Expectations

In my opinion, one of the main reasons stepmoms struggle on mother’s day is because they set their expectations of their stepchild(ren) way too high.  Albeit, as I stated above, you absolutely deserve to be acknowledged but even though you play a huge role in your stepchild’s life, the acknowledgement you desire may not simply be something your stepchildren are capable of giving you at the moment or on this particular day.  Remember, conflict of loyalties play a dominant role in your stepchildren’s lives, and especially on special days such as this.  Place yourself in your stepchild’s shoes and try to see it from their position of loyalty.  If you do, it will make things a lot easier on you.

Redirect Your Emotions

Recognizing your negative feelings is the first step in turning them into positive actions.  Accepting that your situation “is what it is” can help you relieve a lot of stress. Find positive ways to spend your day.  Take this day for yourself stepmoms.  Pamper yourself.  Look at it as “your day” instead of “someone else’s” day.   Incorporating quality “self time” is not just healthy for your physical well-being, but for your mental well-being.  You deserve it!

Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be complicated for you.  Managing your expectations and understanding your stepchildren’s feelings is all it really takes to get through the day.  Listen, I love my stepdaughter as if she is my own child.  I do a lot for her and as much as my ego would love for her to drop everything for me, wrap her arms around me, shower me with a gift and say thank you for being such a good stepmom to her, and as much as I would love to get tons of gratitude from her, I am not her mother and I would never try to be.  I do what I do for her because I love her, plain and simple.  Not because I need mother’s day to reassure me of that.  I get that reassurance every time she hugs me when she walks in the door or when she is happy to see me, when she sends me a random text message when she isn’t with us or when when she spends time talking with me about her day.  I get that simply when I see her smiling and I know that she is happy.

Stepmoms, if  you are also bio moms, take this day for you and your children.  It’s obvious that we are going to feel the need to include your stepchildren but by simply accepting that there is nothing wrong with them feeling the need to spend time with their own mother will allow you to spend time with your own children, guilt-free, without them.  Now, obviously, if you are a stepmom who is the primary custodial parent with dad or the stepchildren’s mother is absent altogether, then of course, I am sure you would want nothing less than including them in your heart and most certainly in your plans that day.  If you don’t have children, take the opportunity to celebrate yourself, not just on mother’s day but every day.  Pamper yourself spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.  Keep up the good work!  You are a gift to your stepchildren every day!

To all my moms out there whether bio or step, have a wonderful and Happy Mother’s Day!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

One of the main questions I get when I am meeting with clients that are having marital problems due to the stresses and strains of the stepfamily life and remarriage itself, is how can I keep my spouse from withdrawing from me?  Unfortunately, there have been times when I have met with clients that allowed the stresses and strains to consume their remarriage to the point that they are emotionally disengaged with one another.  They both were purposely becoming more preoccupied with themselves and ignoring their marriages, spending less time together and definitely not interested in intimacy, with their spouses that is.  I have even had clients that have fallen into the trap of having emotional affairs with other people outside of their marriages.  Spouses guilty of this type of betrayal justify same by focusing on the fact that “no sexual contact” had been made and that the other person is only a “platonic friend,” but what they don’t realize is that actually, emotional affairs , 99% of the time lead to physical affairs.  This is dangerous territory for any marriage to say the least, but when there is already the dynamics of step involved, this territory becomes even more dangerous. 

Let’s talk about how couples become emotionally disengaged with one another.   Here are a few examples:

• Communication is limited.
  
• One or both spouses are too lenient on issues pertaining to boundaries, standards and expectations in the household.
  
• Quality time between spouses is limited.
  
• Matters of discipline regarding stepchildren cannot be agreed upon.
  
• Expectations are unrealistic.
  
• Stepchildren are non-accepting of stepmom or stepdad and causing issues.The marriage doesn’t feel like a partnership but rather one or both partners’ feels like a criminal or scapegoat in their own home.

When all or some of these factors are present in an already stressful situation, it is my opinion that as human beings we become more vulnerable to making mistakes and to falling into the trap of relying on someone else outside of our marriage to provide emotional support.  That emotional support may seem harmless at first because one might be thinking that they just need to “get stress off their chest” so they lean on someone of the opposite sex to get their “viewpoint” or something of the like.  As time passes, they come to find out that they are not just reaching for another point of view, but rather they are beginning to invest more of their emotions than they expected in this person.  Those emotions eventually turn into companionship and an emotional affair/betrayal has been formed.  Unfortunately, your “guilt-free” feelings become damaging to your marriage.

Protecting your marriage is the number one thing we preach here at Today’s Modern Family.  If your marriage isn’t healthy, your family will not be healthy.  If you marriage isn’t strong, your co-parenting skills will be weak at best.  If your remarriage isn’t bonded and you and your spouse are not on one accord, your family foundation will crumble.    Here are some tips to avoid the pitfalls of emotional betrayal.

• Work together to have a marriage based on trust, friendship and love.
  
• Spend quality and quantity time together. Take time out for your marriage.  It takes sacrifice to make any remarriage work but acknowledging that parenting is only one part of your life together.  Take time for each other.  This is one area you do not want to sacrifice.
  
• Support one another’s goals and dreams.  Get involved and show that you care.  Nothing is more uplifting than to know that your partner shares your dreams and supports your quest for same.  Keep in mind that support is a two-way street.  Don’t just depend on your spouse to step up and understand everything right way.  Invite his/her participation as well.  Share your vision.
  
• Don’t sweep existing issues under the rug or pretend there isn’t things you need to work on.   Talk, talk, talk!  Communication is key to understanding and to being heard.
  
• Touch one another frequently.  Small hugs, love pats and romantic kisses throughout the day leads to bond building.
  
• Combine your strengths.  In every remarriage and in every nuclear marriage, where one might be weak, the other might be strong.  Complement one another.  Help one another.
  
• Compromise, compromise, compromise.  This is one of the main components I stress in all of my coaching sessions.  Without compromise, you will not effectively be able to coparent nor will your remarriage stand the test of time. Compromise is one of the tools in your remarriage toolbox that you cannot go without.
  
• Fidelity in your marriage is crucial.  When you took your vows, you promised to forsake all others in order to protect your union.  Don’t lean on others outside of your marriage for things that you should be getting from your spouse.  If you are feeling uneasy in this area, communicate your feelings to your spouse and seek professional coaching. 

TMF Readers, don’t be one of those couples that I end up meeting with that have a list of “things” they wish they had talked about or compromised on.  Put your marriage first and foremost on your “to do” list if you feel like there are issues arising.  As your relationship grows, it is important to always put in the work it needs so that your love becomes not just a simple “want.”  It goes deeper than that.  Your love your relationship becomes a “need” and a “longing.”  With that bond and commitment, there is absolutely no room for emotional betrayals and no room for division. 

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Diane’s Penne Casserole

Ingredients:

1 – 16 ounce box of penne pasta
1 -17 ounce jar of spaghetti sauce
1-17 ounce jar of water
1-1/2 cups of beef, chicken or sausage (your preference)
1 tablespoon of dried Italian seasoning
1/8th teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes
1 tablespoon of minced garlic or 1 teaspoon of dried garlic powder
1-regular sized bag of shredded mozzarella cheese

Directions:

Cook meat and drain as necessary.   In a 9×13 inch pan, add the uncooked penne pasta, spaghetti sauce, spices and one jar of water; mix gently and cover with aluminum foil.  Bake in a 350 degree oven for 40 minutes.

Remove foil, add desired meat and stir.  Add cheese to the top and place back in the oven until cheese is melted.  Serve with garlic toast and a simple salad.

Peace and Blessings,
Diane

Whether you are an out or in home working mother, it is very important to understand and incorporate balance in your daily routine.  For all you women out there juggling your career, your mommy/stepmom-world, your household and your (re)marrige, this article is for you.  I like to call us “mompreneurs.”

Living, working and being a woman in the 21st century, I wanted to do some research on the subject of women in the workforce and the “superwoman syndrome” as I like to call it.  During the 1950′s and early 60′s, no more than 20 to 30% of mothers were employed outside the home.  Most of the women who worked at that time pretty much “had to” for various reasons (i.e., primarily poor women, etc.).  In the late 60′s and early 70′s, large amounts of women began to enter the workforce.  That is where the juggling act began to come into play.  By the late 80′s, 70% of mothers were also employed outside the home (statistics obtained from www.ucg.org).

Today, moms are doing it all.  They are not only moms, but stepmothers, entrepreneurs and employees all at the same time.  As you can imagine, with that comes a lot of stress.   Packed as my life is at times, I understand that in the world we live in today, this is not out of the ordinary.  For some of us, the challenge seems to lie in learning the art of balance.  Personally, the first step in finding the balance you need is to acknowledge that you cannot do it all.  Lowering your expectations is key.  It’s fine to have dreams and goals and to work toward them but don’t expect that you have to lose yourself in the process.

My five step plan to balance has worked for me in my busy life as a mompreneur and I would like to share it with you readers in hopes that instead of stressing about how you are going to get it all done, you can begin to apply balance which will make your life less stressful in your career and your (re)marriage.  Lots of marriages become stressed because of the inability to master the balancing act being a mompreneur requires.

Diane’s Five Step Plan for Balance:

1.  Set your priorities.  Your first priority should always be your marriage.  Consult and include your spouse.  Both you and your partner need to be on the same page when it comes to all things in your marriage, but especially if you are a mompreneur.  Communicating your goals, sharing your dreams and supporting one another is crucial.  Being a mompreneur along with a wife can clash if you and your spouse are not in agreement on subjects like money, time away from family, travel, etc.  Running a successful business and having a successful family life takes more than just support, it requires sacrifice from everyone in the family.  Communicating and involving (if you can) your spouse will help him understand your plans for not just you, but for what you are trying hard to accomplish for the bettterment of your family.

2.  Support Systems:  It is very important as a mompreneur to have back-up support.  As a business owner, there are times when I get a call from a client that might need me that day instead of the next when their normal appointment was scheduled.  Therefore, because of the nature of my business, I may have to juggle somethings around.  It is always good to know that I can call on one of my soccer moms to grab my son and take him to practice for me and I, of course, can return the favor at a later date.  It’s also good to know that I can pick up the phone and call my husband and have him handle dinner plans, homework and laundry duty that evening for me so that I can take care of my clients needs.  This type of situation doesn’t happen very often, but if it does, I have put my support system in place so that I can juggle without guilt.

3.  Time Management:  I don’t know about you, but to me, there is never enough hours in the day for me to get done what I want and need to get done and this leads to losing ourselves as I stated above.  Therefore, finding time for socialization, spiritual needs, mental, emotional and personal care can get pushed aside.  Condense your time and make sure you make time for yourself and others that matter to you.

4.  Get Organized:  Your work is a part of who you are.  If you are disorganized in your work, you personally will feel disorganized.  Calendar things in advance to avoid double-booking (i.e., make sure your children’s extra-curricular activities are on your calendar in advance of appointments so you can at the least make sure those are not missed); if you are a stay-at-home working mom, get your children on a good schedule so that your business time is not interrupted; have control over your workload.  Don’t take on more than you can handle at any given moment; keep your financial situation in mind before you make big changes.  Discuss those changes and financial situations with your spouse.  Don’t wait until the last minute to spring it on your husband.  And, if you have too much on your plate at the moment you are asked to take on another project, learn to say no!  It’s okay to step back a bit, regroup and it’s okay to say no!

5.  Lower your expectations:  Always keep in mind that on any given day there are going to be trade-offs that you have to make when being a mompreneur.  There are going to be days when your focus for that day is going to have to be on your children and/or your spouse (i.e., due to illness, school events, etc.).  When those situations occur, you may have to decide to make up your work at the end of the day – this is one of the trade-offs. Rome wasn’t built in a day and your career won’t be either.

Being a mompreneur takes sacrifice but keep in mind that it is not your whole life.  Take time to consider each decision you make when it comes to how those decisions might affect your family.  Be flexible and never forget that you have to take care of yourself.  You are not superwoman.  Remember that guilt, pressure and frustration will rear its ugly head and you will have to be prepared to balance.   You can thrive and balance ladies.  Lastly, I want to emphasize again the importance of quality time with your family.  Plan a vacation.  There is always going to be housework, duties to take care of and stress involved in being a mompreneur.  Take time to replenish and renew yourself and your family.  Vacations, even small ones, are great avenues to strengthening your relationships.

Peace & Blessings,

Diane

An example of the challenges that families in this situation face is the stigma and bigotry that is placed upon them by peer pressure. Like any stepparent, defining your role with your stepchildren will be hard but it may be a little trickier if your stepchildren face emotional issues or unfair stigmas from their peers. Young children who haven’t been exposed to prejudice views have no problem with acceptance, but preteens and teenagers may not be as lucky. Not only do they have to worry about what their peers think, at times, they may already have formed their own opinions in this area that may not always be that of their parents. All in all, patience in this instance is the key to successful stepparenting.

In my research, I have found the main component, like in every stepfamily, is communication. The lack thereof can be what makes your family stronger or what ultimately leads to its demise. When communication is lacking, stepparents find it difficult to execute their roles and their identities feel as if they are null and void.

Outside of all of the myths that come along with same sex partnership (i.e., because a parent is gay their child will be gay, etc.) (which research has proven that children raised in gay/lesbian homes are no more likely to become gay than that of straight parents). Other challenges that gay and lesbian couples in a stepparent situation face is that which is different from my story above. Some ex-spouses are resentful at the notion that their children have to be raised in this type in environment so they are less likely to communicate and co-parent effectively. Ex-spouses often use their ex-partners sexual orientation against them when it comes to custody and court battles which make way for a lot of tension and stress for the children, not to mention bullies at school, etc. In my opinion, when this situation presents itself, honesty with your children is always the best policy. It is important that both parents are honest with their children. Otherwise, children feel isolation of the family unit they once had. Remember, the children are the ones that have to manage what is going on within the different households but also with their peers and those outside of their world. In speaking about this particular stress, think about this idea. Children are taught from all ends of the spectrum (from school, church, peers) that being in a gay or lesbian relationship isn’t what is “traditional.” It’s up to parents and stepparents to communicate and to be honest and allow them to express their feelings, to listen to their opinions and views and to let them know that what they think matters. Once open communication and trust is established, they will feel more free to be honest with you about their feelings and it is with this openness that you will be able to help them with acceptance. Here are a few tips to help you navigate a newly formed gay/lesbian stepfamily situation:

Communicate. Communicating with your ex-spouse, your new partner and your children is the utmost important task you need to master. Not only do feelings need to be discussed, but talking to them about your sexuality is also needed. Obviously, age-appropriateness needs to be taken into consideration as a 3 year old isn’t going to understand, but if your children/stepchildren are old enough to understand, or to feel the effects of your relationship from outside influences, then you need to be open and honest. We have to practice what we preach as parents. We want our kids to be honest with us, we need to be honest with them. This component is especially important when it comes to helping them with acceptance. Their feelings are important, they should matter to you and you should make sure they understand that.

Respect Their Feelings.  Children may have feelings of fear upon first learning of your sexuality. Make them comfortable by explaining to them that whatever feelings they have on the subject are safe with you and they are safe to express themselves as long as it is in a respectful manner. Be supportive.

Educate Them.  As I state frequently, children live what they learn. If you teach your children to learn to respectfully deal with those that choose to disagree with their views and/or those that treat them differently, they will always end up on the right side of the fence. If we model these same behaviors, they will follow our lead. Otherwise, if we don’t teach them, they will pay more attention to the negative and therefore their reactions to people who may not agree with your family situation may be toxic.

Spend Quality Time with Them.  Make sure that your time with your children/stepchildren is quality time. Your children will need extra support and it is important that you and your partner provide that by spending quality time with them.

TMF Readers, if you are a part of a newly-formed, same-sex partnership where you are raising children/stepchildren, I encourage you to pay attention to your children’s needs, fears and concerns. I would also encourage, as I would any nuclear or stepfamily, to encourage them to voice their opinion. As parents, it is our responsibility to make sure our children’s needs are met whether that be emotional, mental or physical. Most importantly, our children need to know that we value them, their feelings and their opinions. Once they know they have a voice and feel those vibes from you and your partner, they will be more well-rounded and will care much less about what others think.

Peace and blessings,

Diane

One thing I did learn was how to streamline my closet. I had to realize that I wasn’t going to be pregnant forever (though it felt like it) so I had to make the most of the pieces I added to my wardrobe for these times in my life. It’s fun for a while to borrow your husband’s shirts but then it’s not so cute toward the end. You need your own stuff to keep your personal style even during the time of a growing belly.

Let’s start with with the MUST HAVE’s – these are the pieces that you will NEED during pregnancy and the basics for your new body. They will take you from the office to the park. These are staples that can be built upon with the “fun” and “trendy” items.

• Maternity Jeans – if you buy a pair of “extended size” jeans they will last in every phase of pregnancy so that saves on cost.

•  White T
• Black T
• Black Pants

•  Maxi Dress of any color
•  Black Skirt (long or short – up to you)
• Maternity Undies (I know they seem huge but at the end you will THANK ME!)
• Bathing Suit

So now you’re thinking “that’s it”? Yes. The rest you can go wild with like awesome statement jewelry, scarves, bright bold T’s that are so inexpensive, and, of course, awesome shoes!!! As much as I, personally, don’t care for flats I must admit there are some really cute ones out there and they are a MUST for swollen ankles and feet J A wedge can be your friend during this time as well. My fave motto is that “accessories always fit” so go crazy!

In addition to the basics remember to add color to your look. Now I’m not one to talk as I wore black all the time but I did that for work purposes mostly and I thought it was more slimming – LOL. Knowing what I know now I could have had more fun with color. Doing all of one color is slimming no matter what the color so be bold and have fun this Spring. Then you are able to add those fun pieces that stand out – maybe even more than your adorable belly.

Remember you don’t have to spend a lot to get a lot. Some stores have gotten smart and have begun offering “maternity bundles”!!! Here are some suggestions on making this the best time of your life without breaking the bank.

Live life well and ENJOY!

Julia Rutland is the Founder and Owner of Aesthetic Design Style House located in Indianapolis, Indiana. For more information about Julia, her company and the services she has to offer, please visit her website at: www.aestheticdesignstyle.com.

The star couple announced Tuesday that their 11-year marriage has ended.

“While we have decided to end our marriage, we both share the same deep love and devotion to our children,” Facinelli and Garth told Us Weekly. “We remain dedicated to raising our beautiful daughters together. We ask for privacy and respect during this time.”

They share three girls: Luca, 14, Lola, 9, and 5-year-old Fiona. The news comes on the heels of Facinelli’s Monday appearance on “The Hunger Games” red carpet with his eldest.

Facinelli will enjoy an anonymous summer before promoting the final “Twilight” installment, “Breaking Dawn — Part 2.” Garth is committed to a charitable outreach for children’s literacy, a book reading with Cheerio’s Spoonful of Stories, slated for mid-March.

While the news may come as a surprise to some, reports as early as last July had the pair on the rocks, living apart and trying to work out their differences.

This article can be read in its entirety at :  http://latimesblogs.latimes.com

As the holidays were upon me last year, I began perusing the internet for some good edible gift ideas and came across my new favorite YouTube channel, Noreen’s Kitchen!  Noreen had me at “hello” when I was able to recreate her fabulous coconut and brownie macaroons and I got rave reviews from my coworkers.  Over time, I found out that Noreen also lives in a blended family.  She, her husband Rick and her two daughters make it work!  I was intrigued by how all members of the family join Noreen in the kitchen, which I also feel is so important in bond building with families.  The kitchen being the center of the family, Noreen has it down pat!  With that, I had to interview Noreen.  TMF Readers, I hope you enjoy my interview with Noreen Lambert as much as I enjoyed chatting with her.  Not only do I now have a new cooking mentor, I’ve made a new friend in the process

Diane:  Noreen, let me begin by saying that I am so excited to have this conversation with you.  I have been a big fan of your YouTube channel, Noreen’s Kitchen, for some time now and thank you for allowing me the opportunity.

 Noreen:  Oh thank you Diane, I am extremely flattered that you would have me here.

 Diane:  Your YouTube channel is a fabulous outlet for women like me who aren’t experts in the kitchen but love to cook.  What inspired you to cook for an audience?

 Noreen:  I don’t have a great answer to that question, except that I wanted to do it.  I’ve been into making videos for the past 3 years now but before that I was just a viewer.  One night, I thought I would make a dinner.  At first, I wasn’t great at editing, I had to learn the learning curve, actually learned an awful lot.  I wanted people to come into my kitchen and feel like they are sitting at my kitchen table.

 Diane:   Growing up in a blended family and having a blended family currently, what is your perception of how a blended family should operate? 

 Noreen:  I think that I have two different ideas.  My father died when I was 10.  My mom remarried soon thereafter. My stepdad was my father’s very good friend.  However, I was daddy’s little girl, so the loss was very devastating for me.  I will admit, I was not easy to live with and I probably didn’t really accept him as my stepfather.  I didn’t disrespect him but I had a hatred for him until my early 20’s.  My family works because it works for us.  Everyone is different.  When I was growing up we didn’t have “blended family” we were told and were expected to be “just family.” 

Diane:   What do you think caused you to feel hatred?

Noreen:  Because he was replacing my father.  We, my brother and I had always known him as “Uncle Paul” and as soon as my mom and Paul came home from their honeymoon, I was told that  he was no longer to be called “Uncle Paul,” but either “Paul or Daddy.”  A giant paradigm shifted in my life.  If I call him Paul, I will upset my mom and if I call him dad, I am being disloyal to my  deceased father.  That was a lot of pressure.  Of course, every family has issues that have to be dealt with in one way or another, but sometimes its easier to brush them under the rug and hide them which only causes more pain.  I have a brother 5 years younger and he didn’t know we had a blended family because the “step” part of it was all he knew.  I, of course, had a different experience as I knew my father well, I was ten.  I was his little girl.  My brother had horrible guilt that he never knew our father.  As parents we all make mistakes and we can’t fix them but grow through them.  I never got permanent closure from losing my dad.  We just had to grow thru it. 

Diane:  How do you think these experiences have affected your parenting?

Noreen:  As a mother now, I am painfully honest with my children.  When I separated from their father, they were 2 and 4.  18 months later, Rick and I met and we finally married 3 years ago.  Rick has a daughter in Vegas and she dislikes me.  I know what she is going through as I went through the same situation.  She doesn’t accept me in that respect.  She is 14.  I never would have guessed that my stepdad would be a fabulous dad now but I got really lucky.  Every family has their dysfunction.  My kids accept Rick as their dad.    

 Diane:  Do you find that your belief system is a lot different than that of your parents when you were being raised in a stepfamily?  Is there anything you purposely do different?

 Noreen:   Very much so.  I do a lot of things different from my mom.  My mom is very “everything has to be planned.”  That doesn’t work for me.  Growing up, we had a living room that no one sat in, a dining room that no one ate in.  I am totally different.  We have to live for today and I want my kids to grab life by the “balls” and that they should try everything and realize that there is nothing in life that they can’t do whether they live in a blended family or not.   You have to pick your battles.

Diane:  What lessons did you take from your personal childhood experience that you may or may not want to bring into your current experience?

Noreen:  We are a team.   Our family growing up wasn’t a team.  Parents were parents and kids were kids.  In my house we play on the same team. 

Diane:  A lot of times, stepmoms feel the need to overcompensate or to be the “fixer of all things” for their husbands, stepchildren, children, etc.  What advice would you give people who are suffering from what I call “super stepmom syndrome?”

Noreen:  Its funny you should ask this.  I always feel guilty if I don’t make something better.  Being a woman in general we feel obligated that we have to make everyone happy all the time.  Society in general makes us feel this way.  When I am cooking on the videos, I always say “it doesn’t have to be perfect.”  I am by far not perfect but I think that the most important advice I can give is to “forgive yourself.”  Be easy on yourself.  We can only fix what we can fix.  I spent a lot of my life worrying about what I couldn’t fix.  The sun still comes tomorrow.  Tomorrow is another day.

Diane:  Those statements are extremely powerful and so true.  You speak my language Noreen.   As a stepmom, what do you think is the most important lesson you have learned through this journey?

Noreen:  That you just have to let things be.  She doesn’t have to like me.  It has to be organic.  You cannot put a seed in the ground and do nothing to it and expect it to produce a fruit.  You just can’t.  You have to let it happen naturally.  The bottom line is the seed gives me a guarantee that if I water it and take care of it, it is going to give me something back.  But you have to nurture it and feed it and work at it.  You don’t just have a relationship; you have to work at it.   People automatically think that just because their children, they don’t have to work at it.  They are still people.  Everyone has to work at relationships.  People discount children because they are children.  They have feelings. 

Diane:  You and Rick make a great team on camera as I am sure you do in your married life.  What impact has Rick had on your girls? 

Noreen:   He is very patient and very accepting.  Having been in the military for so long he knows how to delegate.  He never expected anything from them which goes back to that organic relationship.  It has grown from there.  Their relationship was never forced, it always happened on the kids terms and they were able to build trust in him.  How I was raised is “we are going to be a family whether you like it or not.”  That doesn’t work. 

Diane:  One thing I notice about you and Rick is that he is very involved in helping you with your YouTube channel (i.e., filming, commenting and even cooking from time to time).  I think it is wonderful that the two of you exhibit your “love and support” of one another the way you do. You laugh together and you make us laugh.  It’s very important in remarriage and in any relationship to nurture it.  Do you agree?

Noreen:   If I can be humorous,I think the greatest way to learn about how to have a good marriage is to screw one up!  My first marriage didn’t break up just because of my husband, we both played a role.  Nurturing your marriage is the most important lesson I can give people.  The first time around, it was very important for me to be right and for him to be right and now it doesn’t matter who’s right.  Your reward for hard work in your marriage is the reward of your good relationship. 

Diane:  To keep in line with tradition, I ask all of my interviewee’s this question.  What do you do for fun?

Noreen:   Go to Busch Gardens, Williamsburg, Virginia.  I also craft.  I love crafting.  Another past time, is that I love to play on the Wii.  I am also a movie and trivia junkie. 

Diane:  Noreen, it has been a real pleasure interviewing you and thank you for allowing Today’s Modern Family into your world.  We are doing our best to serve blended families and we love to acknowledge great, successful blended families when we get the chance!  Thank you for stopping by and letting me pick your brain not just on the issue of stepfamilies, but with regard to my favorite pastime – cooking and baking.

Noreen:  You’re so very welcome Diane.  I very much enjoyed our time together and thank you for having me.

Noreen Lambert is a wife, mom, stepmom and homemaker who loves to cook.  You can find Noreen’s channel on YouTube with the tag name of atticus9799 and at www.noreenskitchen.com. 

Along with yearning for the nostalgia of yesteryear finding vintage pieces is like finding hidden treasure.  Finding beautiful pieces with tags still attached – oh I just felt my blood pressure rise – such a rush!!  Even if I don’t buy it for myself there is no way I’m leaving an incredible vintage find behind – I know someone who would look awesome in it or I will use it for a photo shoot before I walk away from something so fantastic!

For one, things were just made better in certain eras than they are now.  The material may not have been wonderful (polyester I’m talking to you) but the craftsmanship was impeccable.  Things that were less expensive and not considered couture at the time were even made better than today.

 I have searched through many definitions of “vintage clothing” and the most common theme seems to be as About.com defines it:  “The term vintage is used to describe clothing between 20 and 100* years old which is clearly representative of the era in which it was produced. Vintage clothing can be used, new (from dead stock), manufactured, and handmade. It is important to understand that the definition of vintage is fluid, so every decade brings forth new items as “vintage”. It is also important to understand that all vintage will eventually become antique.  *Clothing 100 years old or more is classified as antique” Something to think about when consciously going out to search for a vintage piece or pieces.

Doing vintage is fun and adds to your own personal style.  I talk a lot about personal style but it is important to express yourself through what you wear and how you wear it.  It is an outward expression of what’s going on inside – some days that’s good and some days not so good – but nevertheless it’s the truth.

I view vintage as I do a trend.  Meaning that I wouldn’t do a trend from head to toe – I strategically mix and match it and several pieces throughout my wardrobe or outfit.  If you find an awesome vintage dress then mix it with some sky high platforms to make it modern.  If you layer yourself in vintage jewelry like pearls and rhinestones, then wear it with a white tank top and denim and, again, a hot shoe, to offset the fanciness of the jewelry.  The trick to “doing vintage” is to do a piece here and do a piece there.  If done all at once it can look as though your grandmother’s (or great-grandmother’s) closet imploded all on one person and we don’t want that (unless you are doing a period piece in the theaterJ.)

 It is also important to do your research.  In the age of smart phones and tablets it makes it easier to find out on the spot if the deal you think you’re getting at the thrift store is truly a bargain.  If I come across a label I am unfamiliar with I will do a search right there in the store – sometimes it’s good and sometimes not but it is important to be informed.  If there is a dress that isn’t a popular name but I really love it and it’s $5.00 then I go for it and tweak it to my own personal taste.  That’s the beauty of it – you buy something for $5.00 and make it look like $500 and no one is the wiser.  It’s all in how you carry yourself and the confidence you exude in anything you wear.

Let’s recap:

• Do vintage in moderation – a piece here and a piece there
• Make vintage modern by pairing it with classic pieces of today (denim, platform shoes, blazers, that little black dress, or the classic white oxford)
• Have fun when picking out pieces.  It’s easier to try something if it costs $5.00 than if it costs $100.00 so go for it!
• There are no rules when it comes to your personal style.
• Do your research – look up unknown labels or fashion houses just so you know what you are buying – especially when it comes to high end couture vintage pieces (e.g. Dior, Chanel, Yves Saint Laurent, etc.)

Vintage pieces can be found just about anywhere:  Goodwill , Salvation Army, your local thrift shop, your family’s closets, your friends’ family’s closets, and garage and estate sales.  There are also some companies who have made upscale vintage their livelihood and only sell high end designers and fashion houses for a pretty penny but they are worth every cent! 

I’ll leave you with a few of my favorite links:

DECADES

Shrimpton Couture

Vintage Vogue by Goodwill

ERAS by ADSH

FabSugar:  Guest Blogger Rachel Zoe – How To:  Shop AND Wear Vintage

Live life well and ENJOY!!

Julia Rutland is the Founder and Owner of Aesthetic Design Style House located in Indianapolis, Indiana.  For more information about Julia, her company and the services she has to offer, please visit her website at: www.aestheticdesignstyle.com.

Clients ask me questions related to the above all of the time.   The fact remains that you don’t just fall “out” of love by chance.  Not focusing on solutions to problems as they arise causes friction, which if ignored causes tremors, which if still ignored causes earthquakes. It’s a simple trickle-down effect.  Instead of addressing feelings and concerns like loss of power in the relationship, feelings of inadequacy and rejection in the family, they decide that unequivocally they must have picked the wrong person and they are no longer in love with their spouse when in actuality their love is strong, but one or both parties have allowed the issues to take over their marriage.

Another reason blended family spouses have such trouble is because of their expectations having not been met.  High expectations that their families are going to turn into the “Brady Bunch” the day the marriage license is signed is a recipe for disaster.  Mix in a little disrespect from their stepchild here and there or the ex-wife calling for something menial, then “there goes the marriage!”  Learning to deal with these issues on the forefront (i.e., pre-marital blended family counseling) can help rectify these situations before they occur or at least help you to not make mountains out of molehills.

In the beginning of any good relationship, chemistry with your significant other is usually going hog-wild.  Well, as we all know too well, chemistry never lasts forever.  Chemistry contributes to the relationship but it doesn’t make your relationship last.  Love sustains it and keeps it going.  Being in love means making a commitment to work through whatever needs to be worked on. Being in love means putting your (re)marriage first and supporting it and each other.  It means spending time on it and not pushing it aside for anyone or anything and that includes your children together and apart, work and friends.  Unfortunately, all too often, this is the hardest task of them all.  Finding time to spend together is relatively a key ingredient to a successful, long-lasting relationship.

All successful (re)marriages have common denominators.  Trust, honesty, love, support and forgiveness.  If you are feeling having the falling “out” of love blues, ask yourselves these questions:

1. What is the cause for my feelings?  Assess the situation as a whole.  Take some time to really scour your thoughts.  Is something else causing you to feel this way (i.e., stress, anxiety, depression, work stress, friend stress, etc.)
2. Do my feelings on the subject change from day-to-day?
3. Are the blended family issues that aren’t being resolved adding to my feelings?

As human beings we are geared to focus more on the negative attributes of any situation.  After you have had the chance to ask yourself the above questions, take stock in the following tips to help you get through answering them:

1. Make a list of all the good things you fell in love with about your spouse and write out your love story.  Just putting those thoughts on paper and reading them will help you tremendously.  Encourage your spouse to do the same and read them together.
2. Look into a couples retreat.  This is a great way to spend time together while at the same time getting some much needed education.
3. Enlist the help of a certified stepfamily coach to work up a Co-Parenting Plan that helps your family navigate.  It’s OK to ask or help.  Call me, I would love to help!
4. Stop focusing so much on the problems and give your attention to the solutions.
5. Don’t temporarily bandage the issues by sweeping them under the rug and pretending they are fixed.  I promise you, they will arise as more than a scratched surface but a full-blown injury.
6. Your friends don’t know the value of your relationship.  Keep your relationship between you and your spouse.
7. Talk, talk, talk!  Communication is key!  Keep talking to your spouse.  Let them know they matter to you and what they have to say, whether you agree or not, matters to you.
8. Limit your expectations.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.  The Brady Bunch had great writers narrating the story of their lives.  Blended families and remarriage is tough to conquer but think of your commitments and actions as small investments toward your eventual success.
9. Have compassion.  Honor your spouses difference in opinion.  You can disagree with while at the same time still honoring it with understanding.  Compassion in the blended family and in remarriage will take you a long way.
10. Support your spouse unconditionally.  Again, you don’t have to agree on every issue, but support their decisions and let them know you will not judge them.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane