Top 25 New Year’s Resolutions Every Stepfamily Should Make

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Stepmother Should Make:

1. I will carve out 30 minutes a day just for me. Whether it’s taking a walk, reading a book, relaxing in a bubble bath or watching my favorite television show, I will make sure to make some “ME” time.
2. I will resolve not to make EVERYBODY IN THE STEPFAMILY’S problems my own by focusing on “fixing” something that I didn’t break in the first place.
3. I will not force the issue of being one big happy family and instead, allow my relationship with my stepchildren to naturally evolve (whether that takes 2 years or 10 years).
4. I will support my husband and offer advice when and if necessary, but ultimately allow him to handle issues with his ex-wife and trust that he will make decisions that are best for our marriage and family.
5. I will not blame the ex-wife for issues that MY HUSBAND can control. For example, if he goes over to fix her kitchen sink, I won’t be upset with her for asking. I’ll be upset with HIM for going.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Divorced Mom Should Make:

1. I will NOT make my issues with the divorce, my ex-husband’s remarriage and/or his wife, my childrens’ issues.
2. I will reclaim and embrace my sense of independence.
3. I will carve out 30 minutes a day just for me. Whether it’s taking a walk, reading a book, relaxing in a bubble bath or watching my favorite television show, I will make sure to make some “ME” time.
4. I will not intrude upon or attempt to control my ex-husband’s household just because my children go over for visitation.
5. I will encourage and support my childrens’ relationships with their father, stepmother and any half or step-siblings that they have.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Remarried Dad Should Make:

1. I will demand the same positive behavior from my children that I did prior to the divorce and not overcompensate out of guilt. No more permissive parenting!
2. I will honor and protect my marriage and not allow any issues that I encounter with my ex-wife to wreak havoc on my marriage.
3. I will realize that I don’t have to share every little thing with my ex-wife just because we share children together. She does not get an all access pass into my life just because we share a child, no matter how she tries to convince me otherwise.
4. I will nurture my marriage instead of nurturing my divorce.
5. I will never take my wife for granted and make every effort to understand her position in our family.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Divorced Parents Should Make:

1. We will work to communicate effectively in order to co-parent our children.
2. We realize that divorce means that although we are co-parenting partners, we are no longer life partners, and it’s completely okay for us to lead totally separate lives.
3. We will emotionally disengage ourselves from the divorce and each other, and allow our intellect, not our emotions to dictate what’s best for our children.
4. Whenever possible, we will work to be on the same page regarding discipline and other areas in which we need to present a unified front for our children.
5. We will not work tirelessly to alter our childrens’ reality and instead, move past the divorce so that our children can do the same.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Remarried Couple Should Make:

1. We will carve out at least one night per month that is just for us. Whether it is sitting at home watching our favorite movie, going out for dinner and a movie or just sitting by the fire and talking, we will make sure that we have date night.
2. We will not allow our respective emotional baggage and the drama of our divorces to consume every aspect of our marriage.
3. We will realize that maintaining our present marriage is much more important that “fixing” our divorces.
4. We will make decisions that affect our household together and realize that neither one of our ex-spouses get a vote on certain matters.
5. We will develop a co-parenting policy for our household and work to present a unified front to any children that reside there, be it part-time or full-time.

Overall, stepfamilies should use the new year to start fresh and focus on moving forward instead of constantly looking back. Remember, to learn from your past, but don’t live in it and then move on! It is what’s healthy for everyone, including your children.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Top Quotes of 2009 from BFSO writers and friends

We here at Blended Family Soap Opera are excited about the upcoming year! We look forward to providing more information, products and services to many modern families. From stepfamilies to single parent homes and from households with same sex parents to grandparents raising grandchildren, we aim to reach a wider range of modern families in the months to come.

That being said, we have immensely enjoyed the past year and a half and are so blessed to have received the support we have received thus far. From readers to guest bloggers, we want you to know that we have learned from each and everyone of you, too! As a matter of fact, we have included some memorable quotes from not only our BFSO writers, but from readers and guest bloggers as well. Check them out below and know that we look forward to continuing our connection with you in 2010.

Top Quotes of 2009

1. “What you call yourselves and how people refer to you as a family greatly impacts your children, who are constantly trying to figure out where and how they fit into your modern family.” ~Kela Price
2. “Divorce can leave children feeling like defectors.” ~Diane Greene
3. “Divorce is war and unfortunately, some parents live in constant entanglements with their ex-spouses and they shift aside the issues that post-divorce can leave on the shoulders of their children.”  ~Diane Greene
4. “Divorce is a journey that the children involved do not ask to take. They are forced along for a ride where the results are dictated by the road their parents decide to travel.” ~Diane Greene
5. “Although stepfamilies rarely make as smooth transition as the Bradys, it is possible to successfully blend a family. It depends on how and when you start and what you put in the blender.” ~Kela Price
6. “Think of it as an important business project; you don’t always love the person that you’re working with, but you work together to get the project done. Co-parents need to adopt this same business model when co-parenting their children.” ~Kela Price
7. “There is this double standard by which we suspect stepmothers of being wicked and selfish, yet expect them to be utterly selfless and loving to kids who are not their own, kids who are often hostile and rejecting for many years in spite of a stepmother’s best efforts and intentions.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
8. “I prefer the term “wife” to “current wife” or “new wife.” It’s more accurate and less loaded, I think. There’s a wife and an ex-wife (or partner and ex-partner). Period.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
9. “Stepmothers need to put their own adjustment and self-care first, rather than siphoning energy away from that to “fix” something that you didn’t break yourself.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
10. “Put your own happiness, your own mental health and your marriage or partnership first and without guilt.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
11. “In my view, no one in this country should be able to practice family therapy without undertaking training and certification by a body such as the National Stepfamily Resource Center.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
12. “We have created a blended family culture centered around only one perspective and clearly, it’s not working.” ~Kela Price
13. “It’s important for wives and ex-wives to realize that you don’t have to be the arch rival or the best friend with the each other. There is a middle ground and often times, that’s the safest position to be in.” ~Kela Price
14. “It sickens me to believe that long ago, the women before us were able to collaboratively strive for success in the arenas of political activism and social justice. When they told us we couldn’t vote, we banned together. We also banned together to demand our respect amongst our male counterparts in corporate America. Yet, when it comes to what should be most important to us, our families, we just can’t seem to work together, or just refrain from trying to tear each other completely apart.” ~Kela Price
15. “Dealing with a failed relationship is like grieving a life you once knew, but will never have again, and that’s hard to deal with.” ~Kela Price
16. “The control efforts are part of the battle that some divorced parents need to avoid, including the subtle ones. Subtle suggestions that we are upset, dissatisfied with, or angry at the other parent… such as huffing at the mention of their name, going silent in a conversation that includes mention of them, snide gestures or facial expressions, subtle sarcasm then quick insincere apology, or allowing kids to “over hear” conversations between adults about the other parent with whom we are at odds are not overt badmouthing. They are far sneakier than that, but equally damaging.” ~Chaz,  Reader and Blogger,
17. “The role of best friend is truly an evolving relationship where two people choose to remain close because of the foundation of trust they have created. The current spouse/ex spouse relationship is not a choice, but it has been forced upon both parties with conflicting views and strong feelings of the person in the middle (ex husband/current husband).”  ~Jenny, reader
18. “Making sure the kids suffer the least amount of damage possible and that includes their stability in both households (chores and creating and/or maintaining relationships with all parents) truly takes ALL parents. It also decreases the children’s chances of using any “divide and conquer” strategies against their parents. When parents present a unified front, that child has boundaries and more importantly, he or she realizes that EVERYONE is working together for their best interest.” ~Kela Price
19. “As I’ve learned firsthand, a divorce decree (or any court order) is only as good as the people who have to abide by it. Unfortunately, threatening to take someone “back to court” isn’t much of a threat at all, and often ends up costing you more money (legal fees) and the judge simply telling the person to do what they are refusing to do in the first place with no other repercussions, but by then you’re months removed from the breach in the first place.” ~ Unheeded Prophetess, reader, attorney and blogger
20. “Divorce is hard. It’s difficult to close a chapter in a book that you thought you’d be writing forever, but it can be just as exciting and rewarding to write a whole new book.” ~Kela Price
21. “Check your emotional baggage before you board the plane [blended family]. This is not Southwest Airlines so you can check more than one bag. Now just because you can’t bring it on the plane doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t deal with it. You just have to deal with it in a way that doesn’t affect everyone else on the plane.” ~Kela Price
22. “After expectations comes acceptance.” ~Kela Price
23. “Life is too short not to live in peace.” ~Diane Greene
24. “The root cause of people pleasing is fear of rejection, and this fear can create a very damaging pattern of behavior in our lives. Setting healthy boundaries is learning when to say NO. Self-care, even for the stepmother, is not a wicked thing.” ~Kela Price
25. “It’s so important to offer good advice to stepmothers if we are ever to truly help stepfamilies flourish.” ~Kela Price
26. “Stepmothers, I urge you to take your power back. Your husband’s divorce was not your fault and it isn’t your responsibility to fix. You can be understanding and supportive without being everyone’s punching bag.” ~Kela Price
27. “Part of knowing ourselves is also being able to accept who we are and to value ourselves regardless of our flaws. Accepting who we are allows us to value our worth without conditions or reservations.” ~Diane Greene
28. “I do not like the title of counselor. I’d much rather be viewed as a friend who is willing to be an open book regarding her journey so that you can learn while on yours.” ~Kela Price
29. “The most important thing a remarried couple can do is intently listen and try to understand their spouse’s perception of reality.” ~Kela Price
30. “Don’t Stew! Good rarely comes of dwelling on problems.” ~Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness
31. “Fathers must be supported and encouraged in the family instead of being in continuous opposition with the mother and/or the legal system.” ~Kela Price
32. “Having a controlling, angry ex-spouse can make co-parenting seem like an extreme sport.” ~Kela Price
33. “Don’t blame yourself. Ending a marriage because your spouse comes out of the closet is one instance where you cannot be held at fault. Take whatever comfort you can in that.” ~Carol Schwanda, reader and blogger
34. “Blended families don’t fail, remarriages do.” ~Kela Price
35. “One of the most beneficial results of self-care is an increased ability to love others which allows us to care for ourselves more gently and completely.” ~Sue Patton Thoele, author of The Courage to be a Stepmom
36. “Children live what they learn.” ~Diane Greene
37. “Don’t marry someone who you can’t see yourself being divorced from.” ~Kela Price
38. “Mediation is no place to deal with hurt feelings. The purpose of the legal system, including the mediation process, is to provide resolution to true legal disputes, not to avenge wrongdoing, seek validation, or keep the other party in a person’s life (as dysfunctional as that involvement is).” ~Unheeded Prophetess, blogger, reader and attorney
39. “Is it more important and beneficial to show your kids what a healthy marriage or divorce looks like?” ~Kela Price
40. “In a society where 50% of first marriages and 67% of second marriages end in divorce, more time needs to be spent on nurturing our marriages as opposed to nurturing our divorces.” ~Kela Price
41. “To me, the difference between a good marriage and a great marriage is conviction.” ~Diane Greene
42. “The key to effective co-parenting is establishing realistic expectations and healthy boundaries, and to go slow and allow the relationships to organically evolve instead of forcing the issue of everyone being one big happy family.” ~Kela Price
43. “Creating traditions in the blended family promote unity and a sense of belonging.” ~Diane Greene
44. “Often times the adults want to use the children as excuses for pushing their way in, due to their own hidden agendas. Please be realistic and honest about your own agendas that have absolutely nothing to do with the child. You know that the child never benefits from having his whole family together, if they are constantly at each others’ throats.” ~Kela Price
45. “There is simply nothing like a fellow journeyer who has or is traveling the same road. All the kings horses and all the kings men could not help the compulsive behavior of alcoholics, yet when 2 drunks got together and began helping one another back in 1935, AA was born and spread throughout the world.” ~Chaz, reader and blogger

The Hidden Truth: A Father’s Journey-Part 1

In Part 1 of my article on bi-sexual fathers, I will be discussing the effects of being a bi-sexual father has on the children involved in their lives.  I will also be discussing a few of the issues gay fathers often face including stigmas, myths and prejudices in our society.  In Part 2 of my article, I will be interviewing a young man who has recently made an unremarkable journey in his life, realizing and coming to terms with the fact that he is bi-sexual.  He is a young father of two and an amazing, gifted young man.

In America, it wasn’t until the 1990’s that the gay community made a major appearance in our society.  Before then, gay men and lesbian women stayed “in the closet” because of the stigmas that society placed upon them.  Courts were reluctant to place children in the care of their father if he was gay even though research had shown that being gay had little or no effect on the development of a child’s identity.  Today, a lot has changed.  More and more gay men are adopting children and are even using surrogate mothers to have biological children.  There are thousands of gay men who have stepped up to the plate and are fostering children as well.

Unfortunately, a lot of people still feel that having a gay parent alienates a child’s ability to have a productive social experience and life.  However, as reported in USA Today, research has shown that gay parents who are open with their children about their sexual orientation, who exhibit mentally healthy behavior and provide supportive communities for their kids, tend to have the most resilient youngsters.

In the past, society pretty much ran homosexual or bi-sexual people through the wringer and placed unfair stereotypes upon them.  For example, one standing myth that has frequently reared its ugly head is that if a man is gay, he has to be a child molester because of his same sex attraction even though all the evidence, research and statistics prove that most crimes committed against children are committed by heterosexuals.  Another myth is the one in which I discussed above.  If you are a gay man, you will produce gay children.  Absolutely false.  There is a fabulous book that I am reading entitled Gay Fathers written by Robert Barrett and Bryan Robinson.  In the book, the authors list these additional myths about gay fathers:

·         Disturbed parental relationships myth:  Homosexuals, including gay fathers, have disturbed parental relationships (i.e., cold, rejecting fathers and emotionally smothering mothers);

·         Harassment exposure myth:  Gay fathers expose their children to harassment and embarrassment because of societal disapproval;

·         Sex-fiend myth:  The main goal in life for a gay father is primarily that of sexual gratification.

These are just a few of the myths listed in the book, but some of the most stunning in my opinion.  The truth of the matter is just as there are great heterosexual fathers, there are also great fathers that happen to be either bi-sexual or homosexual as well.  Just like there are bad heterosexual fathers, I am sure there are some homosexual fathers that fall into that same category.  Passing judgment on a gay man’s ability to be a good father just because he is gay or bi-sexual is not only unfair, but despicable.

In all types of families, children will have different experiences.  Children who have gay fathers will excel in life with the same opportunities that a child from a nuclear family will have.  Actually, children who have a gay or lesbian parent usually end up being more socially aware as teenagers and young adults.  They become more socially conscientious to the needs of people who are disadvantaged due to unfair prejudices, stereotypes and stigmas.  A child raised in an alternative marriage environment can be just as emotionally stable as a child who is raised by his mother and father in a traditional marriage.  As long as there is a supportive and loving environment, any child will excel.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of this article.  If you are a family in need of help on this topic, I highly suggest you pick up a copy of Gay Fathers by Messrs. Barret and Robinson at your local library.  It is an amazing, encouraging book and one that I will read again.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

BFSO Won an Awesome Girl Blog Award!

One of my favorite stepchicks, Erin, from the Erin Experiment and from the Stepfamily Letter Project just awarded BFSO with an Awesome Girl Blog Award! We were so honored and flattered by this award and the way the beautiful Erin described us. She said we were like Stepchicks meets the View, except with much better attitude and hair! We love it!

Now it’s our duty and privelege to pass the award on to a few of our favorite beautiful, spunky, sassy, blog lady favorites. Here we go…

1. Wednesday Martin is one of our favorite beautiful, spunky, sassy stepmoms. As the author of Stepmonster: A new look at why stepmothers think, feel, and act the way they do, she gives you permission to breathe and not feel guilty about certain “evil” feelings that most, if not all (they just don’t want to admit it) feel from time to time. As a matter of fact, she advocates for more understanding and sympathy of the stepmother; encouraging, experts, ex-wives, stepchildren, divorced dads and society as a whole, to take the stepmother’s feelings into consideration when trying to navigate through this maze we call a stepfamily. We love Wednesday!
2. The ladies of The Stepfamily Letter Project, which just happens to be Erin, from the Erin Experiment and Jacquelyn Fletcher, from Becoming a Stepmom, are some more of our favorite blog chicks. The Stepfamily Letter Project is a blog that allows you to anonymously post your feelings regarding anything in your stepfamily; be it joyous, angry, sad or “evil.”  We encourage all of our readers and clients to visit their blog and release some tension. If you feel you can’t go directly to that individual, but still need to get it all out, visit The Stepfamily Letter Project to get it off your chest. Trust me, you will feel much better after doing so.
3. Peggy Nolan of the Stepmom’s Toolbox is another one of our fab favs! I love the way that Peggy focuses on holistic stepfamily care. From stepmom self-care to learning how to forgive to fashion, The Stepmom’s Toolbox is great place for helpful information.
4. Last, but certainly not least, are the ladies of Spicy Wifey! We love this blog because it allows us to focus on what’s important - OUR MARRIAGES! Too often, we choose to focus on the drama in our stepfamilies; the ex-wife, the stepchildren, the conflict…instead of focusing on building a strong foundation for our families through marriage. We forget to increase that spice factor in our marriages and ourselves, as wives. Spicy Wifey teaches and reminds us to keep it HOT!

So there you have it, some of our favorite spicy, spunky, sassy, and beautiful blog chicks! We have more, but I’d be typing forever. Erin, thanks again for the award and for being one of the stepchicks who inspires us!

Kela, Diane, and Julia

BFSO talks with Dr. Wednesday Martin, author of “Stepmonster”

BFSO recently had the opportunity to interview Dr. Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Act and Feel the Way They Do. Wednesday’s insight to stepmothering is literally like a great massage because it’s as if she’s massaging the tension right out of your shoulders when she suggests that it’s completely okay to put your marriage first. She says that stepmothers don’t have to bear all the responsibility for “fixing” something that we didn’t break in the first place. Additionally, she suggests that we drop the term current, second and new wife and adopt our rightful title of WIFE. I learned so much from Dr. Wednesday Martin and I’m so excited to share her insight with you! Check out the interview below.

BFSO: I LOVE the fact that you suggest that it’s okay to consider the stepmother and her feelings as experts explore the ups and downs of the stepfamily. Often times they only want to explore how the kids feel, how the husband feels or even how the ex-wife feels. In my opinion, it’s no surprise that stepmothers feel resentful and monsterish at times.  Why did you write this book?

Dr. Martin: I had a hard time adjusting to being in a relationship with a man with children–in spite of seeking out therapy, articles and books. Many of the books in particular disappointed me. They seemed unrealistic and they weren’t about MY reality at all. I found myself desperately seeking a book that looked at women with stepkids as people, rather than reducing us to the role of replacement parent or spouse supporter. I also wanted a book that told it like it IS, rather than lecturing to me about how I SHOULD act and feel and be. So often I would be searching for a book for women with stepkids, find one, and read it, only to discover that it was almost entirely about the stepkids and their feelings. That’s an important thing to understand, of course, but stepmothers need to see their own points of view validated, particularly since most experts agree that stepmothers have the toughest adjustment process of anyone in the stepfamily. Too often, focusing on how it is for the kids has become an exclusive focus, and has precluded our asking how it is for the stepmother. Finally, I didn’t want a bunch of reductive “recipes for success” or cookie-cutter “solutions.” I wanted a deep, comprehensive consideration of stepmothering–across cultures, across the ages, in literature, and so on. Stepmothering was such a rich, fascinating topic, and I wanted to do justice to not just the emotional aspects, but also the historical, literary, economic, legal, and social ones.

 BFSO: Why do you think society thinks it is SO wrong for a stepmother to want her feelings, needs and even wants considered in the stepfamily? Isn’t this encouraging women to put themselves last - as we often do? 

Dr. Martin: I think you’re right that part of the problem here is that we don’t want women to buck the tradition of always putting others first, of being self-abnegating, even. That would be profoundly threatening to the order of things, for lack of a better way of putting it. More specifically, our society is incredibly hypocritical about women with stepkids, for so many reasons that it took me three years of research and over 300 pages to lay it all out! But basically there is this double standard by which we suspect stepmothers of being wicked and selfish, yet expect them to be utterly selfless and loving to kids who are not their own, kids who are often hostile and rejecting for many years in spite of a stepmother’s best efforts and intentions. Owing to what we might call our cultural script, there are currently two ways we think of women with stepkids: they’re either selfish stepmothers or selfless stepmartyrs. Quite a limited menu! Recently it has occurred to me that one of the reasons people are so offended by the mere idea of anyone taking a serious look at stepmother reality, or by stepmothers asserting their basic right to be heard and considered, is that stepfamilies and especially stepmothers are presumed guilty. A lot of people presume that a stepmother is a homewrecker, in spite of the fact that, statistically, most of us are not. Starting from that presumption (”She ruined a marriage and a family”) people feel it’s unseemly for that woman to “complain” after “what she did.” Hence the angry backlash–and the insistence that she put someone else’s kids first.

  BFSO: Do you think history plays a vital role in the stepmonster being the uniquely female hybrid? How so?

Dr. Martin: Yes I do. There’s just no getting around the fact that our suspicion and dislike of women with stepchildren has a long tradition. It goes back to ancient Greece and Rome, at least. In ancient Rome, for example, lawmakers introduced legislation to prevent men who remarried from assuming political office. The thinking was that anyone who would do something so terrible to his children could not be trusted to make good decisions for his country. And don’t forget about the Euripedes character, Phaedra, who wanted to seduce her stepson. Part of the reason we have a hard time shaking our dislike and distrust of stepmothers is it’s so deeply ingrained–in the case of ancient Greece and Rome, for example, it’s woven into the origins of our western cultural tradition! Evolutionary psychologists Margo Wilson and Martin Daly theorize that we have to take motivation into account when we consider animosity toward stepmothers. Who benefits from it? For example, why are so many villains in the Brothers Grimm stories stepmothers when in the original oral tradition, they were murderous mothers? Daly and Wilson think it has to do with the social purposes of the storytellers, who were overwhelmingly likely to be women telling tales to their own children. They would have been aware of the likelihood of dying in childbirth or just plain dying at a relatively early age–it was common in that period, and the widowed husbands virtually always remarried– leaving their little listeners behind. So, the thinking goes, they crafted stories the moral of which was, “If I were to die and your father were to remarry, that would be a terrible thing for you.” This may explain why there are more stories of evil stepmothers than evil stepfathers. But the long and short of it is, we need to go beyond psychology alone to understand the root or roots of our distrust of stepmothers. Only by marshaling a number of other perspectives as well–sociobiology, literary theory, sociology, legal theory, and economics, for example–will we be able to crack that nut.

 BFSO: In your book you discuss the risk factors one might find in having a relationship with a partner that has a child.  In fact, you mention there that experts recommend delaying marriage to a partner whose child is between the ages of ten and sixteen.  Why do you think this plays a role in the the success or failure of a marriage? 

Dr. Martin: There’s a compelling body of research demonstrating that pre-adolescent and adolescent stepchildren not only initiate the majority of conflicts in stepfamilies, but that they also tend to polarize the couple over parenting. Basically they try and often succeed at “splitting the team” because, in a remarriage with children, the kids tend to have tremendous power. There is likely to be a history of permissive parenting post-divorce, making stepmom seem draconian and unreasonable in contrast to mom and dad. Plus the household is likely to be characterized by what experts call a percolator effect–with the mood of the household and the power emanating up from the kids, rather than “dripolating” down from the parents as it does in a healthy first family. These are common dynamics in stepfamilies. So is the fact that, as stepfamily researchers Marilyn Ihinger-Tallman and Kay Pasley have noted, “children in a remarriage with children have tremendous power to break up the marriage.” They can bring unkind sentiments from the other household into dad and stepmom’s home, “spy,” and otherwise create friction between households and between dad and stepmom (Let me be clear that I’m not demonizing the kids here–just pointing out the aspects of stepmother reality that are out there in the research and that we don’t often consider. Kids are actors, not just acted upon, in a remarriage with children). Now factor in a pre or adolescent stepchilld, whose developmental imperative is to individuate and reject the grownups, right at the moment that the woman with stepkids is feeling enormous pressure from her husband and society at large to ‘blend everyone together.” What you have is a recipe for tremendous stress on the couple! But it’s not impossible to overcome–I’m living proof of that. And I don’t think couples should necessary delay marriage until the kids are 16. That just wouldn’t work for a lot of us. We partner and then find–and fight–our way through it!

BFSO: You alluded to the fact of having problems with your husband’s ex-wife as well. Why do you think the ex and current wife seem to automatically start off on the wrong foot?

Dr. Martin: I prefer the term “wife” to “current wife” or “new wife.” It’s more accurate, and less loaded, I think. There’s a wife and an ex-wife (or a partner and an ex-partner). Period.  And in spite of all the recent hoopla in the popular culture–Ashton and Demi and Bruce and Bruce’s wife being chummy and together all the time, for example, and exes in highly cooperative and friendly relationships in the news, doing birthday parties and Christmas together and even doing rotating custody in the same house for the kids’ sake –what we know from the research (Hetherington again) is that less than a quarter of all divorced couples are able to do highly cooperative or even cooperative co-parenting. Most of them do parallel parenting, where they basically ignore each other as much as possible, or are in conflictual or even high-conflict situations with their exes. That’s because they don’t get along. And not getting along is the reason they got divorced in the first place. Regardless of who initiated the divorce (it’s usually the woman), the relationship between exes is not going to imp rove when someone remarries or repartners, that’s for sure! Add to this the fact that ex-wives are more involved and intrusive in their exes’ households than ex-husbands are; the fact that ex-wives experience more anger and resentment after a divorce than their ex-husband’s do and experience it for a longer period of time (Hetherington again); plus the fact that ex-husbands in many cases nurture fantasies of smooth sailing with their ex-wives and often do things to appease them such as helping out with household chores and home repairs, and having holidays there, long after the divorce and in some cases long after the remarriage, and you see not only why the ex and the wife start out on bad footing, but then tend to remain there. I think the recent cultural expectation that wives “should” reach out to ex-wives is unrealistic and unfair. Women married to men with kids don’t need one more responsibility dumped on them, and I invite them to decline the pressure to be chummy with the ex without any guilt if they want to. Civility is often an ambitious enough goal. Put your own adjustment and self-care first, rather than siphoning energy away from that to “fix” something that you didn’t break yourself.

 BFSO: What is the most valuable piece of advice you could give to all stepmothers or about-to-be stepmothers out there? 

Dr. Martin: Put your own happiness, your own mental health and your marriage or partnership first. Without guilt. If you’re miserable, and in the first years, according to James Bray and Patricia Papernow, you very likely will be, your marriage and the whole stepfamily system fall apart. Also, do yourself a favor and let go of the myth of the “blended” family. Stepfamilies very rarely “blend”–even the successful ones have lower levels of cohesion and closeness, but that comes along with higher levels of flexibility, tolerance, and respectful behaviors. Buying into the belief that you have to look, feel, and act just like a first family in order to be a successful family is hooey. It’s also a sure-fire way to stress out the couple. Finally, let go of the myth of the maternal stepmom. You don’t have to love them just like they’re your own and the overwhelming likelihood is that you will not. Just like our stepkids have a deep preference for their own kin (per studies by dozens of human behavioral ecologists that I discuss in my book), we love our own kids best. You don’t have to have maternal feelings for your stepkids for it to be a nice relationship. You’re not a bad woman, a bad person, or even a bad stepmother if you don’t love or even like your stepkids. You can even be very detached and still have a happy marriage/partnership and a relationship with his kids that works. “Good enough” is good enough!

BFSO: The stepmother is literally the most devalued member of the stepfamily. We encourage bio moms to take some “me” time, get away from the kids, consider your needs first sometimes…Yet when a stepmom is asking for the exact same thing, she’s a monster. What can we do to change the perception of stepmotherhood?

Dr. Martin: Lots of people call for more positive media images of stepmothers. But I don’t think that’s going to happen soon, because stepmothers are deliciously compelling and terrifying villains! What we really need, in my view, is lots more research, first of all. Studies of stepfather families outnumber studies of stepmother families by two to one! The less we find out about stepmothers, the less we know about them and the more we fill in the gaps with judgments and absurd expectations about how women with stepchildren “should” feel and act and be and what they “ought to” be able to accomplish. In my view, no one in this country should be able to practice family therapy without undertaking training and certification by a body such as the National Stepfamily Resource Center (that’s just one example). Getting bad advice from therapists who are unfamiliar with very real differences between first and subsequent families, and between first marriages and remarriages with children, is a very common problem, if my research and that of stepfamily experts including Coleman and Ganong, Elizabeth Church, and Linda Nielsen are any indication. With better research and more educated therapists, we can craft messages to educate the public and we can also offer true support–versus a lot of bias and “shoulds”–to women who marry men with children.

About Wednesday Martin

Wednesday Martin has worked as a writer and social researcher in New York City for almost two decades. She was a regular contributor to New York Post’s parenting and lifestyle pages for several years, and her work has appeared in a number of national magazines including Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and Fitness. Wednesday was also features editor at Woman’s World. She earned her doctrate in comparative literature from yale and taught cultural studies and literature at Yale, The New School and Baruch College. Martin, a stepmother for nine years, lives in New York City with her husband and their two sons. To learn more about Dr. Wednesday Martin and her new book, Stepmonster, please visit www.wednesdaymartin.com.

Blended Family Soap Opera statement to our readers

The Founder (Kela Price) and writers (Diane Greene and Julia Rutland) of Blended Family Soap Opera, are very strong, moral, ethical, women. We love our families, our husbands, and our friends with all of our hearts. We also love the world we live in and the one we are trying to make for our children.

We believe that the moral fiber of our society is still good and there is still good in the world. That which is not we are on a mission to change. Each of us has a unique story to tell and that is what makes Blended Family Soap Opera so successful. Our backgrounds, our current family situations, as well as our own individual businesses make us who we are as people.

Everyone has an opinion and we respect that. We each have our own opinions, experiences and feelings as well. We just happen to have a very public platform in which to express them.  We wanted to create a safe haven for people to share their inner most feelings regarding both the joys AND frustrations of their respective blended family life, including ours. Not everyone is going to agree with us, nor us with them. That is the beauty of the world. No one is the same or has walked in anyone else’s proverbial shoes in an exact same way. All we want to do is help the blended family to try and work better in our society and make the whole matter of divorce and remarriage easier on the ones who matter the most - our children. No one is out to be malicious or hurtful, but everyone is entitled to feel the way they feel! We are mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, step-mothers who love our families and want to help others - period. A part of helping people is allowing them to express the joy, sadness, anger, resentment and any other emotion that they may be feeling about their blended family - without judgement!

As stated in a prior post, we do not have all the answers. We are learning everyday as everyone else in the world is. Yes, we are all certified coaches/counselors to help the blended family. Yes, we have taken classes and learned from a world renowned professor - it still doesn’t make us experts - it does make us educated and informed to better serve blended families. In the end, all we are is human. I hope our readers can respect that and want to hear more from our experiences and our clients.

We thank you for your continued loyalty and your quest to make your family the best it can be!

Sincerely,

Kela Price, Diane Greene, and Julia Rutand

This post was written by BFSO writer/coach, Julia Rutland and reflects the thoughts of the entire BFSO staff. We respect the thoughts, opinions and feelings of each and every one of our readers and we want BFSO to be a safe place for free respectful expression without judgement.

BFSO is in Embrace Magazine

Check out the BFSO interview on pages 15 and 16 of Embrace Magazine at www.embracenews.com.

BFSO T-Shirts

Hello Readers!

Because BFSO is so committed to educating and empowering blended families, we created a t-shirt line to help other blended families spread the word. They’re fun, inspirational and cute, too! Visit www.blendedfamilysoapopera.spreadshirt.com to purchase a t-shirt and join the movement! Below is just one example of our many styles and cute sayings, and we’ll be adding many more. As always, thanks for your support. Now join the movement to help blended families heal by purchasing one of our cute and inspirational tees.