Positive Co-Parenting Binder

January 31, 2011 By 1 Comment

When co-parenting your children, it isn’t always realistic for some couples to meet over a cup of coffee to talk about the kids, or discuss the kids’ futures while at Christmas dinner. However, the need for effective communication is just as essential when trying to inflict minimal damage on the kids. They need for their parents to be on the same page and let’s face it, it can get rather confusing when trying to manage doctor’s appointments, education expenses, health care expenses and parenting time schedules between two households. Well, I’ve got the perfect solution! It’s called the Positive Co-Parenting binder, an communication and organizational tool created for co-parents, by April Zacher.

The Positive Co-Parenting binder includes a parenting time calendar, activity and school calendars, education and dependant and health care address cards (and holders for the cards), health care receipt folders, health care instruction sheets, document exchange folders, and there is even a place to record pertinent conversations!  It’s the perfect way to keep co-parents on the same page and organized between both households; something kids desperately need in order to thrive post-divorce.

You can visit www.positivecoparents.com to order a binder for $39.95 or you can even get the pdf version for just $8.95.

I’m seriously thinking about given these away as gifts. In my opinion, it’s that essential that co-parents have one. Even if you get along great and communicate fairly well with your co-parent, it’s nearly impossible to keep all the important things organized between two households. The Positive Co-parenting Binder is a great tool for all co-parents! Order your binder today!

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Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage

January 30, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Trust is the key component to a successful marriage and especially in a remarriage. You have to be able to trust each other in order to present a united front to your children. If you don’t trust your spouse, you won’t feel comfortable allowing him or her to be your co-parent with your children. You won’t feel comfortable allowing him or her to solely handle decision making with their ex-spouse and overall, you won’t be an effective team and life partners. That being said, remarried partners who bring children into the marriage, are also presented with more opportunities to break trust just due to the complex family dynamic.  If you and your spouse are trying to rebuild or maintain trust in your marriage, consider the following helpful tips.

Do What You Say You’re Going to Do – When trust has been broken by one or both parties in the marriage, remember it’s the little things you do that will help to rebuild it. Think about it this way – when you are trying to build and maintain trust with your child of divorce, it’s important to be on time for visitation, keep communication open and honest, and overall, do what you say you’re going to do, right? Well, it’s no different when you’re trying to rebuild trust in your marriage. Do what you say you’re going to do; even regarding the simplest things such as bringing sugar home on your way from work. If you’re consistent over time, even when it comes to the little things, you will start to rebuild trust in your relationship.

Safe Communication – it’s important to feel safe enough to communicate in your relationship to rebuild trust. Pick a spot in your home and label it the no judgment zone. In this zone, you are both free to communicate how you feel without judgment. BUT, use “I” instead of “you” statements. “You did this, or always do that” are statements that put people on the defensive. Instead say “I feel this way when you do this.”

Don’t Continuously Bring Up the Past  – Even when you are both working hard to rebuild trust, be advised that there are still times when you are going to disagree/fight/argue. When this happens, remember to fight fair. Don’t bring up old issues , if you have already resolved them.

Sticks and Stones Can Break Your Bones and Words CAN Hurt – Words that are spoken in the heat of the moment when you are both very angry can knock you three steps back when you are trying to build trust.  So if you and your spouse are arguing and are boiling mad, take a breather. Step away from the discussion, collect yourself and remind yourself that you are having an argument WITH YOUR SPOUSE; not a co-worker or a stranger off the street – YOUR SPOUSE. Don’t say things that you might regret or that won’t be easily forgiven or forgotten.

No Instant Fix – You have to gradually rebuild trust over a period of time. Be patient with each other as you both work to regain that trust you lost and find happiness again.

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Top Chef Host Padma Lakshmi is Facing Custody Battle

January 26, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Padma Lakshmi

This story was first published in the New York Post.

“Top Chef” host Padma Lakshmi is facing a custody battle from the father of her young daughter.

Adam Dell, the brother of Dell computer founder Michael Dell, filed suit on Tuesday in Manhattan Supreme Court for custody of 11-month old Krishna Thea Lakshmi.

TMZ.com reported Wednesday that under an out-of-court agreement, Dell currently has visitation rights to see his daughter nine days a month. Sources say that agreement is in effect until Feb. 20, when Krishna turns 1.

Both Dell, 41, and Lakshmi, 40, were discussing a custody arrangement to take effect after their daughter’s birthday, but the negotiations recently fell apart, according to the report.

Dell’s lawyer, Bill Zabel, confirmed the filing to the New York Post and said in a statement: “Adam Dell, above all else, wants to have an active and substantial role in the upbringing of his daughter with Padma Lakshmi. Unfortunately, Ms. Lakshmi has severely limited his time with their daughter and has refused to negotiate a reasonable co-parenting agreement. Mr. Dell has tried his best to avoid going to court, but Ms. Lakshmi has given him no other choice at this time.”

Sources told the paper that Lakshmi and Dell’s agreement allows him to see his daughter for seven hours a week, but that it’s complicated by her filming and travel commitments.

Sources close to Dell also told the paper that he has to deal with his ex’s lawyers and assistant to arrange times to see his daughter. One source said, “Adam does not want to take the baby away from her. He hopes this will result in a reasonable co-parenting agreement.”

Dell is also said to be seeking to be named on Krishna’s birth certificate and have her take his surname along with Lakshmi’s, according to the report.

A rep for Lakshmi told the Post, “It appears to us that Mr. Dell remains more interested in garnering media attention than working out details to see Krishna or in her welfare.”

My Commentary: This is a typical story for co-parents who have separated with very young children. Mama is super protective over her young and makes an exaggerated claim that 2 days a year is a completely reasonable visitation arrangement and I understand why. As a mother to a 9 month old, I’m not so sure I would want to give liberal visitation to anyone, including his father and he’s my husband. Children who are that young heavily and primarily depend on mommy, especially if she is a loving, attentive mother who has bonded with her child. I’m not saying that dad isn’t important at all, but for all of you women who have given birth, I’m sure you understand what I am talking about. My husband is a very loving, attentive, detail-oriented father, BUT, for the first 5 months, our son blatantly preferred me. Dad didn’t hold him right, didn’t feed him right, didn’t sing his favorite lullably like mommy and just didn’t care for him like mommy did. My husband would get frustrated and say, “why doesn’t he like me?” He’s just now getting to the point when he’ll stay with him while I’m completely out of sight. This speaks nothing of my husband’s parenting skills; it’s just that kids are really dependent upon mommy for the first few years of their lives. So I totally get Padma’s perspective. However, dad’s relationship with baby Krishna is still vital at this time as this is the time when they should be forming their own bond. It’s a tough situation and I hope that Dell and Lakshmi can come to some sort of flexible agreement for Krishna’s sake. Children that young really need both of their parents and it usually means that both parents will play a vital role in each other’s lives as well. This example is the very reason that I recommend that couples refrain from starting new relationships with significant others until the child is a little older. It just makes it a lot less complicated.

Your thoughts?

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How Often Do You Vacation Without the Kids?

January 24, 2011 By 1 Comment

Diane and I received a question from a reader last week regarding vacationing WITHOUT his kids or stepkids. His wife wanted to keep it from his children until the last minute because she didn’t want them to be upset. However, he didn’t/doesn’t understand why his wife’s stepkids feel as if they are entitled to go. His stepkids expressed that it was unfair that they weren’t included in the vacationing plans.

In my opinon, although I think it’s completely normal for kids to be disappointed that mom and dad are going on vacation without them, I don’t feel the need to beat around the bush, or figure out a way to tell them (as if to ask their permission), that the adults/parents are going on vacation without them. This holds true if the children are older – which his are. In my opinion, it just feeds into that sense of entitlement.

As I told the reader, vacationing WITHOUT the kids, from time to time, is a great way to get some extended time just focusing on you as a couple, instead of you as parents/co-parents/step parents. Couples NEED that in order to nurture their marriage and be better partners and parents.

Below is the reader’s story. What do you think? How often do you vacation without your kids/stepkids?

READER QUESTION:

Hi Kela and Diane…

Wanted to pose a question for the advisory board if I may…

My wife and I are going on a vacation in a couple of weeks.  Hawaii specifically.  My wife didn’t want to tell her kids (pre-teens) until just before we were flying out.  I didn’t quite understand this because my ex and I had travelled a number of times when my kids were younger and there was no problem with them knowing.

A few days before the planned disclosure date to her kids, I accidentally let the cat out of the bag at the dinner table.  My wife was shocked and a little disappointed but she took the opportunity to explain the context of the trip.

Kids reacted fine at first, but then became mopey and expressed that they thought it was unfair that we go without them.  I had not seen that there was any precedent set that they come on all trips with us.  However, this is the first major trip my wife and I have taken together where we are gone for more than a few days to such an appealing place.

They came up with some of the most amazing rationalizations as to why this wasn’t fair and that they deserved to go.  None of which made sense to me or my wife.  We had launched a new business this past year and agreed that we would not take any holidays other than long weekends due to the commitment it required.  Glad to say the first year has been a success so this is somewhat a reward for much hard work.  It is also a sort of deferred honeymoon for us.

I just don’t see where the “we deserve to go with you”, thing comes from.  I don’t recall feeling that way as a kid, nor did I experience that with my own kids when I was in my first marriage.  I’ve spoken to a few friends, and the responses are mixed, but the majority see no problem with parents vacationing on their own and few have experienced much resistance.  None on the level we just went through.

In the end, one of my step kids admitted he was envious.  The other still contends it is just not fair.  We are going all the same.  I am paying for it.  Fabulous arrangements have been made for kids to stay with a wonderful friend in a wonderful setting.

So, I know there aren’t many do’s or dont’s on an issue like this.  Wondering if you can provide any thoughts or experiences.  I was just left quite puzzled and perhaps feel a little guilty and bothered that my wife and I can’t take a well-earned vacation after a very hard-working year without such resistance and commotion.

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Stepparent Standards

January 23, 2011 By 4 Comments

Being a stepmom has been one of my greatest accomplishments.  It has also been one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever undertaken.  I say this not because I have a terrible stepkid that presses my nerves everytime she is with us, as a matter of fact, it’s exactly the opposite.  I have a fabulous stepdaughter with whom I feel I share a great bond.  Are there times when I know she doesn’t like what I have to say about a particular subject?  Sure.  Are there times where I am sure she has a slight attitude with me?  Probably.  However, for the most part, my life with my stepdaughter is great.  She is one of the most important people in my life.  She is my only daughter and I enjoy the time I share with her.  At the same time, however, my “stepmom” life has had it’s ups and downs mainly due to the fact that I had to retrain my brain on my standards by accepting and learning from my mistakes, and understanding my role. 

Think about this, approximately half of all Americans live in a step-family.  Therefore, every single day there are stepparents out there, just like you and me, who are undauntedly taking on the task of step-parenthood and this job is one of the most difficult jobs there is.  One of the main mistakes parents make when step-parenting is that they feel as if they have to be the “be all and do all” for their stepchildren.  We feel we have to stop everything just to accommodate everyone, including our own children, our spouse, the exes or the family pet for that matter, all of which usually goes unappreciated.  If you are guilty of this as I once was, STOP!  Know this, everyone ends up resenting the martyr.  Martyrs make people feel guilty and when guilt arises in any relationship, resentment builds.  Having this attitude is an unrealistic expectation that you are setting for yourself and essentially for those around you.

Another unrealistic expectation that some stepparents have is that their stepchild is going to, or should automatically like or love them; they will surely want to call you “mom” or “dad”  and that all of you will be one big happy, loving family.  This idea is totally unrealistic.  Eventually you might get there, but it takes understanding, effort, hard work, consistency, and most importantly, time.   Remember readers, stepchildren experience a wide variety of conflict when a divorce creeps into their lives.  They don’t need extra baggage.

Another issue I have seen with stepparents is they want so badly to be a “friend or confidant” with their stepchild that they go way too far.  For example, they turn the clock back and try to relate as if they were the same age, they withhold information from the child’s parents, they want to be on their level in order to gain acceptance.  You are a parent and it is your job to do just that — help to parent your stepchildren along with your husband and/or wife.  I tell my clients all of the time, a child has a child’s place and so does a parent. 

Lastly, I would like to impress upon you readers, and I know you have heard it all before, however it is worth rementioning.  Never, ever ever bad-mouth the ex in front of the children.  For example, don’t stand at the front door and mimic your husband/wife’s ex.  Don’t use pet names for him/her in front of the children and never fight with your husband or wife about the ex in front of the children.  This only adds fuel to an already grieving child.  Private feelings about the ex should only be discussed in just that — private with your spouse.  What this eventually causes with the child is resentment and coarse feelings for you and for your spouse.  This even holds true when your stepchild is badmouthing his or her parent and/or other stepparent.  Do not fall into the trap of agreeing with them.  If your stepchild brings you a valid concern, take it to his/her parent. 

As I always like to state, children live what they learn.  If they see us handling our situations with anger, back and forth drama, they will do just that.  Do not become a stepparent that expects gratitude, things will not always be “peachy keen,” but at the same time, remember, you are the grown-up and we need to handle our standards in that fashion. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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“We” or “Me” in Marriage

January 21, 2011 By 5 Comments

You, me, WE.  Yours, mine, OURS…c’est WE!  Who knew those bitterly plotting pronouns would follow us long after we bid adieu to our rigid English instructors’ bloody war zone of red corrections slaughtering our diligently written papers.  Stalking us like ninjas in the night…ready to obliterate us with their nunchuck skills the minute we utter our marriage vows binding “me” to “we.”  Singular pronouns D.O.A.  Your plans.  My savings.  Your house.  My car.  Your money.  My kids.  Married adults declaring “Mine, Mine, Mine, Me, Me, Me?”  Much like a couple of preschoolers brawling over the only light up Buzz Lightyear toy.  One difference…preschoolers are way easier to deal with.    We adults sometimes get so caught up in remaining individuals, we forget that we married for a reason…to join TOGETHER.  But, understandably, with a 50% divorce rate, we may find ourselves in self-protection mode, keeping assets, experiences, and problems separate…just in case.  The problem is “me” can’t manage a marriage.  The mindset of “we” is what keeps us bonded together.  Without it, “me” usually ends up becoming a divorce statistic.  Me, you, us, we, mine, yours, ours.  The language of marriage quickly devolves into one down and dirty pronoun throwdown!

It seems obvious enough.  For a marital union to remain happy, it must be…well, united.  A union is formed when two become one.  Two individuals merging together to form a singularity.  If two individuals don’t wish to become one ~ financially or emotionally ~ they should also avoid a marital merge  and should, instead, travel as a parallel pair on a perpetual dating road.  But for those who do choose a marital merge and wish to prevent fatal accidents, the traffic lingo must be WE.

A study published in the journal Psychology and Aging followed 154 middle aged couples and had a front row seat to their pronoun throwdown.  Blood and gore galore!  Last one standing:  “WE!”  Those couples who stuck to plural pronouns… “our,” “us,” or “we” …were happier with one another and showed less physiological stress.  When conflict did arise, these couples showed more relaxed heart rates, had lower blood pressure, and were better able to resolve their conflict.  Opposite the plural pronoun victors were those who emphasized their separateness…using singular lingo such as “I,” “mine,” or “me.”  These couples weren’t as content in their marriages, had more difficulty resolving conflict, and displayed more negative facial expressions, tones of voice, and body language.  Hmmm…they were sore losers even before they lost. 

In today’s modern matrimony, some couples predict their own failure.  Before the marriage license is even signed, they anticipate divorce and make it a point to keep anything and everything separate…mine, yours, no confusion.  Some see it as savvy business sense or self-protection.  Some see it as a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Our expectations sometimes predict, or cause, our outcomes.  Things like prenups, while my logical brain can justify them, scream “red light” to my emotional brain.  Entering into a union that is based on trust without trust seems a moot point.  Why open the door if you’re expecting an armed stranger?  And if you do open the door and arm both yourself and the “stranger” with ammo, fear and self-preservation will eliminate one…or both.

But that’s just finances.  Some couples choose the more treacherous road…emotional singularity.  Rather than focusing on financial assets, they focus on more intimate day-to-day experiences and problems.  Day after day, reiterating their separateness.

~ to the sick spouse ~ “You’re sick?  Ok, you stay home.  I’m going out.  See ya.”

~ to the wife who pleads for help with birth control ~ “Your body.  Your problem.  I’m not getting a vasectomy!”

~ to the husband who worries about money and struggles to support the family ~ “I AM buying this for myself.  I deserve it.”

~ to the wife who’s crying over a lost connection ~ “What’s your problem?  I’m here.  What more do you want?”

“Sticks and stones may break my bones…”  but words can break our bond.

Turns out words are much deadlier than sticks and stones, acting as poison darts firing upon an already choking emotional connection.  When we disconnect emotionally, we tend to quit thinking in terms of “we” and focus on “me.”  We’re no longer a team.  Gone are the days of “us against the world.”  We divvy up our metaphorical weapons and prepare to stand alone.  We stop making together plans, stop considering the other’s feelings, and begin carrying out our days alone only crossing paths when absolutely necessary.  Result…LISTEN UP!  The fat lady is singing.  D.i.v.o.r.c.e…it’s D-Day.  He finally has those double D’s he’s been dreaming of since his pubescent afternoons spent in the john.  Unfortunately, the only thing he’ll be “jerking” on is his wallet as the divorce lawyer charges him for giving her half of everything.  Uh-oh…the fantasy has gone horribly awry, no?

So, how do we take back our marriage?  And control our looming pronoun throwdown?

Experts say it’s simple…equality.  Neither husband, nor wife, dominating the relationship.  No “his.”  No “hers.”  Just “ours.”  Whether it’s financial assets, debt, problems, or plans…the concept of “us” suggests a team…working toward a common goal and providing support and confidence for one another.  Without the team mentality to help us through life’s storms, we’ll be drenched in the pouring rain hoping our tiny umbrella for one won’t attract the crackling lightning from above.

Scientists say our pronoun lingo is as telling about what goes on inside our marriage as an x-ray is of what goes on inside our body.  It can show a healthy body…or it can reveal a nasty cancer festering, growing,  and destroying its host. They say to master our marriage, we must master the art of togetherness while maintaining our own identities.  That we must share interests, feelings, ideas, experiences, and memories.  When shared, this common ground serves as our marriage fingerprint…gives it a uniqueness all its own.  No two alike.  This fingerprint is bonding as a couple and helps to create a sense of “we.”  Together, we’ve survived terrible twos, teenage rage, job loss, and dysfunctional families that make us want to bitch slap the Cosbys.  On the other hand…together,  we’ve enjoyed births, anniversaries, school plays, vacations, and holidays that would put a tear in Clark Griswold’s nostalgic eye. “We” persevered…together.  And together, “we” stand united to face whatever more this fickle life has to throw our way.  As long as WE control our pronoun throwdown.

Ditch the “‘me.”

Say “OUI” to “We!”

Chick Hughes

“The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” ~ Robert C. Dodds

Chick Hughes is a wife of 15 years, mother of 2, and lover of psychology. She holds a B.S. in Psychology and offers insight, advice, and humor on relationships, sex, and family. She has extensive experience with children, but now stays home with her own children, Patrick (9) and Anna (3), who both delight and challenge her daily. You can visit her website at http://www.chickhughes.comto read more of her work. Or you can visit her fan page on Facebook, Chick Hughes, where you can participate in discussions relating to her current topic.

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Amy Chua Uproar

January 20, 2011 By 3 Comments

The uproar about Amy Chua’s bestselling book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, has been deafening. Many mommy tyrants have been criticizing beyond belief and even administered some death threats to Chua for what they believed to be Amy’s parenting tactics. The problem is many of her critics have yet to actually read her book, and instead, are only basing their opinions off of a Wall Street Journal essay that Chua says gravely misrepresented her.

According to Chua, WSJ contrived an essay that pieced together the most controversial sections of the book, slapped a title (that wasn’t approved by Chua) on it called “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” and claimed it was written by the Yale Law School professor. In the essay, critics went wild over what they believed her parenting tactics were, which included things like denying her children bathroom and water breaks for hours while they struggled to perform a classical music piece to Chua’s satisfaction.

Chua, however, says that her book isn’t a polemical tirade at all, but a reflection of her experiences as a tiger kid and how she has learned to alter her traditional chinese view of parenting over time. Her oldest daughter, Sophia Chua (18) supports her claim and wrote her own essay in response to WSJ, to tell the truth about her mother. Below are excerpts from that essay:

Excerpts:

–”Dear Tiger Mom, You’ve been criticized a lot since you published your memoir, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.” One problem is that some people don’t get your humor. They think you’re serious about all this, and they assume Lulu and I are oppressed by our evil mother. That is so not true. Every other Thursday, you take off our chains and let us play math games in the basement. But for real, it’s not their fault. No outsider can know what our family is really like.”

–”A lot of people have accused you of producing robot kids who can’t think for themselves. Well, that’s funny, because I think those people are . . . oh well, it doesn’t matter. At any rate, I was thinking about this, and I came to the opposite conclusion: I think your strict parenting forced me to be more independent.”

–”To me, it’s not about achievement or self-gratification. It’s about knowing that you’ve pushed yourself, body and mind, to the limits of your own potential.”

All of this talk about Tiger Parenting had me questioning whether or not I’d be considered a Tiger Mother. Although I don’t and would never be as harsh as to deny my kids food and water or other necessities in order to “push” them beyond their potential, BUT I am a more strict parent compared to friends and other parents that I’ve witnessed. Since my oldest was very young, I’ve always expected- not demanded (to me, there’s a difference) excellence.  Additionally, I don’t accept excuses of any kind. I’ve never allowed him to use the “my parents aren’t together” excuse or the fact that he had severe seizures as a kid that completely altered his fine and gross motor skills. I give him room to express himself and even to complain, but I don’t allow him to get stuck there, and always encourage himself to push beyond his potential. At the same time, I know that for a young impressionable mind, words have so much power and so, along with pushing I also give an enormous amount of praise. Every single day (literally), I tell him that he’s one of the best people I know. I tell him how special and smart he is. I tell him that he’s capable of greatness and most importantly, I tell him how much I love him. I do this so much that he says, “Mom, are you going to tell me this everyday for the rest of my life?” I respond by saying, “Yes?”

I won’t be sure if my methods work according to societal standards until he gets a little older. He’s only 13, but what I do know is that he’s been a mostly A (he’s gotten a B+ on his report card a few times) since he started school and he doesn’t accept anything less than his personal best. He never blames anyone else for what he perceives to be his weaknesses and instead works harder to improve upon them. He’s a high achiever because he wants to do well and continue to make not only me proud, but himself as well. I don’t tell him that he’s one of the best people I know because I’m his mom. I tell him that because he is.

I think Sophia said it best and it’s what I constantly instill in my oldest and will instill in my youngest (he’s only 9 months), “To me, it’s not about achievement or self-gratification. It’s about knowing that you’ve pushed yourself, body and mind, to the limits of your own potential.” If that’s tiger parenting then I guess I fit the description.

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Cheers to a Fresh Start

January 17, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Who else has a “holiday hangover” besides me? I’m already missing hanging out with my mom, waking up (at noon) and drinking coffee out of the mug my dad set out for me right next to the coffee maker and of course spending time with friends and family that I only see a couple of times throughout the year.  Just as I’m allowing my reminiscing to get me into a full on winter funk I remember! What is wrong with me? This is a FRESH start! Let’s get organized! Make a schedule! Begin the workouts! Finally throw out the eggnog and put the Christmas decorations away!

First things first though.  Let’s get organized. What good is a home decorated within an inch of its life if things aren’t organized? Organization and killer decor go hand in hand.  So let’s get started with your office space, specifically your desk.  That’s always the “catch-all” at my house.

Photos (not in frames or pined to corkboard/ memo boards), letters, mail, pens and all the little knick knacks on your desk need to be organized if your office space has any chance of looking ready for business in 2011.  More than likely most if not all of these should be hidden or contained for a clutter free look.  Consider these ideas from REAL SIMPLE.

 

 

 

 

 

Another area that can get very disorganized quickly is the laundry room.  Throw a family in the mix and there will be guaranteed missing socks galore.  Check out some of these options from Apartment Therapy to get you excited about doing laundry…well, organized anyway ; ).

 

 

And lastly, brace yourself, let’s walk slowly toward your closet.  Take a deep breath and exhale.  How organized is it?  Look at these extra tidy ones.  These guys are major overachievers!  Also, keep in mind that if you hang, fold, and stack your clothes and shoes by color it will look a lot more organized.  That alone will make a major difference.

 

 

Best of luck!  Start the year off right and get your space organized! 

 Trust me.  I’ll be taking my own advice…

For more design tips, please visit www.yourcolorvision.wordpress.com.

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Camille Grammer on Divorce

January 15, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Camille Grammer - Photo Credit:Newscom

I am a reality television junkie. Yep, I admit it. I’ll watch anything from 19 Kids and Counting to Little People, Big World to Basketball Wives. One of my favorite reality series is the Real Housewives of…Atlanta, New Jersey, Orange County, New York and most recently, Beverly Hills. Due to my busy schedule I don’t always get to watch them when they come on, but I DVR them to watch later.

Yesterday, I got an opportunity to catch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and heard Camille Grammer talk about her separation from actor, Kelsey Grammer. She actually brought up some really important points that I’m sure most divorced moms can relate to. She explained how tough her job as a mom was because the kids are asking her all the questions about when daddy is coming home and Kelsey doesn’t have to help answer them because he’s not there. She went on to explain that she has to struggle to put on a happy face for them, but Kelsey basically just goes on with his life as usual. How many of my divorced moms/ex-wives/mothers can relate to what Camille is saying?I spend a lot of time talking about support for stepmothers and don’t get me wrong because I do think there just isn’t enough. However, as a woman who is also a mother/ex I do think that ex-wives/mother in Camille’s position can use a bit of understanding and  patience.

Oftentimes, as Camille has stated, the mother has to field all the when, why, what, and how questions while trying to figure them out herself. She has to think about how to tell her children that mommy and daddy aren’t going to be together anymore. She has to figure out how she’s going to support her children on one or even no (for mothers who were stay at home moms for years) income and she has to find some time to grieve for the lost of a family she thought she’d have forever. It’s frustrating and ridiculously overwhelming to do. And although dad may pop in every now and then to lend support, mom is the one who has to be there all the time, putting on that happy face and helping her children through the divorce. Although I don’t condone extreme behavior such as alienating your children from their father, bad-mouthing their father to them, or using them as pawns, I do understand certain irrational behavior that a mother might do simply because she is completely overwhelmed. Just think about the times that you have a million and one things running around in your head- you just got laid off and have to figure out how to live off  of one (your spouse’s) or no income; the furnace just broke; you just found out your oldest needs braces and a relative is very ill. But, you still have to take the kids to dance class, help with homework, answer their curious questions, smile AND figure out what your next move will be. Do you always use good judgement when you are overwhelmed with issues and important decisions to make? Can the slightest little thing cause you to breakdown when you already feel as if you’ve reached your breaking point? I’m raising my hand over here!

With the exception of the high conflict divorce cases, many issues with an understandably resentful ex-wife can be dealt with if dealt with in the right way. Below are some tips to help you take your co-parenting relationship from rocky to amicable.

  1. Verbalize your understanding – One of the things my ex eventually did was to change his language. Instead of being accusatory, he began to express that he understood my position and just wanted to find a way to amicably work together.
  2. Don’t react to everything – Every thing doesn’t warrant an adverse reaction. Appropriately respond to allegations or issues when necessary, but don’t escalate a battle by feeding into her frenzy.
  3. Diffuse the situation – To piggyback on number 2, practice diffusing the situation when you can. If she is heated about something that you feel is no big deal, act like it’s no big deal. Don’t yell just because she’s yelling at you. If she sends a nasty email, don’t respond with nastiness. Throw her off by giving a response that she did not expect and watch how that situation transforms.
  4. Set clear boundaries – Don’t be fickle. At this point, everyone needs clear boundaries. If totally integrating her into your new life isn’t your desire, be clear about that early on. Let her know that you respect her as the mother of your children and want her to always be part of their lives but you wish to limit your relationship regarding the children to things that can’t be split in two (school functions, recitals, graduation ceremonies, weddings, etc.).
  5. Talk about it – One of the best things that my ex and I did/do was/is to talk through our issues when we were/are not in a heated battle. We sat down either by ourselves, or with our respective spouses to talk about moving forward as a synergistic unit. Talking, along with the above-mentioned tips, will help to create a more amicable situation if BOTH parties are active participants.

Divorce takes everyone for an emotional rollercoaster ride and it’s important that everyone on the ride practices some patience, understanding, effective communication and are committed to maintaining civility for the sake of the children. It is much easier to keep all this in mind before your situation gets out of control.

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Building A Healthy Remarriage

January 14, 2011 By 4 Comments

A marriage that is not nurtured, eventually dies. Unfortunately, most remarried couples foster the idea that as long as they don’t make the same mistakes they made in their first marriage, their remarriage will be long-lasting and survive any storm that may come it’s way only to be disappointed to find out that it takes much more than just being cognizant of past errors.  Nourishing your remarriage needs to be your #1 top priority.

The demands on marriage today are numerous.  Think about it.  Most couples work demanding jobs, are doing their best to keep the roofs over their heads, clothes on their backs, cooking and keeping up the house, dealing with the exes and handling stepfamily problems.  With all of these demands (and there are many more — too many to list) it isn’t surprising that we end up putting our marriages last on the checklist.  Not to mention, it is usually at the end of a tiring day that we are able to focus on our partner. 

In my opinion, one of the most important ways we can nuture our marriage is to keep a “window” open between you and your spouse, and to definitely keep a “wall” up for people outside of our relationship.  For example, if we are more open with someone outside of our relationship rather than with our spouse, then something is wrong with that picture.  Our very most private moments, thoughts, and feelings should only be shared with our spouse.  This prevents you from being pulled apart.

If you are feeling a little disconnected, ask yourself a few of these questions:

  1. What is your spouse’s greatest strengths?
  2. How are you helping him/her to achieve their goals?
  3. What “walls” have you put up to prevent others from pulling you apart?

Nurturing our marriages is not only important but should be our number one priority.  Your marriage potential will be endless if you put your marriage first.  Here are a few tips and tools to get you on the right path to a healthy, nurtured marriage:

  • Trust.  Be  honest, fair and straight with your spouse.  Don’t lie.  Make sure your word is as good as gold. 
  • Loyalty.  ALWAYS stand by your partner.  ALWAYS, protect and encourage your life partner.
  • Commitment:  Make efforts, everyday, to put more into your marriage.  Put  your spouse’s interests before your own.
  • Skills.  Marriage is a lifetime process.  Understand when your partner expresses their needs.  Communicate what you need.  Agree to disagree when you are dealing with an issue where the solution can’t be found right away.  Manage your conflict in a healthy manner.
  • Appreciation.  One of the most important attributes a person can have is that of appreciation.  Each party in the marriage wants to feel appreciated and loved.   Show your appreciation.

Nurturing your marriage exists when you get to a point when you put your needs behind that of your life partner.  It means realizing that your words might hurt your partner before you release the words out of your mouth and decide not to say them at all.  It means that you are responsible and take ownership for your issues.  It means being unselfish.

Building our remarriages and marriages in general is not easy, it takes lots of hard work.  Remember, love is never enough.  It takes hard work, determination and all of the above.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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