Creating a Family Friendly Recreation Room

Redecorating a family recreation room to accomodate a blended family may seem like a daunting task, but it doesn’t have to be. Family recreation rooms, also known as bonus rooms and game rooms, can be a great place for the family to hang out. The way the room is decorated will depend on the way the family plans to use the room. The most important thing is to create a space that the entire family will enjoy.

1. First, sit down as a family and decide what the space will be used for. Let everyone get involved in this process and give ideas. You are a family so it is important for everyone to enjoy this room. Decide what activities will take place in this room. Defining the space will make it easier to decorate the room.
2. Now that you have sat down as a family and decided what the room will be used for, you will need to create zones for each activity. For example, if you want a place to curl up with a good book, a comfortable chair placed in a corner may be ideal. Just make sure to include adequate lighting, if you do set up a reading zone. If watching television and playing games is the purpose of this room, you will need to set up zones for those activities as well. You may want to consider an entertainment center with lots of storage. The storage areas can house movies, games, CD’s and many other items.
3. The next thing you want to do is create a budget of how much you want to spend on updating the space. There are plenty of ways to decorate on a budget. Get creative. Don’t be afraid to update the old using something as simple as a can of spray paint. Let the family show their creativity as well.
4. It is now time to decide what furniture and accessories will be needed for the space. Do you already have the necessary pieces? Do you need to shop for additional pieces? Can you pull the items from other rooms? These are just some of the questions you should ask yourself. Look in decorating magazines to get ideas for furniture and accessories. If you need to buy new furniture for the room, it doesn’t have to cost a fortune. Buy multifunctional items, such as ottomans that double as a coffee table, seating and storage. There are many discount stores such as Target, Wal-Mart, TJ Maxx and Marshalls that sell furniture and accessories at discounted prices. You can also check your local newspaper classifieds, Craigslist and yard sales for used items. Clip coupons and check you weekly sales ads…shop around. Make sure to stock up on decorative baskets and boxes to store items such as books, CD’s and movies.

You don’t have to feel overwhelmed or be a professional to pull this task off. Enjoy yourself and remember to do this as a family. You and your blended family will be creating a space that the whole family will love. Lastly, make sure you keep the room organized! Be sure that everything has its’ own space. See to it that the family makes it a habit of returning items to their designated places. Nothing creates chaos in a home worse than clutter and disorganization!

Happy Decorating!!

Tia Spaulding, ASP

Owner of Creative Interiors and Home Staging

www.creativeinteriorsandhomestaging.com

Reality TV Casting for Blended Families!

BFSO Readers, Pietown TV is looking to cast blended families for the following:

Established non-fiction production company is casting all over the country for an OUTGOING, FUN family to be featured in their own series. Think “Jon and Kate Plus Eight…” We are looking for women about to transition from fabulous and single to STEPPARENT. Are you about to become an instant family? Are you a bit overwhelmed about the idea? We’d like to hear your story! This is a positive, upbeat show that parents of all types (step or otherwise) can relate to! To find out more information about the company and what we’re looking for, please contact Ally at Reality_Casting@pietown.tv - please put “Instant Family!” in the subject line.

This is a great opportunity for us to be depicted in a positive light, BFSO readers, so give it a shot. If your family fits the above description email them to share your story.  Let us know if they choose your family so we can show our support.

Advice from Relationship Coach…Lacee Jacobs!!

Diane,

I want to acknowledge your courage, your pain and the overall challenges that you have needed to endure to raise your son. I know that if  I had been in you shoes, I may not have done anything differently. Before moving towards offering the help you’ve requested, I want you to know that I have compassion for your journey.

My intent is to offer you support that could end your suffering. Many times in relationships, we choose suffering without knowing that we are making a choice. it is usually an unconscious choice that is accompanied by payoffs and hefty prices.

Let me give you an example of what I mean by this based on your experience.

Your Potential Payoffs:

• Being Right About Your Son’s Father - We love to be right. We choose being right over being in a relationship every day.
• Feeling protected - If you stay bitter, you may never have to be hurt again by this man. If you truly forgive him, you may be thinking to yourself “who knows what he could do this time around?” The big walls we construct for people gives us some false sense of safety.
• Attention/Sympathy - This one is always a hard pill to swallow. It requires us to be really honest with ourselves. The truth is if feels good to have someone show us attention. The best way to find out if this is true is to ask yourself how many times you’ve told this story about your son’s father over the years. Notice your motivation for telling the story.
• Enrollment- sometimes we are just looking for someone to side with us. We feel like if we can get people on our side then it won’t hurt as much.
• Playing Small - In a speech by Nelson Mandela, written by Marianne Williamson, he said that our greatest fear is that we are “powerful beyond measure.” Notice your choice of words, “it’s eating away at me (1st paragraph) and “My son doesn’t understand the things that his dad took away from me during those years of abuse. He took everything from me. My self-esteem, my self-worth, my pride and he placed fear in my heart.” It feels like you have given your power away. Who would you be in the world if you took all of your power back? When you share your story again, reframe your words and replace “he took from me” with “I gave him” and see if you notice anything differently. Changing our language alone can start to empower us. I hope you begin to see that you are powerful enough to rewrite your story.

Your Potential Prices:

• A stronger relationship with your son
• A stronger relationship between your son and his father
• A working relationship between your son’s father and you that models forgiveness
• Greater success in your life. It takes tons of energy to keep this in place.
• Your self-esteem
• Peace
• Harmony

I do not know if any of the statements I have made are true. I invite you to write down what you believe are the payoffs and prices for you. Once you have completed your list, ask yourself if you are willing to continue to the pay the prices in order to receive the payoffs. If you are no longer willing to pay the prices, make a list of what you need to do or who you need to become to have your prices become your payoffs.

Example:

I choose to be forgiving in order to create a working relationship with my son’s father.

I will bring a heart of peace and encourage a relationship between my son and his father.

I will only tell my story when it will be used as a tool for making a positive different in someone else’s life or I am seeking support for my own personal development and growth.

I will release the past so that my family may have peace and harmony.

I pray that his exercise will have you moving towards a greater sense of awareness and unconditional love for yourself and others.

Thank you for allowing me to contribute.

Lacee Jacobs

Certified Relationship Systems Practitioner

www.myinspiredinsights.com

Reader’s Question for the Advisory Board

BFSO is consulting the Advisory Board once again. This time we need to help a reader figure out what she should do. Below is her scenario and my response. We know the best advice comes from those who are living or have lived it. Please respond with open minds and sincere hearts.
Reader’s Question:

I’m a Mom and my ex-husband (in which we’re both remarried) have 50/50 custody. However, we live in different towns and my kids go to school in his hometown.

My problem is that my exes new wife is my children’s primary caregiver. She is currently housesitting for her mother, in which her and my children are staying there, but my ex husband is staying at their house. This is strange to me because my exes wife’s mothers home is in the same town as my exes home. My ex said that he’s getting a lot of work done while they’re gone.

I work from home and want my kids to live with me and go to school in my home town. My ex will not give them up. he says that their home is there and that their school is there. Although I agree that stability in the same school is important, my kids aren’t being taken care of by him. They’re being taken care of by their stepmom. (who is very nice by the way).

Should I take this to court since obviously my ex isn’t the one primarily taking care of them and I have the circumstances and great desire to have them with me?

What’s your thought?

My Response:

Hi Jakki! Thanks so much for stopping by.

I am sorry that you’re in this position. It’s tough when you’re really trying to make decisions based on what’s best for your children. I am sure that your decision to allow your children to remain in your ex’s hometown was based on just that [doing what's best for them]. However, being cared for, primarily, whenever possible, by both of their biological parents is equally important. My questions to you would be: 1) How many days of the week do you get to see them as you stated that you share custody? 2) How many times a week does your ex actually have them since his wife is caring for them outside of their home? 3) Is there a reason why your children live with your ex in the first place?

All of those questions would definitely influence whether or not I would take my ex to court. But, just from the information you’ve provided above, if my children weren’t being primarily cared for by me or my ex, then something would definitely have to change. While I’m sure that your ex’s wife is a great person (after all, she’s caring for your children), I don’t think it’s fair to you, to her or to your children to have her primarily care for them; especially when neither you, nor your husband share a residence with them.

Here are a couple of options to consider:

1. Take your ex to court for physical custody as it’s almost impossible to have joint physical custody when you both reside in different hometowns. I’m not sure how old your children are, but they will adjust to a new school. If one is a senior in high school, then it might be best to allow him to finish out the year in his current school. Other than that, kids move all of the time, and they adjust.

2. You mentioned that you worked from home, so how possible would it be for you to move to the town where your children reside? This way, they could live with you, stay in their school, but still have unlimited access to their father.

I hope I’ve helped in some way, Jakki. I’ll repost this scenario so that readers will have a chance to respond as well.

Grace and Peace,

*Kela*

Help! I Need the BFSO Advisory Board

BFSO readers, I need your opinion.   I have been opining this subject for a while now.  Actually, it is eating away at me because I have always tried really hard to not let what an ex does or doesn’t do or something he says or doesn’t say to me bother me.   My 19 year old son, L’s, father lives in California.  We were married for 5 years.   During that time, as I have written before, he was very physically abusive to me in front of my two older boys.  My oldest son was not his biological child.

Last May, when my son graduated high school, my ex and I got into a huge argument, over the phone over his car insurance payment.   The only thing I ask him to do is pay his car insurance $72.00 a month and that has only been since he was 17.  So, the first 17 years, he never paid a dime of support or helped me in anyway.  He didn’t work when we were married.  Anyway, at the time of our argument, he said to me “Diane, our son is 19.  I don’t have to have anything else to do with you.  I don’t have to talk to you, I can talk to L from now on.”   That really made me think.  How do you say that to the mother of your child?  If it weren’t for me, he wouldn’t have his only son, his namesake.

Well, he’s right.  He doesn’t.  But, that really hurt me.  I raised this boy on my own, got the crap beat out of me by this man, and now he just writes me off  because our son is 19.  I think what bothers me more is that my son WANTS a relationship with him.   For some reason, I feel a little bit betrayed by my son.   I was the one struggling, making $15,000 a year, eating oatmeal at night so the boys could eat what little meat I could afford to buy.  I was the one crying at night wondering how I was gonna pay the daycare that next week, buy groceries and have enough money to last me to the next paycheck.

I never asked for child support from him, not a dime.  We divorced when my son was 4.  I was so afraid of him that I didn’t want him to have any reason to come around us.  The court ordered supervised visitation, with no overnights and that he seek batterers treatment counseling, etc.   The court did order child support, but I stipulated that he didn’t have to pay it and I moved away.  My question is….why would my son want a relationship with him when he has done NOTHING  for him, ever?  Needless to say, from the time my son was 8 through now, 19, my son has seen him a total of 4 times.  Now that he is 19, my ex tries to have a father-son relationship with him, calls him on his cell, talks about the Lakers; which is both of their favorite team.   My son acts like they are the best of friends and it makes me almost physically sick because he has no idea the pain this man has caused me.   Just the raising of this man’s voice still scares me to this day.   My son doesn’t see that pain.  My son doesn’t understand the things his dad took away from me during those years of abuse.  He took everything from me.  My self-esteem, my self-worth, my pride and he placed fear in my heart.   Why does he want to  have anything to do with him?  I know I am being selfish.  My son deserves a relationship with his father….but he is a horrible father.   I have forgiven my ex, but I haven’t forgotten and I guess, I didn’t expect my son to forget either.

It bothers the heck out of me.   HELP!!!!!

Diane

Second Time Around Love Stories

For years the images of second wives have always wavered from one horrible image to another. If not the gold-digging young tenderoni that the man just wants as a trophy wife; it’s the much younger secretary that the man had an affair with. The woman that the ex-wife claims stole her husband, children and family. Or worst, the second wife is simply viewed as second choice and is perceived as always living in the shadow of his one true love and mother of his children. Perhaps this is the case with some second marriages, but these images shouldn’t be the only ones that we think of when we ponder second marriages. For many men, their second wives are hardly second best, but the true loves of their lives.

My Real Life Love Story

My wonderful husband often tells me that I am his one true love. He says that he didn’t truly know what love was until he experienced it with me. He calls me one of God’s most perfect creations - I love that man!! At any rate, our love definitely doesn’t mirror that of those tarnished images mentioned above.

We met in high school. I was 14 and he was 15. He played basketball with my brother and some other boys from my neighborhood (he didn’t live in my neighborhood) on occasion. I also saw him everyday in school (between periods) and we would always exchange a friendly ‘hi’ and keep going. He undoubtedly possesed the sweetest, most gentle spirit that you’d ever meet. I immediately felt connected when in his presence and always knew that we would be [connected] in some way. I just didn’t know how and really didn’t give it much thought; it was just something that I keenly felt. We didn’t date in high school, but remained friends. We lost touch, however, for many years after that. I saw him again after college at a local pancake house. I was having breakfast with my mom, cousin and son and he, with his friend. He walked over to me and immediately, that same high school feeling returned. And, he was seemingly the same sweet, gentle individual that I knew long ago. We played catch up for a few minutes and then he walked back to his table. Although I didn’t see a ring and he didn’t mention it, I heard that he was married so that was it - so I thought. As he was getting ready to leave he came back over to our table. He said that he had a son who looked to be about my son’s age, and he would love to get them together sometime. I thought that would be a fabulous idea so we exchanged phone numbers. After playing phone tag for a few weeks, we finally got together, but without the boys! On our first date, he revealed to me that he had been separated for over 2 years and was going through a divorce. Anyway, we literally saw each other almost everyday after our first date, and it felt like we had never been apart.  Our boys got along great! They are only 3 months apart and soon became best friends. To this day, he is still the same sweet, gentle, loving man that I remembered in high school, and after 8 years, it only gets stronger. Our love is not one that was obtained by default; it was by design, God’s design. And, everything that we shared with our past significant others only prepared us to receive and appreciate the true love that we currently share. It’s funny because although I always felt that we’d be connected in some way, even back in high school, I never dreamed that I was passing my true love in those hallways.

I know that there are other second marriage love stories out there. We just rarely hear about them. I want to hear yours. Leave a comment or send an email to info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com to tell me about your second marriage love story.

What Should I Do? I need my BFSO Advisory Board!

I have an issue that I’d like to reach out to the BFSO Advisory Board (that’s you readers, by the way) for advice on. It’s about my ex and his relationship with our son. Most of you know, by reading the blog, that my ex is an overseas basketball player and has been since I was pregnant with our son. As such, he’s been living out of the country ever since our son was born and he’s now 11. As a result, they pretty much don’t have a meaningful relationship. My ex wants to change that and so do I, but we clash on how to do so. He is only in the states about 8 weeks, maybe a little more on occasion, out of the entire year and has been since I was pregnant. Therefore, my son has never had the opportunity to develop a meaningful bond with him. It took my son a long while before he actually wanted to go over to their house, without being forced.  Over the past few years, however, it has gotten better; especially since his wife and son stay behind while he goes to Spain to play basketball. It has allowed my son to spend more time in his second home, with his second mom and little brother. Now, he loves to spend as much time with them [his second mom and brother] as he can, and I certainly don’t mind. As a matter of fact, my husband and I are both very happy that he asks to go over every weekend, holiday or whenever he has a break from school. It confirms that his second mom really makes him feel at home when he’s there.  I thank God for that…what a relief! The problems occur when my ex returns for his 8 week visit. My son almost instantly withdraws and doesn’t want to go over.  Last summer, he even said, “I’ll just wait until dad leaves before I go over there again.” When I asked him why he said that he just didn’t feel comfortable when his dad was there. He said that he’d like for him (his dad) to get to know him better.

Let me explain…my son is a highly intelligent, straight A student. He started booting up the computer (on his own) and playing educational games at age 18 months, putting together 100 piece puzzles before age 2 and reading, fluently, by age 3. He’s our brainiac who loves anything having to do with science. Some of our conversations are even over my head! Additionally, he’s the sweetest, most kind-hearted, compassionate, wise individual (not kid, but person) that you’d ever meet. Most people (his teachers, friends’ parents, etc) literally compare him to Ghandi. His bio-dad, on the other hand, is a jock. He’s the professional basketball player, who like most (I don’t mean to stereotype, but it’s true) are self-absorbed individuals, who think that world starts and stops around their schedule because they play basketball. Are you starting to see how the two completely clash??

With that said, I can really tell, especially since my ex is getting older and finally growing up, that he desires a more meaningful relationship with our son. But, he wants our son to do so on his terms. He thinks that by forcing him to stay the entire summer (the 8 weeks that he’s here) that their relationship will automatically improve. I told him that forcing him would potentially do more harm than good. By the time my son gets over the shock of being forced to stay in an environment that he’s not comfortable in, it’s time for the ex to skip town again, for a year, and they get to do it all over again the next summer. I explained to him that forcing him to be with him will not do any good until he decides to stay put for more than 8 weeks in the summer. Additionally, being a parent is much more than just having him in the house with you. You have to spend time with him and even do things that he wants to do at times.  And, because you’ve never had an opportunity to bond, alone time is essential as well.  My ex just doesn’t get it at this point. I will say, however, that I can really tell that he’s making a concerted effort to understand where I’m coming from. I’m so happy that although we don’t agree on everything or even always understand each other’s points of view, we both talk about it like adults and then attempt to work out an optimal solution. And, at the end of the day, we both really want what’s best for our son. What a blessing to have finally arrived at this point!

My question for the BFSO Advisory Board is, should I force my son to stay the 8 weeks in the summer, if he doesn’t want to? Legally, I am not obligated to do so because the judge ordered that he give 60 days notice prior to arriving in the states, which he has never done because he said that he just can’t. However, I’m always flexible with the parenting time schedule and allow my son to see his dad and/or second mom as much as he wants. My thoughts are that if dad were doing everything that he was supposed to do, we wouldn’t have to force him. I’ve told him to call regularly, not just from time to time. Use email to communicate with him on a regular basis. I even suggested a webcam for more frequent contact. But, he’s acted on none of my suggestions. Why should I be flexible and bend over backwards to achieve this goal [my son spending more time with him], and why should my son be forced to be uncomfortable, if dad can’t hold up his end of the bargain? Whether it be because he can’t or isn’t willing? What do you readers think?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy New Year to all of the BFSO readers and your families! Let’s all thank God for carrying us through 2008. I certainly know that I could not have made it without Him!

We wish you happiness, good health, prosperity and peace in the upcoming year. A new year means a fresh start, and I hope that all of you take advantage of this fresh start. It’s a chance to do things differently; whether it be bury hatchets, react differently or simply decide to choose peace in the midst of your current circumstances. Remember, all of our feelings and beliefs are truly based on our internal thoughts and conversations with ourselves. WE ARE IN CONTROL whether we know it or not. If you are feeling overwhelmed about any aspect of your blended family, the first step to changing your attitude is changing that inner conversation. 2009 is your fresh start!

Also in 2009, BFSO promises to bring you more insightful posts, guest bloggers in the areas of relationship coaching, family law, tips on how to teach all of my blended family wives how to keep it spicy (use your imagination) and much more. In 2009, we are focusing on the entire family; from how to keep it spicy in the bedroom, to how to decorate your favorite room. From how to deal with the ex-spouse in your life, to how to maintain peace in what some perceive as an insane existence. We want you to know that your blended families’ problems DO NOT define your families. The operative word in blended family is family, and in 2009 BFSO will show you how to keep the focus on your family!

Lastly,  I want to sincerely thank all of my readers! Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, which just started out as my way to vent my frustrations. I never expected it to be as helpful to others as it has been. Nor, did I ever expect to learn so much from all of you, too!

And so, let’s gear up for a fabulous 2009! No more looking back as the best is yet to come.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

From the Blended Family Soap Opera Family