Blended family or stepfamily?

There have been debates surrounding whether or not to refer to the bi-nuclear family dynamic as a blended or a step family. Most experts say that families rarely blend and therefore prefer to call it a stepfamily, and I partly agree. Rarely do families operate similarly to the Brady Bunch in which Mike and Carol Brady seamlessly blended his 3 children, her 3 children, a dog and a maid. To top it off, they experienced little to no financial strain, solved all family disputes in less than 30 minutes and both ex-spouses were dead. I’m sure we all know by now that this only happens on TV!

Although families rarely make as smooth transition as the Bradys, it is possible to successfully blend a family. It depends on when you start and how you go about doing so. Let me explain what I mean by this. The younger the children, the easier it is to blend a family. Younger children are often more accepting of a new mate than older children. As a matter of fact, experts suggest that older children are seasoned veterans at dividing and conquering and often succeed at splitting up the remarriage. Experts go on to suggest that even attempting to “blend” a family with older children should be avoided at all cost.

Letty Cottin Pogrebin, in her book Family Politics: Love and Power on a Intimate Frontier, has this to say about older children in stepfamilies: “Beyond the complex interactions is one stunning surpise: the stepfamily configuration seems to increase the power of the child. That is to say, compared with other parents, remarried parents seem more desirous of their children’s approval, more alert to the children’s emotional state and more sensitive in their parent-child relations. Perhaps this is the result of heightened empathy for the children’s suffering, perhaps it is a guilt reaction; in either case, it gives children a potent weapon- the power to disrupt the new household and come between the parent and the new spouse.

This shift in power combined with permissive parenting and intrusive ex-spouses is a recipe for disaster, not a successful blend. So in this case, I agree; this type of family rarely blends. However, remarried couples have a chance to make a successful go at it if the children are younger (even if the ex is intrusive) and they focus on putting the right mix in the blender.

Many remarried couples focus on blending the ex-spouses together with the new spouses, but they rarely, if at all, focus on each other. They make it their life long goal to make sure not only that everyone is on the same page (which is good, co-parents need to be on the same page), but to make sure that they all become best friends in the process. They spend more time trying to get the ex-spouse (who is often times the ex-wife) to understand and accept their new union that their primary household falls a part before they even know what hit them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve spoken to clients and friends of remarried households who spend the majority of time talking about how an ex-spouse doesn’t like them, their new spouse or the fact that they are remarried. When they do mention problems with their household, such as, my husband and daughter always seem to butt heads, I ask this question: “Did you implement the set of house rules I suggested?” “Ummmm…I forgot about those,” they reply. It’s a perfect example of remarried couples spending most of their time either fighting with the ex-spouse or trying to get her to accept the new union and not enough time on their immediate family. Who cares if his ex-spouse doesn’t like you. You probably don’t like her either. Don’t spend all of your time on this issue.

It is true that remarried couples need to let go of the myth of blending the entire family together. Research indicates that children thrive in happy marriages, whether first or second, and when the co-parents (step parents and bio parents) are consistent. All involved parents don’t have to be best friends in order for children of divorce to thrive. They just need to be civil and keep conflict away from the children. Think of it as working on an important business project; you don’t always love the person that you’re working with, but you work together to get the project done. Co-parents should adopt the same business model instead of forcing the issue of being “friends.”  If you couldn’t do this [be friends] when you were married, what makes you think that it gets better when you divorce and add two new parents? It’s unrealistic, unfair and recipe for failure.  Additionally, co-parents, meaning ex-spouses, must realize that you may never like each other or even stomach being in the same room together, but you can’t make it your mission to achieve this goal and neglect your marriage. Your first priority is your marriage. It doesn’t make any sense to work so hard to get your ex-wife to understand you, if your wife is feeling misunderstood.

Focusing on the members of your immediate household, including stepchildren, is a better recipe for success. First, work on your marriage, instead of spending too much time on your past marriage and ex-spouse. Make sure you communicate well, understand and support each other, are on the same page regarding discipline and dedicate time to reminding each other of why you fell in love in the first place. Spend time making sure your children understand that although they don’t have to like the new spouse, they have to respect him or her. Make sure all children know and understand the rules and consequences of the house as well as understand that both parents can enforce such rules. Carve out a little time to encourage the children to get to know each other better, if you both come into the marriage with children. All of these things and more, are the issues that should be put in the blender and grinded up to create a successful blend. If remarried couples would spend time in the right areas, then more families would blend. After all, it doesn’t matter how well you and the ex-spouse get along if your children are forced to go through a second divorce.

Love who you are and EMPOWER your self-esteem

“Change is the Law of Life.  Those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.

John F. Kennedy

Definition of Self:  Yourself.

Definition of Esteem:  A fancy word for thinking that someone or something is important.

Self-esteem is a basic human need.  It is an essential contribution to the life process.  So, let’s face it, change, even within ourselves is hard, especially when our self-esteem is damaged.  Self-esteem is a topic being discussed on almost every self-help website, on numerous talk shows and in discussion forums of the like and is a subject of importance.  Most issues that damage a person’s self-esteem are due to their personal life experiences and actually can fluctuate on a daily basis.  Some examples may include how a husband or boyfriend may treat you, down to how your employer or friend may treat you.  Even within the blended family, having a bout of “hard times” can have a huge impact on your self-esteem.

Research has shown that low self-esteem is one of the main contributing factors in depression in young teens, girls and boys alike.  99% of the time, our childhood experiences shape our self-esteem.  In children, the experience of divorce can play a major role in low self-esteem.  Another factor in good or low self-esteem in children is how they are treated by their teachers, coaches, parents and peers.   Everyone knows someone that has had a teacher or coach or member of their immediate family say something to them that has always stuck with them; not knowing that one statement can affect their self-worth for the rest of their lives.

Self-esteem is not just a concept of our personality but an essential main ingredient to our own self-worth.  In order for it to grow and flourish, we have to have balance in our lives.   Part of maintaining that balance is change.  Whether that means changing our daily routines or changing the way we think altogether.  Having a healthy life and self-esteem is based on our ability to accurately know ourselves.   Part of knowing ourselves is also being able to accept who we are and to value ourselves regardless of our flaws.   Accepting who we are and changing that way of thinking in turn allows a person to value their worth without conditions or reservations.

Changing the way you think will challenge the negative messages that those with low self-esteem deal with.  Here are some suggestions:

1.  Be reassuring with yourself (i.e., instead of criticizing your project say “I’m proud of myself for working that hard and I really like it”) or (instead of being sore about a bad grade on a test, think “Ok, I didn’t do well this time, but I will study harder next time to make a better grade.”)

2.  Be objective!

3.  Challenge unrealistic situations.  Don’t assume.

4.  Practice Self-Nurturing

(a)  Get enough sleep
(b)  Exercise
(c)  Eat healthy

5.  Remind yourself of  your strengths and do not focus so much on your weaknesses.

6.  Forgive yourself.

7.  Ask your husband, wife or friend to remind you that they love you.

8.  Ask for lots of hugs.

9.  Believe in yourself.

“Believe it until you can achieve it!”   You deserve the best, treat yourself that way and you will believe in yourself.

Life happens around us so fast that we forget to nurture ourselves.  It’s almost as if we live transparent lives.  Don’t forget to take time to live, build and change because after all, as President Kennedy so eloquently stated, Change is the Law of Life.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

BFSO talks with Dr. Wednesday Martin, author of “Stepmonster”

BFSO recently had the opportunity to interview Dr. Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Act and Feel the Way They Do. Wednesday’s insight to stepmothering is literally like a great massage because it’s as if she’s massaging the tension right out of your shoulders when she suggests that it’s completely okay to put your marriage first. She says that stepmothers don’t have to bear all the responsibility for “fixing” something that we didn’t break in the first place. Additionally, she suggests that we drop the term current, second and new wife and adopt our rightful title of WIFE. I learned so much from Dr. Wednesday Martin and I’m so excited to share her insight with you! Check out the interview below.

BFSO: I LOVE the fact that you suggest that it’s okay to consider the stepmother and her feelings as experts explore the ups and downs of the stepfamily. Often times they only want to explore how the kids feel, how the husband feels or even how the ex-wife feels. In my opinion, it’s no surprise that stepmothers feel resentful and monsterish at times.  Why did you write this book?

Dr. Martin: I had a hard time adjusting to being in a relationship with a man with children–in spite of seeking out therapy, articles and books. Many of the books in particular disappointed me. They seemed unrealistic and they weren’t about MY reality at all. I found myself desperately seeking a book that looked at women with stepkids as people, rather than reducing us to the role of replacement parent or spouse supporter. I also wanted a book that told it like it IS, rather than lecturing to me about how I SHOULD act and feel and be. So often I would be searching for a book for women with stepkids, find one, and read it, only to discover that it was almost entirely about the stepkids and their feelings. That’s an important thing to understand, of course, but stepmothers need to see their own points of view validated, particularly since most experts agree that stepmothers have the toughest adjustment process of anyone in the stepfamily. Too often, focusing on how it is for the kids has become an exclusive focus, and has precluded our asking how it is for the stepmother. Finally, I didn’t want a bunch of reductive “recipes for success” or cookie-cutter “solutions.” I wanted a deep, comprehensive consideration of stepmothering–across cultures, across the ages, in literature, and so on. Stepmothering was such a rich, fascinating topic, and I wanted to do justice to not just the emotional aspects, but also the historical, literary, economic, legal, and social ones.

 BFSO: Why do you think society thinks it is SO wrong for a stepmother to want her feelings, needs and even wants considered in the stepfamily? Isn’t this encouraging women to put themselves last - as we often do? 

Dr. Martin: I think you’re right that part of the problem here is that we don’t want women to buck the tradition of always putting others first, of being self-abnegating, even. That would be profoundly threatening to the order of things, for lack of a better way of putting it. More specifically, our society is incredibly hypocritical about women with stepkids, for so many reasons that it took me three years of research and over 300 pages to lay it all out! But basically there is this double standard by which we suspect stepmothers of being wicked and selfish, yet expect them to be utterly selfless and loving to kids who are not their own, kids who are often hostile and rejecting for many years in spite of a stepmother’s best efforts and intentions. Owing to what we might call our cultural script, there are currently two ways we think of women with stepkids: they’re either selfish stepmothers or selfless stepmartyrs. Quite a limited menu! Recently it has occurred to me that one of the reasons people are so offended by the mere idea of anyone taking a serious look at stepmother reality, or by stepmothers asserting their basic right to be heard and considered, is that stepfamilies and especially stepmothers are presumed guilty. A lot of people presume that a stepmother is a homewrecker, in spite of the fact that, statistically, most of us are not. Starting from that presumption (”She ruined a marriage and a family”) people feel it’s unseemly for that woman to “complain” after “what she did.” Hence the angry backlash–and the insistence that she put someone else’s kids first.

  BFSO: Do you think history plays a vital role in the stepmonster being the uniquely female hybrid? How so?

Dr. Martin: Yes I do. There’s just no getting around the fact that our suspicion and dislike of women with stepchildren has a long tradition. It goes back to ancient Greece and Rome, at least. In ancient Rome, for example, lawmakers introduced legislation to prevent men who remarried from assuming political office. The thinking was that anyone who would do something so terrible to his children could not be trusted to make good decisions for his country. And don’t forget about the Euripedes character, Phaedra, who wanted to seduce her stepson. Part of the reason we have a hard time shaking our dislike and distrust of stepmothers is it’s so deeply ingrained–in the case of ancient Greece and Rome, for example, it’s woven into the origins of our western cultural tradition! Evolutionary psychologists Margo Wilson and Martin Daly theorize that we have to take motivation into account when we consider animosity toward stepmothers. Who benefits from it? For example, why are so many villains in the Brothers Grimm stories stepmothers when in the original oral tradition, they were murderous mothers? Daly and Wilson think it has to do with the social purposes of the storytellers, who were overwhelmingly likely to be women telling tales to their own children. They would have been aware of the likelihood of dying in childbirth or just plain dying at a relatively early age–it was common in that period, and the widowed husbands virtually always remarried– leaving their little listeners behind. So, the thinking goes, they crafted stories the moral of which was, “If I were to die and your father were to remarry, that would be a terrible thing for you.” This may explain why there are more stories of evil stepmothers than evil stepfathers. But the long and short of it is, we need to go beyond psychology alone to understand the root or roots of our distrust of stepmothers. Only by marshaling a number of other perspectives as well–sociobiology, literary theory, sociology, legal theory, and economics, for example–will we be able to crack that nut.

 BFSO: In your book you discuss the risk factors one might find in having a relationship with a partner that has a child.  In fact, you mention there that experts recommend delaying marriage to a partner whose child is between the ages of ten and sixteen.  Why do you think this plays a role in the the success or failure of a marriage? 

Dr. Martin: There’s a compelling body of research demonstrating that pre-adolescent and adolescent stepchildren not only initiate the majority of conflicts in stepfamilies, but that they also tend to polarize the couple over parenting. Basically they try and often succeed at “splitting the team” because, in a remarriage with children, the kids tend to have tremendous power. There is likely to be a history of permissive parenting post-divorce, making stepmom seem draconian and unreasonable in contrast to mom and dad. Plus the household is likely to be characterized by what experts call a percolator effect–with the mood of the household and the power emanating up from the kids, rather than “dripolating” down from the parents as it does in a healthy first family. These are common dynamics in stepfamilies. So is the fact that, as stepfamily researchers Marilyn Ihinger-Tallman and Kay Pasley have noted, “children in a remarriage with children have tremendous power to break up the marriage.” They can bring unkind sentiments from the other household into dad and stepmom’s home, “spy,” and otherwise create friction between households and between dad and stepmom (Let me be clear that I’m not demonizing the kids here–just pointing out the aspects of stepmother reality that are out there in the research and that we don’t often consider. Kids are actors, not just acted upon, in a remarriage with children). Now factor in a pre or adolescent stepchilld, whose developmental imperative is to individuate and reject the grownups, right at the moment that the woman with stepkids is feeling enormous pressure from her husband and society at large to ‘blend everyone together.” What you have is a recipe for tremendous stress on the couple! But it’s not impossible to overcome–I’m living proof of that. And I don’t think couples should necessary delay marriage until the kids are 16. That just wouldn’t work for a lot of us. We partner and then find–and fight–our way through it!

BFSO: You alluded to the fact of having problems with your husband’s ex-wife as well. Why do you think the ex and current wife seem to automatically start off on the wrong foot?

Dr. Martin: I prefer the term “wife” to “current wife” or “new wife.” It’s more accurate, and less loaded, I think. There’s a wife and an ex-wife (or a partner and an ex-partner). Period.  And in spite of all the recent hoopla in the popular culture–Ashton and Demi and Bruce and Bruce’s wife being chummy and together all the time, for example, and exes in highly cooperative and friendly relationships in the news, doing birthday parties and Christmas together and even doing rotating custody in the same house for the kids’ sake –what we know from the research (Hetherington again) is that less than a quarter of all divorced couples are able to do highly cooperative or even cooperative co-parenting. Most of them do parallel parenting, where they basically ignore each other as much as possible, or are in conflictual or even high-conflict situations with their exes. That’s because they don’t get along. And not getting along is the reason they got divorced in the first place. Regardless of who initiated the divorce (it’s usually the woman), the relationship between exes is not going to imp rove when someone remarries or repartners, that’s for sure! Add to this the fact that ex-wives are more involved and intrusive in their exes’ households than ex-husbands are; the fact that ex-wives experience more anger and resentment after a divorce than their ex-husband’s do and experience it for a longer period of time (Hetherington again); plus the fact that ex-husbands in many cases nurture fantasies of smooth sailing with their ex-wives and often do things to appease them such as helping out with household chores and home repairs, and having holidays there, long after the divorce and in some cases long after the remarriage, and you see not only why the ex and the wife start out on bad footing, but then tend to remain there. I think the recent cultural expectation that wives “should” reach out to ex-wives is unrealistic and unfair. Women married to men with kids don’t need one more responsibility dumped on them, and I invite them to decline the pressure to be chummy with the ex without any guilt if they want to. Civility is often an ambitious enough goal. Put your own adjustment and self-care first, rather than siphoning energy away from that to “fix” something that you didn’t break yourself.

 BFSO: What is the most valuable piece of advice you could give to all stepmothers or about-to-be stepmothers out there? 

Dr. Martin: Put your own happiness, your own mental health and your marriage or partnership first. Without guilt. If you’re miserable, and in the first years, according to James Bray and Patricia Papernow, you very likely will be, your marriage and the whole stepfamily system fall apart. Also, do yourself a favor and let go of the myth of the “blended” family. Stepfamilies very rarely “blend”–even the successful ones have lower levels of cohesion and closeness, but that comes along with higher levels of flexibility, tolerance, and respectful behaviors. Buying into the belief that you have to look, feel, and act just like a first family in order to be a successful family is hooey. It’s also a sure-fire way to stress out the couple. Finally, let go of the myth of the maternal stepmom. You don’t have to love them just like they’re your own and the overwhelming likelihood is that you will not. Just like our stepkids have a deep preference for their own kin (per studies by dozens of human behavioral ecologists that I discuss in my book), we love our own kids best. You don’t have to have maternal feelings for your stepkids for it to be a nice relationship. You’re not a bad woman, a bad person, or even a bad stepmother if you don’t love or even like your stepkids. You can even be very detached and still have a happy marriage/partnership and a relationship with his kids that works. “Good enough” is good enough!

BFSO: The stepmother is literally the most devalued member of the stepfamily. We encourage bio moms to take some “me” time, get away from the kids, consider your needs first sometimes…Yet when a stepmom is asking for the exact same thing, she’s a monster. What can we do to change the perception of stepmotherhood?

Dr. Martin: Lots of people call for more positive media images of stepmothers. But I don’t think that’s going to happen soon, because stepmothers are deliciously compelling and terrifying villains! What we really need, in my view, is lots more research, first of all. Studies of stepfather families outnumber studies of stepmother families by two to one! The less we find out about stepmothers, the less we know about them and the more we fill in the gaps with judgments and absurd expectations about how women with stepchildren “should” feel and act and be and what they “ought to” be able to accomplish. In my view, no one in this country should be able to practice family therapy without undertaking training and certification by a body such as the National Stepfamily Resource Center (that’s just one example). Getting bad advice from therapists who are unfamiliar with very real differences between first and subsequent families, and between first marriages and remarriages with children, is a very common problem, if my research and that of stepfamily experts including Coleman and Ganong, Elizabeth Church, and Linda Nielsen are any indication. With better research and more educated therapists, we can craft messages to educate the public and we can also offer true support–versus a lot of bias and “shoulds”–to women who marry men with children.

About Wednesday Martin

Wednesday Martin has worked as a writer and social researcher in New York City for almost two decades. She was a regular contributor to New York Post’s parenting and lifestyle pages for several years, and her work has appeared in a number of national magazines including Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and Fitness. Wednesday was also features editor at Woman’s World. She earned her doctrate in comparative literature from yale and taught cultural studies and literature at Yale, The New School and Baruch College. Martin, a stepmother for nine years, lives in New York City with her husband and their two sons. To learn more about Dr. Wednesday Martin and her new book, Stepmonster, please visit www.wednesdaymartin.com.

Blended Family Soap Opera statement to our readers

The Founder (Kela Price) and writers (Diane Greene and Julia Rutland) of Blended Family Soap Opera, are very strong, moral, ethical, women. We love our families, our husbands, and our friends with all of our hearts. We also love the world we live in and the one we are trying to make for our children.

We believe that the moral fiber of our society is still good and there is still good in the world. That which is not we are on a mission to change. Each of us has a unique story to tell and that is what makes Blended Family Soap Opera so successful. Our backgrounds, our current family situations, as well as our own individual businesses make us who we are as people.

Everyone has an opinion and we respect that. We each have our own opinions, experiences and feelings as well. We just happen to have a very public platform in which to express them.  We wanted to create a safe haven for people to share their inner most feelings regarding both the joys AND frustrations of their respective blended family life, including ours. Not everyone is going to agree with us, nor us with them. That is the beauty of the world. No one is the same or has walked in anyone else’s proverbial shoes in an exact same way. All we want to do is help the blended family to try and work better in our society and make the whole matter of divorce and remarriage easier on the ones who matter the most - our children. No one is out to be malicious or hurtful, but everyone is entitled to feel the way they feel! We are mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, step-mothers who love our families and want to help others - period. A part of helping people is allowing them to express the joy, sadness, anger, resentment and any other emotion that they may be feeling about their blended family - without judgement!

As stated in a prior post, we do not have all the answers. We are learning everyday as everyone else in the world is. Yes, we are all certified coaches/counselors to help the blended family. Yes, we have taken classes and learned from a world renowned professor - it still doesn’t make us experts - it does make us educated and informed to better serve blended families. In the end, all we are is human. I hope our readers can respect that and want to hear more from our experiences and our clients.

We thank you for your continued loyalty and your quest to make your family the best it can be!

Sincerely,

Kela Price, Diane Greene, and Julia Rutand

This post was written by BFSO writer/coach, Julia Rutland and reflects the thoughts of the entire BFSO staff. We respect the thoughts, opinions and feelings of each and every one of our readers and we want BFSO to be a safe place for free respectful expression without judgement.

Release your inner Spicy Wifey - www.spicywifey.com!

Hi BFSO Wifeys! I wanted to introduce you all to a fabulous new company that is specifically designed to help you either spruce up your spice or get your spice back altogether - Spicy Wifey!

Spicy Wifey is an Atlanta-based company designed to inspire and encourage married women and single women aspiring to be married to add “spice & flavor” to their marriage. Their purpose is to revitalize the role of the wife, create more positive perceptions of married life, and improve the quality of marriage for women and men. Through their products, services, and forums for exchanging and obtaining information, Spicy Wifey strives to bridge the gap between the roles of traditional and modern wives, empowering women to invigorate themselves and their relationships.

In a society where our divorce rate is soaring and every 2 out of 3 remarriages fail, how refreshing is it for a company to cater to and emphasize the importance of married life? I encourage you all to find your inner spice by visiting Spicy Wifey to shop for their FABULOUS products. From break away thongs and spicy cookbooks, to their fashionable signature t-shirts and cotton nighties; Spicy Wifey offers products and services designed to make and keep your marriages hot and spicy!

So, take time to focus on your marriage by spicing it up with some hot and Spicy Wifey products. Visit their online boutique at  www.spicywifey.com to shop NOW!  You can also visit their blog for more tips and information on how to reinvent your love life at www.spicywifey.blogspot.com.

Counselors are human, not God

For some reason people seem to put impossibly high expectations on counselors. We are not supposed to get angry or upset. We must pretend like we have it together all the time, and we must have ALL the answers to ANY and EVERY problem you present to us - WRONG! Counselors are human, not God. Although I techinically have the title of Certified Stepfamily Counselor, I don’t even like to use the word counselor. That title or word is attached to some sort of unattainable perfection that leaves people feeling as if we think we’re better than we are and WE ARE NOT. We are people who feel a wide range of emotions just like everyone else. When we feel attacked, we feel the urge to attack back AND sometimes we do. We get mad, sad, angry and happy, and sometimes we have to let it all out. As a matter of fact, I recommend it; it’s therapeutic to vent from time to time.

Many people who are living in blended families definitely need an outlet to get things off their chests. Internalizing these feelings can often times make things worse. I suggest to readers and clients to purchase a journal, start a blog or tell a friend (who will not judge you) what you are feeling about your frustrations regarding your blended family life. You don’t have to tell that person you’re in conflict with directly. Doing the above-mentioned is therapeutic enough; trust me. Another great option is visiting The Stepfamily Letter Project, a site designed to allow blended families to write anonymous letters to a member of their family. Stepmoms, stepdads, stepkids, husbands, bio-moms, half-siblings -  can write letters to the people in their families - be it heartful and joyful to angry or sad. The authors of each letter is kept secret and it’s up to you to decide whether or not you’ll share them with your family. It’s a brilliant idea as we ALL need that outlet from time to time; even counselors!!

Because of this unattainble idea of perfection that many people attach to counselors, some people feel as if they shouldn’t go to a counselor who isn’t perfect. I disagree. I’d prefer to speak with someone who can relate to what I am going through and therefore will not judge me.

Anytime I get an email from a reader or a potential client, the first thing I almost always hear is, “I was really hesitant about contacting you because I don’t want to be judged.” To which I reply, “Have you read my blog? You will experience no judgement days with me.” When they ask me if I have ever felt like throwing the ex-wife, second wife, my ex…in front of a freight train, I reply with, “Of course, sometimes I still do!” After they are done talking to me they almost always comment on the fact that I am relatable and honest about my own feelings. I don’t judge because I’ve been where they’re at and still feel the same things (from time to time) that they may be feeling. They appreciate the fact that I am human and beg them not to apologize for what they are feeling as we are all entitled to feel the way we feel. IT IS COMPLETELY NATURAL! It makes them feel less threatned and intimidated by this ridiculous idea of perfection. None of us are perfect and counselors aren’t here to act like we are, while judging you. We are here to lend an ear and offer advice and support based on our experiences and/or academic knowledge. We know that life isn’t about perfection or not having conflict. It’s about how you work through and manage your conflict and how you accept life’s many imperfections along the way.

Again, I don’t like to use the word counselor. I’d much rather be viewed as a friend who’s willing to be an open book regarding her journey so that you can learn, whether it’s what to do or what not to do, while on your journey.

Grace and Peace,

*Kela*

Grandparents: Life long bonds and great examples

On August 4, 1900, my great-grandmother, Callie Curts, was born in Oklahoma.  I called her Nana.  Today, she would be celebrating her 109th birthday.  Nana died in 1980 at the age of 80 when I was 13 years old.  I can remember the day down to the hour that I got called out of class to be given the news by my mother… I was utterly devastated.  Nana was a tall woman.  She stood about 5′11″ and she was beautiful. 

I am writing this post because today I have been reflecting about all of my grandparents and the significant roles they each played in my life.  I never knew my paternal grandfather because he passed away when my dad was 10.  However, I was able to fully know both my materal and paternal great-grandmothers, grandmothers and maternal grandfather.  Nana and my grandmother (her daughter) traveled from California almost ever summer together to come and see us children.  It was a ritual for us and boy it was a great day when we all knew that they were arriving.  I remember standing at the airport terminal jumping up and down when I saw them coming down the terminal and once we got back to the house, Nana would pull out her wallet and hand each of us children a crisp, brand-new two dollar bill.  Oh how WE loved that!!   One of my fondest memories of my grandmother and Nana was when I would sit on the counter in their kitchen in California and watch them cook and bake.  Nana made the best lemon meringue pie you ever tasted!!!

My grandmother was a graduate of Stanford University and attended on an academic scholarship.  She was a smart lady, the first woman in her family to attend and graduate college .  She specialized in and was a RN in the pediatric nursing area and she personally delivered her first grandaughter, ME!   I am so lucky for that.  Both she and my Nana were also Avon ladies for more than 30 years.  So, imagine the joy of a young girl when she opened up that suitcase once a year on her visit and it was full of goodies for us kids!!!  It was fabulous and I ALWAYS got my favorite Sweet Honesty perfume!

The best part was I would always sleep with my Nana.  Before bed, she would tell me how important (as she would say) it was to put “cold cream” on your face at night to keep the wrinkles away (I was young — but I now know why she said it).  I would watch her with complete awe as she made up her face, brushed out her rolled hair and painted my nails.  She was the sweetest woman I knew.  She would tell me stories about my family, about how when she was young she traveled in covered wagons and just about her life.  I so enjoyed listening to her.  The best part though was when I would curl up with her and she would rub her thumb on the palm of my hand until I fell asleep.   Sometimes, I still feel like she is rubbing my palm. 

Some of you may think….”How does this relate to the blended family?”  Maybe it doesn’t really, but today, I just wanted to share with everyone the importance our grandparents make in our lives.  The little memories they make with us matter so much when we are adults.

I am a grandmother now.  I hope I make the same memories for my grandson and I hope I am around for my great grandchildren too.  I hope he remembers and cherishes them when 109 rolls around for me, but if it doesn’t, I hope that he remembers me the way I remember Nana Callie.   All of my grandparents set the bar high for me!!   I miss them all dearly!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

I’m still learning…

Living life and learning lessons in a quest to become the best you can be is what life is all about. I will be the first to admit that I am NOT perfect and I’m still a work in progress. Sometimes I make bad decisions. Sometimes I react too quickly. I’m still learning that even though a reaction may be completely justified, it isn’t always necessary. I also pondered the fact that my reaction to certain situations in my blended family may have played a part in the negative outcome. No matter how justified I was/am in giving someone a good cursing out, maybe the outcome would have been or will be different if I just say nothing. After all, many times words are not necessary as actions speak much louder. 

I always say that you can’t control someone else. It doesn’t matter how you feel they should be acting. It’s all about how you react. You can choose to react negatively and make the situation worse or you can react positvely and potentially (a positive outcome isn’t always guaranteed) make the situation better.

It is true that I am a work in progress. There is no harm in that. What really matters is that one is willing to do the work to be the best person that he or she can be.  I’m still learning to let go of anger. I’m learning to not allow the negative actions of others to cause me to react negatively. I’m learning to react calmly. I’m learning to let God lead. I’m still learning!