Falling “Out” of Love After Your Remarriage

January 25, 2012 By

Over 75% of remarriages now end in divorce.  That is a stunning fact. Let’s face it, the pressures associated with being in a blended family can lead even the strongest couples down the wrong path.  How about you?  Are you feeling gloomy about your remarriage?  Do you feel like you are falling “out” of love with your spouse?

Clients ask me questions related to the above all of the time.   The fact remains that you don’t just fall “out” of love by chance.  Not focusing on solutions to problems as they arise causes friction, which if ignored causes tremors, which if still ignored causes earthquakes. It’s a simple trickle-down effect.  Instead of addressing feelings and concerns like loss of power in the relationship, feelings of inadequacy and rejection in the family, they decide that unequivocally they must have picked the wrong person and they are no longer in love with their spouse when in actuality their love is strong, but one or both parties have allowed the issues to take over their marriage.

Another reason blended family spouses have such trouble is because of their expectations having not been met.  High expectations that their families are going to turn into the “Brady Bunch” the day the marriage license is signed is a recipe for disaster.  Mix in a little disrespect from their stepchild here and there or the ex-wife calling for something menial, then “there goes the marriage!”  Learning to deal with these issues on the forefront (i.e., pre-marital blended family counseling) can help rectify these situations before they occur or at least help you to not make mountains out of molehills.

In the beginning of any good relationship, chemistry with your significant other is usually going hog-wild.  Well, as we all know too well, chemistry never lasts forever.  Chemistry contributes to the relationship but it doesn’t make your relationship last.  Love sustains it and keeps it going.  Being in love means making a commitment to work through whatever needs to be worked on. Being in love means putting your (re)marriage first and supporting it and each other.  It means spending time on it and not pushing it aside for anyone or anything and that includes your children together and apart, work and friends.  Unfortunately, all too often, this is the hardest task of them all.  Finding time to spend together is relatively a key ingredient to a successful, long-lasting relationship.

All successful (re)marriages have common denominators.  Trust, honesty, love, support and forgiveness.  If you are feeling having the falling “out” of love blues, ask yourselves these questions:

  1. What is the cause for my feelings?  Assess the situation as a whole.  Take some time to really scour your thoughts.  Is something else causing you to feel this way (i.e., stress, anxiety, depression, work stress, friend stress, etc.)
  2. Do my feelings on the subject change from day-to-day?
  3. Are the blended family issues that aren’t being resolved adding to my feelings?

As human beings we are geared to focus more on the negative attributes of any situation.  After you have had the chance to ask yourself the above questions, take stock in the following tips to help you get through answering them:

  1. Make a list of all the good things you fell in love with about your spouse and write out your love story.  Just putting those thoughts on paper and reading them will help you tremendously.  Encourage your spouse to do the same and read them together.
  2. Look into a couples retreat.  This is a great way to spend time together while at the same time getting some much needed education.
  3. Enlist the help of a certified stepfamily coach to work up a Co-Parenting Plan that helps your family navigate.  It’s OK to ask or help.  Call me, I would love to help!
  4. Stop focusing so much on the problems and give your attention to the solutions.
  5. Don’t temporarily bandage the issues by sweeping them under the rug and pretending they are fixed.  I promise you, they will arise as more than a scratched surface but a full-blown injury.
  6. Your friends don’t know the value of your relationship.  Keep your relationship between you and your spouse.
  7. Talk, talk, talk!  Communication is key!  Keep talking to your spouse.  Let them know they matter to you and what they have to say, whether you agree or not, matters to you.
  8. Limit your expectations.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.  The Brady Bunch had great writers narrating the story of their lives.  Blended families and remarriage is tough to conquer but think of your commitments and actions as small investments toward your eventual success.
  9. Have compassion.  Honor your spouses difference in opinion.  You can disagree with while at the same time still honoring it with understanding.  Compassion in the blended family and in remarriage will take you a long way.
  10. Support your spouse unconditionally.  Again, you don’t have to agree on every issue, but support their decisions and let them know you will not judge them.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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It’s All About YOU!

January 23, 2012 By

Like many women, I have often wondered what it really means to take care of myself.  Two months after my 20th birthday, I became a mom.  It felt like, for so many years, that my life was defined by motherhood.  I fully engaged myself in being a mom.  My world revolved around my boys instead of my world revolving around what made me happy, content and joyful.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mother and I wouldn’t change that for anything the world could offer me, but it took a long time to realize that being  a mother was only one part of who I was.

Like many women, we tend to sit and fester in our worries, our thoughts, our perceptions of what our lives “should” be like.  We fight what is right and that is the mere fact that if we are not healthy both mentally, physically and emotionally, we cannot and will not be able to effectively be all we can be to our children, spouses and family.  Each day, as we lose ourselves more in everyone elses’ lives, we lose a bit of who we are.  We validate our feelings by thinking that it is only right to put everyone before ourselves and we continue to “stuff away” our feelings and emotions and we all know that when the volcano erupts, there is no where left to hide!  When we make the choice to neglect ourselves, we forget to shuffle the deck and the only cards that are left in our hand are that of stress, pain, depression, anxiety and sorrow.

Over the past few years, I have really made an effort to discover what it really means to love myself unconditionally.  I am taking stock in creating and decorating a fresh canvas that I call ME!  For example, in 2008, I joined Today’s Modern Family and I was able to use this as a vehicle for expressing my thoughts and sharing them with others in hopes that I might be able to reach one person through my experiences.  You readers have returned my investment ten fold!  Another example is I decided that I need time to myself.  If it means I pick my own little space in my small house to hang a sign and say DO NOT DISTURB, then that’s what I do.  It’s in this alone time that I listen to myself.  I use this time to write, to read, to embrace myself and, most importantly, to slow down and acknowledge the changes that are taking place in my life and/or evaluate what changes need to take place in my life.

When we make it “all about us”and reconnect with ourselves for a little while, we suddenly are able to view our situations differently.  This allows us to reframe and redirect our emotions and ultimately our situations.  It’s the same picture, you just  make the choice to view it differently which in turn gives you a chance to change the outcome.  Evaluation is really key.  We don’t evaluate enough because we are so geared to reacting first.  Taking our own time allows for evaluation.  Whether our situations be about ourselves and our spouses, our work situation, etc., we discover that we find more courage to handle them.

Here are a few tips on making it “all about you:”

  • Find a special space in your house that you can make off-limits to everyone else.  Use it!
  • Pray or meditate.
  • Travel.  Escape somewhere you’ve never been. Plan a trip for yourself or you and your spouse alone.
  • Lean into your fears.  Don’t temporarily bandage them.  If you need some help, seek it.  Anxiety, depression and worry can be overwhelming and its OK to seek help.
  • Pamper yourself once a month.  It’s crucial.  Get a mani/pedi or a new hairdo.  It’s so worth it.
  • Find a hobby that makes you happy.
  • Exercise and eat healthier.
  • Speak up for yourself.  Don’t let resentment build in your relationships.  Your spouse or significant other cannot read your mind.  Speak up!
  • Stay on track with what is important to you.
  • Seek support.
  • Get plenty of sleep.
  • Lead by example.  Remember, your children are watching you.  If you teach them that taking care of yourself doesn’t matter, they won’t do it for themselves either.

TMF Readers remember this…just like your car can’t run on fumes, neither can you.  If your gas gauge is always registering empty and you don’t take time to fill your tank, where will you and your life end up?  Stranded!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

 

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Stepparenting: From Challenge to Success

January 5, 2012 By Leave a Comment

As I always say, marriage is tough but remarriage is tougher….well, let’s face it then, parenting is hard but stepparenting is probably one of the toughest challenges you will ever face in your lifetime.

There are no prerequisite courses you can take to prepare for your journey and there are no instruction manuals that come along with it, however, there are some steps that you can take in order to help you through it.  Regardless of all horror stories you hear and all of the stereotypical fairy tales about stepparents, you can have  successful relationships in your stepfamily life.

As parents of our biological children, it is my belief that we do our best in bringing them up, we trust our instincts and do what we think is best for them.  As stepparents, we tend to second guess our instincts at times.  Of course most of us want to do what is best for our stepchildren but we tend to second guess in order to avoid confrontation instead of just being ourselves.  If you are struggling, I offer you some of the following tips to help you navigate to a successful relationships within your stepfamily unit.

1.  Protect Your Marriage.  The number one tip I can give you is to decide and make a choice that your marriage will always come first.  If the ex-wife calls your phone regularly in the middle of the night to discuss the problems with her plumbing or she just wants to talk – NIP IT IN THE BUD!  There is an obvious reason you are in a stepfamily and that means you are divorced!  Your new family is based on your new union….protect it!

2.  Communicate.  Allow your children and stepchildren to tell you how they feel without judgment.   Encourage frequent communication and allowing them to have alone time with you and your spouse is very important.  Everyone, even children, want to know that their opinions matter to you.  They want to know that you hear them and that you are open to listening to them.

3.  Empathy.  One of the single most important tips I can give you is to have empathy for the position your stepchildren are in.  All stepfamilies are created out of a loss; keep that in mind when you have rough patches.  Empathy goes a long way.

4.  Maintain Normal Boundaries.  A lot of stepparents get confused in this area.  They feel that they have to overcompensate in order or their stepchild to like or approve of them.  You should always maintain the normal boundaries of an adult/child relationship.  For example, do not try to become your stepchild’s best friend.  You are an extension of their parent not a best friend.  A supporter and ally would be a great description of a stepparent.

  1. 5.  Realistic Expectations.  One of the hardest subjects I have to put across to my coaching clients is that of having realistic expectations.  Parents assume that when they bring a child into a new marriage or relationship that their spouse will immediately fall in love they way they are with their child.  This is a totally unrealistic expectation.  Relationships are built through time and patience.  As I said above, all step relationships exist out of a loss.  That is a hard pill to swallow for a child that has just has his/her world turned upside down.  Don’t rush your relationship.  Build trust.  Do your best to create good experiences and you will build a meaningful relationship.

Lastly, remember that children are the passengers on this flight we call a “stepfamily” and sometimes they will feel like they are literally out of their own airspace.  They were the innocent bystanders through your divorce.  As I stated above, empathy plays a huge role in how we help them to effectively deal with their emotions, feelings and ultimately, their happiness.   Tap into their world, be conscious of their feelings and let them know you are there for them unconditionally.

Stepparents, remember this….your stepchildren may never give you what you want or need in return for your love and sacrifice for them.  Most of the time it’s not until they are an adult that they truly appreciate the role you play in their lives but I would encourage you to be patient, stay flexible, be willing to compromise and accept that your blended family life will never be perfect.  It can however succeed with all of the above.

Peace & Blessings,

Diane

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How Choice Plays A Vital Role In Our Relationships

January 4, 2012 By Leave a Comment

In my coaching practice, I come across clients all of the time that are in conflict and need help with their blended family issues.  Most of the time, their frustrations simply come from the choices that they are deciding to make or not to make which end up causing most of the hardship in their relationships.  For example, in remarriage, the biggest problem I come across with my clients is the issue of discipline.  9 times out of 10 the clients cannot agree, and they refuse to agree to disagree on this issue.   Resentment builds in one or both parties, the issue continues to be swept under the rug and by choosing to not to get on the same page, they are ultimately making a choice that may end up ruining or eventually ending their marriage.

Let’s talk about why choice plays such an important role in our relationships.  We have to understand that as life partners we always have a choice in how we live in our relationships.  With that, we may not always like our choices but part of being life partners is knowing that as we make these unavoidable choices we open certain other possibilities and we close the door on others.  For example, if we make the choice to allow our children or stepchildren to run the household, disrespect our spouse and never come to an agreement on the rules and what behaviors will and will not be tolerated in our household, then we close the door to trust and communication with our spouse.  We have to choose to handle these situations not just to ensure that our relationships stay sound but to help our children as well.

I once read that choice follows awareness.  Teaching our children this is so important.  The most effective way to teach them this is by example.  Every time we make a choice for our families as a couple, whether good or bad, it will produce a consequence.  When we hold that we choose what happens in our relationships it is only then that we take full ownership over them.

TMF Readers, remember, marriage is a marathon not a sprint.  In our relationships and through our family issues, when you find yourself not seeing the difference between your choices and you are finding it easy to make your spouse “wrong” instead of holding yourself to the fact that you made a choice too,  your relationship will suffer.  Realizing that our individual choices play a role as well in our issues is key.  Take time to communicate to your spouse the choices you two are making individually and as a couple which affect your relationship.  Having this awareness will give you power and you will avoid taking the easy way out but will make room for more open communication and togetherness.

Peace & Blessings,

Diane

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Begin 2012 In Style!

January 4, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Let’s start the New Year off right when it comes to preparing you to be “on trend” with your style. Color is always important but it is even more important to wear what looks best on you (always trumps a trend – always!) but it is also good to know what is going on around you when it comes to trends and how to adapt them to fit you and your own personal style.

PANTONE (here comes the legal jargon directly quoted from their web site) is the world-renowned authority on color and provider of color systems and leading technology for the selection and accurate communication of color across a variety of industries. The PANTONE® name is known worldwide as the standard language for color communication from designer to manufacturer to retailer to customer. They have chosen “the it” color of 2012 – drum roll please . . . 17-1463 Tangerine Tango!!! For most, this means a subsidiary of orange. For the fashion community we wait with baited breath like we are waiting to hear the award for best picture at the Oscars each and every year – then cheer with glee when it is finally revealed. After that the race is on to find things in our own closets (and those close to us) that are in this hot new shade. If none prevail then it’s a shopping we must go.

I know you are thinking “oh goodness I don’t look good in anything orange”. I did too! What I did cheerfully find was that I did like this Tangerine Tango color and that I didn’t look half bad in it either. There are so many ways to incorporate this latest “it” color into your wardrobe without having to wear it from head to toe. Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize!

1.   Skinny belt – the perfect way to add a splash of color to the LBD (Little Black Dress) or to any neutral without going overboard. Plus a skinny belt is “in” right now in itself.

2.   Statement Jewelry.  Adding statement jewelry in the latest color to spruce up any outfit and, again, look like you have known for days what the hottest color of the year is.

3.   Scarves.  There are endless ways to wear scarves – which leads me to my next point. Find a scarf with the color incorporated in it and pair it (in your hair, around your waist, in a feminine bow around your neck) with a white T, jeans, and a hot hot shoe. Or find a scarf that is entirely one color and add it around the strap of your handbag for a “pop” of color with any ensemble.

4.   Shoes.  My very favorite piece of fashion fame is the shoe. Oh how I adore shoes —but I must digress. Grab a shoe with the “it” color in it or go bold and get a shoe that IS the “it” color and use it to jazz up a monochromatic look – all black, all white, all grey, all beige, – you get the point. My preference is a 6” platform but flats are a great way to stay comfy and in style at the same time.

5.   Handbags.  Don’t forget the clutch! Pick up an adorable clutch handbag and you will find out fast that not only are you so chic but you don’t need as much in your purse as you thought – new year new outlook.

6.   Cosmetics.  Go crazy and try this shade in a new lip gloss or lip stick. Make-Up is one of the greatest accessories and it comes off if you don’t like it – no harm no foul right?

Fashion and personal style is all about having fun above all. Remember to go with what feels right and what makes you happy. You are the one who has to wear it and you want items that make you feel amazing every time you put them on.

Julia Rutland
Aesthetic Design Style House

Julia Rutland is the Founder and Owner of Aesthetic Design Style House located in Indianapolis, Indiana.  For more information about Julia, her company and the services she has to offer, please visit her website at: www.aestheticdesignstyle.com.

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Hollywood = Splitsville?

January 3, 2012 By Leave a Comment

There’s no hiding the fact that it seems like every time we  turn around we are hearing about another Hollywood couple splitting.  Unfortunately, in late 2011, we heard about the break up of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.  This was particularly a disappointment for me because I found them to be one of of the coolest “blended family” marriages out there.  I loved they way they were able to incorporate such a great co-parenting relationship with Bruce Willis.  I’m sure you all have heard the rumors but supposedly, Demi and Ashton’s ”open marriage” arrangement ended up going sour.

Now, this week, we hear that it is splitsville for Russell Brand and Katy Perry.  When I initially heard this, my first response was “Darn it!”  I happen to adore this couple.  However, according to Mail Online, sources close to the couple have said the couple are splitting due to Katy’s desire to put her career before having children.  Being this is a personal choice, I will say I will remain mum on the subject because, at least, they didn’t have children and then decided to divorce.

As I like to say, choice, especially in our relationships is one of the key components to making any relationship last.  If we cannot see the difference between our choices, whether good or bad, it will produce a consequence.  Unfortunately, in these two marriages, in my opinion, the stress of Hollywood made for some choices that weren’t too cohesive to their marital units.

Have a great 2012!

Diane

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