Forming healthy bonds through healthy step-parenting

I am a step-mom.  I love being a step-mom.  I remember growing up with a young girl who lived with her father and her step-mom and one year for mother’s day (there was no day for step-moms back then like we have now) she gave her mom a plaque that she found at the store that read:

“People say one person can’t make a difference in the world… but I know that isn’t true, because I’ve seen the difference you make in the lives of those around you.”

All throughout history, step-parents in blended families, whether it be in childhood story-lines or in real life, have gotten a bad rap.  A lot of the times, we can’t seem to shake the old stereotypes.  With that being said, in the 21st century, step-parenting has become almost the “norm” in modern times, with at least one-third of all children in the United States being a part of a blended-family before they reach the age of 18.   Is it still hard?  Absolutely!  But, if we weigh the pros against the cons, step-parenting, though it can be hard, can also be one of the most rewarding experiences you will ever have.   Often times, blended families aren’t able to work out their issues out of mutual respect and with plenty of love.  There are many families that can’t seem to find that place of peace within their units.

Adults frequently go into our new blended families with high expectations, happy to be newly married and giddy with joy.  However, we tend to forget that children do not always see things the way we do.  Often times, they don’t feel as if their opinion mattered in the situation and they are full of anxiety about what this means to their current bonding/relationship with their natural parents. 

Here are a few tips that I found helpful to me:

1.  Be realistic and patient about your expectations:  Love, caring and respect doesn’t form overnight.  Good relationships and trust take time to build.

2.  Never speak badly about your spouse’s ex wife or husband.  This only creates anxiety for the children and makes them feel like they have to take sides.

3.  Show your bio children and your step-children that you support them in every way. 

4.  Openly communicate with them.  It is your job!  Children need security and by talking and communicating with them, you are teaching them that they can count on you, and in other words, they are safe with you.

5.  Think about the needs of all the children involved. Transition is a huge part of creating a healthy bond.  Children want to be valued and emotionally connected and understood.  Take the time to get to know your step-children and their thoughts and their perspectives. 

6.  Praise and encourage them.  I remember once during a parent/teacher conference I heard a teacher telling the parents that their child yearned for praise.  After every problem she worked on during class work time, she would bring it up to the teachers desk and ask for her approval.  Children want to be praised and encouraged.  

7.  Make sure that everyone abides by the house rules and make sure that everyone is clear that you will enforce them.   Children need boundaries and rules.

8.  Keep ALL parents involved and let the children know that you would never try to “replace” their biological parent. Continue to emphasize that you are another person that loves and supports them and that there is room for you in their heart as well. 

All of the above can help you in building a healthy bond with not only your children, but your step-children as well.  Let’s kick the old stereotypes to the curb about step-parents!!!  I hope these little tid-bits will help!!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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