If he has a pulse and a penis, he does it. He looks. He lingers. He lusts. While alone, his eyes are free to roam and take in the sights of all approaching T & A mountainous hillsides. And he will…guilt-free. However, while accompanied by his lady love, the hills have eyes. And those eyes will burn him like the fires of hell if he’s caught checking out the view. We’ve all felt said heat from time to time. Let’s say…we’re out enjoying a nice night as a couple, when a sultry sexpot sashays by…seemingly, with the intention of owning every set of male eyes within a 5 mile radius. He struggles to maintain control of his strong-willed peepers. She awaits the inevitable turn of his head, as if an invisible string connects his nose to that sashay. He tries, and fails, to cover his distraction. Too late. Not only did she notice, but she counted the seconds as his “distraction” sashayed by. Upon regaining control of his eyes, he’s now aware of his mistake and awaits his fate. Suddenly on the defense, he must dodge the onslaught of questions… “Were you looking at her?” “Do you think she’s pretty?” “Have you no respect for me?” He freezes…wondering at what turn his words will betray him. And they will.
Though dramatic, this is a situation none of us is unfamiliar with. And, yes, ALL men check out other women while in our charming company. Some are more tactful about it, and wisely hover just under the radar like a graceful eagle…others, not so much, and ignorantly flail around over that radar like a one-winged vulture frantic to get its last meal. Graceful or flailing…they look.
Women want to know WHY? “Am I so unattractive that he must look elsewhere?” And men want to know why she cares? “Why is it such a big deal that I glance in another woman’s direction?”
Ladies, he simply can’t help it. He’s biologically programmed and dominated by his testosterone to check out any and all attractive women who cross his path. While his ogling may offend us, it’s completely meaningless to him. He’s only noticing and appreciating. With this glance comes no desire, nor intention, to jump ship and rock someone else’s boat. In fact, he attaches no feeling to his ogling object, whatsoever. Experts say that when men are checking out other women, they unconsciously depersonalize them. So, it’s nothing more than a once-over…then-over moment of admiration. This depersonalization, experts believe, is a byproduct of human evolution…a method once used to ensure drama-free spread of his seed. His primal goal was but one: to mate. No emotion, no commotion…wham, bam, thank you ma’am.
This is why men don’t understand what all the fuss is about. To him, looking is as natural as breathing. He’s irrevocably hard-wired to look at attractive women. It’s the nature of the beast. Studies on brain scans reveal that men have “reward centers” that are triggered when looking at images of women’s faces and bodies. As we all know, men are visual creatures. The simple act of looking at attractive women rewards his brain and encourages him to do it again. The study also proved the reverse situation not to be true. When looking at attractive men, women did not have a “reward center” triggered in her brain…different brains, different gains.
Guess What? She's Looking Too!
Having said that, men must understand why she feels threatened by his sudden visual vacation. Guess what though! She’s looking too! She’s checked out her competition just as quickly as he has…maybe quicker. And while she may not be able to look away any easier than he, the last thing she needs is his validation that she’s fallen a notch on his hot-o-meter. And when he does validate her fall, she gets angry. Her anger isn’t driven by jealousy, but by insecurity. She may feel hotter than a busty stripper in the Sahara desert, but let a slightly hotter female catch his eye…and she’s a slave to her insecurity. She’s well aware of how visual men are, so if she loses his eye to another…even for a second…her loss of confidence eats at her, and at the most inopportune time…you guessed it…sex! If she’s feeling insecure come bump ‘n’ grind time, she’ll likely invent an excuse to avoid it. Guys, it’s in your best interest to keep your visual dessert desires to yourself if you want to enjoy the entree.
The last thing she wants is to be compared to a hotter woman…feeling inferior isn’t good for the ego. And fellas, if the tables were turned, and she were ogling a hotter guy whose “goods” were wrestling with his shorts like an anaconda in a body bag…the same insecurity would fester. Each of us is subject to being emotionally bullied by our “less than lusty” self perception.
Ladies, it isn’t rational to ask him not to notice other women…EVEN when in our company. Asking him not to be visual is the equivalent of asking us not to be emotional. Both are biological traits we have little control over. But any control we can muster will greatly enhance our relationship with the opposite sex. Just as we should scale back the irrational tears and attempt to spare him excess drama, he should make the same attempt to spare us the visual lust fest he feels when crossing paths with a beautiful woman. Too much emotion is foreign to him…just as too much drooling is misunderstood by her.
The least we can do is be aware of our biological nature and the feelings (be them positive or negative) brought on by that biology. Yes, he has a basic, unfettered need to size women up. Always has. Always will. Ladies… accept him…all of him…from his thighs to his eyes. Try not to be insulted. Remember, it’s anything but personal…it’s instinct. He places much less importance on a lingering glance than we do. And guys…keep the ogling at bay…notice, appreciate, and quickly move on. Lingering will kill her self-confidence, which in turn, will kill your sex life. Your sex life is only as good as her biggest insecurity. Make her feel good, and she’ll return the favor.
Tame the wandering eye, and she won’t have to wonder why.
Chick Hughes is a wife of 15 years, mother of 2, and lover of psychology. She holds a B.S. in Psychology and offers insight, advice, and humor on relationships, sex, and family. She has extensive experience with children, but now stays home with her own children, Patrick (9) and Anna (3), who both delight and challenge her daily. You can visit her website at http://chickhughes.com/ to read more of her work. Or you can visit her fan page on Facebook, Chick Hughes, where you can participate in discussions relating to her current topic.
Thirteen years ago I had a beautiful baby boy! His father and I were overjoyed. He was perfect; so perfect that I decided that I didn’t want or need anymore children. I was perfectly fine with him being my only child. I had a rough pregnancy and his father worked out of the country for most of the year. Children, if you are a full-time parent, require 100% of your time and one was all I could take. Even when the relationship with his dad didn’t work out, I still vowed that my son would be the only child. People would always say things like, “Won’t you want one with your husband when you get married?” Or, they would wonder what would happen to my son when his parents died. Who would be his support system? Who would he visit during the holidays, etc.? I have to admit that those last questions got to me. The one future thing I was definitely worried about was him being alone! I wanted him to have brothers and sisters, but I just didn’t want to be the one to have them. 
You’re probably asking yourself….the link in your chain? What does she mean? Well, as the end of the year gets closer and good memories of times past seem abundant, I began to think about the link in my chain. What ties me so personally to these certain memories and why I cherish them so much. For starters, I am a big believer in “making memories” as I call it. I think it all began being raised by a single parent and not having much money to do extra-curricular activities and stuff a lot of the other children I grew up around got to do (i.e., go to Disney World, fun amusement parks, yearly vacations, etc.). However, our lives were filled with picnics on the Potomac River (which was a block from our home), beautiful car rides once every weekend where we would find a different route to take each time, and of course, imagination! We would head to the free national museums in Washington, DC which was only a short drive from our home. We didn’t have much, but we had a lot of love. My grandparents came to visit us at holidays and every Summer. That is where the link in my chain starts. I would watch both of my sets of grandparents cook. Therefore, I fell in love with cooking. My grandfather made the best breakfasts and my grandmothers, well, I needn’t say anything more. She would throw down in the kitchen! So, every weekend, I get out my link, my grandmother’s cookbook, and I look at her handwritten notes next to recipes that she liked or didn’t like, and try to prepare them just as she did. My great-grandmother even made some notes in that same cookbook! What a treasure it is to me. As, I go through my time with that cookbook, I get re-filled with lots of loving memories. I am reading a beautiful book called Miriam’s Kitchen by Elizabeth Ehrlich. This true and absolutely beautiful story did for me just what I am asking you to tell us….have you found the link in your chain? If so, we would love to hear it!
There is no way around it. The divorce rate for remarriages is 60 percent, compared to 50 percent for first marriages. The majority of which fall apart within two or three years of the wedding, leaving an estimated half-million children to cope with yet another split-up. Those statistics simply take my breath away. Even with these stunning statistics people still seem to think that building a stepfamily is just as easy, or should be anyway, as building a nuclear family.
If you are new to the uprising blended family phenomenon, what may seem like a colossal event really may just be a common blended family problem that can be combated with a little time, understanding and effort by all parties involved. As we all know, marriage is tough. Remarriage is even harder. Stir in a couple kids from one or both sides and you have a whole new set of dynamics. However, just like the art of baking, if you get your measurements down to science, you can come out with a great pastry. The same holds true with the blended family. As soon as you learn to (a) put your marriage first, (2) reframe and redirect your emotions and your reactions to certain situations, and (3) decide commit to not allowing discord to seep into your marriage, your blended family then becomes strong and life-giving. 
I was watching the MoNique Show the other night; one of the rare occasions when I’m actually awake (it comes on at 11pm) and happened to catch it. In her opening comedic monologue she talked about being an “Anger Junkie.” Now of course she put her comedic spin on the term and had me cracking up, but as I pondered on the term I realized that there was a lot of truth to her jokes. 
Former Friends’ co-star, Courteney Cox and husband, actor, David Arquette, officially announced their separation today.
I enjoyed my virtual chat with Jenn Mangino, founder of 
Jenn: Yes. Constantly. I knew the divorce was right for me, I knew it was right for my Ex, but how could it possibly be right for my daughter? I looked in her blue eyes and vowed to do everything in my power to create a divorce situation that would have minimal impact on her life. That meant-to me- that she deserved to have easy access to both her parents. I believe in her right to her own relationships. 
Kela: I know it’s hard not to worry about our babies when they are away from us, especially when they are very young. But I do feel it’s important for ex-wives to utilize that time to reclaim their lives. What do you do during, what I like to call, your “Jenn” time?
Then, divorce happens and we are expected to give up control over everything that happens to them during someone else’s parenting time. If there is a stepparent involved, then we are asked to trust someone we don’t even know with our most precious gift, our children. Often times, there are issues with communication between the adults, so we are not even given the balm of knowledge to ease our fear, and our utter lack of control. It’s scary, it’s unsettling, it’s unnerving, and it’s frustrating.
Let’s be honest, after divorce, for men and women alike, it’s extremely difficult not to become bitter. I know, I myself, after my divorce was extremely bitter. Bitter toward an ex-husband whom I felt didnt’ deserve to be happy. Bitter toward myself as well and expected that I wouldn’t be happy again. However, when life hands you lemons….make lemonade. We can’t control the cards we are dealt. We just have to live with them, move past them and get to a better place in our lives where we can continue to be productive parents, individuals and yes, even happy.
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
I obtained a passport in less than 3 days by using Fastport Passport!
