Recession proof your marriage

As we all know money/financial strain is one of the chief reasons for divorce. We also know that the statistic for divorce of first marriages is 50% BUT the statistic for divorce of second marriages is a whopping 70%! So throwing the money card into a second marriage could be a recipe for disaster – unless you are aware of what is happening.

Our country is experiencing a recession whether they want to formally label it that or not. Families are struggling everyday to save their homes, their jobs, and their sanity. When you are married you feel you are “in this together” or “till death do us part” right? Yes, it should be that way but there are days when we all have hit that wall and just don’t know where to go from there.

It is tough because money issues aren’t something that can just go away overnight. Especially now that we find ourselves in the same circumstance as many people these days - we aren’t alone but it sure can feel that way. You have to be on the same page when it comes to finances with your spouse and sometimes that is way easier said than done. Putting a plan into action regarding how to save your home quickly or how to pay for your child’s lunch when one or both of you may have lost your job is extremely stressful on everyone in the family.

It is a fact that we are all different people. With that come different ideals, morals, values, and visions. Prior to marriage we all had a certain way we managed our own finances and for most of us we got comfortable with it and it worked for us. Hopefully you have found that person who balances you out or who has similar thoughts, actions, and financial management skills as you do. If not, it is all about compromise. That’s what everyone tells us anyway. It is hard in the beginning because we are set in our ways. Sometimes we can see the other person’s side and it may become a much needed change. In other situations you both may be so similar and neither one of you has any money management genes in your make up. Either way, in this time in history, we all have to be conscious of how we utilize our hard earned money and be conscious of how our spouses feel about money too.

Here are just a few ways to “Recession Proof your marriage”:

• Keep an open line of communication going about finances. This is not a fun conversation to have but the more you talk about it the more you can work together to fix something before a problem arises. That way it doesn’t seem as if the bulk of the financial strain lies within one of you – it affects BOTH of you so you BOTH need to talk about it!

• Honesty IS the best policy. We’ve all done it – hide a pair of new shoes in the trunk of our car waiting until the right time to run them into our closet before we’re spotted. This was a hard one for me but I had to stop doing that. It wasn’t helping our finances if I was sabotaging all of our hard work we put into getting a budget together as a married couple. By not telling the “whole truth” about how much those shoes really were or about even buying the shoes then we aren’t fully into doing what is best for the family as a whole. (Side note: my husband now knows I have a shoe addiction and we working on my issues – instead of buying 4 pairs at a time maybe 2 would be alright or God forbid - only one pair! Baby steps!)

• Online Banking and Online Bank Statements. This is usually a feature that your bank offers for free. If so please take it. This is one of the best things you can do to manage your money. Your account is available to you 24/7 and if you have an issue you can find it there in front of you in black and white. They even have an option to export your data into a spreadsheet. This way it makes it easier to discuss your finances in an intelligent way. Online bill pay is another great way to really stay on top of what is coming in and going out.

• Work Together. You don’t necessarily have to have all of your money in one account. Finances are a very sticky and personal topic for people – especially married couples. It varies from couple to couple. You just need to know what your family needs and where you are going to get the money to cover the need. Again, be honest and know that the more you work together the harder it will be to have anything outside work against you. Two heads are ALWAYS better than one.

• Remember the Golden Rule. We are all going to argue. That is normal. As a matter of fact if you don’t argue there may be an issue. Money brings out the best and worst in people and that means your spouse as well. By doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, you are letting your spouse know that financial strain is just another test of your marriage and of your will. Try and keep a level head when discussing finances as this discussion has a tendency to get out of control very quickly. If you can remember that you want to be treated and respected in a certain manner then you can bet your spouse is feeling the very same way.

• Take two steps back to take one step forward. No one wants to hear this but with the times we are living in any step forward is a feat. Maybe you don’t need the 300 channel cable package and the 100 channel package saving you $50 a month will do. Maybe you don’t need 12,000 minutes on your cell phone family plan and the 3000 minute package and talking after 7pm and on weekends saving you $100 a month will do. These are just two small examples of compromises you can make. I’m not saying just “get rid” of cable or your cell phone – I’m saying there are always ways to cut back. Sometimes cutting back now will put you in a better position later.

Communication, budgeting, and listening skills are huge components in getting through a recession with your marriage AND your sanity intact – we’re ALL in this together!

Vacations with your ex-spouse?

Lately, I’ve come across a few blog posts that suggest, encourage and even advocate for ex-spouses spending time together with their children of divorce. Some even suggest vacationing once a year with the divorced family. They feel that doing so will be beneficial to the kids because it’s one time of the year or week when they don’t have to choose between their parents. Interesting- I thought to myself. I’ll be the first to admit that there isn’t a one size fits all approach to blending a family and what works for one family may not work the other. This approach definitely wouldn’t work for mine.

Although the posts suggest that this idea is beneficial to the children because it’s one day of the week or one time of the year when the child faces no loyalty binds, I’ve seen the exact opposite in my family. For example, my ex, his wife and my husband and I get along pretty well. I’ve been invited over to their house for different gatherings and they, including their son are welcome in my home as well. And although my son loves the fact that we all get along, in the beginning, I could sense the awkardness and level of discomfort he experienced when we are all together. It actually put him in a position of having to choose because he didn’t know who to gravitate to in that situation; his bonus dad and I, whom he is very close to, or his bio dad and bonus mom, whom he was developing a connection with. I could tell that he didn’t want to hurt any of our feelings and vowed to never put him in that situation again. I wanted him to develop a positive connection that was independent of me with his paternal side of the family. One that I always encourage, but don’t necessarily actively participate in. Meaning, it’s not necessary for me to go family trips, attend holiday gatherings or spend time with their family. As a matter of fact, it’s healthier for my son to develop these relationships and connections with his dad and stepmom without me.

Additionally, my son has no desire to spend time with my ex and I. It feels awkard to him, like everyone isn’t in their rightful place. Yet, he is still aware that his mother and father love him, but are just with different people now who also love him. As such, he doesn’t feel as if he’s missing out or that he has to choose between any of us. We all encourage our independent relationships with him as well as act friendly towards each other when in his presence. This has been enough for our son, who is a well-adjusted, high-achieving, compassionate little boy. It didn’t take weekly dinners between my ex and I and yearly vacations for us to achieve this. It took us all working together, in a friendly manner that is based on mutual respect, love for our child and lots of communication.

Also, taking a yearly vacation with your ex-spouse and children of divorce can be quite expensive and unrealistic if you both are remarried. Why? Because my husband and I also take yearly vacations with our family and so does my ex and his family. As you can imagine, unless you have an endless pot of money at the end of some rainbow, this can be quite costly. I’d be going on a vacation with my ex and our son, my husband would go with his ex and their son, and then we’d all go with our blended families as well.  Whew! That’s a lot of vacations during the year! This may work for divorced couples who don’t have any commitments to other spouses, their children together, etc., but it would be rather difficult for ex-spouses who are both remarried and have children with their current spouses. Yep, kind of difficult. Ideally, it sounds good, I guess, if you want to further confuse the child about the divorce in the first place, but it isn’t realistic.

Bear in mind that this is my opinion based on my experience and maybe it’s different with boys versus girls. But I know that my husband and his ex-spouse attempted this whole let’s do everything together for the sake of our son thing (before I came along). They even moved back in with each other after they separated for the sake of their son or pure convenience, and for YEARS all my bonus son dreamed of was them getting back together (and they weren’t even together for 3 years of his life prior to their separation and his parents argued ALL THE TIME). Kids don’t understand words, they understand actions. And you can tell them all day long that mommy and daddy are divorced and we do not plan to get back together, but if you’re still taking vacations together and living in the same house, trust me, they are not paying attention to what you say, but what you do.

On the other hand, my son adjusted well to his biological parents not being together (and we were together for almost 4 years of my son’s life AND WE DIDN’T ARGUE) and was more accepting of my husband when he came along. He saw it as an added bonus instead of a threat to this fantasy of his mom and dad being back together. We’ve [his bio dad and I] always reinforced our love for him and have encouraged him to love his step-parents as well. We’ve told him that we will always be there for him, but have never wanted to confuse him by still playing house even though we weren’t together.

As a result, based on my experience and statistical research, I will have to conclude that this idea of vacationing with ex-spouses and/or spending weekly  time together with the children is not a very good idea for most. In most cases the very thing that divorced parents are trying not to do (hurt and confuse their children), they just might end up doing anyway, as in the case with my bonus son. Overall, parents should be careful in allowing their emotions or intellect to guide their decision for their children of divorce. Make sure it’s something that your children will benefit from in the long run and not something you think they want because it’s what you want.

What about you BFSO readers? How many of you vacation with your ex-spouse and/or have a weekly dinner or lunch with him or her and your children together? How does this arrangement work for you? How do you explain it to your children? We’d be interested in hearing if and how it actually works for other families.

Disclaimer: For the record, I am not telling families who do participate in these types of divorce rituals that they are wrong and should do things my way. I am simply stating that, according to research and based on my personal experience, that it didn’t/doesn’t work for my family. As I stated in the beginning of the post, I’m aware that there isn’t a one size fits all approach to blending a family. That being said, Idon’t want women or men to feel compelled to take yearly vacations with their ex-spouse because they think it’s the ONLY way the children will be well-adjusted. This is certainly not the case.

Share good news about your stepfamily

It’s no secret that stepfamilies can be extremely challenging, but they can be successful if the family focuses on building their family. This may be hard to believe because all that seems to be discussed in articles, on blogs, books, etc. is the bad stuff that stepfamilies can’t seem to get past; be it an intrusive ex-wife, a husband who doesn’t understand and support his wife or kids that don’t like and/or respect you. BUT, you can get past those things and your stepfamily, including your children, will benefit as a result.

I’ve mentioned the ladies over at the Stepfamily Letter Project in a couple of posts. It’s a site where stepfamily members can relieve stress by getting things off their chests, anonymously. It’s a good way to vent and blow off some steam before approaching the problem a bit more diplomatically. I think it’s very useful and beneficial and I always encourage my readers and clients to relieve their frustration by speaking their mind in this manner. If you keep it bottled in, you will eventually EXPLODE and that isn’t good for anyone.

That being said, I think it’s equally important that we begin to share what’s going right in our stepfamilies to give other stepfamilies hope for the future. Sure, we’ve probably all been where disgruntled stepfamilies are, but for those of us who happened to, with hardwork, dedication, love and understanding, emerge successfully need to share that good news with everyone.

I’ll start: I’ve made it no secret that the start of my marriage was shaky because my husband and I focused on all the wrong things. We worked tirelessly to try and build a great relationship with his ex-wife because we wanted my bonus son to feel like all was not lost and that we could all be one big happy family. In the process, however, we neglected our marriage and we certainly weren’t one big happy family. As a matter of fact, the ONLY person that was happy was his ex-wife because we catered to her needs. Even my stepson wasn’t happy! Instead of my husband discussing matters that were pertinent to our household with each other, he was discussing them with his ex-wife and I was just forced to do what was convenient for them, but not at all convenient for me. He was trying to prove to her that he could still be a good father by being a great partner to her and offering her support, but he was not a good husband to me and offered me none [support]. But, after many arguments, communication, counseling, love and understanding we began to realize the importance of working on our marriage and family. We made US a priority and as a result, built a marriage and stepfamily that cannot be broken.

For starters, my husband and I are now that disgustingly madly in love couple that still hold hands during car rides; call each other cute little pet names like baby, honey and angel; and can’t keep our hands off each other. He is truly the love of my life and is an EXCELLENT, supportive, loving, understanding husband and father.

Another benefit of my husband and I putting our marriage and family first is how well my son has adjusted. He is an amazingly compassionate, intelligent, strong, wise young man. Navigating through our blended family has taught him to be understanding, forgiving, loving and accepting. He is also excellent with communicating  his feelings, thoughts and beliefs with us. His teachers rave about him being a leader and the peacemaker in class, not to mention that he is a straight A student! Because all of his parents, including my ex and his wife, have worked hard to maintain our separate households while still attempting to work together, our son doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on anything. As a matter of fact, he has NEVER had a desire for his parents to be back together again. He has often expressed that he likes his family just the way it is.

Although my bonus son hasn’t adjusted as well, due to the fact that his mother won’t allow him to see us, the foundation that we built still stays with him. During our phone conversations, he has often expressed that he misses us and wants to come home. As a matter of fact, when he was 9 he told his mother that when he turned 10 he was going to live with us. Additionally, he has often told me [his evil stepmother] how much he misses me and my 200,000 questions that I always ask him. Side note: I always asked him about his friends at school, what he did at recess, his favorite foods that his stepfather cooked for him, if he liked girls, yet… I always thought I got on his nerves when I did that, but it turns out that’s one of the things he actually misses about me.

Overall, my husband and I have built a strong marriage and family for our children and as a result, our children have been able to witness a healthy marriage and develop skills that are and will continue to be beneficial to them in the future. More importantly, we’ve given them a sense of family that they will not forget and can continue to rely on.

See, there are many positive stepfamilies out there, even if the ex-wife is intrusive and destructive. You just have to make a firm commitment to each other, as husband and wife, and as a family. Work on building your marriage and strong relationships within your immediately family first. If you do so, you can build a strong stepfamily and that’s certainly good news.

What about you? BFSO wants to start a Good News Stepfamily Project. We want you readers to start spreading the good news about your stepfamily. Maybe you too have gotten through the many obstacles that stepfamilies face and are now a strong stepfamily unit. If so, we need to start spreading this message of hope. It is true that many of us face battles with the exes, challenges with our stepchildren and even our spouses, initially, but it is possible to get past all that. If you have indeed gotten past it, we want to hear your good news. You can either leave a comment following this post and/or send your good news to goodnews@blendedfamilysoapopera.com. We’ll post all of your good news comments and emails in the good news section of our site so that everyone can see and understand that it is possible to jump those hurdles and create and maintain a healthy stepfamily.

Making Memories and Building Traditions

As promised in my Changing Seasons post, I wanted to expand upon and give you readers some tips on making fun, meaningful family traditions.  Most of you probably already have your family traditions down pat, but for those of you who may be newly re/married or newly divorced single parents, making traditional memories and building bonds with your children is extremely important.  My parents were divorced when I was 6 years old.  My mom was pretty much a single mom for most of my life.  Even though she never had a lot of extra money, and we never took lavish vacations, she made sure we had plenty of memories.   A lot of our family traditions were derived from our own “made-up” games, holidays, etc. but we made them our own and made them fun. 

Traditions are usually handed down from generation to generation and are invaluable to our ability as parents to raise our children.  Through these traditions, I believe, families are strengthened and lasting memories are made.  Also, within the blended/step family, creating traditions promote unity and a sense of belonging.  As a mother, I always felt the need to create lasting traditions for my boys.  As a step-mother, I find it even more important to create new (and keep the old) traditions that involve my step-daughter and my husband, who is a step-father to my children. 

Here are some fun tips and some practical ideas to help you create your own meaningful memories and traditions:

1.  Make time for your spiritual traditions.  Pray together. 

2.  Help serve food at a homeless shelter during the holidays.

3.  Make crafts together.  (I do Christmas ornaments with my children every year — now my older boys are 20 and 21, when I look back to their crafts at 8 and 9, I am simply amazed).

4.  Cook together with your children.  Let them create!

5.  During Fall, have “leaf raking” parties.  Gather a few neighborhood kids, rake, order pizza and pop and jump in a big pile of leaves!

6.  Go apple picking together and bake with the yields of your labor.

7.  Attend sports events together.

8.  Make your children’s Halloween costumes.  (I did this last year and my little boy loved it!)

9.  Every year during the Fall, take a day trip with your children to a new city or town near where you live and discover new ground. 

10.  As you put up your Christmas tree and decorations, make it a family event with food, music and cheer.  This is great fun!

11.  Have your children write letters to Santa and take them to mail them off.  Then write a letter back to your children from Santa and put it in their stocking.  My youngest son loves this!!!

12.  Drive around neighborhoods on Christmas Eve to check out the lights.  My dad and step-mom did this with me and my boys!  I loved it — even as a young adult.

13.  Make homemade gifts for those closest to you.  You will never know how appreciative they will be.  Homemade gifts are the best gifts. 

Those are just a few of the things that you can do to make memories and build traditions with your children.    Remember, making memories with your children cultivates happiness and it most certainly builds lasting bonds.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Today is National Stepfamily Day!

National Stepfamily Day is celebrated annually on September 16th. It was founded by Christy Borgeld, a National Stepfamily Resource Center (NSRC) board member since 2006.

National Stepfamily Day Proclomation

National Stepfamily Day is enhanced by our strong commitment to support the stepfamilies of our nation in their mission to raise their children, create strong family structures to support the individual members of the family, instill in them a sense of responsibility to all extended family members.

Approximately half of all Americans are currently involved in some form of stepfamily relationship and it is the vision of Michigan’s Christy Borgeld that all stepfamilies in the United States be accepted, supported and successful.

Our nation has been blessed by thousands upon thousands of loving stepparents and stepchildren who are daily reminders of the joy, trials, and triumphs of the stepfamily experience and of the boundless love contained in the bond between all types of parents and children.

National Stepfamily Day is a day to celebrate the many invaluable contributions stepfamilies have made to enriching the lives and life experience of the children and parents of America and to strengthening the fabric of American families and society.

Join BFSO by celebrating National Stepfamily Day with your family today!

Changing Seasons

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven…….Ecclesiastes 3:1

BFSO readers, do you love Autumn, Fall and Winter as much as I do?  As the leaves begin to fall and change colors and the air gets crisp, I reminisce with myself about growing up off of the George Washington Parkway in Alexandria, Virginia, walking along the Potomac River with my sister and playing in the freshly fallen leaves.  I then begin to yearn for the seasons fabulous flavors.  The first thing that comes to mind is sweet potato and pumpkin pie, hot beef stews and yummy warm casseroles.  Did I mention that this is my favorite time of the year?  Well, as you can see, it is! 

 While some folks are fretting over the arrival of Jack Frost, I am reveling in the anticipation of family gatherings, holidays, comfy warm sweaters and pajamas and fun-filled snowy days.  I even like to do a little day traveling during this season.  I love to explore quaint little towns like Nashville, Indiana, where you can walk along the old- fashioned sidewalks, watch candy-makers craft their magic and eat in old-fashioned country restaurants.  It makes me feel as if I stepped back into time.  It’s really a treat and the kids love it.

I look forward to every season that God blesses me with.  I can’t wait to see the little ghosts and goblins in October.  I, again, am taken back to a memory of Halloween and my mother dressing me and my sister up as Gypsies and my brothers up as Ghosts.  Those were the days!  We didn’t go to the store to buy our costumes usually, we had to be creative and make them!  Then, I am taken to thinking about Thanksgiving and the wonderful memories I have of my grandparents visiting, all the yummy food and reflections of blessings we have received despite any disappointments that may have happened during the year.  I actually picked the beautiful month of November to get married because I absolutely love the ambiance of November. THEN…HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS!!! I absolutely adore Christmas.  Not because of presents (I have actually stopped requesting them) but because of the time I get to spend with my husband, children and now my beautiful Grandson!  I call it “making memories.”  Some of our family traditions include enjoying craft time every weekend leading up to Christmas where we paint ornaments, Christmas village houses, birdhouses, etc.  My children look forward to this time and so do I!  I also look forward to being able to look back at their crafts in years to come and enjoying them over and over.  Oh, have I mentioned football yet?  Well, I won’t go on and on but football is HUGE in our home. 

 Autumn, Fall and Winter bring all kinds off great memories back to life for me and I wanted to share a few of the above with you readers.  In the next few weeks, I will be providing you readers with some great Fall recipes and fun things to do.  BFSO family, take advantage of this beautiful time and season that God has blessed us with.  I promise, you will surely find lots to be thankful for.  Remember, Autumn is a second Spring, when every leaf is a flower.                                  

Peace and Blessings Abound,

Di

Bad advice for stepmothers

After reading several books, articles, and blog posts, written by women  giving advice to stepmothers, I’ve concluded that most do more harm than good. All of them, I believe, have good intentions; to aim to teach stepmothers how to successfully blend their stepfamilies, because of course, the responsibility falls mainly on them.

I’ve read and heard people give advice like, “work on trying to build a relationship with your stepchildren,” “try to understand where the ex-wife is coming from,” “try to understand how your husband feels,” “you can be that mediator or voice of reason between your husband and his ex-wife,” “remember that divorce is hard,” and finally, “be patient and everything will work out.” All of this advice leaves stepmothers feeling like they are actually the problem. It gives them more responsibility for a divorce they didn’t create in the first place and indirectly reaffirms the myth that we are all wicked.  How? Because you are telling us stuff that we already know.  We already realize that we have to try to get to know our stepchildren. We are not heartless creatures who need someone to tell us that.  The fact of the matter is the reason children often don’t like the stepmother is not because she is not doing everything to forge a relationship with them, but because of the divorce itself; which means that none of this is the stepmother’s fault, but the bio mom and dad’s. Yet, all of the advice makes it seem like it’s something that we’ve done or are not doing.

The advice that suggests that stepmothers be understanding of how the ex-wife feels and give her time to adjust is also counterproductive as the problem is not that we don’t understand (as women, especially if we are already mothers, we usually do), but it’s her intrusive behavior that gets under our skin. So again, it’s nothing that we are or aren’t doing. It’s completely natural to react, feel hurt or angry at someone who is constantly attacking you and/or your marriage and while we may understand where she is coming from, the behavior is still UNACCEPTABLE. Understanding or sympathizing with someone doesn’t mean that she gets the green light to whatever she chooses, no matter how damaging it can be to your marriage.

And I’m not letting husbands off the hook because the same applies to them. Of course we understand where our husband’s are coming from. We know that they just want their children to be okay, but that doesn’t mean that we have to accept everything they do either. We are their wives, partners for life and should always be treated as such and NO ONE should be allowed to interfere in our marriages…period. This means that we make decisions that affect our household together; there is no more going over to the ex-wife’s house to fix the kitchen sink, tell her to call a plumber; there’s no more allowing your children to disrespect us because they’re hurting, stepmothers are adults and giving respect should be demanded (whether they like her or not). You took vows to honor and protect your marriage and it doesn’t make you evil or a bad father for doing so.

The other piece of advice that is almost laughable is telling stepmothers to be patient; to which I personally want to reply by giving that person a good firm kick in the butt! Telling me to be patient is implying that I am not already being patient. I’ve been sticking with my husband, despite his difficult, intrusive ex-wife, financial strain due to numerous back and forth court battles, a child who, for the first 4 years, demanded (verbally and via his actions) that his parents be back together again, a husband who jumped (for years) at his ex-wife’s every whim because he was afraid she wouldn’t let him see his son and much more, for nearly a decade now, yet I’m still here. I’M PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING!!! If I wasn’t, I would’ve told all of them where they could go a long time ago and most stepmothers experience battles that are years long when their husband is in high-conflict with their ex-spouse. Once again, it’s not that we aren’t already patient; we’re frustrated, angry and fed up because we have been patient for so long.

It’s so important to offer support and good advice to stepmothers if we are ever to truly understand the stepfamily dynamic and help stepfamilies flourish. Currently, ALL of the responsibility falls on the stepmother and she receives absolutely no understanding. She is taught to be everyone’s punching bag because they are hurting due to the divorce. She must love, nurture, encourage and support everyone, including the ex-wife, yet she isn’t given the same and even demoralized, if she expects it in return. Not to mention that she is taught that everything is her fault anyway. His kids don’t like you because you’re not being patient. His ex-wife is difficult and intrusive because you are not being understanding. Your husband caters to his ex-wife’s every whim because you, you evil, wicked stepmother, aren’t being understanding of his needs. All of this is wrong, bad advice for stepmothers and leaves them feeling even more frustrated, overwhelmed and like failures. It makes her feel bad for wanting to be respected by CHILDREN; wanting the ex-wife to butt out and not wanting to share her husband with her.

Stepmothers are not wrong and wicked for wanting, demanding even, the above-mentioned. And they are not wrong for reacting to such unreasonable behavior. Everyone must understand that divorce is hard on EVERYONE, including the stepmother and if everyone else gets a free pass to be wicked and evil due to something that they created themselves, then the stepmother gets a pass to react to something that she didn’t create in the first place. The stepmother is not the reason for everyone’s hurt, so stop treating her as such. Remember, in the majority of cases, the divorce happened BEFORE she came along.

Stepmothers, I urge you to take your power back. Your husband’s divorce was not all your fault and it isn’t your responsibility to fix it so don’t beat yourself up trying to. Your husband’s and his ex-wife’s emotions are their responsibility to take charge of and not allow them to affect their children or YOU. You can be understanding and supportive without being everyone’s punching bag.

Overall, when did our society start encouraging people to act and do as they choose just because they’re hurting? This is exactly the advice that is constantly spewed to the stepmother by saying that his kids are mean because they’re hurting; his ex-wife is disrespectful and intrusive because she’s hurting; your husband doesn’t pay attention to your needs because he’s hurting. What is this teaching our children? When they are hurting, they can go and slap little Susie at school just because they are hurting? It’s unacceptable behavior and totally unfair to demand that any one person accept it, from everyone in the stepfamily, and happily at that.

Good-Bye Summer Visitation!

As the end of the Summer nears, so does the 6-8 weeks of Summer visitation time you spend with your children and step-children if you are the non-custodial parents.  More often than not, hearts are saddened when its time to pack them up again and send them back, but for some stepparents, its actually a time of relief.   I know that last sentence may be a little hard to swallow for the many step-parents, including myself, who do not feel that way, but unfortunately it is something that is a reality for many.

Case in point, a co-worker of mine (we will call her June), every single day at our lunch hour during the Summer, she describes in detail, as she puts it, “her 8 weeks of Hell.”  June’s step-daughter and step-son come every Summer.  June and her 14 year old step-daughter bump heads (most of the conflicts come from the child not abiding by the house rules, playing two ends to the middle between her mom and dad, etc. etc. - most normal things children of divorce experience).  June and her step-son do just fine and enjoy one another.

 While my co-worker’s husband is rolling out the red carpet treatment, June is dreading the inevitable squabbles, guilt-trips (June’s children live with June and her husband and the step-daughter resents it), temper-tantrums (yes, she still has them at 14) and the constant arguments about the re-establishment of the house rules.

Let me just say that June isn’t a mean-spirited person by far and is actually one of the sweetest people I know.  It’s just that she, like many other step-parents, have a hard time dealing with teenage step-children who already have pre-formed opinions (mostly due to their pain from the divorce but also due to their custodial parents’ disparagement of the step-parent), emotions and feelings; not to mention June’s step-daughter goes out of her way to come in between her dad and step-mom.   The anxiety June feels before Summer starts is so bad that she has even mentioned that she hopes that her and her husband are short on money that Summer so they don’t have to send for her step-daughter.   This statement will seem very selfish to some, but it is a sad and true reality of how hard it is sometimes to blend families.  It is not only hard on the children of divorce, but on the step-parents as well, and unfortunately BFSO readers, it is more common than we think.

In defense of June’s step-daughter, I recall one of my most poignant memories as a young 10 year old child.  It was the Summer of 1977 and my siblings and I had to travel to California to spend the Summer with my dad, stepmother and her 3 children.  I think this was the hardest Summer of my life.  Here not only had I not seen my father in more than 4 years, I had to walk into his new life, with his new family that was so different from our old family, and I was scared to death.  I was jealous, confused and I did I mention that I missed my mom terribly?  None of our feelings were taken into consideration ever and on top of it, we were to immediately get used to living in a strange home for the next 8 weeks.  Talk about stress!    

In our discussions, I realized that June really wants to change the situation she and her step-daughter are experiencing?  In my opinion, first and foremost, instead of rolling out the red carpet (my husband’s ex wife calls this the “Mr. Fun” syndrome) when your child arrives, it’s more important to keep your home functioning as it normally would when they are not there.  Rolling out the red carpet may seem special at first, but it really actually makes your child feel more like a visitor once the “fun” wears off.  Instead, make them feel like they are coming Home. 

If there are issues like the above in your blended family, here are some tips to help you get through the storm:

1.  Communicate with your husband/wife about what is going on.  Get on the same page and stand together about your house rules, roles, etc.

2.  Spouses need to spend alone time together to focus on themselves.  VERY IMPORTANT.

3.  Do your best to get to know your step-child.  Take baby steps.  If they don’t respond right away, don’t write them off.  Keep in mind that divorce and remarriage is an extremely hard transition for children and especially for teenagers.

4.  Look into family counseling.

5.   Read this book:  One Family, Two Family, New Family:  Stories and Advice for Stepfamilies by Lisa Cohn.  This book is AWESOME! 

Remember, transitioning is hard enough for children who switch every other weekend, let alone have to leave their moms, dads, friends and homes in another state or town for 6-8 weeks at a time.  Nurture your step-children if they will allow you.  If they don’t, just be there for them and be that listening ear when they are ready.   As for June, her step-children are back in Colorado and she and her step-daughter made good progress this Summer and they both made a promise to be better to eachother in the future.   Baby steps…….

Peace and blessings,
Di

I’m a WIFE

After reviewing our interview with Dr. Wednesday Martin I realized how tired I get of having to re-live my past over and over again. Of course the best thing I’ve ever done in my life has been having my oldest daughter who came out of my past. I don’t regret anything I went through because I have her. But living in a blended family can have its breaking points.

I am obviously divorced for a reason and I have moved on to have a very healthy happy marriage with my husband. Yes I am a part of a blended family but that doesn’t mean I have to live in my past. Writing for the Blended Family Soap opera has been a very cathartic experience for me and one which I enjoy so very much. As a matter of fact, it has blessed my life in more ways than I could imagine. When I write about issues I have within my own blended family they are geared toward my ex-husband; the issues we had to bring us to our divorce and the issues we currently face trying to raise our daughter.

The more I read and wrote the more upset I was getting because I kept having to live those past experiences and go through all of that again. It has helped me to overcome some issues and has helped me to help others – BUT I don’t want/have to live there.

I am a wife to a wonderful man and a mother to 3 amazing daughters now. I was blessed to meet my husband and have 2 more children with such an amazing man. This is my focus in my life now; my husband and my girls. Yes, living in a blended family means that we all co-parent together and try and be on the same page. At the same time, however, I don’t live over at my ex-husband’s house and he doesn’t live at mine. There has to be some space there. As much as I loved his family and my ex-mother- in-law who passed away – all of that is my past. It is HIS job to make sure my daughter has all of that now from his side, and of course his wife’s job as well because that is their family- not mine any longer.

I can’t nurture my own marriage and raise my girls as someone’s ex wife. And using the term current wife/husband just sounds like I’m some stop along the way for my husband or him for me. Titles, titles, titles! I know they have their place, but sometimes they can do more harm than good.
Was I previously married and did I have a child with that man? – Yes, we were married for a tad over a year and together for 5. I just feel that my life now is worth writing about as well.

I live in a blended family and my husband has been a part of my oldest daughter’s life for over 10.5 years now.  My husband is also a great father to our 2 biological girls and a great father figure to my oldest daughter.  He gets the everyday duties with her, like homework, making her clean her room, making sure she’s eaten, and picks her up from volleyball practice. Though my oldest daughter has her biological father in her life, it is nice to have a male role model to live with day in and day out. This is my life now. It all works, we all work, and we are blessed for that.

So I’m taking all of my titles and throwing them out the window because in order to make my blended family work I need to live in the present – not the past!