Divorce and Befriending Your Child

In the 21^st century it has become all too common for parents to be more of a friend to their child than their parent.  Some parents are more worried about their children’s peers labeling them as the “uncool parent” that they go to extraordinary lengths to befriend them.  In today’s society, teenage pregnancy is running amuck. The statistics for STD rates among teens and even tweens are growing at an enormous rate, and parents have to take some responsibility for these issues along with the children involved.  Parents are not parenting.  Instead, they are actually confiding and befriending them to the point that it has become harmful to their well-being.  Children and parents of divorced families tend to experience this issue more than traditional families.  I have talked to many parents (mostly women) who confide in their daughters and sons about everything from the dirty details of their divorces to the child support payment options.  It’s utterly ridiculous.  Children need their parents to be parents and need boundaries, they do not need friendships with their parents that border harmful behavior.

For example, I recently read a news story about a parent who even allowed their underage teen to throw a party for other underage teens and even provided alcohol for the teens because it was their belief that the teens would be safer drinking it at their home under their supervision.  Some of the teens then left the party and decided to throw small boulders off of an overpass into oncoming traffic, injuring and almost killing the motorists being subjected to such behavior.  When questioned by the police and given alcohol testing, they explained that they had been at a party at a friend’s home where the parent provided the alcohol.  The parent’s behavior in this situation not only teaches a bad example of parenting but inevitably hurt their child and other children involved in this situation.

As stated above, another situation that is not uncommon in the modern family is that of a parent who confides in his/her child about everything related to their divorce.  Usually, the non-custodial parent is on the receiving end of the chaos that this type of confusion can cause.  The other person harmed is the child.  Children do not need to know about all the pain your ex-spouse caused you.  They do not need to know how much child support he/she may or may not have paid.  They do not need to know all of their other parent’s personal business, their faults or their imperfections.  When one confides in a child about this type of information, while they think that they are securing their place in their child’s life, they are really only accomplishing the exact opposite.  A lot of the times, these types of parents will allow their children to see them frequently cry so that they (the children) will feel responsible for their parent’s happiness.  In essence, they are making their child feel guilty, insecure and unworthy because no matter what that other parent has done or not done, the child shared between them is a part of both of them.  Does a parent do this on purpose one might ask?  I don’t think that is always the case, however, I do feel that there are those few that do completely understand what they are doing.  They use their children.  The age old adage applies here, “children live and become a product of what they learn and the environment they live in” and not only do they become a product of the insecurity you are teaching them, they also become rebellious.  Hence, in the end, you have to try harder to be their parent because you have actually made them feel as if they are equal.

Remember, all of your feelings are okay – how you act upon those feelings are not.  Be a parent, not a friend.  When your children are grown, there will be plenty of time to be their parent and their friend.  BFSO readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this issue.  Do you think it’s okay to be your child’s friend?  Do you think it’s appropriate?  Or, is your stand that a parent is just that a parent and should remain firm in that role?  I invite your comments and dialogue.

Di