If he has a pulse and a penis, he does it. He looks. He lingers. He lusts. While alone, his eyes are free to roam and take in the sights of all approaching T & A mountainous hillsides. And he will…guilt-free. However, while accompanied by his lady love, the hills have eyes. And those eyes will burn him like the fires of hell if he’s caught checking out the view. We’ve all felt said heat from time to time. Let’s say…we’re out enjoying a nice night as a couple, when a sultry sexpot sashays by…seemingly, with the intention of owning every set of male eyes within a 5 mile radius. He struggles to maintain control of his strong-willed peepers. She awaits the inevitable turn of his head, as if an invisible string connects his nose to that sashay. He tries, and fails, to cover his distraction. Too late. Not only did she notice, but she counted the seconds as his “distraction” sashayed by. Upon regaining control of his eyes, he’s now aware of his mistake and awaits his fate. Suddenly on the defense, he must dodge the onslaught of questions… “Were you looking at her?” “Do you think she’s pretty?” “Have you no respect for me?” He freezes…wondering at what turn his words will betray him. And they will.
Though dramatic, this is a situation none of us is unfamiliar with. And, yes, ALL men check out other women while in our charming company. Some are more tactful about it, and wisely hover just under the radar like a graceful eagle…others, not so much, and ignorantly flail around over that radar like a one-winged vulture frantic to get its last meal. Graceful or flailing…they look.
Women want to know WHY? “Am I so unattractive that he must look elsewhere?” And men want to know why she cares? “Why is it such a big deal that I glance in another woman’s direction?”
Ladies, he simply can’t help it. He’s biologically programmed and dominated by his testosterone to check out any and all attractive women who cross his path. While his ogling may offend us, it’s completely meaningless to him. He’s only noticing and appreciating. With this glance comes no desire, nor intention, to jump ship and rock someone else’s boat. In fact, he attaches no feeling to his ogling object, whatsoever. Experts say that when men are checking out other women, they unconsciously depersonalize them. So, it’s nothing more than a once-over…then-over moment of admiration. This depersonalization, experts believe, is a byproduct of human evolution…a method once used to ensure drama-free spread of his seed. His primal goal was but one: to mate. No emotion, no commotion…wham, bam, thank you ma’am.
This is why men don’t understand what all the fuss is about. To him, looking is as natural as breathing. He’s irrevocably hard-wired to look at attractive women. It’s the nature of the beast. Studies on brain scans reveal that men have “reward centers” that are triggered when looking at images of women’s faces and bodies. As we all know, men are visual creatures. The simple act of looking at attractive women rewards his brain and encourages him to do it again. The study also proved the reverse situation not to be true. When looking at attractive men, women did not have a “reward center” triggered in her brain…different brains, different gains.
Having said that, men must understand why she feels threatened by his sudden visual vacation. Guess what though! She’s looking too! She’s checked out her competition just as quickly as he has…maybe quicker. And while she may not be able to look away any easier than he, the last thing she needs is his validation that she’s fallen a notch on his hot-o-meter. And when he does validate her fall, she gets angry. Her anger isn’t driven by jealousy, but by insecurity. She may feel hotter than a busty stripper in the Sahara desert, but let a slightly hotter female catch his eye…and she’s a slave to her insecurity. She’s well aware of how visual men are, so if she loses his eye to another…even for a second…her loss of confidence eats at her, and at the most inopportune time…you guessed it…sex! If she’s feeling insecure come bump ‘n’ grind time, she’ll likely invent an excuse to avoid it. Guys, it’s in your best interest to keep your visual dessert desires to yourself if you want to enjoy the entree.
The last thing she wants is to be compared to a hotter woman…feeling inferior isn’t good for the ego. And fellas, if the tables were turned, and she were ogling a hotter guy whose “goods” were wrestling with his shorts like an anaconda in a body bag…the same insecurity would fester. Each of us is subject to being emotionally bullied by our “less than lusty” self perception.
Ladies, it isn’t rational to ask him not to notice other women…EVEN when in our company. Asking him not to be visual is the equivalent of asking us not to be emotional. Both are biological traits we have little control over. But any control we can muster will greatly enhance our relationship with the opposite sex. Just as we should scale back the irrational tears and attempt to spare him excess drama, he should make the same attempt to spare us the visual lust fest he feels when crossing paths with a beautiful woman. Too much emotion is foreign to him…just as too much drooling is misunderstood by her.
The least we can do is be aware of our biological nature and the feelings (be them positive or negative) brought on by that biology. Yes, he has a basic, unfettered need to size women up. Always has. Always will. Ladies… accept him…all of him…from his thighs to his eyes. Try not to be insulted. Remember, it’s anything but personal…it’s instinct. He places much less importance on a lingering glance than we do. And guys…keep the ogling at bay…notice, appreciate, and quickly move on. Lingering will kill her self-confidence, which in turn, will kill your sex life. Your sex life is only as good as her biggest insecurity. Make her feel good, and she’ll return the favor.
Tame the wandering eye, and she won’t have to wonder why.
Chick Hughes is a wife of 15 years, mother of 2, and lover of psychology. She holds a B.S. in Psychology and offers insight, advice, and humor on relationships, sex, and family. She has extensive experience with children, but now stays home with her own children, Patrick (9) and Anna (3), who both delight and challenge her daily. You can visit her website at http://chickhughes.com/ to read more of her work. Or you can visit her fan page on Facebook, Chick Hughes, where you can participate in discussions relating to her current topic.