantrum is an extreme form of rewarding negative behavior. It proves to kids that they can get whatever they want by throwing a fit; which is NOT how things happen in the real world. If your child throws a tantrum or displays negative behavior at school, there are consequences. By the same token, if they throw tantrums as an adult, there are consequences; which are often times far more severe.

Maintaining a consistent and effective approach to child discipline isn’t easy, but the benefits far out weigh the difficulty of the task. The benefits are that you end up with a compassionate child who understands boundaries, who empathizes with others and is not rude, disrespectful or manipulative. More importantly, you end up with an adult who realizes the same and doesn’t continually use excuses or blame others for their negative behavior. You end up with a person who can live in THIS world instead of their own little world.

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