Re-Marital Sex – Keeping it HOT in the Bedroom!

Sexless Marriage – [seks les mar-ij]

noun

1. A married couple who has sex 10 times per year or less.

There are many reasons that sex seems to “get laid” (no pun intended) down by the riverside in remarriages and marriages for that matter. The stress of raising kids, combining households, running your household, the economy, dealing with ex-spouses, co-parenting issues and trying to learn each other all seem to get in the way of SEX! Not to mention that at a certain age and after a number of years of marriage, one just loses his or her motivation AND runs out of new ways to keep it spicy in the bedroom. Not only that, but finding the time to have sex seems darn near impossible.

My husband and I have been together for 8 years and in the beginning, we had sex MULTIPLE times a day! We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. Since we came into this marriage with 2 kids who were both 4, we found creative ways to make time for sex. We would both come home on our lunch breaks, have late night quiet sex or have all day sex on the rare occasions when both kids were out of the house. Now…after long days, promotions hence more responsiblity at work, school activities and preparing to do it all again the next day; we’re both lucky to stay up past 9:30. I think being newly in love helps to keep that adrenaline pumping and stamina up or something. That or maybe we were just younger then and therefore didn’t require much sleep. We still can’t keep our hands off of each other, but we THOUGHT that finding the time to take it a step further would be impossible. That was until we changed our mindset and decided to put the focus back on us. We refused to fall victims to this sexless marriage epidemic that plagues over 50% of all married or remarried couples. We discovered that it was less about making an appointment for sex, but more about making US  a priority and sex would naturally evolve.

Although sex is a small portion of the union, it still plays an important role in marriage. As such, it is crucial that remarried couples carve out some time just for YOU and only YOU; not the kids, not the drama with the ex-spouses, not the economy or the finances, but just YOU.

Here are some ideas that have helped keep my husband and I in love after 8 years of blended family marriage.

1. We limit the drama discussions. If there is an issue with an ex-spouse that can’t be resolved for whatever reason, we don’t dwell on it. We move on and don’t discuss it over and over and over again.
2. We have date nights once per month – NO KIDS. Don’t feel guilty about dropping the baby off at grandma or grandpa’s, aunt or uncle’s or a trusting friend. Your marriage and your kids will thank you for it later.
3. We talk about sex  A LOT!
4. We touch each other often. Whether it is a kiss while I’m making dinner, a pat on the butt when he comes in from walking the dog, or holding hands while riding in the car; we make it a point to maintain frequent affectionate contact.
5. We recently discovered sexting; texting little romantic/sexual messages.

All of these things help keep sex and US on the brain and help to keep it HOT in the bedroom. What about you? Give our readers some tips on how you keep it hot and spicy in the bedroom. You can email them to info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com or comment on this article.

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Relationship Coach, Lacee Jacobs lends advice to wives and ex-wives

Di, J and I had the opportunity to sit down and talk to the fabulous Relationship Coach, Lacee Jacobs, during the taping of our first talk show. She offered some insightful advice that I’m certain our readers will find helpful. Here’s a recap:

What can wives and ex-wives do to improve their relationship and minimize conflict?

• Be committed!
• Determine if your heart is open or if it is closed. This involves the willingness to evaluate the pureness of your way of being toward the other person. What are your deepest thoughts and attitudes about them? Open your heart and release the negative thoughts! This is probably the most challenging step. 
• Establish and acknowledge your own value as well as acknowledge the value of the other person. (In Psychology terms, this is what is referred to as creating healthy boundaries.)
•  Be willing to put yourself in their shoes.  Try viewing the world from their perspective. You do not have to own their perspective, just try it on to attain understanding and compassion. This will require you to be respectful, curious and open.
• Ask yourself questions like, “What can I do to help this person be successful in relationship with me?” Stay away from questions like the following:  ”What is wrong with them?” “Why do I have to be the bigger person?” “Why me?” This step boils down to you choosing to be part of the solution vs. part of the problem.
• Participate in heart communication. This is something that you may need to learn. Take responsibility by reading a book, seeing a therapist or hiring a relationship coach.
• Develop a healthy relationship with your spouse, partner, or significant other.
• Develop a healthy relationship with all of the children that are part of your blended family.

Remember that relationships are designed to teach us. Once you embrace this, you may discover that this experience is an opportunity for you to heal and move toward becoming a bigger version of yourself.

Lacee Jacobs is a professional coach who specializes in working with human relationships of all kinds. As a certified Body/Mind coach and Trained Relationship Systems Practitioner, Lacee combines passion, hearth and challenge to get the results with her clients. For more information on Lacee Jacobs please visit www.myinspiredinsights.com.

Our Children and the Economy

“Mommy, why haven’t you opened this envelope on your desk for 2 weeks?  Come here and let me explain.”

As I sat with that envelope in my hand, my 10 year old son asked me why I looked worried.  It was my 401(k) plan statement and as I sat there contemplating whether or not to open it, I decided that this would be a good time for a short, laymen-termed course on the American economy, fit for a 10 year old! 

He has often asked me why gas prices were so high and why he couldn’t go skating as much as he used to.  Most of the time, I would avoid his questions like the plague….this time, I decided to sit him down and hope to make him understand why.   I feel that things that do not make any sense to children begin to come into focus when they know their parents are worried.  They may not understand Wall Street and the goings and comings, but they do know their parents and their day-to-day emotions.

I began by explaining to him how our capitalist system works.  Was it a lot for a 10-year old?….probably, but all in all, he got the jist that we are in tough times and that our country is in bad shape.  I then began to explain the reasons why I opt to find fun, free things to do with our family on weekends  that don’t involve money.  I explained to him that it is hard for me and Daddy to take everyone to the movies at $7.50 a piece  but instead, we can rent a “red-box” movie for a dollar at Wal-Mart or McDonalds and everyone can watch. 

Another example is a couple of weekends ago, he and my step-daughter wanted to go skating and instead I suggested that we do something for the wildlife in our community.  We went to the discount day old bakery where they have big, giant bags of bread that have been damaged for a $1.00.  We bought one big bag and went to the park and fed all the ducks along the walking path.  They had a blast!  Didn’t seem like much at first, they were puffing their lips and pouting, but boy oh boy they had the best time running from the ducks and throwing bread into the little creeks.  Plus, how healthy was that for them?  Upon leaving, they said, “now that was fun and the ducks have food for a week!”

Another semi-free/cheap thing we do is when the weather is good we get their roller blades on or their heeleys on and we go downtown to our fabulous city and walk around the capitol and the circle and we let them wear themselves out.  We stop for a scoop of ice cream and as we like to call it, “people watch.”  You can always expect  something funny when doing that! 

I try to find free things to do all the time but also smart things that will allow the children not only have fun, but at the same time learn something.  On Thursdays here in our city, our childrens’ museum admission is free.  There, they can learn about everything from dinosaurs to black history.  There is always a new exhibit and we never get tired of seeing the old ones again. 

To me, withholding important information from our children about what we are going through as parents to make their lives happy and fulfilling  is like telling them that we are stepping over a burning bush when in reality, it is a full-blown FIRE. 

At the end of the day, I do not want my worries as a parent to become a burden on my children but they do need to understand why cut-backs have to happen and why Daddy has to work two jobs and miss their soccer and volleyball games, etc.  Children are smarter than we as parents, a lot of the time, give them credit for.  When times are tough, we can use these situations as learning tools that will teach our kids lifetime of lessons.  Our children will appreciate the fact that we have to work hard and make do with what we have in order to make it through tough times.

P.S.  I still haven’t opened the envelope!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Divorce – Who Needs Furniture?

An excerpt from the book, Divorce, Who Needs Furniture Anyway?

I never would have thought it could happen to me. I have spent endless days evaluating the things that has brought me to this moment of truth. I am going through a divorce. I am single again. What was a ten year investment has crashed like the economy and I find myself handed a pink slip reminding me that I am no longer needed for my services. I am beyond crying I am shell shocked, as I look at her boxes as they fill a home that was designed for us. I flip channels on the TV because I can only assume that this is a romantic movie and somehow the love and romance will soon spark and somehow it will be fixed. Needless to say that time never came as I still get caught in ignoring the world around me as it is packed away. I sit and sip wine as if you were still sitting here. Only to remind myself that it was only my imagination, that you have never sat next to me. Feeling disgusted that i am caught dreaming about a dream. Dreaming of a world by which two people are in love with the thought of being in love. That we both live in a world of us and and everything else is just in it. That time never arrived as the movers have pulled up to the house. I was naive to the warning signs. That this marriage was long over, I guess when communication was like having a business meeting and sex was like an appointment, that just might be a sign that the relationship is over. However, I loved as If I was blind. While the movers start loading the truck.

We sit and talk for the last time, civil like friends. Reflect on the good times you wish me the best and I tell you I hope you find the happiness you could not find in me. Then we both agree that our little girl would stay with me and we will raise her together. Then Bobby the mover asked are you about ready. You nod with a yes. We hug for the last time. I walk you to the door I wave as you get into your car and drive away. As I locked the door, an epiphany in my heart arose that I was locking a door to season of my life that was over. That my life at this point would forever be different. The way I look at my life, love, and relationships will forever be changed.

I cry because I feel free to love again, but I am nervous about starting over again. Optimistic about the new life that I will design for me and my child, nevertheless scared of failure. Wanting to date but stuck with 1993 pick up lines. I have a swag that is unbelievable but I will not play games. Wanting to get my groove on but I am stuck reading bedtime stories and watching Hannah Montana. Refuse to parent from a cell phone as I try to start my life over again. Have to get my hustle on but the daycare close at 5:30 and bedtime is at 8. My parents say I doing a good job, I said that this is all their fault. That they cursed me, that all they have ever taught me was how to be married, I don’t know how to be single. I would have never thought that this would be apart of my journey. Who would have ever thought that Love would have to learn how to love again . What the hell, who needs furniture anyway. She left me with a TV and the Nintendo Wii.

Antonio Love is a recently divorced father who is currently raising his daughter. He is also the author of Talking What Ya Want and Divorce, Who Needs Furniture Anyway. For more information on Antonio Love and his movement, please visit www.antoniolove.com.

For Better or Worse:Sex and Marriage, Part 2

This story was first published on BlackandMarriedWithKids.com.

by Eric Payne

Following last week’s conversation at Black And Married With Kids, I decided to take the question of sex and marriage one step further.  I wanted to know if the opinions on this subject were specific to men or women.

On my blog, MakesMeWannaHoller.com, I hosted a new poll in an effort to answer this question.  71% of respondents who thought their love lives had improved since marriage were women, whereas only 29% of men felt this way.  I naturally assumed that the majority of people who thought their love lives had deteriorated since marriage would be men.  I was wrong.  Men and women were evenly split, 50/50 on the matter. It turns out men and women have similar feelings about sex and the lack of it. Welcome to 2009, men.

If this sentiment isn’t gender specific, then what’s going on?  I believe the problem lies in the routine that the institution of marriage inevitably creates for two people.

A reader weighing on my post from last week stated, the “spontaneity and/or expectation of romance or sexiness [is canceled out],” by the comfort that comes from marriage.  In this writer’s opinion, it isn’t cancelled, but it is muted considerably.  The following is an all too typical scenario for couples: getting up at a certain time to get to work by a certain time and kids are in the picture, they have to be rustled out of bed, gotten ready for the day and hauled off to their respective daycare services and/or schools.  At the end of the workday the goal is to make sure to leave work by a certain time to ensure picking up the kids on time, putting food on the table, checking homework and getting everyone ready to do it all again the next day.  Typically after all this is done, then and only then, an opportunity for intimacy arises. By then one if not both spouses have worked a sixteen to eighteen hour day.  Repeat this routine five days in a row, every week for nine to ten months each year.  Add to this your healthy helping of daily stress and intimacy gets pushed further and further to the backburner until it simply ceases to exist.

Sometimes, some men will seek to “get some” despite these factors, skipping foreplay and cutting straight to the chase.  Wives usually have a standard rebuff for this, such as my personal favorite, “My face hurts,” spoken by actress, Gina Torres, in the Chris Rock movie, I Think I Love My Wife.  Wives want intimacy for two reasons in particular, 1) they deserve it; and 2) because most know they deserve it, anything less suggests a second-rate existence.  Unfortunately, this too can add stress and strain the relationship.

If you have a little patience than what I’ve just described, I believe one way to regain intimacy is through getting reacquainted and in some instances, acquainted.  Singles call this dating.  This requires couples to make time for just each other in addition to all the “work” that is required of marriage.  It can be done, although daunting, especially when you have kids.  There are thirty days in each month and 365 days in a year.  I, myself, went from being a non-believer, to managing to carve out one date with my wife once every two months to where I am as of the writing of this piece: twice a month, including an occasional surprise date.  I’m not out of the woods yet, but I’m getting there.

I made the time because my spouse and my marriage are worth it.  Are yours?

Eric Payne lives with his wife and kids just outside of New York City and writes about married life and fatherhood at MakesMeWannaHoller.com. He also writes a fatherhood column at MochaManual.com. He is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. His short fiction has appeared in Spindle Magazine and DiddleDog Magazine.

Reader’s Question…How do I fix my relationship with my ex-spouse?

Hello,

I have two challenges that I could use some help with….
I have been divorced since May ‘08. My ex is presently in Mexico getting remarried. They called tonight to leave a message for our 7 year old daughter. After her message, their phone line did not cut off and the machine taped several minutes of them bad mouthing me and making comparative and hurtful statements. (These were all perspectives on me, our relationship and the break-up that I had never heard before.) When we split, my ex had been more compassionate and insightful about our relationship and seemed to view it within a holistic context in which we each shared responsibility in both its success and “failure”. We are already relating poorly and now I really feel like I cannot trust him (them). How can we move out of this when our perspectives are so radically different?

The second challenge is in our child custody arrangement (and relates to the first challenge as well). My ex is an ER doc. He argued that he cannot commit to a regular schedule as his shifts are inconsistent. He also has never felt strongly about maintaining a relationship with our daughter- feeling like he couldn’t do it because of his work- and, that the adoption was my idea and he didn’t really want to do it. He couldn’t quite admit this in court so he did agree to average 10 days a month with her. When he is with her, he seems to enjoy his time and she enjoys being with him. What’s happened is that he gets looser and looser with following through. (Doesn’t let us know his schedule until the last minute, doesn’t follow through with his agreements, schedules trips without coordinating as agreed…) When confronted, he rebels. His words and actions don’t match. Out of frustration, I said I was ready to go back to court to establish a consistent schedule so that we would all know what to expect and could plan our lives. He reacted by stating he would argue for physical custody (which I now have) and would stop paying child support. So, its all or nothing. How can I work with this while maintaining some boundaries for our daughter and myself?

BTW, these entanglements are similar to ones I had hoped to divorce myself from in the marriage. I really thought that the divorce decree would provide more structure and I would have more autonomy. Ironically, I still feel controlled.

My Response:

Thanks for visiting BFSO!

First off, let me assure you that I can identify with how you feel as I have been where you are. I’m sorry that you are experiencing the same pain.

I can understand you being a little, well maybe even a lot, upset by the comments you overheard your ex and his new wife saying. It’s always hurtful to hear someone saying things that aren’t so nice about us. That being said, I’m an avid believer in truly accepting your reality. The reality is that even though you may not have heard these things before doesn’t mean that your ex never felt this way. It only means that he was ‘kind’ enough not to say it to your face. If you’re really honest with yourself, I’m certain that you’ve said some not so nice things about him, too. After all, you said that you two were already relating poorly, so don’t be too quick to blame this one phone call (that you weren’t even supposed to hear) on your inability to trust him at this point. That phone call has nothing to do with the child and if you have any chance at co-parenting effectively, you must learn to separate the two. I tell all of my divorced parents to be conscious of “I” versus “our child” statements. If all of the statements out of your mouth are…”I was hurt when you…,” “I didn’t like it when you…,” “It makes me sad when you…,” then how you’re feeling probably has more to do with you than with your child. Your perspective on how your relationship ended bears no relevance in how you move forward to raise your daughter. One has nothing to do with the other and you must adopt this mentality if you want a chance at co-parenting effectively in the future.

That being said, this next issue is definitely about your daughter. Children definitely benefit from consistent meaningful contact with both parents. I can certainly understand, however, his work schedule, as an ER doctor generally isn’t a 9 to 5 profession. What was your husband’s work schedule like before the divorce? Did he consistently spend quality time with your daughter when you were married? If not, it isn’t realistic to think that he would change when you divorce. I’m certainly not condoning his behavior. I’m simply trying to get you to accept your reality. When we truly accept our reality we know how to move forward. But if you have a false sense of reality, your expectations will likely far exceed what they should.

I was in your position at one point, too. My ex was and honestly, still is (from a physical and emotional standpoint), very inconsistent. He is an overseas basketball player and he too blames his actions on his work schedule. I used to fight, but now I just don’t anymore. The court order, fighting, or trying to civilly communicate hasn’t changed him and never will. I realized that he has to make that decision all on his own and hope that our son is here to receive him when and if that happens.

Sherri, there really is no easy answer to setting boundaries for you and your daughter. Yes, the divorce decree is SUPPOSED to provide more structure but that only happens when both parents mutually agree to put their child’s interest above their own. It simply doesn’t work, if you both aren’t on the same page. And, there is ALWAYS compromise involved when trying to get on the same page. You can’t expect him to meet you where you are and he can’t expect the same of you. You BOTH are going to have to make some concessions in order for you to communicate effectively enough to co-parent! Also, be advised that it hasn’t even been a year and it’s going to take some time to move past the hurt and to a peaceful existence. Often times, when we are stewing over hurt feelings we don’t focus on what’s right because we don’t want to. It’s a natural human reaction to being hurt and pissed off. Allow you both to have some time to move past it instead of assuming that you are automatically going to be the loving happy divorced parents who co-parent their child perfectly. Trust me, it takes time to get to that point, if you even arrive at that point at all. It’s all about accepting your reality.

So, my suggestion would be to try to COMMUNICATE with instead of CONFRONTING your ex-husband. When you confront someone it automatically puts them on the defensive. Remember, you’re not interested in being right or attacking him. Your main goal is to communicate, with an intent to understand, so that you can begin to co-parent your daughter in a manner that is most beneficial to her. You set the tone for how things are to going operate from this point on.

I hope I’ve helped, Sherri. Please feel free to shoot me an email at kela@blendedfamilysoapopera.com, or respond to this message, if you need clarification on any of my points.

Warmly,

*Kela*

Blended families face special estate planning complications

This article was first published on bankrate.com by author, Jay McDonald.

“I once had to tell a family member on his death bed that because of the way he arranged his assets, the farm that had been in his family for a couple generations is headed to his wife and her family,” he says.

To prevent the situation that Krull encountered takes meticulous financial planning. The goal is to nurture your new blended family now and ensure they are taken care of after you’re gone.

According to Krull, an effective financial plan for a blended family should:
1. Disinherit your ex-spouse
2. Protect your own children
3. Provide for your new spouse, and
4. Minimize estate taxes

Disinherit your ex-spouse? Yes. Not only is this a little-known step, it is vitally important to avoid the kinds of legal shocks that continue to fuel TV soap operas.

Simply put, unless you actively remove an ex-spouse as the named beneficiary or joint owner with right of survivorship, he or she could legally inherit your house, your Employee Retirement Income Security Act (ERISA) retirement plan, your life insurance payout, even your bank account balances. This could occur even if you specified otherwise in your will and even if the laws of your state automatically extinguish the ex-spouse’s interest in the assets of your estate. How can this be?

“All of those things trump a will. They are non-probate transfers,” Krull explains. “The only transfers that a will covers are those that go through probate. Joint ownership with right of survivorship, pay-on-death, transfer-on-death and beneficiary designations all trump probate.”

What’s more, unless you take the proper legal steps, your former wife or husband would likely be named by a probate court to manage the inheritance you leave your children. If one of your children should predecease him or her, your ex-spouse, and not siblings, would inherit that share of your estate as next-of-kin.

“You have to change all your beneficiaries,” says Williams. “I’ve seen clients who have been married two or three years and they still have their parents as their beneficiaries. And that includes life insurance, IRAs and retirement plans.”

Protecting your children and providing for your spouse might seem simple, but in blended families, few things ever are. If you leave everything to your spouse with instructions to provide for your children, you run the risk of disinheriting your own kids because your spouse’s estate could fall to his or her offspring, not yours.

Then there’s the havoc that can result in May-December romances where the children are as old, or older than, their stepmother. Your children may not live to receive the inheritance you intended, or your spouse may simply choose to leave it all to her children or to her new spouse.

Fortunately, financial planners have a ready set of legal tools to make sure you don’t accidentally disinherit your own children. Here’s what they are and how they can work together:

Long-Term Discretionary Trust (LTD trust)
This trust administers your children’s inheritance through a trustee appointed by you. Should a child predecease your ex-spouse, their inheritance would go to their children (your grandchildren) or your surviving children, not your ex. LTD trusts also can protect your children’s inheritance from divorce, bankruptcies, lawsuits and irresponsible spending.

Qualified Terminable Interest Property Trust (QTIP trust)
A QTIP trust provides income and even principle to your new spouse for life, after which the trust assets often pass to an LTD trust for your own children. Protects your new spouse while providing for your children.

Life insurance
A policy on your life will provide a known amount to your beneficiaries upon your death. The payouts also can be used to fuel a QTIP trust to benefit your spouse and children or an LTD trust to protect your children. QTIPs are particularly useful to “cash out” children who are of similar age to a younger surviving spouse.

Second-to-die insurance
For May-December couples who have young children, the attractive payout of a second-to-die policy can enable them to amass a financial war chest for their heirs. The policy may be owned by an Irrevocable Life Insurance Trust (ILIT trust) to minimize taxes.

Premarital agreement
By clearly listing those assets you intend to keep separate after marriage, you may have greater control over them after you’re gone, at least in states that recognize prenups.

A typical blended family financial plan might include a prenup which stakes your legal claim to your individual assets, a life insurance policy which provides a known amount of money to each beneficiary, and a QTIP trust to provide a lifetime income stream for your spouse and then funds an LTD trust for your children.

Krull says he also likes to include what he calls a “Rodney King clause,” as in “can’t we all just get along?” “That clause says that if anyone whines or complains about what my clients have set up, then they are presumed to have died before my client according to the trust instrument and are thereby legally disinherited by being declared dead.”

Can divorced parents be friends?

I was at the gym the other day and happened to see a woman and a man that I know are divorced. My husband just finished coaching their son and he would often bring his fiance to the games. So imagine my surprise when I saw them walk in and work out together. It sparked a very important question and one that I am acutally asked quite often; can or should you be friends with your ex-spouse? My answer is always that each situation is different. Sometimes it’s healthy, but sometimes it’s harmful!

There are many factors that should be considered when continuing or forming a friendship (not just being friendly) with your ex-spouse. For starters, it could raise a host of trust and jealousy issues between you and your current spouse. Secondly, one must consider their motivation for wanting to be friends with his or her ex-spouse. Is it because you sincerely want to be better parents or because you’re just afraid of letting go? Do you desire to make his or her current partner jealous or is it a true friendship that you share with your ex-spouse? These are all questions that you should ask yourself about your friendship with your ex-spouse.

Be advised that the appropriate boundaries must be drawn in order to maintain a friendship with the ex. An outside observer of your relationships should be able to tell which one is the current and which one is the ex. As such, you should never be more honest with your ex-spouse than your current partner; discussing feelings of intimacy, problems with your current relationship, etc. Additionally, if you find yourself turning to your ex-spouse for advice or help rather than your current spouse, then it is likely that your friendship with your ex-spouse is unhealthy. It is also important that your current spouse be comfortable with your friendship with your ex. If you are constantly fighting with your current spouse about your friendship with your ex, then you need t consider which relationship is most important to you.

My husband’s ex-wife wanted very much to be “friends” with my husband however; she crossed the line on many occasions. She called him late at night, turned to him for EVERY problem that she had even though she had a long time boyfriend at the time. Additionally, she would call my house and not even say, “hi, how are you?” These types of actions are not only unhealthy, but disrespectul to the current spouse or girlfriend.

On the other hand, if you and your ex-spouse share a genuine friendship that is guided by healthy boundaries, then I don’t see why you can’t be friends. For example, if your ex-spouse respects your current relationship and can be friends with you BOTH, then it’s a healthy friendship that you share.  Additionally, neither of you should have a hidden agenda; whether it’s making the current spouse jealous or one of you still have strong feelings for the other.

My ex and I had a friendship when we were both single. We talked on the phone, had dinner together, helped each other in our time of need, but it stopped when he remarried. I would NEVER disrespect his current spouse in that manner or make her feel uncomfortable with our friendship. The only way I would ever allow our friendship to continue is if we could ALL be friends with each other; me, my husband, my ex and his wife. There is no reason why I need to share a relationship, other than co-parenting, with my ex that is independent of my marriage.

Overall, you should know that these types of genuine friendships between divorced parents rarely exist. Usually, it’s a situation where one or the other just can’t let go and that can be detrimental to all of your relationships that follow the one you shared with your ex-spouse. As such, it’s crucial  that you understand when it is healthy and how to maintain a friendship with your ex AND you BOTH must be on the same page in order for it to work. Establish the appropriate boundaries, make sure that your ex-spouse doesn’t still have feelings for you and consider your own motivation for wanting to be friends with your ex.

What about you BFSO readers? Are any of you still friends with your ex-spouse?

Shar Jackson and K’Fed putting the kids first- even Brittney’s!

This story was first published by Sassy on babble.

Shar Jackson and Kevin Federline may not be suited for each other in the romance department since they’re no longer together but that doesn’t mean they don’t get along and put their children first.

Jackson and Federline have 2 children together, Kori, 5, and Kaleb, 3 and we all know who else K’Fed has children with. Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, get to spend time with their half siblings and get to bond with them.  Both Kevin and Shar think that’s important.  Shar says that she and Kevin get along great and that she even helps out with Britney’s boys.  “We definitely make sure the kids all bond together,” Jackson told reporters Tuesday night at EA’s Launch For The Need For Speed Game in L.A. “I mean, they’re siblings, they need each other.  We’re not together or anything but we’re definitely still a family unit,” says Jackson, the ex Moesha cast member.  You know, I really give them credit, even Federline, for putting the needs of their children first and foremost.

Jackson continues, “Honestly, we’re like the best of friends. Obviously, the relationship didn’t work out for a reason, and we’re cool with that. But we’re still a part of each other’s lives. And our children get to see two people who aren’t together but still have a great relationship, and I think that’s really important.”  Too bad Britney couldn’t figure this stuff out. 

And Shar gives Kevin alot of credit in the parenting department and says she trusts him completely with their children: “I know he’s in a good place,” she says, “the kids are in a good place, and I made sure from day one – I told him, ‘You make sure you have our children.’ ”

Jackson said that she and Kevin don’t really talk about the “Britney stuff” because it would be a “non-stop” conversation, so they just focus on other, more important things-the kids!  At least Sean and Jayden have some stability in their little lives!

Photo source:WireImage

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