Blended Family Financial Planning by Dr. Taffy Wagner

I’m in a Blended Family – Where Do I Start with Money?

Congratulations for getting married again. If you are in a blended family
and are shaking your head because you do not know where to start, I have
some answers for you. Let’s face it when you were not in a blended family,
managing money was not easy. Now you find that you have even more
questions because of the family dynamics that you are dealing with.

Recognize that you are not only dealing with your immediate household, but also another parent because there are children involved. What I am
proposing to you is for your immediate household and you take into account the variables that I could be missing. I don’t have to know all those variables; however, you should include them so you do not make any financial mistakes.

When entering into a blended family, I would recommend as the first step
if you have not done it already is to establish a financial foundation for
your household. Look at what did you do in your previous relationship,
what did you do when you were single. Also look at what your spouse did
prior to your marriage and now the two of you need to establish a
financial foundation for your household.

Meaning you need to sit down and share how you managed money. Who would be best at managing the money now? What are the different bills that need to be paid and when? What is the amount being paid for child support each month? It is my belief that if you are in a blended family, the
responsibility of caring for a child to include support has already been
discussed and both parties understand what is to happen.

I would also say if you brought additional bills to the relationship, the
two of you need to decide and prioritize how to handle this. You do not
want to leave anything out which would give you an opportunity to get your marriage started on a solid foundation. Do not walk in with rose colored glasses, but have your eyes wide open. When you said I do, that meant also to everything that comes along with the spouse.

Being in a blended family can be a beautiful thing. Take the time to
invest in your marriage and your family. Set an example for everyone
watching to see that it can work if you want it to.

If you have a specific question, do not hesitate to send me a question to
info@DebtAtTheAltar.com and let’s get it answered. If you do not want your name or question shared on the blog, let me know.

Dr. Taffy Wagner
Creator of Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar
www.DebtAtTheAltar.com
303-576-0670

Chris Brown’s Stepfather Speaks Out

The story of Chris Brown’s blended family is another example of how a blended family can go horribly wrong! This is also proof that children live what they learn (as Diane always says).

This story was found in OK Magazine.

Donnelle Hawkins, the stepfather Chris Brown said he wanted to kill over his treatment of his mother, now says he’s not surprised that Chris is in trouble for allegedly beating up girlfriend Rihanna, and that he never hit the superstar’s mother.

“I never once raised my hand to his mother,” Donnelle says. “It just never happened.”

However, in a 2007 interview, Chris told a different side of the story: “He used to hit my mom… He made me terrified all the time, terrified like I had to pee on myself,” Chris revealed. “I remember one night he made her nose bleed. I was crying and thinking, ‘I’m just gonna go crazy on him one day…’ I hate him to this day.”

Donnelle, who is blind after accidentally shooting himself in the eye during an argument with Joyce Brown Hawkins, says Chris is blaming the wrong person.

“I believe that Chris is making these allegations because it is a way of not accepting responsibility of his own actions. Somebody has to be at fault, the scapegoat, and who else but me?” says Donnelle. “He blames me for taking his mom away from his dad, even though it didn’t happen like that. Whatever issues he has, whether he thinks they come from me or not, he needs to get help for, get counseling.”

He also denies hitting Chris, saying he only spanked him one time in the seven years they lived together in Tappahannock, Va.

“The one time I did raise my hand to spank him I guess he was 11 and he started hitting his mother,” Donnelle insists. “I felt it was time for me to step up and do what I needed to do to stop the situation.”

Of hearing that Chris had been arrested for alleged domestic assault, Donnelle says, “It was sad news. I’m sympathetic for Christopher and Rihanna. It’s an unfortunate incident that neither one of them deserved or should have encountered.”

I send them my prayers. And Chris in particularly, I’m very proud of his success, but whatever issues he has, whether they are the ones you claim came from me or whatever the situations are, you just need to focus on that and get counseling and the help that you need. We, as your fans and people that know you, don’t want to hear of anything like this again. And whatever resentment or hatred he has towards me I just pray that it will stop.”

 My Two Cents: Clearly Mr. Donelle Hawkins is lying when claiming never to have even raised a hand to Chris’s mother. Most people don’t shoot themselves in the eye while arguing with their wife. Most people don’t argue with guns in their hands. If you are, you are clearly a violent person and Mr. Hawkins, you should hold yourself accountable for the role you played in Chris’s life that led him to this point.

Chris Brown, remember that your past circumstances do not define who you are. You can make a choice not to be your stepfather. You didn’t have much power back then, but now that you’re all grown up, you have the power to be responsible for your own choices. You can choose to be a different person at this point. If you continue to do what you learned, you are still giving him that power over you. Keep reminding yourself that he no longer possesses it [power].

BFSO wishes all the best to both Rhianna AND Chris. Although we don’t condone domestic violence for ANY reason, we realize that in this situation, Chris Brown in a victim, too. Rhianna is a victim of Chris Brown and Chris is a victim of his stepfather. We hope that they BOTH seek counseling to work out their respective issues.

BeBe Winans Arrested for Assault Against Ex-Wife!

MSN Entertainment

Grammy-winning gospel singer Bebe Winans was arrested and booked on a misdemeanor assault charge on March 11 for allegedly pushing his ex-wife Debra to the ground in front of their two children over Valentine’s Day weekend, according to NBC’s local WSMV in Nashville.

The purported assault took place during a visit by Winans to his former wife’s home in Nashville on February 13. The former couple was arguing over issues related to the custody of their 13-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son, when Winans, 46, became irate and pushed his ex-wife to the ground, according to the report.

“When you’re married to someone known all over the world it has serious challenges,” Debra Winans told NBC, adding that many Christians do not ask for help when faced with domestic abuse because they feel they should be held to a higher standard.

After being held for a short time at Davidson County Jail in Tennessee, Bebe Winans posted $1000 bond and was released, according to the website, The Smoking Gun.

Winans, who is a judge on the BET reality show “Sunday Best,” is best known for performing with his sister Cece.

Bebe and Debra Winans were married for 16 years before divorcing in 2003.

Bristol Palin Break up

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are both single parents now. The young couple who welcomed their son, Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston two months ago, have gone their seperate ways.

During Sarah Palin’s candidacy for Vice-President she has been very candid about her support for her daughter. She once had high hopes for the young couple and their future as a family.

Bristol and Levi during the election. Photo:REUTERS/Rick Wilking

“The road ahead for this young couple will not be easy, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy,” Sarah Palin said in January, a few days after Tripp’s birth. “Bristol and Levi are committed to accomplish what millions of other young parents have accomplished, to provide a loving and secure environment for their child.”

It has been allegedly reported that Bristol is making it difficult for Levi to see two month old Tripp. Hopefully, they get it together enough to actually adhere to Sarah Palin’s words and begin to provide a loving and secure enviroment for their son no matter where his parent’s reside.

BFSO wishes this young couple luck with raising their little bundle of joy!

Information on this story was found on Eonline. To read more please visit the link below.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/eonline/20090312/en_celeb_eo/103969

Divorce, Child Support and Equally Taking Care of Children

Last week I was perusing some of my favorite blogs when I ran into a post on ex-wives and child support payments. An ex-wife was really upset because she felt as if her ex-husband was neglecting his four children in order to give his second wife the finer things in life. Below is an excerpt from her letter on www.glennsacks.com.

“I think as a ex-wife I can say that men want the cake and bring a jug of milk, too! I have 4 children, and my ex is still with the woman he left us for. I can say that this slut woman comes before his children. Am I upset? Damn right. I could care less who he puts in his bed, but do I care if my children have what they should have or need. He takes his bitch on trips, and is never there for the kids. Oh, and this woman came to my baby shower for my last son, to let me know my ex was with her. As to child support, it isn’t enough to cover basic needs.

“The facts show that a child’s living standard goes down by 48% [after divorce]. That is a lot, but the men don’t have to look the kids in the eye and see the hurt when you tell them they can’t have something or play a sport because you can’t afford it. Just so long as daddy is happy! Man up and do right by your kids, even if you didn’t by your ex.

I took some time to really think about the reader’s letter and  the subsequent comments from other readers who weren’t too pleased with her perspective. I have mixed feelings about what she said. What I don’t understand is why she is so upset with the second wife. Why do women so quickly turn on each other? Her ex-husband is the one who left her for this woman, and I’m certain that he didn’t do it at gun point. If he is choosing to take his second wife on trips instead of paying child support, then why are you upset with her? Your ex-husband has a responsibility to his children and you have no child support agreement with her. It’s not her fault so don’t displace your anger. Now, I can understand a woman being disappointed and questioning the second wife’s moral character for choosing a man who doesn’t or barely takes care of his children. But, I don’t understand being upset to the point where you are calling her sluts or bitches; that’s uncalled for, in my opinion.

I know some women will disagree with me saying that it IS the other woman’s responsibility to NOT date a married man, but it is my belief that the man you took vows with bears most of the responsibility for protecting your marriage. Either she may not have even known about you, or you don’t know what he has told her about your marriage.

Readers were outraged with what she had to say regarding the child support issue, and this is what I took the most time to ponder.  I wanted to be certain as to how I felt about the issue prior to writing. Below is what some of the readers had to say:

1. This women obviously doesn’t understand the fact that the NCP’s child support payment are not supposed to COVER her costs of raising children. It is his HALF. Everytime I hear a custodial parent complain “he only sends me 10,000/year, how can I raise a kid on that?” I cringe. The custodial parent is supposed to contribute the same amount in proportion to her income. You are now divorced. You have to get a job and work. Your husband has another household to run, he is paying his share for the kids and that is ALL! (and the CS formulations are way too high to begin with, NO kid costs what the tables say, but you will NEVER hear a custodial parent say that, no matter how much the NCP sends, it is NEVER enough for them).

2.  As to child support, it isn’t enough to cover basic needs.’ bull…woman who know how to use (yes, abuse) the system get what they deserve based on MATH, not what she bitterly laments later as insufficient ‘to cover basic needs’. WAKE UP MOTHER! You have the kids so YOU have to pay for shelter for YOU. Your kids money is for THEIR FOOD and THEIR CLOTHS, PERIOD.If your respective financial conditions changed to warrent you ‘deserving’ more, it’s YOUR option to take it back to support court. In lieu of that, it’s YOUR responsibility to better budget your money. Buy cheaper food, buy cheaper cloths, and DON’T spend it elsewhere.While, if it’s true that your husband left you, know that betrayal works both ways to dear one. How about losing the home that your income alone bought, to your ex spouse after she took up with a boy 12 years her junior next door? Don’t cry about it, do something about it, or quit your bitchin.!

As an ex, the more I thought it about it, the angrier I got! Why is it that men always want to talk about their HALF only when it comes to their financial responsibility? If by your own assertion we are supposed to EQUALLY (that’s what HALF means, right?) take care of the child, then why are your mouths closed when it comes to doing your HALF in the areas of emotional and physical support as well? And, before you start talking about your little every other weekend or summer (for those of you who live out of state or the country) visitation, let me assure you that that doesn’t equate to HALF; it’s only about an eight of what we full-time parents do.

My husband and his ex-wife used to (prior to her preventing him from doing so, due to my arrival) equally care for their son after their divorce. My husband kept him for nearly 8 months out of the year and she had him for the remainder of the year. They also shared the financial responsibility for him, even though my husband physically had him more. Fellas, this is called HALF; more than HALF supporting your child.

So the next time you go screaming to your ex-wife about your HALF, be sure to check yourself to be certain that you’re doing your HALF in all of the other areas as well. If you want to continually question your ex-wife about how she budgets or mismanages money, be prepared to answer similar questions regarding how you mismanage your TIME!

Jada Pinkett Smith’s Blended Family

I’ve always been awe inspired by Jada Pinkett Smith’s perspective on blended families. Both her and Sheree Zampinio, Will Smith’s ex-wife, are examples that we should all strive to live by as mothers and stepmothers. It’s all about putting your differences aside to create a healthy family for the children.

Jada Pinkett-Smith

Prior to the birth of Will and Jada’s children, Jaden and Willow, Jada became a stepmom to Will and Sheree’s son, Trey. It is an experience that Jada considers to be her toughest. As a kid, Jada had been through such excruciating experiences with her parents’ divorce and having a family split up.

“I wanted to do anything in my power to make sure Trey didn’t go through what I went through,” Jada said. “I had to learn to get out of my own ego and remember it wasn’t about me.”

Jada went on to explain that it wasn’t just about becoming a [steparent] that took some adjustment on her part. It was having to understand that Will was going to have a relationship with Trey’s mom because they share a child. She said she had to support him in doing what was right even though it wasn’t easy.

“Greatness doesn’t come from ease. You want to do great things and you want it to be easy?? These don’t go hand in hand, but the fact that we enjoy holidays together with Trey’s mom and her new husband makes the tough part worth it. Trey knows we all get along, and that creates stability for him.”

Jada has also been quoted saying that she deliberately included Sheree in their family unit in order to keep Trey from feeling torn between them. Additionally, she NEVER  wanted to treat him as a stepchild and doesn’t like using the term; instead, she calls him her bonus son.

“I refused to have Trey feel like a stepchild. He is not from my body, but he is a huge part of my spirit and soul. I wanted him to feel like he was a part of this circle. In order to do that, I had to make his mother a part of this circle, because your mother is your pulse to the world. Your mother is your everything. How can I truly appreciate and love Trey without embracing his mother?” Jada Pinkett-Smith

Side Note: I’d also like to recognize Sheree Zampinio’s [the ex-wife] effort in making her blended family work for Trey. Although I haven’t seen it mentioned in the media, I’m certain that her substantial effort also had much to do with the peaceful co-existence that they all share. Remember, that acheiving this type of harmony is never one-sided. It can’t be done unless EVERYONE is willing to make it work.

Trey definitely benefits from having his stepmother and biological mother communicate effectively. It’s an extra bonus that they are also friendly with each other, too! We can all learn something from the BOTH of them. Will certainly picked two good women.

Couple Strength

As we all know, finding time for our husbands or wives can be a hard thing to do these days with not just the factors that our families play but with the economy, job losses, layoffs and just the everyday stress that is playing a role in our daily lives.   During these hectic times, couples need to find their strength in each other.   Unfortunately, if we don’t actually sit down and set our minds on this subject, it can become lost between a husband and wife. 

In the perspective of the blended family, this can also be an issue.  Finding strength and the ability to bond together when only one person is the bio parent in the home is perhaps the most difficult and important to acknowledge.  If couples talk more openly about their individual feelings with their partners, instead of shutting down when issues arise, things can often times run much smoother (i.e., house rules, disciplines, expected behaviors, duties, time spent together, just mom and dad, etc.).  If these examples exist in your blended family, here are some ideas:

1.  Recognize that couples need to work out roles.
2.  Talk to each other and with the children about house rules,  responsibilities and respect for each other.
3.  Discuss with your partner your expectations of the time he/she spends with you.
4.  Allow and encourage time that is needed for the noncustodial parent to spend with alone with his/her children. 

I am all about encouraging blended families to allow one-on-one time with each other.  For example, my husband and I try to have “date night” once or twice a month.  If it is our weekend with my step-daughter, then we take them over to grandma’s house for a few hours.  We don’t skimp on that.  My husband works 2 jobs so it is hard to get that time together and it also teaches our children the importance of “dad and mom” time.  

Now, here is the controversial subject that I have heard all kinds of remarks about:

I also encourage my husband to have one-on-one time with his daughter.  Of course, I always want to be with my step-daughter when we have her but I realize that I have to step back, in a sense, at times, and allow them some alone time together.  I recognize that my husband has been a father a lot longer to Sasha than he has been a husband to me; just as I have been a mother a lot longer to my boys than I have been a wife to him.   I also encourage my husband to allow me to have a little one-on-one time with my little boy.  Sometimes, I just want to spend time alone with just him.  There are also times when our son spends time with Daddy and Sasha (my step-daughter) and I spend our alone time.  I have three (3) biological sons, two of which are 20 and 21 and don’t have much time to spend with mama anymore (only girlfriends – yikes!).  I LOVE having my girl time with her.  I understand that some people will think “why would you separate yourself like that.”  Well, my answer is simple.   Why shouldn’t I?  Doing this strengthens not just my bond with my husband, but individually with our children, as well. 

Couple strength is about respecting and dealing with each other and whatever comes along with it.  Having these understandings with your partner is extremely important.  To me, there is no sense of family without couple strength.

Peace and Blessings,

Di

Encouraging Sibling Relationships in the Blended Family

I’ve talked a lot about my father’s side of the family (his brothers and sisters) and how blended their individual families are. Many have been married 2 or 3 times and are fathers, stepfathers, mothers and stepmothers. As such, I’ve grown up in a family where biological connections just aren’t important. So much so that we forget who is and isn’t biologically connected; they’re just family.  I truly believe it’s because of the way we were taught to view the family dynamic. We NEVER attach the word step! It just seems pointless to us and it inadvertently lends to some sort of hiearchal rank in our family. It’s as if that person isn’t really our family and should be treated as such, if you attach that prefix. For example, when one of my uncles remarried and became a stepfather to 3 children, those children were never introduced as my aunt’s kids. They were simply introduced as my new little cousins. And, those children, my aunt’s and uncle’s respective children and their child together, were encouraged (not pressured) to form a bond based on friendship and love. Today, those kids are the best of friends and have a brotherly/sisterly love that is just as strong as siblings who share a biological connection. In my own blended family we have tried to teach those same principles to our two children. It definitely didn’t happen instantly and rarely does in any blended family, but over time they have definitely developed a lasting bond that can only be compared to brothers.

What I don’t understand are those who continually discourage or deny such bonds out of bitterness or spite. After all, in the future our kids will be grown and the bitterness that the adults continually stew over won’t matter. All that will matter is them and their relationship! Not to mention, how can you teach a child that a relationship that has developed over nearly a decade isn’t important?? It seems so cynical and rather inhumane to do so. What is that teaching him about committment, relationships and a having a general regard for people?  John 15:17 says, “These things I command you, that ye love one another.” This is the foundation that we teach our children. It doesn’t matter what biological connection we share or don’t share. Our connection is based on love, support, encouragement, kindness, respect and friendship; and this is what makes us family.

Now, I am a realist and am fully aware that bonds between siblings within the blended family will never be automatic and for some families, impossible. Usually, adolescents and older children have a difficult time adjusting and by the time they do adjust, it’s time for either them or their sibling to leave home. This just doesn’t leave enough time for significant bonding and what I am sure of is that significant bonding between blended siblings definitely takes time. As such, there is a greater potential for younger children to develop such bonds simply due to the number of years they are together. It is extremely difficult not to bond with someone that you’ve grown up with. Whether that person is biologically connected or not, you will likely view him or her as your brother or sister.

A huge part of putting our children first is keeping their future in mind. The reality is that whatever you feel for your ex-spouse or you current spouse’s ex-spouse won’t matter. At some point, all our children will have is each other and it is doing them great disservice to discourage bonds that might benefit them in the future. I encourge you to put your differences aside and encourage your children (half, whole or step) to love, support and rely on each other, even if you can’t. Their connection is and will forever be far more important than your bitterness.

A Simple Turkey Burger Recipe

I [Kela] love healthy eating! I feel better after eating a tasty healthy dish and I feel better after feeding it to my family. Many think it’s way too complicated and costly to eat healthy but there really are some tasty recipes out there that aren’t too expensive to make. Below is one of my favorites that I’m sure you’ll enjoy and feel free to share you favorite recipes, too.  I enjoy trying different recipes and I’m certain our readers will enjoy them as well. After all, who doesn’t like to try new things, right?

Tasty Turkey Burger

Ingredients

• Ground Turkey (I prefer the honeysuckle white because it has less fat)
• Onion
• Green Pepper
• Teryaki Sauce
• Worschestire Sauce
• Sea Salt (for those who have high blood pressure)
• Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Directions

1. Cut up your onion and green pepper (there’s really no set amount; it’s all about how much you want in the burger).
2. Season your ground turkey with the sea salt.
3. Mix the onion and green pepper into the burger as you form it into the size of the patty that you desire.
4. Add a tablespoon of teryaki sauce.
5. Add a tablespoon of worschestire sauce.
6. Put one tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil into your frying pan (you can substitue the George Foreman Grill for the frying pan).
7. Fry the turkey burger patty until it’s well done.

Voila! You can dress your burger as you wish; tomatoes, raw onions, light mayo or mustard, etc. Also, I’m not a fan of french fries, so I usually serve it with a side of garlic new potatoe slices (I’ll save that simple recipe for another post).

Postpartum Depression and the Blended Family

I know you are thinking “what does postpartum depression have to do with the blended family”?  A lot I have found out.  When I sat down to write, this subject weighed on me heavily and I wanted to explore it a bit more in hopes others may have a better understanding about this situation and realize that they are not alone in this.  Actually sharing this is hard for me but at the same time it helps to face it and writing about it helps me realize that I have come out of it with the support of my family. 

I was 21 when my oldest daughter was born and I never felt anything abnormal after having her.  I was 28 when I had my second daughter and things started spiraling out of control after that.  I had no idea what was happening and I didn’t know how to stop it.  I had gained so much weight with my pregnancy and that wasn’t helping things either.  I was depressed, tired, moody, and never wanted to do anything.  I never felt ill feelings toward my girls; it was more internal than anything.  I just didn’t want to leave the house and wanted to be with my kids and husband and that was it. 

I saw my doctor and she tried several different prescriptions for me and nothing really seemed to work that well.  I wasn’t losing the weight as fast as I had with my first daughter (7 years older didn’t help either) and my blood pressure was up, too.  It seemed like it was one thing after another. 

Looking back over four years I see how my own issues contributed to loss of relationships with friends, loss of projects in my professional life, and arguments that never should have happened, due to low self esteem and depression.  I also feel so guilty because I am not the same person I was with my first daughter as I am with my second daughter.  I feel like I was doing my little one a disservice by being depressed all the time.  I also feel like I haven’t left the house in four years.  Not until my third pregnancy did I realize that these feelings were not my fault.  Though it wasn’t my fault, it still affected every aspect of my life, including the whole family dynamic of my blended family. 

I had a different doctor with my third daughter and I told him how scared I was to be pregnant again because of all I went through with the depression with my second daughter.  He said that we would take care of that as soon as I gave birth and I didn’t need to worry.  He also said how glad he was that I told him so I could get the help I needed.  So, I had my third daughter and that day he gave me a small estrogen patch to help me get “back into balance”.  Catching this at the beginning was a life saving experience for me.  I followed up with free counseling at the hospital which was just wonderful.  I didn’t feel like an outcast or like I didn’t belong.  They truly helped me realize that women go through this every day, with every pregnancy and that IT WAS OKAY for me to have these feelings.  It is also okay to know that my mind and body would be back to normal, too. 

« Previous Page