In doing some recent research about the relationships step-parents share with their step-children, I was refreshed with an article I read a while back, a few years after first becoming a stepmom.   The article begged a post here on Todays Modern Family not just because of its relevancy, but because of the importance it holds not just for step-parents facing this issue, but for gay and lesbian couples as well.  I recently experienced such an experience with my step-daughter and I just had to post this article in its entirety for our readers.  I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions regarding same.

Are Step-Parents Real Parents:  Published by Time Magazine (Circa 2006)

This week the Supreme Court let stand a ruling that ultimately could affect as many as one-third of all Americans - anyone in a stepfamily.  But you’ll probably never realize it from any news reports on the ruling.

The case comes out of Washington State. Sue Carvin and Page Britain were lesbians living together since 1989. Their baby, L., was born in 1995, using an at-home artificial insemination kit and some sperm donated from their gay friend. Page Britain carried L. and gave birth, but Sue Carvin became the stay-at-home mom while Page worked to support the family. Their child called Sue “Mama” and Page “Mommy.”

For several years they were a model of lesbian co-parenting. But Page grew upset that Sue didn’t earn much money, and Sue was hurt that Page didn’t recognize the value of her sacrifice. They split up when L. was seven years old. Ever since, they’ve been fighting for custody in the courts. Or sort of. Because the courts couldn’t agree on whether Sue Carvin even had the right to fight for custody. She nurtured the child, but she wasn’t the biological mother. So what was she, in the eyes of the law?

Washington State decided that Sue Carvin has the right to argue she’s a “de facto” parent. This new classification can apply to any non-biological parental figure - and it specifically mentions stepparents. So while the case appears on first glance to be about gay-and-lesbian rights, it may have a far broader impact.

Consider that for every 1,000 couples with children in the United States, only two of those couples are same-sex-oriented. Meanwhile, thanks to the huge number of second marriages, a third of all Americans are part of a stepfamily. The question “Are they real parents?” applies not just to gays and lesbians - it applies to every stepfamily. That’s what the kids are testing when they angrily scream, “You’re not my real mommy!” And when the biological mother hears that her son has been spanked by his stepmother, she wonders, “She can’t do that, can she?”

While we closely monitor how gay rights are granted and taken away, we pay almost no attention to the fact that stepparents are in the same legal limbo. Despite being ubiquitous, step-relationships are rarely recognized by the law. In most states, stepparents are considered “legal strangers” even if they have cared for and supported a stepchild for years. They have almost no official responsibility and barely any rights.

What kind of rights are they deprived of? Some are remarkably banal. For instance a stepparent can’t sign a child’s school report card or field-trip permission form. Others are significant. A stepfather can’t include his stepdaughter on his family health insurance plan, for example. And she can’t inherit from him when he dies.

In the last few years, state family courts have tried to accommodate the stepparents and stepchildren who appear before them, without granting so much that it subtracts rights from a biological parent. In Colorado a stepparent can now sign the form that allows a minor to apply for a driver’s license. And in Oregon, a stepparent can petition the courts for visitation of former stepchildren, if that marriage has ended. In Arkansas, it’s even theoretically possible now for a stepparent to win custody over a biological parent. But in each state it’s a different story, and many states are still in denial.

So a stepmother can take a month off work to care for her sick stepson, thanks to the federal law on Family Leave. But if she has to take her stepson to the emergency room, state law might prevent her from authorizing medical treatment. And if her son ends up dying due to hospital negligence, she can’t sue.

The legal field is sitting on a huge time bomb. One-third of Americans are just one unfortunate circumstance away from ending up in court demanding their rights - where they will be told that those relationships aren’t real, and don’t count.

The U.S. Supreme Court has never been pressed to rule whether a stepparent is a real parent, and if so, under what conditions. But when it declined to review Britain v. Carvin, Washington State’s test for “de facto” parents instantly became a model for other states to replicate. Through a case everyone thought was about gay rights, stepfamilies just opened the door to the recognition they truly deserve.

Over the next 10 years, there will be an explosion of cases testing just how “real” stepparents are. This will never get the attention surrounding same-sex cases, because stepfamilies are just as populous in red states as blue, and no politician can use it to their advantage. Nor are stepfamilies subjected to the same degree of prejudice. Stepparents might be vilified, but they are vilified one at a time - not as a class. However, the systematic bias against them is very real.

Just as the law prefers parents to be one male and one female, the law prefers to limit the number of parents to two. Maybe this is because two is the number of people it takes to make a child in the first place. Maybe it’s because all the government forms are already printed with two signature lines. Maybe it’s because two worked so well for us for so long. But that hasn’t been the reality for several decades, and it’s time for the law to catch up.

Give me your thoughts TMF readers, we would love to hear your opinions on this subject!

You can read the full article at:

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1195205,00.html#ixzz0yHi6btPl

              1.         If you go with a parent to meet with an attorney, remember that the attorney-client confidentiality privilege is just between the client and attorney. Give your parent a chance to be alone with the attorney to cover sensitive topics. Yes, parents have secrets, too. Writing down questions beforehand and taking notes during the meeting will free up your parent to listen to, and form opinions about, the attorney. 

            2.         If your parents are fighting in your presence, ask them to be civil when you are in the vicinity. You have no idea how often older clients report (and respect) adult children putting their foot down, and drawing boundaries, during their parents’ divorce.

            3.         Offer to help with time-consuming tasks, such as: culling through financial records, especially when it is time to estimate living expenses, both current and future.  Sorting through records and running calculations is overwhelming to anyone of any age going through a divorce. And your help can be a welcomed relief for a parent who was not the marital bookkeeper.

            4.         If your parents are not capable of communicating with each other, consider the risks of acting as a messenger or an interpreter. There are times when they may need your help, but think twice before diving into their drama.  

            5.         Don’t find yourself being a Super Sleuth. Spying on the other parent can backfire and is best left to investigation specialists. If testimony is needed later, you do not want to be the one on the witness stand describing your mother’s tryst escapade.

            6.         Try to understand your own agenda — fearing the loss of financial support or the disruption of life as you once knew it? Concerned about a parent’s financial or emotional dependency on you? Anger at the initiating parent?  Remember that alliances can shift. For example: Daughter is mom’s confidante and echoes mom’s disdain toward dad for “dumping” the family. Later, daughter’s alliance shifts when she tires of mom’s continuing derisiveness toward dad.

            7.         Personal weaknesses and foibles are magnified during divorce. Taking sides is tempting, and sometimes appropriate. But “divorcing” a parent can put you in a difficult position if reconciliation occurs.

            8.         Help your parents design a new future. If your family home has to be sold, take photos, hold the memories, and adapt with an adventuresome spirit. In one case, my client faced the likelihood that she could not afford to keep the marital home — until she and her daughter had a creative moment.  Mom ended up renting the home to her daughter and son-in-law and redecorating her ex-husband’s workshop and garage into a really cozy efficiency apartment — big enough to suit her needs and desires. The arrangement has worked beautifully for everyone concerned.

            9.         Telling grandchildren that Grandma and Grandpa are splitting can definitely be a challenge. So much depends on the age of the children, their degree of closeness to the grandparents, and how much acrimony is flying. I have been told by grandparent-clients that they struggled with this situation, but those very close to the grandchildren often wanted to be involved in the explanation and give reassurance that both grandparents would continue to adore them.

            10.       Involvement of adult children can be helpful to an attorney. In one case I met with my new client and her daughter. Mom had to leave the room for a few minutes, and the daughter whispered, “You know, my mother has been diagnosed with early stage dementia.” No, I did NOT know! People are always nervous and forgetful in our initial meeting. This was obviously a crucial piece of information.

          The best gift a child can receive after a parental divorce is to see both parents thrive and bounce back from one of life’s most challenging upheavals. This applies to adult children as well.

            JANICE GREEN practices family law in Austin,TX, is listed in Best Lawyers in America, is a Fellow in the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, and her recently published book, Divorce After 50: Your Guide to the Unique Legal & Financial Challenges, includes a discussion about the roles adult children play in their parents’ divorce later in life.

Whether you are a mom, a stepmom with or without your own children, being happy is not just a necessity, but crucial.  Some of us tend to create impressions that we are truly happy to satisfy the emotional well-being of our children and husbands but fooling ourselves at the same time.

As I have written in prior posts, I feel that the number one reason we dont allow ourselves to be happy is because we have conjured up this notion that we are not allowed to nurture ourselves.  We refuse to “let go” of being the “be all and do all” for everyone except ourselves.  This is really a crime to our mental and emotional well-beings.  Key words…”being all and doing all” for ourselves, FIRST, doesn’t limt our happiness.

When we are only happy within limits, we are accomplishing nothing except giving ourselves self-satisfaction in exchange for a ruinous path.  By doing this, we cannot submit our grievances to our partners if we are not prepared to change this bad habit at the same time.  By limiting your own personal happiness, later in life, you will be remorseful for not paying attention to yourself.

Throughout my 20’s and 30’s, I lived this way myself, mostly unhappy and neglected;  not because I couldn’t be happy, but because I chose to put everyone ahead of me!  Because I was a single mom for most of those years, I didn’t think I had the time, nor did I feel it was proper to put myself before my children.  Boy, was I wrong!   As I have stated before, it’s like when you first board the airplane;  the stewardess teaches you to always put the oxygen mask on yourself before your children.  Why, because if you aren’t healthy and able-bodied how can you help anyone else?  The same goes for taking care of ourselves as single parents, moms and stepmoms.   It wasn’t until recently, in  my early 40’s did I really begin to see those effects and how by incorporating a few simple changes I could make my life better.  It really was an epiphany to me.  Now, I yearn each day to see what other ways I can find to incorporate more happiness.  By doing this, I have become a way better mother and stepmother.

Here are a few simple tips for nurturing that you can apply in your life as well:

• Take time to focus on your personal spiritual growth.
• Splurge on yourself once in a while — you work hard — you deserve it!
• Take 1 hour a day to yourself and focus on YOU!
• Surround yourself with good people who are uplifting.
• Take time for friendships.
• Take a class or focus on a hobby that brings you joy.

Another important value of finding happiness is “weeding out your obstacles.”  Keep in mind that just as weeds can take over a garden or a flower bed, they can take over your thoughts, perceptions and attitudes to the detriment of your own well-being.  Even healthy plants, if they aren’t cultivated properly, get sick.  As women, we run ourselves down at the drop of a hat; even dropping everything at a moments notice when our children, step-children or husbands need something.  Often times, it becomes overwhelming and feels like you are fighting against a never-ending current, all of which makes us uneven and out of balance.

Moving our obstacles out of the way of our true happiness allows us to take a stand for what is crucial to preserve…and that is living not just happily but abundantly.  Our children and step-children will grow up and move on and we need to have our own happiness.  As I stated in the preamble of this post, this not only applies to moms, but equally importantly to step-moms.  There is a preconceived notion that it’s okay for moms to need a break from the monotony of every day life and motherhood, but if a stepmom expresses such, she is being weak, unloving and mean.  What husbands and ex-wives forget is that a stepmom deals with the same, if not more, issues and stresses any other parent in the blended family.  Think about it, she has her own children, her stepchildren, constantly changing routines to fit everyone, and most of the time, she is overlooked in the appreciation department.  Even still, she also deserves to find happiness and to take time for herself as well. 

So get on board ladies!!  Don’t be afraid to move and weed out those obstacles!  I promise you, you will be a better person and mother for it!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

But whether or not you’re a celebrity, most days modern mommas are juggling so many things that it feels like they have a celebrity’s schedule. If you’re a modern single momma who’s having to do it all, you probably can’t or should I say, shouldn’t, live without your “me” time. If you’re a modern stepmomma, raising someone else’s kids, a glass of wine may top your must have list. If you’re a modern working momma, a routine is probably essential for you.

We checked with some Today’s Modern Family modern momma readers and friends to see what their mom must haves were and compiled a list of the top ten. Because we are advocates of our modern mommas taking good care of themselves and we know must haves don’t have to be specifically for the kid, we encouraged our readers and friends to list something that they personally need to get them through mommyhood. Are any of your must haves on the list? If not, add them in the comment section.

As a new mom (again) to a 4 month old cutie pie and mom to a 13 year old, I must agree with number 1 on the list; ten minute power naps. Delina Hill-Brooker, co-author of Revealing and Healing, says that there’s nothing like a 10 minute power nap to quickly rejuvenate yourself. Another one of our modern mommas said that a glass of Berringer White Zifindale does the trick for her. McDonald’s Ice Coffee is another one of our modern mommas drink of choice. She said that it’s a definite mom must have.

Spicy Wifey co-founder and celebrity make-up artist, Quin says that she can’t live without her Jaime Earl Organic Skin Care line!

Many of our modern mommas confessed to not getting enough of paper plates. The less dishes they have to do the better and I must agree!

Studies do show that exercise releases endorphins that make you happy and a few of our  mommas can’t live without that gym time.

As a mom and stepmom, with kids coming and going like ping pong balls, a rountine was essential especially when my son and stepson were very young. Modern single momma of 5, Chamar Folson couldn’t agree more. A rountine tops her list of mom must haves.

 ”As a mother of 5 children, the most important thing for me is a concrete evening schedule. Children thrive on structure and it helps keep them well rounded when they get older,” explained Folson.

Author of bestseller, Mircales of my Mistakes, and divorced modern momma of 5, T.Smith, swears by Godiva’s dark chocolate maccroons - yummy. 

Several of our mommas must have  daily meditation or spiritual time with God. Modern momma, Jina Helms said that she worships God daily through song on her way to work and on her way home, and won’t go a day without it.

“It’s my woosah moment and keeps me prepared for all of my jobs; mom, wife and employee,” said Jina.

design by Tiffany Kendall of Glass House Coutoure

CEO and lead designer of Glass House Coutoure and modern single momma, Tiffany Kendall, said that she can’t live without removable wall decals. She says they are a must have for moms because they can easily personalize their kid’s room with them.

As a working mother, I can definitely relate to more than a few of the above. I can’t function without a daily dose of “Kela” time, those 10 minute power naps are a great “pick me up” and paper plates save me time on doing the dishes. What about you? Tell us what you just can’t live without.

 Have a favorite t-shirt? Try pairing it with a cute blazer, jeans and heels and you’ve got an easy outfit that you can wear to the store, dinner or anywhere else. 

A simple sweater or cardigan with heels or flats will allow you to continue wearing your summer dresses. Some dresses you’ll need to leave in the summer like those halters but even your long maxi dress will be cute to wear this fall.

If you feel the need to buy something new this fall but don’t have a lot of money to spend, try updating your look with new accessories or buy a few staple pieces that you can mix and match with other items in your closet. Never be afraid to venture into a store like forever 21 or Charlotte Russe,  you may not like their clothes but you’ll be surprised at what you can find on the accessories table. Both stores have great accessories for even better prices. I believe you’re never too old to be fashionable. Play around with look until you love until you find something that works for you. It’s all about you and YOUR personal style! Check out these reasonable priced pieces (all under $100) that will instantly take your outfit from drab to fab!

Baker's necklace $14.00

Old Navy Blazer $29.50

Forever 21 Bracelet $8.80

Simple Black Dress from Target $24.99

Baker's Shoes $79.95

Pants from Newport News $19.00

Ta’Keisha Violet Ryan is currently the Assistant Director of Midwest Fashion Week and works side by side with some of the best designers in the Midwest. A love of fashion is what led her to create her blog Violet Meets Fashion where she encourages her readers to live life fabulously. Ta’Keisha is inspired by Kimora Lee Simmons but she attributes her sense of style to Sarah Jessica Parker/Carrie Bradshaw.

Loving our children doesn’t mean that as divorced parents, everything is always going to be hunky dorey.  We don’t prove to our children that we love them by showering them with gifts every other weekend or spoiling them beyond comprehension.  When we do this, our children equate “love” with “things.”  More importantly, loving our children means disciplining them when their behavior isn’t favorable (whether that be due to blended family issues or any concerning issue for that matter).  Many times, many non-custodial parents (and some custodial parents) will not hold their children accountable for their behavior, especially when there is a step-parent in the home which in turn sends destructive mixed signals to the children. 

Often times, Dads try too hard to protect their children from the issues that ultimately they will have to face as a child of divorce.  Albeit natural, we all want to protect our children from pain, but at the same time, we cannot brush problems under the rug and believe they will simply go away.  By doing this, they are not allowing their children nor themselves to heal from the wounds divorce creates in the first place.  With the guilt, they over-protect, which is a lot of the time to the detriment of the mental well-being of their new wives, their children and themselves as well.  As Dr. Wednesday Martin has said about divorce…”when unions dissolve, children do suffer.”  My advice would be “why make them suffer more by pushing them into “poor Dad or poor Mom” mode? 

Parents, let’s be realistic.  We make mistakes and some of our mistakes are big ones!  NO parent is perfect.  Looking back on my 23 years of parenting, I know I have some guilt.  Heck, I can’t blame anyone but myself for some of my errors.  However, if we wallow in the guilt of our past mistakes, it hampers our ability to parent effectively.  Plain and simple, there are no easy answers to parenting.  It’s all about trial and error and making the best of the situation we have at hand.  

Parents, children equate love with discipline, structure, boundaries and the love that we show them on a daily basis, not by the “things” we do with or buy for them.   For example, making them respect their step-parent at all times is huge.  This teaches them unity, love and respect.  If you allow discord, you teach discord.  If you allow unruliness, you teach unruliness.  In other words, if you teach what it really means to parent effectively by showing love and respect, they will always find and implement that in their own lives.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6

Montana is a daughter from his previous marriage. He and his former wife, former actress and now personal trainer, Hajna Moss-Fishburne, divorced when Montana was two year’s old. However, Montana assures us that it wasn’t a troubled childhood of any sort that led her into the world of porn; instead, it was simply her love for sex.

In an E! News interview with Giuliana Rancic, she explained that after losing her virginity at age 16, she realized that she loved to express her sexuality and finds it very liberating to do so.  She also says that like Kim Kardashian (although Kim did not want her sex tape released), she isn’t using her new DVD to break into show business. She just loves sex.

“I think it was just wanting to explore sexuality,” she added. “Cause I know it’s such a big world I was just like, wow, well since I like sex … I wanted to see everything that I would like, every kind of fantasy I would like and porn is a way that I could explore that,”  she explained.

Montana also stated that although her mom wasn’t necessarily excited about the idea and expressed worry and concern for her, she supports her decision and just wants what’s best for her. Her dad, Laurence, on the other hand will not return her phone calls.

Laurence Fishburne is best known for his role as Furious Styles, in the 1990’s hit movie Boyz in the Hood and for his role as Morpheus in the Matrix. He has been remarried to actress, Gina Torres, who plays Dr. Dorothy Rand on the new show, Huge, since 2002. They share one child together.

The number one stepmom complaint that I’ve heard, read and even experienced is they [husband and ex-wife] makes plans for their kids without consulting me, yet they expect me to be involved in the plans.  For example, husband and ex-wife sign kid up for little league soccer, but neither of them can take him; or they scheduled an orthodontic appointment for you to take her to, without consulting you. I know it isn’t right but you don’t have to whine about it. You don’t even have to get angry. All you have to do is say NO! Let’s use the same orthodontic appoint ment to illustrate what I mean. When you find out that the appointment has been scheduled for a time that you can’t take her and no one has consulted you, you simply go to your husband and say, “honey bear, sugar foot, cupcake, baby (whatever pet name you use), you really should have consulted me prior to scheduling that appointment because I can’t take her. Since you two made the plans, one of you will have to take her.” If hubby says, okay and he’ll have ex-wife take her then you further explain that he’ll also need to be present for drop off and pick. And you let that be the end of the story. You don’t have to fight, get angry, or give him attitude about it. You simply have to state what it is that you will and won’t do and then go about your business.

As I stated earlier, I am a reformed whiner baby. I used to whine and complain all the time about how my husband and his ex-wife would take advantage of me. They made plans all the time and he got up and went to work and she was no where to be found. Bear in mind that I had to go to work, too. He just left before me and I was always left, baffled asking, “what in the hell just happened here?” After complaining for years, literally, I realized that I was becoming a bitter whiner that was just unpleasant to be around. That was until I got a clue; I actually have more power over the situation than I think because I can simply say no and let them deal with it. Now this of course ruffled the ex-wife’s feathers, but my husband actually understood where I was coming from because I approached him the right way. From that point on, he never made plans without consulting me again.

Here’s the revelation ladies: you have way more power than you think you do and will fair a lot better and reduce stress by controlling what you can instead of trying to control how everyone feels about you. Running yourself into the ground by doing a bunch of things in hopes that you’ll be appreciated or considered the good stepmom only makes you a bitter person.   Additionally, remember it’s all in how you approach your hubby as well; just say NO, without anger or attitude and go on your merry way. We put too much pressure on ourselves to be and fit this unattainable notion of what a stepmom is. As I’ve said before, a stepmom doesn’t have to be the resident punching bag in order to be a good stepmom but often times, it’s the stepmother herself who places herself in that position. Just know that you can be loving, kind, supportive and caring without being taken advantage of. Putting your foot down (in certain situations) doesn’t make you bad, but it will keep you sane.

Bella and Edward

Okay, I shamefully admit that I am a huge fan of the Twilight movies.  Yep, you read correctly, I am an over 30 year old wife and working mother of a 13 year old (who can’t stand Twilight, by the way) and 4 month old and stepmother to an almost 14 year old, and I love Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse. I also like the books, by stay at home mom, Stephenie Meyer, that started the whole phenomenon.Well apparently there are a whole lot of Twilight mommy fans out there because many are choosing to name their babies after the characters.

According to the Social Security Administration these character names are fast climbing the charts of the most popular baby names in the U.S. Names like Isabella (the full name of Kristen Stewart’s Bella character) replaced Emma as the most popular baby name for girls in 2009. Among the boys, Jacob (the werewolf played by Taylor Lautner) retained its 11-year-run at the top of boys list. Additionally, we are seeing more and more Jaspers, Emmetts and Alices pop up in 2009 and 2010. And they didn’t forget about Edward (the leading vampire played by Robert Pattinson). The name Edward posted only a modest rise of 11 spots on the list to reach No. 137, says the SSA, but Cullen (his last name) was the fastest rising name among boys, soaring 297 places to land at No. 485.

As a new mom, again, as my first time was 13 years ago, I know how exciting and overwhelming it can be to choose the perfect name. Although I opted not to go for a Twilight inspired name for my baby boy, I think choosing such a name is very modern and see nothing wrong with moms getting inspiration from movies, books, soap operas or the Bible. Just remember that choosing the perfect name need not be so pressure filled as so many moms literally stress themselves out over choosing the perfect name.  Have fun with it, go with what inspires you and not everyone else and don’t rush. It’s perfectly okay to choose a name, once he or she is born, that fits your baby’s personality perfectly.

For a little help, check out Baby Names World or Baby Name Stats or watch your favorite movie and get inspired!

Good luck to all my modern day pregnant mommies out there!