Depression and Children of Divorce

The most important element to happiness for a child is the need to feel safe and loved.  During divorce, if parents aren’t careful, children can feel just the opposite.  They become stressed, worried and fearful.  This in turn causes depression.  One of the most important discussions you can have with your children about what is going to happen in the future is where they stand relative to your divorce.  Granted, some might not feel that they should involve children in grown folks business, but it is very important, as long as children are old enough to process what you are telling them, to have a productive discussion about the changes that are about to take place in their lives.  Verbally reassuring them that they are loved by both parents is not enough; you have to address their reasons for their stresses and worries.

Another important factor to consider is your non-verbal actions as parents.  How you present and carry yourself speaks volumes to your children.  Remember, actions speak louder than words, so do not make it tougher for your children during these critical times by disparaging your ex or removing yourself emotionally from your children (whether intentional or not).  This type of behavior only intensifies the burdens and feelings of loss that children of divorce carry.  Children are just that, children.  They do not need to carry your “extra” baggage.

A certain amount of sadness that children experience during divorce is normal; however, extreme and continuing sadness that is coupled with helplessness is not.  This may be a sign of depression.  Unfortunately, statistics prove that divorce is one of the leading causes of depression in children and teens.  Studies show that the rate of serious depression in children — up 2% a generation ago to 23% in children up to age 20 (www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com) not all related to divorce, but still a wake-up call for parents.  The following are warning signs that your children might experiencing depression:

• Sleep problems
• Poor concentration
• Declining grades
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Self-injury
• Change in eating habits
• Anxiety

The following are some tips to help help make your child’s lives easier during this stressful time:

• Minimize major changes, such as changing schools or relocating out of state after your divorce.  Do your best to keep some sense of normalcy in your children’s daily life.
• Be consistent with discipline.  Do not allow your children to use the divorce as a crutch for bad behavior.
• Be open to answering questions, listen to your children and be available to them at all times.
• Do not limit your child’s access to his/her other parent for your own personal vengance.  Your child deserves and has the right to love and spend time with both parents.
• Do not expect or rely on your child to help you through your recovery process.  You are the adult and they are the children.  It is unfair to rely on them for this kind of support.

Bottom line, children of divorce feel pain.  There is no way around it.  However, one of the main reasons for this pain is the mere fact that their relationships with their parents (especially the absent/non-custodial parent) is constantly being  redefined.  They don’t have the same security they once had and feelings are always being tested.  One of the most important gifts you can give them and of which, in turn, lesson you can teach them is that of stability and structure.  With being able to put your differences and feelings for your ex spouse aside from their parenting relationship with your child and thereby continuing to allow them to maintain a relationship with both parents, you can help your children allieviate some of their fears, worries and anxieties which will less likely result in their suffering from depression during this tough time in their life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The information contained in this article written by Diane Greene is not and does not constitute medical advice in any way, it is only an opinion based on personal research on the issue of depression in children of divorce.

Getting the Word Out About Your Big Day!

Wedding Evite

Guest blogger and awesome event planner, Lynn Maxwell of XL Events, offers some great alternatives to traditional wedding invitations below.  Check them out!

You have already picked out this Spring and Summer’s most sought after wedding color combination and have found a great way to include your kids and your soon to be step-children in all of the wedding planning; what’s next?  Getting the word out about your big day.  Traditionally, couples will find awesomely fancy and expensive stationary to send out to their loved ones, but what if you have “been there done that” and do not want to go back?  What if you just want something simple, something easy, and something that is not going to take away from your wedding budget?  I have the answer.  With the Internet being the “it” way of communications nowadays, it is extremely simple to construct a fancy little email about the day of your nuptials; think about it you already have most of your contacts in your in your address book and most webhosting sites like Yahoo, AOL, Gmail, and MSN (or Hotmail) already have their own stationery built right into the email settings. Take a browse through what they have and you may find something suitable for your email invite or if you cannot find what you are looking for, you can always peruse “free email stationery” on Google.

Another fun little way to get the word out about your day is to grab one of those social networking websites like Facebook or Twitter and begin taking your friends, family and loved ones through your planning phase; they will be sure to appreciate the final results of your hard work once they arrive on your set date.

Lastly, and my personal favorite, you can set up a website to document everything if you don’t have the time to Facebook or Tweet everything you are doing?  OMG….a website?  No worries, it is not as hard to set one up than you think.  Many wedding sites like, The Knot, will help you set one up.  Want something original?  That is easy as well; sign up on places like webs.com, for free and they will walk you through the entire process of setting up your site.  After you are done, you will be able to load pictures, add content and even be able to have the visitors of your site RSVP to your invitation.  This will not only save money on stamps, time at the post office and time making sure the printer gets every single detail right on your invites, but you will also be going green.  You like the last idea, but you really do not have the time, creativity, or patience to do something of that caliber, no fear, XL Events, LLC can help.

Final Thoughts:  Keep everything as simple as you possibly can.  If you would like to incorporate more than one of the above ideas, then go for it. Your guests will be waiting as anxiously as you are for your magical day to roll around.

Happy Planning!

Lynn Maxwell

XL Events, LLC

xleventsllc@yahoo.com

Jason Mesnick and Molly Melaney Wed

The Mesnicks from People Magazine

The first divorced father of the hit reality show, The Bachelor, married contestant, Molly Melaney in a rainy California ceremony on Saturday.

You might remember Jason as the bachelor who caused a lot of chaos when he initially gave his final rose to contestant Melissa Rycroft (who has since found love herself) in the season finale of The Bachelor last spring, but then changed broke off his engagement on national television to pursue Melaney instead.

Jason’s young son Tyler (Ty) was part of the ceremony as well. He ran down the aisle a minute before Molly did, and Jason said that he had a talk with him. Thirty seconds later, his blushing bride appeared on the stairs and Jason started crying.

Catch their big day on an ABC Broadcast which airs Monday night at 8 pm. The first ever Bachelor couple to wed and on national television.

We wish this modern family the best of luck!

Favorite Child…Is It Ok or Betrayal?

The subject is taboo.  It’s unheard of for a parent to admit that he or she has a favorite child.  However, research says otherwise.  A recent research survey conducted by Netmums, one of the UK’s most popular websites, indicates that one out of every six mothers has a favorite child.  In this study, over 1000 mothers were surveyed and 16% admitted that they had a favorite child.

I am sure some of you readers have felt at times like you had more in common with one of your children over the other.  At times, I have wondered how I had 3 boys that were so entirely different from one another.  I understand that differences are what makes each of your children unique and individual, but on the other hand, those same differences are also what makes them more likable, easier to love, etc. due to the fact that one child may constantly cause disruptions and stress and the other may not.  In that case,  it would be normal to have feelings of favoritism.

Albeit hard to admit,  I think the studies performed so far are wrong.  Because there is so much shame in having these feelings,  I am sure there are plenty more mothers that feel this way, but just can’t bring themselves to admit it, due to the suppression of their feelings. Once again, it’s a taboo subject, especially for a mother.  On the other hand, it’s more acceptable for fathers to have these feelings about their children. For example, a father may prefer to spend more time with his son because of common interest, as opposed to having a tea party or attending a beauty pageant with his daughter.

Dr. Ellen Weber-Libby, a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C. states, in her very interesting article entitled “Do Parents Have Favorite Children?”, that having these feelings are very normal and exist in every family.   She goes on to discuss the fact that no two children are identical which makes it impossible for any two children to be treated the same.

Some would say that favoring one child over the other is cruel.  Dr. Weber-Libby states, “Favoritism becomes cruel when consistently the same child is singled out for preferential treatment awarded because of parental bias. This child may be one of many or an only child. What is important is that the rewards experienced by the child reflect parental need to emotionally indulge the child and not the child’s behavior.” With that, Dr. Weber-Libby goes on to state, “When parents hold favorite children accountable to the same standards as other children, then the presence of cruelty is unlikely.”

We here at Today’s Modern Family are of the belief that healthy dialogue and discussion promotes change.  Being armed with this information, I wanted to conduct my own survey of our Today’s Modern Family readers.  Tell me, do you have a favorite child?  If so, do you suppress your feelings regarding the issue?  Or, are you of the opinion that having a favorite child is cruel and unusual?  I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on the matter.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

How Do Children Really Feel About Divorce?

I have talked to many children and adult children of divorce over the past several years. Although I am not an adult child of divorce, all of my mom and my dad’s siblings have been divorced at least once so I am used to the blended/stepfamily.  Additionally, my husband is a product of divorce and his first marriage ended in divorce as well.

Recently, I had a series of conversations with my cousins, who are sisters (half, whole and step) in the same stepfamily, about divorce and their blended family.  They said that they never wished their birth parents to be back together again because it would have been a disaster.  My husband has also told me that he asked his mom to get a divorce when he was a mere 8 years old. I was watching Real Housewives of Orange County last week and two sisters (teenage high school students) were having a conversation about how they didn’t think their parents were right for each other and should get a divorce.

About a year ago, I did a study, surveying 13 children and adult children of divorce about their experience with divorce and none of them ever said that they wanted their parents to be back together again. They did express that they wanted their parents to get along, not put them in the middle of their squabbles, be consistent with drop off and pick up and flexible with visitation arrangements (especially as they got older). However, they never said that they wished their parents would spend more time together, take family vacations with them, have weekly dinners with them and overall, alter their reality regarding the divorce in order to help them cope. As a matter of fact, over half  of them said that it would have only confused them all the more.

This confirms that often times, parents react to their inability to effectively deal with the changes of divorce and impose those feelings onto their children. It’s completely understandable because as parents, you never dreamed of breaking up your child’s “happy” home. However, parents must first ask themselves, “was our home really that happy?” They assume that children know less than what we give them credit for and just because they were having problems, doesn’t mean their children were aware. I’ve said it many times before, however, children are much more aware than we give them credit for. And instead of doing your best to alter their reality by still playing house even though you’re divorced, consider the fact that your children just might not have been happy with that arrangement in the first place.

What children need in order to cope with divorce is the support of both parents as their parents, not as a couple. At this point, their world is going to change enough as it is and they rely on their parents to minimize confusion by being clear and consistent. If you are divorced, then be divorced and you can still get along without vacationing or sharing weekly dinners together. Showing your children that you are making an effort to repair your relationship at this point only confuses them. Many of them begin to wonder why you could not have done this while you were married as opposed to doing so after the divorce. I know many divorced parents who practice such rituals will become defensive and say things like, “it’s much easier to do when you are no longer married because you don’t have to live with each other,” or “just because we do these things doesn’t mean that we are trying to show are children that we are getting back together.” But remember, it’s not about how easier it is for you or what you are trying to show your children. It’s what you ARE showing them that matters.

By that same token, your children don’t need you to act a complete fool either! The main thing that children in my study as well as author and therapist, Constance Ahron’s study, expressed is that children want minimal conflict and don’t want to be in the middle of their parents’ battles.  They don’t want to be prevented from having a relationship with either parent. They desire flexibility with visitation and unlimited access to either parent. Most importantly, they want to be kept informed of changes that will affect them and they want consistency with drop off and pick up times.

Parents, you don’t have to go to the extreme to provide the above-mentioned for your children. You can do things like simply being on time with drop off and pick up. So many parents show up an hour or more late and assume that it doesn’t matter to their children. It does, so be on time, every time, unless a valid circumstance prevents you from doing so, and if it does, communicate that to your children. You can also quit using your kids as messengers because you just can’t stand talking to each other. You can get along by being cordial, friendly even, during drop off and pick up and at school and extra curricular activities. You can make every effort to be on the same page and provide consistency for your children by creating a co-parenting plan that outlines rules and expectations of your children, and then presenting a unified front when it comes to enforcing those rules. All of these things will show your children that although mom and dad are divorced, we are still your parents; we just aren’t a couple any longer.

Below are some do’s and don’ts of divorce to make the transition clearer and smoother for your children.

Do’s

1. Be very clear that the decision is final and irreversible.
2. Reassure them that you both will continue to co-parent them to the best of your abilities; and that they will continue to have a relationship with both parents.
3. Make it clear that you BOTH agree that when they are with mom, they need to follow the rules of her house; and when they are with dad, they need to follow the rules of his house.
4. The non-custodial parent should make a home for his or her children so they don’t feel like visitors. Keep some of their things (clothes, shoes, favorite toys, etc) at your house, so that it feels like home at both parents’ houses.
5. Make sure they remain connected to both sides of the extended family.
6. Be cordial, friendly even, during drop off and pick and at school and extra curricular activities.
7. Remain a parent and never reverse the role out of guilt. Children of divorce still need expectations, rules and consequences! Creating these boundaries actually helps to bring back that sense of normalcy.
8. Take care of yourself and your own emotions regarding the divorce without affecting your children. Be advised that they are only likely to handle the divorce as well as you handle it yourself!

Don’ts

1. Don’t use your children as messengers because you can’t stand talking to each other. This only puts them in the middle of your mess and creates loyalty binds.
2. Don’t rely on your children as support to get you through your divorce. Don’t cry on their shoulders. They need you to be strong and to be their parents so that they can still be children. They are not your therapists.
3. Don’t allow the children to dictate the terms of each visitation. While it’s okay to be flexible if a child wants to go to a friend’s birthday party or has an important project to work on and therefore wants to stay at their primary residence; they should never be allowed to forfeit visitation because they are mad at the other parent.
4. Don’t bad mouth the other parent in front of the children.
5. Don’t ask children to be your spies on the other parent and then interrogate them as soon as they walk through the door from the other parent’s house.
6. Don’t create monsters by inflating their status and giving them more authority or control than they need as children. For example, your 10 year old son is not the “man of the house” now. He’s not a man; he’s a child, and the distinction between parent and child must always be adhered to. Never reverse that role out of guilt.
7. Don’t fall into the “funhouse syndrome” by becoming the disneyland parent and making it a party every time your children come to visit. This actually helps to decrease their respect for you as a parent. The reality is that if their parents had stayed together, every day wouldn’t be a party. Maintain a sense of normalcy by creating a healthy balance for your children. Sure it’s okay to have a good time sometimes, but they also need to be doing some chores at your house, too.
8. Don’t create a crutch for your children by telling them that they can or allowing them to get away with any and everything because they are hurting due to the divorce. If you feed children this excuse, trust me, they will use it well into adulthood. Give them permission to feel the way that they do regarding the changes, listen to them and be understanding BUT don’t tolerate disrespectful or rude behavior towards you, the other parent and/or a step-parent – EVER!

Describe Your Ulitmate Mental Vacation and win an XM Satellite Radio!

Today’s Modern Family is giving away a brand new Sirius Sportster 5 XM Satellite Radio! All you have to do is read the Take a Mental Vacation to Avoid Stress post and then describe your ultimate mental vacation in the comments section of the post. The winner will be randomly chosen on April 1, 2010 at 8pm EST.

About the Sirius Sportster 5

Enjoy the best of XM Radio with over 130 channels, including commercial free music, plus sports, talk, comedy and more! Additional programming packages are also available to suit your needs.  There’s no better way to listen to radio than with a Sirius Sportster 5!

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