Having your parents divorce is mind-bending, especially for an adult child. Your childhood memories may be challenged (was it all a facade?), family traditions are uprooted, and education or career plans may be threatened — all because your folks are calling it quits. During my 30-year divorce practice I’ve seen both the impact of parental divorce on adult children and the impact of adult children on their parents’ divorce process. After reading related questions and commentary from other moms on this site, I thought I’d offer a few ideas to ponder:
1. If you go with a parent to meet with an attorney, remember that the attorney-client confidentiality privilege is just between the client and attorney. Give your parent a chance to be alone with the attorney to cover sensitive topics. Yes, parents have secrets, too. Writing down questions beforehand and taking notes during the meeting will free up your parent to listen to, and form opinions about, the attorney.
2. If your parents are fighting in your presence, ask them to be civil when you are in the vicinity. You have no idea how often older clients report (and respect) adult children putting their foot down, and drawing boundaries, during their parents’ divorce.
3. Offer to help with time-consuming tasks, such as: culling through financial records, especially when it is time to estimate living expenses, both current and future. Sorting through records and running calculations is overwhelming to anyone of any age going through a divorce. And your help can be a welcomed relief for a parent who was not the marital bookkeeper.
4. If your parents are not capable of communicating with each other, consider the risks of acting as a messenger or an interpreter. There are times when they may need your help, but think twice before diving into their drama.
5. Don’t find yourself being a Super Sleuth. Spying on the other parent can backfire and is best left to investigation specialists. If testimony is needed later, you do not want to be the one on the witness stand describing your mother’s tryst escapade.
6. Try to understand your own agenda — fearing the loss of financial support or the disruption of life as you once knew it? Concerned about a parent’s financial or emotional dependency on you? Anger at the initiating parent? Remember that alliances can shift. For example: Daughter is mom’s confidante and echoes mom’s disdain toward dad for “dumping” the family. Later, daughter’s alliance shifts when she tires of mom’s continuing derisiveness toward dad.
7. Personal weaknesses and foibles are magnified during divorce. Taking sides is tempting, and sometimes appropriate. But “divorcing” a parent can put you in a difficult position if reconciliation occurs.
8. Help your parents design a new future. If your family home has to be sold, take photos, hold the memories, and adapt with an adventuresome spirit. In one case, my client faced the likelihood that she could not afford to keep the marital home — until she and her daughter had a creative moment. Mom ended up renting the home to her daughter and son-in-law and redecorating her ex-husband’s workshop and garage into a really cozy efficiency apartment — big enough to suit her needs and desires. The arrangement has worked beautifully for everyone concerned.
9. Telling grandchildren that Grandma and Grandpa are splitting can definitely be a challenge. So much depends on the age of the children, their degree of closeness to the grandparents, and how much acrimony is flying. I have been told by grandparent-clients that they struggled with this situation, but those very close to the grandchildren often wanted to be involved in the explanation and give reassurance that both grandparents would continue to adore them.
10. Involvement of adult children can be helpful to an attorney. In one case I met with my new client and her daughter. Mom had to leave the room for a few minutes, and the daughter whispered, “You know, my mother has been diagnosed with early stage dementia.” No, I did NOT know! People are always nervous and forgetful in our initial meeting. This was obviously a crucial piece of information.
The best gift a child can receive after a parental divorce is to see both parents thrive and bounce back from one of life’s most challenging upheavals. This applies to adult children as well.
JANICE GREEN practices family law in Austin,TX, is listed in Best Lawyers in America, is a Fellow in the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, and her recently published book, Divorce After 50: Your Guide to the Unique Legal & Financial Challenges, includes a discussion about the roles adult children play in their parents’ divorce later in life.
Star of Bethenny Getting Married, Bethenny (Frankel) Hoppy and actress, Jessica Alba both admit to a night nanny being a must have. Modern momma, actress and star of hit reality show, Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, Tori Spelling swears by the Orbit stroller. Star of the movie, “The Kids Are Alright,” Julianne Moore says that traveling with mozerella cheese sticks and crackers for her two kids is a must have and modern momma and actress, 
Spicy Wifey
Parenting from guilt can be considered one of the seven deadly sins of the blended family and remarriage. Knowing that the adult problem of divorce affects not just our lives but that of our children, is not only discomforting, but heartbreaking. When a woman divorces, she more than likely becomes a single-parent overnight. As a result, it seems as if she turns on a mechanism that doesn’t have time to cater to the effects of guilt feelings right away, due to the fact that she has to put on and wear several hats at once. Single moms are actually encouraged to put guilt aside and avoid blaming themselves. However, with most of my male clients, I see the “guilt parenting” from the start. In fact, most men that I meet that are divorced say the same thing…”My children don’t live with me so when they are with me, I overcompensate for not being there on a daily basis.” So, essentially, most fall into the trap of being a “Disneyland Dad” and/or they allow negative thoughts to consume their feelings which in turn causes them to hazardly parent their children. They believe that by “doing” things with their children instead of actually “being” with their children it will make up for their daily absence in their lives. WRONG! The myth that a non-custodial parent has to pack every single minute of the time they share with their children with fun activities and/or by giving or buying them things actually does more harm than good. Dads….your children need a father not a playmate. They need a structured environment, not a funhouse. They need you to parent without guilt.
Below is a thought provoking, powerful story about marriage and divorce, written by an unknown author. For me, it further confirms my point that marriage is something that is to be cherished, nurtured and protected. If any of you reading this story is considering divorce, I sincerely hope it makes you think twice.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
Actor Laurence Fishburne’s 18 year old daughter, Montana Fishburne, will release her first X-rated DVD later this month.
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Ta’Keisha Violet Ryan is currently the Assistant Director of Midwest Fashion Week and works side by side with some of the best designers in the Midwest. A love of fashion is what led her to create her blog 
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I obtained a passport in less than 3 days by using Fastport Passport!
