Thanks so much for your comments.

Let me clarify who this article is for…it is for moms; full time stepmoms, insta moms, part-time stepmoms, and moms! While I completely understand and agree with your notion that when you love your children and/or stepchildren, you will do everything in your power to help them, it is not healthy for you or your kids, to sacrifice your mental health to do so! There are way too many moms and stepmoms reaching for antidepressants for me to be okay with telling them otherwise. You cannot be the best mom or stepmom if you are falling a part at the seams and taking time to take care of you is completely okay. It is okay to say no sometimes. It’s okay to indulge in some regular “me” time. It is okay to ask for help. It is our right, no our duty, to take care of ourselves so that we can in turn take better care of our families. This article is not telling stepmoms not to love and SUPPORT your stepchildren. It is advocating for a healthy balance, whether your stepchildren live with you or not, so that you can maintain a joyful mind. All moms need that, step or not, and you are not hurting your children by expecting it.

~Kela

Secondly, this article provides some fantastic points as we all should surround ourselves with people who will hold us accountable without judging. We need people who will tell us what we NEED to hear as opposed to what we WANT to hear; people who truly want what’s best for us and our loved ones; people who want to see us improve ourselves so that we may get the most out of life. Think about this…how many conflicts, be it with someone else or yourself, in your life may have not escalated had you had someone to be that voice of reason when you were unable to?

Thanks for this article, Diane!

~Kela

I can relate to scheduling difficulties because for a long while I was the primary caregiver for my son and stepson. I was also working full-time but because my job was the most flexible, most of the parenting duties fell on my plate. It was exhausting, both mentally and physically, and eventually I got burnt out! It’s easy to fall into the “who else is going to do it, or I’m the only one” trap. Falling into this trap means that you slide further and further down on the priority list and as you can see, it becomes a detriment to your mental health. I don’t want you reaching for antidepressants and if you must, I don’t want you on them long. So, let’s modify your lifestyle a bit to include time for YOU!

Some simple things you can do are:1) make sure you take at least 30 minutes per day just for you. This can be when the kids go to bed, in the morning before they get up or at nap time (if you have younger kids). 2) Create a personal space in the house that is just for you. Name it, claim it and make it off limits to everyone else in the house. 3) Meditate and pray because doing so not only allows you to have one on one time with your Creator but it also allows for some much needed quiet time at a certain point during the day. 4) Don’t be afraid to take an adult time out!! If you’re feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious…don’t be afraid to call your support system to tell them that you need them to take over for a few hours while you collect yourself. If you don’t have a reliable support system, don’t be afraid to explain to your children that mom needs to take a time out! Go to your personal space for a few minutes, regroup and then come back to your children. 5) Last, but not least, connect with people who understand what you’re going through. If you can’t find anyone, give me a call or shoot me an email when you’re feeling frustrated. Often times it helps just to vent, without judgement, to someone who understands.

I hope these little tips help and please keep me posted on how you’re doing.

Grace and Peace,

~Kela

Even couples who have prenups can have joint finances, investments and savings. I believe in separating individual assets BEFORE a marriage (and that’s the only reason to even have a prenup, although most states do that naturally), but everything accumulated DURING a marriage should be marital. Otherwise, the “me” mentality will prevail and seep into all the other areas of the relationship.

My first marriage (20 years together, 16 of them married) was a total “We”. My ex-husband was a real family guy. We had one joint account our whole marriage, where we both deposited our salaries. We would pay our bills out of that account and what was left we saved. There was a lot of trust on both sides. We were both financially responsible. If we wanted to buy something a bit more expensive, we discussed it. When my husband got a hefty bonus from work, he came to me and asked me what I wanted. Then he got himself a nice watch and with the rest we took the kids to Disney! When my aunt who never married died and left me a bit of money, I used it towards our house payment. I never though that was MY money. Conclusion: in 16 years, we never had ONE argument about money. We were a family. I felt protected and loved. We took care of each other. Even our divorce was peaceful and without any conflicts (we married young and unfortunately fell out of love).

Enters marriage number 2: my current husband was very hurt by an ex-wife who cheated on him. When he met me, all he thought of was a way to protect his very small business. It took him 8 years to marry me because of his negative experience. I was loyal and supportive and would always discuss his business and give him ideas. However, he never let me help him there, and never taught me anything. His business grew more after we got married in 2006. He insisted on a 23 page prenup which was very one-sided and unfair to me. I signed it because I wanted to get married to him for so long, was in love, and had hopes the prenup wouldn’t be a problem.

Basically the total financial separation has destroyed our marriage. My husband never let me be involved in his business. In any way. No helping him, no helping decorate, nothing, nothing. I’m a good professional with excellent people and computer skills, who could have helped him considerably, for free (and have his best-our-interest at hand). I have spent every holiday, evening and Saturday alone since we got married because he has to/wants to work those days and I cannot be there. He has allowed his male employees to bring their girlfriends and wives to work there, while I, the owner’s wife, could never even help on Saturdays, the busiest day (I have a Monday to Friday job).

We have completely separate finances, just like he wanted. We do not have any joint bank account. I have no idea how much money he makes. He can hide money if he wants, even though he’s been struggling lately. He pays for our rent, I pay for everything else that concerns me and my two College kids from my first marriage. Because he makes a lot more money than I do, I cannot afford some nice things a wife of a businessman could (like having my hair done in a salon) or buying nice clothes. I have to save on my own whatever is left from my salary after paying for health insurance for myself, him and my kids, car insurance, medical bills, gasoline, food and other necessities. When I was unemployed for 2 months he never asked me if I needed anything (it was my problem..).

We don’t build together for the future, we don’t invest together. We constantly fight about money. It’s always who paid for this, who paid for that. He never ever uses the pronoun “We”, for anything. If I have a friend’s birthday party to go to, I cannot afford a nice gift (even though he also goes to the party). When both my kids graduate next year (Medical school and College), I will not be able to give them a nice gift with my income only. Even though my husband owns a small car dealership, I had to buy my own car. He drives dealership cars.

The lack of common goals and a common future (what happens to him or to me does not affect the other) has transpired to every other area of our marriage. His selfishness is astounding. He forgets my birthday and does not buy me any birthday gift (not even on my 50th bday!!). He does not care if I have many unused vacation days. Not being able to participate in his business while being left alone all the time has created an enormous resentment on me.

The marriage is poisoned and I want out after 5 years. That’s my story. It saddens me that some people see marriage this way now. By the way, my daughter who is becoming a MD shortly said she will never marry with a prenup. And she will have a very good income by being a doctor. She’s 24.

Thanks for the mention.