Loneliness – A Reality of Being Newly Divorced

April 30, 2009 By 2 Comments

It almost seems like every day as a single parent you are dating your kids.A wonderful evening is dinner with your children with an hour episode of Hannah Montana, ICarly, and Josh and Drake.You end the evening with a charming but gentle story about a person who has nothing and in less than 40 pages ends up gaining the whole world.You teach faith to your children as you amiably pray with them and agree with God that they will grow up to be that person that gains the whole world, just like the characters in the book.You kiss them on the forehead and remind them that you love them. You turn and exit the room realizing that you don’t have anyone to tuck you in, kiss you on the forehead and pray with you.What used to be a warm bed is now filled with pillows that mimic the fact that you are alone.

You exit your child’s room pissed off because this is not what you dreamed about. This is not what your parents prayed about for you.Instead of having gained the world, this story has ended horribly.You find yourself looking at your collection of children books and what used to make you happy as a child makes you irritated.You say to yourself that all of these childhood stories are lies.If you are a man you might begin to think that there is no such thing as a Cinderella but a gold-digger instead.And what does seven men living with Snow White make her – a ‘hoe’?If you are a woman you might wonder if your Kent is really Kermit the frog and if your Prince Charming just got out of jail and is without a job. All of a sudden a little person that wears a dark outfitand looks just like you, sits above your left shoulder and reminds you that your ex -spouse left a bottle of tequila that you bought 10 years ago on your honeymoon. You were going to open it on your anniversary, but hell he or she is gone. You take a moment to reflect on your past relationship then you open the bottle and take a few shots, not really drunk but tipsy, you find the courage to pick up the phone and call your ex just to say, thank you for nothing, laughing as you hang up the phone.The morning comes and you find yourself with a headache and the reality that you are starting over again.They are gone and you are left picking up the pieces.

Loneliness is a reality of being divorced.What used to be so common is now so uncommon.You want to cry but ever y time you try to deal with your emotions you can’t because you have to do something for your children.Let’s not forget the haunting sounds of family that are missing.It feels like your house is filled with ghosts.You look in the direction they once played or slept only to find they aren’t there anymore. Your parents call you everyday just to make sure you have not tried to kill yourself.You will not watch romantic movies because it too much to handle.You hate to see couples and you feel like the universe has robbed you of your dignity.You hate running into people who knew you and your spouse, because they always ask how the other person is doing.Over and over again you have to say that we are going through a divorce.What really makes you mad is when they say those magic words, “I am so sorry.”You have this 30 second dream where you kick the ass of every person who should have told you that your marriage was going to end one day.When you come back to reality they are still talking, you find an excuse to end the conversation, instead of saying, “Could you please shut the hell up, before I kick your ass!”

Even though it seems that your world is ending, your life is just beginning.I have learned that regardless of the circumstance the sun will rise again. What appear to be your darkest days are the days where you display tremendous amounts of strength.The reality is that you are not dating your kids you are putting your kids first while trying to find a balance.It takes time to learn how to be the responsible parent while learning how to reconfigure your life.Instead of trying to find love, spend time trying to find you.Explore the things that you always dreamed of doing. Take a dance class, meet new people, explore the world though the eyes of a new opportunity instead of through the eyes of a broken marriage.Remember, you are not alone; millions of people have gone through a divorce.Even me, I am a new inductee into the blended family crew.

Antonio Love is a recently divorced father who is currently raising his daughter. He is also the author of Talking What Ya Want and Divorce, Who Needs Furniture Anyway. For more information on Antonio Love and his movement, please visit www.antoniolove.com.

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Blended Family Dads: Making Bones…or Building Character!

April 30, 2009 By 4 Comments

“It has been said that one can measure a persons greatness by seeing how much it takes to discourage them………”

My husband (left) and sons (center/right)

My husband (left) and sons (center/right)

It is known that some step-fathers in blended families make no bones about establishing their positions in their respective units.  Some get along with their step children, others prefer to simply state their territory and do not say or do much to establish a mutual bond or common ground with their step-children at all.  Other step-dads come into the picture with their different hats on and ready to be involved in every aspect of their step-children’s lives, while others simply step back and take a neutral position and allow the bio-parent to parent alone.

When I married my husband, I had been widowed 6 years.  Being a single mother, one of my personal inner struggles was talking to my boys about things that I didn’t feel comfortable talking about as a woman.  No matter what my heart felt with regard to my being able to parent as a mother and a father, I had to accept and realize that as a woman, I could not fill those shoes.  We can do our best job, but we cannot replace or begin to understand the things young teenage boys go through, and as a woman, no matter how hard I tried and no matter how good of a mother I was, I could NOT always relate. 

When I married my husband, my older boys were 15 and 16.  Everyone knows how teenagers can get on your last darn nerves.  They think they “know” everything about life and they actually know nothing at all.  This is an understatement in and of itself.  But, as much as my husband didn’t like their attitudes at times (more often than not), he still sat them down when they wanted to talk, he explained things to them about his life experiences,  gave advice to them about peer pressure, drugs, alcohol, etc., all the things that their bio father would have done had he not passed away.  He even did not hesitate to put one of them in his place when he got a little too cocky at one point with me.  No matter the situation, the boys know that my husband loves them and they love him back!  Most importantly, they trust him and they know he will protect them.

The older boys are grown men now (21 and 20) but they know they have a security blanket with their step-dad.  What I found to be really special is now, my 21 year old has his own son who is 10 months old.  He and my husband have had private talks about the mistakes my husband made as a young father and what it means to make sure you are ALWAYS there for your children.

On the flip side, I have a girlfriend who’s current husband cares nothing about her children and the children care nothing about him as a step-father.  They argue, fuss and fight constantly.  They have no mutual respect for one another or for themselves.  The step-father and children make no bones about not caring for one another.  As a step-mother myself, this is nothing short of a travesty.

Being a great step-dad is a trying job, I’m sure.  Wearing that hat requires strength, courage, humility, trust and confidence, especially during times when you feel like you may have stepped into a black hole of problems.  By being that man of character, you are teaching, building and strengthening your step-children’s future in many more ways than you know.

Some step-fathers come into the lives of children with no fathers (due to death — as in my case), dead-beat  fathers and some part-time fathers.  Some even come into the lives of children with great biological fathers who can appreciate the important role a step-father has in their child’s life and in the blended family unit.  All of these scenarios takes courage.  I give all props to ALL the BFSO step-dads who cherish and uplift not only their biological children, their step-children and their spouses lives, but to ALL those who set an awesome example for seasoned fathers, young fathers and all the future step-fathers of the world who may just happen to be reading this blog.   So, for those of you who have decided to build character instead of making bones……MY HATS OFF TO YOU!

P.S.  Thank you Randy, Desmond and Jay; three amazing step-dads I know and love!  Keep building character!

Di

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Reader’s Question – What do you do when your stepkids won’t clean up after themselves?

April 30, 2009 By 29 Comments

Hi Kela…. Chaz here.

 

I am kinda going nuts with a blended family issue.

 

I feel like I am too close to it and feeling too many feelings of frustration to deal with on my own.  I know I have shared a lot of positive with others but I am feeling a little stuck on this one and would welcome some outside input.

 

The issue that is driving me nuts is the fact that my step kids do not help around the house.  In fact, they barely clean up after themselves including dishes from the table, clothes on the floor, and definitely do not do any chores on a regular basis.

 

I do not wish to be grouchy about this.  I love these kids but I find the issue leaving me irritable.  It is more to do with a difference of cultural conditioning between my wife and I.  I was raised with parents that had us doing chores from a very young age.  We come from a long and broad tradition of kids helping out.

takingouttrash

 

My wife in the other hand comes from traditions where men earned the money, women stayed at home and minded the household, and kids were quiet and did their homework and behaved.  And were not required to do chores.

 

Now this is not meant to be a criticism which is why it is such a tricky subject.  I have brought it up as kindly as possible and as frequently as I am comfortable with. To very little lasting avail and now I feel to bring it up again would be nagging.  Kids are not expected to do things like taking their dishes to the sink, or helping unload the car of groceries, or cleaning the kitty litter (they are the ones who like the cat the most), putting their clean laundry away, tidying their rooms, etc.

 

Now I am not even talking about household chores.  I am talking about personal responsibilities.  The kids are 10 and 12.  I won’t go on and on about how it was when I was growing up other than to say by those ages I did lots of dishes, laundry-putting-away, yard work, etc.  This was not child slavery, it was helping out.

doingdishes

 

Anyway…. I find myself in a state of grouchiness when these things persist.  I simply cannot at this stage bring it up again. I am giving it a bit of time and hoping to discover a new approach.  Or, come to a point of acceptance that this is just how we (they) live.

 

It really contrasts when my kids are over and, although they sometimes try avoidance strategies, they do help whenever asked and do a lot of things naturally out of habit of being expected and required to from young ages.

 

Any input from the board on a new approach?

 

Thanks!

 

Emotionally exhausted,

 

Chaz 

 

My Response:

Chaz, I would like to first say that you are definitely not alone in how you feel. As a matter of fact, I chuckled while reading your story because I’ve heard it SO MANY TIMES BEFORE. I was just talking to a woman the other day. Her husband is the stepfather to her two children, ages 12 and 13, and this is his number one complaint. When my husband and I first got together, this was his number one complaint. I was just giving advice to a friend (fellow blended family mom) the other day because this is her husband’s number one complaint.

 

So let me tell you what worked wonders for my husband and I. It helped to keep us on the same page, present a unified front in front of our children and got the kids to clean WITHOUT BEING TOLD!! Drum roll please….it’s called a co-parenting policy! I know it sounds really cheesy and you might think that it won’t work, but trust me, it works.

 

A co-parenting policy will help decrease conflict when it comes to discipline and other issues of the household. The policy should contain the following: bed times, homework time, dinner time, curfews, household chores, allowances, etc. It should also contain mutually agreed upon rules and consequences. This policy should be discussed, in depth, with each child of the household. This will ensure that each child knows what is expected of them and the consequences of broken rules. Therefore, it is essential that both parents stick to the policy at all times. In the blended family, you cannot rely on spontaneous reaction to the child’s behavior problem. This policy will also help you, as parents, present a unified front when it comes to discipline, thereby decreasing conflict between you when these issues arise.

familychore

 

Feel free to include some creativity in the way that you devise the rules and consequences, too. For example, what has worked miracles for my son is treating the policy as if it’s a job contract. Money is his motivator, so my husband and I decided on a list of chores for him to do and a compensation plan. Each chore is worth a different amount of money and at the end of the week he is paid for the chores that he has done. If he skips a day, he doesn’t get paid. In our contract, we include sick days and vacation days, just like a real job. This not only motivates him to do the chores without being told, but it teaches him some real world responsibility; including money and time management. Additionally, it makes you seem less like a warden, but a teacher instead.  Find out what your children are motivated by and use it.

 

Lastly, I would suggest sitting down with your wife and telling her how important this is to you AND that you have a solution. Even if she doesn’t necessarily agree with your solution, this will at least spark the conversation about other potential solutions. That being said, you must be patient and realize that things will not change overnight. Your wife will slip up at times and so will the children because this is something that they simply aren’t used to. Instead of focusing on how much it irritates you, focus on the benefit that your children will gain from learning how to be responsible citizens of this world. Understand how simply changing your mindset will change the way you approach the situation and how they will respond to you.

 

I hope I’ve helped in some way. Advisory Board, what do you think? Let’s help Chaz out.

 

*Kela*

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Grandparents or Distant Acquaintances in the Blended Family?

April 29, 2009 By 1 Comment

Remember the days when you couldn’t wait to go to grandma’s house? She’d bake your favorite cookies, tell those wonderful stories and spoil you rotten. Grandma was seen and respected as the matriarch of the family; full of wisdom and unconditional love. Nowadays, grandma is seen as a distant acquaintance instead of a strong maternal figure on which her grandchildren can rely. Why? Divorce and remarriage creates many conditions for grandparents and step-grandparents and it’s important that blended families are made aware of this.

What divorced and remarried couples don’t seem to realize is that divorce and remarriage is hard on EVERYONE; not just them. It’s hard on any children involved and grandparents, too! All of these people didn’t have a choice when it came to the divorce or remarriage and the conditions attached to who and how they can love is completely unfair. Children are told how they can love their stepmother. It is implied that they can’t get too close to her because it might hurt the ex-wife’s feelings. By that same token, it is implied that their step-grandparents aren’t really their grandparents, so they shouldn’t call them grandma or grandpa. Grandparents are also given a bunch of rules and conditions regarding how they can love their grandchildren and step-grandchildren. Almost immediately, they are watched as if they are under a microscope, waiting to see if they will favor one child over the other; a common complaint in the blended family. Grandma and grandpa bring something for their biological grandchildren, but not their step-grandchildren.

There are  so many conflicting loyalties that exist with a newly formed blended family that all the confusion gets in the way of the love. Children’s loyalties are divided between their biological parents and their step-parents. Grandparent’s loyalties are divided between the ex and the new wife and it is especially easy for them [grandparents] to allow this disdain to infiltrate into the blended family. It’s almost as if resentment sets in because now they are immediately expected to connect with children that they just don’t know, and there are so many rules regarding how they should build that connection. Divorced couples, including new spouses and old spouses, new parents and old parents, need to realize this and be more understanding of what everyone in the blended family has to contend with.

By that same token, grandparents, although it seems so unfair, there are some things that you need to be mindful of as well. Always be mindful of the fact that there are children involved and it is up to the adults, including the grandparents to lead by example. If your feelings are hurt, a bit of resentment has set it and you feel the situation is unfair, imagine how these children feel and put forth every effort to make the situation better for them. Don’t pull away out of frustration! Instead, let’s return to the days of old when grandma and grandpa were the glue that held families together. Who cares if the the wives don’t get along or the ex-spouses can’t communicate. Impart your years of wisdom and love on your family and NEVER partake in the “competition” that exists in most blended families.  Below are more tips for grandparents and step-grandparents:

  1. The most important rule to remember is that there are CHILDREN involved and we should never take it out on them. Adults should know better!
  2. All children were created equal! Please don’t treat them any differently. I know it’s not fair and you didn’t ask for this type of family, but neither did they.
  3. Encourage your step-grandchildren to call you what your biological grandchildren do. It will make them feel more apart of the family.
  4. Don’t compete with the other grandparents and remember that your grandchildren will likely want to spend time with all of their grandparents; which means that your time will be limited.
  5. Don’t view the blended family as a temporary situation.  Often times grandparents, because they don’t come from a generation of divorce, views the blended family as temporary and therefore do not put much effort into bonding with their newly formed families.
  6. If distance is a factor, remember it’s okay to call your grandchildren when they are with the custodial parent. Don’t feel like you can’t just because the ex-wife may not be getting along with the new wife. Their squabble has nothing to do with you!
  7. Remember your role in the blended family as it shouldn’t be any different than that of a traditional family. God has granted you with years of wisdom and life experience that your children (including their new spouse), grandchildren and step-grandchildren can benefit from.
  8. Don’t allow the bickering, divided loyalties and mayhem that blended family creates force you to go from being grandparents to distant acquaintances. Whether your children or grandchildren know it or not, they need you!!!
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Three Generations of Successful Blended Families

April 29, 2009 By 1 Comment

Having and being brought up myself in my own blended family has made me realize that the only reason my family is successful is because of my parents and grandparents.

Growing up I never had a clue I was part of a blended family. While my parents were married until I was six years old, both sets of my grandparents were divorced and remarried. There was not a distinction between my grandparents I was born to or my “step grandparents” – they were just Grandma Martha and Grandpa Bud.

Looking back now I see that my parents unconsciously set me up for success to lead my daughters and to have a beneficial relationship with my husband. Though my parents ended up divorced as did I with my first marriage, the second time around has proven to be a charm. I feel better equipped from my past experiences and with what I learned from watching my parents and grandparents interact with each other or resolve conflicts between each other. I have also learned from their mistakes or downfalls and have tried not to repeat them in my own family or relationships.

My mother never spoke badly of my father or vice versa. If there was something I had an issue with between either parent, I figured it out for myself. One didn’t influence my opinion of the other. I formed my own opinions from my own experiences with each of my parents. I feel that’s how it should be. Unfortunately it’s not that way in most blended families. Putting your children in the middle of your own differences with your ex is not only detrimental to that relationship but detrimental to the relationship you have or will have with your children. Kids are very perceptive and we don’t give them enough credit sometimes. If there is an issue of one parent not doing what they say they will or not showing up for things, don’t dwell on it for your kids. It hurts, it hurts you to watch your children go through that AND it hurts your kids to be the ones going through it. The only thing you can do is be strong, be positive, be encouraging, and move on – for your kids. They will come to their own conclusions later or not. You don’t have to say a word about the other parent.

My father’s mother and step-father both lived in the same town as my father’s dad and step-mother. They didn’t “hang out” all the time but I would say they were all friends. Sometimes you just realize that you don’t HATE your ex; it’s just that you were not fit for each other. Seeing who my grandparents ended up marrying and who my own parents ended up marrying I see they finally found their soul mates; even if it was the second time around. When my dad’s step-father (he always called him dad) passed away, my dad’s real father and step-mother were there for my grandma to help and do whatever she needed. In return when my dad’s real father passed away, my dad’s mom was there to help my grandmother with whatever she needed or just be there to support her. Things weren’t always perfect over the years but for the most part my four grandparents on my father’s side always came together for what was best for our family – period.

Same on my mother’s side. My maternal grandmother and grandfather both married wonderful people who balanced them out and were a much better fit then they were for each other.

I feel pretty lucky to have grown up in a “blended” family. People used to call it a “broken” home or family, but I truly now know from the bottom of my heart that we weren’t broken – just in need of a little tweaking!

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Newest Baltimore Raven is the Loveable Michael Oher!

April 28, 2009 By 6 Comments

Another one of my favorite 2009 NFL Draft picks is the newest Baltimore Raven, Michael Oher. Like Curry, I found his story to be a compelling heart tugger that made me immediately fall in love with the 6’4 309 lb. offensive tackle.

Although he was picked in the first round; he was the 23rd overall pick.  Apparently some thought he was going to go earlier in the draft and according to the commentators, some players would have had an attitude if they were called 23rd, but expected to go earlier. This was not the case with Oher. When interviewed immediately after his name was called, he said that he could’ve gone in the 7th round and it would not have mattered because either way he was happy to be playing football.

Michael Oher

 

“I’m ready to give Baltimore my very best,” said Oher. “I’m a fighter so they just got the best tackle in the draft.”

His humility and positive attitude is literally unbelievable, especially given his circumstances.

Born May 28, 1986 to a drug-addicted mother and a father he never knew prior to him being murdered, Oher attended 11 different schools before he was nine years old, failed the first and secon grade, and alternated between times spent in foster home and periods with no fixed address until he was sixteen years old.

That year Oher applied for admission to Briarcrest Christian School, a private school, at the instigation of acquaintance, Tony Henderson, who he was staying with temporarily.  Henderson was actually sending his son, and decided that Oher might as well come along.  The school’s football coach became interested in Oher, but school administrators did not feel that he was capable of handling their academic workload due to his scant educational background; however, he was admitted.

While there he met Leigh Anne and Sean Tuhoy through their daughter, who was also a student at Briarcrest. The Tuhoy’s allowed Oher to move in with them and began taking care of him. They hired a tutor who worked with him 20 hours a week to help bring up his grade point average and encouraged him to take a series of internet based courses from Brigham Young University to serve as replacements for poor marks earned earlier in his academic career, enabling him to be eligible to play college football.

Oher and his adoptive parents, Sean and Leigh Anne Tuhoy

 

Eventually, the Tuhoy’s adopted Oher, becoming the only stable, loving family he’s ever known. Apparently, the Tuhoy’s did a fantastic job helping this young man turn his life around. Thank God for people like the Tuhoy’s.  If more people viewed young men like Oher as an opportunity to help turn someone’s life around instead of a burden to society, we might see many more of these happy endings. What an exceptional blended family story!! This family certainly wasn’t organically made, but after seeing them on stage at the draft, you’d think they’d been together all along. This is more proof that blood is definitely not an essential requirement for being a family.

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Madlyn Primoff- Bad Mommy or Not?

April 28, 2009 By 6 Comments

I’m sure some of you have heard about the Madlyn Primoff story; prominent New York attorney who put her 10 and 12 year old daughters out of the car for arguing.  There has been an uproar regarding this story for the last several days. Some moms were raging because they felt her actions were inappropriate and reckless. Others could totally identify with her urge to put her bickering daughters out the car. And the rest said they not only understood her urge, but have done it themselves and would do so again!

The Story

Madlyn Primoff, 45, a partner in a Manhattan law firm, pleaded not guilty Monday to a charge of endangering a child. A temporary order of protection was issued, barring her from contact with the children, who were physically unharmed.

Primoff’s lawyer, Vincent Briccetti, would not comment Tuesday on details of the case. But he said, “Madlyn is a great mother connected with a great family, and she is grateful for the outpouring of support from friends and family.”

There wasn’t much support from strangers, however. Mothers interviewed near the scene said they couldn’t imagine doing what Primoff did, though some understood the urge.

Iris Gorodess, 49, of Mahopac, who has four children ranging from 10 to 19 years old, said she sympathized with Primoff’s actions, right up to the point where she pulled away.

“I used to pull over and make the kids change seats. Also, I make sure the kids have their iPods and their games. And I have a minivan, so they’re not up my neck all the time.

“But I can’t see pulling away. That has to be too scary for the children.”

White Plains police said Primoff ordered the arguing girls out of the car Sunday evening as they were driving home. She left them at Post Road and South Broadway, an area of shops and offices 3 miles from their home, then drove off, the police report said.

The report does not say whether the girls had cell phones.

Police would not say if Primoff ever returned to look for the girls, but they said, without explaining how, that the 12-year-old eventually caught up with the mother. The 10-year-old was found by a “Good Samaritan” on the street, upset and emotional about losing her mother, police said.

The girl gave police her mother’s name and their address in well-to-do Scarsdale, and they asked Scarsdale police to check Primoff’s $2 million house. Shortly afterward, Primoff called Scarsdale police from home to say the 10-year-old was missing, said Scarsdale Detective Lt. Bryant Clark.

He directed her to White Plains police headquarters, where she was arrested.

Dr. Richard Gersh, director of psychiatric services at the Jewish Board of Family and Children’s Services in Manhattan, said Primoff’s behavior was not appropriate.

“It is a traumatic situation for a child to be abandoned by a parent like that. You can imagine what emotional issues might arise,” he said.

My Perspective

I actually understand and sympathize with Mrs. Primoff. Although I have never had to do this with my son or stepson (they rarely argued), I do have a niece and nephew who I have wanted to put out of the car on several occasions. The only reason that I didn’t is because they are just five and eight years old.  I definitely don’t think that she should be branded a bad mommy like the media is trying to do. I might call her an overwhelmed, frustrated, tired or fed up mommy, but not a bad mommy.  Additionally, I disagree with her being slapped with a charge of neglect AND having a protective order prohibiting contact with her children. If anything this situation is being handled recklessly by the authorities.  Primoff is an overwhelmed mother AND attorney who needs a break, not a lawsuit!

It is so funny how the media will twist information to find a story. They claim that she just drove off, like she never intended to come back however; she and her mother drove around the block and never intended to abandon her children. Clearly, she just wanted to teach them a lesson and send a message that mommy isn’t playing. Unfortunately, many times mothers bear most of the responsibility of tending to the children, whether they work or not, and sometimes they have to resort to drastic measures to get their children to simply listen.

The reason this is so relevant to BFSO is because imagine how overwhelmed moms like Madlyn would feel if they had to contend with the every day stress of raising kids and working, along with dealing with stepchildren, ex-spouses, court dates, and the overall joys and pitfalls of living in a blended family!!

Can any of you second moms or ex-wives attest to feeling completely overwhelmed and frustrated that you just can’t take the bickering or talking back and have to wanted to put the kids (stepchildren included) out of the car??

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BFSO Loves The Newest Seattle Seahawk, Aaron Curry!

April 27, 2009 By 5 Comments

On Saturday I watched the NFL draft with my number one draft pick – my husband. We actually DVR’d it because we were gone when it came on. My baby surprised me with a movie (we saw Obsessed and it was FANTASTIC!), and afterwards we enjoyed sushi, strawberries dipped in chocolate, wine actually it was sparkling grape juice because we don’t drink, the most delicious cheesecake and the house to ourselves for several hours. It was wonderful!!!

At any rate, I actually enjoyed watching the draft; not only because I get to spend some time with my husband, doing something that he enjoys more than life itself, but because I love hearing the stories behind the players. Like many of the previous drafts, this year’s draft featured many players who come from single parent and blended homes and homes without fathers. I was amazed when I heard what these young men had overcome, their positive attitudes despite their circumstances and their caring hearts. One of my favorites this year is the newest Seattle Seahawk, Aaron Curry.

Born April 6, 1986 in Fayetteville, North Carolina, Curry was drafted fourth overall by the Seattle Seahawks as a linebacker. After watching the tears in his eyes while he gave a hug to his little friend, lukemia patient, Bryson Merriweather, I could tell that this was a very special day for both of them. Immediately, I fell in love with Mr. Curry!

Curry had known Bryson for a mere 10 days, but it looked like they were long-time friends. When Curry found out that he was going to the draft, he called St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital in Memphis to see if any of the kids might want to accompany him and Bryson’s story captured his heart.

The 12 year old was at football practice one afternoon and was having trouble breathing. His mother took him to the doctor thinking it was asthma, but the doctor informed her that it was lukemia. She said that football actually saved his life.

Aaron Curry with 12 year old lukemia patient, Bryson Merriweather

Aaron Curry with 12 year old lukemia patient, Bryson Merriweather

Because Curry grew up in a rough area of Fayetteville, North Carolina and had minimal contact with his father – his father is former Detroit Lions, Reggie Pinkney, he felt the same way about football.

“It kept me off the streets, allowed me to get a great education, and always gave me a place to cope with my frustrations,” Curry said.  “Without football, there was no way I was going to be able to manage some of the things that I went through.”

A likely match, Bryson and Curry flew to New York on Wednesday. They enjoyed a private tour of the Empire State Building, lunch at ESPN Zone, video games and of course, the draft on Saturday. It was the first time in New York City for both Curry and Bryson and clearly a time in their lives that neither would forget.

Curry was raised with his two older brothers by his mother, Chris Curry. He has had a minimal relationship with his father, former Detroit Lions and Baltimore Colts defensive back, Reggie Pinkney. And it looks like Ms. Chris Curry did an EXCELLENT job with this young man despite minimal contact with his father.

Aaron Curry's father, Reggie Pinkney

Aaron Curry's father, Reggie Pinkney

WE LOVE AARON CURRY! His heart, positive attitude, and strength should be not only admired, but celebrated. Often times athletes get a bad wrap, but Aaron Curry proves that SOME are really caring, compassionate citizens of this world who desire to give back.  BFSO salutes Aaron Curry!

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Filed Under: Single Parent Families Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

BFSO Salutes Special Athletes During NFL Week

April 27, 2009 By Leave a Comment

In honor of the NFL draft, BFSO would like to pay homage to those special athletes this week. These men have overcome broken families, single parent homes, drug-addicted parents, homelessness, death of a parent and so much more. Yet, their attitudes remain ones that we all should respect and admire. They are definitely more than just football players who catch balls, block balls, or make touch downs. They are exceptional young men!

This week BFSO will profile Aaron Curry and Michael Oher. Be on the lookout for these great stories of hope and inspiration.

Aaron Curry

Aaron Curry

Michael Oher
Michael Oher
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Babies after age 35

April 24, 2009 By 5 Comments

janetjackson1Tyra Banks has this segment on her show called 20 questions. During this segment she gets to ask celebrity guests 20 questions about any and everything. On a recent show she asked Janet Jackson this question – when are you going to have children? Her response went something like this:

 

“Everybody keeps asking me that question. Honestly, I’m in no rush. I mean it’ll happen when it’s supposed to. I have time. I’m still young.”

 

“How old are you,” Tyra asked?

 

“41, so I’ve got time,” Janet replied.

 

Although Janet Jackson’s youthful look is still the envy of even some women in their 20’s, can it be limited to just that – a look? Does it mean that her body can still withstand the twists, turns and changes that pregnancy can put it through?

 

Many times remarried couples go back and forth when deciding to have a baby between them. Often times these couples have gone through at least one marriage, have multiple children between them and are older at this point. But many, women especially, feel it is important to have a child with their current husbands. The question is when is it too old to have a baby?

 

kidmanurban1More and more women are deciding to have children in their 30’s, 40’s and even closer to age 50 today than ever before. Nicole Kidman, age 41, just gave birth to her daughter Sunday Rose this year and she’s in good company. Halle Berry, 41, also gave birth to daughter, Nahla, this year. Jennifer Lopez, age 38, recently gave birth to twins, Max and Emme. Marcia Cross, age 44, gave birth to twins, Savannah and Eden last year. And, Salma Hayek, age 40, gave birth to daughter, Valentina, this year.

 

 

 Celebrities aren’t the only ones who are giving birth later in life. According to a report on pregnancy, in 2006, the pregnancy rate in women over 40 is rising faster than any other age group. As a matter of fact, I know more than a few women that had their children for the first time after age 35 or are in their thirties, but have decided to wait before having children. Most of them based their decision to on their career, the fact that they haven’t found Mr. Right yet or them feeling like they just aren’t ready. Do they have the right idea or not??

 

According to Dr. Skelton, who recently explained on the National Geographic Channel’s program, Animal Aging Secrets, the baby boomers just might be doing the right thing by having children much later in life.

 

“Evidence suggests that the later you produce children, the longer your life span will be,” she says.

 

This research further indicates that after 30, there is a dramatic reduction in oestrogen hormone in women. By leaving it longer before having our first child, we’re giving ourselves a big burst of oestrogen, which helps in many ways – muscle, bone and nervous function. Additionally, scientists say that women who have their last child after age 35 could be reducing her risk of death in each subsequent year by 28 percent compared to a woman who gave birth for the last time at a younger age. It could also mean a later menopausal period and the delayed onset of diseases such as Alzheimer’s for these women.

 

In addition to pregnancy, the act of trying to get pregnant is also helpful in prolonging your life span. Research indicates that a healthy sex life can prove to be beneficial as well. Testoterone levels drop in men and women as they grow older. But sex produces more testoterone, which may help keep our hearts in good shape.

 

So, there you have it.  If you want to live longer, have plenty of sex and babies after 35!

 

BFSO wants to hear from our readers. Did you or have you decided to wait to have children later in life? Perhaps you’re a second wife with no biological children of your own and are just now considering having children. If so, why or why not?

 

 

 

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