Establishing expectations between the stepmother and divorced mother

Recently, I posted an article written by author and stepmom, Wednesday Martin, entitled; Ex-Wives, What Your Child’s Stepmother Wants You to Know. Jennifer Newcomb Marine, co-author of No One’s The Bitch, wrote this, What The Divorced Mom Has to Say, in response to Martin and other stepmothers. After thoroughly reading, dissecting and digesting both of these articles and their subsequent comments, I discovered what I and most of us already know. Both the stepmother and divorced mom, along with everyone else in the modern family, is trying to adjust to this new type of family. Both want to be respected and not demonized for their respective roles, and both want a little understanding along the way. That much is clear and has been for awhile now.

Ex-wives and wives have spent so much time focusing on the obvious. We both know that adjusting to divorce, remarriage and the modern family is difficult, especially if we live through it each day. We can even empathize and relate to what each other is going through, but focusing on this issue clearly doesn’t lead to solutions.

There have been plenty of books, articles, blog posts, and discussions on understanding each others’ pain, but continually focusing on the obvious only makes each side feel more angry and entitled. As a matter of fact, while reading many of the comments from both articles, women admitted or it was implied in the tone of their comment, that they were angry about what each other had to say. The divorced moms were shouting that it wasn’t easy sharing their children with the stepmom, and they wanted to be cut some slack. The stepmoms were saying that it wasn’t easy for them either and they would like a little understanding as well. If you’re a divorced mom and /or a stepmom, then you’ve probably heard this or something similar before. My question is; now that we’ve heard both sides of the story, over and over again, what do we do with this information?

Anytime I sit down with an ex-wife and wife, who are clearly both committed to making it work, because they both have approached me for help, they both want to vent their sides of the story. And often times, it sounds just like the articles mentioned above and their subsequent comments. “I feel this way and you need to understand, cut me slack and empathize with me.” My question to them is always, what does that mean? What does it look like? When you say you want me to cut you some slack and understand where you’re coming from, what is it that you want me to do?

Divorced Mom

When you say you want me to cut you some slack and empathize with you, does that mean you want stepmom to allow you to be intrusive? Does that mean she should be okay with you encouraging, no matter how discretely, your children to dislike her because you feel threatened? Does that mean that she should invite you to holiday dinners or to go on vacation with her because that’s what YOU, not necessarily your children, want? Does empathizing with you mean that you can continue to act out because the divorce isn’t easy for you?

Stepmothers

What does this understanding look like for you? Does it mean that you get to treat the divorced mom’s children/ your husband’s children, like they are sloppy seconds because you don’t love them like your own? Does it mean that you get to refuse to even slightly communicate with the divorced mom because you feel as if you shouldn’t have to co-parent with her to a certain extent?

When asked those set of questions, the conversation begins to get more productive because it talks about what both parties expect instead of solely focusing on how they feel. One way (let’s just talk about how we feel) allows us to continually beat a dead horse and spin our wheels, and the other way (what do we expect from each other), allows us to focus on solutions to a problem that largely contributes to the modern family’s inability to peacefully coexist.

After expectations comes acceptance. Both parties must accept the fact that things are going to be a certain way. The divorced mom must respect and accept that she cannot come to holiday dinners or expect her ex-husband to fix her kitchen sink, if it’s not okay with the stepmother. Why? Because she is married to your ex-husband now and that marriage must be respected. She is not the second wife that your husband took on in his concubine, and therefore she must share him with you. He has one wife and she would like to create special holiday traditions and memories with her new family that are separate from you. Just like you wouldn’t have welcomed an ex-girlfriend or another woman into your marriage when you were married to him. The stepmother understands that you will share some level of interaction concerning the kids. She knows that you will be at extra curricular activities, school plays and attend parent teacher conferences, but everything she does with her husband and your children is not up for debate.

Stepmothers you must accept that the ex-wife needs to communicate with your husband. Yes, she is going to need to call him on a regular basis. They may need to discuss child support, modified visitation arrangements, school issues and other issues pertaining to the kids. Additionally, you must accept that you will even have to communicate with her from time to time. Whether it’s during drop off and pick up, or phone call that you happen to pick up when she calls. You must also accept that your presence isn’t required at every single thing either, just because you are his wife. For example, it might be best to allow the biological parents to attend the parent teacher conferences and allow your husband to inform you of anything that you need to be made aware of.

Overall, both parties must realize that while they are entitled to certain feelings, the actions that follow aren’t always appropriate, acceptable or helpful to anyone in the modern family, including the children. We must learn to be in charge of our own feelings, form realistic expectations of each other, respect each others’ respective positions in the modern family and accept our reality. Our reality is that neither of us are going anywhere anytime soon. Divorced mom, you have to accept and respect that stepmom is the wife now and lady of her house. And stepmom, you have to accept and respect that divorced mom is the mother of your husband’s children…period. Just remember that “acceptance of what has happened is the first, most profound step of overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.”

BFSO readers, we want to hear your opinions on the matter. Stepmothers and divorced mothers, what are your expectations of each other? Have you clearly thought about them? Are they realistic? Are they what’s best for your children and not just YOU? Let us know by chiming in on the discussion.

Living Together Before Marriage

Would you buy a car before taking it on a test drive or before doing your research only then to find out that it had been on the recall list?  Some people feel the same way about marriage.  They want to test the waters before taking the dive!  In the United States alone, 4.85 million couples live together.  In today’s society, most people agree with living together before marriage and they have great reasons for their argument.  For example, some of the reasons people decide to cohabitate may include financial convenience, fear of commitment and for discernment.  For example, one party might have grown up as a child of divorce and therefore may feel that they want to “test the waters” before taking the plunge — they want to evaluate their realtionship first.   

However, for all of those 4.85 million couples living together, there are some people who feel the exact opposite. Back in 1987 when I was pregnant with my first son (being unmarried at the time and thinking about moving in with my son’s father), my mother said to me…”Ain’t no one shacking up in my house.”  When I asked for her explanation, she said “why buy the cow if the milk is free.”  People of the baby boom generation pretty much were raised to believe that living together before marriage was unacceptable.  Often times, people who wanted to cohabitate before marriage found it hard to find someone to rent them an apartment.  It was considered taboo.  Sometimes you went through a very long courtship, you got engaged for a few years and then you got married.

Some researchers tend to agree along those lines.  Those researchers believe the idea of cohabitation before marriage is a bad idea.  That it actually increases your chances of divorce after marriage.  One reason suggested is because living together before marriage may decrease the level of commitment that a partner has to his/her spouse once they are married and has even led to a higher risk of marital infidelity.  It has also been suggested that cohabitation for financial reasons such as saving money separately turns into a disaster after marriage because financial problems are at the top of the priority list of reasons for divorce.

So, to answer the question above, yes, it obviously makes sense to drive the car before you buy it but the parallel to that is to show regard for the sanctity of marriage, you have to know what or who you really want in life first and then take time to grow your relationship.  This step is often overlooked by people who rush into living together first.

BFSO readers, I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject.  Feel free to jump right in on this conversation.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Ex-wives, what your child’s stepmother wants you to know

The ever so intelligent and outspoken author, Wednesday Martin, recently did a guest post on www.noonesthebitch.com. The post was a letter to ex-wives, telling them what their child’s stepmother wants them to know. With Wednesday’s permission, I have re-posted it below. Please let us know what you think.

It’s not easy to feel judged and misunderstood

You likely feel, especially if you’re unpartnered, that the deck is stacked against you, that it’s me and your ex against you. From my perspective, I’m perceived as a wicked stepmother and a homewrecker even when I’m not, no matter how hard I try and how nice I am. Being the fall guy when I’m trying so hard takes a toll on me. And while you might feel shut out, I wrestle with the knowledge that I’m not and never will be “first.” We’re both struggling, you and I.

Your child isn’t perfect

Do you find yourself thinking of me as a rigid control freak? Too harsh or strict toward your kids? If that’s the case, ask yourself what role you and your ex may play here by being permissive, indulgent parents post-divorce. I might have to tow the line in my home because you two are afraid to, or can’t be bothered, or feel too guilty to parent effectively, since you “put the kids through a divorce.”

Have you told your kids it’s okay to like me, let them know it’s imperative to at least be civil and polite to me? Or do you secretly like that they don’t like their stepmom, that they’re disrespectful and rude, even hostile, toward me? Does that arrangement make you feel better, more secure?

What am I up against here that’s any harder than what you’re up against? you’re wondering. For starters, kids of any age resent getting a stepmom way more than they resent getting a stepdad. For a long time, too. And while plenty of kids of divorce do just fine, they are twice as likely to have serious emotional and social problems as kids from intact homes. Remember that when it comes to adolescence, I don’t have the foundation you and your husband do to tolerate all the drama, sullenness, and more. At some point, if your kids are rude to me and I am rebuffed enough, I may withdraw to preserve my dignity. Think about that next time you’re about to tell a friend that I’m “cold” to your kids.

I don’t want to be friends with you, do holidays together, or vacation together

And I’m a little tired of all the pressure I’m feeling from people who haven’t a clue that I “should” want to do, and be doing, just that. We can have a parenting coalition that works. I welcome that, and I welcome civility and friendliness. But if I’m like most women with stepkids, it just doesn’t feel appropriate to me to be close to you. My loyalty is to my husband. I want to get stepmothering right for his sake. Beyond that, I don’t want to feel pressured to be pals with you. I already have pals. So please don’t take offense that I’d like us to be friendly enough, but not necessarily friends.

I don’t love your kids just like my own, just like they don’t love me like they love you!

There’s way too much pressure on women with stepkids to “draw no distinctions” between their own kids and their stepkids. And it flies in the face not only of research findings about what stepfamily “success” actually is, but common sense as well. I might really like your kids, love them even and come to feel extremely close to them one day. But I might not.  Can you blame me, given all the stepmother hatred out there, and given the very real fact of kids resenting getting a stepmother? There’s a whole range of “normal” here, a whole spectrum of stepmother involvement. They have you and their dad. So please, don’t expect me to “love them just as if they’re my own” while also expecting me to follow the sacred directive, “Don’t ever try to replace their mom.” Especially if I have my own kids, as likeable and great as your kids are, they’re not mine, I’m not theirs, and it’s okay for me to just be a supportive ally.

I’m not your husband’s “new wife.” I’m his wife. You’re his ex-wife.

It’s that simple. When you ask him to do chores, come over for dinner or do holidays at your place “for the kids’ sake,” you’re being disrespectful of our partnership. Yes, you are. Please respect my marriage and have healthy boundaries. This includes not putting your ex in-laws in a loyalty bind or using the kids as leverage (“You won’t see your grandkids if you spend time over there with your son and his new wife”).

I promise to play nice if you do.

Most women with stepkids really want to get it right, and try very hard in the face of significant challenges. Getting along would be the best outcome for everyone. I know that, and so do you.

About Wednesday Martin

Wednesday Martin is the author of the highly recommended and surprisingly honest book, Stepmonster. In it, she tells the truth about being a stepmom, backed by solid research and personal experiences. Wednesday Martin has worked as writer and social researcher in New York City for almost two decades. She has been a stepmother for nine years and lives in New York City with her husband and their two sons. Please visit www.wednesdaymartin.com to learn more.

Tweens/Teens and Sexting

In March, 2009, USA Today reported that more than 2 dozen teens in more than 6 states were investigated on porn charges for sending nude pictures of themselves over their cell phones in this new phenomenon called “sexting.”  In April 2009, Good Morning America also reported that tweens as young as 12, who aren’t yet sexually active, are sending sexually explict, pornographic images to their peers.  The article went on to say that tweens too young to wear bras are posing topless or actually engaged in masturbation in these images.  These are frightening statistics. 

Sexting is a huge problem.  It has become the “cool” thing to do with tweens and teens.  One 14 year-old girl in the article when asked why she sent nude pictures of herself to a boy said “I felt like there was love that I never had…it really didn’t register in my mind what I was doing.”  Needless to say, after breaking up with the boy, her pictures mysteriously made their rounds through the school and another boy ended up with it and then forwarded it on to the girl’s mother.  When the girl asked the boy why he sent the picture out to others, his response was “you should have never broken up with me.”     

The issue of sexting has become so huge that people who forward pornographic images of minors are being prosecuted.  They should be! Moreover, today’s technology makes it easier and easier for these types of situations to occur.  Parents are having a much harder time controlling what their children put on the internet, what they participate in and what they see on not just the internet but on their cell phones as well.  More and more children have Facebook and Myspace pages and safety has become a huge issue for parents. I don’t care how much control one would argue that I have, I absolutely refuse to allow my 11 year old to have a Facebook, Myspace or any other social network  page.  When asked recently, my answer as you can imagine was “Absolutely NOT!”  But in today’s society, it is absolutely accepted.

The article gave some great tips from Cybersecurity Expert, Parry Aftab.  Here are 5 of them:

1.  Find your children’s profile.  Most children have more than one, but find them and scour their profiles online.   

2.  Tailor the profile to fit your child’s needs.  You can make sure no personal information is accessible..  According to Aftab, knowing why your child is online will help you guide them and to make sure they are not taking any unnecessary risks.

3.  Follow the 4 “P’s.”  Don’t let your child post anything that Parents, Principals, Predators or the Police shouldn’t see.   Everyone is looking and what you post on the internet stays forever.

4.  Snoop on your children.  You’re allowed to do that.  Look at their profiles and that of their friends.   Note from Diane:  I always say to my boys…”tell me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are.”  They hate this saying, but I pound it into their heads and usually, they end up finding out that I am right. 

5.  Use privacy settings.  Make sure your children use the most restrictive privacy settings available.  Aftab also suggests that children 13 and younger should not be using social networking sites at all.  The sites are illegal for children of that age and are just plain too dangerous for them to be on. 

BINGO!  My sentiments exactly. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Gisele and Tom Brady welcome a baby boy!

Credit: Kevin Mazur/wireimage.com

On Wednesday,  New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady, announced that he and his wife, model Gisele Bundchen welcomed a baby boy who has yet to be named.

Brady, 32, announced the birth at a press conference calling it “a wonderful experience in life” and said that mom and baby are doing fine.

Gisele, 29, gave birth with a few of her sisters and her mother at her bedside. Their new son joins half sibling, John, whom Brady shares with his ex, actress, Bridget Moynahan.

Let’s hope that ex and wife have patched up any differences in order to ensure that these brothers have a close relationship. BFSO wishes them all the best of luck!

The name game in the modern family

Last names have traditionally been the way that people identify who belongs together in a family. For example, when you send out a family Christmas card, it is likely signed “The Johnson’s” instead of listing everyone in the family. For a nuclear family this is not a problem as everyone shares the same last name. But, for the bi-nuclear or modern family this can be a huge issue because there are likely at least 2 different last names within the family.

What you call yourselves as a family and how people refer to you as a family greatly impacts your children, who are constantly trying to figure out where they belong in the modern family. For some children, they feel as if they don’t belong to anyone in their household because one of their parents with whom they share a strong bond has changed her last name, due to remarriage, and the other doesn’t live in the household. For other children, the parent with whom they share a last name may be deceased or uninvolved in their lives. This can leave children feeling lost in world of changing houses and last names and no sense of belonging. Many decide to change their own last name in order to feel like they fit into the family they reside with. They might do this by telling people their new last name and/or writing it on school papers. It’s more about trying to find a place to belong than about a last name.

So the question is – how does this type of family identify themselves so that everyone feels apart of the family and the family can begin to establish their family identity? What do you call yourselves and how do you train others to refer to you in this manner? Some families choose to name themselves according to their address, such as  the Robinson Drive Family. Others choose to hyphenate their family name, such as the Johnson-Smith Family. In my case, my son chose to hyphenate his name on his own by signing his papers with my new last name and his biological father’s last name. This allows him to feel connected to his bonus father, with whom he shares a close bond as well as myself and any siblings that my husband and I have. At the same time, it allows him to remain connected to his father, his wife and their children as well. This works for us, but it’s important to find something that works for your modern family.

Once you do decide on what your modern family name will be, it’s important to subtly train or overtly inform others of how you’d like them to refer to your family. You can do this by signing your new name on birthday, Christmas, or Get Well cards; or you can correct people anytime they refer to the family name that excludes any of your family members.

As stated earlier, traditionally the last name was used to identify who belongs with whom, and traditionally only one last name was used. However, with over half of all U.S. families involving a couple who is recoupled or remarried in some way, and his, her and/or their children, it’s time to create a new societal norm for the modern family.

Single Parenting Can Be Challenging and Triumphant

“More than half of the children in the US will live, for some time, in a single-parent household.”
Dr. Benjamin Spock

In today’s society, living in a two parent home is like being on the endangered species list.  As Dr. Spock said, more than half of all the children in the United States live or have lived in a single-parent household.  I remember growing up being raised by my single-mother in the late 70′s and early 80′s and I thought I was the “only one” at times.  All of my classmates’ parents were married.  I was also a single mother for years so I have walked in the same shoes some of you readers are walking in right now.  It’s not an easy road to travel.   However, for all the pitfalls that can be experienced during single parenthood, there are many success stories and triumphs as well.  One of the triumphs that I personally experienced as a single mother was that I found out that I am a very strong person.  I found out that I could handle a lot more than I initially thought I could.  I became very self-reliant and less co-dependent on others.  Many times, I discovered that I had more strength than I ever gave myself credit for.  Looking back now, I think, those times were tough, but we made it.  I accepted the challenges and I grew through them.

One of the main struggles single parents deal with is financial stability.  This can be one of the most difficult.  What I found is that during times like these, you have quickly learn to be resourceful.   You have to learn to be the provider for your children, the carpenter, the electrician, the cook, the banker, the auto mechanic, the grocer and mom or dad all at the same time because you can’t afford to pay anyone to do anything extra.  A lot of the times, some single parents do all of these things on one income and don’t get any child support.  Talk about stress.

Through all of the challenges that single parenthood can bring, you can be successful, no matter the stigma of society.  Although, obviously, a two-parent home is divine and was the original plan, life doesn’t always work out the way we plan.  You can have success being a single parent and I have seen many very inspiring children become extremely intelligent, responsible and well rounded adults who were raised by a single mother or father.  Those children learned to be independent.  They learned early on that learning to deal with strife is part of life’s learning process and it’s how you get through those challenges that make the difference.  They learned to take responsibility for their actions and solve their problems through self-reliance.

If you are a new single parent, here are a few tips that you might find helpful:

1.  Take care of yourself.  Talk to other single parents.  When times are tough, it is easy to get caught up in all of the problems.  You become stressed out and my philosophy on this is “when mama or daddy ain’t happy, nobody’s happy!”  Take time to refresh yourself once in a while.  Even if that means you have to enlist your parents or siblings to watch the children and you have a day to yourself in your own apartment.  Give yourself that time.

2.  Be a good example. Make sure your values always exemplify how you want your children to see you and what you want them to grow up to teach their children.

3.  Do not alienate the other parent.  This never works.  It actually has the opposite effect in the long run.  Make sure you keep your personal feelings for your ex or your children’s father or mother out of your decision making regarding your children’s relationship with him/her.

4.  Make a budget and stick to it.  This is the most stressful situation for a single parent.  Make a budget (go online – there are plenty of them for free) and stick to it.  This is imperative and will reduce your stress.

5.  Avoid negative labels.  Keep your head up.  Do not allow the stigma that society places on you change who you are.  You are strong, you will get through this time in life.

None of the above tips are always easy to stick by, but you will be glad you did.  Simply put, being a single-parent is hard but despite problems, you can achieve a closeness with your children that will never be broken.  During the process, you might get a little grayer (hair that is) but you will definitely come out of the situation a wiser and stronger person for it.  I know I did.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Co-Parenting Myths

Co-parenting can be a very contentious and stressful situation for divorced parents and step-parents if approached from an unrealistic standpoint. Many co-parents fail because: 1) one or all of the parents involved have an unrealistic idea of how things should be and 2) when those unrealistic ideas and expectations fall through, they give up, assuming that the whole thing won’t work and choose bitterness and hatred instead of effective communication and co-parenting.

The key to effective co-parenting is establishing realistic expectations and healthy boundaries from the very beginning, and to go slow and allow the relationships to organically evolve instead of forcing the issue of everyone being friends and one big happy family. Below are some co-parenting myths that may help struggling co-parents put it all into perspective.

Myth # 1: We all have to be best friends who vacation together and have dinner together once a week.

Although I applaud every blended family who is able to vacation together, share holiday dinners together and overall, merge as one big happy family, I want those who aren’t able to or have no desire to do so, to know that they ARE NOT failures if they don’t accomplish this task. It is okay and completely possible to not be totally engulfed in your ex-spouse’s and his new spouse’s lives, yet work together to raise your child. You can communicate effectively, not subject your child to conflict and make decisions together without doing everything else together as well. By that same token, you can still get along and even be friendly without sharing holidays, weekly dinners or vacationing together, so don’t believe this new found hype of every blended family having to do everything together in order for the kids to be emotionally healthy. It’s not true! More importantly, it is important to know that no relationship, especially blended family relationships, happen by force. If accomplishing this task is your desire, allow it to organically happen and know that it takes TIME, often times years, before it genuinely happens.

Myth #2: We all have to hate each other!

Just like everyone in the blended family doesn’t have to be best friends, you don’t have to hate each other either. Society and the media convinces us to believe that getting along with our ex-spouses and their new spouses is some sort of weird thing that needs to be studied by scientists and researchers. It’s not weird if we can all minimize conflict, do our best to compromise, get along and yes, even like each other. It doesn’t mean that we have to be best friends and do everything together or that anyone desires to be back with their ex-spouse. It just means that we’re committed to handling our respective emotional baggage as a result of the divorce, and not allow it to interfere with working together to do what’s best for our child.

Myth #3: The ex-wife and wife must be best friends in order for it to work.

Most people think that the harmony of the blended family has to revolve around the ex-wife and wife being the best of friends. They think it simply won’t work if she and I aren’t the primary parents in the family; meaning, we have to talk about scheduling, visitation and child support together because WE are the only ones raising the kids. My question to them is; where is dad in this co-parenting equation? While it’s true that you don’t have to hate each other and it’s unhealthy to do so, you don’t have to be best friends, share slumber parties and spa dates and exclude dad from parenting responsibilities for it to work either, and that extreme can be just as unhealthy. As a matter of fact, in my experience and the experience of many co-parents that I’ve spoken with, dad often feels excluded when ex-wife and wife operate this way. I encourage co-parents to leave initial discussions about visitation, school plays, parent teacher conferences, child support, etc. to the biological parents. Now this doesn’t mean that the step-parents are totally excluded, but it is the responsibility of his or her spouse to include him or her in those decisions, not the ex-spouses. This way minimizes confusion, resentment and establishes healthy boundaries!

Myth #4: If we have arguments or disagreements along the way, we’re not good co-parents.

If you argue with your spouse, which we ALL do from time to time, what makes you think you’re never going to argue or you’re always going to agree with your ex-spouse and/or his or her new spouse?  Arguments and conflict, in any type of family, is inevitable, but it doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to a life of hatred and vengeful thinking due to one or even several arguments. People argue and that’s okay. It’s what you do afterward that’s important. Do you stew over it, and allow it to prevent you from moving forward, or do your best to compromise, let it go and move on?

Myth # 5: Good co-parents always find a way to agree on everything.

Although it is healthy for everyone to do their best to find a solution to an issue and compromise, it’s equally important to realize that sometimes everyone won’t agree, and won’t be happy with the final decision. Simply put, everyone is NOT going to agree all the time! That is an unrealistic expectation that often times sets co-parents up for failure. During the times when co-parents can’t agree it’s helpful to defer to the court order or seek the help of a third party (stepfamily counselor, mediator or judge) to assist you with achieving some sort of consensus. But again, what’s important is how you recover from these types of situations. Do you use your child as a pawn in a chess game because you didn’t get your way? Do you hold a grudge indefinitely? Do you refuse to communicate because she (his wife) took your ex-husband’s side? Do you allow it to totally trivialize the hard work you’ve put into being good co-parents up to that point? Or do you simply recognize it as a argument or something that you just couldn’t agree on and move on? Just remember, it’s not the arguments that make or break a blended family but it’s how you recover from those stressful times.

The Blame Game!

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny…Albert Ellis – 1913

The quote written above is very powerful.  Although Mr. Ellis refers to placing blame on various people, his words are priceless and can be applied to any family whether that be modern or nuclear.

In her prior posts, Kela often talks about “checking your own baggage before you get on the plane!”  I will admit, I have had to do this once or twice myself in the past.  With that being said, when it comes to your own personal situation, it is unfortunately easier said than done to leave blame out of your life and definitely out of your conversations with the person with whom you are experiencing an issue with (i.e., your ex-spouse, your child’s step-parent, your spouse’s ex and even with your own spouse).  Most people come into relationships with baggage and often times they use that baggage as an excuse to justify placing blame on another person because of their own personal issues.  Not only is this unfair to the person you are placing blame on, it is also unfair to yourself.

Working in the legal business and living my own modern family life, I, myself often talk to women and men who are experiencing hardships with the ex or I am told a story by a woman who hates her husband’s ex-wife (and vice verse), etc.  What’s funny is, after lending an listening ear, I come to realize that most of their reasons for blame are usually more about they themselves than about the other person they are blaming.  They refused to check their own baggage before getting on the plane!  Acknowledging your own faults first will help you to communicate more effectively with every member of your modern family.

Keeping blame out of your conversation and your situation isn’t an easy task.  One great way to communicate through a problem is instead of starting the conversation off with the word “You,” use the word “I.”  Using the word “I” is a very powerful tool.   When you address someone with the word “You,” the message you are sending to the other person is “get ready, put your guard up.”  You will automatically create a defensive response from the other person.  The result–ineffective resolution.  Now, at this point, not only are both parties upset, but offended as well.  All that you originally set out to accomplish has been ruined.  By using “I” statements at the beginning of a discussion, you are showing the other party that you are not all about placing blame but that you are able to understand and reflect their feelings so not to cause further conflict.  Using “I” statements instead of immediately placing blame is in essence “checking your own baggage.”

Being capable of validating and acknowledging your own faults is very liberating and leads to more effective problem solving of the issues.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Stress-Free Holiday Tips for the Modern Family

Just the word “Holidays” can cause stress in and of itself. Mix in the blended family and instead of having “Tis the Season,” you have “Tis the Stress.”

The holidays often causes chaos between ex-spouses because schedules and calendars clash, communication stalemates and overall frustrations become overwhelming not only for parents but especially for the children involved. Children tend to feel guilt for the parent that they do not get to spend the holidays with that year and they are often shifted and shuffled around traveling so much during this season due to so much hyper-calendaring, that they end up not actually enjoying their holiday time at all like they should.

With ex-spouses, just the question of where their child is to spend Christmas Eve and morning can cause major stress. Some non-custodial parents feel as if the custodial parent naturally assumes that he/she should always have the first right to those special dates and custodial parents often find it very hard to accept that their children will be away from them during the holidays because they are with them most of the year and it just seems un-natural to them.

There are several ways to avoid these stress filled situations during the holidays. Obviously, you have to set priorities on your childrens’ schedules to accommodate both parents and both parents need to take into consideration that they each love the child equally and want to spend quality holiday time as well with the child. Obviously, if your divorce decree or court order spells out your holiday visitation then that is the best way to handle discrepancies—stick to the order. If you and your ex-spouse have created your own sharing plan for the holidays and it works for the both of you and your child, then by all means, keep doing what works for all of you. But, if you are one of the many people who do not have a set holiday plan, here are a few tips to make things a bit easier:

1. Involve all parents/members in the calendaring events (i.e., church services, musical performances and plays, school events, etc.)

2. If you split the holidays with your ex-spouse, try to always remember that each one of you loves your child equally and wants to share equal time during this special time. Talk and communicate ahead of time. Do not wait until the last minute. Do your best not to argue about the other parent in the child’s presence.  Instead, go out of your way to let them know that he/she has 2 great parents that love them unconditionally and equally.

3.  Create traditions that include all members of your blended family within your household.  Traditions build bonds.

4.  Always have your step-children sign your family Christmas cards.  Never send them out without including their signature.

5.  Have realistic expectations.  Remember, money and gifts cannot buy love.  Having quality time builds bonds and strengthens love.  Not just during the holidays, but always.

6.  Incorporate your children and step-children’s ideas about new and old traditions and embrace their input.

7.  Find a good holiday routine and stick with it.  Children thrive on consistency.

No blended family is perfect and the holiday season, at times, can bring out the worst in people who are in traditional/nuclear families.  With that being said, it is understandable that the blended family will experience the same challenges and then some.  However, if you commit to having a “stress-free” holiday season while navigating through the same, I am certain you will find yourself more relaxed and better able to enjoy all of the peace and joy the holiday season brings us.

Happy Holidays,

Di

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