Join Judge Hatchett’s Dreampost Campaign Today!

"We were meant to parent as a community."

Parent Power Now is a movement that Judge Hatchett started in order to encourage one million parents to join her Dreampost Campaign.  The campaign encourages parents to post their children’s dreams where the child can see them. You can visit www.parentpowernow.com to download a handprint, on which to boldly write your child’s dream, and then post it on the ceiling above their bed. This is so that it is the first thing they see when they wake up and the last thing they see before they go to bed.

Judge Hatchett encourages parents to expect greatness instead of accepting or making excuses for their children. Whether your child is growing up without a father, is a product of divorce, has a learning disability or is having difficulty navigating through their stepfamily; children need to be taught perserance and resilience, not given or allowed to make tons of excuses because of their circumstances. They should be taught that greatness can be achieved in spite of and sometimes because of their circumstances.

Parents take your power back and start guiding your children instead of allowing their excuses and emotions, due to their circumstances, guide you. You are the parent! Join the Parent Power Now Dreampost Campaign and start encouraging and expecting greatness from your children. Remember, you are your children’s greatest teacher and cheer section. Push them to move beyond their circumstances and then cheer them on! Visit www.parentpowernow.com and join Judge Hatchett’s Dreampost Campaign.

About Judge Glenda Hatchett

Judge Glenda Hatchett

Glenda Hatchett graduated from the Emory University School of Law and became Georgia’s first African-American Chief Presiding Judge of a state court and the department head of one of the largest juvenile court systems in the country. Presently, Hatchett presides over the syndicated show, “Judge Hatchett” currently in its 8^th season (Sony Pictures Television), and is author of the national best-seller, “Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say” (HarperCollins). She has previously served on the Board of Directors of Gap, Inc. the Hospital Corporation of America (HCA), and The Service Master Company. She also serves on the Boys and Girls Clubs of America National Board of Governors and she resides in Atlanta, Georgia with her two sons.

Custody Battle: Porn Star/Mom v. Sandra Bullock

Good Morning America did a piece this morning on Sandra Bullock and her 5 year-old step-daughter.  Sandra and her husband Jesse James are fighting to keep custody of 5 year-old Sunny whom they have had custody of since January due to her mother’s recent prison stint for tax evasion.  I was really entranced in this story this morning because the headline was “Sandra Bullock vs. Porn Star” instead of “Jesse James and Ex-wife fight for Custody.”  However, I do understand that Sandra has been raising Sunny in the absence of her mother during this whole period.  Sandra submitted her declaration letter to the court where she talked about Sunny’s mother, Janine Lindemulder’s drug use  and issues of safety involving Sunny, specifically stating an incident where Sunny was left alone all day while her mother was “asleep from drug use.”  Sandra goes on to talk about the optimum relationship she shares with Jesse’s first wife and the care she provides for Sunny on a stable, regular basis.  (The full text of Sandra’s letter can be read on GMA’s website).

In her defense, Ms. Lindemulder discussed that she would like to sit down with Sandra face-to-face and as “two women” to discuss the situation.  She said she is tremendously hurt by the accusations and questions Sandra’s right to take away her daughter.  I was a little taken back by this statement as it is clear that Sandra didn’t take away her daughter from her, the courts did pursuant to her incarceration.  Once again, this is another example of how the step-mother gets to take blame for something that isn’t her issue.  She goes on in her own defense and says that she is a good mother.   Lindemulder is now remarried and her new husband is also as Mr. James put it “a two-time state and federal convicted felon.”  Bullock and James have called both Ms. Lindemulder and her husband unfit to raise their daughter. 

BFSO readers, what do you think?  Do you think Jesse James and Sandra Bullock should step back a bit and allow Ms. Lindemulder to reincorporate herself and maybe regain custody of her daughter?  Or, do you feel Jesse James and Sandra Bullock should keep full custody of Sunny, and do everything in their power to limit Sunny’s time with her mother considering she has to prove she is no longer drug dependent?

I am in a quagmire with my opinion.  On one hand, I would hope that Ms. Bullock’s intentions are based solely on the best interest of Sunny, and on the other hand, I have always believed in parental rights, even if that parent stumbles, they deserve a second chance at redemption as long as they show, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are doing everything in their power to get better and making the conscientious choice to get on the right path.  But, I also feel that Sandra Bullock cannot be made out to be the bad guy int his situation considering she is just the “step-mother.”  She has done well by Sunny and her husband by stepping into that Mom role when her mother obviously couldn’t and/or wouldn’t due to her prior bad decision making.  She is doing what she is supposed to do.  

During her interview, Ms. Lindemulder expressed her gratitude toward Sandra and expressed appreciation to her for stepping up and taking good care of her daughter while she was in prison and she also claims that she is a good mother and wants her daughter back.  Bitter custody disputes are always hard on the children involved, and indeed, this one will be no different.  Although they happen every single day, in every court in America, in the end, the children are always the ones who suffer.

I am confident that the judge in this case will look not only at all the facts but also at the big picture and make a fair decision.  Ms. Lindemulder has expressed that she wants to be a good “co-parent” with both Jesse and Sandra.  That is a good first step.  Hopefully, they can all come to an amicable solution and one that is in the best interest of Sunny.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The People Pleaser Part II

TMF writer and stepfamily counselor Diane and I recently had a conversation about people pleasers. It all started with a daily spiritual inspiration which Diane sends me every morning.  Two important lines in this daily inspiration read as follows:

“Be aware and watch for the enemy’s devices that will saddle you with imposition as he pressures you to act out of a sense of obligation instead of being moved by My Spirit. Obligation has its roots in a spirit of fear. The fear of rejection results in being a people-pleaser.”

The corresponding biblical verse was 1 Thessalonians 2:4 But as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, even so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who tests our hearts.

Diane talked about her personal and general experience with people pleasing in her post, but I want to get more specific and delve into how it affects the stepfamily. Unfortunately, if the stepfamily is not handled properly; meaning every member of the stepfamily is not responsible and mindful of their own actions and emotions and how they affect the other members of the stepfamily, it can perpetuate a few forms of the “people pleaser.” Let’s go over them below.

The People Pleasing Remarried Dad

The people pleasing dad is created because he beats his head against the wall trying to keep his ex-wife happy so she won’t prevent him or make it extremely difficult for him to see his kids; keep his wife from getting upset because he works overtime to be overly accommodating to his ex-wife and alter his children’s reality so they won’t be too upset over the divorce. The people pleasing dad doesn’t want to be rejected by his wife, his kids or his ex-wife and instead makes decisions that are based on that fear of rejection instead of based on doing what’s right for everyone, including himself.

The People Pleasing Stepmom

The people pleasing stepmom faces many of the same challenges as the people pleasing remarried dad. She works hard to make sure she doesn’t upset the ex-wife because she might keep the kids away from her husband; she doesn’t want to upset her husband because she understands his difficult position and she wants his kids to like her. All of it leads to life of saying yes all the time, bending over backwards to make sure everyone’s happy and often times putting herself dead last. She’s afraid to speak up for herself and set boundaries out of fear of being rejected by her husband, his kids and the ex-wife. She also makes decisions based on that fear instead of doing what’s right for everyone, including herself. Society also places her in a difficult position because if she does speak up, set boundaries, demand some “me time,” she is demonized and labeled as wicked, instead of just another overwhelmed mom who is tired of bending over backwards for everyone in her family. The people pleasing stepmom is most devalued and most misunderstood stepfamily member of them all and she receives the least amount of understanding from her husband, the ex-wife, the kids AND society!

The People Pleasing Kids

Like Diane mentioned in her article, the people pleasing kids are often created when divorced parents choose not to co-parent effectively. When divorced parents put their children in the middle of their divorce by bad mouthing the other parent, sending messages to the other parent through them and overall using their children as a liaison between them, children often feel as if they have to over please their parents in order to make them happy. When you see your parents fight and argue all the time, seemingly over you, you tend to over please when you’re with your parents individually. By that same token, statistics, research and studies have also proven that altering their reality also creates the people pleasing kid. When divorced parents work too hard to make it seem like nothing has changed when everything has changed, children tend to work overtime to please their parents. They feel as if they could please the parents enough, then they will both be happy enough to get back together again. This form of pleasing is meant to show them that, “See, this could work and we could all be a family again. After all, we do have fun when we’re all together.”

It’s important for divorced parents to know that often times, either extreme isn’t good for the child. You have to model a healthy balance and acceptance of change (because things do change with divorce) and prepare your kids accordingly.

The Non Pleasing Ex-Wife

The heading was not meant to bash ex-wives. I only write and speak from either personal experience or solid research, and according to research, often times the most intrusive and least flexible member of the stepfamily is the ex-wife, not the ex-spouse, but the ex-wife. She feels a huge sense of entitlement because she is the mother of the children in the stepfamily, often causing the people pleasing dad and stepmom to walk on eggshells around her.  Although she is rarely in the position of having to please everyone, she does have a difficult job in aiding her children in the transitional period of divorce. She has the power to influence her children by either encouraging or discouraging the relationship with their paternal family and stepmom. She has the power to encourage her children to embrace this change or hold on to the past. Additionally, she has to filter through her own emotions while helping her children as she is often times the custodial parent and therefore the children are with her most of the time. Simply put, the divorced dad often times gets a chance to breathe after the divorce. It’s easier for him to embrace the change much sooner than the ex-wife because he gets a chance to grieve and get used to the idea, but the ex-wife must keep going. She must help her children adjust while sometimes pushing her own feelings aside to focus on them. She reacts out of a fear of change because she barely has time to wrap her head around the idea. This causes her to make decisions based on that fear instead of doing what’s right for everyone, including her. That being said, as a society, we understand and sympathize with the ex-wife more than anyone else in the stepfamily and give her the benefit of the doubt way more than we should. The adjustment period for the ex-wife should not last several years. You can’t expect everyone to be understanding and sympathetic to your plight for that long.

As I stated earlier the root cause of people pleasing is fear of rejection and this fear can create a very damaging pattern of behavior in our lives. It’s important to realize that you cannot allow someone else’s negative thoughts or issues to govern how you feel about yourself or how you make decisions. Setting healthy boundaries is an important part of life and part of setting boundaries is learning to say NO! Self-care, even for the stepmother, is not a wicked thing because as Diane mentioned in her article, you can’t effectively do your job as a parent or step-parent, in your career or even as a friend, if you aren’t taking care of yourself.

The People Pleaser: Part I

Can you not stand the thought of upsetting others? Or, maybe you are like me and you put everyone elses’ needs and wants before your own? If any of these statements describe you, you may be guilty of being a “people pleaser.” Granted, just being a busy parent and spouse, one can easily fall into the trap of as I have often been called the “be all, do all and go to person” for everything. Being a people pleaser has been something that I have personally struggled with in the past. I am the immediate “go to” person at work as well as at home. Recently, I came to the conclusion that I cannot and will not “be all and do all” to and for everyone in my life whether that be to my children, my husband, my boss or my friends. I have many friends that fall into this same category. I watch them bend over backwards, like me, to help everyone and get little to no time for themselves and when they do seem to find a little time, they feel guilty….just like me. My problem lies in the fact that I have a hard time saying the simple word “no” to anyone, any favor, any task asked of me. I felt like it was more important to please and impress that person or family member and endure the pressure and sometimes the stress that it brings along with it just to seek their approval. At times, I even found myself making excuses to myself for my people pleasing ways. Hence, my recent conclusion to “just say no to people pleasing!”

I have determined that the approval I may have thought I needed was really only my issue. I need not anyone’s approval. I have also determined that when my children are grown or when I am no longer here, how many miles I drove them to soccer practices or to games or how many times I stressed about buying them the latest and greatest clothes or toys or given them my last $5.00 until payday for little extras that they really could have gone without will not be remembered by them at all. What they will remember is the time I shared with each of them, my caretaking of them when they were sick, my unconditional love for them; not my people-pleasing because I didn’t want them to be upset with me and they definitely will not remember all of the times I gave into their excessive wants. My boss will appreciate me for my hard work and tenacity not for my accumulating 150 hours of paid time off because I never call in sick when I need to out of fear of displeasing anyone. You get the point? I do not have to be a martyr.

In my research on this subject I found out that people pleasers are really just fearful of rejection. Some feel that if they don’t put everyone else ahead of themselves or their needs, they will end up alone. They are afraid of setting boundaries out of the fear of disappointment. Something that I found out during my research really hit a note with me personally and that is people pleasers usually were raised in environments wherein their needs and feelings were pushed aside and not considered. Bingo! Boy there is so much truth to that statement. A lot of children of divorce end up being people pleasers in some aspect or another. They have been pulled in between their parents and often find themselves having to take sides. They didn’t have a choice in the decision of their parents to divorce, and after the divorce, their feelings often get pushed aside because their parents can’t find time to step off the battlefield long enough to see that their children need their attention.  In turn, they end up trying to please both parents all of the time and this behavior continues and carries over into their adult lives.

The following are some tips that I found very helpful:

1. Focus on your own best interest instead of avoiding conflict;

2. Do something for yourself;

3. Learn how to say no;

4. Learn when it is appropriate for you to take responsibility for an action and when it is someone elses’ issue. Do not bear burdens that aren’t yours to bear.

You are important. Your self-worth is not based on how much you do for other people. Learning to say no is not easy for a people pleaser, but having an assertive attitude without being aggressive is the key. Wanting to please everyone all of the time is stressful and even hurtful to our physical well-beings as well. Remember, there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself first and then you will be more able to effectively and lovingly take care of the others in your life.

Peace and blessings,
Di

Ed Hartwell says that he doesn’t have stepkids

The Hartwells

Ed Hartwell is the former NFLer and husband to entrepreneur Lisa Wu Hartwell. Both Lisa and Ed star in “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” on BravoTv with their one-year-old son EJ. It’s Lisa’s two sons Jordan,14, and Justin,11,(dad is singer Keith Sweat) who do not star in the BravoTv reality series. Although he is not the biological father of Lisa’s sons with R&B singer Keith Sweat, Ed calls Jordan and Justin his sons all the same:

Me and my sons have a great relationship. I tell everyone I have three sons. They call me dad; I never say my stepkids, they are my sons. Every kid is different but they are both wonderful children. My eldest son is about to turn 14 and I have conversations with him that I can’t have with Justin. Jordan wants to train, so now we’re both training.

Ed does admit,however, that he does not have a good relationship with their father, Keith Sweat:

Not at all. The reason is because [when I started dating] Lisa there was a lot that I had to stop from happening. I had to lay down the law, man to man. Have I tried to work out some things and put our differences to the side for the sake of the kids? Absolutely. I don’t like to play games.

This story was first published on Black Celeb Kids. Click on the link to read more.

« Previous Page