Reader’s Question…How do I fix my relationship with my ex-spouse?

Hello,

I have two challenges that I could use some help with….
I have been divorced since May ‘08. My ex is presently in Mexico getting remarried. They called tonight to leave a message for our 7 year old daughter. After her message, their phone line did not cut off and the machine taped several minutes of them bad mouthing me and making comparative and hurtful statements. (These were all perspectives on me, our relationship and the break-up that I had never heard before.) When we split, my ex had been more compassionate and insightful about our relationship and seemed to view it within a holistic context in which we each shared responsibility in both its success and “failure”. We are already relating poorly and now I really feel like I cannot trust him (them). How can we move out of this when our perspectives are so radically different?

The second challenge is in our child custody arrangement (and relates to the first challenge as well). My ex is an ER doc. He argued that he cannot commit to a regular schedule as his shifts are inconsistent. He also has never felt strongly about maintaining a relationship with our daughter- feeling like he couldn’t do it because of his work- and, that the adoption was my idea and he didn’t really want to do it. He couldn’t quite admit this in court so he did agree to average 10 days a month with her. When he is with her, he seems to enjoy his time and she enjoys being with him. What’s happened is that he gets looser and looser with following through. (Doesn’t let us know his schedule until the last minute, doesn’t follow through with his agreements, schedules trips without coordinating as agreed…) When confronted, he rebels. His words and actions don’t match. Out of frustration, I said I was ready to go back to court to establish a consistent schedule so that we would all know what to expect and could plan our lives. He reacted by stating he would argue for physical custody (which I now have) and would stop paying child support. So, its all or nothing. How can I work with this while maintaining some boundaries for our daughter and myself?

BTW, these entanglements are similar to ones I had hoped to divorce myself from in the marriage. I really thought that the divorce decree would provide more structure and I would have more autonomy. Ironically, I still feel controlled.

My Response:

Thanks for visiting BFSO!

First off, let me assure you that I can identify with how you feel as I have been where you are. I’m sorry that you are experiencing the same pain.

I can understand you being a little, well maybe even a lot, upset by the comments you overheard your ex and his new wife saying. It’s always hurtful to hear someone saying things that aren’t so nice about us. That being said, I’m an avid believer in truly accepting your reality. The reality is that even though you may not have heard these things before doesn’t mean that your ex never felt this way. It only means that he was ‘kind’ enough not to say it to your face. If you’re really honest with yourself, I’m certain that you’ve said some not so nice things about him, too. After all, you said that you two were already relating poorly, so don’t be too quick to blame this one phone call (that you weren’t even supposed to hear) on your inability to trust him at this point. That phone call has nothing to do with the child and if you have any chance at co-parenting effectively, you must learn to separate the two. I tell all of my divorced parents to be conscious of “I” versus “our child” statements. If all of the statements out of your mouth are…”I was hurt when you…,” “I didn’t like it when you…,” “It makes me sad when you…,” then how you’re feeling probably has more to do with you than with your child. Your perspective on how your relationship ended bears no relevance in how you move forward to raise your daughter. One has nothing to do with the other and you must adopt this mentality if you want a chance at co-parenting effectively in the future.

That being said, this next issue is definitely about your daughter. Children definitely benefit from consistent meaningful contact with both parents. I can certainly understand, however, his work schedule, as an ER doctor generally isn’t a 9 to 5 profession. What was your husband’s work schedule like before the divorce? Did he consistently spend quality time with your daughter when you were married? If not, it isn’t realistic to think that he would change when you divorce. I’m certainly not condoning his behavior. I’m simply trying to get you to accept your reality. When we truly accept our reality we know how to move forward. But if you have a false sense of reality, your expectations will likely far exceed what they should.

I was in your position at one point, too. My ex was and honestly, still is (from a physical and emotional standpoint), very inconsistent. He is an overseas basketball player and he too blames his actions on his work schedule. I used to fight, but now I just don’t anymore. The court order, fighting, or trying to civilly communicate hasn’t changed him and never will. I realized that he has to make that decision all on his own and hope that our son is here to receive him when and if that happens.

Sherri, there really is no easy answer to setting boundaries for you and your daughter. Yes, the divorce decree is SUPPOSED to provide more structure but that only happens when both parents mutually agree to put their child’s interest above their own. It simply doesn’t work, if you both aren’t on the same page. And, there is ALWAYS compromise involved when trying to get on the same page. You can’t expect him to meet you where you are and he can’t expect the same of you. You BOTH are going to have to make some concessions in order for you to communicate effectively enough to co-parent! Also, be advised that it hasn’t even been a year and it’s going to take some time to move past the hurt and to a peaceful existence. Often times, when we are stewing over hurt feelings we don’t focus on what’s right because we don’t want to. It’s a natural human reaction to being hurt and pissed off. Allow you both to have some time to move past it instead of assuming that you are automatically going to be the loving happy divorced parents who co-parent their child perfectly. Trust me, it takes time to get to that point, if you even arrive at that point at all. It’s all about accepting your reality.

So, my suggestion would be to try to COMMUNICATE with instead of CONFRONTING your ex-husband. When you confront someone it automatically puts them on the defensive. Remember, you’re not interested in being right or attacking him. Your main goal is to communicate, with an intent to understand, so that you can begin to co-parent your daughter in a manner that is most beneficial to her. You set the tone for how things are to going operate from this point on.

I hope I’ve helped, Sherri. Please feel free to shoot me an email at kela@blendedfamilysoapopera.com, or respond to this message, if you need clarification on any of my points.

Warmly,

*Kela*

The Forgotten Stepson

It’s been quite a while since we’ve seen K. We hear from him everyday, but it’s been a long time (over a year) since we’ve seen him. Although we miss him terribly, it gets easier and easier as the time passes. It’s sad that we’re getting used to not having him around. Honestly, you can only cry, fight and throw childlike tantrums for so long. At some point you just have to move on with your life and that’s what we’ve decided to do. Even my husband is getting used to not seeing him. It’s getting to the point that I’m uncertain as to how our family will adjust when and if he does come back to our home. It’ll sort of be like we’re adopting an older child who is coming to live with us for the first time. So much has changed since we’ve seen him and I’m sure he has changed as well. It will be like learning each other all over again. I wish his mother knew how her actions may have totally changed the bond that we’ve formed as a family, and how that will affect not only us collectively, but her child, individually.

Chris Brown’s Stepfather Speaks Out

The story of Chris Brown’s blended family is another example of how a blended family can go horribly wrong! This is also proof that children live what they learn (as Diane always says).

This story was found in OK Magazine.

Donnelle Hawkins, the stepfather Chris Brown said he wanted to kill over his treatment of his mother, now says he’s not surprised that Chris is in trouble for allegedly beating up girlfriend Rihanna, and that he never hit the superstar’s mother.

“I never once raised my hand to his mother,” Donnelle says. “It just never happened.”

However, in a 2007 interview, Chris told a different side of the story: “He used to hit my mom… He made me terrified all the time, terrified like I had to pee on myself,” Chris revealed. “I remember one night he made her nose bleed. I was crying and thinking, ‘I’m just gonna go crazy on him one day…’ I hate him to this day.”

Donnelle, who is blind after accidentally shooting himself in the eye during an argument with Joyce Brown Hawkins, says Chris is blaming the wrong person.

“I believe that Chris is making these allegations because it is a way of not accepting responsibility of his own actions. Somebody has to be at fault, the scapegoat, and who else but me?” says Donnelle. “He blames me for taking his mom away from his dad, even though it didn’t happen like that. Whatever issues he has, whether he thinks they come from me or not, he needs to get help for, get counseling.”

He also denies hitting Chris, saying he only spanked him one time in the seven years they lived together in Tappahannock, Va.

“The one time I did raise my hand to spank him I guess he was 11 and he started hitting his mother,” Donnelle insists. “I felt it was time for me to step up and do what I needed to do to stop the situation.”

Of hearing that Chris had been arrested for alleged domestic assault, Donnelle says, “It was sad news. I’m sympathetic for Christopher and Rihanna. It’s an unfortunate incident that neither one of them deserved or should have encountered.”

I send them my prayers. And Chris in particularly, I’m very proud of his success, but whatever issues he has, whether they are the ones you claim came from me or whatever the situations are, you just need to focus on that and get counseling and the help that you need. We, as your fans and people that know you, don’t want to hear of anything like this again. And whatever resentment or hatred he has towards me I just pray that it will stop.”

 My Two Cents: Clearly Mr. Donelle Hawkins is lying when claiming never to have even raised a hand to Chris’s mother. Most people don’t shoot themselves in the eye while arguing with their wife. Most people don’t argue with guns in their hands. If you are, you are clearly a violent person and Mr. Hawkins, you should hold yourself accountable for the role you played in Chris’s life that led him to this point.

Chris Brown, remember that your past circumstances do not define who you are. You can make a choice not to be your stepfather. You didn’t have much power back then, but now that you’re all grown up, you have the power to be responsible for your own choices. You can choose to be a different person at this point. If you continue to do what you learned, you are still giving him that power over you. Keep reminding yourself that he no longer possesses it [power].

BFSO wishes all the best to both Rhianna AND Chris. Although we don’t condone domestic violence for ANY reason, we realize that in this situation, Chris Brown in a victim, too. Rhianna is a victim of Chris Brown and Chris is a victim of his stepfather. We hope that they BOTH seek counseling to work out their respective issues.

What Should I Do? I need my BFSO Advisory Board!

I have an issue that I’d like to reach out to the BFSO Advisory Board (that’s you readers, by the way) for advice on. It’s about my ex and his relationship with our son. Most of you know, by reading the blog, that my ex is an overseas basketball player and has been since I was pregnant with our son. As such, he’s been living out of the country ever since our son was born and he’s now 11. As a result, they pretty much don’t have a meaningful relationship. My ex wants to change that and so do I, but we clash on how to do so. He is only in the states about 8 weeks, maybe a little more on occasion, out of the entire year and has been since I was pregnant. Therefore, my son has never had the opportunity to develop a meaningful bond with him. It took my son a long while before he actually wanted to go over to their house, without being forced.  Over the past few years, however, it has gotten better; especially since his wife and son stay behind while he goes to Spain to play basketball. It has allowed my son to spend more time in his second home, with his second mom and little brother. Now, he loves to spend as much time with them [his second mom and brother] as he can, and I certainly don’t mind. As a matter of fact, my husband and I are both very happy that he asks to go over every weekend, holiday or whenever he has a break from school. It confirms that his second mom really makes him feel at home when he’s there.  I thank God for that…what a relief! The problems occur when my ex returns for his 8 week visit. My son almost instantly withdraws and doesn’t want to go over.  Last summer, he even said, “I’ll just wait until dad leaves before I go over there again.” When I asked him why he said that he just didn’t feel comfortable when his dad was there. He said that he’d like for him (his dad) to get to know him better.

Let me explain…my son is a highly intelligent, straight A student. He started booting up the computer (on his own) and playing educational games at age 18 months, putting together 100 piece puzzles before age 2 and reading, fluently, by age 3. He’s our brainiac who loves anything having to do with science. Some of our conversations are even over my head! Additionally, he’s the sweetest, most kind-hearted, compassionate, wise individual (not kid, but person) that you’d ever meet. Most people (his teachers, friends’ parents, etc) literally compare him to Ghandi. His bio-dad, on the other hand, is a jock. He’s the professional basketball player, who like most (I don’t mean to stereotype, but it’s true) are self-absorbed individuals, who think that world starts and stops around their schedule because they play basketball. Are you starting to see how the two completely clash??

With that said, I can really tell, especially since my ex is getting older and finally growing up, that he desires a more meaningful relationship with our son. But, he wants our son to do so on his terms. He thinks that by forcing him to stay the entire summer (the 8 weeks that he’s here) that their relationship will automatically improve. I told him that forcing him would potentially do more harm than good. By the time my son gets over the shock of being forced to stay in an environment that he’s not comfortable in, it’s time for the ex to skip town again, for a year, and they get to do it all over again the next summer. I explained to him that forcing him to be with him will not do any good until he decides to stay put for more than 8 weeks in the summer. Additionally, being a parent is much more than just having him in the house with you. You have to spend time with him and even do things that he wants to do at times.  And, because you’ve never had an opportunity to bond, alone time is essential as well.  My ex just doesn’t get it at this point. I will say, however, that I can really tell that he’s making a concerted effort to understand where I’m coming from. I’m so happy that although we don’t agree on everything or even always understand each other’s points of view, we both talk about it like adults and then attempt to work out an optimal solution. And, at the end of the day, we both really want what’s best for our son. What a blessing to have finally arrived at this point!

My question for the BFSO Advisory Board is, should I force my son to stay the 8 weeks in the summer, if he doesn’t want to? Legally, I am not obligated to do so because the judge ordered that he give 60 days notice prior to arriving in the states, which he has never done because he said that he just can’t. However, I’m always flexible with the parenting time schedule and allow my son to see his dad and/or second mom as much as he wants. My thoughts are that if dad were doing everything that he was supposed to do, we wouldn’t have to force him. I’ve told him to call regularly, not just from time to time. Use email to communicate with him on a regular basis. I even suggested a webcam for more frequent contact. But, he’s acted on none of my suggestions. Why should I be flexible and bend over backwards to achieve this goal [my son spending more time with him], and why should my son be forced to be uncomfortable, if dad can’t hold up his end of the bargain? Whether it be because he can’t or isn’t willing? What do you readers think?

Blended Family Discipline

Blending a family isn’t easy and it can present a unique set of challenges when discipline is concerned. Co-parenting requires not only cooperation between the responsible parents, but it also requires consistent discipline. Often times even biological parents will have differing views when it comes to disciplining their child. But, these differences are usually magnified times 10 within the blended family unit. They can sometimes destroy a marriage, if they aren’t properly dealt with from the beginning.

*Co-Parenting means that with one another, together, both parents should parent all the children in the household.

Initially, I would suggest that the primary role of disciplinarian be awarded to the biological parent. Keep in mind that the child has had years of dealing with one parent’s approach to discipline and will need time to adjust. Therefore, issues such as: room cleaning, bed times, homework time, curfews, etc., should be left up to his/her biological parent. Having said that, there are certain behaviors that should not be tolerated by either parent, from the very beginning. For example, if little Tiffany is mouthing off, rolling eyes, talking back or being plain old disrespectful, her stepfather shouldn’t have to wait until her mother gets home before reprimanding her. If she was doing this at school or anywhere else that respect for adults and authority figures is expected, there would be consequences. And, that teacher would not wait until mom or dad showed up to enforce those consequences. As stated in my other articles, “it is essential that you demand the same positive behavior that the child had prior to the divorce.” Otherwise you will be giving the child an excuse (the divorce) to act out. She shouldn’t be allowed to be disrespectful because she doesn’t like her new stepparent and/or is still bitter about the divorce. The adults in the house should always retain their roles as adults and should never reverse those roles out of guilt.

At any rate, during the “grace period,” parents should develop a co-parenting policy that should help decrease conflict when it comes to discipline and other issues of the household. The policy should contain the following: bed times, homework time, dinner time, curfews, household chores, allowances, etc. It should also contain mutually agreed upon rules and consequences. This policy should be discussed, in depth, with each child of the household. This will ensure that each child knows what is expected of them and the consequences of broken rules. Therefore, it is essential that both parents stick to the policy at all times. In the blended family, you cannot rely on spontaneous reaction to the child’s behavior problem. This policy will also help you, as parents, present a unified front when it comes to discipline, thereby decreasing conflict between you when these issues arise.

More Tips

1. Don’t expect your step-child/ren to instantly love or even like you. Children need time to adjust to the loss (in a way) of a parent as well as a world that they have always known. Be respectful of their feelings and try to avoid forced relationships.
2. Keep parental conflict, disagreements and inconsistent discipline away from children. Being exposed to the above can cause emotional and behavioral problems. Children begin to think that they can do whatever they want. When this happens, they begin to implement their “divide and conquer” strategy by telling the other parent, grandparent, aunt, or whoever will listen, what the mean old stepparent did to them.
3. Always remain a parent and never reverse those roles out of guilt. Mostly moms have a difficult time with this one because they don’t want anybody scolding (even if necessary) their baby. As such, they will begin to make excuses like, “she just cursed you out because she’s hormonal.” When you make excuses for what you know to be bad, inappropriate and/or unacceptable behavior, you are no longer being the parent.
4. Don’t try to replace the child/ren’s biological parent. Although it may be difficult at times, children need to have their relationships with their biological parents supported by you. You are to act as an additional parental figure, but not attempt to totally replace the other parent.
5. NEVER EVER allow any and everybody to come in and discipline your child/ren! Matters of discipline should only be entertained by individuals who you will be in a committed marital relationship with. Doing anything else will be creating an unstable environment for your child/ren. That person may not even be around tomorrow. This will not only help to build resentment towards you, but for any future mate whom you do decide to actually tie the knot with.
6. Before you even think about allowing someone else to step in and co-parent with you, ask yourself these questions:
   

• What kind of expectations do you and your potential spouse have of each other?
• How do you view each others’ roles in your new family?
• How will decisions, regarding your family, be made?

Finally, don’t take everything too personally, and don’t always assume that your child’s behavior issues are due to your new blended family. I often made this mistake myself, but I’ve learned that children are going to be children. Just because your child stomps out of the room acting as if you tore his or her whole world a part, doesn’t mean that they literally feel that way. It also doesn’t mean it’s because you remarried. My parents were married for nearly 30 years prior to my father’s passing, and they were both my biological parents. Yet, I can remember stomping out of the room; saying (to myself) I hate you; and feeling like they were both so unfair when consequences were enforced. As such, be mindful that these things would likely happen if you were married to your child’s biological parent, and don’t beat yourself up about it. Remember, that your job as parents is to attempt to raise responsible adults. It is not about getting them to approve of all of your choices.

Now Let’s Talk About My Ex

All of my posts have mainly been about one side of my dysfunctional blended family, and that’s the side that includes my husband, his ex-wife, and their son.  Because I never want to insinuate that all my blended family issues are unilateral in nature, I feel it’s only fair to discuss the other side of my blended family. Although we don’t have nearly as many problems with my ex as we do with my husband’s, there’s still quite a bit to talk about.

So, now let’s talk about my ex, who is my son’s biological father. The reason I emphasize that he is my son’s biological father is because when I do refer to my son’s father most know that I am referring to the man that has raised him for the past 7 of his 11 years, and that’s my husband.

At any rate, my ex is a professional basketball player (overseas) who has been physically absent from my son’s life since he was in the womb.  We were together for nearly 6 years, including the first few years of my son’s life, but we parted ways when my son was 3 years old. Even though we were technically together for the first few years of our son’s life, my son never saw him as daddy because we lived in separate countries for 10 months out of the year. When I met my current husband is when my son finally started to experience life with a full-time father, and my ex was livid. He didn’t want another man to be involved with his son in a way that he couldn’t be out of fear that he might be replaced, and he surely was. My husband became actively involved in my son’s life. He coached him in basketball, baseball and soccer; attended school plays; had father/son time which is still referred to as bachelor night; and overall, was a prominent male figure in his life. After about 2 years my son started referring to my husband as dad. At that point, my ex’s ego had gotten the best of him and he petitioned the court claiming that I was keeping my son away from him and teaching him to call another man dad. However, he neglected to reveal to the Judge that his only involvement, since birth, in my son’s life was/is 8 weeks out of every year. Furthermore, he also didn’t tell the Judge that he lied to the court about how much money he was making so that he didn’t have to pay a fair amount of child support. Additionally, he had never attended a soccer, basketball, baseball game, school play, teacher’s conference, nor had he ever taken him to the doctor, attended a birthday party or any other normal activity that real parents participate in. So, my attorney and I decided that we would just let him hang himself as we knew the Judge would ask such questions, and she did.

The Judge was appauled by the fact that my ex had wasted all of our time bringing such a matter to court knowing that he was not nor had he ever been a father to my son. She told him that it was bad enough that he could not be physically present in his son’s life, but he had enough nerve to try to cheat him financially, and try to enforce ridiculous rules on my life (meaning, he couldn’t call any other man dad, but him). The Judge bascially laughed after throwing the book at him and calling him a poor excuse for a man.  As a result, my ex is partly financially responsible for my son’s daily care, but he is still physically absent from his life. Although he still struggles with another man raising his son, after 7 years he is learning to accept it. We don’t have nearly as many heated unproductive discussions about it now as we did 7 years ago.

But, now we are entering the next phase of our blended family which I will call unanswered questions. I always told my ex to be careful of the decisions that he made regarding our son because he wasn’t always going to be a baby. I explained to him that when he got older he was going to have questions regarding his absence from his life. Well, at age 11, we have now arrived at that point. My son wants to know why everyone and everything else has always been more important than him. And although he loves his stepmom (who we’ll talk about in another post) and his little half brother, he is very angry with and disappointed in his biological father. So, my husband and I constantly reassure him that he has a mother and a father who adore him and have always been and will always be there for him. I used to try and tell him that his biological father still loves him even though he is not present, but that doesn’t work anymore. Additionally, I don’t feel like I should have to make excuses for his behavior. He needs to be telling him the things that my husband and I do. As such, my husband and I only speak for ourselves and reaffirm our love for him.

So here’s a message to all of you father’s out there: Remember that if the choices you make regarding your child turn out to negatively affect him, it’s nobody’s fault but yours. Don’t blame your ex and tell everyone that she’s keeping the child away from you. Instead, take responsibility for your actions, be consistent in your child’s life and communicate with your ex.