REALITY TV CASTING FOR BLENDED FAMILIES

Have you been told your blended family is so dynamic that you should have your own TV show?

NOW CASTING dynamic blended families for their own reality series!!

Major Cable Network is looking to cast Blended Families To Be or Newly Blended Families who want to share their lives with us. We are looking for outgoing, charismatic families to participate. If you are interested in finding out more about this possible opportunity, please email a brief bio on your family or family to be to cbcasts@yahoo.com

JACKIE CHRISTIE “KNOWS BEST”

TMF Readers, let me introduce you to the fabulous Jackie Christie, wife of NBA Superstar Doug Christie, fashion entrepreneur, CEO of her own Record Label, 4 time best selling author and a woman that was just named the National Association of Professional Women’s 2011 Woman of the Year!

Jackie, welcome to Today’s Modern Family. Let me start this interview by saying to you that I am in complete awe of you. You are doing big things and I admire you for your passion and how far you have come not just for yourself and your family but for all women! Congratulations on being named the National Association of Professional Women’s 2011 Woman of the Year. What an accomplishment! You are certainly an inspiration to me and to lots of young women out there who aspire to have more so thank you for allowing Today’s Modern Family to have this opportunity to interview you.

TMF:  You are a wife, mother of three, fashion designer, model, producer, CEO of a record company and best-selling author. How do you balance being a wife, mother and entrepreneur?

JC: Balancing them all is definitely not easy. I had to learn how to prioritize. If what you really wants is to be the best wife, mother, friend and daughter you can be then everything outside of that has no place in your life. For me, I like to set goals and make lists of things I want to get done and accomplish everyday and I work hard to complete my goals. I always put my family first and insure they are all getting everything they need from me; this allows me the clarity to continue my life’s journey of navigating my businesses, writing my books, designing my lines, running my label, etc. It truly is rewarding at the end of the day when I know I helped someone realize their dreams, made my kids smile or completed my to do list; It feels really good and It helps me feel balanced.

TMF: Its no secret that being a basketball wife can be very difficult and you are known for stopping at nothing to protect your marriage. How do the two of you maintain such a strong relationship?

JC:  We love and respect each other to the fullest & put each other first. We communicate about everything no matter what and we are best friends. When you have all these things in your relationship it makes the intimacy even greater (smiles.)

TMF:  Let’s talk about your latest book titled “Sexual Relations, A His and Hers Guide to Greater Intimacy.” Obviously, the title speaks for itself and we here at Today’s Modern Family love to put emphasis on how important it is to continue to court our spouses in order to maintain the intimacy that is crucial to the survival of our relationships. So, I am dying to know what made you, personally, want to create a his/hers guide like this and when can we expect it to hit the shelves?

JC : My new book “Sexual Relations: A His and Her Guide To Greater Intimacy” Is a modern day sex bible. It will be the go to book for men and women to help them experience greater intimacy in their lives. I feel I have been extremely blessed with a strong libido and sexual desire which I feel is a big part of having a strong and committed relationship/marriage. I have been blessed with my husband Doug in that he loves me and desires me in the deepest possible way. We are always asked how we are still so much in love, so now in my new book I will share my secrets to having a long-lasting beautiful and fulfilling relationship as well as many other surprises.

TMF:  In 2009 you launched your Colored Girl fashion collection and in 2011 the Jackie Christie Black Collection both to rave reviews! Tell us where your inspiration in the world of fashion comes from.

JC: I draw inspiration from so many places, whether it’s reading a book, walking along the beach, meeting new people or having lunch in a nice restaurant. The love I have for fashion is un-measurable and I always design from my heart. When I designed my Colored Girl line, I was inspired by all the amazing beautiful women around the world from all sizes, nationalities and backgrounds. I feel like every woman on earth should feel beautiful, so when I design I do it with that in mind.

TMF:  Your latest project is an upcoming web series, “Jackie Christie Knows Best”. Tell us more about this and what inspired you to do the show?

JC: Maya Angelou once said “when you learn — teach”, and so I feel like I have a lot that I can teach men and women. My web series is going to be both entertaining and informative. I have a lot of really great celebrity interviews, special guest appearances and more. I don’t want to give away all the surprises so I encourage you all to tune in. (smiles)

TMF:  I also understand that through this web series, you will be raising funds for unemployed women and single mothers. Can you tell me more about this and why you chose unemployed women and single mothers?

JC: Yes, I wanted to reach out to single mothers and unemployed women because I know what it’s like to be in that situation. For a short time I was an unemployed mother and that’s when I decided I wanted to own my own business and I feel that there’s not that many programs geared toward helping women that are in these situations. I feel like through my web series I could bring attention to the growing issue of single mothers and unemployed women. I feel like its apart of my responsibility to help raise money and help erase their struggle by donating money, clothes, etc.

TMF:  Now for some fun questions…

What does the term modern mom mean to you?

JC: Wow! The term modern mom to me means a renaissance women and multi tasker! It also signifies [to me] a strong women that loves her family and herself and wants to be happy and fulfilled. When a person is happy within themselves it shows and radiates to their family , friends and everyone else.

What is your definition of a good marriage?

JC: True love, respect, commitment, intimacy, friendship and communication.

What is your notion of family?

JC: My notion of family is an unbreakable bond shared amongst a family; it is a gift from God that we must cherish always. Even in the closest of families there will be ups and downs but a family that respects, loves and cherishes each other and keeps God first can overcome any and all obstacles. To me, family is everything.

Well, Jackie, let me close by saying I have thoroughly enjoyed this interview. I am a big fan of you and Doug Christie and we here at Today’s Modern Family have been honored to have you with us. Please feel free to come by and visit with us anytime.

JC: Thank You so much! We definitely will. I would love for all of you to become my twitter pals and I’ll be yours. I’m at twitter.com/JackieChristie.

Listening is an Act of Love

Every marriage and remarriage suffers and struggles to find and learn how to communicate effectively.  Most of us hear our spouses but the question that begs a true answer is this….”Do we truly listen to our spouse?”  Are we really, truly listening to them?  Honestly, every couple that I have ever met with struggles in this area.  We all do.  The reason behind this failure is because we are all a work in progress.  Our marriages and remarriages are constantly evolving and changing.  It’s hard to be on our toes at all times but did you know that listening to our spouses is really one of the most important acts of love?

Sharing what is in our hearts with our spouses is so important.  It’s extra easy to share all of our day-to-day frustrations and what is on the top of our minds, but truly sitting down and sharing what is important to us as spouses seems to be something that we don’t do enough as life partners.  For example, one of the biggest issues I see with couples I meet with is that when they are communicating, one partner might reject the “feelings” of their spouse instead of truly listening and hearing them out.  When this occurs, what your spouse takes from this is that you are basically rejecting them and judging them based on their “feelings.”  Feelings in communication are neither right or wrong.  What you do with your feelings is what creates those right or wrong situations.  There are many advantages to mastering the art of listening in your relationship.  Here are a few advantages:

• You will achieve a deeper intimacy with your spouse;
• You will learn the difference between thoughts and emotions and how to respectively deal with both;
• You will learn to accept that feelings come and go and change quickly;
• You will learn not to make decisions based on feelings;
• You gain trust , acceptance, honesty and acceptance from your partner.

Finding the right words is also a very important tool to have in your communication toolbox.  Use words to describe your feelings so that you don’t leave your partner guessing what you are going through.  For example:

• Abandoned, accepted, alive, aone, aloof, appreciative, attacked, bad, belittled, bitter, closed,  cheated, cheerful, concerned, contempt, controlled, deceived, defensive, doubtful….etc.

While giving you the right words to say, I would be remiss if I didn’t give you the words not to say.  Here are a few examples:

• WHATEVER.  This is the worst word you can use to effectuate communication.  What you are saying to your spouse when you use the word “whatever” is that you don’t care at all what your spouse is saying.  Essentially, you are saying “you are not important enough to me for me to listen to you.”
• I DON’T CARE.  This is self-explanatory and just plain rude.  And, if you truly feel this way, you shouldn’t be married or in a relationship where you are required to have communication.
• DUMB.  Using the word “dumb” is awful.  Basically, you are negating everything your partner is saying by using such a degenerative word.

Talking about your feelings to your partner will improve your overall communication by leaps and bounds.  Marriage is not a guessing game.  Finding the right words and using as many of them as possible to paint a picture for your spouse allows them to see things more clearly and to understand with more clarity exactly how you are feeling.  Remember, the purpose of exploring your partners feelings is to help you to better understand him/her, not to change how they feel.  Accepting how they feel, agreeing to disagree instead of manipulating them to feel as you do only strengthens what you are building.  Listening to one another intently builds trust and longevity.  It is extremely important to remember that in good marriages, both partners continually negotiate and re-negotiate.  Truly listening helps you to accept your partner for who they are and helps you to identify when you need to get on the path of renegotiation.  It helps you to appreciate the person you fell in love with and is a true act of love.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Finding Value In Your Blended Family

 ”Our family hit some bumpy roads on this path of life.  It took us a while to get where we are today…I’m sure glad we all took the effort to walk together” Christy Borgeld, Founder of National Stepfamily Day

Bringing two families together with different values and of which are still dealing with feelings of loss is no walk in the park.  To many, the problems that come along with the blended/step family prove to be too much and unfortunately these such examples definitely do not have the makings for prime time television as did the Brady Bunch back in the 70′s. 

Currently, in the United States, the blended family has become some what of the norm.  As divorce rates continue to rise, blended families become more common.  In fact, blended families seem to be the way of the future.  Research has shown that it is estimated that soon there will be more children in stepfamily situations than living with both of their biological parents.

With that, in my opinion, finding value in your stepfamily is essential.  Albeit I know the task at hand can be one of the most challenging you might ever face, think about all of the factors that have to be weighed in the process.  As we all know, children do not ask for divorce or remarriage for that matter.  Usually, they are thrust into this situation, unbeknownst to them, and they just have to learn to live with it and deal with their extreme sense of loss.  I actually just had a long conversation with a very important person in my life, a woman who used to be my very own step-sister during my adolescent years, and she confided in me that one day, all of a sudden, they were just told that her and her two siblings were going on a road trip to a birthday party and they ended up thousands of miles away from their bio father and thrust into a live-in situation and eventual stepfamily.  I, being on the other end of that family, knew that my parents were getting divorced.  I cannot even imagine the feeling of that situation she was in.  With that being said, the losses that all members of the blended family face during these times can be a major contributing factor to the stresses that ensue afterward.  Mix in the ex-spouses and all the financial strain and you have a recipe for disaster.  Hence, anyone would have a hard time finding value in their respective blended families. 

However, being in a blended family has lots of rewards.  Being able to find the value in your blended family is very important.  Here are a few ways to get you started looking in the right direction:

• Pay attention to the communication skills being used within your family.  Being able to resolve conflict as it arises is essential.  Do your best to have wholesome, genuine communication.  Only focusing on negative communication is counter productive.
• Make sure you always put your marriage first.  Remember, at the end of the day, the kids will be grown and gone, it will be just you and your spouse.  
• Build on your differences and use them to make your family stronger. Each individual in the family may be different but will also bring something special to your unit.
• Remember, first families have an automatic bond, take time to connect with your stepchildren.
• Recognize that your stepchildren will feel closer to their mom or dad at different times in their developmental years.  This can be stressful to the bio parent and you are going to feel the need to step in.  However, recognize that you can’t fix this for anyone.  This is something that has to work itself out. 

Lastly, it is not an easy feat to build value and to find value in your blended family. However, if you are willing to make sacrifices now to have a strong, happy blended family, you will reap great reward in the long run.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

The Blended Family Survival Guide – Part I

“Brandi Mitchell just gets it!” 

TMF Readers, I have had the honor and pleasure of reading Brandi Mitchell’s “The Blended Family Survival Guide” and to simply put it, not only was I impressed with her work but I was enamored with her uncanny ability to use her own personal experience as a stepping stone to help others who may be in the midst of their own blended family firestorm.  The Blended Family Survival Guide is not just a guide for all of us blended family members offering tips, tools, advice, legal research, etc., but packs a serious powerhouse punch to the issues all blended families face.  I encourage all of you readers to go directly to Brandi’s site www.theblendedfamilysurvivalguide.com to get  your copy of this amazing book!  I promise, you won’t be disappointed.  Below is a snippet of what you will get from this fabulous book! 

“When Prince Charming found me, glass slipper in hand, we vowed our love to each other for eternity, as he whisked me off to Blendedville to live happily ever after. What I didnt expect, on the way to my not-so-new castle, was that we would pick up two, little adorable travelers that would go on the journey with us! Oh, and by the way, did I mention that my carriage had to stop to pick up my little travelers at two different houses? Now, a young princess in my new blended world, I had no map or compass to guide me through the blended journey, nor had I realized the true effect my ready-made family would have on my own marriage and future children.”

Stay tuned readers for Part II of this post where I will be interviewing the fabulous Ms. Brandi Mitchell herself!  You will not want to miss this one!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Six Things in the Remarried Co-Parent’s Survival Toolbox

Co-Parenting Plan

The first thing the remarried co-parent should have is a detailed, mutually agreed upon, co-parenting plan. He or she should have one within their household and with their former spouse. Remarried couples and divorced co-parents need to stop making it up as they go along and talk about it, prior to divorce or remarriage. Talk about how to handle discipline, visitation, phone calls, birthday parties, etc. because when you are suddenly confronted with these decisions and emotions are high, those emotions usually dictate your decision making. As such, you end up making a decision based on how you feel instead of what’s best for everyone.

Family Mission Statement

 Arm yourself with a good family mission statement, which all the members of your household are active participants in creating. Remember that especially because this family wasn’t organically made, some effort will need to go into building and maintaining it. Talk about how you want to connect as a family and make every member feel included in this process.

Stepfamily Coach

 Be sure to have a good stepfamily coach/counselor on speed dial as it’s not always helpful to listen to those well-meaning family members and friends. Talking to someone who is experienced and knowledgeable on the issues that you will undoubtedly face will be helpful as you navigate through your remarried co-parenting journey.

Drama Free Date Night

Drama free date night, at least once per month, is a must! Stay connected to your spouse; remember that he or she is your biggest support system.

No Judgment Zone Problem/Solution Box

 No judgment zone problem/solution box is a simple box that is placed in your house for everyone, including the children, to freely drop their concerns in to be addressed. Overall, everyone in the stepfamily just wants to be appreciated and respected and heard! One of the biggest problems that I have discovered with stepfamilies is that they don’t communicate, unless they are fighting about an issue. The stepmom does what she thinks is expected of her. The divorced dad is often the man caught in the middle as he tries to please both women (ex-wife and wife), and the kids feel like they have absolutely no say in what’s happening. Stepmoms don’t hold it in; voice your concerns. Divorced dads, tell your wives how you feel. Kids, we know this isn’t easy for you and we want you to know that we acknowledge how you feel. A problem/solution box gives everyone a voice and shows that you are working to find a solution that mostly works for everyone. More importantly, it allows the children to feel a part of the unit instead of feeling caught in the middle. It also shows them that the success of the family is also dependent upon their active participation.

Realistic Expectations

It is important to have realistic expectations when entering into a stepfamily. Remember, that stepfamilies do not and cannot operate as first families do and it will take time and a conscious effort to build and maintain your modern family. Relationships take time and effort to build, but not force. Establishing realistics expectations in the beginning will minimize hurt feelings and chaos.

Brady Bunch Syndrome

As we repeat over and over on Today’s Modern Family, the statistics are stunning.  65% of all remarriages end in divorce.  The big question everyone always has for me is why?  People think that just because they were married before, they will be able to apply themselves better the second time around.  The same mistakes won’t be made, they have all their old problems and issues worked out and they will make it work this time.  However, the dynamics of a remarriage are totally different than those of a first marriage.  Factor in you are blending in adults and children from totally different backgrounds, rules, ways of life, etc., and you can have a disaster on your hands before you know it.  I know that this might sound like I am being rather negative.  Quite the contrary.  There are several positive aspects to remarriage, too many to count actually, but at the same time, people who jump right into remarriage after divorce or death per say have this unrealistic idea that their new-found family will run just as smoothly as Carol and Mike Brady ran theirs, except they are forgetting one main component.  Carol and Mike Brady were made up characters that had all of the answers ahead of time because they read from a script!  Unfortunatley for those of us living our daily lives in real blended families,  life isn’t as easy as tuning into old episodes of the Brady Bunch.  Moreover, the Brady Bunch not only steered families into unrealistic expectations of real stepfamily life, it did a disservice to all of us.

In Mala Burt’s 8 Step Progeram for Successful Family Living she notes the following common myths that plague stepfamilies:

1.  Love Occurs Instantly Between the Child and Stepparent

An expectation exists that because you love your partner, you will naturally love his or her children and they will instantly love you. This expectation often sets up a family for failure as partners then question what is wrong with them. The answer is nothing is wrong with you. Relationships take time and there are many positive steps you can take to develop it.

2.  Stepmothers Are Wicked

Many fairy tales tell us so. This negative concept may make stepmothers very self-conscious about their step parenting. It can cause confusion about our roles. Stepfamily research tells us that stepmothers have the most difficult role in the stepfamily.

3.  Children Adjust to Divorce and Remarriage More Easily If Biological Fathers or Mothers Withdraw

Children will always have two biological parents and will have an easier adjustment if they have access to both. They need to see them and think well of them. This is important for their emotional health; except in those instances of parental abuse or neglect.

Peace & Blessings.
Diane

Laughter: An Important Key To Your Relationship!

“Laughter gives us distance.  It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on….Bob Newhart”

Isn’t there just something extra special and charming about a man or woman who can make you laugh.  My husband is definitely that man for me.  It’s one of the best traits he has.  Being able to laugh in your relationship adds a completely different and important dimension to your relationship.  It adds to your marriage and gives it that extra zing which comes in handy when tensions arise.

Milton Berle once said that “laughter is an instant vacation.”  Think about that statement and how it relates to our marriages and remarriages.  If we are able to remember that in the instance of an argument we can find something to laugh about then we literally “get away” from the stress and drama of what might be causing our tension.  Laughter is more than an efficient tool to have in our (re)marriage tool box, it is essential to the health and emotional state of same.

Laughter is play and good marriages are playful.  Couples who can laugh at themselves and together are actually much stronger when situations arise between them.  However, keep in mind it is important to have balance when it comes to laughter and joking.  There are lots of ways to bring healthy humor and laughter into your marriage.  Of course it’s important to remember that sometimes humor can hurt if it isn’t used properly so here are a few tips to guide you along the way:

• Be more aware of humorous moments together
• Be playful together; playing brings on laughter
• Reflect back on the funny situations that have happened in the past with you and your partner
• Keep your humor clean when it comes to your spouse.  Don’t offend.
• Your humor should never be at your spouse’s expense (i.e., joking about weight and/or how they look in general.  That is hurtful.

My husband is not just my life partner, but my lover, my shoulder to cry on, my best friend and my security blanket.  If I have a bad day at work or with a friend, he always has a reason to make me laugh out of the situation.  He has an uncanny ability to make me smile even if I don’t feel like it — I really think it’s because he loves to see my big dimples when I smile (only because he tells me that all the time).  I guess I could have married a stuffy-shirted serious man but I don’t think I would have had near as much fun as I have with my husband. 

Life can be as funny as we make it out to be.  Look for laughter in your daily experiences and share them with your spouse and/or significant other.  Humor in our relationships builds trust and mutual respect.  Take it from me, the benefits are enormous.  Let’s get to more laughter TMF Readers.  Your relationship is worth it!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

THIS IS WHO I AM!

There are two primary choices in life:

1.  To accept conditions as they exist; or

2.  Accept the responsibility for changing them!

This holds true in our marriages, our co-parenting responsibilities and most importantly, our personal lives.  Learning how to let go, moving on and rising to the occasion of what’s really important is key to being released and truly happy.

For years, I have to admit that I was such the people pleaser that I constantly worried about what people thought about me.  I constantly felt I had to conquer all problems that one might ask me to help them with. I had to be the best wife, mom, stepmom and friend that walked the planet earth and I wanted everyone to know it.  I wanted to be appreciated and liked by everyone.  I wanted to be appreciated and liked by my children all the time.  I wanted to be accepted and liked by my stepdaughter and her mother so that they would know that I was committed to my stepdaughter and to my family.  I wanted to be the “fixer of all things” for my husband so I would go overboard with my friendship with my husband’s ex wife so that I could “fix” everything and be responsible for his issues that involved his daughter and ex-wife so that our family could work cohesively all the time — or so I thought.   Through all of this however, I wasn’t being myself.  No matter how much I tried to hide the big elephant in the room, I couldn’t – because the big elephant was ME!

What I was doing was not only unhealthy for me emotionally but also I was putting undue pressure on others in my life to fill the need that they always had to make me happy.  As you can see, I have used the word “I” so many times above because “I” was making it all about “me.”  Life isn’t always happy.  Parenting and co-parenting isn’t always cohesive.  Kids and parents aren’t always going to get along, wives and ex-wives aren’t always going to like one another all of the time, dads and step-dads might not always see eye-to-eye.  I am not perfect and once I realized I didn’t have to be perfect in order for people to appreciate me, a huge weight and monkey was lifted off of my back.  I don’t need approval from anyone but myself!  I realized that I am who I am because God made me to be a beautiful, loving, caring, kind and yes, an imperfect  individual person.   Accepting the fact that I don’t have the responsibility to make everyone happy all of the time, opened the door for my relationships to get better.   The realization that my children will be fine if I am not pleasing them all the time, that my husband can ”fix” his own issues, that my stepdaughter will know I love her and that I don’t need everyone’s approval was liberating.  The fact that I didn’t have to go overboard with my friendship with my husband’s ex (not to mention the fact that it put her, at times, in an awkward position) just to prove to her that I love and am committed to my stepdaughter and our blended family was essential to my, my husband’s ex-wife and our blended family’s emotional health.

The mere fact that I am no longer worried about what people think about me, how they feel about me or what they say about me, whether they are my friends, my colleagues and even my family was absolutely life changing.  With acceptance comes change and it is our own individual responsibility to make ourselves completely happy in our lives.  No one person can make us well-rounded and happy if we are not happy first with ourselves.

That being said TMF Readers, my new mantra, love me or hate me….THIS IS WHO I AM!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

RECIPE FOR LOVE

“Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.”  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

A little bit of me and a whole lot of you.  Add a dash of starlight and a dozen roses, too.  Then let it rise for a hundred years or two.  It doesn’t need sugar ’cause it’s already sweet.  It doesn’t need an oven ’cause it’s got a lot of heat.  Just add a dash of kisses to make it all complete, and that’s the recipe for making love.  

The truth in Harry Connick, Jr. words to his song “A Recipe for Love” stated above says it all.  Allowing yourself to receive love is just as important as giving love.  More importantly, another important ingredient to the Recipe for Love is to believe in your love which is profound to any marriage.  Of course, there will be times when conflict rears its ugly head but it is how you deal with those conflicts that matter the most.   For example, it is super important to remember that you love your spouse so this simple or maybe not so simple argument will not break you.  Be mindful at all times that you can work through anything together.  Trust in your love.  Show your commitment to your partner by making sure he or she knows that breaking up or leaving is not an option.  Share your goals so that you stay on the same page and understand one another’s direction.

Keep your love alive, vibrant and healthy by showing appreciation for your spouse and reminding yourself why you fell in love.  Do something every single day to show your appreciation for your spouse.  This does not mean you have to send flowers, etc. every day, but simple gestures such as leave each other text messages or notes on the pillow, passionate hugs and soft kisses work too.  These small love gestures remind us of how important we are to each other.

Remember TMF readers, the smallest things you do will leave the biggest impression on your marriage, remarriage and relationships.  It is truly one of the biggest components in the recipe of love.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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