Marital Stress + Holidays = Disaster!

November 15, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Ah the holidays!  Tis the season to be jolly or Tis’ the season for a stressful experience?  In speaking with many couples on this particular subject, the one most important thing on everyone’s list during this time is easing the stress that couples face and getting through the most wonderful time of the year without feeling like Ebenezer Scrooge.

For stepfamilies, just the mere thought of the “holidays” can propound feelings of uneasiness, anxiety and depression.  Not only is this the most “argued” time of the year but the most stressful for stepparents as well.  For stepparents with children of their own, feelings of guilt that they feel like they must work their plans around their stepchildren’s schedules, buying extra presents for purposes of equality and making the holiday flow fairly in general so that their spouse is not stressed makes for some seriously resentful holiday pressure.  Let us not forget that this is also the most stressful time of the year for children of divorce.  Tensions and emotions run high because children feel torn and divided during this time and oftentimes it is hard for them to navigate because their feelings of guilt overwhelm them.  It is important that parents and stepparents are cognizant of same and are communicative with their children during this time.

Common disagreements during the holidays can be avoided if properly handled.  Here are a few tips to effectively navigate the holidays with your spouse:

  1. Set monetary limits. Make a list and stick to it.
  2. Be realistic about gift giving.  Remember, you should never feel pressure to make things equal.  The simple reality is that in step situations, things will never be equal and that includes holiday gift giving.
  3. It is always best to default to the court order during the holidays, especially if what once worked for you and your ex-spouse no longer holds the same value.  If there is no court order, I would suggest that one be put in place.  It alleviates all the unnecessary drama that occurs during the holiday season.
  4. Be flexible.  I cannot stress enough how important it is to have flexibility in your positions during the holidays.  Remember, every year will hold something new for you, your children, your stepfamily and your current and ex-spouse.  Everyone needs to be open to making concessions.
  5. Spend alone time with your spouse.  Major problems can be avoided at anytime during your marriage but especially when tensions are high during the holidays when you take time to spend quality time with your spouse. This allows for rejuvenation.

TMF Readers, don’t allow holiday pressure to ruin your quality time with your families.  In stepfamilies, the dynamics are constantly changing.  In fact, change is the law of life in stepfamilies.  Make new traditions with your unique family, don’t sweat the small stuff and lastly, you don’t have to “over-invest.”  Take the holidays one at a time and build your links and bonds with one another.  Always remember, stepfamilies are built over time and just because it’s the holidays and the “happiest time of the year” doesn’t mean you have to fast-forward full speed ahead.  Slow it down, make your own traditions, pay attention to your marriage and have a stress-free holiday season!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Simplifying the Holidays-Part II

November 15, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Is there anything simple about the holidays?  For most of us, the holidays provide us with some of our most precious memories but along with that also some very stressful moments.  With that being said, I wanted to talk about stress, shortcuts and finally relief so that you can do exactly what you want this season and that is make those memories and simplify, simplify, simplify!

Let’s talk about some shortcuts that will lead us to that ever important relief.   One thing that really begins my stress is right after Thanksgiving, I am thinking about my Christmas card list.

Shortcut:  E-Cards.  Sending e-cards is an easy alternative to the stress of getting a holiday picture, writing out cards and not to mention the expense of mailing same.  Sending e-cards may not be as personal as some may like, but it is definitely less stressful and, in my opinion, that is reason enough to use this shortcut.  In fact, during this economic downturn, I am noticing more and more folks are using e-cards, including many businesses.

Another thing to take into consideration during the holidays is remembering not to do too much.  Moderation is the key word.  Try not to overdo your schedule.  Don’t pack too much into your day.

Shortcut:  To Do List.  Too much of a good thing, whether it be the holidays or not, is not too good for you.  Drafting a “to-do list” and sticking to it will help you navigate your priorities during the season.   Incorporating the “to-do” list will relieve you from the feeling stressed and instead leave you feeling like you accomplished exactly what you set out to do.

As we all know, the holidays can become very commercialized.  The holiday season is meant to bring togetherness and love and sometimes we tend to forget how important it is not to focus on just what we “receive or give” but to remember why we are really celebrating.  Don’t overspend.  The price tag isn’t important.  What is important is how we create our memories.

Shortcut:  Set a Spending Limit.  This year, we decided to set and stick to a spending limit.  Obviously, your limit is entirely up to your individual financial situation.  Another great shortcut in this area is to give out homemade gifts.  I, myself, do this every year.  I change the recipients each year but for me, it feels extra-special to do something personal for someone.

Believe it or not, due to incorporating these shortcuts, I am pretty much done with all of my Christmas shopping and it’s not even Thanksgiving.  Granted, this took a lot of organization on my part this year, but instead of stressing all the way into the month of December, I wanted to make sure I was ahead of the game so that I could enjoy a stress-free season.

I hope that all of you will incorporate these stress relievers so that you can get outside, enjoy the season and all that it includes.  Get to the real fun and that is making memories with your children, decorating, baking and loving the holidays!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Simplifying The Holidays-Part I

November 4, 2011 By Leave a Comment

The holiday season is my favorite time of the year.  However, trying to organize can be an uphill battle.  This year, I have decided to post a series called Simplifying the Holidays with this post being Part I.   Today, shopping has been heavy on my mind — well, it’s always on my mind, but holiday shopping is different.  As I was perusing one my very favorite websites www.mymerrychristmas.com, I came across a fabulous blog post by B. Francis Morlan on the subject of Black Friday where she gives 5 very good reasons why us saavy shoppers should avoid it.  I was amazed!  Yes, TMF Readers, in the past, I have been part of the thousands that hit the stores as early as 3:00 a.m. waiting in line for a good deal on the day after Thanksgiving.  However, after reading these five tips, I may just decide to forego this year and get my highly underrated sleep in!  I hope you enjoy the article as much as I did. 

By B. Francis Morlan

Black Friday has become as big a part of Thanksgiving weekend as turkey. In many home across America a tradition has been born of searching ads, surfing Black Friday websites and mapping out a shopping strategy for the wee hours of the Friday after Thanksgiving. While the pies bake and the turkey trimmings are prepared many make it a habit to look forward with a little jingle in their pocket to begin the holiday season.

To the savvy shopper we advise: stop. Sleep in. Forget about the so-called big deals.

Here are five reasons to avoid Black Friday:

1. The Big Deals Aren’t That Big a Deal – A 36-inch flat screen television for $300 might see like a mighty tempting deal. So too that $200 laptop. The deals even might seem crazy enough to cause you to camp out on concrete for 24-hours or more in sub-zero weather. Don’t buy into it. A cheap laptop is just that – cheap. Chances are it won’t last until next Thanksgiving. And if you’re going to make a purchase for a major appliance chances are you’ll find a better deal on what you really want in October, especially in electronics. That is when merchants want to really clear the shelves to make room for holiday merchandise.

2. Biggest Bait-n-Switch Day of the Year – Every ad is going to say “limited to quantities on hand”. Often, especially for the more attractively priced stuff, those quantities are very limited. 50 laptops for a line of 1000 people are not going to last long. Retailers love getting people in with a low price – and then showing them alternatives after selling out on the hot stuff within minutes. With crowds anxious for a deal the percentages are in their favor that a shopper looking for a bargain – any bargain – in the competitive rush of early morning shopping is going to drop money on something they didn’t intend to buy.

3. Great Price, No Rain Checks – For many retailers standing in that line in the near-winter weather means nothing. Yes, they’ve got great prices advertised. But once they are out they are out – and unlike ordinary everyday sales Black Friday sales offer no guarantee, no overstock and no rain checks.

4. Better Deals Online – Start shopping online the Monday before Thanksgiving. Online retailers want to cash in on Black Friday too and they work a lot harder during Thanksgiving week to get your attention and your money. Amazon in particular has refined the art of getting folks to stay in their jammies to shop – at all hours, too. And there’s no shoving online.

5. Holiday Return Policies Kick In – just as the deals on Black Friday are an exception so too are the holiday return policies. Some retailers will only let you return product at the sale price – regardless of whether or not you have a receipt. Others are charging now a “re-stocking fee”. Investigate the return policy before you spend – by law they have to post it.

The best way to avoid Black Friday is to do your shopping well in advance of the holiday shopping season. The deals are exceptional from just before Labor Day to Halloween. Retailers are clearing out early year models and marking down to drive sales traffic. They have to. Mid-September to mid-November is one of the weakest shopping periods of the year. And there are deals aplenty.

Black Friday is festive event, sure enough, and for many just spending time with family and friends amongst the chaos is fun in and of itself. And if that’s your thing, great – just leave the wallet and especially the credit cards at home.

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Personal Reflections for a Joyful Mind

November 3, 2011 By Leave a Comment

With the holidays fast approaching, I, like many of you readers, end up doing a lot of self-reflection of not just the past year that flew by, but about what I want to do differently next year, what I want to change about myself and remembering those special people that have gone from us too soon.

As I have stated many times, by the time I was 31, I was widowed with 3 children.  I had lost my husband, older brother and grandfather all within a two year period.  Of course, that was over 12 years ago now, but in my reflections, I have come realize how far I have actually come in my life since that stressful time.  I am writing this post with The Joyful Mind Project on my heart with hopes to maybe spark some of you readers who may also be reflecting in your own way.  Maybe you suffer from anxiety as I did after my experiences, maybe you suffer from depression or maybe you just are overworked and overwhelmed and you feel like your world is crashing around you.  In my experience, getting through and getting to the point of reflection came first by way of acceptance.  Just plain and simply accepting life as it is.  Going thru this process can be nothing less than devastating but it is reality.

Accepting life right where you are, all of the bad, the ugly and the good is essential.  It’s really about deciding to “surrender” what you “think” your life is or should be at that moment and choosing to accept and change.  It has been written that…..”Life is not the way it’s supposed to be.  It is the way it is.  The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”   The way we cope.  What a powerful statement.  Of course, the way we each individually cope is always going to be different, but for me, it took a good long time.  I had a catch phrase that I told myself often and it was this…”If you can cope, you have hope.”  Cliche, I know but it worked for me.

Once you begin to accept that you are right where you are supposed to be at this moment, your whole perspective will begin to change.  You will decide at that moment to devise a different relationship with the problem at hand.  I tell my coaching clients all of the time that if they focus only on what is wrong with their blended family then that will be their reality because at that point, they aren’t “choosing” to fix the problem.  Their words have not become impeccable.  They haven’t gotten to acceptance yet.  Accept there is a problem, get help and do your best to fix it.  See the problem differently instead of letting it debilitate you.

TMF Readers, when you are going thru acceptance, remember to not allow your emotions to consume you.  You never have to follow or obey your emotions.  You can choose to manage them.  Don’t give all of your power away to your emotions because it is then that they can take over your life.

It is very empowering to accept that where you are right now doesn’t have to be your whole life.  Your perspective can change as long as you don’t allow yourself to continually focus on the “wrong” and focus on what you can change to make it “right.”  Choice is a powerful tool.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Diane’s Easy & Scrumptious Pumpkin Pie

November 1, 2011 By Leave a Comment

TMF Readers, with the holidays quickly approaching, I wanted to give you a few really quick recipes that will make your life in the kitchen so much easier. 

One of my great childhood memories is that of a good piece of pumpkin pie.  Needless to say, I have been indulging already by getting a jump start on my baking.  Below is my fool-proof pumpkin pie recipe.  It is lovely, quick and yummy.  Enjoy!

Ingredients:

1 frozen pie shell (or you can make your own crust if you dare venture)
1 – 16 oz can of pureed pumpkin
1 – 14 oz can of sweet & condensed milk
(you can also use evaporated milk plus 1 cup of sugar if you don’t want to use sweet & condensed milk, but I like my pie more luscious)
2 eggs
1 teaspoon of pumpkin pie spice (or, you can substitute with 1/4 teaspoon of ground cloves, 1/2 teaspoon of nutmeg, 1/2 teaspoon of ginger and 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon).

Directions:

Preheat oven to 425 degrees.  Beat eggs, add pumpkin, sweet & condensed milk and spices and beat until smooth.  Pour batter into pie shell and bake at 425 degrees for 15 minutes.  Reduce the heat down to 350 degrees and cook for an additional 35-40 minutes.  Allow to completely cool on a baking rack and serve with whipped cream. 

Happy Holidays!

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