Negative self-image and marriage - reader needs advice

My wife is challenged by her body image. It is driving me nuts.I am a recovering alcoholic with a few years sober.  I have done a lot of work dealing with my issues.  So I know solutions are out there for seemingly hopeless states of  mind.  I am living proof to myself.

My wife is slender.  Yet has body image issues.  Let me say it a different way…. I am at a loss for how to understand and support her in this problem.  I am finding it wearing and frankly, painful.

The constant comparisons and negativity really puts a damper on our relationship.  The constant statements of ridiculous, inaccurate ’absolutes’…. such as…

• I cannot get into shape.
• Nothing I do makes a difference.
• I am fat.
• Men have it so easy.
• I should just get liposuction.

My wife works out regularly and is a tall, attractive size 4-6 depending on cut.  So none of these statements are accurate.  Not even close.

The 12-step program that I live teaches me to surrender.  So this situation remains in a surrendered state.  I also know that I did not cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it.  I am weakening.  Frankly, I am tired of hearing the statements that to me, contain a strong thread of self-pity.  There are many underlying factors to these statements, but the one I hear the most loudly is self-pity.  Many women will kill for a body like my wife’s and here she is wallowing.  That’s how it sounds.

My wife has been to a special counselor for eating disorders…. but didn’t continue.  She read one book…. said it was good, but does not maintain her recovering thinking and won’t pick up another one.

I have shown her blogs that she can read on a regular basis, but she does not follow through.

In my mind, she would prefer to live in the pain of her misconceptions.  Or fear or something else is keeping her there.  She does not seem to even want anything different.  She reminds me of an alcoholic who would rather live with the pain of his drinking and thinking than even consider that there may be something different.

I do not want to nag her.  Nagging never helped me get sober.  I have put many things in front of her but she does not seem the have the willingness to pick them up.  She seems to prefer to stay stuck then complain about her body to me. Her husband.  Who finds her attractive.

This is really tough.  Any suggestions?

Thanks.

Divorce, remarriage and competitive children

Divorce and remarriage affects children in a number of different ways. Sadly, experts are confused about exactly how and offer conflicting advice to those in need of help. 

The answer to this question is not an easy one which is mainly the reason experts are so confused. Many experts give the traditional answer that if your child is disobedient, doing poorly in school, has behavioral problems and/or is anxious and depressed, then you can conclude that the divorce is affecting him. But if he is  not any experiencing any of those issues, then he is not. This is not necessarily the case. It is true that most children will react this way due to the stress of the divorce, but there are some who don’t. Some children will become overly responsible as they try to compensate for the loss of the parent. They feel the need to take care the custodial parent and be overly pleasing to both. Additionally, children whose parents remarry may become extremely competitive as they feel they are in constant competition with either the new spouse, stepsiblings or both. They might take out their aggressiveness and anger through sports. Their grades might actually improve because they want to prove that they are the best so that bio mom and dad will love and acknowledge them again. It’s important to realize that although being involved in sports and wonderful grades certainly aren’t a bad thing; the reason why is important. These kids are working overtime because they don’t feel good about themselves and are therefore trying to prove their worth. As such, if you notice this in your child, constantly reassure him that he is loved and supported to boost his self-esteem. It’s also helpful to reward him for his good grades and cheer him on at his sporting events to give him that recognition and validation that he is seeking.

That being said, when parents do a good job a managing stress and keeping conflict to a minimum, some children are actually pretty resilient when it comes to divorce. These children feel and function pretty much like children whose parents are still married.

As you can see there are a number of different ways that children react to divorce. It’s a stressful ongoing event and time in their lives. Parents, however, can minimize the stress and decrease their chances of developing emotional problems by working together to avoid high conflict situations. Parents must also realize that if you are experiencing a high-conflict, long, drawn out divorce, even if you both remarry, you can GUARANTEE that your children are experiencing stress as a result of it, in some way shape or form.

Blended family stories

Carol Shwanda over at www.shwanda.com is preparing to write a book about blended families and she’d like your input. Below is more information about the upcoming book and how you can help be a part of it. Afterwards, stop by her blog at www.shwanda.com.

I’ve decided to write a book about blended families, and as part of my research I would like to hear from my readers. The tentative title is  Blended Family Stories: An in depth look at the real life struggles, hurdles challenges and joys of successful blended families. It is not an advice book per se, although there will be a lot  of that. It  will be more of a humorous, inspiring real life account of how blended families  have handled the different challenges we face.  I’ll cover all relevant topics like disciplining your step children, combining households and family bonding - to name a few.

What I am looking for are stories readers can identify with and relate to. Many of the books I have read on the subject were either told through an analytical or clinical perspective or with a specific focus, such as what it was it was like for the author to become a step mom.  Being the story teller that I am, I always wanted more. How did you meet your spouse? How did you know he was the one? When moving in together how did you make room for all your stuff? What was the best advice you got? What would you do differently if you had the chance? And if you had to do it all over again, would you? If you would like to answer these questions and more, please take my blended family survey. I assure you your identity and any identifying information will be kept in confidence and changed in the book.

Carol Shwanda chronicles her blended family’s lives and experiences offering hope, guidance, wisdom, inspiration and humor to anyone who is in or about to enter into a blended family. Please visit www.shwanda.com for more information.

Common complaints of remarried couples

The most important thing a remarried couple can do is intently listen and try to understand their spouse’s perception of reality. Why does your husband seem to jump every time his ex-wife calls, even if it has nothing to do with the child? Why does your wife seem withdrawn and even resentful sometimes when your children come to visit? If you don’t communicate with your spouse, with a true attempt to understand his or her feelings, you could derive the conclusion that your husband is a whimp or your wife is just cruel. This is not the case. Once you begin to be mindful, with every step you take, of your spouse’s perception of reality, you can take steps to correct the  negative energy you both are putting into your relationship. Below are some common complaints of remarried couples. Do you recognize any or all of them?

Divorce/Remarried Dad Complaints About His Current Wife

1. She knew I had a child when she married me, so why is she acting this way now?
2. She’s obsessed by everything my ex-wife does.
3. Sometimes it seems as if there is an edge of nastiness in her voice when she talks to my child(ren).
4. Does she realize how painful it is for me to not be there with my child(ren) on a regular basis?
5. How can she expect me to actually discipline them when I see them so little?
6. I’m afraid they won’t want to come back if I start discipling them.
7. She sees things that they do that I never see.
8. Sure my ex-wife has control over me; she controls my children.
9. I know my ex-wife is trying to cause trouble, but she needs to understand that we have to deal with it because she has my children.

Stepmother/Remarried Mom Complaints About Her Husband

1. Everyone in his life, his kids, his job and even his ex-wife comes before me.
2. His ex calls and he jumps.
3. It seems as if his ex-wife has more influence over him than I do.
4. My money goes to support this family and his goes to take care of his ex-wife and his children.
5. His ex-wife is NOT appreciative of everything I do for her children. She still continues to bitch and moan about everything.
6. I never get a thank you. It’s like they (my husband, his ex-wife and their children) think I’m supposed to do everything I do.
7. Guilt runs his relationship with his children.
8. He expects me to be there and handle his children while he’s at the office or working out and then he wants me to go out to dinner with them.
9. It seems as if I’m doing most of the work for their children, but I get the least amount of respect.
10. He seems to think that the only feelings that matter are his, his kids and his ex-wife, but I have children and an ex-spouse too.
11. We have to pay special attention to HIS kids because divorce and remarriage is hard for them. Guess what? MY kids are going through the same thing, so should we allow them all to run wild because of it?
12. He knew I had children when he met me too.
13. My world will not revolve around him, his ex-wife and their children - forget it!
14. I am his wife now. I should come first and I refuse to share this position with his ex-wife!

Remarried couples must learn to view their relationship the same as they do a first marriage if they have any chance of survival. Sure, the situation is different because one or both of you may have children now, but you are husband and wife. You are the pillars that hold your family together. You are committed to protecting your partner and your marriage from meddling ex-spouses. Your ex-spouse’s needs shouldn’t be put above your current spouses’s needs (not wants).

It is important to realize that these complaints are classic in stepfamilies and it is important to realize your spouse’s perception of reality before you can do something to change it. More importantly, it is crucial that you not allow these negative barriers to destroy your relationship. Lastly, seek help from a trained stepfamily therapist to assist you with working through such issues before it’s too late. To schedule an appointment with me, Kela Price, please send an email to kela@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.

Rules for the Blended Family

Life revolves around rules in every situation and in every place in time.   Within the blended family, families often are faced with issues such as conflict, resentment, hostility and anger from not just the exes involved in our lives, but also from the children of blended families.  With all of the negativity, there are also positive ways to deal with these issues including by having flexibility, instilling patience, always loving and sometimes sacrificing.  Most importantly, compromising.

Whatever the scenario is with your blended family, setting out your family “house rules” is one of the most important undertakings that all parents (whether step or biological) can implement with their children.   One of the most important mountains to climb is to make sure that ALL parents are on the same page and encourage the children to be mindful of  the other’s household and the rules held therein.

To begin instituting house rules and when conflicts arise, parents must make their children understand these four words —”In our house we….”  When explaining and setting out rules, if the situation is addressed with those four simple words, there will be less of a chance that the children will become defensive and will be more accepting.  The word “we” is very powerful.  For example, as a step-parent, if I were to approach my step-daughter with “In My House…” or “When you are here…” it would make her feel as if she is only a visitor in our home.  But, if I use the words “our and we” when addressing a situation with her, she will interpret that by including herself as a part of our family and not as an outsider that just visits.

Here are a few more tips on rules that you can use to help your blended family:

1.  Include ALL parents in on discussions with one another about the levels of discipline that will be used in your household.

2.  Do not ever allow your child or your step-child to play one parent against the other.  More than likely, anything you hear from your child or step-child about the other parent is also being said about you in their household.  Children who are having a difficult time with the divorce often do this.  Communicate and try to resolve outstanding issues.

3.  Set aside time for step-children to have alone time with their biological parent. 

4.  Create your own family traditions that include all children of the family.

5.  Never show favortism.  Plain and simple, this hurts.

6.  Create chore lists for all children of the family and make sure everyone is pulling their own weight around the house. 

7.  Set curfews and make sure all abide by same.

8.  Set aside alone time for you and your spouse as well.  This is very important in maintaining balance.

9.  Have a family meeting to discuss the house rules and parents expectations — In the end, children WANT and NEED boundaries and establishing them early on benefits everyone.

10.  If you step-child has younger siblings in their primary household, encouarge them to help their bio parent(s) when they can.  If you have older siblings in your household, teach them to help your younger children or step-children so that the example can be set both ways.  Family means taking care of one another and taking care of one another means helping each other even when we don’t want to or when we are frustrated.

11.  STAY CONSISTENT.  Making children realize how important rules are in your household allows them to learn and prepare for their own future households.  Children live what they LEARN!

In conclusion, being a family means sharing responsibility and part of that responsiblity is learning to abide by the rules, not just in your blended famly households and lives, but in LIFE in general.  Teaching these lessons to our children will be invaluable to them in the future.

Peace and blessings,
Di

Saying “I Love You”

The three words “I love you” can be the easiest words to speak for some and the most difficult for others. These words are thrown around so easily at times and not enough in some situations. I’m a “glass is half full” type of person (some may even say unrealistic) so I believe that most things (if not all) can be solved or on the way to being solved with love. With that being said, it’s easier said than done, of course.

Growing up, my mom and dad, even though they were divorced, never got off the phone with me, or put me to bed, or went to the grocery store without telling me they loved me. In turn I do the exact same (maybe to the point of embarrassment) with my daughters. Actions speak louder than words and I believe that. But there is nothing like hearing someone tell you that they love you and truly mean it. This means that someone is there for you, in some cases will give up their own life for you. They will take care and be there for you no matter what, and always take responsibility when they are wrong. That’s love.

From another perspective, my husband didn’t grow up in a lovey dovey everyone hugging everyone all the time type of home. The words “I love you” weren’t spoken but they were known. He and I talk about this quite often because in the beginning of our relationship I felt that I HAD to hear him tell me he loved me in order to be validated. He did love me and the more I felt I wasn’t hearing it enough, the more frustrated HE became because he was doing the very best he could. We were just raised differently and neither one of us were right or wrong. In his home actions truly speak louder than words; that is what they lived by and I love my mother and father-in-law for that. My sister-in-law sent me a text message today saying “Love is action. It speaks louder than words. A person would know even before you told them.” It really made me think.

My husband and I work because we balance each other. I have learned from him and he from me. I am secure and now know that my need to be “validated” constantly was a false sense of security for myself that I had to grow out of. Looking back there were several times those three little words were spoken to me with meaningless nonsense behind it – but it was said so I thought it was real.

My husband shows me he loves me in many ways that I recognize now that I wasn’t aware of when we were dating. He took his gestures as letting me know he loved me but I just took them as things he was doing. Now I know the love behind them and I appreciate the gestures AND him much much more.

I still tell him “I love you” everyday and every time we get off the phone. He says it back and will sometimes tell me first. This is many years in the making and makes me feel really good when I hear it even though I already know he loves me.

These three words carry over into my friendships as well. I do tell my close girlfriends that I love them because I do. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be a complete person. They have helped me so much in my life, and I want them to know that I truly care and am grateful for them. That’s just me and how I was raised and that’s how I express my feelings. Life is just so short and over the past few weeks the realization that we as humans really are not invincible has truly become clear. So no matter how you do it, let the people you love know it – through your gestures or by simply saying “I love you”.

Legally divorced, but emotionally connected

Put your past behind you

Left over conflicts following a divorce often don’t get resolved, and often continue to linger many years after the marriage ends, suggests Aleta Koman, M. Ed, author of My Ex is Driving Me Crazy. The couples who continue to battle it out in court, for one reason or another, even after such issues have been laid out in a court order, are great examples of former spouses who are legally divorced, but still emotionally connected. These post-divorce issues not only affect the ex-spouse, but the new spouses and children as well.

There are many reasons why former spouses might still be emotionally connected. For some, it’s love. They know that they are divorced and could not make the marriage work, but they still love each other. For others, it’s the fear of moving toward a new life which they are unfamiliar with. For the rest, it’s guilt. Whatever the reason, all of them are excuses for remaining emotionally connected to your ex-spouse. And, if you continue to allow these excuses to guide your decisions, you are headed for years of dealing with an angry ex-spouse who can’t let go. The inability to create clear cut boundaries creates the angry ex-spouse.

After reading many books on creating a healthy stepfamily, dealing with an ex-spouse and co-parenting effectively, I have discovered that all of them must have been written by ex-wives (most are) because they are all centered around the ex-wife’s perspective. According to them, we should consider her feelings and understand that she might be threatened by your [her ex-husband's] new family or by your [the current wife's] presence. Imagine how much healthier your relationships and family would be if you took this into consideration, acknowledged her feelings and then acted accordingly. As such, we have created a blended family culture centered around only ONE perspective, and clearly, it’s not working! This perspective puts too much emphasis on what the ex-husband and his current wife need to be doing to make the ex-wife feel better and not enough focus on the children, and the ex-wife being responsible for her own emotions. As a result, I think it’s time for a different, healthier approach in which every adult is responsible for themselves, including their emotions, and the entire collective focus should be on the children.

To all my angry attached ex-wives

You may feel overwhelmed and scared of the new life that’s ahead of you. As a result, most of your reactions to your blended family issues are likely emotionally charged. Your life seems out of control and you’re desperate to hang on to that control. In most cases, you may have spent many years with your ex-husband and established a long-term plan for your life that  now has to be changed. Worst of all, you have to do it alone. It’s scary, isn’t it?

Once your ex remarries, these feelings will intensify. You may become jealous, angry and resentful, especially if you weren’t the one who initiated the divorce. And even if you were the one who initiated the divorce, you may still feel intense emotions as a result of your past marriage. Why didn’t he treat me like that? Why wasn’t he willing to make it work with me? Why wasn’t he willing to fight for our children, but he’s there for hers or theirs? I want to assure you that all of these feelings are normal. That being said, you cannot allow these emotions to be the driving force in all of your decisions and continue to carry that baggage of your divorce. It’s not healthy for you or the emotional development of your children.

Remember that you are all grown up now and though you may be scared, hurt or angry, you are an adult who must make adult choices for yourself and your children. So, before you react impulsively to any situation concerning your ex-spouse or his new spouse, ask yourself these questions; “Is my reaction based on emotion or intellect? Am I reacting to the reality of the situation or am I living in my past reality?

It’s time to regain your sense of independence. Your ex-spouse and his new spouse are not responsible for you or your emotions. Not matter what they do, they cannot make you feel better. Only YOU can make yourself feel better. This sense of empowerment will allow you to regain control of your own life. It’s so wonderful and empowering to realize that your happiness depends on you. It’s scary to close a chapter of your life, but it’s exciting to realize that you can rebuild it even better than before. Not to mention that it will help your children do the same.

Empower yourself. Regain control, rebuild your life, let go of the past and move on.

To all of my enabling ex-husbands

You are partially responsible for creating the angry monster through your enabling actions. Guilt is your driving force that allows you to be inconsistent, thereby creating an ex-wife who feels a sense of entitlement to your life. The reality is that you are DIVORCED. You must change your perspective by viewing your ex-wife like an acquaintenance rather than someone who you have a permanent connection to. It is not your job to provide her with emotional support, be her shoulder to cry on or make sure she’s happy. That is not your role anymore.

An emotionally attached ex-spouse will try to guilt you into thinking that you have to or even force you to share everything with her because you share a child, but DON’T FALL INTO THIS TRAP!. Realize that you are not doing an injustice to your child by not allowing your ex-spouse’s emotions to dictate everything you do. Unless there is a SERIOUS issue, such as your child is being mistreated or is very ill…there’s no need for explaining yourself, defending your actions or discussing everything with your EX-spouse. Divorce signifies an end, a separation of two people who now go off to lead separate lives. You’re free to have your own life, feelings, thoughts, theories and ideas WITHOUT consulting or comparing notes with your EX-spouse. She does not get an all access pass into your life just because you share a child.

Set boundaries for your ex-wife early on, be consistent and don’t waiver out of guilt. No, you will not waiver from the set visitation agreement because it’s convenient for her, but not convenient for your family. No, she cannot attend any and everything that you and your family plan for your child just because she is his or her mother. You are entitled to your own private festivities and celebrations with your child, without your ex-spouse. You are not harming your child by insisting that you lead separate lives. Your children will only benefit from ceasing the back and forth, thereby confusing them all the more when it comes to the divorce. They need to know that it’s okay to move on and embrace a new family. Don’t allow the fact that your ex-spouse is confused and scared to let go to influence your child’s emotions. Your child needs to observe a healthy perspective and reaction and you can offer that ot him or her.

I encourage all of the ex-husbands out there to evalute the areas in which they are weak when it comes to the ex-wife. Are you reacting out of guilt? Are you setting  clear boundaries? Are you being consistent?

Your ex’s emotional state is not your fault and you are not the cure. Guilt only serves as the fuse for a ticking time bomb that is just waiting to go off.

The beauty of divorce  is that both parties need to realize that they are now FREE! Ex-wives, you are free to be independent, in charge of your own happiness and free to rebuild your life. Ex-husbands, you are free to have your own life as well; one that is independent from your ex-wife. Don’t allow your emotions based on your past to dictate your future decisions. Once you divorce, it’s time to let go; let go of the emotions, change your perspective regarding your ex-spouse and move on. You are no longer each others’ life partners. Yes, you both will always be mom and dad to your child, but you are no longer husband and wife to one another, and those roles must be clearly redefined. The only way you can truly be free of the life you once knew is to not only legally divorce, but emotionally disengage yourself from your ex-spouse, and from that point on, allow your intellect, not your emotions, to dictate your reactions and decisions.

Cultivating Happiness in the Blended Family

Research has shown that over the past decade that happy people are more productive, faster learners and definitely more creative.  Cultivating optimism within the blended family, especially when there are outstanding, unresolved issues, can be hard.  There is hope!!  I have been reading a book by author Sonja Lyubomirsky entitled “The How of Happiness:  A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want (Penguin Press) and also came across an article about her in my favorite magazine, Family Circle. 

In her book and in the article, Ms. Lyubomirsky discusses the fact that many people assume that there is a feel-good gene in our equation and that you either “have it” or “you don’t.”  She says that is actually half-true.  About 50% of a person’s tendency toward bliss is genetic and the other 50% is totally up for grabs.  Roughly, 40% is influenced by attitude and behaviors and the remaining 10% by circumstances.  In these statistics is where I see hope for the blended family.  If 50% is totally up for grabs, and you have more than one willing participant, then there is hope.

The following are some tips from Ms. Lyubomirsky to help cultivate happiness which everyone can apply in their households.  Remember, you cannot expect someone else (ex spouses, new spouses, step-children, etc.) to apply these same behaviors, but you can apply them  yourself and begin to reap the benefits of same:

1.  COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.  Even on days when there aren’t as many as you’d like.  Jot a list and you may be pleasantly surprised to find that there are more great things about your life  than you thought.

2.  LOOK AGAIN.  Most situations have a bright side, somehow.  As in, it stinks that your 9-year-old needed stitches– but weren’t the ER doctors and nurses awesome?

3.  DON’T STEW.  Good rarely comes of dwelling on problems.

4.  NURTURE RELATIONSHIPS.  Strong bonds benefit everyone.

5.  GET LOST.  In a book, a movie, a DIY project.  Getting so involved that you lose track of time gives your brain a chance to recharge.

6.  PURSUE A LONG-NEGLECTED GOAL.  With PASSION!

7.  COPE CALMLY.  Manage stress in healthy ways, like by walking or talking to friends.

8.  FORGIVE.  Work on letting go of anger and resentment toward those who have hurt you.

9.  EMBRACE THE SPIRITUAL.  Get more involved in your place of worship or just in your personal relationship with your creator.

10.  HONOR YOUR BODY.  Exercise, meditate and LAUGH OFTEN.

Every person, whether in a blended family or just on a personal basis can benefit from the above suggestions.  I know I will be working on a few myself.  There are plenty more in Ms. Lyubomirsky’s book. 

As Ms. Lyubomirsky says, the bottom line is how we choose to view the world is key.  Close to half of our happiness quotient lies in the way we think and the way we act.   Modeling these actions in our everyday lives and in our blended family lives is essential for us parents.  I will say it again, children live what they learn and they will take the lessons that we teach them and apply them to their own adult lives.  

In the real world, most blended families have a hard time building themselves back up after loss such as divorce, separation, etc.  Taking the extra time to try to work together to obtain happiness after such loss can be obtained if that goal is understood and has like-minded people working together to achieve the same.  If not all parties are on the same page, it can be extra hard but in my opinion, is still well worth the try. 

Peace and blessings,
Di

Adding a new baby to your blended family

Adding a baby to a family is always a blessing but a lot of hard work. Adding a baby to a blended family can be a blessing and curse at the same time, AND double the hard work. A new baby in the blended family creates apprehension and worry. As a result, it is imperative to consider the current emotional security of the existing children and the overall foundation of your blended family before deciding to embark upon this journey.

Family must first be built on solid ground

It’s important to make sure that your family has established a bond as a newly formed family before deciding to expand it. All existing children need to be well-adjusted to their new family and be settled into their new home and routine before shaking things up with a new baby. Many remarried couples feel as if a baby will bring an already unsettled blended family together, but the worst thing you can do is add this little bundle of joy too prematurely; causing feelings of fear and doubt in existing children to resurface all over again.  This only creates additional stress and even less opportunities to bond with them.

Make your existing children feel secure

Remember that it’s so easy to get lost in the excitement of your first baby together, but it’s crucial that you don’t forget the children who were there first! The part-time children are going to especially need constant reassurance that they matter and are indeed still a part of your family. They can begin to feel excluded from their biological parent and his family. Keep in mind that these negative feelings don’t just disappear with time and will intensify if ignored. Maintain or strengthen your bond with them individually and as a family by including them in the pregnancy. Allow them to help you choose a name or decorate the nursey. All in all, it’s important NOT to make them [part-timers] feel self-conscious about not belonging to the both of you. Make ALL of your children feel completely a part of the family no matter where they live or who they were born to.

Older children aren’t babysitters or “friends”

Please remember that older part-time siblings are not unpaid babysitters, nor are they to be used solely for keeping their younger sibling out of your hair. Part-timers shouldn’t be treated as “friends” that you invite over for a play date with your biological children. It’s essential that you keep in mind that they are a part of your family and that your home is their home. Children detest feeling like guests in their biological parent’s home. As such make sure that you maintain a place for them when the new baby arrives.

Overall, there are several factors to consider when deciding to or preparing for a new baby in the blended family. The most important is to consider the needs of ALL involved children and don’t exclude any children, no matter where their full-time residence is. If this situation isn’t handled properly, it could delay the bonding and strengthening of a blended family in its infatile stages; or put an already settled blended family back at square one.

My 19 year old stepdaughter is spending the summer with us…

Hi Readers,

With the permission of the reader,I wanted to post a question that I received from her about how to approach her older stepdaughter. It is a common question in stepfamilies with older stepchildren. What is my role as a stepmother to a stepdaughter who is not that much younger than me?  Please see her question and my response below.

Reader:

Dear Kela,

Ok, this is a two-parter! I just got married and my husband has a daughter who is 19 (he had her very young). I’m not too much older than she is, and while she lives with friends and not with us, she will be staying with us for the summer. We get along, but I’m worried about the dynamic in the household and how everything will work (specifically my role in her life, what my responsibilities to her are, how I should act, etc). It’s especially stressful because, as I’ve said, I’m freshly married and I’m concerned about trying to work out the kinks of my husband and I getting used to living with each other PLUS the kinks of having his daughter in the house. Any advice on how to make this whole experience go smoothly would be much appreciated.

The second part of this question is how to help his daughter feel comfortable around my family. She has very little extended family and I have a very big, very boisterous, very huggy Italian/German family. They immediately welcomed her with open arms (complete with teasing, hugs and ceaseless questions about school) but I can tell she still feels awkward and uncomfortable during get togethers as she feels they’re not her “real” family. I would love nothing more than for her to experience what it’s like to have loving aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins, but I know it can’t be forced.  What can I do to help?

Thanks very much in advance for your advice.

Kela:

First off, I want to say that you’ve won half of the battle. Older children are the most judgmental and the hardest on step-parents, so the fact that your step-daughter doesn’t hate you is a good thing!

Part One

It’s quite different being a stepmother to a young adult rather than a young child. As such, you must enter into the stepfamily with a different mindset. Younger children [usually] will eventually accept you as another mother, but older children will eventually accept you as a close friend, especially when you are close in age. In either case, you should never come on too strong or try to force a relationship between the two of you. Relationships simply don’t happen that way; they take time, patience and yes, effort, but never force. My advice would be to approach your step-daugther just as you have been. Do your best to make her feel at home. Stock the fridge with her favorite foods, the pantry with her favorite snacks, the bathroom with her favorite shampoo or lotion…thereby subtly showing her that you want her there, you want her to feel comfortable and that it is just as much her home as it is yours. Children, whether adult or not, DO NOT WANT TO FEEL LIKE GUESTS IN THEIR BIOLOGICAL PARENT’S HOME! The way to ensure that she doesn’t feel that way is to make sure there is a little piece of her there when she comes. Make sure there are pictures up of her, especially if you have ones of all of you together.

Part Two

I think it’s fabulous that your family has welcomed your step-daughter with open arms! What I will tell you is that no matter what you or your family does, there is going to be a certain level of discomfort. Why? Because they aren’t her “real” family just yet and she needs to get to know them and eventually trust them before she will feel like you guys are her “real” family. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you. It just means that she doesn’t know you and it’s perfectly natural for her to feel this way. Not to mention that it sounds like she isn’t used to having a big family. Give her some time to get used to it and she’ll come around. In the mean time, just continue to show her love and support and earn her trust. Take the steps to make her feel like she’s a part of your extended family even though she may not feel that way just yet. Whatever you do, don’t take her reaction to you guys too personally. Remember, that it’s going to take time to gel as a family.

I hope I’ve helped in some way. I have a good feeling that it’s all going to work out for you!

Warmly,

Kela

Reader:

Thank you so, so much for all your advice. I really appreciate it! You guys have been a great help and I’m going to keep reading the site for more awesome insight.

All the best,

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