How Choice Plays A Vital Role In Our Relationships

In my coaching practice, I come across clients all of the time that are in conflict and need help with their blended family issues.  Most of the time, their frustrations simply come from the choices that they are deciding to make or not to make which end up causing most of the hardship in their relationships.  For example, in remarriage, the biggest problem I come across with my clients is the issue of discipline.  9 times out of 10 the clients cannot agree, and they refuse to agree to disagree on this issue.   Resentment builds in one or both parties, the issue continues to be swept under the rug and by choosing to not to get on the same page, they are ultimately making a choice that may end up ruining or eventually ending their marriage.

Let’s talk about why choice plays such an important role in our relationships.  We have to understand that as life partners we always have a choice in how we live in our relationships.  With that, we may not always like our choices but part of being life partners is knowing that as we make these unavoidable choices we open certain other possibilities and we close the door on others.  For example, if we make the choice to allow our children or stepchildren to run the household, disrespect our spouse and never come to an agreement on the rules and what behaviors will and will not be tolerated in our household, then we close the door to trust and communication with our spouse.  We have to choose to handle these situations not just to ensure that our relationships stay sound but to help our children as well.

I once read that choice follows awareness.  Teaching our children this is so important.  The most effective way to teach them this is by example.  Every time we make a choice for our families as a couple, whether good or bad, it will produce a consequence.  When we hold that we choose what happens in our relationships it is only then that we take full ownership over them.

TMF Readers, remember, marriage is a marathon not a sprint.  In our relationships and through our family issues, when you find yourself not seeing the difference between your choices and you are finding it easy to make your spouse “wrong” instead of holding yourself to the fact that you made a choice too,  your relationship will suffer.  Realizing that our individual choices play a role as well in our issues is key.  Take time to communicate to your spouse the choices you two are making individually and as a couple which affect your relationship.  Having this awareness will give you power and you will avoid taking the easy way out but will make room for more open communication and togetherness.

Peace & Blessings,

Diane

The New Wife – Reader’s Question

I also like to post my readers’ questions every now and then just to give you insight regarding everyone else’s blended family issues. I am truly not alone! Blended families are now more common than so called “traditional” families, and we experience many, many issues. Check out my reader’s issue and let me know what you think.

 Reader’s Question:

This is a GREAT article…

I am having a HUGE issue in my new marriage… My wife has been taking a more and more aggressive tact with my kids (7-year old twins, she has an 11-year old daughter).. It’s leading to major weekly conflict as it has gotten to the point where she only interacts with them in a disciplinary manner and not even a caring matter.It has gotten to the point this week where I said I don’t thin I can be with someone who cant at least be civil to my children and have asked her NUMEROUS times now to let me discipline my kids since her method is so harsh. We did see some of this before we married but It seems to be getting worse.Her idea of “fixing” the problem is to simply stop having the contact level we do now as a blended family. So when we have the kids, I do my thing with my kids and she does her thing with her daughter. In my view this is nothing more than AVOIDING the issue rather than trying to address it.

 Any thoughts??? HELP

My Response:

Hi,

First off, thanks so much for reading my blog as well as taking the time to leave a comment. I appreciate that because it is one of the primary reasons that I write on my blog.

Now on to your question…I completely understand your current situation because I was in a similar situation at the beginning of my marriage. I think often times we as parents are too consumed with our feelings that we forget to think about the children that exist within the blended family. When I married my husband, we had two boys (mine and his), both the same age and equipped with their own set of issues; mainly due to divorce and our new family. Because I spent the majority of time with the boys, I thought I just needed to get them under control. I didn’t care how they felt. I just wanted them to do as I said so that my house wasn’t a complete zoo, all of the time. In doing so, however, I will admitt that I made the problem worse. I had to realize that the world these children had known had completely changed. As such, there was going to be an adjustment period. So, I, as the adult, had to put my own feelings aside to try and help MY children through this. Simply put, I had to be more understanding and sympathetic to my children’s feelings and needs. In addition to that, my husband and I were having the same issues. What helped us to get through it was (I know you’ve heard this before) COMMUNICATION. Through my husband’s eyes I was only interacting with his son in a disciplinary manner. But, to me, there was always an issue that needed discipline, and I couldn’t just let his son do whatever he wanted to because he was hurting. I didn’t want to only interact with him in this manner. And, it didn’t help that he (my husband) was always attacking (that’s the way I felt) me when it came to the issue.

Usually, there is a deeper issue that causes these types of issues to manifest within the blended family. Many times it’s our insecurities that cause us to avoid looking at the entire picture. We are always quick to assume that the other parent isn’t being fair due to a non-biological connection. It’s that innate, protective instinct that we have as parents. It not only takes time for blended family children to trust us as adults, but it takes an equal amount of time for us to trust each other, especially when it comes to our respective children.

Having said that, I would encourage you to speak to your wife about her feelings before you give up. By that same token, make sure you convey your feelings as well. Once you’ve figured out the core issues, try creating that co-parenting policy that I talked about in the post. Remember, that you must create a household that works cohesively, from this point on. You are husband and wife, and although you had your respective children with other people, these are your children together. And, those children will need and depend on all of their parents to raise them. You must work together to solve issues of discipline.

I hope that I’ve helped in some way. Be sure to check back in with me to let me know how things are going. Hang in there. Believe it or not, it can get better.

Sincerely,

 Kela Price

Blended Family Discipline

Blending a family isn’t easy and it can present a unique set of challenges when discipline is concerned. Co-parenting requires not only cooperation between the responsible parents, but it also requires consistent discipline. Often times even biological parents will have differing views when it comes to disciplining their child. But, these differences are usually magnified times 10 within the blended family unit. They can sometimes destroy a marriage, if they aren’t properly dealt with from the beginning.

*Co-Parenting means that with one another, together, both parents should parent all the children in the household.

Initially, I would suggest that the primary role of disciplinarian be awarded to the biological parent. Keep in mind that the child has had years of dealing with one parent’s approach to discipline and will need time to adjust. Therefore, issues such as: room cleaning, bed times, homework time, curfews, etc., should be left up to his/her biological parent. Having said that, there are certain behaviors that should not be tolerated by either parent, from the very beginning. For example, if little Tiffany is mouthing off, rolling eyes, talking back or being plain old disrespectful, her stepfather shouldn’t have to wait until her mother gets home before reprimanding her. If she was doing this at school or anywhere else that respect for adults and authority figures is expected, there would be consequences. And, that teacher would not wait until mom or dad showed up to enforce those consequences. As stated in my other articles, “it is essential that you demand the same positive behavior that the child had prior to the divorce.” Otherwise you will be giving the child an excuse (the divorce) to act out. She shouldn’t be allowed to be disrespectful because she doesn’t like her new stepparent and/or is still bitter about the divorce. The adults in the house should always retain their roles as adults and should never reverse those roles out of guilt.

At any rate, during the “grace period,” parents should develop a co-parenting policy that should help decrease conflict when it comes to discipline and other issues of the household. The policy should contain the following: bed times, homework time, dinner time, curfews, household chores, allowances, etc. It should also contain mutually agreed upon rules and consequences. This policy should be discussed, in depth, with each child of the household. This will ensure that each child knows what is expected of them and the consequences of broken rules. Therefore, it is essential that both parents stick to the policy at all times. In the blended family, you cannot rely on spontaneous reaction to the child’s behavior problem. This policy will also help you, as parents, present a unified front when it comes to discipline, thereby decreasing conflict between you when these issues arise.

More Tips

1. Don’t expect your step-child/ren to instantly love or even like you. Children need time to adjust to the loss (in a way) of a parent as well as a world that they have always known. Be respectful of their feelings and try to avoid forced relationships.
2. Keep parental conflict, disagreements and inconsistent discipline away from children. Being exposed to the above can cause emotional and behavioral problems. Children begin to think that they can do whatever they want. When this happens, they begin to implement their “divide and conquer” strategy by telling the other parent, grandparent, aunt, or whoever will listen, what the mean old stepparent did to them.
3. Always remain a parent and never reverse those roles out of guilt. Mostly moms have a difficult time with this one because they don’t want anybody scolding (even if necessary) their baby. As such, they will begin to make excuses like, “she just cursed you out because she’s hormonal.” When you make excuses for what you know to be bad, inappropriate and/or unacceptable behavior, you are no longer being the parent.
4. Don’t try to replace the child/ren’s biological parent. Although it may be difficult at times, children need to have their relationships with their biological parents supported by you. You are to act as an additional parental figure, but not attempt to totally replace the other parent.
5. NEVER EVER allow any and everybody to come in and discipline your child/ren! Matters of discipline should only be entertained by individuals who you will be in a committed marital relationship with. Doing anything else will be creating an unstable environment for your child/ren. That person may not even be around tomorrow. This will not only help to build resentment towards you, but for any future mate whom you do decide to actually tie the knot with.
6. Before you even think about allowing someone else to step in and co-parent with you, ask yourself these questions:
   

• What kind of expectations do you and your potential spouse have of each other?
• How do you view each others’ roles in your new family?
• How will decisions, regarding your family, be made?

Finally, don’t take everything too personally, and don’t always assume that your child’s behavior issues are due to your new blended family. I often made this mistake myself, but I’ve learned that children are going to be children. Just because your child stomps out of the room acting as if you tore his or her whole world a part, doesn’t mean that they literally feel that way. It also doesn’t mean it’s because you remarried. My parents were married for nearly 30 years prior to my father’s passing, and they were both my biological parents. Yet, I can remember stomping out of the room; saying (to myself) I hate you; and feeling like they were both so unfair when consequences were enforced. As such, be mindful that these things would likely happen if you were married to your child’s biological parent, and don’t beat yourself up about it. Remember, that your job as parents is to attempt to raise responsible adults. It is not about getting them to approve of all of your choices.