Struck by Living Top Ten for Raising Teens – Julie K. Hersh

Recently I saw “Race to Nowhere” a great documentary about the stress kids face in school. I liked the film, although I wanted a “take away” from the film that provided a list of things I might do to reduce stress with my teens. I came up with this list – as always this is not a comprehensive list. I’d love to see ideas from readers about things they do to keep their teens mentally healthy.

 Increase Communication: Try to have dinner together at least three evenings a week. Engage conversation by telling teens about your day and asking them to talk about theirs. Talk about things that are important to them (friends, sports, music, art) not just the academic grill (how did you do on that test? Have you done your homework? How could you get such a bad grade??)

Advise your own children, but live your own life: Teens often do not have the experience, maturity or prefrontal cortex development to understand when they are overloading themselves. Advise them to them look at their time, abilities and help them plan realistically (e.g., 4 AP classes might not be a good idea at the same time s/he is starring in a show).

 On the other hand, try not to live vicariously through your children. It’s great to experience (again), the joy of life with children, but when a child becomes the tool to do the things parent never did (e.g, star of a sports team, be “popular” or star of the school play); the parent feeds his or her own ego and is not nurturing the child. Had an interesting example of this with my son. When he was nine years old, I got calls from a long list of select soccer coaches. They cajoled me (he’s so good!), threatened me (if he doesn’t play select he will never fulfill his potential) and played to my ego (he has enough talent to be a college player – he obviously has your athletic build). My son said – “Mom – I want to play with my friends. Plus I want to play other sports.” I let him do what he wanted. My gut feel was the friendships he would develop through a less competitive team were more important than building creating the next soccer star. This was a tough choice because I had already invested hundreds of hours in his soccer (coached his early teams, hired special coaches, drove him everywhere). I had to step back, and think long term for my child. Coaches want to fill a team for a year or three years tops. You are trying to build a child into adulthood. Keep that goal in mind.

Praise is good, Over praise leads to unrealistic expectations and a hollow win: Kids need to be able to achieve and have their work mean something. When we give a trophy for participating and not winning – we are creating future monsters of expectation and entitlement. A person has to work to win. It is okay to lose, as long a strong effort took place. But kids need to experience losing early and frequently. Failure teaches resilience.

Model life learning: When was the last time your child saw you read a book, newspaper, go to a scientific event or arts event? How can we expect our children to be curious if we aren’t? Do you love your job? Do you talk about the positive things at work at home?

Model good self care: Do you take care of yourself? Get enough sleep? Eat healthfully? Do things you love? Engage healthy discussions with your spouse or significant other in front of your kids? OR Are you the doormat for your family’s and community’s needs? Kids learn more from actions than from words. If you show them how to protect yourself, there’s a better chance they will model that behavior.

Say “NO” or limit school activities that destroy family vacations: I’m still working on this one! My 16 year-old child cut out a week of Christmas vacation because of Varsity soccer. He did not see his 85 year-old grandmother or cousins who he only sees once a year. Was this worth it? No. Will he get a soccer scholarship or be a professional soccer player? Probably not. If family is important – we need to put family first.

Provide a venue for connection with nature and exploration. When I was a kid in suburban VA, I’d explore in the woods, by myself, with friends and fighting the bullies in the neighborhood (I was an adept dirt clod fighter). I formed much of who I am in those explorations. One of my biggest regrets about living Dallas is the lack of exploratory time my kids have. I drive them everywhere, and their time is scheduled. So our family has made an effort to go places on vacation where our kids can have more freedom. Go to a small town where kids can walk or ride a bike to a store by themselves. Go to a national forest and let them do a hike by themselves (with instruction, of course). Give them opportunities to take risks, get lost and recover.

Encourage interaction with positive family members or friends outside your child’s age group. As a parent, sometimes our relationship with teens is hostile. Sometimes a grandparent, an aunt or uncle or a reliable family friend or “cool” but good older teen is better at providing comfort or perspective. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. When children are only exposed to kids in their age group, they get stuck in the landmines of that age group. Someone who has survived the age your child faces might provide better insight on how to handle the situation.

Get out of the house and turn off electronics. Get your kids to go outside – create a pick up basketball or baseball game. Encourage them to get some exercise and face to face interaction with other kids, without direct adult supervision. Brain development is enhanced by exercise and games that require coordination. Exercise also relieves stress.

Let your kids have space, but hold them accountable.  We tell our kids they have plenty of freedom until they screw up, but if they do, the screws tighten. Kids need some freedom figure out who they are. Set boundaries clearly and punishments that fit the crime swiftly. A child in a cage can’t be a creative thinker. A child without consequences learns to be corrupt at an early age. Freedom and accountability is a tough balance, but perhaps the most important one we can strive for as parents.

Recommended Reading:

Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain: John Ratey

Distracted: The Erosion of Attention and the Coming Dark Age:  Maggie Jackson

Mindset: Carol Dweck

Blessings of a Skinned Knee: Wendy Mogel

Struck by Living: From Depression to Hope: Julie K Hersh (not about teens)

For more information on Julie K Hersh and Struck by Living, please check out our website: www.struckbyliving.com

Revision 3 – 2/1/11

Recently awarded the Mental Health America Ruth Altschuler Community Advocate Prism Award and selected as one of the 2010 Distinguished Women by Northwood University, Julie Hersh is an outspoken advocate for mental health. “Despite medical advances,” Julie says, “too many people die by suicide because they are afraid to seek help.” Julie’s goal is to provide a living example that mental illness is a manageable disease. Her Struck by Living blog is featured on the Psychology Today website. Julie is also a guest blogger on the Menninger Clinic “Say No to Stigma” website.

Amy Chua Uproar

The uproar about Amy Chua’s bestselling book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, has been deafening. Many mommy tyrants have been criticizing beyond belief and even administered some death threats to Chua for what they believed to be Amy’s parenting tactics. The problem is many of her critics have yet to actually read her book, and instead, are only basing their opinions off of a Wall Street Journal essay that Chua says gravely misrepresented her.

According to Chua, WSJ contrived an essay that pieced together the most controversial sections of the book, slapped a title (that wasn’t approved by Chua) on it called “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” and claimed it was written by the Yale Law School professor. In the essay, critics went wild over what they believed her parenting tactics were, which included things like denying her children bathroom and water breaks for hours while they struggled to perform a classical music piece to Chua’s satisfaction.

Chua, however, says that her book isn’t a polemical tirade at all, but a reflection of her experiences as a tiger kid and how she has learned to alter her traditional chinese view of parenting over time. Her oldest daughter, Sophia Chua (18) supports her claim and wrote her own essay in response to WSJ, to tell the truth about her mother. Below are excerpts from that essay:

Excerpts:

–”Dear Tiger Mom, You’ve been criticized a lot since you published your memoir, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.” One problem is that some people don’t get your humor. They think you’re serious about all this, and they assume Lulu and I are oppressed by our evil mother. That is so not true. Every other Thursday, you take off our chains and let us play math games in the basement. But for real, it’s not their fault. No outsider can know what our family is really like.”

–”A lot of people have accused you of producing robot kids who can’t think for themselves. Well, that’s funny, because I think those people are . . . oh well, it doesn’t matter. At any rate, I was thinking about this, and I came to the opposite conclusion: I think your strict parenting forced me to be more independent.”

–”To me, it’s not about achievement or self-gratification. It’s about knowing that you’ve pushed yourself, body and mind, to the limits of your own potential.”

All of this talk about Tiger Parenting had me questioning whether or not I’d be considered a Tiger Mother. Although I don’t and would never be as harsh as to deny my kids food and water or other necessities in order to “push” them beyond their potential, BUT I am a more strict parent compared to friends and other parents that I’ve witnessed. Since my oldest was very young, I’ve always expected- not demanded (to me, there’s a difference) excellence.  Additionally, I don’t accept excuses of any kind. I’ve never allowed him to use the “my parents aren’t together” excuse or the fact that he had severe seizures as a kid that completely altered his fine and gross motor skills. I give him room to express himself and even to complain, but I don’t allow him to get stuck there, and always encourage himself to push beyond his potential. At the same time, I know that for a young impressionable mind, words have so much power and so, along with pushing I also give an enormous amount of praise. Every single day (literally), I tell him that he’s one of the best people I know. I tell him how special and smart he is. I tell him that he’s capable of greatness and most importantly, I tell him how much I love him. I do this so much that he says, “Mom, are you going to tell me this everyday for the rest of my life?” I respond by saying, “Yes?”

I won’t be sure if my methods work according to societal standards until he gets a little older. He’s only 13, but what I do know is that he’s been a mostly A (he’s gotten a B+ on his report card a few times) since he started school and he doesn’t accept anything less than his personal best. He never blames anyone else for what he perceives to be his weaknesses and instead works harder to improve upon them. He’s a high achiever because he wants to do well and continue to make not only me proud, but himself as well. I don’t tell him that he’s one of the best people I know because I’m his mom. I tell him that because he is.

I think Sophia said it best and it’s what I constantly instill in my oldest and will instill in my youngest (he’s only 9 months), “To me, it’s not about achievement or self-gratification. It’s about knowing that you’ve pushed yourself, body and mind, to the limits of your own potential.” If that’s tiger parenting then I guess I fit the description.

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother!

Author Amy Chua

As the tag line to Slate.com’s website says…..”Amy Chua’s new book will make her readers gasp—with horror and with envy.”  However, I ask the question ..”Do eastern  parenting styles make Western parenting styles look foolish?”  It’s all over the internet and the radio talk shows today.  Amy Chua is making waves with her ground-breaking new book titled “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.”  Her story behind book is even more interesting.  Amy is a professor at Yale University’s law school, and believes in the Chinese custom of “eating bitterness” instead of the mediocre, Western  hyper-parenting. 

I wanted to post about Amy and her new book today because although I don’t agree with all of what she has to say, I do agree with a lot of it.  For example, in our Western society, we are so caught up with making sure our children “like us” or consider us their “friend,” that we forget to parent them.  For example, Western society tends to tip-toe around the issues surrounding our children in these days and times.   Take the issue of weight.  If our child is overweight, we tip-toe around him or her as to not hurt their self-esteem.  Easterners do the exact opposite.  They flatly tell them they are fat and need to lose weight.  Take the issue of grades.  If our child brings home a B, we give our children accolades.  In Eastern society, an A- is unacceptable.   Their belief in demanding excellence from the beginning does seem right to me but at the same time their approach seems to be a bit much.

As stated in the Slate.com article, Chua presents her “chinese mother” approach rooted in a heritage she says will be alien to “westerners” but familiar to  to Asian-Americans strictly reared to excel, as she was by her immigrant parents.   Their philosophy is simple:  Embark on the talent-building process very early, assume the child is exceedingly sturdy, expect great feats of mastery, don’t indulge youthful autonomy, demand family loyalty above peer popularity and activities.  Its an immigrant striver’s credo.

As stated above, Amy Chua’s new book will make every single reader cringe; it is being talked about on radio talk show stations to blogs across the world.  I look forward to reading this book.  What do you think TMF Readers?  I would love to hear your thoughts. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Teens, Tweens: Teaching Them to Navigate the Real World

I have to admit that I got the title of this post from reading my favorite magazine, Family Circle, wherein Rosalind Wiseman has the “Ask Rosalind” section.  Rosalind is not just an educator but also an author who works with kids, parents and schools on the very real issues of peer pressure, bullying prevention and media literacy.  Needless to say, she is my absolute favorite so I am going to piggy back on the information provided in the January 2011 issue because it has been on my mind for a while to post about same.

It seems in our fast-paced society of social networking sites like Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Tumblr… our children are growing up so fast.  In fact, some teens and even tweens are having sex earlier than in times past, smoking, drinking and leading lives that can end up being destructive.  Navigating the real world in this day and age is a daunting task and one that we, as parents, really need to focus more on in order to help them get there without going down the destructive path that some have decided is the only way to go.  In Rosalind’s article, she references two parents who learned that their 15 year old had sex with her boyfriend.  The parents grounded their daughter and forbid her to see him again.  I loved Rosalind’s advice.  She advised them to re-read Romeo and Juliet because that was the dynamic that they had just created.  She told them to face the fact  their response did not address the goals, which are to help their daughter develop into a sexually responsible adult and to have her boyfriend respect their values.  Rosalind is right.  With this situation, it is important that we have an open discussion with our child and try to step back and try to see their position.  By doing this, we only build a more trusting relationship with them.  We don’t have to condone the behavior but we need to realize that our reactions to these type of situations will control the way the whole conversation with our children will go and the lesson they take from it in general.  We have to remember that we cannot fall into the “out of touch” parent category because of how we were raised or because of how “things were” when we were younger.  Our children are living in a totally different world than we once lived in.  Now, obviously, I am aware that “taboo” teen sex has been going on, but in today’s world, we have to remember that it is almost expected even if we obviously don’t agree with it. 

I feel one of the most important things we can teach our tweens and teens is that we can trust them to have some independence but as Rosalind says, “freedom has its limits.”  Our tweens and teens need to know that they can rely on us and our responsibility to them is to teach them how.   We have to have open conversations with them about the dangers of STD’s and the dangers of too much social networking. We have to get them away from the television and out of the house to explore nature and we have to let them know how absolutely precious they are to us.

Listen parents, even though we are gauged to keep and try to protect our children from all harm, danger and even bad life decisions, they have to and will make these decisions sometimes whether we like them to or not.  Life happens when we aren’t around and that is something we have to accept.  However, by being loving, open and even by giving our children a little space to make the right choices, we give them so much more than just advice. We teach them how to make adjustments along the way.  Those adjustments  or as I like to call them “survival skills” will be what carries them through life.

To learn more about Rosalind’s work and programs, go to www.rosalindwiseman.com.  You won’t be disappointed!

Happy New Year,
Diane

Not All Pink For This Baby Girl!

We welcomed little Miss Blaire into the world on September 12th and she’s been stealing hearts ever since. She’s a healthy bouncing baby girl and her parents couldn’t be any more proud. It’s no wonder that this little princess needed a room fitted for her little tiara wearing self. But no traditional pink for this baby. Oh no, not with a mother who is a self-proclaimed lover of all things purple. Add a little green and there you have it! Baby Blaire’s nursery color scheme is complete.

Blair’s mother was inspired by the colors in an adorable baby shower card. With that in tow we went hunting for the perfect shades of purple and green paint at Home Depot and walked out 5 minutes later. Score! That was the easy part. We scouted a nearby Target for the perfect wall art. Score again! Very cute and girly white 3D butterflies. Michael’s had the perfect stencils (However, I don’t recommend using paper stencils when painting. The paint got underneath the stencil which required a lot of stencil clean up by hand) and mirrored flower and butterfly shaped wall decals were found at Babies “R” Us. The furniture and rug are from Buy Buy Baby. Pillows were purchased from Home Goods, which is one of my favorite places to shop for accessories. The white pillow with the star was custom-made by a friend of her grandmothers creating the perfect touch to the nursery. The futon and wall coverings were already in place which turned out great. The stuffed animals are courtesy of her mommy.

The challenging part of this room makeover was…you guessed it! The stripes on the wall. This was actually my first time attempting to paint stripes. It was a really fun project. I definitely learned a lot. You must measure, measure, measure! That’s really the only way to ensure you’ll be pleased once you remove the tape and your stripes are revealed.

I must say this project was a real treat. I started a little over a week before Baby Blaire was born and it was a lot of fun to see her settling into her new digs. Her mother picked out much of the decor so painting and styling was all that was required. This room is now fit for the princess affectionately known by her family as Blaire Bear. By the way…no repainting this room till she’s 16 *wink*. Enjoy, Blaire!

Raynée Crowe, TMF’s primary modern home contributor, is an interior decorating consultant who ironically never considered herself creative, and then one day the ‘ol proverbial light bulb went off. Her love for mixing and matching colors, patterns and decorating had manifested itself into daydreaming of color swatches, textiles and room arrangements. That passion and excitement grew and soon it was pure enjoyment as she worked with friends and clients to select color pallets, accessories, furniture and arrange spaces. Finally she understood the saying “if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life” and so in 2008 Color Vision LLC was born. For more information, you can email Raynee at yourcolorvision@gmail.com. For more great tips and ideas, check out her blog at www.yourcolorvision.wordpress.com.

Dealing With Stress of a New Baby

Babies are super cute, soft, cuddly and they just melt your heart with the soft blink of their eyes or that unintentional smile. However, there is a dark side that no one tells you about bringing home your little darling and that is they come with an enormous amount of stress. Sleepless nights, unpredictable schedules, poopy diapers and constant attention can often times wreak havoc on a couple; as if our modern families aren’t complicated enough. Because everything is about the baby and initally, most of the responsibility of caring for the baby falls on one of you, when the excitement of the baby wears off, some couples find themselves estranged.

A month or so ago I remember one of the ladies on Momversation brought up this very topic. Heather Armstrong from Dooce chimed in by saying that when she and her husband first had children, it took them a while to develop that “tag team” dynamic. I thought that was a cute and appropriate way of putting it because you really do have to have some superb teamwork in order to handle a baby AND maintain your sanity and marriage.  Below are some things that my husband and I have learned as we work together to raise our little cutie, make time for the older boys, ourselves AND  each other.

1. Realize that you are experiencing a normal situation and it doesn’t mean that you can’t get back that lovin’ feeling.
2. If you’re missing your spouse, let him or her know that. I know that not eating or sleeping right can make you cranky and irritable all the time, so sometimes it just may good for your spouse to hear, “I miss you.”
3. If either of you are feeling overwhelmed, talk about it and work together to divide household chores and parenting duties.
4. Make sure both of you have time away from the baby for at least one hour per day (this is for my stay at home parents). You need that time to rejuvenate so that your body doesn’t completely shut down. Don’t cook or clean during this time (that is not a break)! Put your feet up, watch your favorite show, go visit a good friend or take a hot bubble bath by candle light.
5. After you put the baby to sleep, carve out 30 minutes of “grown up” time. Talk to each other, cuddle, have some dessert together or you may even have time for a “quickie.”
6. Realize that this too shall pass. This is just a phase in your lives. Remember, babies grow up, eventually sleep through the night and become less and less dependent on you. Try to keep this in mind and instead of being consumed by the stress, enjoy this sweet little baby while he or she is young.

Parenting by Example

I love Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar! I learn so much from them just by watching their hit reality show, 19 Kids and Counting. As I watch how they manage to keep their huge family in line, I am astonished at how they do so with so much grace, peace, patience and understanding. I’m sure having a family that big comes with many different personalities and increased chances for conflict and frustration, but I am amazed at how Jim Bob and Michelle keep together. They are truly living examples for their children and to be honest, for me as well. 

 For a second, imagine if you will, trying to get 18 kids (their oldest is married and out of the house) ready to leave to go to the dentist, on vacation, to church or anywhere for that matter. I know that I personally get frustrated trying to get my 8 month old ready so that I can take my 13 year old to school every morning. I have to make sure he’s fed and changed, make sure my 13 year old has had a good breakfast, remind him to get everything he needs so that I don’t have to make a trip back to the school, pack up the diaper bag, put the dog in his room…All while the baby is fussing, my oldest is asking me to sign some permission slip, the dog is chewing on a foreign object…whew! It definitely gets overwhelming with just two children at times. Can you imagine 18? But as I watched the Duggars getting ready to leave for an outing I noticed that similar events occur with them as well. With 18 kids at home, multiple kids were fussing; others were running around playing when they were supposed to be getting ready; some weren’t morning people and just didn’t want to get up and a few were straggling behind when everyone else was in the car and ready to go. However, what amazed me was Mr and Mrs. Duggar’s reaction to it all.  Although they gently but firmly encouraged their children to hurry up, no one yelled, got upset or openly frustrated. They both just kept their cool and when asked by a camera man if they ever got frustrated, Jim Bob replied, “Of course we do. But when we had kids we decided that we would lead by example and react to stressful situations the way we want them to react.” He went on to say that he’d rather just enjoy his family than get upset over things like being late or the kids’ toys being in the middle of the floor.

That statement and watching the Duggar family in action has really stuck with me. As I navigate through my sometimes complicated modern family life, that one statement constantly reminds me of what’s really important. I know that I am not perfect and don’t always react to stressful situations the way I know I should and ideally would want to, however; I do want to be a living example for my boys. I want to teach them that no one can steal your joy unless you allow them to and calmly reacting to a stressful situation is more about them than it is about the other person. Learning to let certain things roll off your back not only keeps YOUR stress levels down, but it provides an example for the other party; be it your children, husband, an ex-spouse, co-worker, friend or stranger.

As I said earlier, I am a work in progress but I am thankful for the opportunities to learn these life lessons and apply them to my own life, while on my journey. Being in a stepfamily provides many opportunities to practice as I work to get it right. Until then, I’m grateful to learn by watching families like the Duggars.

Today’s Modern Family’s Top 10 Mom Must-Haves

Star of Bethenny Getting Married, Bethenny (Frankel) Hoppy and actress, Jessica Alba both admit to a night nanny being a must have. Modern momma, actress and star of hit reality show, Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, Tori Spelling swears by the Orbit stroller. Star of the movie, “The Kids Are Alright,” Julianne Moore says that traveling with mozerella cheese sticks and crackers for her two kids is a must have and modern momma and actress, Nia Long says that having her “Nia” time is a must!

But whether or not you’re a celebrity, most days modern mommas are juggling so many things that it feels like they have a celebrity’s schedule. If you’re a modern single momma who’s having to do it all, you probably can’t or should I say, shouldn’t, live without your “me” time. If you’re a modern stepmomma, raising someone else’s kids, a glass of wine may top your must have list. If you’re a modern working momma, a routine is probably essential for you.

We checked with some Today’s Modern Family modern momma readers and friends to see what their mom must haves were and compiled a list of the top ten. Because we are advocates of our modern mommas taking good care of themselves and we know must haves don’t have to be specifically for the kid, we encouraged our readers and friends to list something that they personally need to get them through mommyhood. Are any of your must haves on the list? If not, add them in the comment section.

As a new mom (again) to a 4 month old cutie pie and mom to a 13 year old, I must agree with number 1 on the list; ten minute power naps. Delina Hill-Brooker, co-author of Revealing and Healing, says that there’s nothing like a 10 minute power nap to quickly rejuvenate yourself. Another one of our modern mommas said that a glass of Berringer White Zifindale does the trick for her. McDonald’s Ice Coffee is another one of our modern mommas drink of choice. She said that it’s a definite mom must have.

Spicy Wifey co-founder and celebrity make-up artist, Quin says that she can’t live without her Jaime Earl Organic Skin Care line!

Many of our modern mommas confessed to not getting enough of paper plates. The less dishes they have to do the better and I must agree!

Studies do show that exercise releases endorphins that make you happy and a few of our  mommas can’t live without that gym time.

As a mom and stepmom, with kids coming and going like ping pong balls, a rountine was essential especially when my son and stepson were very young. Modern single momma of 5, Chamar Folson couldn’t agree more. A rountine tops her list of mom must haves.

 ”As a mother of 5 children, the most important thing for me is a concrete evening schedule. Children thrive on structure and it helps keep them well rounded when they get older,” explained Folson.

Author of bestseller, Mircales of my Mistakes, and divorced modern momma of 5, T.Smith, swears by Godiva’s dark chocolate maccroons – yummy. 

Several of our mommas must have  daily meditation or spiritual time with God. Modern momma, Jina Helms said that she worships God daily through song on her way to work and on her way home, and won’t go a day without it.

“It’s my woosah moment and keeps me prepared for all of my jobs; mom, wife and employee,” said Jina.

design by Tiffany Kendall of Glass House Coutoure

CEO and lead designer of Glass House Coutoure and modern single momma, Tiffany Kendall, said that she can’t live without removable wall decals. She says they are a must have for moms because they can easily personalize their kid’s room with them.

As a working mother, I can definitely relate to more than a few of the above. I can’t function without a daily dose of “Kela” time, those 10 minute power naps are a great “pick me up” and paper plates save me time on doing the dishes. What about you? Tell us what you just can’t live without.

Baby Names Inspired by Hit Movie Twilight

Bella and Edward

Okay, I shamefully admit that I am a huge fan of the Twilight movies.  Yep, you read correctly, I am an over 30 year old wife and working mother of a 13 year old (who can’t stand Twilight, by the way) and 4 month old and stepmother to an almost 14 year old, and I love Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse. I also like the books, by stay at home mom, Stephenie Meyer, that started the whole phenomenon.Well apparently there are a whole lot of Twilight mommy fans out there because many are choosing to name their babies after the characters.

According to the Social Security Administration these character names are fast climbing the charts of the most popular baby names in the U.S. Names like Isabella (the full name of Kristen Stewart’s Bella character) replaced Emma as the most popular baby name for girls in 2009. Among the boys, Jacob (the werewolf played by Taylor Lautner) retained its 11-year-run at the top of boys list. Additionally, we are seeing more and more Jaspers, Emmetts and Alices pop up in 2009 and 2010. And they didn’t forget about Edward (the leading vampire played by Robert Pattinson). The name Edward posted only a modest rise of 11 spots on the list to reach No. 137, says the SSA, but Cullen (his last name) was the fastest rising name among boys, soaring 297 places to land at No. 485.

As a new mom, again, as my first time was 13 years ago, I know how exciting and overwhelming it can be to choose the perfect name. Although I opted not to go for a Twilight inspired name for my baby boy, I think choosing such a name is very modern and see nothing wrong with moms getting inspiration from movies, books, soap operas or the Bible. Just remember that choosing the perfect name need not be so pressure filled as so many moms literally stress themselves out over choosing the perfect name.  Have fun with it, go with what inspires you and not everyone else and don’t rush. It’s perfectly okay to choose a name, once he or she is born, that fits your baby’s personality perfectly.

For a little help, check out Baby Names World or Baby Name Stats or watch your favorite movie and get inspired!

Good luck to all my modern day pregnant mommies out there!

Teaching Kids to Deal With Disappointment

I subscribe to the Daily Babble newsletter and this week the very first article immediately caught my attention.  Teaching Kids About Disappointment was the title of the article; written by Harlyn Aizley, author of Confessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological Lesbian Mothers Tell All. The subtitle to this article was Why Are We So Afraid To Tell Children That Life’s Not Fair?

Harlyn’s article was about five year olds being disappointed at a birthday party, but it was the grander message that I found really thought provoking. Afterward, I pondered on the very question that she raised in her article; why the hell are we so afraid to tell our children that life sometimes isn’t fair?

As an ex and a stepmom I am well aware that life hasn’t always seemed fair for our children. The families, as they knew them, dissolved right before their very eyes. My son’s father lives out of the country for ten months of every year, which means he doesn’t get to see him very often.  He and my stepson are only 3 months apart and went from being only children, with the attention all on them, to having to share the attention with the other and with us. When my husband and I got together, they were barely 4 years old and I can totally see how life seemed unfair to them then and even now. After all, dad isn’t always able to be at school plays or basketball games because one (my ex) lives out of the country and my stepson’s dad (my husband) doesn’t live in state with him. However, from day one, I have been an advocate of empowering my son to accept change and define happiness or “normal” for himself. It is the reason that my ex and I have never attempted to alter my son’s reality. Dad is in Spain because that’s where his job is and mom lives in the states. I wasn’t going to move to Spain so that he could be closer to him. We don’t vacation together for his benefit (not knocking those who do, by the way) and we live our lives separately because we are no longer together.  Instead of altering my son’s reality I was successful in getting him to embrace this change and then define his new normal. I told him that yes dad works out of the country and you don’t get to see him very often, but that just means when you do see him it will be that much more rewarding. Instead of encouraging him to be angry about sharing me with two other people, I told him that he would now have a best buddy, whom he had a lot in common with, to create special memories with. Additionally, he would have a full time father figure to do things with that mom is no good at, like playing baseball or Yu-Gi Oh. Over time, he began to see my point and now, his modern family is normal to him and he’s very happy with it!

That being said, I never encouraged my son to suppress his feelings. I acknowledged his angry, hurt, sad, and confused feelings. I told him that he was absolutely justified in feeling the way that he did; however, I have never allowed him to use his circumstances as a crutch. Life sometimes sucks is what I told him, but you have to make the best out of whatever cards you are dealt. This is the way things are now and they are never going to be the way they were, so how do we move forward with what we have?

His life over the past 10 years has afforded him some life long lessons that he will take with him when he becomes an adult. The truth is, is that life isn’t always fair and nobody is going to twist and bend like a pretzel to make sure you are never disappointed. Life is full of disappointments! Additionally, you have to learn to move forward and choose to be happy instead of angry or victimized. Giving into that anger is what permanently scars you; not the disappointments themselves. It has also taught him that he is in charge of his happiness; not his dads, his moms, his siblings or anyone else. Finally, it has encouraged him to accept and embrace change because although it’s uncertain, it doesn’t mean that it won’t be worth it.

I realize that what I’m saying is easier said than done, believe me I do. As a mom who always wants to protect her cubs, there have been times when I have wanted to give my son whatever he wants just so that he doesn’t have to feel pain, hurt or disappointment. But then I realized that doing so means that he will never be equipped to handle the real world and all the real life challenges that it brings.  Allowing our children to appropriately deal with and accept disappointment teaches them to live in this world and not some world that is designed specifically for them.

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