My wife is challenged by her body image. It is driving me nuts.I am a recovering alcoholic with a few years sober. I have done a lot of work dealing with my issues. So I know solutions are out there for seemingly hopeless states of mind. I am living proof to myself.
My wife is slender. Yet has body image issues. Let me say it a different way…. I am at a loss for how to understand and support her in this problem. I am finding it wearing and frankly, painful.
The constant comparisons and negativity really puts a damper on our relationship. The constant statements of ridiculous, inaccurate ’absolutes’…. such as…
- I cannot get into shape.
- Nothing I do makes a difference.
- I am fat.
- Men have it so easy.
- I should just get liposuction.
My wife works out regularly and is a tall, attractive size 4-6 depending on cut. So none of these statements are accurate. Not even close.
The 12-step program that I live teaches me to surrender. So this situation remains in a surrendered state. I also know that I did not cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it. I am weakening. Frankly, I am tired of hearing the statements that to me, contain a strong thread of self-pity. There are many underlying factors to these statements, but the one I hear the most loudly is self-pity. Many women will kill for a body like my wife’s and here she is wallowing. That’s how it sounds.
My wife has been to a special counselor for eating disorders…. but didn’t continue. She read one book…. said it was good, but does not maintain her recovering thinking and won’t pick up another one.
I have shown her blogs that she can read on a regular basis, but she does not follow through.
In my mind, she would prefer to live in the pain of her misconceptions. Or fear or something else is keeping her there. She does not seem to even want anything different. She reminds me of an alcoholic who would rather live with the pain of his drinking and thinking than even consider that there may be something different.
I do not want to nag her. Nagging never helped me get sober. I have put many things in front of her but she does not seem the have the willingness to pick them up. She seems to prefer to stay stuck then complain about her body to me. Her husband. Who finds her attractive.
This is really tough. Any suggestions?
Thanks.
Divorce and remarriage affects children in a number of different ways. Sadly, experts are confused about exactly how and offer conflicting advice to those in need of help. 
The most important thing a remarried couple can do is intently listen and try to understand their spouse’s perception of reality. Why does your husband seem to jump every time his ex-wife calls, even if it has nothing to do with the child? Why does your wife seem withdrawn and even resentful sometimes when your children come to visit? If you don’t communicate with your spouse, with a true attempt to understand his or her feelings, you could derive the conclusion that your husband is a whimp or your wife is just cruel. This is not the case. Once you begin to be mindful, with every step you take, of your spouse’s perception of reality, you can take steps to correct the negative energy you both are putting into your relationship. Below are some common complaints of remarried couples. Do you recognize any or all of them?
Life revolves around rules in every situation and in every place in time. Within the blended family, families often are faced with issues such as conflict, resentment, hostility and anger from not just the exes involved in our lives, but also from the children of blended families. With all of the negativity, there are also positive ways to deal with these issues including by having flexibility, instilling patience, always loving and sometimes sacrificing. Most importantly, compromising.
The three words “I love you” can be the easiest words to speak for some and the most difficult for others. These words are thrown around so easily at times and not enough in some situations. I’m a “glass is half full” type of person (some may even say unrealistic) so I believe that most things (if not all) can be solved or on the way to being solved with love. With that being said, it’s easier said than done, of course.
Left over conflicts following a divorce often don’t get resolved, and often continue to linger many years after the marriage ends, suggests Aleta Koman, M. Ed, author of 
You may feel overwhelmed and scared of the new life that’s ahead of you. As a result, most of your reactions to your blended family issues are likely emotionally charged. Your life seems out of control and you’re desperate to hang on to that control. In most cases, you may have spent many years with your ex-husband and established a long-term plan for your life that now has to be changed. Worst of all, you have to do it alone. It’s scary, isn’t it?
An emotionally attached ex-spouse will try to guilt you into thinking that you have to or even force you to share everything with her because you share a child, but DON’T FALL INTO THIS TRAP!. Realize that you are not doing an injustice to your child by not allowing your ex-spouse’s emotions to dictate everything you do. Unless there is a SERIOUS issue, such as your child is being mistreated or is very ill…there’s no need for explaining yourself, defending your actions or discussing everything with your EX-spouse. Divorce signifies an end, a separation of two people who now go off to lead separate lives. You’re free to have your own life, feelings, thoughts, theories and ideas WITHOUT consulting or comparing notes with your EX-spouse. She does not get an all access pass into your life just because you share a child.
Research has shown that over the past decade that happy people are more productive, faster learners and definitely more creative. Cultivating optimism within the blended family, especially when there are outstanding, unresolved issues, can be hard. There is hope!! I have been reading a book by author
Adding a baby to a family is always a blessing but a lot of hard work. Adding a baby to a blended family can be a blessing and curse at the same time, AND double the hard work. A new baby in the blended family creates apprehension and worry. As a result, it is imperative to consider the current emotional security of the existing children and the overall foundation of your blended family before deciding to embark upon this journey.
together, but it’s crucial that you don’t forget the children who were there first! The part-time children are going to especially need constant reassurance that they matter and are indeed still a part of your family. They can begin to feel excluded from their biological parent and his family. Keep in mind that these negative feelings don’t just disappear with time and will intensify if ignored. Maintain or strengthen your bond with them individually and as a family by including them in the pregnancy. Allow them to help you choose a name or decorate the nursey. All in all, it’s important NOT to make them [part-timers] feel self-conscious about not belonging to the both of you. Make ALL of your children feel completely a part of the family no matter where they live or who they were born to.
The second part of this question is how to help his daughter feel comfortable around my family. She has very little extended family and I have a very big, very boisterous, very huggy Italian/German family. They immediately welcomed her with open arms (complete with teasing, hugs and ceaseless questions about school) but I can tell she still feels awkward and uncomfortable during get togethers as she feels they’re not her “real” family. I would love nothing more than for her to experience what it’s like to have loving aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins, but I know it can’t be forced. What can I do to help?
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
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