A Step-parent’s Role

One of the best books that I have read is “The Courage to be a Stepmom” by Sue Patton Theole. I have read through the chapters so many times, the bind is worn and the pages are all marked up. Ms. Theole’s book teaches us how to find our place without losing ourselves as stepparents.

Are you a step-parent that wonders what exactly your role is in your step-child’s life? It is a given that there is no replacing a child’s biological parent unless of course there are extenuating circumstances. Albeit, endearing yourself to your step-children takes time and lots of patience. While some stepparents find their experience easy and extremely rewarding, for others, step-parenting is not exactly a walk in the park. A lot of the time, a step-parent feels like a substitute teacher – and we all know how we treated our substitute teachers at times.

Stepfathers often get a bad rap from their stepchildren because they are the new head of household in the daily lives of the children and the children resent him when he sets or takes the position of authority in their daily routine. On the other hand, stepmother’s have the most under-appreciated role altogether. The word “mother” is a holy word in our vocabulary. It is sacred. Therefore, it is hard for a stepmom to be appreciated by her stepchildren (due to loyalty binds) and definitely by the ex-wife even though in the absence of the ex-wife, the stepmom is usually the primary caretaker of her children.

Just as every parent makes mistakes rearing their children, step-parents are not exempt. Luckily, the mistakes that are made during the process frequently become the best learning experiences. It is our ability to make right those mistakes with our stepchildren and children for that matter, to apologize when our mistakes are not constructive to their needs, and to learn from them so that history doesn’t repeat itself.

With that being said, with your role as a step-parent during the first years of your marriage or remarriage, you should allow your step-children to make the invitation to you with regard to your relationship with them. Don’t force yourself upon them. Trying to be too much too soon to your stepchildren can often have the opposite effect you are trying to create. It may turn them off completely from you. Of course, you should always do what is normal for all parents (i.e., readily engaging them in conversation when they are with you, including them in your family activities, showing interest in their school work and activities, etc.). Allowing your stepchildren to cultivate their own impression and view of you and your relationship first, is crucial. As I have said in previous posts, titles mean nothing, relationships mean everything. Of course, once the relationship blossoms, it is your job to nurture it. Remember, your stepchildren are just that, children. Keep in mind that there may be times when your stepchild’s view might possibly become tainted by one of their parents (especially if there are issues within your blended family) but if you stay consistent with your relationship with them and continue to provide honest and open communication with them, then you have done your part. However, sometimes as stepparents, we have to purposely step aside, not from our spouses, but from whatever issue (i.e., our stepchildren themselves or the situation with the bio parent) is causing us and our stepchildren discomfort. This is called stepping out of the middle.

As the stepparent, you have to enforce the rules of your house at all times. Never allow your step-children (or children for that matter) to push the limits in your household. If there are rules that you simply cannot live without, as Ms. Theole says, it is perfectly fine for you to go to bat for it. Chances are, everyone can conform. They may balk at first, but they will get over it.

Women, more so than men, view connections between people more emotionally. We tend to get “fully invested” before we are “fully-vested” in the eyes of our step-children because we thrive on family, trust, love and compassion. We also get hurt more easily, especially when we don’t have realistic expectations. On the other hand, men tend to “step out” emotionally and forget at times that their stepchildren need to feel that they care about them. Men generally think actions speak for them all of the time (i.e., going to work every day, etc.). Men, your stepchildren need to be showed and told that they are loved with words. If you have stepchildren that you just don’t think you will ever connect with, I encourage you to view each one of them as a surprise special present. When we get a special, surprise gift, we become excited about what is in store for us. Viewing your stepchildren the same way will allow you to value the happy times and get through the bad times.

Peace & Blessings,
Di