Bad-mouthing your ex-spouse

Today, after soccer try-outs, I decided to take my little boy and one of his friends to our neighborhood water park.   As I was sitting on the beach end with my book, a cute little blond-haired girl came and plopped down next to me and started talking away!  As she was talking about her cute, brand-new bathing suit that her mother had just bought her, I asked her what her name was and how old she was.  She said her name was Kelly and she was 5. 

Kelly was a funny little girl.  At the beginning of our conversation, she very matter-of-factly told me that she has been told that she is a “great talker” because she talks all the time!  I thought….”Well, you’ve met the right person because I LOVE to talk too!”  I was simply amazed at her maturity level.  Kelly went on about the new friends she made at Summer camp, etc.  About that time, I told her I had to go check my phone but I would return.  I had a book with me but decided to put it down because Kelly just seemed like she wanted to talk.  Upon arriving back to my spot, Kelly was gone and I went back to sunbathing.  A few minutes later, I felt a cold, wet tap on my shoulder and she informed me that she was back to sit with me.  What came next really made me sad.

Kelly began talking to me about her mom and her dad.  She said her mom was really “pretty” and her dad was really “strong.”  She then told me that her parents were separated and her dad had begun seeing another woman.  About this time, I was uncomfortable because I knew her dad was sitting about 25 feet away.  I decided I would just sit and listen to her.  Obviously, she needed to vent, I thought.  She went on about how she loves her daddy but she didn’t think it was right that he was seeing another woman so soon and that her mom was unhappy about it.  She also stated that she doesn’t get to see her daddy much but that when she does she tries to make sure that she makes him happy so that maybe one day he will come back home.   Okay, BREAK TIME, I thought.  I had tears streaming down my cheeks under my sunglasses.   During this time, I kept looking behind me to see if her dad would maybe come sit with her, etc., but no luck.  Little Kelly went on and talked a little more, but I told her that I needed to check on my little boy.  I REALLY wanted to go over and tell her dad that he needed to get off his touche and spend some time with his daughter and not under the cool umbrella by himself.  But, obviously, I knew that was not my place.  But, my heart was absolutely broken for Kelly.

One thing that I couldn’t get over after thinking about Kelly all evening was the mere fact that obviously her mother has subjected her to disparaging remarks about her father and further doing so by including Kelly in her grown-up personal life.  It was clear that she was also making Kelly feel responsible for making her dad happy enough to return home.  5 year-old children should NOT have to ever feel this way or feel that they have to take sides with either of their parents.  It’s not their responsibility to take care of us!  Disparagement is one of the biggest issues in our family court system and happens in almost every ugly divorce or separation.  I work in the  legal field and have heard clients complain and seen Judges remark about it in court orders, but NEVER have I had a 5 year-old child sit down with me and speak it verbatim from her experience with it. 

Maybe if someone is reading this post right now and is struggling with this issue in their current situation, no matter which end of the spectrum you are on, you will think twice.  Disparaging the other parent in any situation is a huge NO NO!  It is not only disrespectful to your child’s mother or father and to your own children as well, but it is extremely damaging to their self-esteem.  Children want to emulate their parents.  As my mother always said…Children Live What They Learn. 

I wanted to share this with you today because Kelly really amazed me and has been on my mind all afternoon and evening.  I will be praying for peace in her family.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Saturday, June 27th is National HIV/Aids Testing Day

June is National HIV/Aids Awareness month. Saturday, June 27th is National HIV/Aids Testing Day. This disease is still spreading rampantly. It has not “gone away”! It hasn’t been at the forefront of the media as in the past so some people think that this isn’t a problem anymore. That is pure ignorance. It is a huge epidemic and one that is ENTIRELY PREVENTABLE!!! With education and support this is a disease that can be controlled and not spread but it takes hard work to get the word out and to get people the education they need to protect themselves and the ones they love.

This starts at home. Many of the lessons we teach our children begin at home and this should be a main priority on your list. HIV/Aids does not discriminate. It is not just a gay man’s disease, it is not for “dirty” people or druggies, it is not something from third world countries. It happens to ALL kinds of people and it continues to grow at a rapid rate daily.

I happen to have an extremely open mind when it comes to many things in my home. My children are NOT allowed to use the word retarded , use any kind of gay or racial slurs, or make derogatory remarks regarding someone’s religion or culture. Everyone is equal in our home. Period. The world is made up of all kinds of people and to deny that is absurd. I also talk to my children openly and honestly about sex, HIV/Aids, and racial issues. As a parent these are hard conversations to have but are necessary ones. The “sex talk” and the HIV/Aids go hand in hand because it is a reality we live with every day. We have to teach our children to protect themselves through abstinence or safe sex – whatever works in your home discuss it.

Last night I attended a documentary screening called “Let Us Not Forget” and it dealt with people here in Indiana who are living everyday HIV positive. There were all genders, races, and cultures represented. There were mothers and fathers, brothers, sisters, and children infected with this disease. They have lost family, friends, and support all around them. They have been the outcasts at every event or disregarded in their own towns and homes. Some even contracted this disease prior to anyone really understanding what it truly is and had no support at all in the medical field as well with the rest of the population of the world.

Prevention is KEY! Saturday, June 27th around the country there will be hundreds of sites conducting FREE HIV/Aids screenings. I know it’s scary. Some people think that since there is no real “cure” yet then why even find out your status? YOU MUST. It can be controlled and you can live a normal life being HIV positive. But you have to take that first step and get tested. It’s painless and it doesn’t take much time out of your day. And it won’t take money out of your pocket.

I am proud to know my status. I will even go with someone to get tested if they need a friend or need a ride or I will try and find you one in your city. It is that important! Do it for yourself and the ones you love and for the ones who love you! Ignorance is NOT bliss!

BFSO is a proud supporter of National HIV/Aids Testing Day and encourages all of its readers to GO GET TESTED! For a full list of FREE HIV/Aids Testing Sites here in Indianapolis, Indiana go to www.aestheticdesignstyle.com .

Preventing divorce in America

Health Care reform is often one of the primary subjects of any presidential election in which America closely watches to see if the new President will actually follow through. President Obama is no different. He is adamant about making sure that every American has access to quality health care and he has outlined a plan that inlcudes, but is not limited to, expanding health care coverage, promoting scientific and technological advancements and improving health care PREVENTION!

Prevention is a word we often hear in health care education campaigns; ranging from teenage pregnancy to heart disease. There are tons of campaigns educating us on how to prevent bad things from happening, right??  When it comes to marriage and divorce, however, there is not only little education on how to prevent divorce or what it takes to build a solid marriage, but there are very few resources to help couples who find themselves in that situation. Marriage counseling or stepfamily counseling is often not covered by insurance; making it extremely difficult for couples to get the help they need to stay together.

According to the Census Bureau report on marital status, the U.S. has the highest divorce rate and highest rate of single parenting in the world. Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce and remarriage has an even higher rate of divorce. With most of these marriages/divorces there are children involved and they are the ones who suffer the most. WE NEED A MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE CARE REFORM!

In the government’s quest to educate, prevent and reform everything else they need to realize that healthy families play an important role in that prevention. Don’t you think teenage pregnancy would decrease if we focused on keeping that young girl’s family together? What about our teenage suicide rate, drug and alcohol use and high school drop out rate? Wouldn’t those decline if mom and dad stayed together? Statistics prove that kids of divorce are at higher risk of the above-mentioned. So wouldn’t it make more sense to focus on teaching young couples how to maintain successful marriages in order to prevent divorce? We desperately need a divorce prevention campaign!

In many cases, there are couples who should’ve never been married in the first place, but it was easy for them to do so. My husband married his ex-wife at barely 21 years old, after only knowing her for a few months because he got her pregnant. Of course, after less than three years, that marriage ended in divorce, which was very hard and expensive to obtain. SO WHY WAS IT SO EASY FOR THEM TO GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE?? We need to demand and require extensive pre-marital counseling for any couple who wants to get married. It shouldn’t be as easy as going to the Justice of Peace and walking out the same day married. Couples need to be educated on the responsibility of marriage, and if they don’t want to take the time to take pre-marital courses, then they shouldn’t be allowed to get married. Those classes should prepare that couple for marriage and should include topics on everything from sex to finances - the two biggest reasons that couples divorce!

The above-mentioned may work for those couples who aren’t yet married, but what about the couples who are already remarried? Those couples need to be educated on divorce prevention as 2 out of every 3 remarriages end in divorce. Additionally, all couples interested in remarriage in which there are children involved, should be required to take blended family courses prior to remarrying AND they should be assigned a blended family counselor or coach to be available to them for encouragement and support.

 Last but not least, we are all aware that when you leave the hospital after having a baby, they may give you some formula, post-pregnancy care instructions and a little blanket, but what they don’t give you is a handbook. As such, I think parents should be required to take parenting classes before the baby’s arrival.

If we spent as much time on the education, prevention and creation of healthy families as we do everything else, I am sure that our divorce rate, among other things, would take a nose dive. And so, I am creating a proposal for a new Healthy Families Reform Plan and it is my goal to take it all the way to Washington. As stated earlier, there are many campaigns involving the children of America, from education to teenage pregnancy, and healthy families play an essential role in the prevention of  those things. As a result, we need to put more effort into the education and awareness of creating and saving healthy families.

Reviving the Role of Fathers in Families

I STILL remember my father as a little girl. At five years old I would sit in his lap every night while rubbing on his earlobes until I fell fast asleep.  I remember him playing barbie dolls with me, cooking my favorite meals, calling me pumpkin and Kela Wela.  He was my protector who stood 6′4 in stature with a big deep voice and an even bigger heart. I also remember the times when he would annoy the heck out of me with his rules - no talking on the phone to boys until I was 16, no dating until my senior year in high school and anyone that I did date had better treat his pumpkin right. As a little girl, he made me feel as if I were some sort of prize and I used that feeling to determine my self-worth. From there, I developed my expectations of men. I knew how I should be treated and how I wanted to be treated because of the role that my father played in my life. Before he died, my parents were married for 26 years and whether knowingly or unknowningly, he played a crucial role in my development as an adult and a woman.

Whether society realizes it or not, fathers play an important role in the development of their childrens’ lives. According to researchers at the University of Maryland School of Medicine in Baltimore, children who have fathers in their lives have higher self-esteem, show fewer signs of depression and display higher academic achievements. Additionally, the children who perceive their fathers as supportive feel a greater sense of social acceptance.

The findings of this study applied equally to both boys and girls, black and white and to those with a biological father or a “father figure.”

Despite the findings of this study and similar studies about the essential role of the father in the family, society still chooses to downplay and/or not support or even encourage the role of the father in today’s family. According to the U.S. Census Bureau of 2001, 11% of married moms saw little significance in the father’s role in their childrens’ lives. 42% of divorced moms admitted to interferring with visitation with their childrens’ father because they did not think his role was important enough.

Persuasive suggestions, both direct and indirect, have become ingrained in our culture and lead many mothers and potential mothers to accept the idea that a male father figure just isn’t necessary, let alone ideal. The character of the father is becoming dispensable and the devastating result has been the continuous trivialization of an unequivocal meaningful and fundamental component of the family - daddy!

Now I’m not saying that we have to step back into the fifties where the whole family’s livelihood was dependent upon dad’s authortative role - his income, his mood and his final say. But, we can’t go to the other extreme either in which dad is seemingly not needed. The truth of the matter is that BOTH parents, mom and dad, are essential for the child’s development and neither role should be trivialized!

Fathers must be supported and encouraged in the family instead of being in continuous opposition with the mother or the legal system. This opposition has fathers fleeing altogether as they face the stark realization that over half of them will end up in a family law courtroom where inqequity within the system is extremely apparent. This same legal system has lost its ability to remain impartial and forces fathers who want to be involved and fight to stay involved (not the deadbeats), to financially support children, but strips them of their parental rights (not privileges).  

Earlier I mentioned deadbeat dads and although I loathe their limited to no involvement in their childrens’ lives, after research, I am not so quick to place the blame soley on them anymore. Perhaps their actions stem from a vicious cycle in which they saw mommy take care of them without daddy. As such, they may have rationalized that their children won’t be drastically affected by their absence.

Whatever the case may be, the father’s role needs to be uplifted,supported and revived. Just like we offer “what to know when you are expecting,” lamaaze, and even pre-marital classes in order to ensure that we give our children the best start possible; we also need to offer paternal parenting classes to teach the importance of their role as well as offer them support and encouragement.

As a society, we need to realize and emphasize the importance of BOTH mom and dad, especially in the blended family. Children of blended families face so many losses and it is crucial that both parents be allowed to retain their roles for the sake of the child’s development. At a time when these children need some stability and a sense of family cohesion, the socially and politically unjust and maternally biased legal system and/or the bitter ex-wife should not be allowed to destroy the lives of these children by encouraging the removal of an essential component of family - THE FATHER!!

To all of my dads out there, know that you are important in our families. Don’t be excluded. Speak up, step up and be the fathers that your children desperately NEED you to be.  And to my ex-wives, please stop making it difficult for dad to be in his child’s life, if he is truly trying to be a part of it. Whether you want to believe it or not, your child needs him and will be better off having formed a solid bond with his dad.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO ALL OF MY BFSO DADS!!!

The Package Deal by Stepmom, Izzy Rose

One of my favorite stepmom bloggers is Izzy Rose over at Stepmother’s Milk. She is also the author of my new must read called The Package Deal: My (not so) glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom. In it, Izzy delivers a story and message with the right amount sass and comedic flair that really helps you forget your struggles as a stepmom, or at least view them differently. The Package Deal is not only something that all stepmoms can relate to, but it will have you literally “cracking up” as well. Below is an excerpt from the book.

The L Word

I knew how to love, but I didn’t know what that maternal type of love felt like. I imagined that it must be similar to how I felt about my own mother, my father, Gram. I gave my love to them freely, without thinking about it. And I never ran out. I always had more.

When Hank and I first got together, I guessed there were many who assumed - or, like Hank hoped - that I’d instantly fall in love with his boys, too. But that wasn’t the case. I was charmed by the boys right away, and most days, even now, living with them, I was tickled by the things they said and did. But that didn’t mean that was going to be first in line to donate a kidney. I know this sounds pretty awful, but let’s be honest - how many stepmoms love their stepkids at “hello”?

The truth was, I just didn’t feel that way about The Tall One and The Young One yet, and I had to wonder, would I ever? I cared for them a great deal. I was very fond of them, but did I love them?

I’ve long felt that society expects women to feel exaggerated sweetness for anything with a heartbeat, especially c hildren. Like we were all born with an indiscriminate gushing gene. How did this rumor get started? Children may be easier to love than, say, your office cube-mates, but it’s not instant. I’ve always been quick to point out the obvious - children are just small people, and people aren’t always easy to love.

From beginning to end, The Package Deal offers practical advice that is universal to both stepmoms and even moms; such as learning to surrender your expecations, the importance of alone time with your spouse and creating boundaries. It is a book that every new stepmom must add to her list of “must haves.”

BFSO loves the Package Deal and we KNOW that you’ll love it, too, so much so, that we are giving away a copy to the first reader who responds to this question; Should you invite the ex-wife to your wedding??? Find out what Izzy did in her new book, The Package Deal; My (not so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom. You can answer the question in the comment section below or simply email your response to info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.

Life is Short…What’s Your Return on It?

I was reading a publication called “The Columbian”  today from one of our local social clubs here in our city.  There was a great article entitled “What’s your Return on Life?”  I wanted to share some of the tips this article provided with our BFSO readers because as it states, it is so easy to get caught up in letting life’s day-to-day distractions steer you away from what is important.  There has never been a better time to invest in our families. 

1.  Take a little vacation — I know times are tough with our economy, but we all know that life is too short.  We never hear anyone say, “I’d wish I’d spent more time at the office!”

2.  Take a dance lesson with your hubby or wife!

3.  Have a family-outing day around your city!  There are always new things to discover and some old ones that you never get tired of.  Pack a picnic lunch and make a day out of it!

4.  Create bonding experiences with your children.  Take them hiking, fishing, our bike-riding somewhere where there are no distractions.  This time will be precious to you and to your children.  You are making memories! 

All of these and the others you think of are an incredible investment in what the article calls your “Return on Life” account.  You will have great stories and photographs to re-live your memories when you are older and when your grandchildren arrive!

Peace and blessings,
Di

Co-Parenting with the Angry Ex-Spouse!

Di offered some great tips on how to co-parent effectively in a blended family in her last article. She said it was all about mutual respect for one another and learning to face challenges together, for the sake of the kids. That all sounds wonderful IF all parties actually do have mutual respect for one another and want to learn to face challenges together for the sake of the kids. But, the sad reality is that the majority of blended families are not interested in doing either. Should they be? Of course. But if we all lived in a world of ’shoulds’ it would be a much better place. We have to deal with our current reality.  So the question remains - how do you do the above-mentioned for the sake of the kids when all parties involved are not interested in doing so? The answer - you just can’t! You can’t create the ideal harmonious blend if everyone isn’t interested.

Having a controlling angry ex-spouse can make co-parenting seem like an extreme sport. The controlling angry ex-spouse is the ultimate manipulator. He or she (they can come in both genders) will do their best to make it impossible for you to adhere to a court order by constantly requesting visitation time changes, but then tell the courts that you are in violation of the court order. These parents will claim that they know the importance of the child having meaningful contact with both parents, but then make it impossible for you to do so.

Divorced parents who fail to co-parent effectively are often ordered, by the courts, to attend mediation, counseling or co-parenting classes. During these types of classes therapists, counselors and mediators feed these couples the obvious. Don’t say anything bad about the other parent to the child, make sure you communicate with each other…They make it sound so easy, right?? What they don’t, but should tell you, is that co-parenting is literally a NIGHTMARE for many divorced couples. If they know that ahead of time, then they know what to prepare for. I tell my couples all the things they shouldn’t do ahead of time because the things they should be doing are obvious.  For example, don’t stew over the fact that little Billy didn’t return home in the jeans that you sent him in. Is it really worth it to sent angry emails or texts back and forth, for weeks, over some jeans?? If you continually make a big deal out of trivial issues, then nobody wins, including your child.

That being said, even when I advise on what not to do, some divorced couples (including my husband and his ex-wife) just can’t get it right. So we move to Plan B - realize that you’ll probably never be friends, that angry ex is not likely to change anytime soon and do the best you can to maintain a relationship with your child, not your ex!  Often times, this requires you to have no or very limited contact with your ex-spouse.  Keep all conversations, preferrably via email, about the child and that’s it. There are even online co-parenting calendars so that you can discuss and plan (if changes should arise) visitation and child support issues online, instead of via phone or in person. If this still doesn’t work and the angry ex still continues to bitch and moan while preventing you from seeing your child, make sure you keep an accurate record of everything that he or she is doing and allow the courts to decide. Most importantly, NEVER engage in any altercations with your ex-spouse. Don’t allow your emotions to guide you and TRY not to take anything personally.

All in all, the best thing you can do when co-parenting with an angry controlling ex-spouse is to plan ahead and take preventive measures to make sure that his or her behavior doesn’t interfere with your relationship with your child. More often than not, you were made aware of your ex-spouse’s behavior prior to the divorce. Please don’t fool yourself into thinking that he or she would never do anything to harm your relationship with your child and prepare as if they would. Accept your reality and don’t try to be friends. Instead treat co-parenting as if it were a business relationship and don’t allow emotions to enter in from the very beginning. This information applies to current spouses as well (meaning, current spouses shouldn’t put all of their energy into befriending their current spouse’s ex, if he or she isn’t interested).

Now I know there will be some who are outraged because you think that little Billy deserves more, and you’re right, he does. But remember, you can’t FORCE someone to act as they should , get along with you or be your friend. All you can do is control your own actions and then try to make the best of a bad situation for your child’s sake.

The Hard Stuff: Don’t Sweat It…Share it!

Everyone has heard that old saying “don’t sweat the small stuff,” but I have never heard a saying that relates to the “hard stuff.”  Blended families often have to deal with not only problems with the ex/current spouse issues  but also with discipline, entangled feelings, children and money.  Finding constructive ways to deal with difficult blended family issues can be challenging.

The above especially holds true in the case of second and ex wives.  Feelings often get easily convoluted.  Most of the time, issues between the new wife and the ex wife are laced with assumptions, unnecessary attitudes and insecurities, most of which make it hard for both sides to come to mutual common grounds and makes the lives of their husbands and children very hard to deal with.

I have even realized in retrospect to some of my past encounters, had I been more practical in my thinking about my ex’s new wife and had I been more gentle in my approach when issues arose, some of her reactions to my actions could have been avoided entirely, which in turn, would have made things easier.  However, hindsight is always 20/20.

If we all take moments to collect our thoughts, sort our feelings and decide to arrive at a different thought process, we won’t be so quick to attack one another.  Share the hard stuff, communicate with your husband’s ex (if the avenue is open), give yourselves the opportunity to a kinder approach and the hard stuff will find a way to work itself out.  It takes work and cooperation but the end result  is so rewarding.  Ms. Thoele’s book (The Courage to be a Stepmom) has taught me so very much about being kinder, more considerate and open to communication. 

As I always  reiterate - - - we have to pick our battles carefully within the blended family.  If we express our feelings without being judgmental, issues that arise won’t be as hard to solve.  Some new wives can be very judgmental toward ex-wives just because  of the preconceived notions that the word “ex” has attached to it.  A lot of ex-wives place unnecessary idiosynchrocies on new wives.  Both can be destructive.  As we have all heard the stories and by my working at a law firm, I have seen it on numerous occasions; divorced parents sometimes allow their feelings to get the best of them and they include the children in their pettiness without sometimes realizing that they are doing so.  Other times, parents understand exactly what they are doing and purposely involve their children to spite the other parent.  My advice is that you cannot control what the other parent says or does when you  are not around.  Support your children as best as you can.  Talk to your children if questions arise relative to what the other parent is talking to them about but always take the high road.  Never back slide to their standard (if that is happening).  Your child will, in the long run, figure it out for themselves. 

In my approach, in our blended family, I try my best to always lead by example.  When situations may arise between my husband’s ex and myself, I try to see the bigger picture and talk out what is bothering me.  It’s not always easy and when it’s not, I try to remember it’s not about me or the ex wife, husband or ex-husband, it’s about our children. 

Don’t get stuck.  Don’t sweat the small stuff and as Ms. Thoele says, do your best to share the “hard stuff” by opening your line of communication.  Parenting and step-parenting is not easy, but if you open your lines of communication, you will find the urge to control will seem distant and your relationships will make enormous strides. 

Peace and Blessings,
Di

“Bestfriends” with your ex-spouse’s new spouse

Research suggests that, in most cases, the children who are the most well-adjusted and emotionally stable in the blended family are a result of the ex-wife and current wife working together to raise the children. The problem is that it doesn’t happen very often, but the question is why? While the issue of competitiveness between women plays a huge factor in the wives not getting along; so do those initial unrealistic expectations. Establishing those obvious expectations in the beginning will give your relationship a chance at surviving and your children a better chance at being well-adapted.

It’s important to realize that just because you may loathe your ex-husband doesn’t mean that you immediately have to share those same feelings for his new wife.  Give her a chance. You might actually have something in common. Don’t hold on to the baggage of your former marriage and take it out on the new wife. It only suggests bitterness and the inability to move past it.

Before I first met my ex’s new wife, I have admitted to having a few reservations about her; mainly because of who she chose to marry and in the short length of time she chose to do it in. Although he started being a better father (it’s all relative) when she came along, I couldn’t figure out why you would want to marry someone who wasn’t already being the best father he could be. However, I never let her see that. I put all those feelings aside and gave her a chance and discovered that we do have a lot in common.

It’s also important to realize that you don’t have to be bestfriends and often times, this is unrealistic anyway. Being bestfriends comes with certain expectations of its’ own and it’s extremely difficult to live up to those expectations when that person is married to your ex or was married to your current spouse. You undoubtedly are going to be placed in numerous situations where your loyalty and friendship will be tested; whether it has to do with a fight that she has with her ex spouse, or the whole your kid vs. my kid thing. And when your “bestfriend” chooses her spouse and her children every single time, one is left feeling deceived and betrayed. Additionally, sometimes even best friends simply grow apart and one decides that she doesn’t want to be best friends anymore. In that situation, you can just both walk away, keeping only your memories that you created together. But in the blended family situation, there’s no just walking away and you’re forced to interact with each other - the same way your friendship began (forced interaction)!

 Although my husband’s ex-wife didn’t like me at all (she had never even met me) when my husband and I first got together; I worked hard to try and build a friendship with her. I called her just to talk; invited her in my home with open arms and always greeted her with big smile and a hug. At first, our relationship was going really good. We communicated really well and liked each other. I would say that we were actually friends. Then, it happened. She and my husband had a fight and I was caught in the middle. She would call me when they had a fight; hoping that I’d be able to get him to see her point. But the problem was not only did I not see her point, but I needed to remain loyal to my husband. When this happened over and over again, it undoubtedly put a strain on our relationship, and we went from being sort of friends to enemies.

I know there are some ex and current wives who claim to be bestfriends, but I just have to question whether or not you truly are. Bestfriends are able to air their grievances and still be bestfriends when it’s all said and done. Bestfriends share a mutual, unconditional and sincere love for each others’ children, including their best interest. Bestfriends can talk about anything and rely on each other for support. I don’t know hardly any ex and second wives who can do the above-mentioned, let alone more. As such, I will have to conclude that you aren’t bestfriends.  You might be friendlier than most ex and second wives, and work better together than they do, but bestfriends is such a strong word.

It’s more realistic and healthy to approach your relationship as one that is built on respect, honesty and common ground (the children).  When you do so, no one will feel betrayed because you’ve established realistic expectations up front. For example, my ex’s current wife and I are friendly and we like each other, but at the end of the day, we don’t take anything personally. I respect the fact that when it’s all said and done, she will always choose and do what’s best for her husband and immediate family and vice versa. Therefore, when issues of child support arise, I know what to expect out of her and she knows what to expect out of me. We don’t take it out on each other because we don’t expect anything more out of each other. The only thing I expect out of her is to treat my son with love and respect. Retaining a relationship built on respect and a mutual desire for it to want to work out for the kids, allows us to work together for their benefit.

All in all, it’s important to realize that you don’t have to be the archrival or the best friend with the new wife. There is a middle ground and often times, that’s the safest position to be in.

My Gay Ex-Husband Part II - an interview with the author

The best part of this blogging experience is that I get to meet and connect with so many fantastic people. From ex-wives and second wives, to ex and second husbands, these people  have something to say and being able to do just that in front of a captive audience is so freeing, empowering and courageous. I have a tremendous amount of respect for these individuals.

I recently had the opportunity to connect with a blogger named Carol Shwanda who told a very compelling story about her gay ex-husband. She candidly revealed the moment her husband told her that he was gay.

So I asked him, “Jared, are you gay?” As if the words were coming from the bowels of his being, for the first time in his life he admitted to someone, me, his wife, that he was gay,” she said.

The fact that she found out her husband was gay wasn’t the most spine tingling for me. It was what she did afterwards that was amazing. She basically held his hand while he went through therapy to confront his issues that he had with being gay. Her ex-husband had planned to kill himself that night and was withering away, due to not eating. She helped nurse his mind and body back to good health; staying true to the vows, for better or worse. Not to mention that after they divorced and her ex-husband remarried, to a gay man of course, she accepted his new lover into their family with open arms. And now she even advocates for gay marriage and the acceptance of homosexuality.

“We as compassionate and reasonable people have to dispel this notion that it is wrong to be gay, that homosexuality is a disease that has to be cured or prevented. It is not. Nor is it a choice. It just is. Accept it,” she said.

Although I was deeply moved by her very apparent act of love and compassion for her ex-husband, I had to wonder whether or not she would have had the same reaction if it was another woman on the end, instead of her ex-husband’s gay lover. I wanted to know if she would have still welcomed a second wife with open arms; not holding her ex-husband’s mistakes against her. So I asked and she opened up in an interview about just that. See it below.

Kela: Would you have had a different reaction if you found out that it was another woman? Your ex-husband didn’t cross the line, but was still torn between his family and her, due to the unexpected development of feelings.

Carol: Yes, I would have. I think in addition to feeling angry, jealous and hurt, I would have also felt inadequate. I would have questioned my ability to make my husband happy just as I did later, post divorce, when I was dating men and the relationships came to a jolting, unexpected halt.

Kela: Was it easier to accept your ex-husband’s new lover because he is of the opposite gender and therefore not a threat?

Carol: Yes and no. I remember the first time I met him and thinking, “You left me for him??” It was unsettling, but somehow I got past it.

Kela: Would you have welcomed a second wife just the same?

Carol: Hard to say, but probably not. The circumstances for the divorce would have been different so I think there definitely would have been some residual bitterness and resentment there.

Kela: How do your girls view their father’s relationship?

Carol: They love their dad the same and they have come to like his partner in the same way they have come to like my new husband. They are very aware, though, that society does not always accept gay people and junior high kids can be particularly cruel, so they are very careful about to whom they confide in about their dad being gay.

Kela: How does your husband feel about it?

Carol: My husband is great. He is not at all threatened by my ex. In fact, they are quite cordial toward one another. My ex comes over every morning to take my girls to school and he often sits at the breakfast table with my husband, chatting and reading the paper.

Kela: Do you have as many problems on that side of your blended family as a more traditional blended family (ex wife vs. second wife)?

Carol: I do have some issues with my ex-husband’s partner in that his partner was (still is) very jealous and threatened by me. He was in a previous relationship with a man who wanted a family who left him for a woman. He is concerned about my ex doing the same thing to him. He also does not have children so he can be selfish and demanding when it comes to the kids’ needs interfering with his. He’s also from a culture where children are seen and not heard.

Kela: Do you get along with your current husband’s ex-wife?

Carol: Yes. Our relationship has evolved over the years from distant, to civil, to amicable and now quite friendly. She and my husband communicate mostly through email, rarely by phone and almost never in person. They are civil toward one another for the sake of the kids. I have been their buffer. Time has softened the resentment they feel toward each other and now that the kids are much better adjusted from their divorce, everything is much easier.

Kela: Would you like to offer any other information that might be helpful to our readers (I’m sure there are others going through similar situations even if they aren’t as open as you are about it)?

Carol: First, don’t blame yourself. Even if you feel like you should have known, don’t kick yourself. Ending a marriage because your spouse comes out of the closet is one instance where you cannot be held at fault. Take whatever comfort you can in that. Secondly, understand that homosexuality is not a disease that needs to be prevented or cured. It will help you let go of something you could not have controlled or changed. Thirdly, unless you feel unsafe due to the bigoted attitudes of those around you, tell people the reason for your split.  Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed and don’t cover up. And finally, even in your darkest moments know that it will get better.  You will recover. The pain will subside, you’ll move on and you will find happiness again. I sure did. And my new husband is so not gay.

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