Divorce can leave children feeling like defectors

October 30, 2009 By 5 Comments

Parents swear, and children sufferDivorce is war!  Unfortunately, on both ends of the spectrum, some parents cannot seem to get away from battling one another.  They live in constant entanglements with their ex-spouses and they shift aside the issues that post-divorce can leave on the shoulders of their children.   Granted, they have become ex-spouses, but they fail to realize that they have not divorced their children.

Albeit hard, during and after divorce, one of the most important opportunities for growth, confidence and self-esteem that you can provide for your children is to encourage a healthy, strong relationship with your ex-spouse.  Doing so will not only save your children the burden of carrying emotional baggage unnecessarily, but it will encourage your children to be non-combatant, confident and secure that although their parents are no longer together, they have a great relationship with both parents individually.   Children who are encouraged and who enjoy healthy relationships with each parent are less likely to break the rules or to pit one parent against the other should an issue arise. 

As a child of divorce myself, I always felt a sense of entanglement.  There was  a lot of disparagement around us children.  Quite simply, the disparagement always made me want to defend the other parent.  It also made me feel the need to be with that parent more than the other which eventually led to my playing two ends to the middle between them.  My parents’ actions, at times, made me feel as if I had to choose who to love more.   Being made to feel that way made me feel like I was a defector.  

Divorce is a journey that the children involved do not ask to take.  They are forced along for a ride where the results are dictated by the road their parents decide to travel.  As parents, we have to do more to take responsibility during these times and not allow the disruption to cause more damage than it has to.  We have to commit to co-parenting effectively so that our children do not have to share in all the pain that divorce brings.  It’s not adequate to assume that your children will just ”get over it” after we as the adults “get past it.”  That’s simply not fair.  We have to emphasize that their relationships will not change with their individual parents, but will only get stronger during the process. 

I will reiterate again, children live what they learn from us as parents.   It is more than worth the effort, if we decide to walk off the battlefield that divorce prepares for us, make the necessary changes to co-parent effectively and encourage our children to have healthy relationships with both parents in order to save our children from the many unnecessary conflicts that may befall them, and so that they will never have to feel like a defector. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Tastefully Simple: Modern cooking for the modern family

October 29, 2009 By 1 Comment

momdaughtercookingToday’s modern family is usually comprised of him, her, his kids, her kids, their kids, the dog, a few fish and a hamster. Not to mention that mom and dad both work, the kids have after school activities and overall, schedules are hectic and hard to manage with so little time. Often times, families don’t have enough time to cook, let alone eat together at the dinner table. Families need quick simple recipes that are still yummy to the tummy. Solution – Tastefully Simple! With Tastefully Simple recipes and products, you get the food you love and the time you deserve.

Tastefully Simple is a company that offers a wide selection of convenient, easy-to-prepare foods designed to help people spend less time in the kitchen and more time enjoying the rest of their lives. They offer inexpensive products and spices that can be easily added to things you already have on hand or can easily get from the store.

I love Tastefully Simple products because even a non-cook like me can make anything tasty, and the best part is that it’s easy for me to do! Below is a recipe to one of my favorite Tastefully Simple meals. For more information on Tastefully Simple and/or to purchase some of their delicious products please visit www.tastefullysimple.com/web/thart1.

  1. Perfect Parmesan Biscuits (you can purchase the mix directly from the website above)
  2. Ham and Swiss Mac
  3. Garlic Garlic Green Beans
  4. Rice Krispie Caramel Bars

The biscuits, oven baked mac and cheese, garlic garlic, and caramel sauce are all Tastefully Simple products!

Ham & Swiss Mac

Ingredients
Oven-Baked Mac & Cheese Mix
2 cups milk
6 oz. (about 1 1/2 cups) shredded or cubed Swiss cheese, divided
8 oz. (1/2 lb.) cubed fully cooked ham

ovenbakedmacandcheeseDirections
Combine Cheese Sauce Mix with milk in a large saucepan; whisk to blend. Bring sauce mixture to a boil, stirring constantly. Reduce heat and simmer 4-5 minutes or until slightly thickened. Add about 1 cup of cheese and all of ham; stir until cheese melts. Add prepared pasta to sauce; stir to blend. Pour pasta mixture into a greased 8 x 8 baking pan; top with remaining cheese and Crumb Topping. Bake at 350° for 15-20 minutes until bubbly and browned. Makes 6-7 servings.

Garlic Garlic Green Beans

Ingredients
2 Tbsp. Garlic GarlicTM
1 Tbsp. olive oil
2 lbs. fresh green beans
2 tsp. sea salt
14.5 oz. can chicken broth
Pepper to taste

Directions
Saute Garlic GarlicTM in olive oil until slightly brown; add green beans saute lightly. Add sea salt and broth; cover and steam approximately 5-10 minutes until slightly tender. Pepper to taste. Makes about 4 servings.

Rice Krispie Caramel BarsIngredients
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter
12 cups miniature marshmallows
12 cups Rice Krispies®
1 jar Creamy Caramel Sauce

Directions
Melt butter over low heat; add marshmallows. Stir until completely melted. Remove from heat; add cereal. Stir to coat evenly. Spread half of cereal mixture in greased 9 x 13 pan. Pack mixture in pan firmly. Warm Creamy Caramel Sauce; spread over top of cereal mixture. Top with remaining cereal mixture. Cool. Makes 12-15 servings.

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BFSO Spotlight: The Jenner/Kardashian Clan

October 27, 2009 By Leave a Comment
thekardashiansjenners

The Jenner-Kardashian Clan

There are so many stories about unsuccessful blended families these days that I thought spotlighting one of America’s successful blended families would be a treat!  Introducing…..Kris Kardashian and Bruce Jenner from the hit TV reality series “Keeping up with the Kardashians.” 

I have to admit that when I first watched Bruce Jenner win Olympic Gold in the 1976 games, and thereafter gracing every box of Wheaties in every grocery store in America, I instantly had the biggest crush on him.  Of course, I thought I would end up being Dorothy Hamil one day too….imagine that!  Today, being a well-respected father, author, actor, motivational speaker, famous step-father that he is, I can see why he is so appealing.

Kris Kardashian is a beautiful, successful, highly-regarded, savvy business woman and mother of 6.  She is an extremely intuitive woman and a wonderful mother.  Between the two of them, Kris and Bruce have 10 children.  Whew! 

Kris, Bruce and their family seem to be the real-life 21st century Brady Bunch, with one exception.  Things aren’t always perfect in their family (at least how the show portrays them) and they deal with some of the same issues that most blended families deal with.  To make things more complicated, their differences are publicized in front of a national audience.  Not only do they have the pressures of having every minute of their daily lives taped for television (albeit at their choice), but they, like all other blended families, share challenges.  Through it all, they handle it with resilience, love and little laughter; which in turn allows their children to grow and thrive.  Their efforts as parents (bio and step) have been a direct reflection in the success of their children. 

Granted, I will put my disclaimer out that I am basing this post on the mere fact that I watch their show religiously because I find it funny and entertaining, and because I am a reality TV junkie, not because I know the facts about their actual personal family issues.  I just thought they would be fun to write about!

In closing, with so many remarriages of today failing, it is nice to see two people keep the focus on their family and marriage.  Did I mention they have been thriving for 18 long years, most of which occured before reality TV came into existence! 

We here at the BFSO say, “Hats Off” to Kris Kardashian and Bruce Jenner.  Keep up the good work!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Healthy marriage or healthy divorce?

October 25, 2009 By 6 Comments
Supernanny Jo Frost

Supernanny Jo Frost

I love the show Supernanny with Jo Frost, the intuitive nanny who is much more than just a nanny. She literally brings families together by opening up lines of communication, teaching parents how to better understand their children and teaching couples how to work together. What I admire most is her “tell it like it is” approach. She’s very understanding and sweet, yet she doesn’t hesitate to put a parent in his or her place, especially when she feels as if his or her actions are negatively affecting the children.

The season premiere aired on Friday and it featured a stepfamily; husband and wife with three biological kids and the wife had a daughter from a previous marriage. The stepfather appeared to be contributing to the problems of his biological children and stepchildren by under disciplining his biological children and over disciplining his 13 year old stepdaughter. After careful observation, Jo-Jo didn’t hesitate to tell him to start acting like an adult. She told him that his kids need him to act like an adult and be the father/father figure in the household. She didn’t let mom off the hook either. She basically told her that her permissive parenting was ruining her daughter and she and her husband needed to start working together to present a unified front for her.  

Jo-Jo often tells parents that their children need them to stop making excuses and to think about their futures and the life skills they need to develop to become strong, well-rounded adults. I couldn’t agree more with Supernanny and this is often my message to clients and readers when they reveal that their households are in total chaos due to all the stepfamily obstacles that many remarried couples face.

Anytime I sit down with an ex-wife who spends more time trying to develop a loving relationship with her ex-husband, but is fighting with her husband about discipline in the household; or a remarried dad who reveals that he feels obligated to fix his ex-wife’s kitchen sink, allow her to be intrusive or spend time with her and the kids because of the kids, I pose this question; “Is it more important and beneficial to your kids to show them what a healthy divorce or a healthy marriage looks like?”  Their usual response is silence, followed by an “I get what you’re saying now.”

Our society has been conditioned to believe that it’s better for children of divorce if we spend all of our time getting the divorced parents to live in harmony rather than developing and nurturing the remarriage. I’m not saying that it isn’t beneficial to the children to see the divorced parents being on the same page and working together to co-parent between two households, but getting them to love and live in harmony is an unrealistic expectation that shouldn’t be made priority over everything else.  Divorced parents who are remarried shouldn’t spend the majority of their time trying to show their children what a healthy divorce looks like instead of showing them what a healthy marriage looks like. Like Supernanny says and most ex-wives say to stepmothers, “remember that you are the adults and it’s time to start putting their needs above your own!” Doing so, [putting their needs above your own] means considering their future beyond the divorce. They need to see a husband and wife being affectionate with one another, working together to run their household,  and disallowing external factors, such as ex-spouses and guilt to wreak havoc on their marriage. Why? Because this is hopefully the future you want for your children and because you failed to show them with your first marriage, take the opportunity to do so with your second.

Ultimately we want to see our children experience happy marriages in adulthood, and in order for that to happen, we must show them what that looks like. Additionally, working too hard to show them a healthy divorce could send the message that divorce is an option. For example, I recently had a conversation with my husband, who is a child of divorce, and he said that he didn’t think divorce was so bad because of what he witnessed with his parents divorce and how he didn’t see his remarried mom and stepdad interact. As a result, with his first marriage, he was divorced in less than 3 years, but he spent all of his time trying to make it work after the divorce instead of working on building a marriage with me. He thought he was doing the right thing because of the examples he had from his childhood. Divorce, instead of marriage, in his opinion, required the most work and therefore making the divorce work was his number one priority.

In a society where 50% of first marriages and 67% of second marriages end in divorce, we need to do something different. More time needs to be spent on nurturing our marriages as opposed to nurturing our divorces.  Our children need to see healthy examples of marriage, instead of putting all of the effort into showing them healthy examples of divorce. Remember, we want them to live happily ever after…marriage, not divorce! BFSO writer and counselor, Diane Greene often says that children live what they learn and this is so true. So, what are you teaching your children? Spending all of your time working on your divorce may make you feel better by ridding you of the guilt over divorcing in the first place, but in the long run, what are you teaching your children? Are you teaching them how to make a marriage work or how to make a divorce work? If so, which one do you think will be better for them in the future?

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Teach Your Children to Get to Know You!

October 21, 2009 By 1 Comment

motherdaugtherIn the October issue of the Awake magazine, given to me by my sister-in-law, there were some great unbiased tips and ideas for children on getting to know their parents better.   As I read, it struck me that due to the extremely high divorce rate all over the world, this is a matter that I would like to touch on and hope to inspire some of our BFSO readers to share with their children.    

I remember when I was younger, my mother would tell me stories about her youth and teenage years.   As I stepped into young adulthood and began to make plenty of mistakes, she would elaborate about her mistakes and the lessons she learned from them as well.   I felt blessed to have shared these experiences because sometimes parents are fearful of expressing their mistakes to their children out of fear that their children will think less of them.  However, in my case, some of the mistakes I made were easier to trudge through knowing that my mother had “been there, done that.”  I was more open to listening to her and to learning from the past.

For our children, there is always room for them to get to know us better.  There are many benefits for children in getting to know their parents better.   First, there is so much to learn about their family history, their family lives, their attitudes and perceptions and their love.   Due to the high divorce rates, a lot of us know little or nothing about our parents.  Distance between residences plays a huge role.  However, even if your parents aren’t divorced, they probably haven’t told you everything about themselves.

Here are just a few more benefits that help our children to better understand us:

1.   Your children will gain knowledgeable insight into your point of views.

2.   You will become more comfortable sharing experiences with your children.

3.  Your children will appreciate your efforts to teach them about your life and your family.

Remember, teaching our children about us, as parents, in turn teaches them about life.  For example, sharing with them about our struggles reinforces our decisions when they are having to be made regarding our children (i.e., they will understand why at times we have to be frugal with our money because we always had less materially growing up).  Or, another example of opening up communication might be a father might share the experience of his “first love” with his daughter so that when the time comes that she needs to open up about her first boyfriend or crush, she will be comfortable with talking to her father.   Fathers can teach their daughters so many lessons, but most of the time, shy away from talking to their daughters. 

Teaching our children about our life experiences will help them with their own struggles and frustrations when they themselves reach adulthood.  Obviously, some conversations are hard to initiate like the father/daughter example above, but often times the answers to your children’s questions will lead to a story or some example that you can provide for them. 

Communicating with our children creates strong bonds not to mention when they are older, they will appreciate all of the lessons they have learned, all of the conversations they have had and, most importantly, all that they know about their parents.  Then, they will pass those same lessons on to their own children in the future.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

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BFSO Won an Awesome Girl Blog Award!

October 16, 2009 By 3 Comments

awesomegirlawardOne of my favorite stepchicks, Erin, from the Erin Experiment and from the Stepfamily Letter Project just awarded BFSO with an Awesome Girl Blog Award! We were so honored and flattered by this award and the way the beautiful Erin described us. She said we were like Stepchicks meets the View, except with much better attitude and hair! We love it!

Now it’s our duty and privelege to pass the award on to a few of our favorite beautiful, spunky, sassy, blog lady favorites. Here we go…

  1. Wednesday Martin is one of our favorite beautiful, spunky, sassy stepmoms. As the author of Stepmonster: A new look at why stepmothers think, feel, and act the way they do, she gives you permission to breathe and not feel guilty about certain “evil” feelings that most, if not all (they just don’t want to admit it) feel from time to time. As a matter of fact, she advocates for more understanding and sympathy of the stepmother; encouraging, experts, ex-wives, stepchildren, divorced dads and society as a whole, to take the stepmother’s feelings into consideration when trying to navigate through this maze we call a stepfamily. We love Wednesday!
  2. The ladies of The Stepfamily Letter Project, which just happens to be Erin, from the Erin Experiment and Jacquelyn Fletcher, from Becoming a Stepmom, are some more of our favorite blog chicks. The Stepfamily Letter Project is a blog that allows you to anonymously post your feelings regarding anything in your stepfamily; be it joyous, angry, sad or “evil.”  We encourage all of our readers and clients to visit their blog and release some tension. If you feel you can’t go directly to that individual, but still need to get it all out, visit The Stepfamily Letter Project to get it off your chest. Trust me, you will feel much better after doing so.
  3. Peggy Nolan of the Stepmom’s Toolbox is another one of our fab favs! I love the way that Peggy focuses on holistic stepfamily care. From stepmom self-care to learning how to forgive to fashion, The Stepmom’s Toolbox is great place for helpful information.
  4. Last, but certainly not least, are the ladies of Spicy Wifey! We love this blog because it allows us to focus on what’s important – OUR MARRIAGES! Too often, we choose to focus on the drama in our stepfamilies; the ex-wife, the stepchildren, the conflict…instead of focusing on building a strong foundation for our families through marriage. We forget to increase that spice factor in our marriages and ourselves, as wives. Spicy Wifey teaches and reminds us to keep it HOT!

So there you have it, some of our favorite spicy, spunky, sassy, and beautiful blog chicks! We have more, but I’d be typing forever. Erin, thanks again for the award and for being one of the stepchicks who inspires us!

Kela, Diane, and Julia

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Counseling for Kids: Wrong or Right?

October 16, 2009 By 6 Comments

kidcounselingIt’s no secret that everyone at one time or another has had conflict in their lives, whether it be with members of your immediate family, your friends or your work colleagues.  Blended/step-families are no strangers to the same types of conflicts.  Often times, it is the children within these families that experience the most pain and conflict, and most of the time, parents are so wrapped up in the pain and emotions of their divorce that they unintentionally forget about the adjustments their children are having to make.   More often than not, they themselves do not understand the emotional effects that are taking place with their children until it either spirals out of control or causes resentment, both of which becomes damaging to a child’s self worth, self-esteem and confidence.

The first tool that parents seem to turn to when their children are experiencing conflict is counseling.  At first glance, this seems like the right thing to do, correct?  Not always.  Some have even suggested that a child being rushed into counseling, alone, can actually cause more harm than good.

In an article I recently had the pleasure of reading by Gary Direnfield, MSW, RSW in Adoption Week E-Magazine (Blended Family/Kids in Distress:  What to Do?), he discussed this very subject.  Mr. Direnfield suggested that all parents (including step-parents) attend counseling first, together.  However, I am very aware that a great majority of people would not find this idea appeasing and would not be attainable.  If it’s not attainable, he suggests separate counseling for the parents, but with the same counselor.  Mr. Direnfield’s advice is simply put.  Kids in distress?  PARENTS GO TO COUNSELING FIRST!  After reading his article, and with a little more research, I would tend to agree. 

Counseling is an opportunity to resolve conflict through open communication.  For example, if we have  a problem with a friend or a co-worker, usually one person will initate communication to try to resolve the situation or you will talk to your supervisor.  As parents, in the eyes of our children, we are charged to have all of the answers, and unfortunately, quite simply, we do not always.  Sometimes we need help.  Parents obtaining counseling before their children during times of conflict will be able to not only diffuse distress in their kids lives, but also learn how to better effectuate their own communication skills as well and amongst each other.  As Mr. Direnfield so eloquently wrote, for children in distress, in the context of adjustment to a new blended family, rather than just sending the children off to counseling, parents and their partners should enter counseling or for a lack of a better term “parent education” first.

Obviously, BFSO readers, I realize that every persons situation in their respective blended families is different and the circumstances surrounding same need to be taken into consideration, but I tend to agree with Mr. Direnfield’s opinion that parents should attend counseling either first or along with their children in times of conflict to help open up comunication and hopefully find resolution. 

BFSO readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this matter! 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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When going through a divorce, be prepared!

October 14, 2009 By 6 Comments

divorcedecreeBelow is a conversation I had with a reader, offering advice as she prepared for her divorce. Be advised that names have been changed to protect her confidentiality.

Reader: This Wednesday, we have child support court at 1pm. Currently, we are maintaining separate households, and I know that the court will establish visitation and address child support.

I am writing you because I was wanting to know if you have any tips on how I can ease the transition for the kids. Boy is 2 and Girl is 7 months. A major concern of mine is that  Ex-husband hasn’t developed much of a relationship with Girl. Also I am going to need a divorce lawyer, as well. I am thinking that it should be a fairly simple case since we have no assets to divide. Any input or thoughts that you have would be greatly appreciated. I have not told anyone of my discussion except for my parents. Thanks in advance and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

My Response: Frequent contact and maintaining some sort of routine will be essential to easing the transition for your babies during this time. It’s important that visitation pick up and drop off times are strictly adhered to. Additionally, it’s better for them to have similar surroundings at both mom and dad’s house. For example, they should have a room at your house with some of their favorite things, as well as a room at dads’ house with some of their favorites. Basically, it should feel like home no matter where they are laying their heads for the night.

It might also help to start reading some kid friendly books to them regarding divorce. I’ve included links to a few below. The first one, Where Am I Sleeping Tonight, is for slightly older children (3rd or 4th grade), but you could “dumb it down” so to speak, for Boy. It will help to answer his questions or address his frustrations in a very matter of fact type of way. Remember, the children feed off of your emotion. If you embrace this change, your children will eventually embrace it. If you act anxious, nervous, heart broken (in front of them), then they will pick up on that as well.

As far as the visitation is concerned, I can definitely relate to your concerns. My son was 3 and a half when his dad and I parted ways and his father had never really had any involvement in his life. He is an overseas basketball player who works in Spain for 10 months out of the year. As such, he never had the opportunity to bond with him prior to our break up. The courts took this into consideration and awarded him frequent short visits, as opposed to longer overnight visits, during the summer months. As a matter of fact, this is automatically taken into consideration when deciding visitation for infants and toddlers. Attached are the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines concerning infants and toddlers. The courts usually adhere to such guidelines.

Regarding the attorney, I’ve recommended a few below. I’ve only personally used one of them, but the others are highly recommended.

Overall, be advised that it will be a huge mistake to go to court unprepared and without an attorney. No matter how simple the case may seem to you, I’ve always found that they are a lot more complicated than what we might think. Protect yourself and your children’s best interest by getting a good attorney in the very beginning. You’ll find that it will likely save you tons of money in the end.

Let me know if you have any additional questions. I’m here to help. Oh and check out those links to those books below.

Grace and Peace,

http://www.amazon.com/Where-Sleeping-Tonight-Story-Divorce/dp/1878076302/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1242503478&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Dinosaurs-Divorce-Marc-Brown/dp/0316109967/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_c/179-2123306-1893056

http://www.amazon.com/Was-Chocolate-Pudding-Little-Divorce/dp/1591473098/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b/179-2123306-1893056

Reader: Court went very well and a tremendous burden has been lifted from my shoulders now that the order is in place. I really appreciate all that you have done and as you stated it does pay to be prepared. Ex-husband tried to say that he made 6k less a year then what he makes but because I had the last pay stub that was mailed to the house I was able to dispute that, and he also stated he had the kids 3 overnights a week but because I kept a calendar of when he did and didn’t keep the kids I was able to dispute that as well.

God is good and I know this is only the beginning of the end. I look forward to getting my life back on track and I hope to have everything in place by the end of the year.

Thanks again!

My Response: I’m so glad that things went well for you!!! I’ve been keeping you and your family in my prayers. Additionally, I am SO glad that you were PREPARED!!! I can’t stress this enough to my clients who are going through a divorce. Often times, we don’t want to and can’t even believe that our former spouses would even be capable of such things, but divorce seems to bring the bad out in almost everybody. All of sudden they are lying about income (it happened to me), lying about visitation (it happened to me) and lying about the amount of money that they pay to take care of the child (it happened to me). As such, I always tell my clients to expect the possible worst (be prepared to defend yourself), but pray for the best.

Divorce is hard. It’s difficult to close a chapter in a book that you thought you’d be writing forever, but it can be just as exciting and rewarding to write a whole new book. Just for comfort, support and encouragement, check out the excerpt of my article on “Divorce Parties” here. Embrace this change so that you can move on, for yourself and your babies.

Good luck to you and your family! I’m so glad I could help.

Kela

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Love Rules!

October 8, 2009 By 6 Comments

“Nearly 60% of the marriages in the United States end in divorce”

PD*19953492In focusing on the statistical data, one might say that the institute of marriage in our country is falling apart.  Most reasons for this include money, children, infidelity, lack of respect and the biggest of them all…non-communication.  It would seem that the odds are stacked against all of us who are currently married or remarried, especially for those who are newly divorced and hoping for remarriage one day.  Today, some folks are even making conscientious/constructive decisions not to get married at all.  The question I keep finding myself asking is this….How do we find unconditional love that conquers all?  Is this even obtainable?  Can love conquer all?  I believe the answer is: Yes, we can.

 Why were marriages of the past so successful?  Marriages of the past share the basic rules that we have today – only there is one difference.  That difference, to me, is unconditional love.  In our society today, we are molded around the idea that no matter what happens in our marriage, if we get the point that we can’t handle it – however simple the problem may be – we give up and allude to the fact that we can just “get divorced.”  It’s too easy to get divorced in today’s society.  It’s obvious that I totally understand that we live in a different world than did our grandparents and great-grandparents time, and obviously, we don’t have the social pressures to stay with our mates through thick and thin as they did back then, not to mention the fact that our society is always evolving and ever changing, but back then (at least from the stories told to me by my grandmothers) husbands and wives just had a lot more plain old mutual respect for one another.  They communicated, they shared meals together, they stuck by one another, they instilled family values in their children and they worked together at their marriages – they valued each other’s place in the family unit.  Sure, there were those bad apples around that spoiled the bunch, but mainly, marriage and family was first and foremost outside of religion for most people.

Albeit, let me put out my disclaimer that I am not (actually far from) an expert in marital counseling or in the institute of marriage itself, but in my opinion, in any union, the conviction that you have for your mate (whether in a traditional or non-traditional relationship) that he or she is valued and worthy of being loved by you is so important.  It is important that you do your best to make them feel admired and cherished by you.  My husband always makes me feel important to him.  This is one of his best qualities.  What he gives me is something that I never had in any other past relationship.  Now, I wonder why I ever allowed myself to settle for less in the past.  It is so rewarding to have the feeling of admiration and appreciation.  No marriage is perfect by far, but problems can be surmountable.  They can be overcome with plenty of love, patience, positivity, communication and conviction toward resolve. 

 To me, the difference between a good marriage and a GREAT marriage is conviction.  My principle passion is to have a happy home, family and life.  Is it hard sometimes? Of course!  Are there days where I think to myself….”Good Golly Miss Molly – What on Earth have I gotten myself into?”  Absolutely!  We all have these moments when we are frustrated in our marriages.  But, I have an assured belief that God has me and my husband right where he wants us to be and that is TOGETHER.  We put up with one another through thick and thin.  Couples that are able to dig deep enough to weather the storms together end up building marriages that stand the test of time in the long run.  They are unbreakable.  They overcome!  This is unconditional love.  Be blessed BFSO readers and let me know what tips you use to keep your marriage healthy, strong and happy.  I’d love to hear from you.

 Peace and blessings,
Di

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New Zealand considers child support based on need, not income!

October 5, 2009 By 3 Comments

The following article was first published here on www.glennsacks.com.

The government of New Zealand is apparently considering changes to its child support laws that would require the non-custodial parent to pay according to the child’s needs, not according to the parent’s income.  According to father’s rights advocate Darrell Carlin, such a change would encourage parents without custody to pay.  In New Zealand, about one-third of non-custodial parents are in arrears on child support obligations.  That’s the most in five years and amounts to over $500 million in arrearages plus $1 billion in penalities.

Carlin added,

“I don’t find many fathers who don’t want to support their kids, but they’re troubled supporting their ex’s lifestyle.”

That’s a common complaint in this country as well.  Here, non-custodial fathers are significantly better about paying child support than are non-custodial mothers, according to U.S. Census Bureau data.  So such a change to the law, if enacted here, would likely be welcomed by “visiting” parents of both sexes.

And, as I’ve reported before, the U.S. Office of Child Support Enforcement has, for a long time, been trying, with little success, to get family courts to set support at levels non-custodial parents are actually capable of paying.  So, since courts aren’t paying much attention to what non-custodial parents earn anyway, maybe it would be a good idea to junk the whole system and start over by looking first to what children need.

Now, ignoring altogether the earnings of the non-custodial parent doesn’t seem like a good idea either.  A parent out of work may be unable to meet even the bare-bones needs of a child, while requiring a wealthy parent to pay only the minimum for a child who’s used to more seems punitive toward the child.  So I’d favor establishing a range with zero as the lower end and some other figure at the upper.  Zero would apply to a parent who is truly destitute and the upper end would be the maximum regardless of the non-custodial parent’s income.

Whatever the merits or demerits of the option now being considered in New Zealand, the real best solution is, once again, equally shared parenting.  With equal or nearly equal time for both parents, and a custody agreement between the two, child support would be unnecessary.  With child support unnecessary in the large majority of cases, we could shut down most of the callous bureaucracy that so often ill serves parents, children and states.

Even with a presumption of equally shared parenting, there will always be some cases in which one parent has primary custody.  In those cases, child support will need to be ordered by a court and it would be a good idea to order it in a way that it can be paid.  In those cases, the idea currently being debated in New Zealand is worth looking at here.

And, not surprisingly, that’s what Darrell Carlin thinks too.  He emphasizes shared parenting as the obvious way to equalize the costs of child care.

BFSO readers, what do you think about enforcing child support based on need and not income. We want to hear from you!

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