The Stepfamily Challenge by Gloria Lintermans

October 25, 2012 By

As most of you probably know, Gloria Lintermans is not just a popular syndicated columnist but a fabulous author and freelance writer.  Through my work, I have been lucky enough to come in contact with and learn from Gloria.  Therefore, I am sure you can understand how excited I was when I was afforded the opportunity to post the following article here on Today’s Modern Family.  I jumped at the chance.  Gloria is not only a guru in the realm of stepfamily education, she is one of my idols!  Anytime I have the opportunity to be educated through her writing, I indulge and I encourage you to do the same.  Enjoy!

THE STEPFAMILY CHALLENGE

As a step and biological Mom, and the author of a book on stepfamilies which included not only my own experience but research with stepfamily authorities and other stepfamilies, I am aware, all to often, of the high rate of divorce among these families.

One reason is that there are no understood guidelines for these families. Society tends to apply the rules of first marriages, while ignoring the complexities of stepfamilies.

A little clarification: In a stepfamily the child(ren) is of one co-parent; in a blended family, there are children from both co-parents; and, virtually all family members have recently experienced a primary relationship loss.

The Landmines

Three potential problem areas are: Financial burdens, Role ambiguity, and the Children’s Negative Feelings when they don’t want the new family to “work.”

Husbands sometimes feel caught between the often impossible demands of their former family and their present one. Some second wives also feel resentful about the amount of income that goes to the husband’s first wife and family.

Legally, the stepparent has no prescribed rights or duties, which may result in tension, compromise, and role ambiguity.

Another complication of role ambiguity is that society seems to expect acquired parents and children to instantly love each other.

In reality, this is often just not the case.

The third reason for a difficult stepparent-child relationship might be that a child does not want this marriage to work, and so, acts out with hostility, since children commonly harbor fantasies that their biological parents will reunite. Stepchildren can prove hostile adversaries, and this is especially true for adolescents.

Stepmother Anxiety

Clinicians say that the role of stepmother is more difficult than that of stepfather, because stepmother families may more often be born of difficult custody battles and/or particularly troubled family relations. Society is also contradictory in expecting loving relationships between stepmothers and children while, at the same time, portraying stepmothers as cruel and even abusive (Snow White, Cinderella, and Hansel and Gretel are just a few bedtimestories we are all familiar with).

Stepfather Anxiety

Men who marry women with children come to their new responsibilities with a mixed bag of emotions, far different from those that make a man assume responsibility for his biological children. A new husband might react to an “instant” family with feelings which range from admiration to fright to contempt.

The hidden agenda is one of the first difficulties a stepfather runs into: The mother or her children, or both, may have expectations about what he will do, but may not give him a clear picture of what those expectations are. The husband may also have a hidden agenda.

A part of the stepchildren’s hidden agenda is the extent to which they will let the husband play father.

The key is for everyone to work together.

The husband, wife, their stepchildren, and their non-custodial biological parent can all negotiate new ways of doing things by taking to heart and incorporating the information you are about to learn—the most positive alternative for everyone.

One Day at a Time

Now you have a pretty good feel for what everyone is going through. How do you start to make it better — a process that can take years? First you must be very clear about what you want and expect from this marriage and the individuals involved, including yourself. What are you willing to do? In a loving and positive way, now is the time to articulate, negotiate, and come to an agreement on your expectations and about how you and your partner will behave.

The best marriages are flexible marriages, but how can you be flexible if you do not know what everyone needs right now. And, this may change over time, so there must be room for that to happen as well.

In flexible marriages partners are freer to reveal the parts of their changing selves that no longer fit into their old established patterns. You couldn’t possibly have known at the beginning of your new family what you know now and will learn later.

Spouses may feel the “conflict taboo” even more than in a first marriage. It is understandable that you want to make this marriage work. You might feel too “battle-scarred” to open “a can of worms.” And so, you gloss over differences that need airing and resolution—differences over which you may not have hesitated to wage war in your first marriage. Avoiding airing your differences is a serious mistake. It is important for you to understand your own and your partner’s needs because society hasn’t a clue how stepfamilies should work. Unless you talk about your expectations, they are likely to be unrealistic.

Living Well

Since roughly one third of stepfamilies do survive—even thrive—we know that stepfamilies can grow the safety, support, and comfort that only healthy families provide. Consider the following for living your step/blended family life well:

You must assess, as a couple, how well you accept and resolve conflicts with each other and key others. Learn and steadily work to develop verbal skills: listen with empathy, effectively show your needs, and problem-solve together. The emotional highs of new love can disguise deep disagreement on parenting, money, family priorities, and home management, i.e., values that will surface after the wedding.

Together, accept your prospective identity as a normal, unique, multi-home stepfamily. You need to admit and resolve strong disagreements, well enough for positive results.

You must balance and co-manage all of these tasks well enough on a daily basis to: build a solid, high-priority marriage; enjoy your kids; and, to keep growing emotionally and spiritually as individual people.

Know and take comfort in the fact that confidant stepfamily adult teams (not simply couples), can provide the warmth, comfort, inspiration, support, security—and often (not always) the love—that adults and kids long for.

Gloria Lintermans is the author of THE SECRETS TO STEPFAMILY SUCCESS: Revolutionary Tools to Create a Blended Family of Support and Respect.

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Fireproof Your (Re)Marriage!

September 4, 2012 By

Has the fire in your (re)marriage burnt out or headed in that direction?  Let’s face it, the statistics are staggering.  According the to latest survey taken by the U.S. Census Bureau, the divorce rates in the United States for first marriages is currently between 40-50% with the median length of marriage being 11 years.  For remarriages, that number increases dramatically to between 67-75%.  What’s even more stunning is one-half of all remarriages end in divorce after just three years.  Whew…now as disconcerting as those figures are, this is why we here at Today’s Modern Family do what we do.  We are dedicated to helping remarried couples avoid some of the pitfalls that unfortunately naturally accompany remarriage.

In preparing for this post, I took a small poll from several people that I know that live in blended families and I asked them what each of them thought was the top issue that causes problems within the remarriage.  Drum roll please…..expectations and integrating parenting styles was the number one issue.  The second most popular issue was the problem with putting the remarriage first before the children.  With that being said, I would say, in my professional opinion, the latter is the most important issue that has to be resolved in order to have a successful remarriage.  When the remarriage is put first in the lives of the life partners, it’s much easier to incorporate things like parenting styles, expectations and discipline.  It is widely known that if you allow your remarriage to become a prisoner to negative influences, it will tear your marriage apart.  Unfortunately, at times, those negative influences can be our children.  Now, I understand that some of those reading this post will be sent off the roof with that statement and say to yourselves…”what in the hell is this lady talking about?”  But, what you have to remember is that marriage is the foundation of family, not your children.  If the foundation of your marriage cracks, everything else cracks with it.  Of course, I have to put the caveat in here that I am not speaking about any situation that involves abuse in any manner, I am generally speaking about what would otherwise be normal circumstances involving the stepfamily environment and you or your spouse’s children driving a constant wedge between you (other stressors can take many forms).   When this happens, it causes one or the other partner in the marriage to feel controlled, restricted, belittled, disrespected and deprived, with deprived being the most important word.  In every successful remarriage that I have dealt with, when the feelings, opinions and heart of each spouse is put on the top of their partners priority list, the marriage exudes confidence, love, respect and trust.  When remarriage lacks priority, it is essentially deprived.  When the remarriage is deprived, the trickle-down effect begins and the whole blended family heads on a path of disaster.

If you are wondering about the title of this post “Fireproof  Your (Re)Marriage,” yes, you are correct.  I obtained the idea for this post from the movie Fireproof Your Marriage starring Kirk Cameron.  I was so incredibly moved by the movie that I began to ask myself the question, how can I apply this to remarriage.  Well, the answers to that was the same premise that Kela and I have been teaching our clients for years.  You have to treat your remarriage as if it is a first marriage.  In a first marriage, 9 times out of 10, parents stand united with one another by nature.  This does not occur naturally in stepfamilies.

One of my favorite sayings is that a garden that is not watered produces no harvest.  A flower that is not watered withers and dies.  A remarriage that is not put first on the priority list ends up deprived and suffocated.  Debunk the myth that focusing on your marriage means you are neglecting  your children.  Your children will not just be more well-rounded if you make your remarriage a priority, they will benefit greatly from it.  They learn what it means to be committed, to have trust and respect in a relationship and they actually see what love really looks like.

Fireproofing your remarriage begins with priority!  Make your remarriage your first priority and I promise you all else will fall in it’s proper place.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

 

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The Art of Compromise

June 26, 2012 By

Is your spouse the kind of person that loves to hear him/herself talk?  Does it always seem like the end to an argument proves to be at your expense because there is never compromise?  I am of the opinion that compromise is the single most important tool that all couples should have in their remarriage toolbox.

Partners in remarriage often struggle in the area of compromise because they are under the false impression going into same that “first comes love – then comes remarriage – then comes happily ever after,” hence they forget that you are not just blending your families, you are merging your values.  It is very hard to merge values without compromise. Think about it, when you blend families, unfair burdens are placed on stepparents and stepkids from the very beginning.  Everyone is expected to get along, birthparents assume you are going to love your stepkids and that your stepkids are going to love you and there you have the first of many misunderstandings wherein you will need to be able to apply your abilities to compromise.

The first step to positive compromise is healthy communication.  Life partners often forget when going through tough times that communication begins and ends with “both” the sender and the receiver.  Just as it takes two to tango in an argument, it takes two to compromise, hear one another and fix it.  When we are not applying compromise to our positions during conversational communication, the receiver never truly understands the message you are trying to send.  Kela and I have said over and over and it is worth repeating now, every human being desires to be heard.  They want to know that their opinion matters.  Emphatic listening to your spouse will take you far in being able to effectively compromise.  Keeping an open mind and being open to hearing their side of the conflict matters greatly.  It is selfish to shut out your spouses thoughts and feelings just because you want to only get your point across.  It never works.

It’s no secret, couples who compromise thrive.  The essence of marriage is the ability to achieve an unbreakable bond and closeness that cannot compare to anything else.  If you desire this type of unbreakable bond, compromise is not just needed, it is essential.  Here are a few tips to get you started:

  • Appreciate that both you and your spouse have been raised differently.  You are not going to always find that you agree on the same things (i.e., parenting styles, finance situations, emotional needs, etc.)
  • Respect each other’s views and opinions.
  • Kick “pride” to the curb!  Marriage is not a contest and compromise should not be looked upon as weakness.  It is actually one of the strongest tools you have in your (re)marriage toolbox.
  • Give and take.  Marriage is not unilateral and does not thrive with only one person doing all of the taking and the other doing all of the giving.  You have to always have your spouses best interests in mind and at heart.
  • Take a keen interest in your spouses feelings.  This will help you when  you have to apply compromise.  Know their values so you can effectively merge yours into his/hers.
  • Be aware and work hard to come to mutual understandings.  By doing this, you are teaching each other to be conscious of what your relationship means to one another.
  • Pay attention to your language and your tone.  I cannot stress enough the importance of “hearing yourself.”  How we say things really matters.  It is tough when you are going through stress to be mindful of this but it really does matter.  Remember, your message never gets across if your approach stinks.
  • Always examine the pros and the cons of the situation before approaching your spouse.  This way, you are not heading into your communication with just negative cards in your pocket.

I will leave you with this one final thought.  In the beginning of every relationship, each person always puts their best foot forward.  Your passionate stage is in full effect and we are always on our best behavior.  We want these feelings to last forever and will do whatever it takes.  A lot of times, after marriage, we tend to forget that the timbers in our fires need to continually be tended to in order to keep the fire burning.  Learning the art of compromise allows this closeness to continue and allows both you and your partner to meet one another’s needs together as a couple.  At the end of the day, it will always return to you balance and joy if you apply it effectively.  Care about your spouses heart and always attempt to apply compromise when faced with tough situations.  It will be well worth your effort.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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It’s All About YOU!

January 23, 2012 By

Like many women, I have often wondered what it really means to take care of myself.  Two months after my 20th birthday, I became a mom.  It felt like, for so many years, that my life was defined by motherhood.  I fully engaged myself in being a mom.  My world revolved around my boys instead of my world revolving around what made me happy, content and joyful.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mother and I wouldn’t change that for anything the world could offer me, but it took a long time to realize that being  a mother was only one part of who I was.

Like many women, we tend to sit and fester in our worries, our thoughts, our perceptions of what our lives “should” be like.  We fight what is right and that is the mere fact that if we are not healthy both mentally, physically and emotionally, we cannot and will not be able to effectively be all we can be to our children, spouses and family.  Each day, as we lose ourselves more in everyone elses’ lives, we lose a bit of who we are.  We validate our feelings by thinking that it is only right to put everyone before ourselves and we continue to “stuff away” our feelings and emotions and we all know that when the volcano erupts, there is no where left to hide!  When we make the choice to neglect ourselves, we forget to shuffle the deck and the only cards that are left in our hand are that of stress, pain, depression, anxiety and sorrow.

Over the past few years, I have really made an effort to discover what it really means to love myself unconditionally.  I am taking stock in creating and decorating a fresh canvas that I call ME!  For example, in 2008, I joined Today’s Modern Family and I was able to use this as a vehicle for expressing my thoughts and sharing them with others in hopes that I might be able to reach one person through my experiences.  You readers have returned my investment ten fold!  Another example is I decided that I need time to myself.  If it means I pick my own little space in my small house to hang a sign and say DO NOT DISTURB, then that’s what I do.  It’s in this alone time that I listen to myself.  I use this time to write, to read, to embrace myself and, most importantly, to slow down and acknowledge the changes that are taking place in my life and/or evaluate what changes need to take place in my life.

When we make it “all about us”and reconnect with ourselves for a little while, we suddenly are able to view our situations differently.  This allows us to reframe and redirect our emotions and ultimately our situations.  It’s the same picture, you just  make the choice to view it differently which in turn gives you a chance to change the outcome.  Evaluation is really key.  We don’t evaluate enough because we are so geared to reacting first.  Taking our own time allows for evaluation.  Whether our situations be about ourselves and our spouses, our work situation, etc., we discover that we find more courage to handle them.

Here are a few tips on making it “all about you:”

  • Find a special space in your house that you can make off-limits to everyone else.  Use it!
  • Pray or meditate.
  • Travel.  Escape somewhere you’ve never been. Plan a trip for yourself or you and your spouse alone.
  • Lean into your fears.  Don’t temporarily bandage them.  If you need some help, seek it.  Anxiety, depression and worry can be overwhelming and its OK to seek help.
  • Pamper yourself once a month.  It’s crucial.  Get a mani/pedi or a new hairdo.  It’s so worth it.
  • Find a hobby that makes you happy.
  • Exercise and eat healthier.
  • Speak up for yourself.  Don’t let resentment build in your relationships.  Your spouse or significant other cannot read your mind.  Speak up!
  • Stay on track with what is important to you.
  • Seek support.
  • Get plenty of sleep.
  • Lead by example.  Remember, your children are watching you.  If you teach them that taking care of yourself doesn’t matter, they won’t do it for themselves either.

TMF Readers remember this…just like your car can’t run on fumes, neither can you.  If your gas gauge is always registering empty and you don’t take time to fill your tank, where will you and your life end up?  Stranded!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

 

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Stepparenting: From Challenge to Success

January 5, 2012 By Leave a Comment

As I always say, marriage is tough but remarriage is tougher….well, let’s face it then, parenting is hard but stepparenting is probably one of the toughest challenges you will ever face in your lifetime.

There are no prerequisite courses you can take to prepare for your journey and there are no instruction manuals that come along with it, however, there are some steps that you can take in order to help you through it.  Regardless of all horror stories you hear and all of the stereotypical fairy tales about stepparents, you can have  successful relationships in your stepfamily life.

As parents of our biological children, it is my belief that we do our best in bringing them up, we trust our instincts and do what we think is best for them.  As stepparents, we tend to second guess our instincts at times.  Of course most of us want to do what is best for our stepchildren but we tend to second guess in order to avoid confrontation instead of just being ourselves.  If you are struggling, I offer you some of the following tips to help you navigate to a successful relationships within your stepfamily unit.

1.  Protect Your Marriage.  The number one tip I can give you is to decide and make a choice that your marriage will always come first.  If the ex-wife calls your phone regularly in the middle of the night to discuss the problems with her plumbing or she just wants to talk – NIP IT IN THE BUD!  There is an obvious reason you are in a stepfamily and that means you are divorced!  Your new family is based on your new union….protect it!

2.  Communicate.  Allow your children and stepchildren to tell you how they feel without judgment.   Encourage frequent communication and allowing them to have alone time with you and your spouse is very important.  Everyone, even children, want to know that their opinions matter to you.  They want to know that you hear them and that you are open to listening to them.

3.  Empathy.  One of the single most important tips I can give you is to have empathy for the position your stepchildren are in.  All stepfamilies are created out of a loss; keep that in mind when you have rough patches.  Empathy goes a long way.

4.  Maintain Normal Boundaries.  A lot of stepparents get confused in this area.  They feel that they have to overcompensate in order or their stepchild to like or approve of them.  You should always maintain the normal boundaries of an adult/child relationship.  For example, do not try to become your stepchild’s best friend.  You are an extension of their parent not a best friend.  A supporter and ally would be a great description of a stepparent.

  1. 5.  Realistic Expectations.  One of the hardest subjects I have to put across to my coaching clients is that of having realistic expectations.  Parents assume that when they bring a child into a new marriage or relationship that their spouse will immediately fall in love they way they are with their child.  This is a totally unrealistic expectation.  Relationships are built through time and patience.  As I said above, all step relationships exist out of a loss.  That is a hard pill to swallow for a child that has just has his/her world turned upside down.  Don’t rush your relationship.  Build trust.  Do your best to create good experiences and you will build a meaningful relationship.

Lastly, remember that children are the passengers on this flight we call a “stepfamily” and sometimes they will feel like they are literally out of their own airspace.  They were the innocent bystanders through your divorce.  As I stated above, empathy plays a huge role in how we help them to effectively deal with their emotions, feelings and ultimately, their happiness.   Tap into their world, be conscious of their feelings and let them know you are there for them unconditionally.

Stepparents, remember this….your stepchildren may never give you what you want or need in return for your love and sacrifice for them.  Most of the time it’s not until they are an adult that they truly appreciate the role you play in their lives but I would encourage you to be patient, stay flexible, be willing to compromise and accept that your blended family life will never be perfect.  It can however succeed with all of the above.

Peace & Blessings,

Diane

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Hollywood = Splitsville?

January 3, 2012 By Leave a Comment

There’s no hiding the fact that it seems like every time we  turn around we are hearing about another Hollywood couple splitting.  Unfortunately, in late 2011, we heard about the break up of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.  This was particularly a disappointment for me because I found them to be one of of the coolest “blended family” marriages out there.  I loved they way they were able to incorporate such a great co-parenting relationship with Bruce Willis.  I’m sure you all have heard the rumors but supposedly, Demi and Ashton’s ”open marriage” arrangement ended up going sour.

Now, this week, we hear that it is splitsville for Russell Brand and Katy Perry.  When I initially heard this, my first response was “Darn it!”  I happen to adore this couple.  However, according to Mail Online, sources close to the couple have said the couple are splitting due to Katy’s desire to put her career before having children.  Being this is a personal choice, I will say I will remain mum on the subject because, at least, they didn’t have children and then decided to divorce.

As I like to say, choice, especially in our relationships is one of the key components to making any relationship last.  If we cannot see the difference between our choices, whether good or bad, it will produce a consequence.  Unfortunately, in these two marriages, in my opinion, the stress of Hollywood made for some choices that weren’t too cohesive to their marital units.

Have a great 2012!

Diane

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Happy New Year – 2012!

December 31, 2011 By Leave a Comment

TMF Readers, Kela and I want to thank you for being such loyal readers throughout the past year and most importantly, we want to wish you and your families all of the peace, joy and goodwill that your hearts desire.  May your New Year be the best year yet for you and it is our hope that you will continue to come to our site and enjoy what is upon our hearts to share with each and every one of you.  Kela and I have had a tremendous year filled with our share of mishaps but the joy certainly outweighed the bad and we are better women, mothers, sibilings, parents, step-parents and spouses for it.

In the coming year, we are hoping to give you more.  Kela is diligently working on the fabulous Joyful Mind Project and you readers will be absolutely amazed.  Kela and I will continue to keep Todays Modern Family your “go to” place for advice and great articles on the sensitive issues facing blended families today.

As 2011 closes, both Kela and I want to thank our readers for their continued support.   In closing, as Edith Lovejoy Pierce once quoted….”We will open the book.  Its pages are blank.  We are going to put words on them ourselves.  The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”

Peace & Blessings for a Wonderful New Year!

Diane and Kela

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Simplifying The Holidays-Part I

November 4, 2011 By Leave a Comment

The holiday season is my favorite time of the year.  However, trying to organize can be an uphill battle.  This year, I have decided to post a series called Simplifying the Holidays with this post being Part I.   Today, shopping has been heavy on my mind — well, it’s always on my mind, but holiday shopping is different.  As I was perusing one my very favorite websites www.mymerrychristmas.com, I came across a fabulous blog post by B. Francis Morlan on the subject of Black Friday where she gives 5 very good reasons why us saavy shoppers should avoid it.  I was amazed!  Yes, TMF Readers, in the past, I have been part of the thousands that hit the stores as early as 3:00 a.m. waiting in line for a good deal on the day after Thanksgiving.  However, after reading these five tips, I may just decide to forego this year and get my highly underrated sleep in!  I hope you enjoy the article as much as I did. 

By B. Francis Morlan

Black Friday has become as big a part of Thanksgiving weekend as turkey. In many home across America a tradition has been born of searching ads, surfing Black Friday websites and mapping out a shopping strategy for the wee hours of the Friday after Thanksgiving. While the pies bake and the turkey trimmings are prepared many make it a habit to look forward with a little jingle in their pocket to begin the holiday season.

To the savvy shopper we advise: stop. Sleep in. Forget about the so-called big deals.

Here are five reasons to avoid Black Friday:

1. The Big Deals Aren’t That Big a Deal – A 36-inch flat screen television for $300 might see like a mighty tempting deal. So too that $200 laptop. The deals even might seem crazy enough to cause you to camp out on concrete for 24-hours or more in sub-zero weather. Don’t buy into it. A cheap laptop is just that – cheap. Chances are it won’t last until next Thanksgiving. And if you’re going to make a purchase for a major appliance chances are you’ll find a better deal on what you really want in October, especially in electronics. That is when merchants want to really clear the shelves to make room for holiday merchandise.

2. Biggest Bait-n-Switch Day of the Year – Every ad is going to say “limited to quantities on hand”. Often, especially for the more attractively priced stuff, those quantities are very limited. 50 laptops for a line of 1000 people are not going to last long. Retailers love getting people in with a low price – and then showing them alternatives after selling out on the hot stuff within minutes. With crowds anxious for a deal the percentages are in their favor that a shopper looking for a bargain – any bargain – in the competitive rush of early morning shopping is going to drop money on something they didn’t intend to buy.

3. Great Price, No Rain Checks – For many retailers standing in that line in the near-winter weather means nothing. Yes, they’ve got great prices advertised. But once they are out they are out – and unlike ordinary everyday sales Black Friday sales offer no guarantee, no overstock and no rain checks.

4. Better Deals Online – Start shopping online the Monday before Thanksgiving. Online retailers want to cash in on Black Friday too and they work a lot harder during Thanksgiving week to get your attention and your money. Amazon in particular has refined the art of getting folks to stay in their jammies to shop – at all hours, too. And there’s no shoving online.

5. Holiday Return Policies Kick In – just as the deals on Black Friday are an exception so too are the holiday return policies. Some retailers will only let you return product at the sale price – regardless of whether or not you have a receipt. Others are charging now a “re-stocking fee”. Investigate the return policy before you spend – by law they have to post it.

The best way to avoid Black Friday is to do your shopping well in advance of the holiday shopping season. The deals are exceptional from just before Labor Day to Halloween. Retailers are clearing out early year models and marking down to drive sales traffic. They have to. Mid-September to mid-November is one of the weakest shopping periods of the year. And there are deals aplenty.

Black Friday is festive event, sure enough, and for many just spending time with family and friends amongst the chaos is fun in and of itself. And if that’s your thing, great – just leave the wallet and especially the credit cards at home.

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Are You Co-Dependent on Your Kids?

August 17, 2011 By Leave a Comment

There are situations in life where it becomes inevitable that as parents we make mistakes.  One of the mistakes I made as a young, widowed mother was relying entirely too much on my oldest son during our time of grief.  Granted, I had a lot going on at the time, including pregnancy,  but I admit, I let my focus go as a parent.  I allowed my emotions at the time to control my actions.  Those emotions took many forms and needless to say, I relied too much on my son for my own happiness which in turn blurred the line between dependence and independence for him as he got older and co-dependence for me.

During and after divorce, many times both parents are so emotionally hung up on trying to re-evaluate their own lives that they feel it is okay to involve their children in every single aspect of their beings.  For example, some parents guilty parent so exceedingly that they actually allow their children to become “spouse-like.”  What do I mean by that you might ask?  They base all of their decisions around what their children think, they ask their children for advice, they lean on their children for sympathy, they communicate with their children as if they are their best friends.  Parents allow their own happiness to rely totally on the happiness of their children.  When this occurs, this is a complete no-win situation for your child. 

When going through our own emotions as parents, it is extremely important to show our children that even though circumstances happen in life that cause heartache, pain, grief or disappointment, that their presence in our lives alone makes us happy.  Therefore, we are not unintentionally making them feel responsible to “fix” things for us.  If we don’t make that clear, they will inevitably feel responsible for our happiness.  They will feel that it is their responsibility to be our listening ear and that it is normal for them to fill the “void” that you are missing.  Remember, your children are just that, your children….not your surrogate mate.

TMF Readers, if you don’t remember anything at all about us here at Today’s Modern Family, remember that what we write about, we have almost always lived through.  I felt the need to write this post on my heart because during the time that I was personally experiencing this type of dependence, I was really not doing what was in my childrens’ best interest.  In order for me to stop being a codependent parent, I had to get a life for myself. 

Your life does not have to revolve around your children.  Value yourself enough to give yourself your own time to do some of the things that make you happy and what makes you relax and renew.  Find time to pursue your dreams and goals.  Even after something as hard as divorce is to get through, being able to focus on the bigger picture and what might lie ahead for you if you are willing to put in the work to forge ahead will be of great benefit to you.  Make time for yourself. 

Instead of teaching your children the art of codependency, teach them that it’s okay to have strengths and weaknesses.  It’s okay to learn from your mistakes and to deal with them on your own for the greater good.  Life is full of negatives.  Don’t worry them with your problems and your circumstances.  If you want to do anything for your children, turn your codependency into freedom for them.  Let them make their own choices about their absent parent without your feelings being at stake.  They need your security, they look to you for their protection.  They can’t protect us nor should they carry that burden.  

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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THE BLENDED FAMILY SURVIVAL GUIDE!

May 16, 2011 By 2 Comments

TMF Readers, one of the best books I’ve read this year is Brandi Mitchell’s The Blended Family Survival Guide.  Brandi is not just a mom, wife and stepmom, but she has had a fabulous career in the film and television industry and is now the author of this “go-to” guide for blended families.

Brandi, let me begin by thanking you for taking the time to allow Today’s Modern Family to spend a little time with you, for sharing this extra special book and for allowing me to pick your brain about the very important issues that blended families face every day.

Diane:  I have so many questions for you Brandi, I guess I would start by asking you how you ended up on your blended family journey and what inspired you to author this fabulous guide for blended families?

Brandi: Thanks for having me Diane and for the support. You know you always picture your perfect mate, and the life you want. And I’d have to say, that my husband was (and still is) perfect for me. But along with finding Mr. Right, I also inherited two handsome little boys, and two different mothers… so let’s just say that when I said “I Do, I said I do to them all!” and it’s been almost 15 years. I wrote the book because it has been my life’s experience! I have always been a part of a blended family. Growing up I had 2 sets of stepfamilies, and my brother and I share the same Dad, so I have seen it all! I felt there was a need for a realistic and transparent manual to help the more than 75 million people who are experiencing living life blended. It is affecting us all, and I wanted to provide a well-lived and researched guide to help people navigate through the journey, because let’s face it, it can be very challenging.

 Diane:  In my line of work, I find a lot of people have a hard time balancing relationships within the blended family (i.e., with the ex-wife, ex-husband, baby mama, baby daddy, etc.).  Your book touches a bit on this subject.  What advice can you give our readers on defining those relationships and having realistic expectations of same? 

 Brandi:  Every one’s situation is so different, so the results will vary tremendously. I think the common thread that almost always leads to peace, is respect. Where there is no respect, peace is sometimes difficult. The respect crosses so many lanes; respect of your child and their feelings, respect in the way you choose to handle difficult situations, respect even for yourself and how you represent your family. In terms of having realistic expectations, realize that some things you may not have control of because you have outside influences that are apart of your families day to day life. You can, however, control the way in which you react to the cards you are dealt. As far as Baby Mama Drama goes, I wish it didn’t exist, right along with bigotry, homelessness, and misguided youth. In the book I talk about the differences in a single parent and a baby mama, and that the two are not equal. The trait that separates the two titles is the way in which the person handles their relationship and dealings with the child’s other parent and their attitude. I think that the “drama” factor of it all hurts and scars children for life, sabotages relationships, and stunts the growth of the person who is administering the drama.

 Diane:  One of my favorite chapters in the book is the first chapter which is about choices.  Choices in the blended family are, in my opinion, one of the most important things that we need to take into consideration before leaping into the blended family life.  Why did you begin with there?

 Brandi: I felt that a variety of people would be reading this book and would be at all different points in their personal lives and relationships. Many people go through life reacting to what happens instead of actively taking responsibility for the outcome of their lives. I started with choices for several reasons, one being that for people who may be reading the book and haven’t had children yet, I wanted them to really understand that they have the ability to choose what life will look like for them. I also wanted people to understand that every time they choose to have a sexual relationship with someone, they actually are choosing to potentially become a parent, and, that person they are “choosing at that moment, may actually become a fabric of their lives. I also knew that a lot of parents are in a space where they may not fully understand the magnitude of decisions they make especially when it comes to parenting, and I wanted to open the conversation up by bringing some sobriety to the reader.

 Diane:  This guide touches on subjects from A to Z.  One of the particularly penetrating and effective subjects, in my opinion, is where you touch on a child’s personal feelings about the importance of visitation.  I get contacted regularly from our readers, who are non-custodial parents, whose visitation is either being sabotaged or constantly interrupted by the custodial parent.  What advice can you give custodial parents, from your personal experience as a child of divorce on the importance of this very touchy issue?

 Brandi:  Well for me, my visitation with my father helped to really shape the woman I am. My visits were very much quality and not quantity, I always tell my sons that I wish I had the kind of time and consistency they have with their Dad! My mother had plenty of very legitimate reasons for saying no to my visits with my Dad from inconsistency, to lack of provision, to me seeing some things on those trips that she didn’t approve of a little girl experiencing. Despite the negatives, she felt I needed that time with my father. So I really encourage visitation between the child and non-custodial parent, so as often as they attempt to see their child, they should be allowed (within reason). My father died young, and now I really understand why the time I spent with him was so concentrated. I am forever grateful for my mother for being unselfish and forgiving.

 Diane:  In the guide, you touch a bit on custodial parents not dwelling on the absence of the other parent so much to the children but instead to focus and concentrate on their strengths and to expect happiness.  I felt this was one of the most important statements in the book.  Explain to all of our single parents out there why you feel this is so important?

 Brandi: As a single parent, one of the greatest things you can do to develop a stable and secure child is to focus not on the negatives, but on what your child HAS: a loving, concerned, caring father/mother for starters. Focus on giving your child all that you can as a parent. Children tend to naturally want to meet our expectations, so if you expect yours be happy and successful they will work to towards that expectation! The reality is children do survive without a parent with the help of other nurturing family members and love from you.

Diane:  In the book you share with us your personal story being raised in a divorced environment and how being raised by a single mom shaped you in positive ways and also how very important your visitation with your dad was and how his way of life also shaped you in many positive ways.  What was the most important lesson you took from your experience that helped you in your own blended family as an adult?

 Brandi:  My mother always believed in being fair, and she is very considerate. So because I saw how she responded to my brother, and always spoke positively, that’s the behavior I naturally adapted in my own blended family. I try to make sure I never say anything that I would be embarrassed to repeat. I guess to sum it all up, it would be to be a person of integrity, and treat people like you would want to be treated.

 Diane:  I ask all of my interviewee’s this question because I feel it is so important.  What is your notion of family? 

 Brandi:  A group of people formed through bloodline or special relationships that love each other and have common threads.

 Diane:  Living the blended family life can be stressful on a remarriage.  How important is it to nurture your blended family marriage?

 Brandi:  It is extremely necessary to nurture your marriage period, but becomes even more difficult in a blended family. There are so many opportunities for division. You are dealing with your past in a relationship that is a part of your future, and you have all of these outside nuances that you have no control of. That’s why I especially recommend very sound pre-marital counseling prior to marriage, because if you start off on the right team, and knowing what to expect, you have a better chance to stay working together instead of apart. Not to mention the fact that nurturing your love for each other and enjoying life together will require constant discovery and rediscovery of who your mate is, and that only comes through concentrated time spent.

 Brandi, I just want to say Thank You for this very special book.  I keep it in my briefcase and it is used daily in my own blended family life.  I have learned an awful lot from you through the 253 pages of this book I now call my “Blended Family Bible!”  Thank you for allowing Today’s Modern Family into your world and please come by and share with us anytime. 

Brandi:  No thank you, it was my pleasure!

To obtain your copy of this fabulous book go to www.theblendedfamilysurvivalguide.com today!

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