Yes We Can!

Before going to church today I was all set to do another angry post. I was ready to complain about how I am just sick and tired of the whole J (my husband), K (his son) and Y (his ex-wife) saga. It’s been nearly 8 years, but things have only changed for the worse. She’s still bitter, which in turn, causes me to be bitter. It’s amazing how one person can cause so much stress for an entire family. I’m just tired…tired of her, tired of allowing her actions to control our family’s happiness, tired of the world always seeming to revolve around 3 people (my husband, his son and his ex-wife)…just tired. This is what I was going to tell you before going to church. After church I have a different perspective on things, and I felt compelled to share it with all of you.

The Pastor focused on three words today - YES WE CAN! The basic idea of the sermon was positive thinking. We can choose to dwell on that glass being half empty or we can focus on it being half full. We can choose to be excited about what we can do or we can dwell on what we can’t do. We can choose to dwell on what we can’t control (someone else’s actions) or we can focus on what we can control (our own actions).

Personally, I have struggled with this notion, but ONLY when it comes to my husband’s ex-wife. For too many reasons to name, she just seemingly brings out the “evil” in me. All understanding, compassion, reasoning and sometimes rationale seems to fly out of the window when it comes to her and ONLY her. I realize it’s because she has caused so much pain in our lives. In our eyes, she has the power to make us miserable (when she’s throwing one of her tantrums) or happy (when she’s leaving us alone). Simply because she has the power to dictate whether or not we see K and for how long. She even has the power to dictate our finances because we have to pay money (and lots of it) every time she drags us to court for frivilous reasons. But that was then. I know and have always known that a person only posseses as much power as you allow her to have over you. It’s just so hard to remember that when you’re in the midst of your struggle. As hard as it may be, however, it is necessary in order to create and maintain our own happiness, even in the midst of our respective struggles. I can choose to dwell on how much time we don’t have with K; or I can focus on how strong our family is despite Y’s continued effort to bring us down. I can choose to dwell on the fact that I can’t control her negative actions; or I can focus on the fact that I can remain positive despite the negativity. I can choose to be excited about the fact that I have a wonderful husband that loves me and my son to death; or I can dwell on the fact that Y keeps trying to tear down what we have built together. I can choose to dwell on the negative or focus on the positive. Nobody has the power to take away my positive thinking. And who knows, maybe my positive reaction will eventually evoke positive actions from her. Yes I can choose to think positively and yes you can, too!

All of our feelings and beliefs are truly based on our internal thoughts and conversations with ourselves. WE ARE IN CONTROL, whether we know it or not. We do not have to allow our negative circumstances to dictate how happy we choose to be. If you are feeling overwhelmed, bitter, angry, resentful, or just plain negative about your situation with your ex-spouse, his new wife, your stepchildren, your blended family as a whole or any negative situation, the first step to changing your attitude is changing that inner conversation. Instead of saying that “it’s been almost 8 years, but things have only gotten worse.” I need to tell myself that if I remain positive I know a change will come. It may not be when I want it to, but eventually it will. Keep your mind focused on the positive instead of dwelling on the negative. This positive attitude and outlook on life will allow you to feel like a winner when things are good and a survivor when things are tough. It will allow you to say, “yes I can” even when people are telling you that you can’t. So say it with me…”yes I can.”

I will leave you with the illustrious and powerful words of Sam Cooke:

There have been times that I thought I couldn’t last for long

But now I think I’m able to carry on

It’s been a long, a long time coming

But I know a change is gonna come

Repairing your relationship with your ex-spouse

I’ve talked a lot about the importance of maintaining healthy post-divorce relationships; not only with your children, but with each other. I firmly believe that children DESERVE parents who get along or at least make every effort to. As a result, I’ve been getting tons of emails from readers who claim to know the benefit of peacefully coexisting in order to co-parent effectively, but “the how” is what they lack the knowledge in. My answer is simple - JUST DO IT! You don’t have to be best friends or even friends; you just have to be civil for the sake of your children. Put your anger [of the past] away and concentrate on doing what’s best for your children instead of doing whatever gives you temporary satisfaction. Some of those same readers seem to be confused about the meaning of the word civil. Civil is not “mean mugging” each other during drop off and pick up. It’s not subtly bad-mouthing each other. And, it’s not communicating via morse code just to avoid actually speaking to each other. Get over yourself and be selfless enough to actually be civil, especially in front of your children.  Be polite and learn to bite your tongue. Say hello, how are you and use the basic manners that you learned at age 5. These are things that you do every single day. Do you curse your boss out every time he or she makes you angry? What about the waitress at your favorite restaurant? Do you fly off the handle if she messes up your order? Probably not. So, I know that you can control your urge to slap your ex upside the head, too. It really is that simple. It might not be easy to do, but it’s that simple.

Before I get those comments saying “my ex is bipolar” or “my ex is an alcoholic”; let me assure you that I am not talking about those situations. I know it is difficult, sometimes impossible, to maintain a healthy relationship with these types of individuals. However, it is possible to disengage yourself from the battle. You don’t have to fight even if your ex is fighting with you.

Rule #1: Pick your battles! Life is just too short to stew over the past or fight about every little thing.

My brother taught me that sometimes it’s best to just say nothing at all. He used to burn me up when I would get so angry with him, and he would act like I wasn’t even there. But, eventually I would just move on because it’s hard to fight with someone that isn’t fighting back. In the end, you just end up looking stupid and no one wants to look stupid. Sometimes you just have to see it as that other person’s issue and move on! Let go of the past hurt for it’s the only way that you can move on. If you often find yourself consumed by anger, then you need to get some help! It’s never too late to do so. Only “fight” when you have to and don’t actually fight. Instead just communicate your concerns to your ex-spouse; which brings me to rule #2.

Rule #2: Voice your concerns to your ex-spouse!

Don’t automatically be ready to “go off.” Instead, just talk to him or her about your concerns. For example, I recently had an issue with my ex, and I must admit that I was ready to “go off.” I even contacted a lawyer; preparing to take his butt right back to court (yes, even I slip up at times). It’s completely natural to be overwhelmed with anger when someone pisses you off, especially your ex. After all, you’re divorced for a reason, right? But, I caught myself before bringing the matter to him in such a volatile and attacking way. I first led with a positive by telling him that I truly appreciate him being so open and willing to communicate with me about issues regarding our son. Then, I expressed my concern. He, of course, countered my concern, but I did the same to his. We had a disagreement and it’s probably going to happen a thousand times over because that’s what people do sometimes - disagree. It’s okay, so expect it. It’s how you handle those disagreements that matter. In the end, my ex and I talked it out and we worked it out; without fighting.

Rule #3: Practice basic manners.

Your children don’t need parents who can’t even say hi to each other when in the same room. Remember, although your involvement with your ex-spouse in regards to setting up visitation and child support will diminish when your children are grown; it doesn’t mean that you two will never encounter each other again. You’ll be at your child’s wedding. You’ll be there for the birth of your grandchildren. You’ll be there at college graduations. You will be there, together, with and for your child, so you better practice on being polite now. You don’t want to ruin those moments and memories [with unnecessary tension] for your child because you can’t be civil towards each other. So, the next time you see your ex-spouse forget about the tension and focus on just being polite. You don’t have to invite them to dinner or anything; or even invite him or her in your house. Just take baby steps and do the following:

• Say hello the next time you see your ex-spouse
• Ask how he or she is doing
• Greet him or her with a smile
• Tell him or her to have fun with your children
• Treat him or her as you would anybody else that you are trying to be polite to

Rule #4: Don’t bad-mouth your ex-spouse’s new spouse.

If you have a concern about your ex-spouse’s new spouse, don’t bad-mouth her to your ex. Remember, that she is your ex’s new spouse. As such, it will be in his nature to defend her. Therefore, you will be starting the conversation off on the wrong foot. Additionally, when your children acquire new relatives, via marriage or otherwise, it’s important to acknowledge and respect these relationships instead of dismissing them.  Acknowledge, respect and encourage your children’s relationships with their step or half siblings, step-grandparents, step-aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. Remember, that society brainwashes us to believe that family can only consist of blood lines and a two biological parent household, but the dynamics of family are changing and have been changing for quite some time. Your children’s step-family is just as much family as their biological family and should be treated as such. As a matter of fact, children can only benefit from having a large loving family comprised of step, half and biological, than a two parent household without love.

Conclusion

Learning to act like adult parents is not as hard as it may initially feel. Once again, you have to revert back to the days of old when you first learned basic manners and being polite. Think before you speak or act. Let go of that residual anger that does nothing for you or your children. As a matter of fact, it only prevents you from moving forward and improving your life as well as the lives of your children. You may have every right to be angry [in some cases], but it serves no purpose to hang on to that hurt. Hanging on to hurt only hurts your children. Let it go so that you can create a healthy family unit for your children. After all, with over half of marriages ending in divorce the best thing we can do for our children is to make sure that they are raised in healthy families, regardless of their parents’ marital status.

Children Live What They Learn

As you all know, I often quote the saying “Children Live What They Learn.”  This quote was ingrained in me by my mother when I got pregnant with my oldest son at the age of 19.  She also had this saying posted on our refrigerator for years:

“If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, they learn patience. If children live with praise, they learn appreciation. If children live with acceptance, they learn to love. If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal. If children live with sharing, they learn generosity. If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness. If children live with fairness, they learn justice. If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect. If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them. If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.”

These words are the motto in which I as a mother and step-mother try to raise my blended family up in ,and I know that these words are what keeps me grounded when it comes to any conflict that may arise in our family.  My hope is that some of the readers here on our forum will take away from this post the same thing I take away from it on a daily basis.  Our efforts in maintaining our blended families are so important to our children.

When we are able to come to this realization, no matter what our situations, our lives will become easier within our blended families.  Conflict will become easier to handle because our first and foremost thoughts will be the children ,and what they take away from our examples will teach them which roads to take when they themselves become adults and are faced with the same conflicts or situations.

I hope you are blessed by these words as much as I am.

Diane

BFSO T-Shirts

Hello Readers!

Because BFSO is so committed to educating and empowering blended families, we created a t-shirt line to help other blended families spread the word. They’re fun, inspirational and cute, too! Visit www.blendedfamilysoapopera.spreadshirt.com to purchase a t-shirt and join the movement! Below is just one example of our many styles and cute sayings, and we’ll be adding many more. As always, thanks for your support. Now join the movement to help blended families heal by purchasing one of our cute and inspirational tees.

What the children want you to know about relationships with their fathers

A relationship between a father and child is just as important as a relationship between mother and child after the divorce. It’s no secret that relationships with fathers and children seemingly deteriorate post-divorce. After speaking with many fathers and witnessing my own husband’s anguish as a result of seeing his relationship diminish between him and his son; I now know that there are definitely two sides to every story, and every divorced dad is not irresponsible or disinterested. There are many obstacles that a father can and often does face when trying to maintain a positive relationship with his child. The constant conflict about child support, an ex-wife’s anger and/or parental alienation, maternal bias in court and much more, sometimes makes it impossible for fathers to maintain healthy relationships with their children. Through it all, once again, the individuals who suffer the most are the children. As such, they have something to say about their relationships with their fathers.

The results were taken from that same study in the last ‘what children want you to know’ article (read it to gain clarity). When both adult and minor children, of all ages, were asked about their relationships with their fathers, they had the following to say.

Remarriage

Some felt as if their relationships with their fathers had deteriorated since the divorce and were unequivocally upset about it. Blame came in all variations; from the divorce itself, to a remarriage, to the father, to a stepmother to new stepsiblings.  Often times children feel as if they are being replaced when their father remarries. Therefore, it is essential that fathers are allowed to continue to foster their relationship with their children post-divorce. It is equally imperative that fathers continue to put forth the effort to do so.  When a divorced dad remarries, jealously is to be expected. If it’s expected, then it won’t catch you off guard and you can deal with it before it gets out of hand. It is essential that you make your bio-children feel like they are apart of the family, as well as make them feel as if they are still important and special to you. If your bio-children don’t live with you, be sure to maintain regular contact with them. Call them regularly, send a little gift (it doesn’t have to be expensive, it can be a card) to remind me that you’re still there for them and that you love them. Sometimes, bio-children need some alone time as well. I know firsthand how difficult it can be to achieve this when there are step-children involved. A father must consider how sensitive the situation is for ALL of the children involved. However, an easy solution is to spend time alone with your bio-children when your step-children are visiting their bio-parent or extended family. At one point in my own blended family, my husband, sons and I sat down and scheduled date nights that consisted of alone time with both of our children and each other. Our children were happy to be apart of the arrangement, knew what to expect and therefore, didn’t feel the least bit slighted when each got their alone time. Children often times just want to be included (when possible) in on the decision making process that undoubtedly affects them in some way.

Another group actually blamed their fathers for the deteroriation in their relationship after the divorce. This group of older children reported that financial and lifestyle changes often dictated their decision to erase their fathers from their lives. Most went from houses to apartments, had to help take care of siblings because their moms had to work extra jobs to make ends meet and often witnessed their mothers’ anguish about finances. All while their remarried dad was living it up with the new family. They couldn’t understand why step-mom got to sport designer bags and clothing, live in elaborate homes and drive the finest cars, but they (his children) had to worry about money to sign up for cheerleading, basketball or other extra curricular activities. Or why their mom couldn’t afford shoes or clothing. HIS wife and their children weren’t suffering, so why should they have to? It just didn’t make sense to them, and as a result, they just wrote their fathers off altogether.

Fathers pay your child support! Just as much as your children deserve relationships with both parents, they also deserve to be financially supported by both parents as well. It is okay if you choose to get remarried, have more children and/or even father someone else’s, but don’t forget about those that you left behind. As a matter of fact, they should never be left behind; they are your children! Your children should always feel as if they can count on you, in every sense of the word.

Some of the group blamed their mothers for the change in their relationships with their fathers; claiming that their mothers’ words and fathers’ actions never seemed to add up. Their mothers would tell them or imply that their fathers’ didn’t care about them anymore, but their fathers were calling them every night (if they weren’t allowed to see them, for whatever reason), telling them how much he loved and missed them. When this group of children were allowed, usually via court intervention, to have relationships with their fathers, they quickly realized that the person that their mothers’ described was not that person at all. Most of this group was able to reconnect with their fathers when their mothers’ interaction was no longer necessary.

Some of the group members’ relationships got better after the divorce. This is the portion of the group that was allowed to maintain regular, equal contact with their fathers; spending two days a week and every other weekend with dad. I must also note that the parents of this group cooperated to co-parent their children effectively.  Even when mom, dad or both remarried, the childrens’ relationships with either parent seemed to go unscathed. These children often viewed their step-parents and step or half siblings as an added bonus rather than a threat.

Limited Contact Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Losing the Relationship

There were some children who could not see their fathers as regularly as they wanted to. Often times this was due to distance; either mom or dad moving away due to a job or remarriage. However, a portion of these children didn’t feel any less connected to their fathers as a result. These children were apart of their dad’s life, had unlimited access to their fathers and felt completely loved by their fathers. Their fathers made it perfectly clear that they were interested in their lives and wanted their children to be apart of their lives. They called them consistently and inquired about school grades and activities. This group managed to have close relationships with their dads despite the distance.  As a result, it isn’t always true that fathers who have limited contact with their children will totally lose their relationships.

In conclusion, maintaining a relationship with dad post-divorce calls for cooperation on both mom and dad’s part. Mothers should never prevent their children from having a relationship with their father due to their own issues. In the longrun, it only creates more issues for the children. Mothers are in a position to either help facilitate contact or make it very very difficult. It’s unfortunate that most choose the latter because these children all agreed that consistent contact is beneficial in maintaining that emotional bond that they long for with their fathers. And fathers should never give up on maintaining relationships with their children because it gets a little difficult. Although you may have to modify your relationship with your children; it doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to develop meaningful relationships with them just because they don’t reside with you full-time, or as much as you’d like.  Make good use of email, cell phones, online photos and even webcams to communicate consistently with your children. Your relationships with them and your children will be better as a result.

Domestic Violence and Divorce: How the Children Really Feel

We are all taught that Honesty is the BEST policy.  With that thought, I have long thought about posting on the issue of domestic violence and how it affects children.  Unfortunately, for a long time, I have been embarrassed (one of the effects of DV) to speak on this subject from my own horrible experience with domestic violence, and of which, I feel that I am still struggling with 14 years after my divorce.  Before I begin, I do want to acknowledge that during my divorce, my ex-husband was ordered to and did attend and complete domestic battery counseling and anger management courses, and through that experience, and from what I am told, has never violently abused anyone else and has asked my forgiveness, of which I have given and daily ask God for strength to continue my forgiveness.  It is very hard to do.  We have one son together and I had a child prior to our marriage; they both experienced watching their mother repeatedly beaten, bruised, intimidated, torn down and shaken to her core.  They are almost 20 and 21 year old men now.  Over the years since our divorce, we have had, fortunately for me, to parent our son from a distance , but even the raising of his voices still frightens me to this day.

In my own healing, as Robin Roberts often says,  I have tried to make this “mess” into a “message” for others.  Through working in the family law field and having researched this topic of how children of divorce who have experienced domestic violence feel about themselves and their parents’ marriage, I give you the following:

Most children who experience DV (mostly on the mother) want their mothers to LEAVE and divorce their fathers.  Most children who experience DV in their lives end up with serious effects going into adulthood. My boys were 2 and 3 when it started and 4 and 5 when it ended and were able to communicate to me at 2 and 3 that they wanted to be away from daddy.  But, for me, I was scared to death — literally.  One day, a neighbor called the police and my ex told me that if I told them that he hit me, he would get out and kill me, and I would never see my children again.  I was scared, humiliated and lost.  So, I spent the following two years being further abused.  I was afraid to tell my family and often told my children to be quiet about it as well.  Then, the beatings got so I didn’t have to ”tell” anyone, it was made very apparent by my black eyes, busted lips, etc.  It wasn’t until my oldest son was in Kindergarten and I was called to school for an emergency meeting that the I had my “light bulb” moment.  The principal and the teacher sat me down and said that during recess, my son was sitting in the sand box with another student and was discussing with him how badly his mom was being beat up by his dad (which was actually his step-dad) and how he was afraid his mom was going to die.  I knew that day would be my last in that house because the school told me that they had to notify the authorities if I didn’t get my son out of that situation, immediately.  They were right, and it was what I needed to hear.  Fear can ground us and make us deaf, and I was on the path to my children not having a mother; which was my biggest fear.  I immediately filed for an emergency court hearing and the rest is history.  The court granted a restraining order, no overnight visitation, sole legal and physical custody, etc. etc.  To this day, that order remains in effect.

I always say, children live what they learn.  In my reading and research and through my own counseling,  I have learned that one-third of the children who witness the battering of their mothers demonstrate significant behavioral and/or emotional problems, including psychosomatic disorders, stuttering, anxiety and fears, sleep disruption, excessive crying and school problems.

Those boys who witness their fathers’ abuse of their mothers are ten times more likely to inflict severe violence as adults. Data suggest that girls who witness maternal abuse may tolerate abuse as adults more than girls who do not. These negative effects maybe diminished if the child benefits from intervention by the law and domestic violence programs.  One third of all children who see their mothers beaten develop emotional problems.  They feel shame, confusion, stress, fear or think that they somehow caused the problems that are causing their fathers to abuse their mothers.

Through my boys’ counseling, even up to the age of 12, my older son told his counselor that he was worried every single day that I would die.  That was his constant fear even years later after I was out of that situation.  My other son told the counselor that he had feelings of guilt that he couldn’t protect me and that he was angry that I didn’t immediately get divorced.  Of course, they didn’t understand and probably still don’t understand all of the feelings one goes through, but they knew enough to know that they wanted us to divorce.

There is another stunning statistic; the rate of child abuse is 6-15 times higher in families where the mother is abused.  Children with these experiences are more likely to run away, be suicidal and are at a greater risk of committing criminal acts as juveniles and adults.   Children do not have to be abused themselves in order to be impacted by domestic violence.

So, part of making my “mess” into a “message” is to tell my story in hopes that any of you readers who might be experiencing this yourself or who may know a close friend experiencing this can know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that finding the strength to face the fears we have as victims of domestic violence.   Our children do not deserve this tragedy and even though it is hard to put that first foot out there, it is the first step toward a more healthy life for you and, most importantly, your children. Some women will do anything to keep their families together for the sake of their kids. But I urge you not to stay in this type of marriage for the sake of your kids; instead, get a divorce for the sake of your kids.

Be blessed.

Diane

What the children want you to know…

Divorced parents argue, agonize and litigate constantly, over how much time their children will spend with each of them. As these parents are held captive by complicated calendars and negotiate [fight] about parenting time, it has become more and more apparent to me, that the battles are really power struggles due to fear of losing relationships with their children. Their concern is seemingly more about their interests rather than about their childrens’ best interest. Through it all, no one bothers to ask the children exactly how they feel and how it affects them. Parents either assume that their children will adjust, unaffected or are too wrapped up in “sticking it” to the other parent that they simply don’t care. Through informal interviews with children and adults of divorce and blended families as well as a research study done by Dr. Constance Ahrons, author of The Good Divorce, the inconsistency regarding what mattered to the children and what mattered to the parents was amazing. As such, I thought it would be interesting to share with you what the children want you to know.

As you may know, the opinions of children are often overlooked as it pertains to divorce, so they had a lot to say. As a result, I decided to create a series of articles regarding what the children want you to know. The first will be what the children want you to know about living arrangements and parenting time.

What the children want you to know about living arrangements and parenting time

Deciding living arrangements and parenting time after a divorce is just about as painful as contemplating the divorce itself. It’s extremely overwhelming when trying to agree on what’s in the best interest of your children post-divorce. Parents become engrossed by rigid schedules which calculate their respective time with their children to the exact second. They want to be sure that they aren’t being cheated out of their parental rights. Most mothers don’t want their babies bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball between households. They assume that by having their children spend the majority of time with them that they are creating stable households in an already chaotic world for their children. Fathers, on the other hand, desire to remain in contact and involved the way they were prior to the divorce, and feel that having equal time between both parents will allow their children to retain their relationships with each parent. Hopefully, by listening to these children, parents will be able to figure out the most favorable living and parenting time situation for their children.

The results from my study (20 children and adults who are products of divorce/blended families) and Dr. Constance Ahrons study (173 grown children of divorce and blended families) were consistent. All of them expressed that they would have liked to have their needs considered more. Some noted what really upset them, even more than the going back and forth, was the constant fighting over which one had more time. It truly made them feel as if it really wasn’t about spending time with them at all. Instead, it felt like they were more interested in punishing each other. Additionally, they said that they wanted to be able to maintain meaningful relationships with BOTH parents. When one parent limited contact with the other, for whatever reason, it made them feel as if they were losing that parent. It almost felt like a death, to them. They not only lost their family, but they lost a parent as well. All they want is to be able to continue their lives with as little stress and interruption as possible, and suddenly losing a relationship with a parent IS STRESSFUL!

These children also want you to know that transitioning from house to house IS HARD! To them, it feels like they have to deal with change over which they have no control. They want to have their needs considered. For example, older children (12 and up) desire flexibility in the parenting time schedule. Feeling tied to a strict schedule is annoying and unfair. Smaller children want to be reassured that things will be okay. They feel frightened, left out and confused.

When parents are in conflict

When parents are in conflict, children said that they NEVER look forward to going back and forth. They detest being grilled by either parent about what’s going on in the other household. They also despise their parents bad-mouthing the other, putting them in the difficult position of having to choose sides. These children expressed that their parents can reduce stress by at least minimally cooperating and leaving them out of grown up issues. This group also declared that they are smarter than what we give them credit for. Even the parents who are gritting their teeth to operate in what they think is a civil manner, their children still feel a great deal of hostility.

My husband and his ex-wife are a great example of this.  I once reached out to her asking if we could sit down and resolve our issues because she clearly had and has a major problem with me. Her response was that she didn’t wish to disrupt the level of calm and civility in K’s (stepson) life at this time. To her, things were calm and K was properly adjusting because nobody was literally tearing each other apart when in the same room. She didn’t take into account that visitation drop-off and pick-up occurs in front of a police station where they each stand on opposite sides of the street, while not even making eye contact with each other and delivering handwritten notes via K. But, even K and M (my son) could tell that there was a problem; which was why I tried to reach out to her. Often times K and M (at 6 and 7 years old) would debate about how much K’s parents (my husband and his ex-wife) HATED each other, and they used that specific word. So, parents just because you aren’t yelling and arguing back and forth at each other doesn’t mean that your children don’t pick up on the obvious tension.

When parents get along

About one fourth of the entire group noted how beneficial it was to have their parents cooperate with and even like each other! They appreciate their parents talking to each other, in a friendly manner, instead of passing notes via the kids. Having parents who get along helps ease the transition between households; it helps to normalize their dsyfunctional family. They expressed a feeling of security and were less worried about the changes of divorce. These children felt like they adjusted faster and didn’t dwell on their parents being back together again.

In my case, my ex and I cooperate with each other and communicate our disagreements pretty well. I will not say that we agree on everything, but we make every effort to hear the other out, work out an optimal compromise and don’t involve our son. We definitely put his needs above our own interests. We remain flexible with our parenting time schedule and he has unlimited access to either parent in our respective households. Drop off and pick up occurs at our respective homes, and we always have a friendly conversation at those times. As a matter of fact, all of us (me, my husband, my ex and his wife) are friendly with one another.  Our son has taken notice of this as well. When he was 6 years old (during that same conversation that he had with my stepson about his parents hating each other) he said that his mommy and daddy liked each other. I asked him how he could tell and he replied, “Because every time you each other, you smile and give each other a hug.” Recently, I asked him if he ever wanted his biological parents to be back together again; and he responded with an emphatic no! He said that he is happy with the way his family is and he wouldn’t change a thing.

What is evident is that regardless of parenting time and living arrangements, children hate being put in the middle. They want their parents to consider their feelings more and work together to resolve conflict that makes an already stressful situation even more stressful. Most importantly, these children want the opportunity to maintain stable and meaningful relationship with BOTH parents. They’ve already lost their family; they don’t desire to lose a parent, too.

Interesting Fact: Children whose parents were constantly in conflict after the divorce grew up to have trust and commitment issues in their own relationships. Almost all of them blamed the divorce on these issues. However, children whose parents cooperated, got along, and encouraged contact and  relationships with either parent grew up to embrace family and seemingly adjusted better than the other children post-divorce.

The Funhouse Syndrome

We’ve talked quite a bit about our moms and stepmoms; now I want to shift our focus to our dads. Dads also play a major role in the breakdown in communication within the blended family. This post will focus on how it affects their immediate blended family; meaning, second wife, remarried dad, his children, her children and sometimes, their children together.

I was watching the Tyra Banks Show last week and she was talking about her experience, as a child, with divorce. She said that when she went to her dad’s house there weren’t really any rules because he was way more lenient than her mom. As a result, she admitted that she had more attitude with her dad and more respect for her mom. A very common problem that divorced dads have is the need to be “best buddies” with their child. I call this The Funhouse Syndrome.

Many fathers have said, “I see him so little; I don’t want to waste time being his disciplinarian.” This is one of the many problems that I experienced with my husband and his son, during the beginning of our relationship. My husband’s guilt (divorced dads need to accept that guilt determines most of their poor parenting decisions with their child) often led him to believe that the rules of our house somehow didn’t apply to his son the same way they did to mine. For example, our children were very young when we got together, and like most parents, we tried to teach them the art of sharing. But when K (his son) didn’t feel like doing so, that rule was automatically null and void. Another example is I would tell K not to do something, but he did it, sneakily, anyway. Any other time my husband was a stickler for being out right defiant; we both were, but when K was being defiant (with me), we ALWAYS had to hear him out. In my opinion, some things are just black and white. If I tell you not to do something and you do it anyway, you are being defiant, and I don’t have to listen to the reason why. At any rate, K’s reason would ALWAYS be that he just wanted his parents to be back together again. This, in turn, automatically caused my husband to melt, allowing K to avoid the consequences of his actions.

Children are encouraged to blame the divorce for whatever unhappiness they feel, thereby giving them an excuse for their actions, when parents condone negative behavior. As I’ve stated in many other articles, our goal as parents (divorced or not) is to raise responsible adults. Therefore, divorced dads need to demand the same positive behavior from their child that they expected prior to the divorce. Not only do children need guidance, but having house rules that they are expected to abide by, makes them feel more apart of your household. Rules and expectations, believe it or not, make your child feel more safe and secure as well as creates a level of respect for BOTH divorced dad and second wife. It also makes your household run more cohesively because EVERYONE knows what to expect. When everyone knows what to expect you can avoid those unnecessary arguments revolving around things like: “why does this rule apply to M, but not to K?” What worked for us was creating a co-parenting policy.  I talked about this policy in a previous article. It’s a policy that lists all of the rules and consequences of the house. Sit down with the kids in your household, both biological and step, and explain the rules and consequences of the house. This way stepmom, divorced dad and blended children know what to expect.

Divorced dads need to remember that their child(ren) look to them for the example, therefore it is important to retain that role as dad so that their child(ren) have a positive example of what a dad and husband should be.  Dads, to their child(ren), are men of strength and courage. They make them feel safe and secure by offering love, support and GUIDANCE. They don’t allow their child(ren) to manipulate or guide them! Remain a parent and NEVER reverse that role out of guilt.

Another example that I experienced in my blended family that contributes to the Funhouse Syndrome is when it was always a party when the “part-timer” came over. In the beginning, every time K came over we had to have a big celebration. We did Chuck E Cheese, Great Times, he got video games, went to movies, etc. whenever K came over. This alone is not necessarily a problem, but it becomes a problem when such activity is the basis of your relationship. That child will only associate getting toys, going to movies, Chuck E Cheese, etc., with his visitation with you. This fosters the funhouse syndrome, which in turn, creates a VERY spoiled child. Why? Because that child will EXPECT you to entertain and provide his or her with their WANTS every time he or she visits.  No parent should want this type of relationship with their child, and they shouldn’t aim to raise this type of adult either. This type of negative parenting can also cause a rift between the biological and step-children. Children are much smarter than we give them credit for and will sense when one sibling is receiving preferential treatment over the other, no matter what the reason is. All in all, this treatment must be avoided in order to maintain a household that revolves around fairness. Just remember that all the children are hurting as a result of the divorce, not just your respective children. Both parents must consider the best interest of all of the children in the blended family, not just their own. You can not maintain a marriage or operate as a family in any other way.

As I’ve said many times before, I understand the divorced dad’s plight. It isn’t easy being suddenly separated from your child. You don’t get to see them as often as ex-wife, who is usually the custodial parent, does. As a result, you often feel the need to overcompensate. Many feel that since they couldn’t keep his  parents together, they can at least shower him with gifts and leniency during visitation. But, divorced dads must keep in mind that divorce creates so much confusion and feelings of abnormality in a child’s life. As such, the greatest gift you can give your child is the gift of normalcy - a normal household. A household that has lots of love, support, affection and yes, even sometimes material things. But, it also has rules, consequences and guidance! Even in a blended family, parents should always aim to raise responsible, independent, hopefully, compassionate, people. We don’t want to raise self-absorbed creatures who are continually encouraged to use their parents’ divorce as a crutch and excuse for their anger or actions. I agree so much with Diane when she declares that CHILDREN LIVE WHAT THEY LEARN! Don’t use your own issues with the divorce as an excuse not to be parent. Either way, your children will learn from YOU! If you teach them inappropriate behavior (no matter how good your intentions are) through your overcompensating behavior, you are doing an injustice to your child.

Readers, what are some of your experiences and opinions regarding The Funhouse Syndrome? BFSO wants to hear from you!