Comments for blended family soap opera

Comment on Depression and Children of Divorce by Depression and Children of Divorce : blended family soap opera · Staringfrog.com

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 21:17:17 +0000

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Comment on How Do Children Really Feel About Divorce? by Derek

Derek — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 07:11:17 +0000

When me and my ex-wife had a divorce early this year, we tried our best to explain it to our kids and for them to accept it soon. My ex-wife used a kids’planner/organizer which really helped them cope up with this situation. So far, they have been doing ok.

Comment on How Do Children Really Feel About Divorce? by admin

admin — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 04:28:22 +0000

Hi Glad,

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I always appreciate hearing the child/adult child’s of divorce insight. Your comments further confirmed the primary message of the article. Parent spend more time on giving their children what they THINK they want instead of giving them what they need. More time is spent on trying to play house (in this day and age) or trying to be the disneyland parent, removing all rules and routines. Or, they go to the other extreme and fight all the time, while putting their children in the middle and discouraging meaningful relationships with either parent. Kids need and want security, consistency, predictability, routines, rules and normalcy. You’re right, it’s much deeper than marital status and/or living arrangements.

Thanks for stopping by and please continue to share your insight with our readers.

Warmly,

*Kela*

Comment on How Do Children Really Feel About Divorce? by Glad

Glad — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 23:59:13 +0000

I am a child of divorce (twice over) and a step mom. I can tell you, as a child I never once wished my parents would get back together. For me, the fall out of the divorce consisted of a over-worked, distracted mother who didn’t have time to mother me; a father who I only saw every other weekend, who was too busy ensuring we had fun to be a father figure; we no longer had visits to my cousins and my grandparents as frequently, so those ties were broken; I lived in a home with step brothers who wanted their dad to themselves and a conflicted, guilt-ridden step father … none of the issues from my parents divorce had anything to do with them being together. My sadness and grief came from losing the home I knew, the security I counted on, the routines I trusted. The rug was ripped out from under me, and no one thought to explain why.

My point is, the loss divorce brings to children is often deeper than simply the parents being married and living together.

Comment on Take a Mental Vacation to Avoid Stress by Julie M

Julie M — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 22:20:22 +0000

I love doing this! I take what I call a “memory trip” each night before I go to sleep, and after a tough day of being a teacher, wife, and stepmom, it always relaxes me and sends me off to sweet dreams. I like to visualize a fun trip or memory from my past, and although I love perching myself poolside in Palm Springs or tuckin myself away in a cozy cabin in the Sierra Nevada, my favorite place to let my memory wander is my grandparents’ home.

This may not seem a typical place for a mental get-away, but I loved going to my grandparents’ house as a child, and it’s such a treat for my senses as I imagine the taste of the little Danish sandwiches my grandma made, or reminisce about the delicate aroma of her prized peonies. I visualize the dish of M&Ms she always set out, and can appreciate the intricately carved wooden sculptures my grandfather made that I hardly took note of as a child. In my mind, my grandparents’ piano still has the sheet music open to “Puff the Magic Dragon,” and when I sneak into my grandmother’s medicine cabinet, I can still catch the faint taste of her lipstick that I secretly sampled and the Chanel No. 5 I dabbed behind my ears–just the way I’d seen my grandmother do it so many times before.

My grandparents have been gone for several years now, but it’s still fun to let my mind wander back to a time when my life felt simpler, yet full of love, protection, and comfort.

Comment on The Stepmom Stepback by admin

admin — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 22:15:48 +0000

I agree with this advice, Julie. Example 1 is a Lady of the House issue and I would even say that you don’t need to ask your husband to remind stepkid of anything. If you and your husband create a co-parenting plan outlining expectations, rules and consequences, and one of the rules is cleaning up after yourself, you don’t have to wait on husband to remind stepkid of the rule and/or enforce the consequence.

Example 2 is definitely a parenting issue. The parents could be making a huge mistake in choosing a school or waiting too long to do so, but guess what, that’s not your issue, nor is it is your responsibility to intervene and choose a school for them. Don’t take on unnecessary responsibility or stress and allow the parents to parent unless it affects you.

Thanks for stopping by!

*Kela*

Comment on The Stepmom Stepback by Julie M

Julie M — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 22:03:17 +0000

Yes! I learned this about a year and a half into my great stepmom adventure. On a website targeted specifically for childless stepmoms, they have a name for this stepping back–”Lady of the House.” The wise women there advised me to only get involved in an issue if it was something that directly affected me and/or our home. On the flipside, they cautioned against getting involved in what they referred to as “parenting” issues.

Example #1: Your stepkid keeps throwing his coat and shoes in the middle of the doorway and you don’t want it there. Lady of the House rule of thumb says I can step in and instruct my stepkid to pick up after himself, or, I can ask my husband to help out in reminding my stepkid. It’s part of the house I live in, after all, so it affects me.

Example #2: It’s time for your stepkid to go off to kindergarten, but no one has decided which school to send him to. This is not a Lady of the House issue, although you probably have an opinion, too. You should feel free to express your opinion (especially if it’s solicited), but remember that this is a parenting issue, and not one that really directly affects you (unless you’ll be responsible for shuttling stepkid to and from school). It’s also important to keep in mind that although you can express your opinion, the bio-parents don’t have to accept it. This is tough, as there are many times you might disagree, but you have to accept the fact that if a bad decision was made, it wasn’t on account of you, and, as far as I know, no one has ever blamed a stepparent when a kid turns out to be a bad seed!

Comment on How Do Children Really Feel About Divorce? by Diane Greene

Diane Greene — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 19:00:49 +0000

My sentiments, exactly! Great job!

Comment on How Do Children Really Feel About Divorce? by admin

admin — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 18:34:40 +0000

Thanks, Diane! I think we both see examples of extreme divorced parenting when counseling clients. I’ve witnessed younger children who are confused because mommy and daddy seem to get along great. After all, they are all spending so much time together and they seem happy. “So why can’t they just get back together, they ask?” I’ve also witnessed older children who KNOW and verbalize things like, “My mom (or dad) isn’t going to do anything anyway.” They know what they can get away with and what strings (usually it’s the my parents are divorced emotional strings) to pull in order to get away with things. Parents must be understanding of their child’s circumstances while not giving them the excuse of divorce by allowing their negative behavior. It’s important not to fight or play house after the divorce. Either extreme is often times, not good for the child. Kids rely on their parents to bring clarity back into their lives as they are confused enough as it is.

*Kela*

Comment on How Do Children Really Feel About Divorce? by Diane Greene

Diane Greene — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 17:33:07 +0000

This is a fantastic post. Your focus on not making your children your “therapist” is so important. And, in particular, the issue of “guilt.” This is one of the main mistakes both parents tend to make. However, I see it happen much more in the case of the mother, especially if Dad has moved on and remarried before Mom does. I have seen it time and time again where parents tend to make their children feel guilty, in very subtle ways (i.e., little comments, speaking to someone else in front of or in ear shot of their children about the other), for them wanting to have and spend time with their other parent. I personally experienced this in my life as a child of divorce and it was horrible. Making your child responsibile for your adult feelings and making them feel guilty ruins their self-esteem and can also lead to them experiencing depression and anxiety.

Kela, thank you once again for such an enlightening post!