Today’s Modern Family’s Top 10 Posts of 2010

December 29, 2010 By 2 Comments

We’ve had a blast in 2010 and are looking forward to an even better 2011. Join us as we look back at our top 10 posts of the year.

  1. Former Basketball Wife, Tami Roman Speaks Candidly About Life After Divorce
  2. Kiss My Azz…All Married Couples Fight
  3. Brandi Glanville Speaks Out About Affair on “The Talk”
  4. Living Well is the Best Revenge
  5. Today’s Modern Family’s Top Ten Mom Must Haves
  6. Step Martyrs Are Not Loveable
  7. Double Standards of Divorce and Co-Parenting
  8. Teaching Kids to Deal With Disappointment
  9. Protecting the Stepmother’s Mental Health
  10. Super Stepmom Syndrome

Happy New Year Readers! We wish you and your families joy, peace and success in 2011.

Grace and Peace,

Kela and Diane

 

Share
Filed Under: Good News Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Former Basketball Wife, Tami Roman, Speaks Candidly About Life After Divorce

December 27, 2010 By 18 Comments

 When I first approached the newest cast member of VH1′s second season of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman, about doing an interview on Today’s Modern Family, I must say I wasn’t surprised by her humble response. “I would be honored to do an interview for you,” she said. By that one simple statement, I knew that Tami Roman was a very different person than what has been projected in the media and by what we see on the edited reality show. Tami is an extremely down to earth, very real chick who was eager and gracious enough to speak candidly with me about her journey from the Real World reality show to marriage to high profile professional basketball player, Kenny Anderson, to single mother on welfare and to finding love again.

romantami1

Newest Star of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman

Marriage to and Divorce from Professional Basketball Player

When Tami met, fell in love with and eventually married Kenny Anderson, she thought it would be forever.  She got everything she had been hoping for when she was younger; a beautiful home, financial stability and a husband. She expressed how she soon began to lose sight of reality as her privileged lifestyle came with a certain status that she felt was now her norm. Although Tami seemingly had everything she had been hoping for since she was a child, she wasn’t prepared for what she didn’t get from her husband; respect, love, honor, integrity and commitment.

 Eventually, Kenny had multiple affairs that ultimately led to the demise of the marriage. But because she too came from a broken home and was raised without a father; she didn’t want that for Lyric and Jazz, the beautiful daughters that she shares with Kenny. As a result, she accepted the infidelity for as long as she did because of them.

After the divorce Tami expressed that things got really bad between her and Kenny and Tami admitted to not always making the best decisions regarding her daughters and their relationship with their father. She openly expressed that she did not know how to co-parent and feels as if her daughters suffered because of it.

“By the time Kenny and I got divorced, it was really, really bad. We couldn’t have a conversation for two minutes without yelling at each other, cursing each other or hanging up the phone,” she said.

Because Kenny has been so adamant about Tami keeping the girls away from him and has given that as his reason for lack of involvement; I asked Tami if she intentionally or maybe even subconsciously kept him away from the kids.

“Again, by the time we divorced it [our communication with each other] was really bad. Now we had to try to co-parent and make arrangements for my daughters, who were only 6 and 4 at the time, to see their dad. Kenny wanted me to put my 6 and 4 year old on a plane by themselves and fly them to wherever he was, and I wasn’t okay with that. So, in his mind, I was keeping the kids away from him. In my mind, I was just being a mother and looking out for my children. And so, we could never come to a happy medium,” Tami explained.

Moving forward Tami expressed how she wanted her daughters and Kenny to continue to develop some type of relationship. Although she’s grateful that they have began to do so, she is realistic and knows that it will take baby steps to eventually get to her desired outcome, and that is that Lyric and Jazz will truly know their father as a person and not just in name only.

The Downfall

During the first couple of episodes of Basketball Wives, Tami candidly spoke about going from wife of a professional basketball player to single mother on welfare. During our interview she went on to explain that although she did sign a prenuptial agreement prior to marrying Kenny, that basically said, “what you came with is what you’re leaving with,” that agreement did not apply to their daughters. Kenny did pay a large monthly sum of money for Lyric and Jazz post divorce, for a period of time.  However, she admitted that she did not make good financial decisions because she was trying to maintain the lifestyle that she had when she was married to their father; not understanding that the reality was that she was no longer married to their father. Tami described how she let a lot of people take control of her life and in turn, wasn’t making proper maternal decisions for her daughters.

“People would say things like, ‘you can’t live in that house, you need this house,’ or ‘your kids don’t need to be shopping at Target.’ And I allowed all of that to alter my perception of my real reality and that was that I was divorced and a single mother.”

 Tami tried to maintain a lifestyle that she admits she didn’t necessarily need and looked up one day and the funds were depleted. Roman holds herself accountable for her financial crisis and insists that she does not blame Kenny for it. She explained that if she had managed her finances the way she should have before Kenny stopped paying child support, there would not have been a downfall, but she didn’t and takes sole responsibility for it.

Basketball Wives

Tami expressed that she was actually approached by VH1 for the first season of Basketball Wives but turned it down because she had worked for 10 years trying to distance herself from the whole reality television genre. She had actually re-entered into corporate America as a financial analyst and would have rather done that than another reality show. However, as she prayed about her journey and what God wanted her to learn from it, she decided that it would be a great opportunity to be a living testimony. She explained how it took her moving through her storm to realize that Kenny was not to blame for everything that has happened to her, but she had to be accountable for her mistakes after their marriage. As a result, she thought that she could perhaps educate others who have experienced or are experiencing similar circumstances.

“I needed for men to see what happens when you’re not emotionally there for your children. I needed for women to see that when you’re in a situation and making money, it’s not about pushing the Louis Vuitton; it’s about investing and making the right choices for the future instead of solely living in that moment,” said Tami.

What’s Next for Tami

Currently, Tami Roman is definitely in love again and explained how the adversity that she has faced, has actually made her better for her current partner. When I asked about her current beau, I could hear the glow in Tami’s face which made the picture much more vivid. She and independent film maker, which she wishes to remain anonymous, have been going strong for 3 years now and are happy with the family they have created. Although they haven’t solidified any wedding plans just yet, they have talked about it.

“I am so in love and it’s definitely a beautiful place to be. After you have gone through something that’s not right, you can definitely recognize when it is right. Because we’ve both been married before, we didn’t think we needed to get married to validate our our love for each other, initially. However, as we have progressed in our relationship, we have talked about it,” said Roman.

Tami is still acting as well and jokingly said that Tyler Perry needs to hurry up and give her a call for a role in his next film. She is also working on a book about her life, which she hopes will give people an inside view as to who the real Tami is. In addition to all of that, Tami still finds time to give back and is working with a charity called Project Girl; a troop of spoken word artists who range from age 13 to 18, and go around to schools to mentor young girls through spoken word.

From publicly talking about her abortion on the Real World over 10 years ago, to candidly airing her co-parenting issues with ex-husband, Kenny Anderson, on VH1′s second season of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman displays an authenticity and vulnerability that makes her relatable, human and definitely someone you’d want to hang out with. She definitely makes the top of our superchick list!

Please be sure to catch Tami on the second season of Basketball Wives, Sundays at 8/7 Central on VH1.

Share
Filed Under: Stepfamilies Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

People Magazine Names Sandra Bullock Woman of the Year

December 21, 2010 By 1 Comment

bullockpeopleModern Momma, actress, and Oscar winner, Sandra Bullock is not only on a recent cover of People Magazine, but they also named her Woman of the Year!

2010 was a trying time for Sandra Bullock, because she discovered her ex-husband, Jesse James, was cheating on her. However, her Oscar win for her performance in the hit movie, The Blind Slide, and the adoption of her adorable son, Louis, also gave her something to celebrate.  A source close to Sandra said that bad things happen, but the great thing about Sandra is that she celebrates the good things and Louis is definitely a celebration of good things.

The fact that Bullock handled her tumultulous and very public divorce from James with integrity, grace and optimism AND the challenge of single motherhood, yet still focused on the good things is certainly one of the reasons she was named Woman of the Year. 

Way to go Sandra! We hope 2011 is even better!

Share
Filed Under: Entertainment Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Easy and Inexpensive Holiday Decorating

December 21, 2010 By Leave a Comment

header-3 I love decorating my house for the Holidays.  Tree trimming hasn’t ever just been about my tree.  I trim everything from the kitchen, the bathroom and my desk at work.  I wanted to share with our readers some of my ideas that are not just easy but also inexpensive as well. 

For example, did you know that using pinecones on your christmas tree, around your candles and in your fireplace make beautiful accents and spruce up everyone’s holiday spirits.  If real pine cones arent available in your area, every dollar store carries them ready to hang on your tree.  Personally, that is where I purchase mine and I purchase the lovely snow tipped ones which really make your tree look authentic.  If you have the luxury of having real pinecones, you can dip the edges in glitter glue and tie a ribbon around the top portion in order to hang them on the tree.  Kids love to do this as well and it makes for happy memory making.

Not to toot my own horn, but I always get compliments on my tree ornaments.  What people don’t know is that half of the ornaments on my tree cost less than $2.00 per ornament, some even being as low as $0.59.  My secret you might ask?  I hit the craft stores the weekend after Christmas and definitiely hit the dollar stores all during the holiday season and pick up extra ordinary, unusual ornaments.  Natural ornaments give trees that old fashioned look (i.e., pinecones, wooden toy ornaments, wooden birdhouses, snowflakes, angels and stars).  These visual affirmations, for me, help me to de-stress and make me much calmer during all of the hecticness of the season.  Actually, taking time enjoying these beautiful ornaments, calming lights and decorations makes me feel closer to God and to nature.  It makes my spirit sing. 

Lastly, decorating for my family allows me to escape back to a time when I enjoyed watching my mother and grandmothers decorate and share memories.  Through these memories, we learn each other’s stories and we connect to one another as family.

TMF Readers, let us in on your holiday decorating tips.  We would love to hear them. 

Peace, Blessings and Happy Decorating!
Di

Share
Filed Under: The Nest Tagged With: , , , ,

Kick the Barnacle Syndrome to the Curb This Holiday Season

December 21, 2010 By Leave a Comment

kickingwomanThis is a repost by author, stepmom and all around awesome superchick, Wednesday Martin.

Many of you asked me to elaborate on the topic of “Barnacle Syndrome,” which I touched on briefly in a recent article for StepMom Magazine. Barnacle Syndrome may be especially acute during the holiday season, so here goes.

 

If you’re feeling like you just got “tacked on” to your husband’s life–that it’s all about the way he and his kids do it, that you have lost your connections to your traditions, your family, your strength your identity, your self–and are experiencing it especially over the holiday season, here’s what’s likely going on…and what you can do:

1. Feeling like a Barnacle means there is an imbalance of power in your marriage or partnership with a man with kids. Stepfamily and gender researcher Jamie Kelem Keshet writes about how women with stepchildren are more likely to be married to men who are older and more established; to move into his place “because it’s easier for the kids” or because it’s bigger; to move away from their families of origin/relocate to be with their husbands (who sometimes move to be closer to their kids); and, if they are themselves childless, to feel special pressure to take on a “maternal” role with his kids. I’m personally a poster-child for Barnacle Syndrome. When we married, my husband was seven years older, much more established, living with his adolescent daughter. I was younger, single, more mobile. I lived hundreds and hundreds of miles from my family of origin, was less established in my career, had no kids of my own. And so it only made sense for me to sell my car and most of my stuff and move in with him. And become a mother-like figure to his daughter. Right?

Holy inequalities, Batman, what a recipe for potential disaster! I remember looking around “our” house one day and realizing my contribution was a couple of throw pillows and a lamp. Meanwhile, my husband’s daughter already had a perfectly good mother and didn’t need another one, thank you very much. She was also an adolescent and like all healthy adolescents, felt the need to separate and differentiate far more acutely than the desire to have another quasi-parental figure in her life. My feeling of losing myself and my past and my very identity, and feeling overwhelmed by a role I didn’t even understand, came to a head as our first Christmas together approached, and my husband informed me that his plan for Christmas day was to spend it driving six hours round-trip to pick up his daughters from their mother’s place, “Since that’s what I’ve always done.” Cue tape of confused, frustrated wife and stepmother going postal (my husband, to his credit, listened to me and realized this was not an auspicious way to begin our annual Christmas tradition as a couple. He opened up his mind, and we made a plan that worked for both of us, and for our marriage).

Feeling and being “tacked on” like a barnacle to your husband’s previous life is common–but it’s not a normal, inevitable, or natural state of affairs. It’s a sign that you and your partner need to reset the balance, and get to a place where you feel like and are true partners, equals in the household and the relationship.

2. If you’re feeling like a barnacle or outsider, make a priority to change that, and do it stat, since power imbalances create resentment. In fact, you might say that the road to divorce is paved with power imbalances! Whether it’s an unequal distribution of household work, a sense that his kids have more say than you do in the family, or a feeling that you are living in a “haunted house” since you moved into his place, Barnacle Syndrome is a sign that you and your spouse have work to do. It’s not the end of the world. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. Once you give this feeling of imbalance and being on the outside a name, you are in a much better position to address it!

3. You might need help from a professional when dealing with the charged topic of feeling like a barnacle or outsider in your own home. Until you and your partner get there, though, there is plenty you can do. Let your partner know–without a trace of anger or resentment in your voice (I know, it’s hard, but let’s be strategic here!)–that you want this holiday to feel balanced, festive, and comfortable for everyone. To that end, let him know you’d like to have your own family, your own friends, anyone who helps you feel supported and understood, around a lot this holiday season. Avoid situations where it’s just you, him, and his kids. Not only because you will feel better, but because the research shows that often, when stepparents, parents, and step/kids all come together without others around, it activates everyone’s anxiety about being an outsider. His kids of all ages will likely feel relieved if your friends and family are there to make things a little more interesting, and cut down on the sense that you’re all trying to feel like a “real family,” whatever that means. With that pressure off, you might find that his kids are open to some one-on-one time with you (stepfamily members also bond well one-on-one).

4. In addition to bulwarking yourself with supportive friends and family during the holiday time, consider doing less. If his kids are in a loyalty bind, the less you do on their behalf, the less they will have to feel indebted to and ambivalent about you. Rather than being a martyr who bends over backwards to cook all their favorite foods, for example, set the bar at being welcoming and appropriately open to interactions with them, based on their cues. It can make the difference between feeling depleted and drained and enjoying the holiday.

5. Finally, remember to get out. We’re so stuck in the “first family head” when we think about what’s best for stepfamilies. Guess what? Experts agree that stepmothers especially need time away from their husbands and stepkids when they’re around. It helps us rejuvenate and reset, and prevents stepmaternal burnout. In addition, you will seem like less of a “Dad hog” if you let the kids of any age have alone time with their father while you’re out doing something you really enjoy.

 

wednesdaymartintnWednesday Martin is the author of the highly recommended and surprisingly honest book, Stepmonster. In it, she tells the truth about being a stepmom, backed by solid research and personal experiences. Wednesday Martin has worked as writer and social researcher in New York City for almost two decades. She has been a stepmother for nine years and lives in New York City with her husband and their two sons. Please visit www.wednesdaymartin.com to learn more.

Share
Filed Under: Stepfamilies Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

“PAY IT FORWARD” HOLIDAY IDEAS

December 13, 2010 By 1 Comment

pay-it-forward1As the holidays approach, our hearts tend to get bigger.  For me, I love the idea of “paying it forward” a little bit.  Why not spread a little holiday cheer to those less fortunate. 

Those less fortunate don’t have to be just homeless people, although those folks are very much on my mind during the winter and holiday season, as well as throughout the year.  But also, for example, those single parents spending Christmas alone or in general struggling to put food on the table and gifts under the tree.   I have to admit that I am a little partial as I was a single mom for years, and for many of those years I felt awful alone.  Although I was happy to be able to make my children happy on Christmas morning, for many years, my holiday cheer wasn’t so great.  Not only was I single and struggling but daggone it, there was never anything under the tree for me to open!  Of course, that sounds a little selfish, but really, it isn’t.  The struggles of single parents out there are one too many to count and during the holidays, it’s compounded. As a result, single parents often become depressed so it would be nice to “pay it forward” a bit and find a single parent to whom we can spread a little cheer if we are able.  Now, please note that my focus for this post is not about “receiving gifts” but rather to focus on just appreciating where each of us really is in our lives. Perhaps doing so will encourage us to think about someone else and thereby, make a difference.

Here are a few ideas I thought I would share with you:

1.  One thing I always like to do during the season is to make a pact with myself that I will not spend money eating out during lunch hours at work and take that little bit of money to purchase 5 or 10 separate $5.00 gift cards from a restaurant and/or Starbucks and hand them out to homeless people I see on the street downtown in the city I live in.  It may not be much but each one I have handed out in the past, the person has been extremely appreciative to be able to purchase a small hot meal and/or a hot chocolate or coffee in the extreme cold weather.   This year, my little boy will accompany me in handing out the cards.  I feel it is important that he knows how very important it is to offer his hand of  help.  He is old enough now and that giving lesson will take him through the rest of his life, and will be one that he can pass on.

2.  Help out by buying a few extra food pantry items at your local grocery store and taking them to your local church or organization that gives out gift boxes each year and/or taking a bag of groceries to the single parent you might know from work that is struggling would make a huge difference.

3.  Talk to your job administrators about adopting a nursing home for the holidays.  We do this at my job every single year and year after year, and I get so much joy out of receiving a list of what a special elderly person may want for Christmas and getting everything on that list!  Now, of course, you don’t have to purchase everything they ask for, but for me, the 3 or 4 small items they usually want doesnt bust a hole in my pocket and I love doing it.  I have actually witnessed the delivery of these gifts and the reactions these folks have when they receive their gifts.  Some are very alone.  Some get no visitors at all.  It is extra special and always touches my heart in more ways than one. 

Remember TMF readers, Christmas is not as much about opening presents as it is about opening our hearts.  Sometimes in life things happen to us that are bigger than we are for the moment and a lot of those times people just need a “hand-up.”  Remember, Giving is itself a GIFT. 

Merry Christmas and Happy Giving!
Di

Share
Filed Under: Renew You Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Christmas Crafting 101

December 12, 2010 By Leave a Comment

150Anyone who knows me knows I love crafting, especially at Christmas.  The picture at right is one of my village houses that I painted myself and crafted with fake snow among other things.  I buy these village houses from craft stores and on the internet in their original plaster/ceramic form and very much enjoy making them my own.  Most of the ornaments on my tree are ones I have painted myself as well. 

This fun tradition was something both my grandmother and great-grandmother instilled in me.  Growing up, every year, we would receive several beautiful new onaments that they would specially create for us.  I took those memories and decided years ago to make those same memories with my children.  My tree is fitted with an ornament that each of them has painted every year.  It is really special. 

Below are the links to a few of the places I order from:

Ceramic Art Space Online:  http://www.ceramicartspace.com/ceramics153_212/store.html

Michaels Online:  http://www.michaels.com/

santalantern1

village31

When working with plaster/ceramics such as the unfinished ornament on the left, it is important to use the right paints and varnish.  You can find these specific paints at any of your local craft stores.  I use the spray varnish to shine them up.  All of them come with pre-made holes in the top for easy hanging on your trees.  I use Christmas ribbon to make the little hangers and they always come out great!

As you can see, the final product you get from these unfinished crafts can be joyus and festive and they add a lot of decor to your homes during the holidays.  More importantly, when you take the time to create them yourself by using your own imagination and by allowing your children to also help you create, you are making invaluable memories for your children, like the ones that my grandmother and great-grandmother made with me.  I never forgot the time they spent with me and I always looked forward to that special time of the year when I could sit with them and watch their hands work. 

Merry Christmas TMF Readers and Happy Crafting!
Di

Share
Filed Under: Renew You Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Not All Pink For This Baby Girl!

December 5, 2010 By 3 Comments

We welcomed little Miss Blaire into the world on September 12th and she’s been stealing hearts ever since. She’s a healthy bouncing baby girl and her parents couldn’t be any more proud. It’s no wonder that this little princess needed a room fitted for her little tiara wearing self. But no traditional pink for this baby. Oh no, not with a mother who is a self-proclaimed lover of all things purple. Add a little green and there you have it! Baby Blaire’s nursery color scheme is complete.

 blairbear

 

widecrib

changingtable

 

closet

 

wallcloset

 

futon

mobile

Blair’s mother was inspired by the colors in an adorable baby shower card. With that in tow we went hunting for the perfect shades of purple and green paint at Home Depot and walked out 5 minutes later. Score! That was the easy part. We scouted a nearby Target for the perfect wall art. Score again! Very cute and girly white 3D butterflies. Michael’s had the perfect stencils (However, I don’t recommend using paper stencils when painting. The paint got underneath the stencil which required a lot of stencil clean up by hand) and mirrored flower and butterfly shaped wall decals were found at Babies “R” Us. The furniture and rug are from Buy Buy Baby. Pillows were purchased from Home Goods, which is one of my favorite places to shop for accessories. The white pillow with the star was custom-made by a friend of her grandmothers creating the perfect touch to the nursery. The futon and wall coverings were already in place which turned out great. The stuffed animals are courtesy of her mommy.

 showercard

The challenging part of this room makeover was…you guessed it! The stripes on the wall. This was actually my first time attempting to paint stripes. It was a really fun project. I definitely learned a lot. You must measure, measure, measure! That’s really the only way to ensure you’ll be pleased once you remove the tape and your stripes are revealed.

 closecrib

I must say this project was a real treat. I started a little over a week before Baby Blaire was born and it was a lot of fun to see her settling into her new digs. Her mother picked out much of the decor so painting and styling was all that was required. This room is now fit for the princess affectionately known by her family as Blaire Bear. By the way…no repainting this room till she’s 16 *wink*. Enjoy, Blaire!

rayneesmRaynée Crowe, TMF’s primary modern home contributor, is an interior decorating consultant who ironically never considered herself creative, and then one day the ‘ol proverbial light bulb went off. Her love for mixing and matching colors, patterns and decorating had manifested itself into daydreaming of color swatches, textiles and room arrangements. That passion and excitement grew and soon it was pure enjoyment as she worked with friends and clients to select color pallets, accessories, furniture and arrange spaces. Finally she understood the saying “if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life” and so in 2008 Color Vision LLC was born. For more information, you can email Raynee at yourcolorvision@gmail.com. For more great tips and ideas, check out her blog at www.yourcolorvision.wordpress.com.
Share
Filed Under: parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Do You Have a Marriage Crisis Intervention Team?

December 3, 2010 By 5 Comments

fightingcoupleLike Chick Hughes just mentioned in her last article all couples fight! It doesn’t mean you’re headed for divorce court or that one of you will end up on the next episoded of Snapped. It just means that you are comfortable enough with each other to disagree and say so. The argument itself isn’t the problem; it’s what you do afterward that will make or sometimes break your marriage.

The first mistake couples make is turning what is often times a trivial argument into a catastrophic event. I’ve personally witnessed couples get upset over the silliest things, but call their lawyer to draw up the divorce papers. Many times, it isn’t that deep at all, but out of fuming emotion, one or both will take it there. Why? Because they don’t have a good marriage crisis intervention team in place.

A marriage crisis intervention team are the people you call when you’re standing on the ledge and about to jump. A bad team of people will give that well-meaning but detrimental advice regarding what you should do as a result of the argument. Instead of offering an objective view point, they feed off of your emotion by saying things like, “girl, you should leave him,” “he’s probably cheating,” or “he ain’t no good.” These are the people who convince you to jump off that ledge and do something stupid, like drawing up those divorce papers or packing your stuff and leaving. YOU DO NOT WANT THESE PEOPLE ON YOUR MARRIAGE CRISIS INTERVENTION TEAM.

A good team will do the exact opposite and more. These are the people who will talk you off the ledge! They will remind you that you are just fuming with emotion and saying things that you really don’t mean. They know that you really don’t want your marriage to be over; you’re just mad right now. They listen, are supportive and remind you of how much you really do love your spouse. They convince you to wait a few days before making regretful decisions based on emotion. They ask thought provoking questions, like “Are you sure you’ve exhausted all of your options and you really want to end your marriage,” or, “Have you guys tried counseling?” This is the team that will fight for your marriage when you are too mad to do so. These are the people you should call if you need to vent after an argument with your spouse!

Again, ALL couples fight but the remarried couple provides even more opportunity for conflict. How you recover from those arguments partly depends on who catches you when you fall. A good marriage crisis intervention team will remind you that it really isn’t a crisis at all and make you realize that your marriage at least deserves a fighting chance.

Share
Filed Under: Love and Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Kiss My Azzzz…All Married Couples Fight!

December 2, 2010 By 7 Comments

couplebedfightHe’s mad.  She’s mad.  He yells.  She rebels.  He decides to call it a night.  She demands they stay up and finish the fight.   None of us is unfamiliar with the best marital advice this side of a divorce.  Drum roll please… “Never go to bed angry!”  It’s said that if we don’t hash through a disagreement before our head hits the pillow at night, it’ll lead to resentment and ultimately dismantle our relationship.  Well, I don’t know about the rest of the married world…but if I had to resolve every marital argument before going to sleep at night, I’d quickly resemble a zombie from the Thriller video.  And on that laughably inadequate amount of sleep, I’d be much less passive…think cross between “Zombieland” and “NightBitch On Elm Street.” Yeah, this is what happens when I “Never sleep again.”    But it turns out sleep-deprived fight nights and  groggy dark circle-eyed days don’t pave the spit-swapping way to make up sex.  So, in the event of a night brawl, should we stay awake and duke it out…or put our head to pillow while we internally shout?  Is “never go to bed angry” sound advice?

Psychologists say NO…it’s a myth.  They say couples are afraid of fighting…when, in fact, fighting (in moderation) is a sign of a healthy marriage.  We all fight.  It’s inevitable.  Spending minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day with the same person WILL lead to disagreement from time to time…unless you’re a deaf-mute…and even then the sight of their annoying breathing pattern may eventually tip your tolerance scale.  We coexist, therefore, we fight.    Sometimes over our passionately differing viewpoints…and sometimes over mundane little details of our deceptively delightful days.  Whatever we’re sparring over, experts say the fact that we’re sparring at all is a good sign.  It means we’re comfortable enough with ourselves, AND with our partners, to disagree.  That we won’t go along with whatever the other says just to avoid an argument.  They say it’s THIS bobble-headed “whatever you say” attitude that leads the bobbler to, one day, tire of nodding his head and leave the marital bed.  So, go ahead…speak up!

couplearguingIf you do speak up one late night opportune moment, emotions are running high, and the argument is going nowhere…pushing the issue while both partners are emotionally and physically drained will be more harmful and counterproductive than going to bed while angry.  When we’re exhausted and seething furiously, the last thing we want to do is LISTEN.  And just as important as sharing our opinion is LISTENING to that of our partner.  Listen, share, listen, share…compromise OR agree to disagree and move on.  But none are likely to happen in the middle of a war with lots of ammunition and little rational thought.  We’ll just keep hitting lower and lower below the belt trying to make our point.  In the end, we’ll still go to bed as our heads boil over with tears…however, now more damage has been done…and that damage cannot be undone.  This emotional unleashing is due to what psychologists call “flooding” …when we’re so overwhelmed with anger and emotion, all rational thought has evacuated our firehouse head, our hearts are pounding, and we lose all ability to fairly and justly resolve an argument.  It’s better to table the discussion until  morning and go to bed mad.

When you find yourself head on with a night fight, remember the three R’s:

Recharge: Go to sleep, get rest, and recharge your battery.  The issue at hand will be clearer with a rested mind.  With rest comes rational thought.  With rational thought comes perspective.

Regroup: Think about the point your partner was trying to make.  Was it valid?  Was yours?  More often than not, with a fresh perspective, we realize the argument wasn’t ALL THAT!

Revisit: Choose a time to revisit the issue with your partner.  Discuss it with a clear mind and emotions in check.  If the issue remains ALL THAT upon revisiting, then more discussion is needed.  If not…then let it go, apologize, and get geared up for make up sex.  Established emotional and sexual connections are the ties that bind our love.  Heated fights will unravel those ties.  And failure to reestablish them will burn the edges so they may never bind again.  So, manage your relationship and “tie” it up with a pretty little bow. 

We all fight.  It’s not a sign of the end times for our marriage.  It’s simply a sign that we’re together every day, we have our own opinion, and we’re comfortable enough with one another to vocalize that opinion.  A healthy couple will fight.  A smart couple will fight when the time is right.

So…go ahead.  Sleep on it!

Chick Hughes

“Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.”  ~Lyman Abbott

chickhughessmChick Hughes is a wife of 15 years, mother of 2, and lover of psychology. She holds a B.S. in Psychology and offers insight, advice, and humor on relationships, sex, and family. She has extensive experience with children, but now stays home with her own children, Patrick (9) and Anna (3), who both delight and challenge her daily. You can visit her website at www.chickhughes.com to read more of her work. Or you can visit her fan page on Facebook, Chick Hughes, where you can participate in discussions relating to her current topic.

Share
Filed Under: Love and Marriage Tagged With: , , , , ,
«Older Posts