The Washington Post

A couple of weeks ago I was interviewed by Theola Labbe-DeBose, staff writer at The Washington Post, about blended family issues. I’m so excited that the media is finally starting to take notice of blended families and the real issues that we face in order to hold our families together. 

Mrs. Labbe-DeBose is interested in speaking with more men and women who are affected by these issues, particulary as they relate to health care. If you are interested in speaking with her about these issues, please send an email to labbet@washpost.com.

*Kela*

Maintaining Everlasting Bonds by Kela Price

It’s no secret that divorce, remarriage, and re-coupling; especially when there are children involved, can be hard on the entire family – ex-spouses, children, new spouses and the in-laws and other extended family members. People don’t realize or even consider the feelings of ex-brother and sister-in-laws, ex-mother and father-in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins…It is difficult, and for some, impossible to let go of bonds that were established during years of matrimony. As a matter of fact, is it fair to ask this of our extended family members?

My ex and I were together for nearly six years and he spent plenty time with my family. He was there for holidays, birthdays, family reunions and so much more. He hung out with my brother, watched sports with my father and was there to emotionally support my family and I when my father was terminally ill. He was more than just a boyfriend and eventually the father of my child. He was truly a member of our family. So, as you can imagine, it was difficult for my family to just break all ties; which is what was initially best.

As I’ve stated in earlier post, it’s so harmful to try and throw everyone together if there are unresolved feelings, emotions and conflicts about your divorced husband or wife. It takes time to get to the point when you all can gather together in the name of family. Certainly, if you want to gouge your ex-wife’s eyes out or secretly pray that your ex-husband is run over by a freight train, it’s probably not a good idea for you to attend extended family gatherings together. And, if this is the case, your extended family should respect your need to heal as well as your current spouse’s need for time to adjust. As such, in-laws, if you must continue a relationship with the ex, do so on your own time. Don’t force everyone to attend gatherings until all involved parties are ready to do so. Remember, your loyalty should lie with your child AND his or her current spouse. Pushing the idea too prematurely often does more harm than good.

Side Note: Often times the adults want to use the children as an excuse for pushing their way in, due to their own hidden agendas. “But little Billy wants me there.” Please be realistic and honest about your own agendas that have nothing to do with the child. You know that little Billy NEVER benefits from having his whole family together, if they are at each other’s throats. Children pick up and are gravely affected by obvious tension.

In my case, it took years before my ex could stop by my mom’s house (that’s where my brother, his wife, my husband and our kids usually gather for Sunday dinner) for a visit. For years, my family asked about him and missed him, but respected my current husband and I enough not to push. This summer, however, my ex stopped by just to drop something off, but decided to sit and chat for a while. Surprisingly, it wasn’t all that awkward. He hugged my mom, talked to my brother, played with the children…After nearly 8 years of working on co-parenting and adjusting to our new lives, we’ve finally buried those hatchets, resolved old feelings and can concentrate on being better parents and even friends. Additionally, my husband and his wife are secure in our respective marriages and are comfortable with our ex-spouses. More importantly, we all share a mutual respect for each other and know the appropriate boundaries that must not be crossed. All of these factors must be present prior to participating in immediate or extended family gatherings.

The famous Simmons family is a perfect example of how to successfully blend an extended family. This picture was taken from Essence Magazine in an issue where they showcased their favorite blended families.

Children, ex-spouses and in-laws have to lose so much after a divorce; property, money, homes, relationships, etc., but family shouldn’t be one of those things. Although biological ties are the main reason that blended families are thrown together; it shouldn’t be an essential requirement for being a family. I’m fully aware that evolving past any bitterness and hurt and resolving old feelings is crucial prior to challenging the traditional notion of family. But, don’t allow that bitterness and hurt or unrealistic expectations to prevent healthy bonding within the blended family. Allowing this bonding to occur confirms our reality as blended families and that is, that all of the members of the extended blended family are family. We are all there or at least we should be, for the same purpose; to raise healthy, well-adjusted, well-rounded compassionate citizens of this world. At some point, that must take precedence over our past unresolved feelings and hurt. When you embrace this notion, children are no longer held hostage by the pain of having to choose, but instead, they are free to just love. More importantly, they only benefit from the true experience of having several parents to love and be loved by, along with additional family members with whom they can establish everlasting bonds.

A Beautiful Blend by Julia Rutland

There has been much more open ongoing dialogue regarding race, race relations, and family lineage recently due to the election of our first African American President Barack Obama.  Yay!  I have read two separate articles this past weekend – one in Real Simple magazine and one in Wonder Time Magazine regarding parents of different races raising children either by adoption or interracial marriage. I wasn’t impressed with either article, and I was trying to figure out why.

I know this is a touchy subject but one I feel very strongly about and one I am exceptionally close to.  My husband happens to be African American as was my ex-husband, I am Caucasian and my three girls are a beautiful mixture of all of us.  They got the best of us that’s for sure!  There is enough challenge within the blended family with relationships, ex’s, step-parents, etc. without throwing race into it, but we did and this is our life.  Besides the fact that my ex-husband and his wife and my husband and I are all good friends and raise our daughter together and spend holidays together and so on, we are all separate people with separate lives and opinions.  We each have dated people of our own races, of other races, cultures, and religions.  We just happened to fall in love with the people we did because we love them as people.  My husband is the most amazing father and that has nothing to do with his skin color. It has more to do with how he was raised by his family and his character.  In addition, we each have our own stories of prejudice against us in our lives for either being African American as the case withmy husband and ex-husband, or for me being married to an African-American.  You would think that in this day and age things would be so much more accepted and people are people and that’s it.  Well, that isn’t always the case and it’s sad.  Very very sad!

As I stated before, I have three gorgeous little girls who live in not only a blended family but in blended race households as well.  My oldest daughter is 11 and spends time with her dad and step-mom every Wednesday evening and every other weekend.  Her sisters are four years old and 1 year old and they like to spend time with my oldest daughter’s step-mom AND my ex-husband, too!  Some people think it’s odd and that is fine.  I feel that the more positive people you have around your children the better.  The little ones don’t know that some people don’t think it’s “okay” for them to love my ex-husband and his wife and I hope they never know that.  How terrible to tell children who to love just because of the families they were born into? My own husband likes knowing that his girls are taken care of and it just happens to be with my ex-husband and his wife sometimes.  I really hate to keep saying my ex-husband and his wife because they are really much more than that – they are a part of our extended family.  They are truly our family.

The relationships we share as husbands and wives and the relationships we share as parents to children don’t change because of race.  I have had my food thrown at me from drive-through windows because I was in an interracial marriage. I have had women stop me in the grocery store and take it upon themselves to let me know how I need to do my daughter’s hair. I have had numerous threats of bodily harm. I have had issues in regards to employment, and many other ridiculous things because of who I choose to love.  No, not choose to love but who God has blessed me with and sent for me to love and share my life with.  And this ridiculousness doesn’t come from one race – it comes from many.

I never want my children to have to choose a side in anything. I’ve been told that I’m not being realistic but I just refuse to think so.  My daughters should never have to choose between us as parents because we all try to be on the same page when it comes to parenting, and they shouldn’t have to choose a race because they are a perfect blend of each of their parents.  Society can be cruel and I am trying to brace them for that.  If they have a strong foundation at home first, then society won’t be able to hurt them as much and that’s what I am counting on.  You can’t fully prepare your children for every single struggle in life but you teach them how to deal with situations that may arise.  Every problem may not have a solution but teaching them how to work through adversity is key.

We, as parents, my husband, ex-husband and his wife, are of mixed races and blended families ourselves.  We are teaching our children from experience and from real life lessons.  How can that be wrong?  In the end, it is my greatest hope that my daughters grow up to be good people.  Period.  If we have raised intelligent, beautiful, strong, young women, who positively contribute to our society then our job has been done; no matter what our race.

Developing a lasting bond by Diane Greene

Becoming a great step-parent can be a challenging task but it is also an opportunity to create a lasting bond with your step-children that they will grow to cherish. As a step-mother, I know that in my experience the process has involved time, trust and mutual respect for my step-daughter and her mother. My step-daughter, her mother and father are very close, so developing a special relationship just between her and I was important. It was equally important that I support my step-daughter’s relationships with all of her siblings. As such, I also share a relationship with her siblings from her mother’s current marriage. I realize that this is not always attainable or even something that a lot of our readers may want in their blended families, but it works for us. So, I thought I’d share my experience in hopes that some of you may begin to view your situation differently and take that first step towards creating a more cohesive family unit. Remember, it’s not where you start in this race of the blended family, but it’s where you end up that matters.

From the beginning, I never pressured my step-daughter. She is eleven years old and I have been permanently involved in life since she was six. I didn’t want to push the idea that she HAD to bond with me. I let her form her own ideas about our relationship and allowed her to open up to me on her own terms. As she has gotten older, we talk often about our blended family. I know that I have instilled in her that I would never try to replace her mother. Right there, that created a very important factor is our relationship – CONFIDENCE and TRUST. These are two of the most important factors in any step-child/step-parent relationship.

Another thing that I try my best to do is reserve judgment when her parents are arguing about something. I don’t take sides. As I have stated in other posts, I try to be more of an intermediary between the two. That way, my step-daughter knows that she can come to me with her feelings and she will know that I am not going to downgrade either of her parents. She will not have to defend them to me. Do you see where I am going with this?

I don’t want to come off as if I down-play my role; like I am not heard because this is not the case at all. My life with my step-daughter has been a journey like no other. I am the biological mother of three boys, so I enjoy having a daughter to share things with. Her mother and I are different, yet alike in many ways. I want my step-daughter to be able to share memories of me that she is fond of, not ones of defense and strife. I want to continue to connect with her in a way that she never forget and respect her for who she is and what she loves in life. Then, i will reap the rewards of a fond relationship.

Peace and Blessings,

Diane

Two Become One…winner of Second Time Around contest!

We received a lot of second time around love stories submissions, both via email and comments, for our contest. And the winner is….Tina, from Indianapolis! The way she met her current husband was so unique that we just couldn’t choose any other. As the winner, Tina will receive $50 just in time for Valentine’s Day! View her story below.

Wow, it’s spring again. The snow is melting, the grass is green and the birds are chirping. I made it through another Valentine’s Day, ALONE! I want to find someone just for me. I now I have flaws and all, no one is perfect. But, surely, someone is out there just for me. I just know it! I’m frustrated with trying to go to the clubs to meet someone. We all know how that ends up! And, As good-natured as people are, please no more blind dates. It just feels WRONG to try to talk to someone at church too! Where do I find the one for me? Where should I look?

My best friend, Lisa, said she received a phone call from a dating service called Great Expectations. She said they have high quality men and they were different from other services. I had already tried another dating service before so I was skeptical. Oh, I’ve got stories: Stalker Boy, Short Man with Long Nose Hairs, etc., but that’s a different story. You could pick and choose who you wanted to meet. No one set you up, you had all the control, and for me, that was important! If the person wanted to meet you, phones numbers were exchanged and you were on your way. I knew, with this being, the second time around, I wanted to do things differently. The first thing I did was open my mind to all men, not just my type. Hell, at one point, I wasn’t sure what my type was anyway! I began to look for qualities I wanted from the inside out: Can he make me laugh? Does he have a caring nature? Does he know God and go to church? I didn’t put much emphasis on a college degree, but wanted someone with a stable work history and wasn’t afraid to work hard. They didn’t have to be 6’2, light-skinned, pretty eyes, good hair…you get my drift. The one thing I wouldn’t budge on was nice teeth and smile. Hey, a girl has to set standards!

This was also a time for me to reflect on what assets I brought to the table. I was petite, great smile, nice teeth, big butt…you know, all the makings for a great find, right? Well, I was also a single mom of two children, late 20′s, had some serious debt and was still in college. I needed to be sure that the investment I was making was something I was really ready to do. Not only was it a money commitment, but a time commitment as well. Could I juggle a full-time job, full-time course load, kid’s activities and get to know someone? I knew that If I was serious and spending a pretty penny to do this, so were the people I would meet. Yes, African-American men would be serious about finding a partner, right????

My first day in the library, I felt like a kid in a candy store! For every woman, she had NINE men to choose from! You can’t get odds like that at the club. The very first guy I wanted to meet was Ben. What attracted me to him was his smile and sense of style. As I read his bio, he liked watching movies and going to new restaurants. Well, that sounded like some things I liked to do, too! As I continued to read, I found out that he was 5’11, a Customer Service Representative, had some college and was open to dating someone with children (he didn’t have any). So, if I would have stuck to my ‘type’ I would have passed him by. Instead, I chose to introduce myself and see where things took off.

So I waited and waited and no response if he wanted to meet me. I am a very take charge kind of woman and, impatient to boot, and was not going to leave it alone until I knew if he wanted to meet me or not. Over Memorial Day weekend in 2003, I sent him a MemberGram. A MemberGram is a handwritten note asking the person of interest to read your bio and repsond to your request. Ben called me the following weekend and we talked over 2 hours that initial conversation. When Ben came to the door for our first date a week later, I opened the door and saw his big smile and immediately thought “Oh my God! I love him! This is my husband!” I had never had a feeling like that before! We went to the movies, dinner and dancing that Saturday night. On Sunday, we watched John ! and walked on the Canal. It was the most romantic date I had ever had. I felt so comfortable talking to Ben about any and everything. I felt I had truly found my soul mate!

Now, I was not the type to parade dates in front of my kids. I had decided long before that I would not have a revolving door when it came to men. I had a son and a daughter that I did not want to give the wrong impression. I didn’t want to have to answer, “Is this my new daddy?” But, I had strong feelings for Ben, even after only two weeks! I decided to let Ben meet my kids. We went to Ritter’s, a favorite of my kids. Ben had never been before. My then 6 year old daughter was very precocious. She asked a few questions and then gave him a hug to say hi. My 8 year old son was a bit stand-offish, but that was to be expected. The real test would be a trip to Wal-Mart. Ben went with us and I prayed that my kids would be on their best behavior. Guess what, they weren’t! They ran around the store like BeBe’s kids, ran over Ben’s heels with the cart and yelled! I was so embarrassed! I just kept thinking, ‘he’s never going to call me again!’ He seemed to take it all in stride, pretty good for a guy who didn’t have any kids. He went back to my apartment and helped me unpack the groceries. After we put everything away, he told me he needed someone like me in his life. I questioned him and asked him if he needed chaos. He said he was ready for an adventure and wanted to take the journey with me. I said yes and we’ve been together ever since!

Ben and I were married in a civil ceremony in September, 2006. I had a small bouquet and my daughter had a few flowers to hold. The Civil Servant took a picture of us after the ceremony. We only had our kids there to share the moment with us. In our vows, we stated how we would always put family first and stick by each other’s side, no matter what. We knew marriage would be hard but we were both committed to making it work.

Today, we make our blended family work by open and honest communication and a lot of love. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it is definitely worth the effort. Keep your heart and mind open and you never know what is around the corner for you the second time around.

Divorce Parties by Kela Price

I was watching the Tyra Banks show the other day and her topic was divorce parties. Various women were talking about how they were celebrating their divorces however; when they all shared their stories individually, you could see the pain in their eyes as tears rolled down their faces. I could tell that they were trying to convince themselves to celebrate their new found singlehood, but really didn’t feel much like celebrating at all.

Divorce is a very difficult and scary thing to deal with. It can literally turn EVERYONE’S  world upside down. And although there is and should be a brief grieving period, one shouldn’t dwell on what could’ve, should’ve or might have been. It prevents EVERYONE from moving on; your ex, your children and YOU! Yet, so many women have trouble with truly moving on after a divorce.

So I pondered this concept of divorce parties for several days prior to writing this post. I wanted to be absolutely certain as to how I felt about the concept; making sure that I don’t promote the idea of divorce as a solution to all marital problems because it is not. If your husband leaves the toilet seat up, calls you a bad cook or even dislikes your mother, these are not reasons to even contemplate a divorce. But, if there are issues that you just can’t move past, such as an affair, then sometimes moving on is the best option for everyone.

When the choice is made (sometimes it’s made for you) and after you’ve had that brief grieving period, it’s time to look toward the future. This is where the concept of divorce parites come into play. At this point, there’s no more dwelling on how your ex-husband failed you, how you failed your ex-husband or how you both failed the children. What’s done is done and now it’s time to move forward. First, take some “me” time. Time to rediscover who you are; not you the wife or you the mother, but you the individual. Fall in love with her, get your confidence back and embrace the new you. Embrace all of the potential that your future holds instead of dwelling on the past. Second, figure out what’s next. What are you going to do with your life? If your husband was the breadwinner, then you might contemplate going back to school or finding a new career path. Third, use your past in a positive way from this point on. Instead of dwelling on the negative, use it to propel you forward. Learn from the positive AND the negative; his mistakes AND yours. That experience, believe it or not, will play a huge role in the person that you will become.

I got to the point where I actually thanked (not literally) my ex for all of our shared experiences because they shaped who I am today. I learned what to do and what not to do. I learned what I would tolerate and what I just couldn’t. One of my favorite artist is Brandy because there is a song on her Afrodisiac album called ‘Who I Am’ (a song about her own “break up”) that sums up how I feel and the point I am trying to make. The course is as follows:

“Thank you for all the tears, all the stress. You’re the best. I feel blessed. I’m a better woman now. Look how I smile, all you did was help the next man. This experience made me who I am.”

So for me, divorce parties symbolize a celebration. It means celebrating new beginnings, the new you, being grateful for your past and embracing your future. Adopting this way of thinking decreases one’s chances of holding grudges, being bitter and taking it out on everyone in the blended family. It allows you to embrace what’s to come instead of dwelling on what should’ve been and enables the entire family to move on.

Team Family…by Tiya Sumter

Three Strategies Needed to Win

When a blended family is created sometimes wounds, baggage and a fear of not getting it right may come along with that. Being a product of a blended family, I placed certain expectations on my dad (he remarried). If he couldn’t get it right with my mom, he’d better show me (in this other relationship) why he chose to my step-mother instead. What I learned from that experience (it’s been 30+ years now) is that in order to make it work, we have to make sure everyone is taken care of, that everyone feels equally loved. It helps when the family spends quality time together developing bonds and coming to the realization that they are al on the same team. Here are some great ways to build up that team, we’ll call “Team Family.”

1. Family Mission Statement includes the goals and plans you have for your family. Each member must contribute. It is critical that everyone feels included and confident that their thoughts, feelings and opinions matter. Also included are the roles and importance that each member holds in the family and what you want your family to represent. A peaceful home, one filled with joy and fun, happiness and plenty of love are all wonderful goals to aim for. Whatever your primary goal is as a family, each member’s actions should reflect that mission. It is okay to refer back to the statement from time to time as a reminder of what the family said was important. After you amicably create your mission statement, it’s time to start planning. The plans for your family should encompass the vacations and activities you want to enjoy together. A fair way to plan is to alternate, have children pick the vacation one year and the parents, the next year.
2. Family Fun Nights Making family night a ritual in your home is a must. Family night can include games, cooking contests, living room sleepovers, dance contests, movie watch and review nights and much more. Just taking the time, turning off the television and computer to just talk is extremely effective for building a strong team. Be open and think outside the box when planning your family fun night. One more great option for a blended family is the get to know you game. Asking general questions, such as who’s afraid of spiders or whose favorite color is green is a great way to see how well the family knows one another. Have each family member anonymously put down a few random facts about themselves, place them in a hat and allow each member to pull one out and guess which person it is. This works well with families that have older children.
3. Always Consider The Team. Working together is what keeps the team strong. Always communicate with one another on how you can make your family better. Let the children speak up and share what they can contribute to the success of the family with the parents sharing the same. Ask yourself what you can personally do to add (that joy, peace and happiness…refer to your mission statement) to your family. Remember, actions do speak louder than words. Show true team family spirit and teamwork with every action. Each family member’s energy and positive attitude are necessary to “Team Family.” When you are on the same team, working and planning together will definitely help you reach your ultimate goal…”Winning.”

Tiya Sumter is a Certified Life and Relationship coach and owner of Life Editing. Her belief is that all of our lives tell a story and it is up to us which story our lives will tell. Her methods involve teaching her clients how to recognize what’s not working in their lives and/or relationships and removing those negative thoughts and behaviors that frequently block us from living the lives that we want. It’s about creating a life story that reads exactly how it would read, if you wrote it yourself. To learn more about Tiya and her practice please visit www.lifeediting.com.