Depression and Children of Divorce

The most important element to happiness for a child is the need to feel safe and loved.  During divorce, if parents aren’t careful, children can feel just the opposite.  They become stressed, worried and fearful.  This in turn causes depression.  One of the most important discussions you can have with your children about what is going to happen in the future is where they stand relative to your divorce.  Granted, some might not feel that they should involve children in grown folks business, but it is very important, as long as children are old enough to process what you are telling them, to have a productive discussion about the changes that are about to take place in their lives.  Verbally reassuring them that they are loved by both parents is not enough; you have to address their reasons for their stresses and worries.

Another important factor to consider is your non-verbal actions as parents.  How you present and carry yourself speaks volumes to your children.  Remember, actions speak louder than words, so do not make it tougher for your children during these critical times by disparaging your ex or removing yourself emotionally from your children (whether intentional or not).  This type of behavior only intensifies the burdens and feelings of loss that children of divorce carry.  Children are just that, children.  They do not need to carry your “extra” baggage.

A certain amount of sadness that children experience during divorce is normal; however, extreme and continuing sadness that is coupled with helplessness is not.  This may be a sign of depression.  Unfortunately, statistics prove that divorce is one of the leading causes of depression in children and teens.  Studies show that the rate of serious depression in children — up 2% a generation ago to 23% in children up to age 20 (www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com) not all related to divorce, but still a wake-up call for parents.  The following are warning signs that your children might experiencing depression:

• Sleep problems
• Poor concentration
• Declining grades
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Self-injury
• Change in eating habits
• Anxiety

The following are some tips to help help make your child’s lives easier during this stressful time:

• Minimize major changes, such as changing schools or relocating out of state after your divorce.  Do your best to keep some sense of normalcy in your children’s daily life.
• Be consistent with discipline.  Do not allow your children to use the divorce as a crutch for bad behavior.
• Be open to answering questions, listen to your children and be available to them at all times.
• Do not limit your child’s access to his/her other parent for your own personal vengance.  Your child deserves and has the right to love and spend time with both parents.
• Do not expect or rely on your child to help you through your recovery process.  You are the adult and they are the children.  It is unfair to rely on them for this kind of support.

Bottom line, children of divorce feel pain.  There is no way around it.  However, one of the main reasons for this pain is the mere fact that their relationships with their parents (especially the absent/non-custodial parent) is constantly being  redefined.  They don’t have the same security they once had and feelings are always being tested.  One of the most important gifts you can give them and of which, in turn, lesson you can teach them is that of stability and structure.  With being able to put your differences and feelings for your ex spouse aside from their parenting relationship with your child and thereby continuing to allow them to maintain a relationship with both parents, you can help your children allieviate some of their fears, worries and anxieties which will less likely result in their suffering from depression during this tough time in their life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The information contained in this article written by Diane Greene is not and does not constitute medical advice in any way, it is only an opinion based on personal research on the issue of depression in children of divorce.

Favorite Child…Is It Ok or Betrayal?

The subject is taboo.  It’s unheard of for a parent to admit that he or she has a favorite child.  However, research says otherwise.  A recent research survey conducted by Netmums, one of the UK’s most popular websites, indicates that one out of every six mothers has a favorite child.  In this study, over 1000 mothers were surveyed and 16% admitted that they had a favorite child.

I am sure some of you readers have felt at times like you had more in common with one of your children over the other.  At times, I have wondered how I had 3 boys that were so entirely different from one another.  I understand that differences are what makes each of your children unique and individual, but on the other hand, those same differences are also what makes them more likable, easier to love, etc. due to the fact that one child may constantly cause disruptions and stress and the other may not.  In that case,  it would be normal to have feelings of favoritism.

Albeit hard to admit,  I think the studies performed so far are wrong.  Because there is so much shame in having these feelings,  I am sure there are plenty more mothers that feel this way, but just can’t bring themselves to admit it, due to the suppression of their feelings. Once again, it’s a taboo subject, especially for a mother.  On the other hand, it’s more acceptable for fathers to have these feelings about their children. For example, a father may prefer to spend more time with his son because of common interest, as opposed to having a tea party or attending a beauty pageant with his daughter.

Dr. Ellen Weber-Libby, a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C. states, in her very interesting article entitled “Do Parents Have Favorite Children?”, that having these feelings are very normal and exist in every family.   She goes on to discuss the fact that no two children are identical which makes it impossible for any two children to be treated the same.

Some would say that favoring one child over the other is cruel.  Dr. Weber-Libby states, “Favoritism becomes cruel when consistently the same child is singled out for preferential treatment awarded because of parental bias. This child may be one of many or an only child. What is important is that the rewards experienced by the child reflect parental need to emotionally indulge the child and not the child’s behavior.” With that, Dr. Weber-Libby goes on to state, “When parents hold favorite children accountable to the same standards as other children, then the presence of cruelty is unlikely.”

We here at Today’s Modern Family are of the belief that healthy dialogue and discussion promotes change.  Being armed with this information, I wanted to conduct my own survey of our Today’s Modern Family readers.  Tell me, do you have a favorite child?  If so, do you suppress your feelings regarding the issue?  Or, are you of the opinion that having a favorite child is cruel and unusual?  I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on the matter.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Stepchildren and Discipline

A lot has been said about the stepchild/step-parent relationship.  A lot of advice has been given about making this relationship work and what the actual role of the step-parent really means.  However, when it comes to the subject of discipline and step-parenting, the biological parents, at times, swing the pendulum so far to either the left or the right that their spouse (the step-parent) has no idea where they actually stand.  This family dynamic can often times be the deal breaker in a marriage.  Granted, once you marry someone with children, it is not written in your job description that you must become a full-time parent and walk straight into the role of disciplinarian to your step-child.  However, when two families combine sometimes rules and boundaries collide.   For those biological parents who do not agree (or can’t get past their own control issues) I ask you this?  Is the school principal going to wait to call the police if your child has set fire to the building?  Will your child’s grandmother wait until you arrive to set your child straight in the event they have smart-mouthed her or broken the rules?  Albeit, my first example might be on the extreme end of the spectrum, you cannot take “adult control” out of the hands of the adult in charge of your child.  They must obey and respect the rules and boundaries of each household and the step-parent in their life (whether it’s your spouse or your ex-spouse’s partner)  – period.   In helping dissect this issue, ask yourself this question…”If you were still married to your ex-spouse, would you allow your child to disrespect him or her and get away with it or denigrate your ex-spouse for disciplining your child?”  Your answer is probably “no.”  Then, the same rule should hold true for your current spouse (obviously if there isn’t any unhealthy or abusive discipline going on).

Every individual has a different approach to life and their surroundings.  Unfortunately, for children of divorce, this is can bring major chaos into their lives, and step-parenting can become very complicated.  With that, the child must comply and get accustomed to different disciplinary approaches within each household but they must also know that the rules apply, all of the time, to everyone.  This is where a good co-parenting plan can make all the difference.  With this plan methodically laid out, each individual in the household knows what is expected of them and what the rules are.

As step-parents, yes, we have the responsibility to earn the trust and respect of our step-children.  That is a bond that takes time.  Part of building a solid, healthy relationship is not just being a “disneyland parent” or the “giver of many things” but being focused on having a positive and successful relationship with that child and this includes structure and healthy discipline.  Of course, step-parenting discipline should be backed up by the biological parents.  Children need to know that their step-parents are an extension of their parents and they are not just using this as their own authority but that of their parents in their absence.

Granted, no one agrees all of the time about discipline; however, by talking often and being fair, you can make the transition for your stepchildren smoother.  Here are some tips for you to follow:

1.  Make sure to keep to the same rules as often as you can.
2.  Biological parents must explain to their children that the step-parent can also remind them of rules AND enforce the consequences when those rules are broken .
3.  All children (whether bio or step) in the family must abide by the same rules.
4.  Create a co-parenting plan and have a family discussion about acceptable behavior in your home and the rules and responsibilities are of each individual.
5.  Never argue with your spouse about your child’s behavior in front of them.  Always discuss it behind closed doors.  This confuses and misconstrues the issues for children.

Keep an open mind and keep the lines of communication open with them.  Be honest with your children (all of them, including your stepchildren).  Let them know your expectations of them.   Lastly and most importantly, always and consistently be fair.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Lack of Discipline Leads to Spoiled Children

Lack of consistent discipline is increasingly becoming a major problem among families today. This new generation of parents is convinced that discipline means that we are abusing or unreasonably punishing our children. When in actuality lack of discipline is a form of abuse. Discipline, which comes from the root word disciple, means to teach and to guide, and when we guide our children toward positive behavior, we help them develop a healthy attitude toward life.

From my experience, stepfamilies have some of the most difficult challenges with discipline due to the complicated dynamics of the family. Often times, dad and stepmom aren’t on the same page; dad and ex-wife aren’t on the same page and mom and stepdad aren’t on the same page. All this leads to a lack of consistent discipline. Not to mention that divorced parents often make many excuses for their child’s negative behavior along the way. “She’s just hurt because of our divorce,” or “He’s just having a hard time dealing with our newly formed family.” As such, they become overly lenient and tend to overcompensate out of guilt from the divorce.  Additionally, they tend to make them feel like the whole world owes them something because their parents divorced and everything revolves around solely them and their hurt feelings.

Now, in no way am I suggesting that we shouldn’t sympathize with these children. BUT, parents should demand the same positive behavior from the children as they did prior to the divorce, or it can lead to an adult child who uses their childhood divorce as an excuse for negative behavior. And negative behavior as adult equals consequences that are far more severe than those of a child. It’s important to teach our children that while they may be hurting and we completely understand, there are still basic rules of life and consequences if those rules are broken.

Overall, lack of discipline leads to spoiled children; whether those children are part of a bi-nuclear or intact family, and absence of discipline during a child’s formative years leads to difficult challenges for them as children and adults. It truly sets up patterns that can last a lifetime. Remember that these children will eventually leave your little world and go out into the real word where their behavior will not be tolerated and it will leave them confused. For example, when little Cindy goes to school and is put in time out for slapping Billy in the face, she might say, “What do you mean I can’t slap Billy when I don’t get what I want; that’s what I do to mommy?” Or, your teen may feel it is his right to act out at school and not suffer the consequences because his parents are divorced. Remember, that children will live what they learn. They don’t go out into the real world and just know all of sudden. It is our job as parents to teach them through discipline and guidance.

Are you raising a spoiled child? Sherry Rauh, from WebMD listed 10 ways to raise a spoiled child and 6 of them are below. How many apply to you?

Making Your Child the Center of the World

Making your child’s wishes the top priority in every circumstance teaches her that the world revolves around her. This could prevent her from learning to consider other people’s needs and desires, says Susan Buttross, MD, chief of the Division of Child Development and Behavior Pediatrics at the University of Mississippi Medical Center. ” Children need to understand give and take, ” she tells WebMD. “When take is the only function they know, they tend to be frustrated.”

Accidentally Rewarding Negative Behavior

Harvey Karp, MD creator of The Happiest Toddler on the Block DVD and book, says that many parents make the mistake of simultaneously ignoring the positive and rewarding the negative. If you only notice your kids when they whine and cry, you send the message that tantrums and tears are the best way to get your attention.

Failing to put Clear Limits on Your Child’s Behavior

If you don’t set and enforce guidelines for good behavior, Buttross says, you’re likely to raise a child who is rude, uncooperative, and disrespectful. Karp adds that young kids are uncivilized by nature and part of our jobs as parents is to teach social virtues, such as patience and respect.

Not Enforcing Rules Consistently

While some parents fail to set limits, others set “mushy or inconsistent” ones, Karp says. This occurs when you tell your kids not to do something in a very passive way, but allow them to do it anyway. Examples of this may be allowing your toddler to play with food on some days, but not on others or allowing your teen to be rude and disrespectful to her stepparent on some days because you feel as if they are just hurting due to the divorce.

Not Holding Your Child Accountable

Refusing to hold your child accountable when he does something wrong sends the message that he never makes a mistake, Buttross says. This teaches your child to blame others whenever problems arise. Instead, teach your child the importance of taking responsibility for his own actions and then use firm boundaries to make sure he does so. Constantly making excuses for a child’s negative behavior teaches them to do the exact same thing when they become adults.

Giving in to Temper Tantrums

Relenting when your child throws a temper tantrum is an extreme form of rewarding negative behavior. It proves to kids that they can get whatever they want by throwing a fit; which is NOT how things happen in the real world. If your child throws a tantrum or displays negative behavior at school, there are consequences. By the same token, if they throw tantrums as an adult, there are consequences; which are often times far more severe.

Maintaining a consistent and effective approach to child discipline isn’t easy, but the benefits far out weigh the difficulty of the task. The benefits are that you end up with a compassionate child who understands boundaries, who empathizes with others and is not rude, disrespectful or manipulative. More importantly, you end up with an adult who realizes the same and doesn’t continually use excuses or blame others for their negative behavior. You end up with a person who can live in THIS world instead of their own little world.

Helping Children Develop Healthy Lifestyles and Body Images

Recently, a reader emailed a question that he had about his 11 year old step-daughter. He said that he and his wife were concerned about her weight, and fear that she might develop issues with her body image. Below is how I responded.

Kela’s response: Many parents have concerns about their child’s weight and body image, whether boys or girls, nowadays. It doesn’t help that our society has created inactive children who are prone to be overweight because of video games and television. When I was kid we had cartoons on Saturdays and the Atari, which came with like 3 or 4 built in games. We didn’t have Disney Channel 1 -35, 20 different forms of Nickolodeon and 35 different forms of Cartoon Network. We also didn’t have Wiis, XBox 360’s, PsP’s, Nintendo Ds’s, Ps3’s, etc. As such, it was normal for my brother and I to stay outside from sun up to sun down, and even when it snowed we were out building snowmen and making angels in the snow. Our generation was WAY more active.

Today’s generation is not only inactive, but they are also plagued with other stress that affects their eating habits. For example, children of divorce may be more apt to turn to food as a means of control. They may feel like they can’t control anything else that’s going on in their world, but what they do have control over is what they put in their mouths. As such, it may seem like they are overeating because they are eating all the time. The good news is that parents don’t have to sit back and watch it happen, and more importantly, can monitor the situation while teaching their children to be more in control of their choices by offering healthier choices and making lifestyle changes as a family.

You have to be really sensitive with your approach when it comes to talking to young girls and boys about their weight. My suggestion would be to not even broach the subject of weight. Kids are way too sensitive at the teens/tweens age and you might create some future body image issues. What I tell parents and have done myself, is approach it from a health standpoint. Emphasize how important it is to make healthy eating choices, and how important it is to do something active everyday. For example, I love the Wii Fit! Because it’s a video game format, it appeals to children. I encourage (okay I make) my son do 30 minutes on the Wii Fit each day. He isn’t an overweight kid or anything, but I noticed that he was choosing the wrong foods and not being as active as I would have liked, years ago. Daily exercise also release some powerful endorphins, which can help to relieve any stress that children might be experiencing.

The next thing I did was talk about his eating habits. We have a history of diabetes in our family, so I approached it from that angle; telling him how important it was to make healthy choices now, so he doesn’t have to deal with the disease that his grandpa passed away from and his uncle is dealing with now, in the future. I then realized how important it was for my husband and I to LEAD BY EXAMPLE! To this day, we keep a limited amount of junk food in our cupboards; usually healthy chips and popcorn. We don’t keep candy bars and snack cakes, or anything like that. So, when he does sneak something, it’s healthy and he can’t sneak a lot because we don’t keep a lot in the house. We have replaced junk food with healthy choices like fruit, nuts and chex mix. We have changed our lifestyle as a family; opting to go roller skating instead of going to the movies, as well as having Wii Fit challenges as a family. This overall lifestyle change has done wonders for not only our son, but our family as a whole.

It’s also important for parents not to worry too much about their child’s weight. As children grow, their bodies go through MANY different transitions. At some points they may be heavier and at others, thin as a rail. What’s most important is that you focus on healthy living, including healthy eating habits and regular exercise.

What about you? How do you encourage healthy lifestyle habits without talking about weight? Help this reader out.

A Step-parent’s Role

One of the best books that I have read is “The Courage to be a Stepmom” by Sue Patton Theole. I have read through the chapters so many times, the bind is worn and the pages are all marked up. Ms. Theole’s book teaches us how to find our place without losing ourselves as stepparents.

Are you a step-parent that wonders what exactly your role is in your step-child’s life? It is a given that there is no replacing a child’s biological parent unless of course there are extenuating circumstances. Albeit, endearing yourself to your step-children takes time and lots of patience. While some stepparents find their experience easy and extremely rewarding, for others, step-parenting is not exactly a walk in the park. A lot of the time, a step-parent feels like a substitute teacher – and we all know how we treated our substitute teachers at times.

Stepfathers often get a bad rap from their stepchildren because they are the new head of household in the daily lives of the children and the children resent him when he sets or takes the position of authority in their daily routine. On the other hand, stepmother’s have the most under-appreciated role altogether. The word “mother” is a holy word in our vocabulary. It is sacred. Therefore, it is hard for a stepmom to be appreciated by her stepchildren (due to loyalty binds) and definitely by the ex-wife even though in the absence of the ex-wife, the stepmom is usually the primary caretaker of her children.

Just as every parent makes mistakes rearing their children, step-parents are not exempt. Luckily, the mistakes that are made during the process frequently become the best learning experiences. It is our ability to make right those mistakes with our stepchildren and children for that matter, to apologize when our mistakes are not constructive to their needs, and to learn from them so that history doesn’t repeat itself.

With that being said, with your role as a step-parent during the first years of your marriage or remarriage, you should allow your step-children to make the invitation to you with regard to your relationship with them. Don’t force yourself upon them. Trying to be too much too soon to your stepchildren can often have the opposite effect you are trying to create. It may turn them off completely from you. Of course, you should always do what is normal for all parents (i.e., readily engaging them in conversation when they are with you, including them in your family activities, showing interest in their school work and activities, etc.). Allowing your stepchildren to cultivate their own impression and view of you and your relationship first, is crucial. As I have said in previous posts, titles mean nothing, relationships mean everything. Of course, once the relationship blossoms, it is your job to nurture it. Remember, your stepchildren are just that, children. Keep in mind that there may be times when your stepchild’s view might possibly become tainted by one of their parents (especially if there are issues within your blended family) but if you stay consistent with your relationship with them and continue to provide honest and open communication with them, then you have done your part. However, sometimes as stepparents, we have to purposely step aside, not from our spouses, but from whatever issue (i.e., our stepchildren themselves or the situation with the bio parent) is causing us and our stepchildren discomfort. This is called stepping out of the middle.

As the stepparent, you have to enforce the rules of your house at all times. Never allow your step-children (or children for that matter) to push the limits in your household. If there are rules that you simply cannot live without, as Ms. Theole says, it is perfectly fine for you to go to bat for it. Chances are, everyone can conform. They may balk at first, but they will get over it.

Women, more so than men, view connections between people more emotionally. We tend to get “fully invested” before we are “fully-vested” in the eyes of our step-children because we thrive on family, trust, love and compassion. We also get hurt more easily, especially when we don’t have realistic expectations. On the other hand, men tend to “step out” emotionally and forget at times that their stepchildren need to feel that they care about them. Men generally think actions speak for them all of the time (i.e., going to work every day, etc.). Men, your stepchildren need to be showed and told that they are loved with words. If you have stepchildren that you just don’t think you will ever connect with, I encourage you to view each one of them as a surprise special present. When we get a special, surprise gift, we become excited about what is in store for us. Viewing your stepchildren the same way will allow you to value the happy times and get through the bad times.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Teach Your Children to be Independent Not Co-Dependent

“Foster independence among your children. Encourage them to cook,
clean, and contribute.” — Brian Tracy

Parenting is never easy. If it were then every single person in this world would be a parent. There is no owner’s manual (unfortunately) to parenting so we often learn as we go – and that’s alright! No one is perfect and our kids should see that as well.

The quote above was so good I just had to share. Some think that the more “things” we give our kids and the more we let them have their way and the more we do things for them the better they’ll be to take on the world. But we are actually hindering their development by doing so. Lessons are always learned on the other side of a mistake. Some mistakes are worse than others but all teach a lesson. If we never let our children learn things on their own then the only thing they will know is how to be co-dependent.

Now we all want better for our children than we had it. We strive to make a better life for them and give them the things we never had. There is nothing wrong with wanting more for ourselves and our families. We just need to be careful how much importance we place on the ideology of having more things means you’re successful in life. Things are an outward way of showing success or insecurity. Some feel that they have to “keep up with the Jones’” to feel important and in doing just that they go into more debt just to put on a show. That’s not what we want to teach our children.

By having your children cook, clean, and contribute as the author of the quote above states, you are encouraging a good work ethic and also diminishing the sense of entitlement a lot of children seem to have these days. Everyone has to work for something. Whether it is a new car, a new pair of shoes, or even getting your home repaired. Children should require no less. They should know how it feels to accomplish a goal and THEN receive the reward. Not getting the reward for just being a kid (Sometimes that’s good too though – in moderation).

Having chores or having your children participate in making dinner is a great way to integrate good morals in your kids. Eating together is another way to form bonds as a family. Letting your kids have a voice is great and that encourages self esteem and self worth in your children. There is a difference in letting your kids have a voice and respecting that and letting them get their way – YOU are still the parent.

Obviously there are child labor laws for a reason so don’t take this and run with it – but there are many positive aspects in having your children become contributing members of your household. If your kids are small then let them help unload the dishwasher or let them add ingredients while baking. If your kids are tweens, let them begin to watch younger siblings in small increments of time or give them a specific part of the house that they are in charge of keeping clean. If your kids are teenagers or older, have them mow the grass or shovel the driveway in the winter, and a part-time job is also a great way to prepare them and give them a taste of the real world.

Parenting is trial and error. We all hope that the trials outweigh the errors, but like I said no one is perfect. Try and keep balance in your home between work, family time, school, and social events. The more your kids feel a part of something the better your family will run.

Tips for Step-parents

One of the most challenging and dynamic positions I have ever undertaken in my life is my role as a step-parent.  Step-parenting can find some of its participants completely unprepared for the journey that lies before them.  Taking on the joint responsibility of raising a child is not something one should take lightly.  It is a huge responsibility that at times is not only challenging and intriguing, but can also be just as encouraging and rewarding in the long term.   The Bible, in the Book of Esther, tells a beautiful story about Mordecai and Esther and their step-parent relationship.  Esther’s parents unexpectedly died and Mordecai, even though he was a cousin, stepped into the role as Esther’s father.  He loved her, took care of her and treated her as his own.  The step-relationship has a long history and every family has bumps in the road toward a successful modern family.  The word “step” originated from the word “steop” which has the meaning ”bereaved and deprived.”  As such, being a step-parent can be an undaunting and sometimes under-appreciated task.

Of course, no step-parent has all the right tools at first going into a remarriage with bonus children.  Obviously, through your own experience, there will be times where minor and even  major adjustments have to be made.  Adjustments however don’t always have to be looked at as negative.  Sometimes, we need to make adjustments in order to enhance ourselves and to make ourselves a better person, parent or step-parent.  Another  common occurrence step-parents face, usually at the beginning of their journeys, is having the unrealistic expectation that their modern family will have an immediate, harmonious family unit experience.  They go into their marriage/remarriage ”gun ho and ready to go” only to be disappointed later when they find out that the expectation stated above just wasn’t feasible.

Understanding the issues that you face as a step-parent will be an integral part of your success.  The process of understanding isn’t always easy as you may have to accept changes that you might feel don’t fit into your style of parenting, but with that, you can implement your own adjustments as well.  Striving and working together is the key but this will only work if everyone in the family has that goal.   If you have to force it, that might be your clue that the speed bumps in your modern family journey may end up being pot-holes someday.  How you understand and face those bumpy times is what is important.  Step-parenting can be very rewarding, but can also become resentful for people without the right tools.

Here are a few tips to help you navigate through your journey:

• Being a step-parent doesn’t entitle you to any “title.”  Don’t force your step-child to give you an automatic name other than your own.  Let them decide on their own.   Titles are not as important as relationships.
• Make time and spend time together as a whole family.  Albeit, it is good for a child to spend time alone with his/her own parent, keeping you (the step-parent) and the child’s step-siblings separate all of the time, keeps the family as a whole separate and leaves feelings hurt.
• Treat your step-child the way you would want your own child to be treated.  Your remarriage came as part of a package.  Although you don’t have to instantaneously love your step-child, you do love your husband or wife and your step-child is a part of them.  Treat them as if they were your own.
• Do not disparage the other parent.  This is the biggest mistake people make in their modern families.  Children of divorce have to make major adjustments in their lives, having to deal with this issue only makes it worse for them.  Remember what your parents taught you — If you have nothing good to say, keep your mouth shut!

There are also a few great books that you can turn to for help that I have personally read and were a great help to me:

• You’re Not My Mom!  Confessions of a Formerly “Wicked” Stepmother  — written by Kali and Elizabeth Schneiders — (the authors happen to be Stepmom and Stepdaughter)  Amazing!!!
• Stepmothers and Stepdaughters:  Relationships of Chance by Karen Annarino and Jean Blomquist — This is a great book!
• Stepmonster by Dr. Wednesday Martin
• The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal — This is a great book as well!

Facing adversity or road bumps is never easy, not even for us seasoned step-parents.   But if you step forward, make the necessary adjustments when need be, take care of yourself and your family, the path you travel can be positive and rewarding for both you and your modern family.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Divorce and Befriending Your Child

In the 21^st century it has become all too common for parents to be more of a friend to their child than their parent.  Some parents are more worried about their children’s peers labeling them as the “uncool parent” that they go to extraordinary lengths to befriend them.  In today’s society, teenage pregnancy is running amuck. The statistics for STD rates among teens and even tweens are growing at an enormous rate, and parents have to take some responsibility for these issues along with the children involved.  Parents are not parenting.  Instead, they are actually confiding and befriending them to the point that it has become harmful to their well-being.  Children and parents of divorced families tend to experience this issue more than traditional families.  I have talked to many parents (mostly women) who confide in their daughters and sons about everything from the dirty details of their divorces to the child support payment options.  It’s utterly ridiculous.  Children need their parents to be parents and need boundaries, they do not need friendships with their parents that border harmful behavior.

For example, I recently read a news story about a parent who even allowed their underage teen to throw a party for other underage teens and even provided alcohol for the teens because it was their belief that the teens would be safer drinking it at their home under their supervision.  Some of the teens then left the party and decided to throw small boulders off of an overpass into oncoming traffic, injuring and almost killing the motorists being subjected to such behavior.  When questioned by the police and given alcohol testing, they explained that they had been at a party at a friend’s home where the parent provided the alcohol.  The parent’s behavior in this situation not only teaches a bad example of parenting but inevitably hurt their child and other children involved in this situation.

As stated above, another situation that is not uncommon in the modern family is that of a parent who confides in his/her child about everything related to their divorce.  Usually, the non-custodial parent is on the receiving end of the chaos that this type of confusion can cause.  The other person harmed is the child.  Children do not need to know about all the pain your ex-spouse caused you.  They do not need to know how much child support he/she may or may not have paid.  They do not need to know all of their other parent’s personal business, their faults or their imperfections.  When one confides in a child about this type of information, while they think that they are securing their place in their child’s life, they are really only accomplishing the exact opposite.  A lot of the times, these types of parents will allow their children to see them frequently cry so that they (the children) will feel responsible for their parent’s happiness.  In essence, they are making their child feel guilty, insecure and unworthy because no matter what that other parent has done or not done, the child shared between them is a part of both of them.  Does a parent do this on purpose one might ask?  I don’t think that is always the case, however, I do feel that there are those few that do completely understand what they are doing.  They use their children.  The age old adage applies here, “children live and become a product of what they learn and the environment they live in” and not only do they become a product of the insecurity you are teaching them, they also become rebellious.  Hence, in the end, you have to try harder to be their parent because you have actually made them feel as if they are equal.

Remember, all of your feelings are okay - how you act upon those feelings are not.  Be a parent, not a friend.  When your children are grown, there will be plenty of time to be their parent and their friend.  BFSO readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this issue.  Do you think it’s okay to be your child’s friend?  Do you think it’s appropriate?  Or, is your stand that a parent is just that a parent and should remain firm in that role?  I invite your comments and dialogue.

Di

Tweens/Teens and Sexting

In March, 2009, USA Today reported that more than 2 dozen teens in more than 6 states were investigated on porn charges for sending nude pictures of themselves over their cell phones in this new phenomenon called “sexting.”  In April 2009, Good Morning America also reported that tweens as young as 12, who aren’t yet sexually active, are sending sexually explict, pornographic images to their peers.  The article went on to say that tweens too young to wear bras are posing topless or actually engaged in masturbation in these images.  These are frightening statistics. 

Sexting is a huge problem.  It has become the “cool” thing to do with tweens and teens.  One 14 year-old girl in the article when asked why she sent nude pictures of herself to a boy said “I felt like there was love that I never had…it really didn’t register in my mind what I was doing.”  Needless to say, after breaking up with the boy, her pictures mysteriously made their rounds through the school and another boy ended up with it and then forwarded it on to the girl’s mother.  When the girl asked the boy why he sent the picture out to others, his response was “you should have never broken up with me.”     

The issue of sexting has become so huge that people who forward pornographic images of minors are being prosecuted.  They should be! Moreover, today’s technology makes it easier and easier for these types of situations to occur.  Parents are having a much harder time controlling what their children put on the internet, what they participate in and what they see on not just the internet but on their cell phones as well.  More and more children have Facebook and Myspace pages and safety has become a huge issue for parents. I don’t care how much control one would argue that I have, I absolutely refuse to allow my 11 year old to have a Facebook, Myspace or any other social network  page.  When asked recently, my answer as you can imagine was “Absolutely NOT!”  But in today’s society, it is absolutely accepted.

The article gave some great tips from Cybersecurity Expert, Parry Aftab.  Here are 5 of them:

1.  Find your children’s profile.  Most children have more than one, but find them and scour their profiles online.   

2.  Tailor the profile to fit your child’s needs.  You can make sure no personal information is accessible..  According to Aftab, knowing why your child is online will help you guide them and to make sure they are not taking any unnecessary risks.

3.  Follow the 4 “P’s.”  Don’t let your child post anything that Parents, Principals, Predators or the Police shouldn’t see.   Everyone is looking and what you post on the internet stays forever.

4.  Snoop on your children.  You’re allowed to do that.  Look at their profiles and that of their friends.   Note from Diane:  I always say to my boys…”tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are.”  They hate this saying, but I pound it into their heads and usually, they end up finding out that I am right. 

5.  Use privacy settings.  Make sure your children use the most restrictive privacy settings available.  Aftab also suggests that children 13 and younger should not be using social networking sites at all.  The sites are illegal for children of that age and are just plain too dangerous for them to be on. 

BINGO!  My sentiments exactly. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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