Top 25 New Year’s Resolutions Every Stepfamily Should Make

December 31, 2009 By 6 Comments

nyapple3Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Stepmother Should Make:

  1. I will carve out 30 minutes a day just for me. Whether it’s taking a walk, reading a book, relaxing in a bubble bath or watching my favorite television show, I will make sure to make some “ME” time.
  2. I will resolve not to make EVERYBODY IN THE STEPFAMILY’S problems my own by focusing on “fixing” something that I didn’t break in the first place.
  3. I will not force the issue of being one big happy family and instead, allow my relationship with my stepchildren to naturally evolve (whether that takes 2 years or 10 years).
  4. I will support my husband and offer advice when and if necessary, but ultimately allow him to handle issues with his ex-wife and trust that he will make decisions that are best for our marriage and family.
  5. I will not blame the ex-wife for issues that MY HUSBAND can control. For example, if he goes over to fix her kitchen sink, I won’t be upset with her for asking. I’ll be upset with HIM for going.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Divorced Mom Should Make:

  1. I will NOT make my issues with the divorce, my ex-husband’s remarriage and/or his wife, my childrens’ issues.
  2. I will reclaim and embrace my sense of independence.
  3. I will carve out 30 minutes a day just for me. Whether it’s taking a walk, reading a book, relaxing in a bubble bath or watching my favorite television show, I will make sure to make some “ME” time.
  4. I will not intrude upon or attempt to control my ex-husband’s household just because my children go over for visitation.
  5. I will encourage and support my childrens’ relationships with their father, stepmother and any half or step-siblings that they have.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Remarried Dad Should Make:

  1. I will demand the same positive behavior from my children that I did prior to the divorce and not overcompensate out of guilt. No more permissive parenting!
  2. I will honor and protect my marriage and not allow any issues that I encounter with my ex-wife to wreak havoc on my marriage.
  3. I will realize that I don’t have to share every little thing with my ex-wife just because we share children together. She does not get an all access pass into my life just because we share a child, no matter how she tries to convince me otherwise.
  4. I will nurture my marriage instead of nurturing my divorce.
  5. I will never take my wife for granted and make every effort to understand her position in our family.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Divorced Parents Should Make:

  1. We will work to communicate effectively in order to co-parent our children.
  2. We realize that divorce means that although we are co-parenting partners, we are no longer life partners, and it’s completely okay for us to lead totally separate lives.
  3. We will emotionally disengage ourselves from the divorce and each other, and allow our intellect, not our emotions to dictate what’s best for our children.
  4. Whenever possible, we will work to be on the same page regarding discipline and other areas in which we need to present a unified front for our children.
  5. We will not work tirelessly to alter our childrens’ reality and instead, move past the divorce so that our children can do the same.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Remarried Couple Should Make:

  1. We will carve out at least one night per month that is just for us. Whether it is sitting at home watching our favorite movie, going out for dinner and a movie or just sitting by the fire and talking, we will make sure that we have date night.
  2. We will not allow our respective emotional baggage and the drama of our divorces to consume every aspect of our marriage.
  3. We will realize that maintaining our present marriage is much more important that “fixing” our divorces.
  4. We will make decisions that affect our household together and realize that neither one of our ex-spouses get a vote on certain matters.
  5. We will develop a co-parenting policy for our household and work to present a unified front to any children that reside there, be it part-time or full-time.

Overall, stepfamilies should use the new year to start fresh and focus on moving forward instead of constantly looking back. Remember, to learn from your past, but don’t live in it and then move on! It is what’s healthy for everyone, including your children.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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Out with the Old and In with the New – YOU!

December 30, 2009 By Leave a Comment

womanbluesky2009 has seen its better days-or not! Thank goodness we can look forward to 2010, a clean slate, a new beginning, and a new you.

It sounds cliché but the start of a new year truly is a new start. There are millions of New Year’s resolutions being made as we speak. Unfortunately, 95% of those will not make it to June or will not be followed through upon. How can we make this year different? How can we keep our resolutions and help our lives as well as improve our families?

There is a wonderful article written by Lesley Alderman for the January 2010 issue of REAL SIMPLE magazine titled “Nine Secrets of Motivated People.” Here are her nine points for a better you for 2010 as well as my own interpretations of her list:

1. When you make a plan, anticipate bumps. Peter Gollwitzer, professor of psychology at New York University says that people who plan for obstacles are more likely to stick with projects than those who don’t. When you are aware of all of the “what if’s” of a project then you can come up with ways to work through them should they occur. This way you have a plan to stay on task.

2. Channel that little engine that could – really. A person’s drive is often based on what she believes about her abilities, not on how objectively talented she is according to research by Albert Bandura, a professor of psychology at Stanford. You must first believe in yourself before anyone else will believe in you. Push yourself and love the person you are.

3. Don’t let your goals run wild. This means that you should set expectations and goals for yourself in order to achieve what you set out to do in life. At the same time keep them in perspective. If you have 100 pounds to lose don’t expect to lose all 100 in a month or even two. Set mini goals for yourself and make sure to reward yourself when you attain that next step.

4. Go public with it. Don’t keep your goals or resolutions to yourself. Tell a close friend or family member so you have a support system. Things go much smoother and much easier when you have support and some accountability to what you want to achieve.

5. Lean on a support crew when you’re struggling. Enlist people in your life who you feel want you to succeed and will keep you motivated. Choose people who may have seen you fail in the past and who know how much success means to you, says Edward L. Deci, professor of psychology at University of Rochester.

6. Make yourself a priority. Lesley Alderman states that you will derail your progress if you sacrifice yourself for others in order to please them. Only you can take care of you and only you know what you need. That’s a lot of you’s and it may feel selfish but we must take care of ourselves before we are capable of taking care of anyone else.

7. Challenge yourself and change things up. This especially applies to anyone trying to lose weight or striving for a healthy lifestyle. Doing the same exercise routine can become monotonous or eating the same thing for lunch everyday becomes so boring. As time goes on you will eventually get frustrated and throw that salad or treadmill out the window. Do yourself a favor and research fun ways to exercise and look up new recipes online to spice things up. This way you’re always learning and that helps build new excitement around your new life.

8. Keep on learning. To refuel your efforts, focus on enjoying the process of getting to the goal, rather than just eyeing the finish line, says Lesley Alderman. Take pride in researching or going back to school to reach a new career goal. Take classes or go to events for the things you are passionate about just for fun. You will enjoy learning about things you love even if it isn’t about making a career out of it. It’s all about expanding your mind and your life and learning something new never gets dull.

9. Remember the deeper meaning. Edward L. Deci says it best when he says “You’re more likely to realize a goal when it has true personal significance to you” Enough said.

The more information and support you are armed with the better equipped you are to face the world and also stay true to who you are.

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(Step)Parenting Lessons

December 28, 2009 By Leave a Comment

stepmotherdaugtherIt has been said that everything we learn and experience is a lesson from which we ultimately profit. One might ask, how can one learn from a painful experience such as separation or divorce? At times, even a spouse’s remarriage can prove itself painful for an ex-spouse.

Learning from our lessons can seem an impossible task but not so, if one can learn to let go of control. There are numerous things that we feel we must control. For example, a custodial parent may feel the need to control every aspect of the relationship that their child shares with the non-custodial parent. They pad you down, to not just the hour, but every extra minute that you may spend with your child outside of your normal visitation time. Instead of embracing the idea of your child benefiting from the extra time, they scoff at the idea, not just with words at times, but also with attitudes that your child ends up the recipient of. That parent feels that if they release any bit of control, the relationship they share with their child will disseminate or slip away. In my opinion, that view is quite the contrary. The more you release control and rid yourself of those issues, the more you will gain out of your own relationship with your child. Hanging on for dear life to control issues only causes detriment to you and your child(ren). When you find yourself clinging to issues about what you think is in the best interest of your child, you are really only hanging on to what you think is in your own best interest. You are not thinking about your child at all. The issue is with you! Let go of the control.

Lesson that can be learned from this experience is: your child will become a more productive, kind, well-rounded adult by having both of his/her parents fully involved with his/her life and will never have a reason to resent you in the long run.

Our lessons and experiences teach us that life can be so much easier when we decide to give up unrealistic control, views and ideas. One of the major mistakes that step-parents make is holding on to unrealistic expectations about the relationships they may or may not end up sharing with their step-child(ren). For example, as a step-parent, you cannot expect that you are going to share the same relationship with your step-child(ren) that you share with your own children. You are a step-parent, not their parent. Another example of a step-parent issue is going overboard during visitation , trying very hard to make sure that you are giving your step-child(ren) everything that they want all of the time because you think that will bring you closer to them. This is an unrealistic idea. What is realistic is if you show them comfort and love all of the time, and listen to them when they feel the need to confide in you. Remember, the best adventures in your step-parenting experience begin with simple things like, trust, hope, family and love. Let go of the control. By doing so, you will never regret the love you accept or give to your step-child.

The lesson one can take from this experience: is that you will gain an enormous gift from the unwavering love from a child that you may not have given birth to or helped create, but a relationship that gives you more happiness than you know, and one that you will cherish and continue profit from for the rest of your life.

In today’s modern family, another unrealistic expectation (which is a form of control) is feeling like you have to be the “fixer” of everything and everyone. The title “people pleaser” is an understatement. You are not perfect, therefore, you cannot fix everything and everyone, and trying to do that all the time is really your own way of trying to control everyone. Accept that nothing and no relationship is ever going to be perfect, whether that relationship be with your husband, wife, ex-spouse, divorced mom, step-child(ren), step-parent and even with your own child(ren).

Choosing to let go of control helps us to grow our souls. Being in touch with our own expectations and realizations allows us to not only profit ourselves, but allows us to give more of ourselves to the other important people in our lives.

Di

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Top Quotes of 2009 from BFSO writers and friends

December 26, 2009 By 7 Comments

godsgiftquoteWe here at Blended Family Soap Opera are excited about the upcoming year! We look forward to providing more information, products and services to many modern families. From stepfamilies to single parent homes and from households with same sex parents to grandparents raising grandchildren, we aim to reach a wider range of modern families in the months to come.

That being said, we have immensely enjoyed the past year and a half and are so blessed to have received the support we have received thus far. From readers to guest bloggers, we want you to know that we have learned from each and everyone of you, too! As a matter of fact, we have included some memorable quotes from not only our BFSO writers, but from readers and guest bloggers as well. Check them out below and know that we look forward to continuing our connection with you in 2010.

Top Quotes of 2009

  1. “What you call yourselves and how people refer to you as a family greatly impacts your children, who are constantly trying to figure out where and how they fit into your modern family.” ~Kela Price
  2. “Divorce can leave children feeling like defectors.” ~Diane Greene
  3. “Divorce is war and unfortunately, some parents live in constant entanglements with their ex-spouses and they shift aside the issues that post-divorce can leave on the shoulders of their children.”  ~Diane Greene
  4. “Divorce is a journey that the children involved do not ask to take. They are forced along for a ride where the results are dictated by the road their parents decide to travel.” ~Diane Greene
  5. “Although stepfamilies rarely make as smooth transition as the Bradys, it is possible to successfully blend a family. It depends on how and when you start and what you put in the blender.” ~Kela Price
  6. “Think of it as an important business project; you don’t always love the person that you’re working with, but you work together to get the project done. Co-parents need to adopt this same business model when co-parenting their children.” ~Kela Price
  7. “There is this double standard by which we suspect stepmothers of being wicked and selfish, yet expect them to be utterly selfless and loving to kids who are not their own, kids who are often hostile and rejecting for many years in spite of a stepmother’s best efforts and intentions.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
  8. “I prefer the term “wife” to “current wife” or “new wife.” It’s more accurate and less loaded, I think. There’s a wife and an ex-wife (or partner and ex-partner). Period.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
  9. “Stepmothers need to put their own adjustment and self-care first, rather than siphoning energy away from that to “fix” something that you didn’t break yourself.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
  10. “Put your own happiness, your own mental health and your marriage or partnership first and without guilt.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
  11. “In my view, no one in this country should be able to practice family therapy without undertaking training and certification by a body such as the National Stepfamily Resource Center.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
  12. “We have created a blended family culture centered around only one perspective and clearly, it’s not working.” ~Kela Price
  13. “It’s important for wives and ex-wives to realize that you don’t have to be the arch rival or the best friend with the each other. There is a middle ground and often times, that’s the safest position to be in.” ~Kela Price
  14. “It sickens me to believe that long ago, the women before us were able to collaboratively strive for success in the arenas of political activism and social justice. When they told us we couldn’t vote, we banned together. We also banned together to demand our respect amongst our male counterparts in corporate America. Yet, when it comes to what should be most important to us, our families, we just can’t seem to work together, or just refrain from trying to tear each other completely apart.” ~Kela Price
  15. “Dealing with a failed relationship is like grieving a life you once knew, but will never have again, and that’s hard to deal with.” ~Kela Price
  16. “The control efforts are part of the battle that some divorced parents need to avoid, including the subtle ones. Subtle suggestions that we are upset, dissatisfied with, or angry at the other parent… such as huffing at the mention of their name, going silent in a conversation that includes mention of them, snide gestures or facial expressions, subtle sarcasm then quick insincere apology, or allowing kids to “over hear” conversations between adults about the other parent with whom we are at odds are not overt badmouthing. They are far sneakier than that, but equally damaging.” ~Chaz,  Reader and Blogger,
  17. “The role of best friend is truly an evolving relationship where two people choose to remain close because of the foundation of trust they have created. The current spouse/ex spouse relationship is not a choice, but it has been forced upon both parties with conflicting views and strong feelings of the person in the middle (ex husband/current husband).”  ~Jenny, reader
  18. “Making sure the kids suffer the least amount of damage possible and that includes their stability in both households (chores and creating and/or maintaining relationships with all parents) truly takes ALL parents. It also decreases the children’s chances of using any “divide and conquer” strategies against their parents. When parents present a unified front, that child has boundaries and more importantly, he or she realizes that EVERYONE is working together for their best interest.” ~Kela Price
  19. “As I’ve learned firsthand, a divorce decree (or any court order) is only as good as the people who have to abide by it. Unfortunately, threatening to take someone “back to court” isn’t much of a threat at all, and often ends up costing you more money (legal fees) and the judge simply telling the person to do what they are refusing to do in the first place with no other repercussions, but by then you’re months removed from the breach in the first place.” ~ Unheeded Prophetess, reader, attorney and blogger
  20. “Divorce is hard. It’s difficult to close a chapter in a book that you thought you’d be writing forever, but it can be just as exciting and rewarding to write a whole new book.” ~Kela Price
  21. “Check your emotional baggage before you board the plane [blended family]. This is not Southwest Airlines so you can check more than one bag. Now just because you can’t bring it on the plane doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t deal with it. You just have to deal with it in a way that doesn’t affect everyone else on the plane.” ~Kela Price
  22. “After expectations comes acceptance.” ~Kela Price
  23. “Life is too short not to live in peace.” ~Diane Greene
  24. “The root cause of people pleasing is fear of rejection, and this fear can create a very damaging pattern of behavior in our lives. Setting healthy boundaries is learning when to say NO. Self-care, even for the stepmother, is not a wicked thing.” ~Kela Price
  25. “It’s so important to offer good advice to stepmothers if we are ever to truly help stepfamilies flourish.” ~Kela Price
  26. “Stepmothers, I urge you to take your power back. Your husband’s divorce was not your fault and it isn’t your responsibility to fix. You can be understanding and supportive without being everyone’s punching bag.” ~Kela Price
  27. “Part of knowing ourselves is also being able to accept who we are and to value ourselves regardless of our flaws. Accepting who we are allows us to value our worth without conditions or reservations.” ~Diane Greene
  28. “I do not like the title of counselor. I’d much rather be viewed as a friend who is willing to be an open book regarding her journey so that you can learn while on yours.” ~Kela Price
  29. “The most important thing a remarried couple can do is intently listen and try to understand their spouse’s perception of reality.” ~Kela Price
  30. “Don’t Stew! Good rarely comes of dwelling on problems.” ~Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness
  31. “Fathers must be supported and encouraged in the family instead of being in continuous opposition with the mother and/or the legal system.” ~Kela Price
  32. “Having a controlling, angry ex-spouse can make co-parenting seem like an extreme sport.” ~Kela Price
  33. “Don’t blame yourself. Ending a marriage because your spouse comes out of the closet is one instance where you cannot be held at fault. Take whatever comfort you can in that.” ~Carol Schwanda, reader and blogger
  34. “Blended families don’t fail, remarriages do.” ~Kela Price
  35. “One of the most beneficial results of self-care is an increased ability to love others which allows us to care for ourselves more gently and completely.” ~Sue Patton Thoele, author of The Courage to be a Stepmom
  36. “Children live what they learn.” ~Diane Greene
  37. “Don’t marry someone who you can’t see yourself being divorced from.” ~Kela Price
  38. “Mediation is no place to deal with hurt feelings. The purpose of the legal system, including the mediation process, is to provide resolution to true legal disputes, not to avenge wrongdoing, seek validation, or keep the other party in a person’s life (as dysfunctional as that involvement is).” ~Unheeded Prophetess, blogger, reader and attorney
  39. “Is it more important and beneficial to show your kids what a healthy marriage or divorce looks like?” ~Kela Price
  40. “In a society where 50% of first marriages and 67% of second marriages end in divorce, more time needs to be spent on nurturing our marriages as opposed to nurturing our divorces.” ~Kela Price
  41. “To me, the difference between a good marriage and a great marriage is conviction.” ~Diane Greene
  42. “The key to effective co-parenting is establishing realistic expectations and healthy boundaries, and to go slow and allow the relationships to organically evolve instead of forcing the issue of everyone being one big happy family.” ~Kela Price
  43. “Creating traditions in the blended family promote unity and a sense of belonging.” ~Diane Greene
  44. “Often times the adults want to use the children as excuses for pushing their way in, due to their own hidden agendas. Please be realistic and honest about your own agendas that have absolutely nothing to do with the child. You know that the child never benefits from having his whole family together, if they are constantly at each others’ throats.” ~Kela Price
  45. “There is simply nothing like a fellow journeyer who has or is traveling the same road. All the kings horses and all the kings men could not help the compulsive behavior of alcoholics, yet when 2 drunks got together and began helping one another back in 1935, AA was born and spread throughout the world.” ~Chaz, reader and blogger
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Alternatives to the traditional holiday dinner

December 24, 2009 By Leave a Comment
legoflamb

Leg of Lamb

Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner menus, for many families, have the same old thing on them. Families usually fill themselves up on turkey, dressing, green beans, sweet potatoes, sweet potato pie, green bean casserole and mashed potatoes until they bust. It’s always been kind of crazy to me that these two holidays are only a month apart from each other, yet the menus are identical. As such, I am growing sick and tired of the same old thing. If I eat another piece of turkey, I’m going to start gobbling! Therefore, I decided that it’s okay to break away from the traditional and try something different on Christmas. I won’t be struck with some holiday curse for doing so, will I?

When I asked others if they were having the traditional meal this year, to my surprise, many were not. A few said that they planned to have a seafood feast for Christmas dinner this year. Others were having steak and prime rib roasts for dinner. Those who live in warmer climates during this time of year decided to cookout this year. All of these are fabulous alternatives to the traditional holiday dinner, and a few just might find themselves on  my holiday menus in the years to come. Tomorrow, however, I decided to prepare a baked leg of lamb, shrimp scampi served over rotini, corn on the cob, baked potatoes and chocolate cake…yummy! It will be a nice break from the norm and my family was totally excited about my plan for something new. It turns out that they were sick of turkey and dressing a long time ago as well.

What are your plans for Christmas dinner this year?

Happy Holidays!

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A good orgasm will relieve that holiday stress!

December 21, 2009 By 9 Comments

sexI am enjoying Wednesday Martin’s 10 day countdown to Christmas. She’s offering ten tips to relieve holiday stress for ten days. Among them are suggestions like delegating, exercise, and SEX!

Studies have shown that sex itself is not only a good form of exercise, but the orgasms achieved through sex actually stimulates healthy organ functioning, which can help us live longer. When you have an orgasm, all of your muscles tighten and flex and then completely relax after the orgasm, leaving your mind calm and stress free. All that increased blood flow is actually good for our organs and circulatory system because it increases the supply of oxygen to our cells. Additionally, regular orgasms have been linked to sleeping better, and getting more sleep also helps to relieve stress.

Interesting, huh? There is some validity in assuming that those angry, bitter, uptight people just need some good sex to relieve that tension. Do a mom, stepmom, or divorced mom a favor by including a special “toy” in her stocking this year. It will not only do her some good, but it just might help the overall relationships in your modern family as well. After all, it’s much easier dealing with people who are less stressed.

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Mother or Monster-in-law

December 20, 2009 By 3 Comments

motherinlawAhhhh, yes, the Mother-In-Law. To some this title brings up a negative connotation. To others it brings up very positive feelings. Unlike your own parents, who you are stuck with whether you like them or not, you sort of have a choice, per say, when it comes to your Mother-In-Law.

Overbearing, nosy, controlling, set in her ways, rude, etc. are just some words I have heard many describe their Mother-In-Laws. Unfortunately, people have a very hard time accepting their spouses’ mother into their family and vice versa. You think when you find “the one” and get married that it is all happy times from there on out. It should be but there are so many factors that go into a marriage and into getting along with your Mother-In-Law.

We all choose our partners, so in a way we are choosing their families as well. There are parts of us (good or bad) that do reflect the people who raised us. As the choosing partner we have the choice to accept or decline the relationship based on many factors – one being how our potential partner interacts with their own family and what type of relationship they have with them. My mother always used to say to me that you can tell a lot about a man from how he treats his mother. This was a very useful tool throughout my dating years and I even escaped a few bums because of it.

I happen to be one of the lucky ones. I actually not only LIKE my Mother-In-Law but I truly love her. It has now been 11 years that I have been around, and 6 years that I’ve been married to her son. Our families are completely different and my husband and I were raised completely different as well. Yet, I am very close to my Mother-In-Law and I’ve learned a lot from her. Do I agree with her all the time? No. And she doesn’t always agree with me, but we still love each other.

There are some FACTS that you will always have to contend with in regards to your Mother-In-Law and they are as follows:
• She will always be the mother of your spouse
• She isn’t going anywhere
• If you have children she will always be their grandmother with rights
• She is your elder and should be treated in that manner

Some FACTS that your Mother-In-Law needs to know about you and your family:
• Her child married YOU and YOU are now in charge of your home and your children.
• There are boundaries that need to be set as in any relationship.
• You don’t have to disclose every single teeny tiny thing with her no matter how much she believes she is entitled.

There are many relationships between spouses and their In-Laws which are strained. The most important virtue to try and instill is mutual respect. You don’t always have to like what your Mother-In-Law does and she doesn’t have to like what you do or how you raise your children. BUT, you do have to agree to disagree and give one another mutual respect. Of course all situations are completely unique, and mutual respect only goes so far. If one or both parties feel that their families are in jeopardy due to negative feelings or negative actions from either party then professional help should be sought.

In most cases stepping back and analyzing why we feel a certain way and getting our words and thoughts together THEN having an adult discussion with that person usually helps to dissipate negativity and clear the air. It also assists in setting those boundaries which are so very important within your family.

Just remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

The mother-in-law in the modern family can be especially difficult to deal with for a variety of reasons.  Do you feel she likes the ex more than you? Does she come to your house bearing gifts for her biological grandchildren and not her step grandchildren? These are just some of the complaints that many voice.  What about you, BFSO readers? How well do you get along with your mother or monster-in-law? Drop a comment in the comment section.

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Kela and Diane Offer Holiday Tips for Divorced and Remarried Parents

December 18, 2009 By 2 Comments

familychristmasDiane says…

Christmas is a time of celebration, right?  It’s no secret that challenges can be bountiful during the holidays for the modern family but if you are willing to leave the bitterness behind and put forth a little extra effort, you can cope and survive through each holiday season with the co-parent(s) in your modern family.  Of course accomplishing this is no easy task but once you get there, the reward is definitely worth the effort.  Not to mention, the most important outcome is when you get to watch and enjoy the happiness of your children that Christmas brings out in all of them.  In every family there are challenges, but meeting in the middle instead of power struggling with your co-parent is one way to resolve unnecessary conflict.  I cannot emphasize enough that in order to avoid conflict, you need to plan ahead.  For example, if you and your co-parent split Christmas Day, don’t wait until the last minute or the day before to decide when your child will share time with his/her other parent and then arbitrarily think that your plan is going to sit well with your co-parent.  On the other hand, if you are the non-custodial parent and you know that there is a special tradition that the custodial parent and your child enjoys every year together – do your best to work around it — it’s called teamwork.  For those of you that absolutely find your panties in a bunch every holiday over the same issues, or if you just happen to work best by the sticking to the court order, then by all means that is always the safest way to navigate the holidays.  Stick to the court order!

Kela says…

In addition to the many challenges that divorced parents face during the holiday season, remarried couples also have their fair share. Competition over which biological set of children in the house receives the most can be a factor. Who’s going to buy what is another. Some couples choose to combine their finances and allot a certain amount for each kid no matter who they biologically belong to. Others choose to keep things separate by buying Christmas gifts for their respective children with their ex-spouses (the biological parents).

Scheduling can also present a problem for the remarried couple, especially when they both come into the marriage with children. Detailing the arrangements regarding what time and how much each set of children will spend with their non-custodial parents, making time for you all to spend together as a newly formed family and visiting both sets of in-laws and/or extended family members can often times seem like an extreme sport. During this time of year it’s important to maintain realistic expectations, realizing that stepfamilies cannot operate as first families do. While it’s important that you make time to gel as a stepfamily, it’s not crucial that you do so on Christmas day. Many stepfamilies elect to spend the day before or after Christmas opening a few presents and developing new family traditions together. It all depends on what works for your unique family situation and every modern family is indeed unique.

Coping through this season with your co-parent and/or remarried spouse isn’t as hard as it seems if you both make the effort to show mutual respect, give and take a little on both sides and take into consideration each others’ feelings in order to enjoy the wonder and happiness of Christmas.

What about you BFSO readers? What are some of the unique challenges that you face with your ex-spouse and/or spouse during the Christmas season? How do you deal with those challenges?

Happy Holidays,

Kela and Diane

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Holiday Parenting Time

December 18, 2009 By 2 Comments

momdaugtherxmastree1Pull out the file, blow off the dust and let’s get it started.  During the holidays, many a court order have been pulled out of the dusty file folders they call home and referred to because holiday parenting schedules always seem to conflict.  Parents become monsters during the holidays and children inevitably get stretched like a rubber band between the two of them.  Albeit, a lot of non-custodial parents have no idea that in every custody/visitation order, there is usually a holiday parenting schedule.  Some are notated with language such as “as per the Michigan state guideline, etc.”  In our state, it is posted on our Secretary of State’s website for anyone to obtain if need be.  It describes in detail other breaks as well such as Summer, Spring and Fall.

During the holidays, another issue that has parents in conflict at times is the issue of religion.  Although most parents agree on the issue of religion, there are still those that do not.  This issue becomes sticky when one parent is exercising his/her visitation during the holidays and is asked by the other parent  for permission to interrupt their visitation time in order to take their child to a special service, play or choir concert.  Should the other parent exercising visitation concede during their visitation time to allow the other parent to attend with the child?  In Indiana, a case just like this was just heard by the Indiana Court of Appeals.  In their decision, the court indicated that whether the child must attend services is the prerogative of the parent exercising parenting time.  In other words, no, the parent is not required to take the child to services, or allow the other parent to interrupt his/her parenting time to take the child to services (Source: www.indianadivorceblog.com).

In Michigan, holiday parenting time is made very clear.  Both parents’ individual holiday and break times are spelled out in either even or odd years and are very specific and well written, even down to weekly/daily telephone contact.  (Source:  Michigan Parenting Time Guideline).  In Ohio, different counties have different guidelines and these guidelines are usually attached when the original custody/visitation order is made.  When orders are spelled out in this manner, it makes for far less drama and conflict during special times of the year.

To avoid stress during these festive times, make your plans ahead of time and discuss same with your co-parent(s).  Do your best to be flexible (this goes both ways), you don’t have to control everything!  Feel free and let go.  Remember, your child loves both of you.  Encourage them to have fun and to enjoy their time away.  Lastly, to alleviate unnecessary stress, take one another’s religious beliefs and traditions into consideration before the start of the holidays.  Discuss them ahead of time so it doesn’t have to be an issue.  It’s about mutual respect.

Remember, one goal to good parenting is ensuring that you are reserving your time for your child, whether you are the custodial or non-custodial parent.  Your time is precious to your precious one.  It is your responsibility and most certainly in the best interest of the child you share together.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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The Hidden Truth: A Father’s Journey-Part 1

December 17, 2009 By Leave a Comment

 In Part 1 of my article on bi-sexual fathers, I will be discussing the effects of being a bi-sexual father has on the children involved in their lives.  I will also be discussing a few of the issues gay fathers often face including stigmas, myths and prejudices in our society.  In Part 2 of my article, I will be interviewing a young man who has recently made an unremarkable journey in his life, realizing and coming to terms with the fact that he is bi-sexual.  He is a young father of two and an amazing, gifted young man.

In America, it wasn’t until the 1990′s that the gay community made a major appearance in our society.  Before then, gay men and lesbian women stayed “in the closet” because of the stigmas that society placed upon them.  Courts were reluctant to place children in the care of their father if he was gay even though research had shown that being gay had little or no effect on the development of a child’s identity.  Today, a lot has changed.  More and more gay men are adopting children and are even using surrogate mothers to have biological children.  There are thousands of gay men who have stepped up to the plate and are fostering children as well.

Unfortunately, a lot of people still feel that having a gay parent alienates a child’s ability to have a productive social experience and life.  However, as reported in USA Today, research has shown that gay parents who are open with their children about their sexual orientation, who exhibit mentally healthy behavior and provide supportive communities for their kids, tend to have the most resilient youngsters.

In the past, society pretty much ran homosexual or bi-sexual people through the wringer and placed unfair stereotypes upon them.  For example, one standing myth that has frequently reared its ugly head is that if a man is gay, he has to be a child molester because of his same sex attraction even though all the evidence, research and statistics prove that most crimes committed against children are committed by heterosexuals.  Another myth is the one in which I discussed above.  If you are a gay man, you will produce gay children.  Absolutely false.  There is a fabulous book that I am reading entitled Gay Fathers written by Robert Barrett and Bryan Robinson.  In the book, the authors list these additional myths about gay fathers:

·         Disturbed parental relationships myth:  Homosexuals, including gay fathers, have disturbed parental relationships (i.e., cold, rejecting fathers and emotionally smothering mothers);

·         Harassment exposure myth:  Gay fathers expose their children to harassment and embarrassment because of societal disapproval;

·         Sex-fiend myth:  The main goal in life for a gay father is primarily that of sexual gratification.

These are just a few of the myths listed in the book, but some of the most stunning in my opinion.  The truth of the matter is just as there are great heterosexual fathers, there are also great fathers that happen to be either bi-sexual or homosexual as well.  Just like there are bad heterosexual fathers, I am sure there are some homosexual fathers that fall into that same category.  Passing judgment on a gay man’s ability to be a good father just because he is gay or bi-sexual is not only unfair, but despicable.

In all types of families, children will have different experiences.  Children who have gay fathers will excel in life with the same opportunities that a child from a nuclear family will have.  Actually, children who have a gay or lesbian parent usually end up being more socially aware as teenagers and young adults.  They become more socially conscientious to the needs of people who are disadvantaged due to unfair prejudices, stereotypes and stigmas.  A child raised in an alternative marriage environment can be just as emotionally stable as a child who is raised by his mother and father in a traditional marriage.  As long as there is a supportive and loving environment, any child will excel.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of this article.  If you are a family in need of help on this topic, I highly suggest you pick up a copy of Gay Fathers by Messrs. Barret and Robinson at your local library.  It is an amazing, encouraging book and one that I will read again.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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