When Counseling Doesn’t Work

Almost every time a couple comes to us for stepfamily counseling one or both parties have their bags packed and are ready to head for the hills.  Often times, they’ve tried to make it work either by just sticking it out, duking it out or visiting a traditional therapist. When they get to us they are frustrated because they  think they’ve exhausted all their options and feel as if nothing else will work. But Diane and I try to assure them that if they are giving us a call or sending an email to inquire about counseling and both parties are willing to come to us, then all is definitely not lost. It means that although one or both of them may THINK it won’t work doesn’t mean that they don’t want it to. We know that if we get them when both parties are willing to go through with counseling by actually applying the advice that we give, we can get them back on the right track, and have a 100% success rate with doing so.

That being said, there are times when counseling doesn’t work and for various reasons. First off, we live in a day and age when people expect instant results. They want to take a pill to lose weight, make a delicious meal in 30 minutes, have instant financial transactions and want everything with the touch of a button. These people think that they should be all “fixed” after 2 or 3 sessions and if they aren’t “fixed” by then, they give up. The problem with this type of thinking is that counseling is more of a marathon than a sprint. It takes longer to get to the finish line and you may get exhausted and frustrated along the way, but eventually you get there as long as you finish the race.

Another reason counseling doesn’t work is because couples may get the advice but when they leave the session, they refuse to apply it to their lives. What they don’t realize is that the advice alone will not work. Yes, you are better informed when you leave but the point is to apply that advice so that you are both informed and taking steps to heal your marriage and family. It doesn’t work if you only take half of the medicine. For example, when a doctor prescribes an antibiotic, he tells you to take the medicine until it’s gone or your illness will return. Counseling is no different. If you only go to one or two sessions and then go home and refuse to take the medicine, your problems will continue.

It’s also important to choose the right counselor if you want counseling to work! Not all counselors are qualified to deal with stepfamily issues. It is the reason that many couples feel like counseling doesn’t work when they’ve gone to a traditional marriage and family therapist. Academic credentials alone doesn’t mean that he or she is qualified. Interview your therapist ahead of time. Make sure he or she is not only academically trained but also has personal experience dealing with stepfamily issues. It means that he or she has also applied what they’ve learned to their own marriage and family and can therefore tell you what works and what doesn’t.

Overall, it’s important to realize that counseling is not a magical answer. When we sit down with you, we can’t snap our fingers and make it all go away in one session. We are there to give you helpful advice but you have to do the work. We then guide you as you apply that advice individually and collectively. Just remember that as long as you apply the knowledge that your coach gives you and finish the race, you will come out a winner.

Helping Children Develop Healthy Lifestyles and Body Images

Recently, a reader emailed a question that he had about his 11 year old step-daughter. He said that he and his wife were concerned about her weight, and fear that she might develop issues with her body image. Below is how I responded.

Kela’s response: Many parents have concerns about their child’s weight and body image, whether boys or girls, nowadays. It doesn’t help that our society has created inactive children who are prone to be overweight because of video games and television. When I was kid we had cartoons on Saturdays and the Atari, which came with like 3 or 4 built in games. We didn’t have Disney Channel 1 -35, 20 different forms of Nickolodeon and 35 different forms of Cartoon Network. We also didn’t have Wiis, XBox 360′s, PsP’s, Nintendo Ds’s, Ps3′s, etc. As such, it was normal for my brother and I to stay outside from sun up to sun down, and even when it snowed we were out building snowmen and making angels in the snow. Our generation was WAY more active.

Today’s generation is not only inactive, but they are also plagued with other stress that affects their eating habits. For example, children of divorce may be more apt to turn to food as a means of control. They may feel like they can’t control anything else that’s going on in their world, but what they do have control over is what they put in their mouths. As such, it may seem like they are overeating because they are eating all the time. The good news is that parents don’t have to sit back and watch it happen, and more importantly, can monitor the situation while teaching their children to be more in control of their choices by offering healthier choices and making lifestyle changes as a family.

You have to be really sensitive with your approach when it comes to talking to young girls and boys about their weight. My suggestion would be to not even broach the subject of weight. Kids are way too sensitive at the teens/tweens age and you might create some future body image issues. What I tell parents and have done myself, is approach it from a health standpoint. Emphasize how important it is to make healthy eating choices, and how important it is to do something active everyday. For example, I love the Wii Fit! Because it’s a video game format, it appeals to children. I encourage (okay I make) my son do 30 minutes on the Wii Fit each day. He isn’t an overweight kid or anything, but I noticed that he was choosing the wrong foods and not being as active as I would have liked, years ago. Daily exercise also release some powerful endorphins, which can help to relieve any stress that children might be experiencing.

The next thing I did was talk about his eating habits. We have a history of diabetes in our family, so I approached it from that angle; telling him how important it was to make healthy choices now, so he doesn’t have to deal with the disease that his grandpa passed away from and his uncle is dealing with now, in the future. I then realized how important it was for my husband and I to LEAD BY EXAMPLE! To this day, we keep a limited amount of junk food in our cupboards; usually healthy chips and popcorn. We don’t keep candy bars and snack cakes, or anything like that. So, when he does sneak something, it’s healthy and he can’t sneak a lot because we don’t keep a lot in the house. We have replaced junk food with healthy choices like fruit, nuts and chex mix. We have changed our lifestyle as a family; opting to go roller skating instead of going to the movies, as well as having Wii Fit challenges as a family. This overall lifestyle change has done wonders for not only our son, but our family as a whole.

It’s also important for parents not to worry too much about their child’s weight. As children grow, their bodies go through MANY different transitions. At some points they may be heavier and at others, thin as a rail. What’s most important is that you focus on healthy living, including healthy eating habits and regular exercise.

What about you? How do you encourage healthy lifestyle habits without talking about weight? Help this reader out.

Mother or Monster-in-law

Ahhhh, yes, the Mother-In-Law. To some this title brings up a negative connotation. To others it brings up very positive feelings. Unlike your own parents, who you are stuck with whether you like them or not, you sort of have a choice, per say, when it comes to your Mother-In-Law.

Overbearing, nosy, controlling, set in her ways, rude, etc. are just some words I have heard many describe their Mother-In-Laws. Unfortunately, people have a very hard time accepting their spouses’ mother into their family and vice versa. You think when you find “the one” and get married that it is all happy times from there on out. It should be but there are so many factors that go into a marriage and into getting along with your Mother-In-Law.

We all choose our partners, so in a way we are choosing their families as well. There are parts of us (good or bad) that do reflect the people who raised us. As the choosing partner we have the choice to accept or decline the relationship based on many factors – one being how our potential partner interacts with their own family and what type of relationship they have with them. My mother always used to say to me that you can tell a lot about a man from how he treats his mother. This was a very useful tool throughout my dating years and I even escaped a few bums because of it.

I happen to be one of the lucky ones. I actually not only LIKE my Mother-In-Law but I truly love her. It has now been 11 years that I have been around, and 6 years that I’ve been married to her son. Our families are completely different and my husband and I were raised completely different as well. Yet, I am very close to my Mother-In-Law and I’ve learned a lot from her. Do I agree with her all the time? No. And she doesn’t always agree with me, but we still love each other.

There are some FACTS that you will always have to contend with in regards to your Mother-In-Law and they are as follows:
• She will always be the mother of your spouse
• She isn’t going anywhere
• If you have children she will always be their grandmother with rights
• She is your elder and should be treated in that manner

Some FACTS that your Mother-In-Law needs to know about you and your family:
• Her child married YOU and YOU are now in charge of your home and your children.
• There are boundaries that need to be set as in any relationship.
• You don’t have to disclose every single teeny tiny thing with her no matter how much she believes she is entitled.

There are many relationships between spouses and their In-Laws which are strained. The most important virtue to try and instill is mutual respect. You don’t always have to like what your Mother-In-Law does and she doesn’t have to like what you do or how you raise your children. BUT, you do have to agree to disagree and give one another mutual respect. Of course all situations are completely unique, and mutual respect only goes so far. If one or both parties feel that their families are in jeopardy due to negative feelings or negative actions from either party then professional help should be sought.

In most cases stepping back and analyzing why we feel a certain way and getting our words and thoughts together THEN having an adult discussion with that person usually helps to dissipate negativity and clear the air. It also assists in setting those boundaries which are so very important within your family.

Just remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

The mother-in-law in the modern family can be especially difficult to deal with for a variety of reasons.  Do you feel she likes the ex more than you? Does she come to your house bearing gifts for her biological grandchildren and not her step grandchildren? These are just some of the complaints that many voice.  What about you, BFSO readers? How well do you get along with your mother or monster-in-law? Drop a comment in the comment section.

Ex-wives, what your child’s stepmother wants you to know

The ever so intelligent and outspoken author, Wednesday Martin, recently did a guest post on www.noonesthebitch.com. The post was a letter to ex-wives, telling them what their child’s stepmother wants them to know. With Wednesday’s permission, I have re-posted it below. Please let us know what you think.

It’s not easy to feel judged and misunderstood

You likely feel, especially if you’re unpartnered, that the deck is stacked against you, that it’s me and your ex against you. From my perspective, I’m perceived as a wicked stepmother and a homewrecker even when I’m not, no matter how hard I try and how nice I am. Being the fall guy when I’m trying so hard takes a toll on me. And while you might feel shut out, I wrestle with the knowledge that I’m not and never will be “first.” We’re both struggling, you and I.

Your child isn’t perfect

Do you find yourself thinking of me as a rigid control freak? Too harsh or strict toward your kids? If that’s the case, ask yourself what role you and your ex may play here by being permissive, indulgent parents post-divorce. I might have to tow the line in my home because you two are afraid to, or can’t be bothered, or feel too guilty to parent effectively, since you “put the kids through a divorce.”

Have you told your kids it’s okay to like me, let them know it’s imperative to at least be civil and polite to me? Or do you secretly like that they don’t like their stepmom, that they’re disrespectful and rude, even hostile, toward me? Does that arrangement make you feel better, more secure?

What am I up against here that’s any harder than what you’re up against? you’re wondering. For starters, kids of any age resent getting a stepmom way more than they resent getting a stepdad. For a long time, too. And while plenty of kids of divorce do just fine, they are twice as likely to have serious emotional and social problems as kids from intact homes. Remember that when it comes to adolescence, I don’t have the foundation you and your husband do to tolerate all the drama, sullenness, and more. At some point, if your kids are rude to me and I am rebuffed enough, I may withdraw to preserve my dignity. Think about that next time you’re about to tell a friend that I’m “cold” to your kids.

I don’t want to be friends with you, do holidays together, or vacation together

And I’m a little tired of all the pressure I’m feeling from people who haven’t a clue that I “should” want to do, and be doing, just that. We can have a parenting coalition that works. I welcome that, and I welcome civility and friendliness. But if I’m like most women with stepkids, it just doesn’t feel appropriate to me to be close to you. My loyalty is to my husband. I want to get stepmothering right for his sake. Beyond that, I don’t want to feel pressured to be pals with you. I already have pals. So please don’t take offense that I’d like us to be friendly enough, but not necessarily friends.

I don’t love your kids just like my own, just like they don’t love me like they love you!

There’s way too much pressure on women with stepkids to “draw no distinctions” between their own kids and their stepkids. And it flies in the face not only of research findings about what stepfamily “success” actually is, but common sense as well. I might really like your kids, love them even and come to feel extremely close to them one day. But I might not.  Can you blame me, given all the stepmother hatred out there, and given the very real fact of kids resenting getting a stepmother? There’s a whole range of “normal” here, a whole spectrum of stepmother involvement. They have you and their dad. So please, don’t expect me to “love them just as if they’re my own” while also expecting me to follow the sacred directive, “Don’t ever try to replace their mom.” Especially if I have my own kids, as likeable and great as your kids are, they’re not mine, I’m not theirs, and it’s okay for me to just be a supportive ally.

I’m not your husband’s “new wife.” I’m his wife. You’re his ex-wife.

It’s that simple. When you ask him to do chores, come over for dinner or do holidays at your place “for the kids’ sake,” you’re being disrespectful of our partnership. Yes, you are. Please respect my marriage and have healthy boundaries. This includes not putting your ex in-laws in a loyalty bind or using the kids as leverage (“You won’t see your grandkids if you spend time over there with your son and his new wife”).

I promise to play nice if you do.

Most women with stepkids really want to get it right, and try very hard in the face of significant challenges. Getting along would be the best outcome for everyone. I know that, and so do you.

About Wednesday Martin

Wednesday Martin is the author of the highly recommended and surprisingly honest book, Stepmonster. In it, she tells the truth about being a stepmom, backed by solid research and personal experiences. Wednesday Martin has worked as writer and social researcher in New York City for almost two decades. She has been a stepmother for nine years and lives in New York City with her husband and their two sons. Please visit www.wednesdaymartin.com to learn more.

Can divorced parents be friends?

I was at the gym the other day and happened to see a woman and a man that I know are divorced. My husband just finished coaching their son and he would often bring his fiance to the games. So imagine my surprise when I saw them walk in and work out together. It sparked a very important question and one that I am acutally asked quite often; can or should you be friends with your ex-spouse? My answer is always that each situation is different. Sometimes it’s healthy, but sometimes it’s harmful!

There are many factors that should be considered when continuing or forming a friendship (not just being friendly) with your ex-spouse. For starters, it could raise a host of trust and jealousy issues between you and your current spouse. Secondly, one must consider their motivation for wanting to be friends with his or her ex-spouse. Is it because you sincerely want to be better parents or because you’re just afraid of letting go? Do you desire to make his or her current partner jealous or is it a true friendship that you share with your ex-spouse? These are all questions that you should ask yourself about your friendship with your ex-spouse.

Be advised that the appropriate boundaries must be drawn in order to maintain a friendship with the ex. An outside observer of your relationships should be able to tell which one is the current and which one is the ex. As such, you should never be more honest with your ex-spouse than your current partner; discussing feelings of intimacy, problems with your current relationship, etc. Additionally, if you find yourself turning to your ex-spouse for advice or help rather than your current spouse, then it is likely that your friendship with your ex-spouse is unhealthy. It is also important that your current spouse be comfortable with your friendship with your ex. If you are constantly fighting with your current spouse about your friendship with your ex, then you need t consider which relationship is most important to you.

My husband’s ex-wife wanted very much to be “friends” with my husband however; she crossed the line on many occasions. She called him late at night, turned to him for EVERY problem that she had even though she had a long time boyfriend at the time. Additionally, she would call my house and not even say, “hi, how are you?” These types of actions are not only unhealthy, but disrespectul to the current spouse or girlfriend.

On the other hand, if you and your ex-spouse share a genuine friendship that is guided by healthy boundaries, then I don’t see why you can’t be friends. For example, if your ex-spouse respects your current relationship and can be friends with you BOTH, then it’s a healthy friendship that you share.  Additionally, neither of you should have a hidden agenda; whether it’s making the current spouse jealous or one of you still have strong feelings for the other.

My ex and I had a friendship when we were both single. We talked on the phone, had dinner together, helped each other in our time of need, but it stopped when he remarried. I would NEVER disrespect his current spouse in that manner or make her feel uncomfortable with our friendship. The only way I would ever allow our friendship to continue is if we could ALL be friends with each other; me, my husband, my ex and his wife. There is no reason why I need to share a relationship, other than co-parenting, with my ex that is independent of my marriage.

Overall, you should know that these types of genuine friendships between divorced parents rarely exist. Usually, it’s a situation where one or the other just can’t let go and that can be detrimental to all of your relationships that follow the one you shared with your ex-spouse. As such, it’s crucial  that you understand when it is healthy and how to maintain a friendship with your ex AND you BOTH must be on the same page in order for it to work. Establish the appropriate boundaries, make sure that your ex-spouse doesn’t still have feelings for you and consider your own motivation for wanting to be friends with your ex.

What about you BFSO readers? Are any of you still friends with your ex-spouse?

An Ex-Wife’s Perspective

Where do I begin, with how bad I feel for the women out there who have this family drama in their lives? As women, we need to stick together and build each other up or no one else will. Men are wonderful companions, but there is nothing like the true friendship of another woman. We understand where each other is coming from and our feelings come from a place of sincerity and love. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband but there are just some instances when my girlfriend can give me a better perspective on the situation.

In my case, my best friend is my daughter’s step-mother. Yes, that means my ex-husband’s wife! I have been blessed to have this woman in my life and in the life of my daughter. There comes a time in your life when you have to realize, as hard as it is, that it is not always about YOU. It is about your children. My ex-husband and I had been divorced for about 5 years before I got re-married and he did as well. He and I have had our differences (obviously because we are divorced), but in the end it all comes down to what is best for our daughter. I do have to say our choices of spouses fit us both much better and make each of our homes better for her.

The friendship I have with my daughter’s step-mother is unusual and we get plenty of questions and looks and confusion abounds. “How can you be friends with someone who is married to your ex?” is an obvious one. My answer is that it is easy to be her friend. She is such a wonderful person, who would want to miss out on an opportunity to have friendship and support in their lives just because of who they are married to? Another answer to that question is that I have no romantic or emotional feelings for my ex-husband. Most of the problems women have in these types of scenarios is that they are in some way still attached or want to be with their ex. Some will never admit it but it comes out one way or another. And, one way it does rear its ugly head is in the form of jealousy. That is why some women are unable to be friends or even have a civil conversation with the other woman involved, be it a girlfriend or second wife.

I remember trying to find a minister or pastor to marry my current husband and I. I belonged to a church but he didn’t and he didn’t agree with my pastor and so on. So I was on the hunt for someone to marry us. I had an appointment at this one church to speak with the pastor. Little did I know they had a policy that you had to have counseling before they would begin to speak with you about getting married—counseling for those who had been divorced that is. So, I sat and listened and answered all of the Pastor’s questions politely while thinking to myself the whole time, “what does this have to do with me getting married a second time?” At the end of the session he says to me “I believe from all you have told me that you are completely over your ex-husband. I would be happy to be a part of your ceremony this time around”. Again I was thinking what is going on? Of course I was over my ex-husband. I love my husband now more than ever. My point to this story is that sometimes it takes another perspective for you to realize the truth about yourself. Your truth may come to be different than mine. You may find you have unresolved feelings for your ex and that is why you feel bitterness, resentment, anger, etc. for him and for his new wife or girlfriend. Just food for thought.

At any rate, I truly don’t know what I would do without her in my life. The positives far outweigh the negatives (if any) in our friendship. How nice it is for me to never worry about my daughter when she is over at her dad’s? I know if she can’t be with me, that my best friend is there to take care of her. There was a time when my ex-husband wasn’t married and if he had my daughter for the weekend, I did not sleep—at all—until my baby came home Sunday night. Not only does my best friend love my daughter I share with my ex-husband but she loves all three of my girls. They both do! My two little ones go over to their house and play and they baby sit for my husband and I. Again, I trust them both with my most precious gifts—my girls. My girls love them too and they only see the positive side of our situation. They don’t yet understand divorce and that my oldest daughter has a different dad. They look at it as my oldest has two dads and two moms—how great is that?

Soccer games, parent/teacher conferences, school plays, graduations, etc. get crowded with all of us, but I believe that people who think we are strange, don’t understand how much we are helping our kids. On Father’s Day we have made it a tradition that we all spend it together so no one has to choose between anyone. My daughter loves and adores her father and my husband has never tried to take his place. She is one to not want to hurt anyone’s feelings and my husband has loved her like his own from day one. Mother’s Day, we split too. No one is threatened, no one is jealous because we all are secure and confident in ourselves, our children, and our situation. My husband and my ex-husband play basketball and X-box together, too.

On top of this, my best friend has three boys she bravely raised on her own before she met her husband. Her youngest son never knew his biological father and my ex-husband has raised him as his own and we respect him for stepping up to take that role seriously. I love all of her boys too. We share birthdays, holidays, school events, births, deaths, etc. all together. How can that ever be a bad or weird thing? The more support and love you have in your life the richer your life will be.

Blended Family Discipline

Blending a family isn’t easy and it can present a unique set of challenges when discipline is concerned. Co-parenting requires not only cooperation between the responsible parents, but it also requires consistent discipline. Often times even biological parents will have differing views when it comes to disciplining their child. But, these differences are usually magnified times 10 within the blended family unit. They can sometimes destroy a marriage, if they aren’t properly dealt with from the beginning.

*Co-Parenting means that with one another, together, both parents should parent all the children in the household.

Initially, I would suggest that the primary role of disciplinarian be awarded to the biological parent. Keep in mind that the child has had years of dealing with one parent’s approach to discipline and will need time to adjust. Therefore, issues such as: room cleaning, bed times, homework time, curfews, etc., should be left up to his/her biological parent. Having said that, there are certain behaviors that should not be tolerated by either parent, from the very beginning. For example, if little Tiffany is mouthing off, rolling eyes, talking back or being plain old disrespectful, her stepfather shouldn’t have to wait until her mother gets home before reprimanding her. If she was doing this at school or anywhere else that respect for adults and authority figures is expected, there would be consequences. And, that teacher would not wait until mom or dad showed up to enforce those consequences. As stated in my other articles, “it is essential that you demand the same positive behavior that the child had prior to the divorce.” Otherwise you will be giving the child an excuse (the divorce) to act out. She shouldn’t be allowed to be disrespectful because she doesn’t like her new stepparent and/or is still bitter about the divorce. The adults in the house should always retain their roles as adults and should never reverse those roles out of guilt.

At any rate, during the “grace period,” parents should develop a co-parenting policy that should help decrease conflict when it comes to discipline and other issues of the household. The policy should contain the following: bed times, homework time, dinner time, curfews, household chores, allowances, etc. It should also contain mutually agreed upon rules and consequences. This policy should be discussed, in depth, with each child of the household. This will ensure that each child knows what is expected of them and the consequences of broken rules. Therefore, it is essential that both parents stick to the policy at all times. In the blended family, you cannot rely on spontaneous reaction to the child’s behavior problem. This policy will also help you, as parents, present a unified front when it comes to discipline, thereby decreasing conflict between you when these issues arise.

More Tips

1. Don’t expect your step-child/ren to instantly love or even like you. Children need time to adjust to the loss (in a way) of a parent as well as a world that they have always known. Be respectful of their feelings and try to avoid forced relationships.
2. Keep parental conflict, disagreements and inconsistent discipline away from children. Being exposed to the above can cause emotional and behavioral problems. Children begin to think that they can do whatever they want. When this happens, they begin to implement their “divide and conquer” strategy by telling the other parent, grandparent, aunt, or whoever will listen, what the mean old stepparent did to them.
3. Always remain a parent and never reverse those roles out of guilt. Mostly moms have a difficult time with this one because they don’t want anybody scolding (even if necessary) their baby. As such, they will begin to make excuses like, “she just cursed you out because she’s hormonal.” When you make excuses for what you know to be bad, inappropriate and/or unacceptable behavior, you are no longer being the parent.
4. Don’t try to replace the child/ren’s biological parent. Although it may be difficult at times, children need to have their relationships with their biological parents supported by you. You are to act as an additional parental figure, but not attempt to totally replace the other parent.
5. NEVER EVER allow any and everybody to come in and discipline your child/ren! Matters of discipline should only be entertained by individuals who you will be in a committed marital relationship with. Doing anything else will be creating an unstable environment for your child/ren. That person may not even be around tomorrow. This will not only help to build resentment towards you, but for any future mate whom you do decide to actually tie the knot with.
6. Before you even think about allowing someone else to step in and co-parent with you, ask yourself these questions:
   

• What kind of expectations do you and your potential spouse have of each other?
• How do you view each others’ roles in your new family?
• How will decisions, regarding your family, be made?

Finally, don’t take everything too personally, and don’t always assume that your child’s behavior issues are due to your new blended family. I often made this mistake myself, but I’ve learned that children are going to be children. Just because your child stomps out of the room acting as if you tore his or her whole world a part, doesn’t mean that they literally feel that way. It also doesn’t mean it’s because you remarried. My parents were married for nearly 30 years prior to my father’s passing, and they were both my biological parents. Yet, I can remember stomping out of the room; saying (to myself) I hate you; and feeling like they were both so unfair when consequences were enforced. As such, be mindful that these things would likely happen if you were married to your child’s biological parent, and don’t beat yourself up about it. Remember, that your job as parents is to attempt to raise responsible adults. It is not about getting them to approve of all of your choices.