Negative Influences on Your Marriage

Ask yourself this question…”Do you allow outside friends, family members or even ex-partners/spouses influence your marriage or relationship?  At times during any relationship, we all have weak moments where we allow drama to dictate the trials in our lives. Unfortunately, during those same times, outside influences will always try to wedge themselves between our relationships with, at times, shady advice and cloudy guidance.

In some relationships, one of the biggest problems with outside influences can be a person’s own family.  Usually our parents and family feel that because they believe they always have our best interests at heart, they get the right to have an all access pass into our lives.  Often times, they push themselves too far into our personal relationships with our mates and with our children, even to the extent of trying to raise our children.  They want a say in every situation and every decision.  I have even heard of family members who have actually advised their loved one that it’s time to end their relationship or marriage.

With all that being said, however, one might ask where does the real fault lie in this situation?  My answer is simple.  If you allow these outside influences to be the deal breaker in your relationship then you, as an individual, are completely at fault.  If you personally allow an outside influence to become the demise of your relationship and you know for example that this particular person has their own personal issues and storms going on in their lives and further, you even know that they don’t really know what’s best for your family, then you have to personally take ownership for the stress this causes in your relationship.

One tip I like to give is to pay attention to the advice you get and who you get it from.  Always ask yourself…”Is the person from whom I am seeking advice telling me the truth, or simply what I want to hear?”  Also, just because a couple or person has been married for 25 years or in a steady relationship for a long period of time, doesn’t mean they are truly happy.  For example, do not allow your parents’ relationship to be an indicator as to how you should handle your marriage, children or relationship.  If someone really is committed to helping you, they wont enable you just because they love you.  They will let you handle your own personal problems and relationship.

Here are some tips to keep outside influences out of your relationships:

• Instead of communicating about your problems with others, rely on each other and communicate together.
• Only take advice from couples or people you personally know have a strong, successful relationship.  Or, in the alternative, seek a private counselor or pastor.
• Compromise until you find a solution.  Try to find a happy medium when conflicts arise.  It can’t always be your way or the highway.
• Surround yourselves with positive influences.
• Distance yourself from negative influences which cause conflict in your partnership.
• Understand your union.  There will always be challenging times in any relationship.  Communicating concerns, respecting and honoring your differences will allow you and your partner or spouse to understand one another, completely.

The most important people in your relationship are you and your partner.  Eliminating negative outside influences will not only rid you of unnecessary stress, it will strengthen the bond within your relationship by leaps and bounds.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Montel Williams - Bad Father or Parental Alienation?

Montell Williams II and Wyntergrace

Montel Williams’ two children say the talk show host, who tried to paint himself as a responsible and devoted father, has all but abandoned them amid a bitter custody battle.

“My dad is now like a stranger,” his 14-year-old daughter, Wyntergrace, tells the ‘New York Daily News’. “Everyone knows him as a great guy, but he’s not making the best choices as a parent.”

Williams, who won Emmys hosting his daytime show, currently hosts a radio show and sells a number of products for ‘Living Well’.

But, despite receiving over $18,000 a month in child support for the two of them, the kids say they are missing the emotional support they need.

“I wouldn’t say I really have a relationship with my dad,” she says. “He’s not in my life right now. It’s his choice. I eat every night. I’m comfortable, but I can’t say I have him as a father. There’s all this fighting over things that shouldn’t be a fight, like paying for my PSAT.”

Wyntergrace says she’s seen him four times in five years and their last meeting didn’t go well.

“He walked in already mad. He said he thought we were going to dinner, but my email clearly said we were going to see my therapist,” she explains. “It was intimidating. I was thinking, ‘Why should I talk if I’m just going to get yelled at?’”

In response to the story, Montel says he doesn’t want to get into it: “I love my children very much. I do not believe parenting is best done in a public forum and I will not comment on ongoing legal action involving my minor children.”

Montel and Grace Morley, who divorced in 2000, have joint custody, and have been engaged in a 10 year fight over the children. Morley wants full custody but the 53-year-old is refusing to give up his decision making power.

“He has been trying to go out to dinner with them, to call them, to speak to them. And he’s been unable to accomplish that at a reasonable level,”  his lawyer said, according to a transcript.

This story was first published by the NY Daily News.

My response to this story:

After supporting my husband through his battle, with his ex-wife, over their son for nearly a decade, I am never quick to believe the whole “the father abandoned his kids” story. I know that there is always more than one side to the story. It’s just that the custodial mom’s side is the one that is often told and sympathized with by the court system. Additionally, it’s unfortunate that the kids walk away from these type of situations with a tainted view of their father which is often based on half truths.

That being said,  let me point out some of the inconsistencies that I see in this story.

1. I know more than a few actual deadbeat fathers. These fathers have never supported their children. They walked away and didn’t look back. They have evaded the child support system and aren’t the least bit interested in financially or emotionally supporting their children. I know a few of  these fathers personally! Out of all of them, NONE have paid child support or engaged in a 10 year fight with their ex over anything. Why would a man battle over children that he has supposedly abandoned and doesn’t care about? What I have seen, however, are custodial moms who make it darn near impossible for a man to remain actively involved, but then complain that he’s not involved, and those fathers are the ones who have been fighting for years to remain even minimally involved in their children’s lives.
2. Those same deadbeat dads that I mentioned earlier don’t have or desire to have joint custody. They don’t refuse to give up their decision making power over kids they don’t care about.
3. I also don’t know fathers who supposedly abandon their children, but try to call them, speak to them or have dinner with them, but has been unable to at a reasonable level. BUT, I do know custodial moms who are completely unreasonable when it comes to the terms by which the father can see his children. For example, you can see them only if you come to my house and your wife is not around. Or, you can see them from 1-3pm, on a weekday, when she knows the father has to work. Williams’ lawyer is probably referring to similar terms when he alleges that he has been unable to see them at a reasonable level.

As I stated, there is always more than one side to these contentious ex-husband vs. ex-wife/mother vs father stories and the kids are often times caught in the middle. Additionally, they are left to draw their own conclusions, which are usually based on half truths or just plain lies. Dads in this situation usually try to protect their children by not revealing their side of the story, hoping that one day the truth will come out on its own. The problem is that these children have often endured years of mom’s story and begin to believe that it’s the whole truth and nothing but. And by the time dad has an opportunity to tell his story, when the kids are older, the kids often times, don’t want to hear it.

I hope that Montel Williams can work it out with his children. More importantly, I hope that Grace Morley supports their relationship because it is what’s best for them.

Advice for Single Divorced Moms

Single Divorced Mom and Actress, Nia Long

As a stepmother, I realize that we have very difficult positions in our stepfamilies. Many have been thoroughly discussed and explained right here on this blog. However, as a former single mother, I understand how difficult this position can be as well.

It is easy to lose yourself while going through a divorce or breakup while trying to raise a child simultaneously. As I’ve stated in earlier posts, the divorced mom has to keep going regardless. Finding the time to grieve the loss of a life she once knew and figuring out a way to move forward is a challenging task for the single divorced mom because she is often times the custodial parent.  She is responsible for the daily tasks involving the children and can’t stop for long periods of time to cry, scream and/or just collect herself. As a result, her emotions are often all over the place and she clings to what she feels like she has some control over - HER CHILDREN.  For a minute, let’s put ourselves in her shoes. Ex-husband gets more free time to grieve, to figure out his next move and to date. I realize that he’s a parent too, but let’s be honest; an every other weekend dad pales in comparison to the job of a full-time mom. On top of that, he has the nerve to demand when, where and for how long he can see children who she is primarily responsible for AND, don’t let him get a girlfriend or a wife, who is now on the other end putting in her demands as well. The nerve of these people trying to step in and tell her how to raise children that she’s had to give up her life and sacrifice so much for. Dad is clearly out having a life, while her time is limited because she has the kids most of the time.

I bet she’s thinking, “The nerve of these people.” “They should show me a little more respect as the woman who primarily cares for these children, instead of acting like my opinion doesn’t even count!” I certainly know that’s I initially felt this way as a single mother. It truly did feel like my ex and his wife were ganging up on me instead of working with me to raise our son.

As you can imagine I was initially really upset because the situation felt extremely unfair to me. But, then I started to look at the situation from a different point of view. I realized that my ex asking for more time to spend with our son could actually work to my benefit, duh! All along I had been complaining that while he got to run off and live his life, I was the one who had to sacrifice to be the full-time parent. Well giving him more uninterrupted time would give me more time! I’d be a fool to challenge that just because of my ego. As a result, I decided that he could have him whenever he wanted and our son could visit with him whenever and for how ever long he wanted to. I would not stand in their way because by doing so, I was standing in my way as well.

In a interview with Clutch Magazine, actress and divorced single mother, Nia Long said that she looks forward to her “Nia Time.” She went on to say that part of maintaining her peace of mind is making sure she carves out those moments for herself; moments to workout, take mini vacations or spend time with her girlfriends.  By doing so, she is able to return to her mommy duties refreshed and recharged, ready to do it all over again! She also encouraged single mothers to ask and accept help and expressed that her ex-husband is very involved in their 9 year old son’s life.

It’s important for the single divorced mom to get out there and get her groove back. I want to encourage you all to let go a little and allow your ex-husband to spend more time with his kids. It doesn’t mean that you’ve lost or will lose anything. Your babies will ALWAYS be your babies, no matter how wonderful stepmom is, she’ll never be able to replace you. Find comfort in knowing that and use this time to get out there and regain your independence. Take a mini vacation, do something that you’ve always wanted to do, flirt a little, laugh a lot and finally realize that more time for dad means more time for you! It is possible to still be a divorced mom without losing yourself.

So to all my modern day divorced mommies, the next time the kids are away, (don’t worry they are in good hands) promise me that you will play. Put on a little black dress, call up a girlfriend and get out there and get your groove back. Remember, you are more than just a mom or an ex-wife, you are a beautiful woman who deserves to feel like that every moment you get. It doesn’t make you a bad parent. It will actually make you a better one!

Grace and Peace,

Kela

Lack of Discipline Leads to Spoiled Children

Lack of consistent discipline is increasingly becoming a major problem among families today. This new generation of parents is convinced that discipline means that we are abusing or unreasonably punishing our children. When in actuality lack of discipline is a form of abuse. Discipline, which comes from the root word disciple, means to teach and to guide, and when we guide our children toward positive behavior, we help them develop a healthy attitude toward life.

From my experience, stepfamilies have some of the most difficult challenges with discipline due to the complicated dynamics of the family. Often times, dad and stepmom aren’t on the same page; dad and ex-wife aren’t on the same page and mom and stepdad aren’t on the same page. All this leads to a lack of consistent discipline. Not to mention that divorced parents often make many excuses for their child’s negative behavior along the way. “She’s just hurt because of our divorce,” or “He’s just having a hard time dealing with our newly formed family.” As such, they become overly lenient and tend to overcompensate out of guilt from the divorce.  Additionally, they tend to make them feel like the whole world owes them something because their parents divorced and everything revolves around solely them and their hurt feelings.

Now, in no way am I suggesting that we shouldn’t sympathize with these children. BUT, parents should demand the same positive behavior from the children as they did prior to the divorce, or it can lead to an adult child who uses their childhood divorce as an excuse for negative behavior. And negative behavior as adult equals consequences that are far more severe than those of a child. It’s important to teach our children that while they may be hurting and we completely understand, there are still basic rules of life and consequences if those rules are broken.

Overall, lack of discipline leads to spoiled children; whether those children are part of a bi-nuclear or intact family, and absence of discipline during a child’s formative years leads to difficult challenges for them as children and adults. It truly sets up patterns that can last a lifetime. Remember that these children will eventually leave your little world and go out into the real word where their behavior will not be tolerated and it will leave them confused. For example, when little Cindy goes to school and is put in time out for slapping Billy in the face, she might say, “What do you mean I can’t slap Billy when I don’t get what I want; that’s what I do to mommy?” Or, your teen may feel it is his right to act out at school and not suffer the consequences because his parents are divorced. Remember, that children will live what they learn. They don’t go out into the real world and just know all of sudden. It is our job as parents to teach them through discipline and guidance.

Are you raising a spoiled child? Sherry Rauh, from WebMD listed 10 ways to raise a spoiled child and 6 of them are below. How many apply to you?

Making Your Child the Center of the World

Making your child’s wishes the top priority in every circumstance teaches her that the world revolves around her. This could prevent her from learning to consider other people’s needs and desires, says Susan Buttross, MD, chief of the Division of Child Development and Behavior Pediatrics at the University of Mississippi Medical Center. ” Children need to understand give and take, ” she tells WebMD. “When take is the only function they know, they tend to be frustrated.”

Accidentally Rewarding Negative Behavior

Harvey Karp, MD creator of The Happiest Toddler on the Block DVD and book, says that many parents make the mistake of simultaneously ignoring the positive and rewarding the negative. If you only notice your kids when they whine and cry, you send the message that tantrums and tears are the best way to get your attention.

Failing to put Clear Limits on Your Child’s Behavior

If you don’t set and enforce guidelines for good behavior, Buttross says, you’re likely to raise a child who is rude, uncooperative, and disrespectful. Karp adds that young kids are uncivilized by nature and part of our jobs as parents is to teach social virtues, such as patience and respect.

Not Enforcing Rules Consistently

While some parents fail to set limits, others set “mushy or inconsistent” ones, Karp says. This occurs when you tell your kids not to do something in a very passive way, but allow them to do it anyway. Examples of this may be allowing your toddler to play with food on some days, but not on others or allowing your teen to be rude and disrespectful to her stepparent on some days because you feel as if they are just hurting due to the divorce.

Not Holding Your Child Accountable

Refusing to hold your child accountable when he does something wrong sends the message that he never makes a mistake, Buttross says. This teaches your child to blame others whenever problems arise. Instead, teach your child the importance of taking responsibility for his own actions and then use firm boundaries to make sure he does so. Constantly making excuses for a child’s negative behavior teaches them to do the exact same thing when they become adults.

Giving in to Temper Tantrums

Relenting when your child throws a temper tantrum is an extreme form of rewarding negative behavior. It proves to kids that they can get whatever they want by throwing a fit; which is NOT how things happen in the real world. If your child throws a tantrum or displays negative behavior at school, there are consequences. By the same token, if they throw tantrums as an adult, there are consequences; which are often times far more severe.

Maintaining a consistent and effective approach to child discipline isn’t easy, but the benefits far out weigh the difficulty of the task. The benefits are that you end up with a compassionate child who understands boundaries, who empathizes with others and is not rude, disrespectful or manipulative. More importantly, you end up with an adult who realizes the same and doesn’t continually use excuses or blame others for their negative behavior. You end up with a person who can live in THIS world instead of their own little world.

Overwhelmed and Disconnected in a Tough Economy

Today, trying to cultivate a balance between home and work life can be severely stressful. The effects of being overwhelmed and stressed can directly affect the relationship you have with your husband or wife, leaving both of you feeling disconnected. Of course, with the hard economic times currently affecting not just the United States, but every country in the world at this time, these feelings of disconnection become even more extreme with the added pressures of money stress.

The majority of women in the daily workforce in this country are overwhelmed, overworked and extremely disconnected, especially with themselves. They leave their homes to work 8 hours or more daily, come back home to shuffle the children to and from their activities, cook, clean, help with homework, etc., only to start all over again the next day. With this, they leave themselves little or no time for themselves or their spouses. “Exhausted and overwhelmed,” can’t fully explain what some women and men are dealing with during these hard times and I have to admit, I’ve been there, done that myself.

Unfortunately, overwork has also been proven to exacerbate our ongoing health conditions both mentally, physically and emotionally as well. Overwork has been linked to anxiety, depression and many other chronic stress-related disorders. It causes physical pain as well.

Of course, behind all of this is the disconnection with your spouse that can be directly related to this “overworked” syndrome. You give your all to your job during the day, you come home to another 4-6 hours of domestic work including caring for your children and your spouse gets the rest of you. What’s left of you that is – which at times, for your spouse, can seem like and feel like nothing. Women aren’t the only ones affected by being overworked. Due to our challenging economic times today, husbands are working two jobs and sometimes three job and overtime just to make ends meet; finding themselves also becoming disconnected with their wives and family. However, trying to reassess our situations is not easy when there are bills that need to be paid. Finding ways to balance our lives and putting our priorities in order is crucial. Here are a few ways you can achieve balance in order to avoid becoming disconnected:

• Don’t overschedule yourself. If the children’s activities are becoming too much for you to handle, limit each child to one activity outside of the home per week.
• Take some scheduled “time-out” space just for yourself.  Even if it means heading to the nearest Starbucks for an hour or two of reading or to the nearest public library for some quiet time.  Taking care of yourself, first, is crucial to your individual happiness.
• Romance your spouse. You don’t have to go out of the home to do this. Send the children to a babysitter or relative’s house for a couple of hours and have your own special time. Cook a simple dinner, eat together, spend quality time together.
• Work as a team. Do not allow outside influences and stresses to pull you apart. Daily stresses can put enormous pressure on your relationship with your spouse, pick your battles and let go of pettiness.
• Communicate daily. Make a special effort to have good conversation with your spouse.
• Eat meals together. Absorb one another’s wisdom. Showing keen interest in one another and your daily routines will bring you closer
• Laugh together as much as you can. Laughter is good for the soul and for your marriage.

And most importantly,

• PRAY TOGETHER. As the old saying goes. A family that prays together, stays together!

Sustaining a connection with your spouse should be the rule instead of the exception during tough times.  Obtaining this takes a commitment to be individually connected to ourselves, happy and healthy emotionally, physically and mentally as well. The end result will be that the both of you will be collectively committed to one another no matter what the future beholds you.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Stepmother Bill of Rights

I recently read an interesting post about a stepmother’s bill or rights on Becoming a Stepmom. Apparently there have been some interesting discussions floating around on the net about whether or not it is dangerous to stepfamilies. Below is one version of the bill of rights and my perspective on each.

1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

I agree with this one and don’t think it’s unreasonable for a married woman to want to be part of the decision-making process in her marriage and family at all times. I thought that’s how a married couple was supposed to operate. I think some people have a problem with this particular “right” because they assume that stepmothers mean that they should be involved in picking the school, doctor, dentist, religion, etc.for their stepchild. This is not what this “right” is saying. Stepmothers aren’t demanding control here, they are asking to be included on the decisions that directly affect them and their marriage as a whole and their husbands should include them on matters that will affect their marriage and family.

2. People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

Similar to the one above, this is another one that is often misinterpreted. Again, stepmothers aren’t asking to be included on choosing schools, dentists, doctors or signing their stepchildren up for extra curricular activities. I think all this falls under the heading of “common sense.” We know that we don’t need to be consulted on those types of things and don’t expect to be, IF the decisions don’t affect us. It’s when you sign them up and then notify the stepmother that she is the one who will be taking him every week that’s the problem. You can’t make plans for someone else’s life. My biological parents were married nearly 30 years before my dad passed away and neither of them ever signed us up for activities and then told the other (without checking their schedules) that he or she would be the one taking him. It’s called common courtesy and isn’t unreasonable to expect, even for a stepmother.

3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

This is another one that I find very difficult to understand why certain people don’t get it. Some have said that stepmothers should just accept that they won’t be involved in discipline because it should be left up to mom and dad and/or the children just won’t accept it.  Personally, I don’t think CHILDREN should have a say in this matter. If you do something wrong and you’re in the care of an adult, that adult should have the right to discipline you. If the children are with grandma, do you tell her that she can’t discipline them when they misbehave? What about at school? When they do something wrong at school, do you expect the school not to implement some form of discipline because it should be left up to the biological parents? If your answer to either of those questions is no, then tell me, why should that be any different for stepmom? If the children are under her supervision, she should be allowed to set agreed upon limits for and discipline them. The fact that the kids won’t always listen has nothing to do with my right, as an adult, to impart discipline on them. Heck, sometimes my biological kid doesn’t listen and/or readily accept discipline, but that doesn’t stop me from disciplining him.

4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

This one all depends on the circumstances. Dad has an obligation to care for his children and stepmom cannot and should not dictate if his children can come live in his home or not, UNLESS that child has been violent towards her or any other children in the home. At that point, the stepmother should definitely be consulted and part of the reunification process as well.

5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
This one I can agree with!

6. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

I think this is another one that is often misinterpreted. Stepmothers aren’t telling their husbands not to pay child support. We know that there are agreements that were made and must be adhered to, before we came along. Not to mention that a father should take care of his children, no matter where they reside and I wouldn’t expect anything less from my husband. However, there are times when ex-wives often want above and beyond what has been court ordered, and if it falls outside of the court-ordered amount which has already been budgeted and agreed upon, then yes, husband should consult with stepmom (his wife). As an ex, there have been times when I’ve called my ex and expressed that I needed some extra money for our son and I never got offended when he said he had to talk it over with his wife first to see what and/or if they could afford it. I think it is a fantasy for ex-wives to assume that they will forever be the ONLY partner in these types of decisions that involve their children once their ex-spouse remarries.

7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

I agree with this one. It all falls under the issue of respect, but kids, whether biological or step, don’t always listen and follow rules. It has nothing to do with them being your stepchildren and everything to do with them just being children.

8. I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.

This one is another one that is often misinterpreted. It has nothing to do with instantly feeling like family and more to do with some of the points mentioned above; such as consulting stepmoms on certain decision, allowing them to be involved in discipline when the children are in their care and so on.  Not doing those things is what makes stepmoms feel like outsiders. It’s not the fact that their husband’s kids prefer them and go to him with or ask him everything. Again, growing up in my biological family, I sometimes had a preference for one parent over the other, and they were both my biological parents. Personally, I’ve never felt like an outsider in my home. I actually enjoy the times that both my bio son and stepson prefer to be with my husband. It is at those times that I get a the opportunity to have some “me” time. I think most stepmothers feel like outsiders for other reasons.

9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

I totally agree with this one! Respect is one of our household rules.

10. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

This one makes me want to pull my hair out because people don’t get it. I’ve heard everything from, “children are a priority too” or “you can’t neglect the kids” or “isn’t that selfish?” I’m a little taken aback with people always telling stepmothers what they already know. We know that kids are a priority too! We know that it’s not the marriage or the kids, it’s marriage and kids. We don’t neglect our children just because we expect our marriage to be a priority. A marriage will not last unless it’s the first priority. The husband and wife are the pillars of the family. They are responsible for setting the foundation for how the family will run. If they don’t blend and aren’t on the same page, then the family won’t make it, be it biological or step. If they aren’t happy in their partnership and as a couple, then the family won’t be happy as a whole.  And again, it doesn’t matter if the family is biological or step.

Making your marriage a priority means that you realize that your spouse is your life partner. Make time for him or her instead of always focusing on the drama with your past marriage. Include him or her in decisions that will directly affect him or you. There shouldn’t always be a battle between your kids and/or your ex-spouse and your spouse. I always say that while your ex-spouse is your co-parenting partner, your spouse is your life partner and should always be treated as such. This is what stepmoms mean by not wanting to feel like outsiders in their home and wanting their marriages to be a priority.  These are common sense things that should apply to any marriage. It doesn’t mean that stepmoms are victims, they want their husbands to just do away with all their responsibilities as fathers or they desire some unreasonable amount of control. It means that stepmoms desire to be treated like wives and life partners. Personally, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Grace and Peace,

*Kela*

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Relationship Communication 101

In all aspects of a relationship, whether that be in your marriage, your relationships with your children, your friends and even at your place of employment, there has to be a certain level of communication in order to avoid conflict and to sustain healthy relationships.  Simply put, without communication, there is no real relationship.

With that being said, communicating isn’t always that simple, even among people who may have lots in common and share the same views.  This is because to err is human and we all make mistakes.  There are several mistakes that people make when communicating, which in turn can cause a great conversation to get ugly rather quickly:

1.  Aggressive communication to impress outsiders.  Frequently, people will make the mistake of trying to get their point across by trying to over-talk the other party and making the contents of their communication known to all those around in order to convince people to take sides.

2.  Misinterpretation.  You take every thing your spouse is trying to say to you and misinterpret it.  For example, your spouse initiates a conversation about good discipline within your modern family and you twist it by thinking he is attacking your personal parenting skills.  You then let him have it and both of you are frustrated and upset.

3.  Communicating but not hearing.  You don’t like, and have no interest in the subject in which your spouse or loved one is trying to communicate with you about so you purposely put them on “mute-mode.”  At that point, you aren’t paying any real attention to the conversation at all.  End result — no communication at all.

Some helpful tips to alleviate these problems with communication include:

• Attentive listening.  Paying active attention to the conversation and showing real interest shows great respect for the person you are communicating with.  It is very satisfying for a spouse to know that they are being not only listened to, but heard as well.  True listening allows you to feel and understand your spouse or loved one’s needs and feelings.
• Use non-accusatory language. When addressing problems or issues between you and your loved one, begin the conversation by removing the world “You.”  The word “you” when used in conflicting conversation, can be taken as  accusatory at times.  Instead, start with “I feel” or “We.”   Remember, a statement about your personal feelings is hard to challenge and therefore allows for less of a defensive reaction from the other communicator.
• Patience. Lastly, When you are angry, misguided or have misinterpreted something with your spouse or loved one, sometimes it is best to leave certain things unsaid for that moment.  When things cool down and you, your spouse and/or loved one is more approachable, then you can revisit that concern.  But, for the time being, let it go.

Good communication is one of the keys to building any successful relationship whether that relationship be at home with modern family, at school with your friends and teachers or in your marriage as well.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Divorce After 50 is On the Rise

AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) conducted a study regarding divorce after the age of 50. Elizabeth Enright wrote an article delving into this study which was featured in AARP magazine for July/August of 2004. She writes “Divorce over 50 is on the rise. Women do the walking. Men don’t see it coming.”

Many individuals stay in a marriage for the children. They wait until the kids are grown then they make their move. Elizabeth Enright states that women often recognize the danger signs of a problem marriage earlier than men do. She goes on to say that one is more likely to leave a marriage earlier in proceeding marriages if they have been through a divorce before. In the AARP study 66 percent of women initiated the divorce after the age of 50 as opposed to 44 percent of men. This study also found that the men stayed in an unhappy marriage for the kids and the women stayed because of financial worry.

58 percent of men stayed for the kids whereas only 37 percent of women stayed for the kids. This isn’t a knock on the women by any means. These numbers reveal a very hard unwritten truth among men: “Why do men worry more about the children than women do? Because women take for granted that they’ll stay close to the kids. Most experts agree that men of all ages have more to lose in a divorce, especially when it comes to children. According to our survey, 42 percent of the men said that their worst fears after the divorce involved their children, with most of these men worrying they’d lose contact with their kids. In comparison, only 15 percent of women had these fears. “For men, it’s a well-founded fear,” says Vetrano, who lectures on elder divorce law nationally. “Men lose their children a lot.”
All of this brings up an interesting perspective that, at 34 with three kids under the age of 18, I hadn’t thought of prior to reading this article. I am fascinated by these statistics and would love to know how you, our readers, feel about this topic. What are your feelings on this personally? Do you have first hand experience (man or woman) with a divorce after the age of 50? Did you stay just for you kids? If so or if not, then why? Please share your views as we would love to expound on this growing epidemic as proven from the article above. To view this article in its entirety CLICK HERE.

Super Stepmom Syndrome

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day; a show about overwhelmed moms. They talked about everything from discipline to co-sleeping to the expectation of having to do it all as moms. One mom confessed, “Most days I hate being a mom and just want to run away.” Dr. Phil replied with this question, “How many of you moms in the audience can relate to this mom, please stand up?” The entire audience of women stood up. Dr. Phil then assured her that she was definitely not alone and proceeded to tell her that she needed to learn when to let go, allow her husband to assume more responsibility and take some time for herself. He assured her that the world or her family would not fall apart if she did those things as we all have to recharge our systems, from time to time, in order to maintain our sanity. “Children need a mother, not a martyr,” he said.

Dr. Phil is right. It certainly isn’t uncommon for many moms to feel overwhelmed and at times, feel like hanging a “FOR SALE BY OWNER” sign on their children’s chests and place them in the driveway. As moms, we often do feel the need to do all and be all for and to everyone. Our emotions cause us to go overboard in wanting everyone to be okay that we often times allow those emotions to guide our decision making. In the process, we neglect to take time for ourselves. Can all of you moms out there relate to what I’m saying?

Now here’s a thought: STEPMOMS OFTEN FEEL THE SAME EXACT WAY, except the feeling is magnified times 10! Stepmothers feel the pressure and expectations from all angles; their husband, his kids, the ex-spouse and her kids as well (if she has any). As a result, some have a tendency to react to the emotional stresses within the stepfamily by becoming over-involved. It’s called the Super Stepmom Syndrome.

Stepmothers who suffer from Super Stepmom Syndrome step into the marriage trying to do it all. She wants  his kids to automatically love her; the ex-wife to be her best friend; her husband to realize what a fabulous mother she is to his kids and EVERYONE to be one big happy family. She wants to be involved in every single aspect of her husband and his kids’ lives. She doesn’t want to be left out of any decision, whether it directly affects her or not and she wants to be recognized for being the mother of the year; the one who is keeping the family together and at peace. Her intentions are good, but she can be just as forceful and intrusive as an intrusive and forceful ex-wife!

Super stepmoms need to first learn that they are no more entitled to every single area of their stepchildren’s lives than the ex-wife is. There are certain decisions that will not require your input. For example, you are not automatically entitled to be at every single parent teacher conference just because you are married to your stepchildren’s father. If you are invited, then that’s fine. But if not, don’t push your way in because you think you’re the new sheriff in town. Your spouse can inform you of anything that you need to know regarding the conference. Otherwise, let the biological parents handle that situation.

The next thing super stepmoms need to learn is how to relax and the art of when to make a point, and when it’s not necessary to do so. For example, if your husband invites you to that school conference, but his ex-spouse has a major problem with it, then step back because it’s not a battle that you just HAVE to fight. It’s the super stepmom’s insecurities that make her prone to fight for that sense of control. She might fear that if she isn’t involved in every single decision with her husband and his ex-spouse that her husband might do something stupid; something that she might not be able to live with. Additionally, she might even fear that she might wind up looking like the bad guy if she doesn’t prove that she loves her husband’s kids, and therefore wants to be involved in every aspect of their lives. All of these misguided fears and insecurities often end up backfiring and causing her a significant amount of undue stress.

Just like those moms on Dr. Phil, super stepmoms need to realize that you don’t have to be everything to everyone in order to prove your love or keep an illusion of control.  It’s healthy to just focus on yourself sometimes, and the more issues that you can let go of and allow the biological parents to handle, the better you will be for your stepfamily. Like Dr. Phil said, children need a mother/parental figure, not a martyr. Letting go and stepping back, in certain areas, doesn’t mean that you are a horrible step-parent. Remember, that every parent, including step-parents, need to recharge, from time to time in order to maintain their sanity. Ericka Lutz, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Stepparenting, offered some great tips for the super stepmom in her book.

1. Don’t take over.
2. Don’t try to do and be everything; you’ll only fail.
3. Try to do less and you’ll achieve more.
4. Be a duck and let society’s expectations roll off your back like water. Nobody out there knows the reality of your life.
5. Work to build a relationship with your stepchildren. Don’t pretend like there’s a wonderful relationship when there’s not.
6. You cannot change EVERYTHING.
7. In certain areas, remember that you might have some influence, but no control.

Relax, relate and realize that learning the art of letting go can be a huge stress reliever. Work on building trust with your spouse so that you can allow him to handle areas in which your involvement is not required, instead of trying to control handle every situation. You will find that it enables you to be who you NEED to be, not who you or society thinks you HAVE to be in your stepfamily, without losing yourself in the process.

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