Blended Family Co-Parenting Tips

May 30, 2008 By Leave a Comment

1. Sit down with your husband to discuss a list of house rules and consequences. Make sure you agree that the rules will apply to all children involved, whether they’re biological or step children.

2. Sit down with the children to make sure they understand these rules as well as the consequences.

3. Don’t try to get the ex-wife to agree with you. She should not be involved in determining the rules of your household.

4. Make sure you let your husband know how important it is that you have his support. If you agree on a set of house rules and consequences you BOTH need to present a unified front and follow through. If not, you are going to continually look like the bad guy.

5. Don’t take a backseat and allow your stepchildren to run your household by referring all matters to your husband. You are an adult and shouldn’t have to wait until your husband gets home to enforce consequences.

6. Realize that you cannot please everyone in the family so don’t ever try to take on that responsibility!

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Challenging Role of Stepmom

May 30, 2008 By 2 Comments

The stepmother generally has the most challenging role within the blended family. We are expected to bear most of the responsibility of running the household, yet receive less respect. Ex-wives must know that we are the ones who take care of their children when they are in our home. They so graciously allow us to feed them; take care of them when they are sick; and tuck them in at bed time. Yet, we can’t discipline them or follow our own house rules because we must follow theirs.

Often times it’s a no win situation for stepmothers. At one point in my own blended family when I saw things were getting way to tense between the ex-wife and I; I tried to take a backseat, thereby lessening the interaction with my stepson. But, when I did so, I was seen as cold and insensitive. So, then I tried to take an active role and be the good mom that I am to my biological son. It didn’t feel natural taking a backseat (where my stepson was concerned) as a parent. But, when I did that, I was seen by the ex-wife as trying to replace her. Like I said, you can’t win so why try? I finally had to realize that I just couldn’t be the one to please and/or fix everyone.

Furthermore, some ex-wives are simply not going to change. Some times I believe ex-wives want to think that second wives are horrible people as an excuse to continue bickering. I think it’s easier for them to believe that their ex-husband married an ax murderer because it makes her look like the damsel in distress. So, second wives/stepmothers need to stop trying be the only one that keeps the family together and husbands need to step up and lend more support. SW’s don’t try to create a home that is more pleasing to your stepchildren and/or their mother so that they will accept you. Instead, you and your husband need to decide upon a way to run your household in a manner that you both see as fit and the children and ex-wife are the one’s that need to adjust, not the other way around. From experience, I know that this is a difficult challenge because not only will you and the ex-wife have different views about parenting, but you and your husband may have different views as well. However, you must always, always, always realize that you and your husband are the individuals who took vows before God. Therefore it is most important that you two agree! Everyone in the blended family will not agree on everything, especially parenting, but you must focus on the two people that count and that’s you and your husband. Neither of you need to spend time trying to get the ex-wife to see it your way because this takes time away from you and your husband achieving consensus.

My hat goes off to second wives and stepmothers because they certainly aren’t given enough credit; face many battles with all members of the blended family; are blamed for everything and bear most of the responsibility of running the household. But, there is hope! Be sure to check out my blended family co-parenting tips post that should help bring some order to your blended family.

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Now Let’s Talk About My Ex

May 27, 2008 By Leave a Comment

All of my posts have mainly been about one side of my dysfunctional blended family, and that’s the side that includes my husband, his ex-wife, and their son.  Because I never want to insinuate that all my blended family issues are unilateral in nature, I feel it’s only fair to discuss the other side of my blended family. Although we don’t have nearly as many problems with my ex as we do with my husband’s, there’s still quite a bit to talk about.

So, now let’s talk about my ex, who is my son’s biological father. The reason I emphasize that he is my son’s biological father is because when I do refer to my son’s father most know that I am referring to the man that has raised him for the past 7 of his 11 years, and that’s my husband.

At any rate, my ex is a professional basketball player (overseas) who has been physically absent from my son’s life since he was in the womb.  We were together for nearly 6 years, including the first few years of my son’s life, but we parted ways when my son was 3 years old. Even though we were technically together for the first few years of our son’s life, my son never saw him as daddy because we lived in separate countries for 10 months out of the year. When I met my current husband is when my son finally started to experience life with a full-time father, and my ex was livid. He didn’t want another man to be involved with his son in a way that he couldn’t be out of fear that he might be replaced, and he surely was. My husband became actively involved in my son’s life. He coached him in basketball, baseball and soccer; attended school plays; had father/son time which is still referred to as bachelor night; and overall, was a prominent male figure in his life. After about 2 years my son started referring to my husband as dad. At that point, my ex’s ego had gotten the best of him and he petitioned the court claiming that I was keeping my son away from him and teaching him to call another man dad. However, he neglected to reveal to the Judge that his only involvement, since birth, in my son’s life was/is 8 weeks out of every year. Furthermore, he also didn’t tell the Judge that he lied to the court about how much money he was making so that he didn’t have to pay a fair amount of child support. Additionally, he had never attended a soccer, basketball, baseball game, school play, teacher’s conference, nor had he ever taken him to the doctor, attended a birthday party or any other normal activity that real parents participate in. So, my attorney and I decided that we would just let him hang himself as we knew the Judge would ask such questions, and she did.

The Judge was appauled by the fact that my ex had wasted all of our time bringing such a matter to court knowing that he was not nor had he ever been a father to my son. She told him that it was bad enough that he could not be physically present in his son’s life, but he had enough nerve to try to cheat him financially, and try to enforce ridiculous rules on my life (meaning, he couldn’t call any other man dad, but him). The Judge bascially laughed after throwing the book at him and calling him a poor excuse for a man.  As a result, my ex is partly financially responsible for my son’s daily care, but he is still physically absent from his life. Although he still struggles with another man raising his son, after 7 years he is learning to accept it. We don’t have nearly as many heated unproductive discussions about it now as we did 7 years ago.

But, now we are entering the next phase of our blended family which I will call unanswered questions. I always told my ex to be careful of the decisions that he made regarding our son because he wasn’t always going to be a baby. I explained to him that when he got older he was going to have questions regarding his absence from his life. Well, at age 11, we have now arrived at that point. My son wants to know why everyone and everything else has always been more important than him. And although he loves his stepmom (who we’ll talk about in another post) and his little half brother, he is very angry with and disappointed in his biological father. So, my husband and I constantly reassure him that he has a mother and a father who adore him and have always been and will always be there for him. I used to try and tell him that his biological father still loves him even though he is not present, but that doesn’t work anymore. Additionally, I don’t feel like I should have to make excuses for his behavior. He needs to be telling him the things that my husband and I do. As such, my husband and I only speak for ourselves and reaffirm our love for him.

So here’s a message to all of you father’s out there: Remember that if the choices you make regarding your child turn out to negatively affect him, it’s nobody’s fault but yours. Don’t blame your ex and tell everyone that she’s keeping the child away from you. Instead, take responsibility for your actions, be consistent in your child’s life and communicate with your ex.

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Man in the Middle

May 22, 2008 By 1 Comment

My husband has often conveyed to me that for the first three years of our relationship he felt like he was in the middle of a Tyson and Holyfield fight. In one corner was me, his second wife, and in the other was his ex-wife. He worked hard to strike a peaceful balance between us, but unfortunately his tactics did more harm than good. Those tactics included working overtime to reassure his son that he’d always be there for him. He also worked, seemingly even harder, to reassure his ex-wife that he’d always be there for their son. I think he felt if they were reassured, then they’d be more willing to accept me. But, in the midst of all this reassuring, he forgot to reassure me that he’d always be there for me. More importantly, he took for granted that I would always be there, no matter what.

As I stated in my Second Wives article, men are often caught in the middle for three reasons; let’s go over them in detail below.

  1. Guilt

Remember that he loves his child and a good father will usually struggle with what he thinks he should be doing to make him/her happy and you happy simultaneously. For the record fellas, I completely understand your plight. However, you must understand that you need to do two things when it comes to making your child happy and healthy. I call it the two “R’s.” You must always be realistic and remain a parent. The worst thing you can do is overcompensate due to the divorce. If you didn’t give into your child’s every whim when you were married to his/her mother, don’t start now. Remember, children of divorced parents are seasoned veterans at dividing and conquering. It is imperative that you demand the same positive behavior as before the divorce. Offering limited control over the child out of guilt of hurting them already can have detrimental effects on their behavior.

To break it down even further, let me give you a couple of examples. It is a Christmas tradition for you, your child, and your ex-wife to spend Christmas Eve exchanging gifts. Or, you ex-wife and child are out having dinner and your ex-wife calls to ask you to join them, supposedly at the child’s request. Your response to both or any other similar request that involves you spending time together as a family, should be NO because you are no longer a family. Yes you will always be his father and mother, but you are no longer a famil,y and continuing family traditions is giving that child a false sense of hope. Furthermore, it makes it more difficult for him/her to accept someone new once you both remarry. The moment you divorce you must teach the child that while mom and dad love you just the same as we did before, you are going to have two separate families now. Reassure the child that you will both be there for him/her, but just not in the way you were before. Create new family traditions to reinforce this new way of thinking. Don’t continue with the old ones. If you do, when you do remarry, and the current wife has a problem with you continuing these traditions with your ex-wife (this is inevitable), then you have to change and when you do, you’ve just taught the child that things changed when she came along. This is why children feel as if it is the evil stepmother that changes everything in their lives.

Having said that, try to keep certain things the same so not turn the child’s world completely around. If it’s possible to keep the child in the same school and home as well as continue any extra curricular activities, it’s in the best interest of the child to do so. Both parents should also encourage relationships with the child’s extended family on either side, but not participate in, nor facilitate these relationships, unless they are your parents.

  1. You don’t have to keep the ex-wife happy

Most men are naïve and think it is their responsibility to keep the ex-wife happy in order to keep their child happy and therefore, remain in the child’s life. This is the second reason men feel as if they are caught in the middle. I have three words for you gentlemen, “forsaken all others.” Do you remember those words? This is what you vowed to do once you married your second wife. That vow includes ex-wives and even children. Your only obligation is to remain an active parent in your child’s life. You are no longer obligated to your ex-wife, no matter how she tries to convince you otherwise. A man who pays attention to his second wife is not treating his first wife and mother of his child like crap. He is divorced from his first wife, and as long as he fulfils the obligations of the divorce decree, he is not morally obligated to come to his ex-wife’s rescue whenever she calls. His only obligation is to treat his former spouse with civility.

You cannot parent your child effectively if both of the child’s homes are in turmoil. Furthermore, you cannot be the one to make sure that both homes are in order. At this point, your ex-wife is responsible for her own happiness, and if she’s too distressed or bitter to raise the child, then you need to legally request that she send him over to you. What you don’t need to do is keep her happy to remain in the child’s life. If she is making it difficult for you to remain in the child’s life because of her own issues, consult a family law attorney or mediator immediately to resolve the issue.

There should never be a battle between your current and your ex-wife because you current wife is always number one. Traditional therapists and/or psychologists will probably chop my head off for saying this, but it’s true. And, if their theory worked (always reassure the child that they are number one in your life), then we wouldn’t have as many problems with ex-wives, ex-lives and “evil stepmothers” as we do now. If you take care of your marriage first, then you will be better parents. If you are better parents, then you have a happy healthy child, no matter where your parents live. The truth of the matter is the child will not always be number one in your life, and if you are teaching your child this, you are doing more harm than good. Once you remarry and/or have other children, that number one status has to be shared with the other special people in your life. Teaching your child any differently is conveying three things:

1. The world revolves around him/her no matter what.

2. Anyone who gets in the way will ruin it for them.

3. Change is bad.

This will make the child more reluctant to accept anyone else. As I stated earlier, reassure the child that you will always be dad; you will always be there for him/her; and that he/she will always be special to you. However, you must both prepare and encourage him/her (even if you aren’t remarried yet) to make room for someone else. This will convey to the child that although things have changed, change is good as long as you are willing to embrace it.

  1. I don’t know what’s going on

The final reason most men are caught in the middle is because they will claim they haven’t a clue as to what is going on. For the record, I don’t buy this excuse at all. Get backbones men and take control of your family. Your vows with your second wife should be no different than the vows with your first. If you knew what to do then, then you should know what to do now. All your second wife wants is for you to respect your marriage. Below are some tips to help keep your marriage and your child healthy and happy.

  1. Any decision involving your family should be made with your current wife. If that decision will affect your child, then you should inform your ex-wife, but not the other way around.
  2. Don’t base all of your decisions around the child if he isn’t primarily in your home. For example, if you have children with your second wife or your second wife has children, don’t go to a movie or enjoy other activities with them only during visitation with your child. This sends the message that life only goes on when you’re together, and that’s the wrong message.
  3. Always, always, always communicate honestly with your child. Never tell the child what he/she wants to hear. Tell your child the truth so that there are no surprises in the end.
  4. Treat your second wife like a wife. Just because you married her second doesn’t mean she should have to come second to your ex-wife and your baggage.
  5. Always be sensitive to your current wife’s feelings.
  6. Always be sensitive to your child’s feelings, and open to communicate about them whenever necessary.
  7. Don’t alienate your current wife from issues with your child. It takes a whole village to raise a child. Make your current wife a part of that village.
  8. Demand the same positive behavior from your child just as you did prior to the divorce.
  9. Remain a parent and never reverse the roles out of guilt.
  10. Set boundaries when it comes to your ex-wife. She should never be allowed to wreak havoc on your family just because she’s bitter and unhappy.

So gentlemen, it is unfortunate that you are the “man in the middle” but please know that you put yourself there. There should be no middle, just you on one end and your current wife on the other. Your second marriage should be no different than your first. You took vows before God to honor, love, respect and protect your marriage. As long as you do that everything else will more easily follow.

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My Sad Husband

May 21, 2008 By 2 Comments

I just got off of the phone with my husband, and he seemed really sad. As a matter of fact, he has seemed pretty sad for the last week or so. I wish there was something that I could do as I feel partly responsible for his sadness. My mere presence is causing and has caused his crazy ex-wife to act a fool over the past 7 years, and as in most baby mama cases, one of her first reactions is “you can’t see your child.”

We haven’t seen K since early January. Although I can not disclose specific details about what happened, I will try to give you some idea. You see, K did something that was very wrong ! Even though I don’t want this action to ever happen again, I was more concerned than upset. So, I suggested that my husband call his ex-wife to inform her about it. Especially since he spends most of his time with her (we only see him about once per month). I wanted her to watch out for certain types of behavior. My husband told me that he didn’t think it was a good idea. I told him that she is still his mother, and that there are certain things that she should be informed about no matter what she’s done in the past. I truly thought it was in K’s best interest to clue her in. What in the hell was I thinking? I expected her to react as any concerned parent would, but instead guess where we ended up – that’s right, court. She took my husband to court stating that I had devised this master plan to label K as a bad kid and get him out of our house. She went on to say that she felt like our environment was perilous to K.

Now, let me explain why this too is sooooo ridiculous! Number one, I am just now recovering after being sick for an entire year. My last house had mold in it, and it wreaked havoc on my system. I passed out about 12 times in an hour, lost a bunch of weight and even lost my memory at one point. At one point I didn’t even remember who K was! I was still very sick in January. So as you can imagine, the last thing I was thinking about is a master plan to label K as a bad kid to get him out of the house. Number two, I am the one who takes good care of K while he’s in our care. We actually have a really good relationship when he’s here. As a matter of fact, she has conceded to the fact that I was trying to replace her due to our good relationship. This is why she decided that she wanted to see him more, thereby, lessening the number of visits with my husband. So how can I be trying to replace her as a mother, but be trying to get rid of him simultaneously???

At any rate, at the end of the day my husband hasn’t seen his son in 5 months, and he is extremely uspet about it. Every time she gets upset this is the card that she deals. The question is – what can I do to make the man that I love with all of my heart happy? I have truly struggled with this. If I leave, then she will be happy, and my husband will be able to see his son as much as he wants. If I just give in to her ridiculous antics, then not only will I be unhappy, but it’s also not in the best interest of my son. My heart is telling me to continue to focus on my marriage and my family because I’m going to be the bad guy (in her eyes) no matter what I do. I keep telling myself that we have made it this far, we’re happy with each other, we truly love each other, we have a solid marriage, and it will get better. But, it’s been 7 years – do I really believe that???

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Battling Over Visitation

May 21, 2008 By 8 Comments

It seems as if my husband and I are always confronting some type of legal issue because his ex-wife frequently throws temper tantrums. They are so frequent that if we don’t hear from her or her attorney for a couple of months, our extended family starts questioning whether or not she’s feeling okay. I swear she makes it her life’s goal to ruin our lives. She does this every time she doesn’t get her way.

Before I start giving you examples of her childish behavior, I should mention that we live in separate states (about 3 hours away from each other).  In the beginning my husband and I would sign both of our children up for extra curricular activities (basketball, baseball, tae kwon do, etc). Well when she found out she started complaining that she was not invited. She said that she is his mother, and should be invited to all of her child’s activities. Keep in mind that her child (we’ll call him K from now on) does the same sort of activities where they live, and she and her husband attend those activities. So, she is not missing out on K’s extra curricular activities. Furthermore, we can’t be in the same room with each other without arguing, mean mugging or just good old fashioned tension, and lots of it. So why would she want to come to the activities that we plan for him? Why – because she wants to be difficult, and that’s the only reason why.  Trust me when I say she is not that in love with her child. She wasn’t concerned about these things before I came along. We attended several activities, without her, prior to her finding out that I was here to stay. However, she threw a temper tantrum, and took us to court demanding that she receive a schedule of all of his activities that we sign him up for. I should also mention that she’s an attorney so it’s easy for her to draw up a legal document, call one of her friends and have the Judge rule in her favor. The justice system is not as just as you think it is, but that’s another story. As a result, we just stopped signing K up for extra curricular activities. She thought she was hurting us, but in the end, as you can see, she only hurt her child. Now he watches my son (we’ll call him M) while he participates.

We are still battling it out in court (about 5 years now) over visitation. She gets one month in the summer and we get 2. We initially we got him in June and July and she got him in August. However, when she realized we were happy with that arrangement, she had to make sure she put a stop to that. I think she sends out a “happy radar” every now and then. If she sees that we are all content in our neck of the woods, she has to stop it. At any rate, she petitioned the court to request that she get July and we get June and August. Her reasoning behind this ridiculous request was that K had to attend summer camp (not summer school). We were confused as to why he couldn’t attend summer camp with us like he had been doing. But, she claims that he needed time with his friends. I could have sworn that he spends time with his friends all year, and time with friends shouldn’t be priority over visitation with your father, but once again, the Judge ruled in her favor. So we don’t see him in July or August, and we only get him in June. Once again, she thinks that she’s hurting us, but she is hurting her child more.

Before you start assuming that we are being difficult, let me explain. Our state starts school at the beginning of August (7th), and K’s school doesn’t start until the beginning of September (after Labor Day). So, for an entire month there is no where for him to go. M is in school, we’re at work; our mom’s are both teachers so they’re in school; my dad is dead; my husband’s dad lives about 18 hours away; and there are no summer camps. As a result, don’t you think it makes more sense for us to have him in June and July and she get him in August? Because the rest of the kids, where they live, are out of school one would logically assume that there is somewhere for him to go there.

Having said that, we still tried to compromise. She suggested that her grandparents and parents keep him during the day, and we get him at night and on the weekends. I countered that by suggesting that we just get him on the weekends. Our children are now both 11 years old, and the beginning of the school year is difficult for any child. You have to get back into your groove after being away all summer. So, having K return after being gone for a whole month would pose a distraction for M. Keep in mind that they are both the same age, and are only children within their respective households. So, when they get together they want to play because they haven’t seen each other for a whole month. I didn’t want my child’s sleep patterns to suffer due to  the excitement. Furthermore, the fact that we are having to compromise is ridiculous. There’s no need to go through all of this when there’s a better solution – we get him in June and July and she gets him in August.

And so, the battle continues, and honestly, I think K will be out of school by the time this matter is solved.  I hope that those difficult baby mama’s out there will read and learn from this. Your tactics do more harm to your child than they do to your ex. K misses out on extra curricular activities, and has minimal time with his father because his mother can’t deal with her own issues.

I realize that this situation is tough as I experienced certain feelings when I realized that my ex and I were definitely over. Even though I was with a man that I was completely in love with, you must realize that I shared a strong history with my ex, including our child. I also had to face the fact that I could no longer give my child what every child wants at some point in their lives, and that is for their parents to be together again. When he said he was getting married, that was confirmation for me, and it kind of hurt. However,  as stated in my Wives Wars article, “you must deal with your own issues in a way that doesn’t affect those around you, especially your children.”  I knew that I couldn’t let my feelings affect me doing what’s best for my child, and that was to help him get used to another type of family – the blended family. I wanted him to realize that everyone of his parents (mom, dad, stepmom and stepdad) share a special place in his life, and although things would not be as they were before, they could still be really good, maybe even better.  This means that the adults have to realize their places in the child’s life. You won’t be that full-time father if you’re not in the house full- time.  You have to share those responsibilties with the child’s stepfather. Additionally, as a mother, you can’t be fully thrusted into every aspect of your child’s life because you have to share him with his father and his stepmother. As long as everyone respects each other as parents, and realizes their respective place in the child’s life, the child can and often will adjust.

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Second Wives

May 21, 2008 By 3 Comments

For all of my second wives (SW’s), I know it seems like a never-ending uphill battle. You feel misunderstood, disrespected and taken for granted, often times battling your husband’s ex-wife, his children and your husband all at the same time.

 

Being a second wife is like being bipolar. One moment you can be happier than you ever imagined and in the next sadder and heartbroken than you’ve ever been. Before you make the decision to go on this rollercoaster ride, you must be prepared. Mental preparation is crucial if you want your marriage to survive.

 

During the happy moments it seems as if you and your husband are really going to make it and love truly does conquer all. These are the moments when it’s not his weekend to have his child. Because as soon as this weekend comes you know you’re going to have to deal with the wicked ex. However, let’s not be so quick to blame the ex-wife because your husband, more than likely, is “stuck on stupid.” His indecisive, passive behavior contributes to your heartache. An ex-wife can only be as destructive as your husband allows her to be. If he can’t learn to put his foot down, then she has no boundaries and anything goes.

 

 

Now let’s examine why your husband can’t seem to open his mouth when it comes to his ex-wife, but can’t seem to keep it closed when it comes to you.

1). Guilt. Remember that he loves his children and a good man will usually struggle with what he thinks he should be doing to make them happy and you happy simultaneously.

 

2) Most good men are naïve and think that it’s their responsibility to keep the ex-wife happy in order to keep their children happy.

 

3). Most naïve men also think they need to keep the ex-wife happy to remain in their children’s lives.

 

4) Some men will claim that they have no clue what’s going on so they don’t know what to do (for the record, I don’t believe this at all).

 

As a result, you get total pandemonium until you convince your husband that there is a problem. Therefore, his ex-wife will continue to manipulate him until he wakes up. All of her actions, no matter how unreasonable or irrational, will have one excuse…”it’s for the kids.” Whether it’s more money, help moving or a parenting request, it’s all supposedly for the kids. And let us not forget the kids who contribute to her behavior by playing both sides against the middle. Blended children are seasoned veterans at dividing and conquering…expect it. Please don’t forget that the little angels are capable of such thinking.

 

As I stated above, don’t be so quick to blame the ex-wife for her behavior without first trying to understand it. Then look within to see what you’re doing to contribute to the demise of your family. Frustration sometimes provokes SW’s to become totally oppositional on every issue. Meaning, anything that she says you’re not going to agree with simply because it comes out of her mouth. This is wrong, no matter how she’s behaving. Try to listen to the message without paying attention to the messenger. I know it’s difficult, but remember, you don’t want to create unhappy, unhealthy children just because she is. Next, try to understand where your husband is coming from as well. He’s not purposely trying to hurt you, but at this point, his bond with his children is stronger than his bond with you. He is torn between doing what he thinks is best for them and being happy. Instead of arguing with him about how he’s treating you, really try to help him understand his feelings, and why his actions are unhealthy for all parties involved. Finally, don’t take it personal. Remember there was a time when you may have felt like his ex-wife is feeling and acted irrationally. Take the first step and instead of just reaching out to choke her, just reach out and attempt to create peace.

 

Ladies, we don’t have to hate each other. Society conveys this message of hate through the media, but it’s a stigma that we need to get rid of. I’m not saying that you have to go on family vacations together or be best friends, but it is possible to peacefully and pleasantly coexist. This doesn’t mean that you are going to agree on everything because you’re not, but you must remember to respect each other’s opinions. Grow up, stop being so self-absorbed and remember that you are raising children together. Your children feed off of you and even when you think your actions aren’t affecting them, they are. The world as they know it has changed and they are scared and confused enough as it is. If you eliminate the tension, then imagine how much you can ease it for your children.

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Wives Wars

May 21, 2008 By 2 Comments

Ex-Wives

Let’s face it, in today’s day and age, there are more baby’s mamas and baby’s daddies than there are just plan old moms and dads. As a matter of fact, in the 21st Century, the blended family has become the most common family, the “normal” family. Many children live with a biological and a step-parent. Although, this family is increasingly common, many are still struggling to make it work. The question is why? If you ask most family counselors and psychologist, they will tell you it’s because the stepfamily will not and cannot function as a natural family; establish clear job descriptions; go slow; it takes time, blah, blah, blah.

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For the past 7 years I have been an ex (I have a child with someone who is currently remarried) and a current wife (I am married to someone who has a child with someone else) and my experience totally challenges the traditional advice that you may have heard regarding the blended family. While there may be some truth to this traditional way of thinking, there is a deeper force that ultimately contributes to the success or the breakdown of the blended family…the wives. Their pride, egos and territorial mentality create an unhealthy environment for the entire blended family. If we can get the wives to behave like parents and adults (usually the men will follow suit), then we’re more than half way there.

First of all, let’s remember that when two people have been together for a number of years and share a child, there is an automatic history and with this history comes feelings. These feelings may be both positive and negative or just plain confusion. Even though he or she may know that it’s over (in some cases, has been over for a while), it may still hurt to initially see that person with someone else. This hurt can stem from at least three things: 1). You may still have more love for than you thought for that individual. 2). Closure, sometimes the end of a relationship is not a reality until you see your ex with someone else. 3). Change, it’s easier when neither of you have significant others, but as soon as they enter the picture, things change. As a result, many ex-wives react to their inability to sort out their own internal conflict and take it out on the current wife. For example, your fear of change may provoke you to become territorial. It’s that “I had him first and we did it this way before you came along” childlike mentality.

The first thing the ex-wife needs to realize is something that is very logical and that is, you must deal with your feelings regarding your past in a way that doesn’t affect those around you, especially your children. Second, you must realize that the change didn’t occur when your ex-husband remarried, the change occurred when you decided to get a divorce…QUIT BLAMING THE CURRENT WIFE. Things were changing before she came along! I am so sick and tired of the current wife being used as a scapegoat for the ex-wife’s issues. You cannot expect to operate as if you never divorced just because there are children involved and especially when he remarries, so stop diluting yourself. Change and compromise is necessary in the blended family. It isn’t fair for you to expect the current wife to embrace your way of thinking and doing things. Remember that she might have children as well and/or her own way of thinking. Just because she has chosen to marry a man with children and fully accepts his children and all the mayhem that comes with it, doesn’t mean that she didn’t have a mind of her own before deciding to do so. Therefore, ex-wives, you need to stop assuming, start trying to understand and respect where the current wife if coming from. If she is uncomfortable with your prior routine, please know that your ex-husband’s loyalty does not lay with you because you share a child. His only responsibility and loyalty is to his current wife and his children. So, he has to find a solution to work for them, not you.

Be honest with yourself and stop shouting “my only concern is my kids” if you really don’t mean it. You can’t really believe that your children benefit from creating tension and being difficult. Ask yourself this question; how are my actions affecting my children? If they are negatively affecting them and you continue with that behavior, you can’t possibly believe that you are acting in their best interest. Remember, they are already scared and confused enough as it is, and only a bad parent intentionally adds to that confusion.

Finally, ex-wives, it’s time to look within and stop posting blame on everyone but you. I know that the blended family is hard for everyone involved, not just you and your children. Instead of being part of the problem, start being part of the solution.

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Certifiable!

May 21, 2008 By Leave a Comment

I am married to an absolutely wonderful man who I have known since high school. We reconnected about 7 years ago and have been together ever since.  He will claim that he wasn’t trying to get with me the day we reconnected at Original Pancake House, but I know different.  He said that he was just interested in a friendship because our sons were the same age…umm humm, okay, whatever…LOL!

As I continue, keep in mind that I love my husband! I truly believe that he is a gift that was made for me. Having said that, if I knew then what I know now, I think I would have elected to not accept the gift! Let me explain.  I didn’t know at the time that his ex-wife and mother of his child was/is completely crazy…certifiable! From the moment she found out that my husband had a girlfriend she had a problem, and tried to mark her territory. She did things like call him in the middle of the night (11:30) to ask a question about history. On another late night (11:00) she had her best friend call to ask my husband which jump rope he would recommend for working out. Now, my husband is neither a history professor nor a personal trainer, and I am sure there were plenty of other people that they could’ve called. On another occasion she called to ask my husband to help her best friend move. Keep in mind that she has and has had a boyfriend ever since I’ve been in the picture. Why wouldn’t she call him for these things instead of her ex-husband? In the beginning, she never called for anything pertaining to the child…go figure.

At any rate, as the years have gone by things have gotten progressively worse. She eventually started using the “you can’t see your child” method when her other tactics failed. This brings me to my tips on how to confirm whether or not the baby mama in your life is crazy.

  1. She’ll first use the we’re still friends method. This means that she’ll call him for stupid stuff like late night history questions.
  2. She’ll then use the damsel in distress method. It’s the I’m the mother of your child, and I need you even though her needs have absolutely nothing to do with the child.
  3. Next, when she’s exhausted the other options, she’ll use the infamous you can’t see your child method.
  4. When that doesn’t work, she’ll use the “I want you to be in your child’s life, but just not around her…” method. All of a sudden, the one who cares for your child when he’s in our home is not fit to do so. Like I said, certifiable, bipolar even.

Those are all signs of irrational behavior, and if you catch them in the beginning, you need to re-evaluate whether or not you can deal with that type of blended family. Trust me, when the ex-wife/baby mama is crazy it doesn’t get better, only worse! Even if your marriage is completely solid, it will still create stress within your household. I know it did and often does in mine, and I’m still in love with my husband after 7 years. But, you have to keep in mind that if your man is a good father, he will obviously be affected if the ex is keeping his child away from him, and for senseless reasons. That, in and of itself, will create a certain amount of stress in your household. Not only that, but when you are arguing with someone all of the damn time, that creates stress as well. Having said that, it is possible to maintain a healthy marriage despite the crazy ex’s attempts to wreak havoc on it.

I could go on about my husband’s crazy ex-wife, but I’l save it for another entry. Until then, remember that love, trust, loyalty and communication are the most important ingredients in any marriage, but especially within the blended family. As long as you know that the vows that you took/take with your second marriage should be no different than the first, your marriage has a chance at survival.

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